I used to find myself to be at the very least a decent Muslim. I would pray 5 times a day, read the Qur'an every night in both Arabic and English, go to Friday prayers, attend Islamic youth studies, avoid major sins like Zina, eating Haram/non-zabiha meat, etc. The only major sins I knowingly committed were my addiction to masturbation and pornography, which I used as an excuse to contain myself from fornication.
I always prayed to Allah swt that I wanted to become a better Muslim and strengthen my imam, and I've taken steps into taking that path, especially recently. But I feel like my connection is getting weaker, and I'm scared because I don't wish to displease Allah swt. My passion in Islam has massively deteriorated in the past week and I've been suffering quite badly with a lot of inner turmoil, confusion and doubt.
I recently given up masturbation and pornography, something I wanted to do but subconsciously wanted to hold onto. It was my vice so getting off of them was hard and I'm not sure how I long I can maintain. I've only been at it for a week (I did nofap during one Ramadan for 11 days, but I felt that it actually pushed me to borderline commit zina). That has led me to extreme boredom and even mild depression.
What truly made matters worse was my discovery that drawing, something that I very much enjoy and am passionate about, is not only haram but a grave major sin. Listening to music, another thing I enjoy (although I prefer video game OSTs over mainstream music) is also Haram. At first, I thought these were just opinions from those super orthodx Muslim imams, but my own extensive research made me come to the conclusion that they're indeed right. I very much wanted to believe my own whims, but I was just denying the truth. I know Allah swt will always forgive me, but it absolutely destroyed my heart how many of the things that I love that I wasn't even aware were bad things are big sins.
I've been really depressed recently. I can't go back to those things anymore. I can't find a qt 3.14 wife who's pious but has a sexual appetite to fully satisfy my needs. I wanted to get closer to Allah swt, but I feel like it had the opposite effect.
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