/hikki/ - Hikikomori

>>7663

Never had many dreams that couldn't be considered nightmares. I only dream about really confusing nonsense and wake up more tired than when I went to bed. Or really fucked up shit. Fortunately, it only happens occasionally these days. As a kid, I had a lot of nightmares, but I eventually stopped dreaming for the most part. It doesn't happen much anymore, but I would have a lot of really uncomfortable dreams about school. Classic school nightmares that I think most people had.

As a kid, I also had a lot of nightmares about people trying to kill me, occasionally monsters, or a bunch of people getting in my room, and I would hide under my bed. Burglars as well. Some nightmares about killing my mom, but I didn't mind those that much because fuck her. A lot of natural disaster nightmares, like meteors, earthquakes, tornadoes, losing my Game Boy Color, tsunamis and the sun exploding. Sometimes I would spend the entire nightmare running super fast and jumping over houses, completely superhuman shit, but the disasters would just follow me until I died and woke up. It was exhausting.

Oh, and dreams about losing parts of my body. A whole lot of those. Had a lot of nightmares about all of my teeth falling out, or losing my fingers, that kind of thing. Very few good dreams, and even those were bad because I would wake up and come back to my shitty life. In a way, it's considerably worse than dreaming about being tortured or killed again. It's like my brain actually fucking hates me and is trying to fuck with me. My brain is a piece of shit, I wish I could get rid of it. "You know about love and happiness and all those other things you will never have? Well, here they are. Woops, not real, fuck you." I want this asshole out of my head.

>>7667

>dreams about losing parts of my body

I keep having these dreams as well, but not as often as my others. Its almost always me losing an important tooth or all my teeth though, but I think I only dream about it because I don't bother with brushing my teeth daily

Self: The Wise Old Man

Persona: The Joker

ISTP-A

Chaotic Neutral Human Druid (2nd Level)

Strength- 11

Dexterity- 13

Constitution- 12

Intelligence- 12

Wisdom- 10

Charisma- 10

Chaotic Evil Elf Rogue (3rd Level)

Strength- 14

Dexterity- 14

Constitution- 7

Intelligence- 15

Wisdom- 19

Charisma- 13

The 'Chaotic Evil' isn't a surprise. I took a psychopathy test once and scored 5/5 Primary and 2.4/5 Secondary.

>>7551

Knowing what you don't want is just as important. You are what you like and what you dislike, so doing more things tends to improve your understanding of yourself. Your identity is defined by your reaction to everything else that exists. Discovering yourself and having a solid identity makes suicide that much more difficult, because you just have more to care about, and it's just harder to let the things that you hate win so easily and so early. Of course, it's unlikely that this will reverse anyone's situation. If you are someone that doesn't get along with society, that's unlikely to change. It's just part of who you are, even if you don't know why yet. If society happens to be your eternal enemy, I guess all you can do is find ways to deal with that (well, I will worry about that when I'm absolutely fucked, because I still have a hard time caring about myself enough to do anything against a threat that isn't immediate, and besides, worrying about the future was killing me, so I decided to stop doing it, and this is the downside of that decision). It's not something easy to deal with, but denying the truth is definitely worse. Also, whenever I think that I understand myself, I'm always wrong. Something else just makes me realize that I'm not even close. Happens all the time. Maybe this never ends. That would make sense. But I guess I'm also just a confusing mess. Well, it gives me something to do. Can't complain about it too much.

>>7634

Boogiepop Returns: VS Imaginator Part 1. Read all of the translated books a while ago (well, at least what I found on libgen), and now I have another reason to learn Japanese. Highly recommended, but skip the recent anime adaptation, because that was a disappointment. Phantom is good, though, but read the books first. I actually wrote quite a lot about them, because it's what I do when I read pretty much anything. Really helped me see all the connections. Now I just have to stop procrastinating, finish everything I'm watching, and get back to learning Japanese. There is a lot of stuff that I don't remember, but Japanese the Manga Way should help with that. Kind of a pain, but I have to stop reading translations. Avoiding subtitles is probably a good idea as well, and it gives me an excuse to rewatch a lot of things. I have way too many other things to learn, so hopefully it won't take long to become part of my routine.

>get up before sunrise or at noon

>eat a small hand of walnuts to get me started

>prepare a big cup of strong black assam tea

>turn on pc and put on music/movie in background

>bathroom stuff

>prepare the "no knead bread" i set up before sleep

>clean up stuff, maybe wash dishes, check the online newspapers for happenings and drink my tea

>bake the bread i prepared

>plan about what i want to eat with the bread, maybe make hummus or a soup

>waste some time on the computer until bread cooled down and food is done

>breakfast while watching something

>check my room sit down and think about what i can do today

>spend rest of the day alternating between browsing online, eating, cooking and mindless entertainment until i get tired

>prepare "no knead bread" for next day

>bathroom stuff and sleep

I don't even have a fucking routine anymore and it has been this way for a year now now all i do is this.

>Go to bed whenever

>Wake up whenever

>Browse the web

>After midnight leave room to eat and use the bathroom

>Comeback to my room

>Continue to browse the web

>Go to bed

>Sleep for a very long time

>Wake up and stare at the ceiling

>>7340

Your not missing anything. That's just life. There is nothing behind the corner everyone keeps feeling for the edge of; a blind person navigating a hall way. Welcome. There is nothing more than that which is.

Basically: same. You've come to the right place. –This is all we are and all we'll ever be.

Summer. I fear that my dog might not make it through this coming one, the last one was almost too much for him. He's so old already and my companion for 10 years now.

>>7097

Dammit whya re we alowwed to have pets, only to suffer when the only true friends we ever had die?

>>7079

>6 months of constant daylight. How absolutely horrifying.

It's that time of the year again, it hardly gets dark anymore.

Summer is by far the worst time of the year, as said the sun is up most of the day, it's hot as shit and there's no air to breathe. The heat not only makes me lazy and incapable to do anything, it also makes me feel ill. Sleeping is even harder when the sun is boiling your room from late night till noon. Insects are everywhere and there's nothing quite as revolting and disgusting. People everywhere, that get hyperactive and obnoxious as soon as the snow melts, especially the already hyperactive africans that I have as neighbours, plus the fact that their kids are home from school which makes something already insufferable ten times worse. And that fucking annual summer festival and other events where they blast noise all day till late after midnight that makes the whole city shake.

Rain is a blessing if you have to go out for groceries, 80-90% of people disappear from the streets, including every single immigrant, however it feels like it almost never rains. Last summer was horrible, sweltering tropic heat every single day and no rain for weeks and months.

>Are you content with being alone?

For the longest time, I used to be. I've been this way for almost 12 years now and, for about 7 of those years, I was largely at peace with my isolated existence and, in fact, never once got lonely. I essentially had no concept of the sensation whatsoever. Funny how, at least back then, I pretty much thought of myself as being immune to any kind of loneliness. "I could spend the rest of my life living on Mars, never speaking to or interacting with another person ever again, and be utterly unphased. Hell, I'd probably enjoy it! I'm beyond such needs or desires and hold loneliness, and those who are plagued by it, in contempt.", being one such common thought. Yeah well, so much for that. Guess I wasn't so special after all. Turns out, I'm just as susceptible to it as anyone else. A fact that I'm still greatly disappointed with myself over, frankly. I truly envy those who can maintain that similar kind of immunity to loneliness I seemed to momentarily possess, except extended through their whole lives. Then again, people like that might very well just be lying to themselves and are still suffering on the inside, whether they want to admit to it or not. Either way, I thought I was one of them once, but I guess I'm not. I'm not really sure what changed. Declining stimulation from video games and the general anhedonia that followed, was probably the turning point, I think. I wish I could just go back to feeling that way and have hoped I'll just wake up better one day, but since my discomfort in this regard has only seemed to deepen in these passing years, I doubt I ever will.

>Do you have any online (friends/)contacts which you occasionally talk to?

Nope. Never. I've also never entered any sort of chat rooms, or anything similar to them, because openly messaging people in real-time like in an exposed environment like that would be far too anxiety inducing. Overall, such places are way too social for me and, not to mention, I have nothing to say, anyway. Being honest, I'm also not really one for message boards or forums either. I only use them because I'm desperate and have a very tangential history with them in general and have no real "good" or "fun" times to speak of while using them. I've always feltPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

honestly my loneliness is crippling me and every time i come to this board im thinking, if we al suffer from this, why arent we working together to solve it? it cant be that everyone on this board is unable to take lead, after all we already have one leadership personality on here, the BO, so surely there must be at least a few more that can organize something that helps us feel less alone. i mean this board surely helps, but its really only used when anyone of us has something of importance to say, so its quiet most of the time. i tried to join a discord from the reddit hikki board but it turned out it was all normal people who had experienced a brief "hikki-like" period in their life and nothing more, i was absolutely unable to relate to these people. cant we like, all play some game together, where the focus isnt on winning the game but just to share some time to not feel alone? we really just need a few active people to make that happen, its not like an image board that needs hundreds of posters to come alive. im thinking of things like minecraft or a private wow server guild but im sure theres many more options

My parents pampered me. My whole childhood I remember happy memories. Playing at the park. Having petty little fights with my friends then making up later. Inviting the neighbors to play smash bros with me. I was a little weird, but everything was okay.

Then middle school happened. Things changed, I learned about my father (she was a single mom with only me for 13 years), my mom got a new bf, had kids out of wedlock. I was starting to be emotionally neglected, I turned suicidal. I got rejected by a girl I liked. I started hurting people around me, I started stalking people, and hacking things for ego boosts. At one point, my mom just told me to kill myself while I was depressed. The warning signs were all there.

I went through high school after recovering. It was just a phase I thought. But I couldn't work up the courage to talk to anyone. I was alone. My parents didn't think of me the same way anymore. I was estranged from my own family, had no friends. Nothing. All I could do was sit in my room and play video games to try to forget. I was a C-student. I wanted to know what was wrong with me, maybe I had autism. Was I a sociopath? Is my mom a narcissist? I had many questions.

I went to community college and I tried hard. It was something that interested me after all, computer science. But one day, all of a sudden I just had no motivation. I failed all of my classes, and I got an academic suspension. I stopped going to school after that.

There's simply no reason for me to go outside anymore. I've given up. I feel like I've lived my life already. I am content, but I am not content because I am content. I feel like there is so much more that I am missing, but I just don't have the motivation to go out there and put the effort in to get it. I feel empty, dead inside. I still think about that day. How things could have been different. I stare at the ceiling as I think about these sorts of things after playing video games and watching anime at 4 AM. I feel like my mom's nicer to me now than she was back then, but something feels off. Like she's just being nice because she pities me. I'm sad, scared, and lonely. I hate them, but I fear the day that they are not there anymore or if I get kicked outPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

Have any of you tried to open up to your parents and talk to them about your problems and how you're feeling?

>>5637

>Do you blame your parents for you becoming a hikikomori?

I used to, but then I realized that regardless of their actions, who I was, and would grow to become, was pretty much set in stone from the beginning. I'm simply a defective human being. Boiled down, that's all there is to it. Be that as it may, I have, and will always, strongly regret the fact that they had to go on like so many others do, mindlessly rutting me into existence, without any care as to what the consequences might be, and the lifetime of internal strife & inevitable death that they ultimately condemned me to. And here I am, nearly 30, utterly miserable, more or less alone & waiting to die. Just another waste of space, unthinkingly tossed out into the howling winds of an indifferent & cruel universe, as a result of my parent's base copulation. They say we have no freewill and, of course, it's true. There was nothing anyone could have done and, even in regards to my birth, I can't blame them. They were as chained to their DNA as I am. I rue that day, that very hour I was conceived with all my might, but it's futile to shake one's fists at something that can't be taken back. The passage of time & my eventual death will remedy their mistake. I just wish all the waiting in the meantime didn't hurt so much. Every single day is a struggle. An endurance test towards nothing & nowhere. Whoa nelly, does my head just hurt thinking about it all.

>are you thankful that they are supportive in providing you with whatever you need in your isolation?

Well, it's the least they could do, frankly. Irregardless, I do appreciate their efforts to accommodate me, even though the living arrangements around here used to be very stress inducing, given that, up until late 2016, I never had a room of my own. It was only from then on that I was finally allotted a space of my own, and some small measure of peace & privacy. Keep in mind that my family is rather poor and our house is quite small, so them giving me an entire section of what little space is available here was a long and hard thing to push for. It really wPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>7392

(cont)

Even if everything turns out fine, it still feels like all that's being accomplished is ensuring I have a glorified tomb (this house) to rot away in, until hideous old age and death takes me, never having found romance, and no friends to speak of either. In that sense, no matter what I do, I've already lost. If only I could be a scholarly Christopher Knight type, but I'm not. Never was and never will be. I'm just a weak, lonely, shit encrusted monkey, by comparison.

>I'm also angry that they never took the time to sit down listen to me and hear me out and ask me how are you feeling?

My parents were one of the few who did. More often than not, lending me ear when I needed it. In my case however, it didn't help. There was nothing they could ever do to assist me besides saying some variation of "There, there, my son.", so to talk about these things amounted to nothing more than someone futilely spinning their tires in some rainy mud covered slosh. Do it enough times and you just get tired & annoyed, with nothing having been accomplished. But I get it, though. I mean, what are, or were, they supposed to do? Get me a job? A shrink? Some meds? How useless & horrifying. Thank christ, they know better. They listened to me piss & moan and I'm not selfish enough to have expected anything more to be done, since there was/is nothing more to be done. Speaking of nowadays though, whenever I talk about how miserable I am with my mother, she can only reciprocate, which makes me feel even worse. "You're miserable?", she says, "I'm miserable! Who's supposed to help me!!!". At this point, I don't even bother opening my mouth about it anymore. I still do sometimes, which I, can assure you, I always regret. My father just spends all his time at his office with his coworkers and sees "home" (aka this house we all live in) as basically just being the place he has to come back to in order to sleep. He & I used to talk a lot about my problems many years ago, but he never had anything worthwhile to say, so I just stopped out of my own lack of energy & my father's feigned concern, mPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>7351

I failed out of uni within the first semester because I got very tired of going through another 4 years of high school and a part of me knew that unsocial, uncharismatic, anxious people like me will go nowhere in life with simple As. In the end you end up being someone's wageslave and eventually went into withdrawal for 7 years. Never seen a therapist since I don't think it is in their best interest to help anyone. My mental state was terrible and spent the first half of my time half sitting down and the second half bedridden.

27 now and I have gone through the same wasted time on video games like you and I've had bad social anxiety. Now I do not get as anxious as I used to and can keep somewhat calm while outside. Even get groceries and do my own laundry alone now.

One thing I realized in my own experience is that I think I dislike making myself uncomfortable and unwilling to change or grow. I think the younger me just wanted to be the same anxious guy that is afraid of change for the rest of his life. If you have not tried quitting videogames, porn, and other distractions that add nothing but waste your time and provide a comfort through escapism. If you want your current situation to change you'll need to do a lot of self reflecting and mediation. You need to access yourself and fix shit that is making you feel a certain way you do not like; it fucking sucks but you can find the answers you seek if you listen to yourself. You're still young enough to save yourself from what will be a miserable life. I know I changed a lot over these last 9 years but I made the most progress during the periods when I was not wasting my time with the distractions this world assaults you with.

One important piece of advice. You need to fully understand how something works and how it affects you.

I did not fully understand how negatively videogames and later pornography were affecting me all these years. I knew they were hindering my quality of life and that expressed itself when I missed a certain quest, the daily reset or fap session was interrupted due to some distraction; whether it was a loved one or another Post too long. Click here to view the full text.

It's weird how I can recall some things quite clearly, but, for the most part, the past, my whole past really, is an impenetrable haze filled with nothing worth the mental storage capacity it would take to keep. I'm actually glad it's just a haze, to be honest. Having a photographic memory of all the empty days I've endured & trudged through would, I guess, be rather unpleasant. I'd imagine I also have a lot in common with those in solitary confinement as far as how fragmented the mind & memory end up becoming. It's a bit of a laugh to think on how in all the years I've been a hikikomori, my brother has lived a pretty varied life and has went to many places around the world and done many different things, whereas I've just been sitting here living out my own personal Groundhog Day on repeat (sleeping, sitting around in my underwear & playing video games). It's just funny that he's probably packed in more life in just these past 10 years, then what I've even experienced up till now, or will ever experience going forward. To a lot of people, he'd be the only one they'd consider to be actually alive & living a life, whereas I'd just be seen as merely existing/surviving, eking by as a reclusive ghost. Then again, he'd probably kill himself if he were forced to exist the same way I do. Doubt he'd even last a year, frankly. Maybe there's a unique sense of strength I posses there. I don't know.

I'm just glad I began keeping a list of the various games I finish, or have in backlog, because, otherwise, I wouldn't even remember 90% of it. Looking back over my list, and thinking back on what I was playing at the time, can help me recall my amorphous past a little more easily in some respects. Not only that, but if I don't have a way to remember what I finish, then I can't help, but wonder what the point was in even playing it in the first place. To put it simply, a list stops the experience from crumbling to dust in my mind. Keeping a record gives a little bit of continuity & purpose to it all, at least to me anyway. By contrast, I don't keep a list of the films I've watched, mostly because I watch so few which, in its own way, makes it easier to remember what I've watched. I'm sure I've forgotten a ton though, which is depressing and makes me wish I had started a film list of some kind.

As a randPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

I'm about to go to the dentist tomorrow. Haven't been to see one in like 5 years. I'm dreading it immensely, to be honest. The silly thing is that there's nothing even wrong with my teeth. I just want them to remove the metal brace that sits behind my bottom teeth, as kind of a hidden retainer of sorts. Anyone else have one of these by the way? Just curious, I guess. Anyway, it's been there for like 15 years and removing it won't cause any issues, since it's purpose was always to serve as a light precautionary measure once one gets their braces off. Other than that, I've never gotten any cavities and pretty much have super teeth despite treating them like absolute shit (I only brush them like once every few weeks and I don't floss), all thanks to certain beneficial enzymes that exist in my mouth that prevent plaque & bacteria buildup. Funny how nature would bless me in such a weird way. Basically the only good thing in my genetics.

Besides that, no I don't leave the house. I only left the house twice last year. First time to an eye center, escorted by both my parents because without them the anxiety would've been too great too handle, while also needing them to push me along when the already present anxiety was enough to paralyze me, to see if I were a candidate for LASIK/PRK since I hate, and am long sick of wearing my glasses, but the lady there denied me since my prescription was too high (I'm a +5).

Second time, more embarrassingly, was an emergency visit to the local clinic because I got a bladder infection from using a dirty sock to jerk off in because I was too lazy to grab another roll of toilet paper/tissue box. I tried to ignore it, but the pain became overwhelming, so I went with my father to get it sorted out while panicking the whole time and having my heart turn into a jackhammer. The doctor there just gave me some antibiotics pills, which sorted it out rather quickly, fortunately. Nobody ever asked any questions, aside from my parents, but I just lied and said I must've missed cleaning down there, to which they both just shrugged and said whatever. I want to put my first through my head for being so lazy & stupid.

The year before that, I also only went out once with my mother to get an office chair for myself (Herman Miller foPost too long. Click here to view the full text.

>>6629

First four years I would not step a foot outside for a couple of seasons. I remember just peeking out the window seeing snow and months later during summer felt odd.

During 5th and 7th year I would go outside more and more often to get groceries with family(never alone) or do laundry(with family never alone) and push myself to go out for walks like normal people do.

Now I try to walk around the neighborhood in the evening more frequently because they installed some LED lights and the area looks really nice especially when it was snowing. I also try to do my laundry once a week instead of every 3-4 months and get groceries more frequently to get over this unease and anxiety when I am outside. I'm thinking of picking up a routine and run around my local park at noon to get some vitamin D instead of taking quick fix western supplement that might do more harm than good. My mother did always tell me how her grandfather took his hourly sunbath when she was young.