I was a victim of child abuse for twelve years. I lived in fear every day. Domestic violence was a common occurrence, and I had to intervene repeatedly to prevent my stepfather from killing my mother. I've also had to intervene in her suicide attempts. My mother, who, when I came out to her about his abuse after I saw a safe opportunity--he had just kidnapped my sister and fled to another state–ultimately chose him over both of us and took him back after two weeks. I was sort of adopted by another family in my teen years, and spent as much time away from home as I could. I got bullied and threatened a lot as a kid, and teen. I've hurt a lot of people for no good reason at all. There's the cliche "confusing love with violence" that I have come to accept as cliche for a reason: the people I hurt were those close to me, and I learned this from my stepfather. I sexually assaulted my girlfriend when I had just turned fourteen. I've attacked a few friends violently without warning.
As soon as I got to college, my stepfather kidnapped my siblings an fled again, my mom got evicted, and again it was apparent that long before they were no longer physically around me, I had been abandoned. As an adult, I've been a drug dealer and been in a lot of sketchy situations, I've also been raped--this led to the realization of my monstrous actions years before. I've told no one about either. I stayed in a haze of drugs and booze for years. I felt like no one knew me, and if they really did, they would hate me, so I pushed them away.
I wanted to die for as long as I remember but I didn't want to kill myself.
I've been in and out of therapy for years, medicated and unmedicated. I finally got some stuff that works (that isn't pot), but it's no longer as effective. I am on the maximum safe dose of my SNRI. I just got done doing the PTSD + borderline cycle, in which I am made anxious by a trigger, retreat, am overwhelmed by anger and sadness, will do almost anything to make it stop, and finally it's over after about ten minutes.
When you grow up around domestic violence, and have been violent yourself, you have a lot of fucking triggers. Hearing a door close in my own house, hearing dishes rattle, Post too long. Click here to view the full text.