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/mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders

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You are the healing.

File: e122216c54143ca⋯.jpg (408.36 KB,1024x680,128:85,Sans titre.jpg)

 No.14852

Fresh OC from this morning, my expectations meeting my family physician later on today.

It took me several times to post here. Not out of shame but rather out of desperation. I am discouraged with life and i want to give up entirely. I either wait until I die or I will kill myself. It's just a matter of what comes first at this point.

It's been almost 3 months now that I have been on a fucking waiting list to see a therapist at my local health clinic. I jumped through the all the hoops necessary and attended the mandatory meeting to be on another fucking waiting list with just meds on the side that I got from my family physician which in itself takes YEARS to wait to obtain one. Otherwise, say I have a panic attack due to my General Anxiety Disorder and I miss work, sometimes I can't even get a paper at the urgency of my local hospital motivating my absence from work.

So for the past 3 months, I have been trying to get my life back on track. Trying to go back to school to learn a new trade because when I was homeless at 19 because I just went into customer service since I was still going to college at that time I never managed to get a diploma that would be giving me another more enjoyable for me and would pay more than near minimum wage all the fucking time. Even going back to school is laborious because I had to run after so many fucking retards to obtain the papers I needed to just enroll for the exams that despite being a school on weekdays during business hours would not return my call until 2 days later to tell me how can I get the necessary documents to go to the next step of enrollment.

And then, there's work. Due to my adherence problems with my anxiety issues, I was demoted to a lesser important position at work to minimize the impacts when I miss. This is already depressing in itself but now, at least 3 times this month alone, they changed my schedule 3 times without barely leaving me time to adjust. Now I went from 1 to 9pm to 10am to 6:30pm to 11PM to 7:30AM in the last 3 weeks. In the last few weeks, my family physician gave me a leave of absence for two so that I can adjust to the medication (Zoloft) and I took every day I had to knock on more doors and more ressources for help. Nonetheless, the bumbling retards from work just make it even more stressful and difficult to keep steady. I feel my life is a losing battle and I want to give up. When some autist at work doesnt even do their job right and I fuck up because of it, guess who the blame was put on : me.

At this point, the crisis lines I was offered isn't enough. I NEED a social worker, a therapist or a shrink. I need ANYTHING to give me a name, date and time I can write on a fucking agenda to say I can FINALLY rely on someone to feel better and maybe see some hope but no. I never cried so much like that in the past few days ever since my mom died 4 years ago. I have nothing.

I have no hope. No hope whatsoever. I have a meeting with my physician again at 2:30pm today. I managed to score a meeting after crying over the phone this morning to the receptionist and she tried to assure me that Meanwhile, my dad also said very harmful things to me last night through text about shoving in my face the fact I couldn't repay him the money I owed him FOR THE MEDICATION I BOUGHT to feel better.

This is where I decided I would start mutilating myself again and hurt others emotionally, family or otherwise. I feel myself drowning and just plunging inside the deep of my own sadness and despair. I see no fucking hope anymore whatsoever and I am literally just waiting to die after wasting so much time and energy in the vain hope that something will come through and would put an end to my torments or at least ease them. I started to become explicit about my dark thoughts and suicidal ideas and I started to hurt myself. I hope that maybe this will finally make someone wake the fuck up and match me with a therapist.

It's either that or I die, either by my own doing or because of my health failing me for the last time.

If I never post an update on this within a reasonable time (a month), it will be safe to assume I given up entirely, closed all my openings in regards of therapy and health and I will have killed myself. It's my current plan.

At least, I won't be failing MYSELF, unlike the others.

____________________________
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 No.14853

File: e758116147a33fb⋯.jpg (37.69 KB,567x523,567:523,e758116147a33fb5e46a954d27….jpg)

You have to keep calling over and over and over and over until they get sick of your shit and move you on up.

Right now I'm fighting my case, I was denied amphetamines because of exploitative college junkies who ruined prescriptions for people like me who actually need the medicine.

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 No.14854

Shit, just read your entire post. Nevermind that last post.

You're already there, is kratom legal where you live? That helps a fucking shit ton with anxiety, who knows, OP, you might have MORE than anxiety.

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 No.14855

File: 6693cc69c7f71f4⋯.jpg (11.22 KB,201x226,201:226,10650044_701995099849662_8….jpg)

OP here,

I have returned and I feel better. I have a change in my prescription, the doc added some sleeping pills because the most hours straight this week so far I slept is about 2.5-3 hours. I can't get the prescription now because my pay is next week but I have enough meanwhile to last for now. We made another demand for a social worker and she encouraged me to call me within a couple of days to make another as to show I am motivated to actually see a social worker. I have another appointment with her next week but that one was already planned when I had my 2 week sick leave earlier. When I went in, I mentioned all my dark thoughts and all this shit. I didn't like talking about wanting to die to my doctor during a panic episode but it was worth it in the long run.

>>14853

I have been. I called several times in the last 3 months to a health line in Canada to talk and be proposed resources. While they did offer stuff, it's not something I want to do because I had bad experiences with shitty people in group sessions and the schedule for some other services doesn't suit mine. I called again the health line this morning to talk about my dark thoughts still and they said they will need to check some ressources on their end to see if they can find someone for me and they would call me back.

They didn't.

>>14854

Never heard of kratom. We just legalized weed today in Canada and this is mostly what I use aside from my own meds. I turned to weed mostly to help with my anxiety and also for the fact that I am an alcoholic and I lose control if I don't keep a certain grip and I often lose it. When I abuse of it, I end up in panic attacks. Honestly, at this point, I prefer weed over booze for the most part in terms of recreational drugs. That and also because my dad is a fucking drunk.

I'm rather surprised I got 2 replies so fast. I never really lurk this board because it's slow as fuck. I might come back more often I guess.

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 No.14856

>>14855

OP again, forgot to mention that I also might have a lead into getting with a social worker if I can get my doc's recommendation for it and I am supposed to meet her again next week. So hopefully, this will finally break and give me something to hope for.

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 No.14857

File: 1fd26027c83593d⋯.jpg (492.23 KB,1078x1362,539:681,Screenshot_20180519-235938….jpg)

>>14855

Kratom is basically natures Zoloft, or adderall, depending on the strain you take.

https://hudsonvalleybotanicals.com/index.php/product/wild-green/

Wild Green is the most effective. I recommend a pea size dose, and build up, though my first time was with a spoonfull.

http://archive.is/nmUmg

Kratom basically stabilizes/decompresses you, and helps you curb nasty addictions.

Read what this guy has to say about it kratom, but do NOT buy happy hippo garbage; It's overpriced trash.

Botanical bunny or garuda kratom is best, and most afforgenocidele to boot.

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 No.14858

Fuck, I forgot I filtered d a b to genocide.

genocide test

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 No.14859

File: 328e619f5cfa474⋯.mp4 (425.25 KB,360x360,1:1,[screams_into_cup].mp4)

>>14857

OP still

I can't recall which between indica or sativa that puts my mind at ease but i want that one.

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 No.15220

>>14859

Indica is a downer, sativa is an upper.

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