Fresh OC from this morning, my expectations meeting my family physician later on today.
It took me several times to post here. Not out of shame but rather out of desperation. I am discouraged with life and i want to give up entirely. I either wait until I die or I will kill myself. It's just a matter of what comes first at this point.
It's been almost 3 months now that I have been on a fucking waiting list to see a therapist at my local health clinic. I jumped through the all the hoops necessary and attended the mandatory meeting to be on another fucking waiting list with just meds on the side that I got from my family physician which in itself takes YEARS to wait to obtain one. Otherwise, say I have a panic attack due to my General Anxiety Disorder and I miss work, sometimes I can't even get a paper at the urgency of my local hospital motivating my absence from work.
So for the past 3 months, I have been trying to get my life back on track. Trying to go back to school to learn a new trade because when I was homeless at 19 because I just went into customer service since I was still going to college at that time I never managed to get a diploma that would be giving me another more enjoyable for me and would pay more than near minimum wage all the fucking time. Even going back to school is laborious because I had to run after so many fucking retards to obtain the papers I needed to just enroll for the exams that despite being a school on weekdays during business hours would not return my call until 2 days later to tell me how can I get the necessary documents to go to the next step of enrollment.
And then, there's work. Due to my adherence problems with my anxiety issues, I was demoted to a lesser important position at work to minimize the impacts when I miss. This is already depressing in itself but now, at least 3 times this month alone, they changed my schedule 3 times without barely leaving me time to adjust. Now I went from 1 to 9pm to 10am to 6:30pm to 11PM to 7:30AM in the last 3 weeks. In the last few weeks, my family physician gave me a leave of absence for two so that I can adjust to the medication (Zoloft) and I took every day I had to knock on more doors and more ressources for help. Nonetheless, the bumbling retards from work just make it even more stressful and difficult to keep steady. I feel my life is a losing battle and I want to give up. When some autist at work doesnt even do their job right and I fuck up because of it, guess who the blame was put on : me.
At this point, the crisis lines I was offered isn't enough. I NEED a social worker, a therapist or a shrink. I need ANYTHING to give me a name, date and time I can write on a fucking agenda to say I can FINALLY rely on someone to feel better and maybe see some hope but no. I never cried so much like that in the past few days ever since my mom died 4 years ago. I have nothing.
I have no hope. No hope whatsoever. I have a meeting with my physician again at 2:30pm today. I managed to score a meeting after crying over the phone this morning to the receptionist and she tried to assure me that Meanwhile, my dad also said very harmful things to me last night through text about shoving in my face the fact I couldn't repay him the money I owed him FOR THE MEDICATION I BOUGHT to feel better.
This is where I decided I would start mutilating myself again and hurt others emotionally, family or otherwise. I feel myself drowning and just plunging inside the deep of my own sadness and despair. I see no fucking hope anymore whatsoever and I am literally just waiting to die after wasting so much time and energy in the vain hope that something will come through and would put an end to my torments or at least ease them. I started to become explicit about my dark thoughts and suicidal ideas and I started to hurt myself. I hope that maybe this will finally make someone wake the fuck up and match me with a therapist.
It's either that or I die, either by my own doing or because of my health failing me for the last time.
If I never post an update on this within a reasonable time (a month), it will be safe to assume I given up entirely, closed all my openings in regards of therapy and health and I will have killed myself. It's my current plan.
At least, I won't be failing MYSELF, unlike the others.