/mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders

im kinda sad because when at academy we had group work i did not want to colaborate with ppl and it made our relations bad. too much mizanthropy ehh

Pretty shitty. I realized I'm going to drop out of college a second time. I used to manage to keep going, even going so far to get my first relationship and travel to another continent all by my own along the way. Now it was all in vain.

I'm in my mid twenties without a finished education. All my friends already have their degrees and here I am sitting in my parents' attic. I don't even have a driver's license. Now I have a life full of hospitalizations and downward social movement ahead of me. I tried to keep going but it still wasn't enough. Oh well, at least I know what kind of pottery animal I'm going to do in ergotherapy…

>>13554

I actually felt pretty good today, despite how shitty my life is turning out to be.

>shitty anxiety preventing me from being outgoing

>flunking online college

>never had gf

>will probably live with parents for whole life

>>13563

Alright, I just told my parents. It's all over now. I feel a weird sense of short relief but right now I haven't really a notion of the severity of this decision.

Well, it's not really a decision, is it? It's not like I chose to be this way. Am I blaming others for my failures? And even if others are at fault, isn't it up to me to make a change? Well, I'm just too weak for all of this.

I just can't stand it any longer…I'm trapped in this horrible cycle and I don't know a way out.

My roommate smells like shit, hes in the kitchen and I can smell him 30 feet away.

I wish I could afford to live alone. It is my only real motivation to work harder.

>>13575

tell him to have a shower

>>13554

i'm panicking hard about exams but instead of studying i've been pacing around my room like a retard and listening to music

>>13567

i want to give you a hug

i set up new vivarium for my leopard gecko yesterday

My roommates decided to have me kicked out. They don't like that I go to bed at 10pm because I have work in the morning.

I have until Feb 1 to find a new place to live. Merry Christmas to me, I guess.

Dunno if I should move or just kill myself. Tired of constantly being on the run and picking up the pieces.

>>13575

Dude. Get a new roommate. There's no harm done there, since you were going to move out anyways.

my leopard gecko is sleeping almost all the time :(

>>13648

They kicked you out because they don't like when you go to bed?

It wouldn't be hard to find new roommates who aren't that retarded.

my friend is visiting me in few hours time ;o

>>13681

They think it is unreasonable that they have to maybe turn their tv down after 10pm. It is quite unacceptable, really.

God forbid I need to wake up at 5:30am for work. I'm working on a deal with the owner of the house right now, I might possibly get them thrown out instead, turns out I'm the only one that pays my rent on time consistently.

>>13689

lel. Hopefully that works out for you.

It's a warm winter day in south Texas.

>>13735

Congrats, hopefully things look up for you.

i want to mobilize to go to a friend to buy sth from him but it is hard to do so :/

I don't necessarily want the thread to devolve into politics, but I am both super excited and terrified about the inauguration tomorrow.

Im very happy about Trump being president, but Im scared some kind of shit is going to go down. I'd like all the civil unrest and fear to die down already.

>>13750

>trump

>not john mcafee

shitty like every day

none of you even reply to my threads regardless

im a bit sad because im fat and i will never find girl because besides being mentally fucked up im physically not ok

>>13554

My girlfriend and I have been doing badly lately.

It's gotten so bad that a few days ago she said that she loves me, but isn't sure she wants to be in a relationship anymore. I convinced her that we ought to try and stay together because we love each other and you know, what's the point in killing something like that, so we are basically on a break, we're not allowed to be around each other, talk to each other (including text) at all, until our next monthly anniversary, exactly 30 days from now, the 24th.

i do not know where to do master studies and what to study

>>13769

I have been in a similar situation, it is awful, I legit feel for you. I don't know her, but you do. Do you think she is the kind of person that might take that opportunity to do something quite unnecessary?

>>13772

I think so, although she's not a cheating type if that's what you're asking.

today I decided to try and talk to her because it's the 24th of this month, and she was upset about it, and we argued over the phone for a while and I told her I'll give her all the fucking space she could possibly want and we said our goodbyes. I feel like an asshole, which is funny, because when I tried to talk to her, I started out by saying sorry for all the times I seemed inconsiderate, rude, or just like an asshole (which I am to be completely honest, I can be a massive asshole). But, I'm the sweetest asshole you'll have the pleasure of tossing a salad in, so I guess that's why she's tolerated me this long.

>>13773

Today I decided to super glue the promise ring that I gave to her a long while back. Maybe that'll send a message.

>>13774

excuse me, rather, I glued the one that I had for myself, I gave one to her, and kept the other.

>>13563

Why did you drop out? Too hard? Choose an easier major maybe?

how do i have a sense of humor

people allegedly idealize that "you must love yourself before you have other emotions" but i'm kinda okay with myself personally, but i'm too retarded to know how to bounce off joke that aren't retarded wordplays and puns, and i can't really make fun of myself as i still dislike most people i meet irl

>>13824

>i can't really make fun of myself as i still dislike most people i meet irl

i don't understand, how are those things related?

I keep gaining and losing weight. I'm doing ketosis for the second time, and losing weight a fourth time. Christ

>>13735

How's progress?

I hate my life but all alternate lives I could live are probably even worse. Also fuck my boss and literally everyone harshly criticizing me for small mistakes.

i need to go to another city to study but i cannot find a cheap 1-person flat in proper place

Feel like fucking garbage. ADHD acting up, can't sleep for shit.

>>14653

maybe it is hypomania/mania?

>>14658

I'll level with you. I'm just resisting sleep due to rumination, I doubt it's mania.

I don't feel like I'm good enough. I need to get therapy for this trauma, it bundled with ADHD does not make a good executive function.

I need to start trying again.

Alright. Kratom helps, thank fucking lord.

>>13554

No so good anon.

I’m 33. Was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a year ago. Been on mood stabilizers and antidepressants ever since. Felt like I lost my spark and charm and energy. Gained about 50lbs. Haven’t had the willpower to go exercise and work it off. I sleep all day and stay up most of the night. I fap like 9 times a day, I’m single and hate every moment of it. I don’t know why I left a great, beautiful woman who loved me 7 years ago. Must have gotten cocky and figured I could find a younger virgin and do better. I did not. Started a course of antipsychotics last week putting me up to over 1100mg of psychotropic meds every day. Now I’ve got this bizarre chemical anxiety, shortness of breath and feeling of dread, but hey I can finally wake up in the morning after 10 years. I wouldn’t kill myself because I don’t want my parents and siblings to suffer but fuck me if I think about it a lot.

My psych is a disorganized parasite who shoulda retired a decade ago. He doesn’t ever remember what meds I’m on, asks me every time. Had to bring my dad with me at my last appointment to try to explain to the dense son of a bitch that I was having some kind of sleep disorder.

I’m on my phone about 12 hours a day like a junkie. Trying to find love, trying to find a female companion to balance my life emotionally. What would someone in my condition even offer her? I’m broke. I’m a NEET. I’m fat. My chances are excellent.

I’m trying to join a support group for bipolar people. Might be a nightmare. I think I’ll try to volunteer with dogs. I love labs, mine died of cancer after we spent 13 years as best friends. Maybe I won’t feel so bad if I have a dog to pat and hug and look after… even if it’s just some of the time.

I’ll try to apply for jobs today. I’ve lost maybe 8 jobs in the past because I slept in and skipped work. That might happen again. Maybe the meds I’m on now will prevent that from happening.

Let’s see what happens.

>>14664

I'm Sorry, man, but you gotta take resposability for your life. It's not too late. I know how hard this is, but it's possible and, if you feel like you can't, you can ask Jesus for help… He loves you.

Eh…kinda shit, to be honest. A little background: I'm 25 and have high-functioning autism. This was not discovered until very very recently, not even a year ago. For as long as I can remember, even/especially during my childhood, I've felt like a square peg in a round hole, with my mentors and peers holding a fifty-pound sledgehammer trying to drive me in. As you can probably imagine, shit's been bleak. I've dropped out of two different colleges, separated from the military, foreclosed on a house, and been through a failed marriage more my fault for marrying her in the first place; she was fucked up and I tried to help, but she didn't want to help herself, all because I can't think of any way to move forward in life other than just shoot a spitball at something and hope it sticks.

Fast forward to present day. A few months ago I got picked up as an apprentice heavy equipment mechanic, thinking I'd finally found something my "unique" thinking patterns would let me excel at I'm really good at stuff like looking at a system and figuring out how each part functions in the whole, especially electronic and mechanical shit, and finally have a chance at unfucking this trainwreck of a life I've lived…at least, that was my thought at the time. I got through the introductory training by the skin of my fucking teeth, getting tripped up on all kinds of stupid shit like forgetting to shut the hood on a piece of equipment after checking fluids or missing a bunch of grease points, even getting a thorough ass-reaming after volunteering for an electrical project and fucking it sideways this one hurt especially, as it was one of the few marketable skills I thought I had and I fucked up building a simple cable. Nevertheless, I busted my ass and persevered, eventually getting through and earning the respect of my instructors. That hurdle cleared, I was ready to go to work and start making fat stacks.

Or so I thought. I finished that whole program over a month ago, and ever since, I've been holding down a spot on the out-of-work list. Not for lack of trying; I've been all over the state talking to companies only to get shot down for one reason or another, ranging from "we're winding down for the winter and can't bring anyone on," "you have two points on your driving record from two years ago," to "we asked when you'd like to come talk to us and you said day after tomorrow rather than drop everything and come in first thing tomorrow morning." And of course my union's been haranguing me about it like it's somehow my fault. The whole time this has been going on, as well as the prior year and a half, I've been living with my parents in the middle of Bum Fuck Egypt working at the same pizza joint I worked at in high school, which has just been fan-fucking-tastic for my mental well-being.

I can't shake the thought that this has just been the latest in a long line of spitball fuckups owing to me being unable to just be fucking normal. I'd give my left testicle to find gainful employment where my condition was an asset rather than a liability, but that's been a non-starter for whatever reason. Maybe there's been something blindingly obvious staring at me in the face this whole time. I don't fucking know. I've never been suicidal, save the one brief moment which eventually led to my military discharge, but I have entertained thoughts of just going inNo. oods and waiting for this house of cards to fall over. Maybe I just need a break.

>>14710

Ever do therapy?

>>14712

I have, but none of it was any help. Every single "professional" I'd seen had me pegged for depression (which I didn't have), and as soon as they saw I was optimistic and moving in a direction, they'd hand me a clean bill of health and tell me to I agree. None of them had any idea what was really going on until I went to an autism clinic earlier this year. Even after I found that out and felt like I was starting to get to the bottom of things, the clinic just turned right around and handed me a prescription for Prozac, which I promptly shredded when I got to my car. Feels bad when the one place that did something positive landed me right back at square one.

>>14715

*hand me a clean bill of health and tell me to go away

<forgot about wordfilters

>>14715

I know this sounds like I'm being snarky, but have you ever just TOLD them you have autism? I know it's hard to communicate, but you have to let them get the message.

>>14717

I didn't know I did until very recently. Being the dumbfuck I am I just went with what they had to say.

My voices keep repeating everything I hear but all wacky and high or this George Rockwell style voice, I like the George voice unless he's screaming , then he triggers my autism It ruins music I like , unless I'm drunk and I keep being told be a trans it's weird

Day 50. child rapist roommates won't leave the damn apartment. There's only an hour window to leave or walk to my room each day to ensure I don't run into them. I'm losing my shit even more staying in this room the entire day.

>>14934

I have consistent suicidal thinking, but it's my depression that is degrading my life. I'm nowhere near bad situation as you, but I'm so fucking fed up; I'm third year at university, never had social life and always was a fat slob. My family are great though, but I still considering going full selfish and kill myself.

If you wand methods advises, etc go

here >>>http://oxwugzccvk3dk6tj.onion/the rope/catalog.html

>>14934

Correction

>>>http://oxwugzccvk3dk6tj.onion/the rope/catalog.html

Why does it not improve? It seems like I'm stuck in a constant loop of self-improvement only drugs somewhat help me calm my mind.

>>14775

Update: I was sold broken access point, I'm pissed but will stay calm and simply return them.

i worry about going to student's society meeting

Shitty af. Just found out that my history of depression and suicidal impulses and substance abuse will have to be disclosed to the department of corrections where I hopped to follow the family trade and become a prison officer…

>>15234

What exactly did you do?

Not good. Roommate is in the hospital

i got to know via internets 17yo girl :o

>>15309

Is he back?

>>15431

why are they parasites in your opinion?

>>15459

They're responsible for the downfall of western civilization.

>>15482

are you sure younger generations are more liberty-loving?

>>15429

>mentioning your mbti type

autism

trying to get through each day is pretty much hell. I want nothing more then to go back to the church that programmed me. That used me drugged me and hurt me. Im fighting the programming. They tried so hard to put me up on strings. but i kept on cutting them but moving pretend as they told me until i just said fuck it.

I loved my future adoptive master/mistress they spent months ingratiated themselves to me. my actual parents are halfway oblivious and the times I really got out of line or they accused someone higher up on the food chain. they suddenly got into heavy legal trouble.

The reality was..I asked for help to get past walking up and accepting my fate and getting baptized. I tested a few drugs with them to even experiment to put me in a giddier happier mood to get up those steps because the weight of it was pretty heavy. before i stabbed them..not in the back i cut them openly right in the chest in front of everyone i exposed them a single look did it.

So far I've spent most of the day lying around, feeling miserable and contemplating the rope

Does anyone have any experience with the national the rope prevention lifeline chat? Is it a video chat or a text chat?

my clothes reek /^:,' no suprise no one wants to talk to me and be around me ehh

I started self-harming today. I knew it would provide some relief, but it surpassed my expectations, the sharp pain on my skin almost completely distracted me from the pain in my soul. I didn't cut because the scars would be noticed, so I scratched the shit out of myself instead, but after I checked and there were super obvious marks. How long will it take for these to dissipate? Would a doctor be able to tell?

shrink did not want to prescribe me mph because it was NHS appointment, he encouraged me to pay him money to get to group psychotherapy, fuck you

I think I might have schizophrenia.

>at work at grocery store

>all of a sudden have intrusive thought

>really, really bad, like absolutely disgusting

>suddenly can't stop thinking it

>phrase keeps popping into head

I also have a terrible fear of saying things outloud. I think about politically incorrect things at work, so I'm scared I'll say them outloud. I'm still not sure if I actually do that or not. My coworkers and managers have never brought it up.

I'm extremely scared that I said the intrusive thought outloud, even though noone's brought it up. I'm contemplating quitting. Also, I heard my direct manager to the store manager. She seemed mad, but she might've been talking about my coworkers. I'm scared I'm not working hard enough.

Apparently this is called "thought broadcasting". I've had it for several months.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thought_broadcasting

I thought I was just autistic. It turns out I'm a schizo.

i was at furneal today

Ok here goes

I just feel so fucking lonely all the time. All my life I've never really had people I could talk about my feelings to. Everyone either makes fun of my depression and calls me a pussy or just tells me to "think positive" I've been in and out of mental hospitals for the rope attempts since I was like 11. My mom made fun of my mental illness and depression all the time. Even making fun of me for wanting to kill myself. I just don't have anyone.

>>15826

You're a pussy

im about to get postgraduate degree soon

i hope to be institutionalized in a mental hospital within the week

I hope I don't come off as a faggot, but I'm just going to use this thread to vent real fast.

I've been moving closer and closer to the deep end by the day, and I've been thinking about killing myself every day for what feels like months now. This isn't the first time, I was a depressed sack of shit from ages 10-17 years old, I had a year or so where I managed to get myself under control, but here lately at age 19, with all the shit going on simultaneously in my head, I just don't know here to put myself or what to do. At least this time I can identify some of my problems rather than just being sad by default.

I guess I should start from the beginning

>born

>dad leaves 3 years later

>live with grandparents while mom works because lol no monz

> /nofriends/ for basically ever, always the odd one out

>definitely predestined to be the strange kid

>turn 9

>mom meets guy who would be step dad for 8 years and some

>parents become alcoholic stoners, end up sharing a bed with my little sister in the room furthest away from my parents because he scared the shit out of me on the daily

>parents continue being alcoholics forever, stepdad eventually leaves, but mom is still a heavy drinker

>somehow manage to be obese and poor at the same time, every other kid I know points it out and tells me to kill myself

>first suicidal thoughts around age 10-11, just walking around the playground, alone as I normally do, and the thought occurred to me that I could just run out in front of one of the passing cars if I wanted

>middle school starts, am the emo kid who doesn't know how to interact

>around this time I develop trichotillomania, supposed to have a widow's peak, but I continue to pull my hair out to this day, so it's fucked

>meet a dude I'll call Micah, I just sat next to him one day and we became friends there on

>this faggot saves my fucking life as far as I'm concerned, I owe him everything I am

>gives me a way to vent while I'm dealing with drunks back home

>Mom gives birth to my little half-brother, now six years old, who becomes very fucking relevant to my current situation

>continue being the awkward emo-ish kid for years, only difference is that I lost all of the fat, became strong thanks to karate and my PE coach actually giving a damn

>highschool begins, and my mom boots the drunken stepdad, we end up moving cities because of the oil crash putting my mom out of work as an accountant for the company

>try to make new identity for myself at new school, fresh start

>it kind of works, I establish myself as an energetic clown type, end up meeting a group of people who I can call true friends to this day

>get first gf at 17yo, lasts 4 months, then it fails, end up with another girl soon after, end up fucking her in spite of my ex because I actually loved her and she crushed me, continue to get into a couple of other relationships that don't really go anywhere, always get fucked over somehow

>mom gets back with stepdad, drink ensues

>stepdad bums off of us, plays video games, starts shit, and drinks, while mom works to pay bills

>seriously considered murdering this man for years

>he starts to chill out towards the end and become a little likable, but it's too late, mom boots him again.

>end up with first gf again,

>graduate highschool

>end up back with first gf, this relationship lasts a year, and ended very recently, just before my 19th birthday in April

>realize how fucked I am as an adult

>nobody is around to watch my little brother, because mom booted stepdad, and my sister is always fucking gone

>for the year that I should have been working, driving, and going to college, I raised my little brother

>is the reason that my ex left me, apparently I was "being lazy and using lil brother as an excuse not to get a job"

I guess I'm just going to follow up with the recent feels and shit that's been going on in the next post, I hope that this isn't an eyesore for anyone. I just really need to talk to someone, and I find it easier to just post here instead of bothering someone irl

>>15897

So these events I'm about to post are kind of what sent me here, or I guess what you can call the breaking points.

>18yo

>be with first gf for that year

>her parents are helping me look for wedding rings and planning a marriage, they all love me and hope we have a future together

>have literally seen the country with these people, they gave me so many experiences I would have never had on my own, I love these people, still do to this day.

>all the while I'm taking care of my little brother, living in bumfuck nowhere, isolated with the kiddo.

>end up managing to move into the city, closer to work, but I'm still stuck because nocar, and nobody there for little brother

>let my mother use me as a daycare, while I neglect my needs, like the one to get a job, or move out

>eventually gf up and leaves, telling me that she doesn't think I'm going anywhere, and that her future is in another city

>turn 19

>she proceeds to have a one night stand the next week

<bitch.png

>develop crush on my neighbor who lives in the duplex next to me, call her C

>little do I know that she would become very important to me

>we become friends, we tell each other our stories, thoughts, etc

>actually starting to connect

>this persists, all kinds of weird shit happens meanwhile because our street is just cursed with autism

>one day mom and I get into it, takes everything in my body not to go off about how she just dumped the responsibility of her child into my lap

>she leaves the house to get drunk with her "friend" who fucks around her back

>I stop her before she closes the door, and I tell her I hope we can talk it out, and that I'm sorry if I seem to have disrespected her, and that I would never do that on purpose because she's the most important woman in my life and I love her

>she drives away

>go inside and lose shit, neighbors heard everything before and after

>end up punching a wall and busting my hand up

>tell my sister that I'm leaving and can't do it another day, and that I'm living my life one way or another

>I've been preparing for this day

>get my improvised rucksack, and grab everything I can that I think will help me in case I go broke/homeless

>sister tells me to go to a friend's house, and if he isn't there, come back

>decide to follow her advice

>leave my house to start walking to the place, and that girl C pulls up next to me and offers me a ride

>kind of break down in the car with her, tell her about how i was disgusted with myself, watching myself turn into my stepdad, hitting walls and stupid shit

>"I don't fucking belong here and I can't do this shit anymore" comes out of my mouth, she just says "anon.." I realize what I said and backpeddle so she doesn't think I want to kill myself

>I get to my friend's house, and she gives me a hug before she drops me off

>he isn't there, so I just stand and wait for who knows what

>he and his gf pull up, and there's me, a sweaty, tear stained lad, with a busted bloody hand standing there calling his name

>i start walking towards him and just fucking lose it

>he takes me inside and hands me a pipe, get a little stoned, tell him what happened

>C texts me a moment later, and offers to pick me up, to just go walk around and talk about stuff

>friends tell me to definitely go try and get her

>she comes and gets me, helps me through shit

>god bless this girl, she put a smile on my face after all the shit

>she eventually takes me back to my friend's, I wish I kissed her

>next day, talk to my friend about shit, and he offers me a place to stay with him

>stay for a few days, none of the applications I put in get me a call back

>go to grandparents for a few days, they help me form a plan, and now I'm back

>C saves my ass again. She tells me that they're hiring at her job, and that she can probably get me hired, give me a ride and everything

>put in the application last night

I don't know how to feel really, everything has been happening so fast that I don't know how to keep up. I have my priorities all fucked up if I'm honest. I'm so desperate for love, and I'm so infatuated by this woman, that I can't stop thinking of her, when I know I should be focusing on what I'm going to do with myself. My mom and I made up the day after I left, we agreed it was a stupid fight, and we don't hold any grudges. I'm currently back at her place, so that I can be close to C, who on top of being a good person and friend, is also my means of slavportation to the job I'll hopefully have soon.

My mom's workplace is falling apart, and she is looking for new work, on top of the fact that she and my sister are flopping around like fish without me to watch the kiddo, who is currently staying with his grandmother on my stepdad's side, while we figure out what to do.

I guess this post can serve as a silent ode to those who've helped me through all of this shit. I don't know if they know, but I love them dearly.

Anyways sorry for my tremendous gay

i want to apply to phd studies

rate

>>15899

kill yourself

insomnia is fun

i want beta uprising now

No friends because think they're doing stuff to harm me behind my back.

Can't walk down the street without looking back constantly.

Lied to co-workers about myself, don't want to give personal information

>>15924

I know this feel. But it's not that I feel people have malicious intentions towards me, so much as I feel it's inevitable they will act maliciously towards me, i.e. betray my trust.

>>15928

what meds does he take?

>>15928

tell him you're with the mafia and the don sends his regards

it'll be funny

im going to visit my aunt today

Normally I'm so dead inside that I just can't cry anymore, but tonight I've felt so low that even I've been crying my eyes out, because of what a burden I am on my mom. Out of my many failures in life, the one I'm most remorseful for is being her son. She deserved so much better.

>>15941

I wish she was here with me right now so I could apologize for being such a terrible son

it seems that im going to china soon

8chan is burning down

i just love it when shit burns down

>>15949

Like a very fat phoenix, 8kuk rose from the ashes

>>15966

The solution is clear.

You should push your sister down a ravine, and tell your parents she ran away to Clown College.

I'm not mentally ill, I was just saw someone being told to come here. So I got curious. Did you know melted Kraft singles on eggs with ground meat beans and some onions is really good? You should try it random internet strangers. So all in all a pretty average day, worked out. Waited till 12, making it today a full year of my imprisonment!

>>15972

I like this Idea but I would modify it by using higher quality cheese with Pasture raised eggs and beef and some green vegetable like peas or broccoli. Remove the beans and it becomes keto.

>>15984

I mix it for best effect with cheese on top.

>>15989

I don't know about peas but other legumes like lentils or chickpeas could work. As for the cheese you could replace it with provolone that's a nice melty cheese and not as unhealthy as kraft.

I've honestly never tried keto so I wouldn't know how it works.

>>15998

Your sister sounds just like my brother. He was a real monster when we were growing up - he stole $1200 from our mother to feed his gaming addiction, which he got away with to this day, he got a gaming computer "for school" (he thanked 'em by dropping out) while I got a shitty laptop that barely even worked and which I ended up sending to the scrapyard, he ate everything in the house to the point the grocery bill was increasing annually just to keep up, my parents favored him so much to the point my mother, despite her knowing I was desperate for a job, got HIM a job at the place she worked only for him to not even bothering to show up, skewering her image among her coworkers (or so she says) and, at one point, when our parents FINALLY got a clue and tried to cut off his internet, he faked a the rope attempt that got the police involved, and he wasn't even punished for it - he simply just moved on like it was just another day. The previous incident, my father and him got into such a big fight that my brother smashed to pieces the old desktop computer we had just so no one else could use it (the fight having started over him hogging the computer and not finding a job).

To this day, my parents STILL prefer him over me. I'm the one who graduated, I'm the one who's worked, I'm the one who's kept out of trouble, I'm the one who has actually DONE something with my life, and yet HE is the one who to this day is the apple of their eye. I guess it's because I was diagnosed with mild autism or whatever (the story keeps changing, and even if it was true, it's not like my parents ever really cared to do anything about it). He only just finally moved out of their house long after I did, and yet they're all applauding him and acting like it's the Second Coming while, when I moved out, they that's nice, dear'd me out the fucking door. I could never have a real relationship with my parents - my dad was always too chickenshit to just tell me he didn't care, and my mom would scream at me because she, like my brother, was "always right" even when it was fucking obvious she had NO idea what she was going on about. The best way to trigger this is to say ANYTHING about the Jews. She's a hardcore Zionist to the point that even if I just say the word "Jew" or "Jewish" around her, she automatically assumes I'm being anti-Semitic and goes off on a rant that might as well be Israel fuck yeah. For the record, she's not Jewish herself. She's one of those Christians in name only types because while she claims to believe in Jesus, she never goes to church - she never even leaves the house.

My parents are pretty fucked up - dad's a pussywhipped cuck who never could hold down a job for more than a couple weeks because "somebody always screwed him," and who had us living paycheck to paycheck because he loved to splurge way beyond his means because he was jealous of an alleged welfare scammer who he kept insisting he should report over it but never did - all talk, no action. Said "scammer" was actually pretty alright and at least had his shit together unlike my father. My father's the type of deadbeat dad who doesn't do a thing for his son, then whines to said son about how all the other dads' sons at work make him look bad. He also liked to throw shit at me (never my brother, of course) and beat my mom a few times, so I know exactly how >>15966 feels.

>I feel so powerless hiding in my room and listening to them both cry

I felt much the same growing up, but I'd be hiding in my room and listening to myself cry. I never knew what the fuck I did wrong to my parents to deserve the blatant neglect. The only part of the neglect my brother got hit with was that we have NO pictures of ourselves past our birth. We have our baby pictures, but after that? NOTHING. My father used to bitch at my mother for not taking any pictures and hanging them up on the walls like all the other parents, but he never took the initiative himself.

>>15999

(Continued from previous post)

My father was too busy feeding his diabetes with his piss poor diet (but whenever he saw me with a can of coke or whatever, he'd guilt trip me over it even if he himself was drinking one) and whining about the latest job he walked out on. If you didn't feed his "I'm always right" complex? You were fucked. You had to do things HIS way or not at all to the point that he never celebrated milestones I reached because I didn't achieve them the way he wanted. Got a first job? Nah, I wanted you to get a job THERE instead. Met a girl? Nah, THAT one would be better. Brought home a report card? Nah, you don't have the grades I wanted you to have. He also used to subtly take jabs at me for not having a girlfriend by randomly honking at girls he thought were hot while we were out on drives; it's not that I couldn't get a girlfriend, it's that I didn't want to scare one off by introducing her to my parents. I imagine I likely lost out on some potential relationships simply because I kept skirting the idea of going steady with a girl just so she wouldn't meet them.

My mother, on the other hand, cucked my father only to get pumped and dumped, is super paranoid to the point she always used to tell us she'd get a video camera so she could "prove" she was right about "those people" but she never did, is a hypochondriac to the max, let herself go to the point her body's fucked up but it's everyone else's fault but hers, spoiled rotten my brother only to then simultaneously hate his guts to the point she AGREED with me when I dared to tell her I wish my brother HAD committed the rope, and ALWAYS has to have the last word. She literally has a complex where she has to be right or else - seriously, you can't prove her wrong in ANYTHING because she WILL lash the fuck out. I also couldn't have any friends come over because she'd always RAGE about the idea and make up excuse after excuse to the point my father, who used to support me and want them to come, eventually gave up. They'd never come and I'd lose my friends entirely shortly thereafter. I don't even have any extended family to reach out too, because my father was adopted (and I have NO info about his adoptive or bio family whatsoever) and all I have on my mother's side is a grandma she literally treated like the Antichrist (but then she'd blame me when I said that was why I never wanted to reach out to her in the first place), an agoraphobic sister and a brother whose name is the ONLY thing I know about him.

When I moved out, I no contacted the three of them and haven't heard from them since.

>>>15998

>My sister is going to kill our parents and there's nothing I can do about it.

At first, I used to dream my parents/brother would all die, but then I just ended up saying what's the point? I shouldn't have to think about that when it comes to my family. I just wish I was aborted or given up for adoption at this point, because the signs were there even before my brother was born - I'm the older one.

>Anon, why can't you just be normal?

My father told me this after discovering he had a gifted child on his hands. To this day, it's the one thing I remember most from him. Pardon me if I'm rambling or whatever, I just have a lot to say.

>>15945

It doesn't all apply to me, but your post hits me hard, anon.

>Not a complete retard intellectually but lack basic communication and language skills.

That's me to a T. Book smarts to the max, but no smarts elsewhere.

>Life isn't objectively bad enough to justify killing myself.

I used to think of killing myself, but then I thought: well, why should I have to? I didn't ask to be born in the first place, why should I have to potentially risk getting some form of locked in syndrome paralysis just to get the fuck out? So, I exist sovery funnyy in a limbo of sorts.

Kinda shit; the guy I've been talking to has been acting a bit weird lately.

We exchanged 'I love you' recently (he did first) and it felt so good and like flowers were blooming inside my stomach but lately, after I expressed my concern that it might be a bit difficult considering he lives in the middle of nowhere USA. I suggested he come up to me in Canada but he doesn't have a passport. I do but if I visit him I'll have to deal with his mother who he lives with and she basically starves him, and then gets mad when he gets his own food. So whatever whatever. Anyways, he's just been really distant and just seems not okay and I keep telling him he can tell me anything and I'd rather know if something is up so I can help him through it. I was watching something and missed a message from him, he left it there for 20 minutes but then by the time I saw it he had deleted it and said "nothing to see here." I'm worried, I'm scared, and most of all I'm disappointed he won't just tell me. I don't know if it's because of the whole distance thing I brought up or if it's because I've been so manic and depressed lately but

TL;DR: AAAAAAAAAG!!!

cont.

im sorry i intended to talk more about my feelings than my internal philosophies/morality. im rambling on but words are good, ive never wrote this much before and its actually kind of fun.i did it for myself, thats what i will tell the jury. when i face the music of no one else reading this, being lost to the void. at least im in the void with my creations too, theyre not alone and scared. some day i will die i wonder what that will be like. i hope i can rewind and look through every thing which happened in my life, so that nothing is truly forgotten.i dont want to forget, thats why sharing is so important, thats why i make art. fuck, im feeling my feelings now, reminded myself of that awesome book which i have been living in, theres a playground i used to go to a lot as a child, its made of this nice dark oak wood ffs idk if its oak but its dark. and its nice and reminds me of a lot of things which make me myself at this moment. the smell of dirt as well, and lights. walking around in the dark in the night, in the suburban place which i live. its beautifuil in its own way, streetlights.. i see lots of foxes and sometimes chase after them. some times i cover myself in isopropyl alcohol too, actually i only did that once and it was a long time ago. i remember it fondly though, such an interesting time, so nice….

agh im getting torn down by fucking evil things again, so ryy . its not evil its just … fuck.. sorry. okayy ive gone off balance. i need to learn good balance and how to repair myself. it generates a wierd, like, growth, like a tumor kind of, it s wierd. like i can assimilate it if i try. but its just there and taking space tooooooo, ahh its got al ot of mass in it, could probably be food, or like mana/magicka whatever magic mystical ethereal energy or whatever… yeah.. hehehehehehe it actually makes me laugh alot. i find it funny. i hope some one reads this and laughs along side m.e anon or whoever reading this i love you so much . .. like i want to.. okay i shouldnt say. im not even imagining doing that to a real human or physical form…………. better stop here i guess..

i hope im not over the character limits now….

just briefly looked over what i wrote, sorry about the cringy disingenous bad shit , i like to believe i am trying to fix it. pls just know that if you recognized it and were disgusted, that i am also disgusted. i just lack the energy and finesse to fix it. (not talking about anything in particular)

I feel absolutely terrible.

I have severe OCD. One of the things it does is make going to the bathroom into pure torture. Every time I do it, I have to spend at least an hour and a half washing my hands and arms. Most of that time is spent repeatedly washing the same parts because I believe I somehow didn't do it properly. I have a particularly hard time washing the outside of my hands (the side the pinky finger is on), probably because I can't see the soap going onto it so I can't be sure it's getting everywhere. My brain keeps telling me that if I don't wash everything absolutely perfectly, I'll basically be sent to Hell. It's a little more specific than that, but that's the general idea - wash perfectly or I'll be subjected to the worst suffering I can imagine, designed specifically to target all my worst fears.

Today, I had to go through that torture twice in a short time frame. I went to the bathroom once, had some food, and then about an hour later, I had to go again. It didn't take quite as long the second time, but it was still terrible. I feel fucking traumatized by this. I'm just utterly terrified of the next time I have to go to the bathroom. The only thing that makes me feel any better is eating and drinking, but that will also make me have to go to the bathroom sooner, so I can't even really do that. I don't want to sleep, either, because I usually have to piss after sleeping.

I just want to cry. I want to cry and have someone hold me and tell me they're going to make it all go away and give me what I need to be happy. I don't think I can take this anymore. I think I might be about to finally go completely insane. Even without OCD, my life was already fucked up and hopeless, and I know that on some level, OCD is holding back something even worse. At least when my mind is dominated by OCD, I don't have to face the full realization of how hopeless everything else is. So as much as I want OCD to go away, I'm also terrified of what would happen if it did.

Thank you to anyone who read all this stuff.

>>13567

https://illuminatiofficial.xyz/ You should consider giving up. And winning for a change. Check out this playlist first. YOU GET ONE CHANCE NOT TO FUCK THIS UP!!! Don't even make contact until you're sure. Add me on facebook Stephen Kirton (Doctor Who logo on bottom) This goes for anyone who wants to escape. I can help.

>>16055

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/07EmMktgD5Fs09r1gScoC4?si=FkD-OdSiS7GJ_huzczvLig Love, the Doctor

>>16045

Me again.

My OCD is even worse now. Going to the bathroom has become an even more torturous ordeal. I'm starting to get PTSD symptoms because of it. All I can think about is how I never want to go to the bathroom ever again.

I keep hoping that somehow the pain will overwhelm me, and then I'll simply break and just stop caring. That hasn't happened yet.

>>16057

Memantine. Find it, get it, It's a dissociate anaesthetic that makes the body and the emotions less intense and thus easier to handle for us autistics. nootropicsource.com

>>16057

Also, make a deal with Bill Cipher to take away your OCD and help get your life on track. Tell him the Doctor will pay the price of your deal. He'll agree because I made a deal with him to help people. Bill Cipher can be summoned by first taking a picture of your victim and cross out the eyes. Then you put 8 candles around the picture in a circle then say the following spell: "Triangulum, entangulum. meteforis dominus ventium. meteforis venetisarium!" Saying that will make your eyes glow blue and you'll say the "Backwards message" backwards 5 times:"Asetnoheptus Asetnoheptus Asetnoheptus Asetnoheptus Asetnoheptus" A triangle will appear and one eye will open and will turn into Bill's normal appearance. When you summon him, he puts everyone and anyone observing in a trance-like-dream. The world will then turn colorless, and he is able to effect the surrounding environment however he pleases. When Bill leaves, the people observing the area realizes their eyes have been closed during his meeting.

Remember to take great caution when making a contract/deal with him

I use messenger to edit a selfie of me with my eyes crossed out, and flashing rainbow colours, 8 in all, which make up the 8 candles in a digital fashion. Set up the edited gif followed by the text followed by another copy of the edited gif so you can always see it as you scroll down the :messenger conversation with yourself by typing your own name in the search bar, then Bill can write down stuff and you can ask him in advance for what you need. then do the ritual. Remember to mention the Doctor has paid the price of the bargain.

I just wish i wasn't born

>>13823

Sorry to say but it sounds like she's leading you on/isn't that into you. If she's not responding with any enthusiasm to your attempts maybe just stop trying to talk to her for a while and find other things/people to keep yourself occupied. Your two female coworkers probably just mean men who have no sense of dignity. Being generally friendly/courteous won't scare women away but being overly concerned with presenting yourself as "nice"/doing things the "right" way will; women will just think you're a coward. Maybe stop watching Bojack if it's making you feel emotionally distant from your friends.

i have literally never met a man who hasn't hurt me in some major way and i am giving up

felt down again after 2-3 months of feeling actually good.

depression sucks, man. I hope its all just a meme

ill die someday understanding how cruel people are and then they can die too. it will be normal and fine. as it was intended to be

people just keep being bad, they dont stop

ugly vooooices ugly things they say. im at loss here i want to yank my inssides out

You failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHAYou failed the CAPTCHA

SHUT THE FUCK UPP

yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy trryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyrt wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwtryyw rt yyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy 566666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666666

lkesssssssssssssgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggwejhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttjarkkkkkkkkkatttttttttttttttttttttttttttihhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh4w3iuuuuuuuuuuuuutaaaaayhhhhhdefgggg87uwerrrrrrrrrtgfnedriuagttttttttttttttttttttttt4wwmental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★vvvmental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★vvvvvvvvvvvmental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★vvvvmental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★vvvvmental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★v mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders★y5t384999t57yuure89ggggggggggggggggggfhdddddddddddddddddfhhhhhhhhhhfgbde

i want to scream hg pfffff im so sad two days in a row of all this fuccckinnnng noises and people people suck and need to die

sad sad sad

everyone in my mothers side needs to die. what fucking olg hag puts icyhot on their vag. fucking stupid. bunch of retards that cant do anything good

saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaadddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

abusive and neglectful parents all need to die

oh it hurts this powerless feeling. my body is severely exhausted and i may as well ttake a pain killer and restt allll day

>>13554

Seems like there is something inside me that wants to drag me down. Life's a shitshow. Am on meds that makes it worse.

>>16186

Also wish to add that it all leads to a negative feedback loop. I don't currently have a job, though I should have one at this age since society expects us to have and this lead to straining of relations between me and my cousin.

She came to my city for couple of days and stayed one night at my house. Some of her money got lost. Since I am the unemployed one, she automatically assumed I must have stole it and disregarded all the other possibilities. It pissed me off so much, I still tried to apologize for the misunderstanding but she mucked the whole thing up, even calling up every relative we have in common just to tell them that I am a potential thief. This pissed me off so much.I don't normally want to get angry with people but this event really drove me nuts.

Got nowhere to vent my frustration, hence sorry for the rant.