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/mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders

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You are the healing.

File: af82530d1025ad8⋯.jpg (41.54 KB,576x448,9:7,prithvi.jpg)

 No.14030

I was a victim of child abuse for twelve years. I lived in fear every day. Domestic violence was a common occurrence, and I had to intervene repeatedly to prevent my stepfather from killing my mother. I've also had to intervene in her suicide attempts. My mother, who, when I came out to her about his abuse after I saw a safe opportunity–he had just kidnapped my sister and fled to another state–ultimately chose him over both of us and took him back after two weeks. I was sort of adopted by another family in my teen years, and spent as much time away from home as I could. I got bullied and threatened a lot as a kid, and teen. I've hurt a lot of people for no good reason at all. There's the cliche "confusing love with violence" that I have come to accept as cliche for a reason: the people I hurt were those close to me, and I learned this from my stepfather. I sexually assaulted my girlfriend when I had just turned fourteen. I've attacked a few friends violently without warning.

As soon as I got to college, my stepfather kidnapped my siblings an fled again, my mom got evicted, and again it was apparent that long before they were no longer physically around me, I had been abandoned. As an adult, I've been a drug dealer and been in a lot of sketchy situations, I've also been raped–this led to the realization of my monstrous actions years before. I've told no one about either. I stayed in a haze of drugs and booze for years. I felt like no one knew me, and if they really did, they would hate me, so I pushed them away.

I wanted to die for as long as I remember but I didn't want to kill myself.

I've been in and out of therapy for years, medicated and unmedicated. I finally got some stuff that works (that isn't pot), but it's no longer as effective. I am on the maximum safe dose of my SNRI. I just got done doing the PTSD + borderline cycle, in which I am made anxious by a trigger, retreat, am overwhelmed by anger and sadness, will do almost anything to make it stop, and finally it's over after about ten minutes.

When you grow up around domestic violence, and have been violent yourself, you have a lot of fucking triggers. Hearing a door close in my own house, hearing dishes rattle, hearing an idling diesel engine, someone touching my back, the smell of vodka, touching a woman, almost any childhood memory that I recall detours quickly into recalling a traumatic experience that overwhelms me.

I'm writing all this because if I don't get it out I can't get back to doing the productive shit I'm supposed to be doing. You can move on from stuff in the sense than you can be mostly functional, but these scars are permanent. I will never feel like a normal person. I will never live without constant shame, fear, and distrust over my head like a guillotine. My psychs have always focused on cognitive behavioral therapy, which amounts to "don't think about it."

Yeah, see how effective that is. I'm trying to find a counselor that will let my process my past, but I'm not holding my breath. Unless you've been through Hell, been a monster, how can you possibly know what it's like?

No one talks about the trauma that comes from being the bad guy and having a conscience. Not unless you're a soldier, and my country worships them so the support is more there. I find that interesting.

____________________________
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 No.14031

File: ff3366193f38c0a⋯.jpeg (105.51 KB,681x1000,681:1000,1412360599422.jpeg)

there's no helping someone like you

only preventing you from degenerating further

i wish something could be done

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 No.14032

>>14031

sure feels that way, doesn't it? can try to seal up the cracks in the glass but you can't put the water back in. there is a beast in me that I know lives in others, and that is probably the most frightening insight I can offer. mental illness can be contagious. I carry a gun and trauma kit for a reason. crazy can smell crazy, and you never know when a madman will decide to change your life forever.

the best life I can salvage is one where I use what I know to help others through their struggles, and prevent others from going down the same paths. I've had some success in more recent years, in being a positive influence on people rather than a source of pain, but at the end of the day, I never feel any less broken. I fear being a father because I fear being either of mine–the absentee who abandoned me or the stepfather who tortured me, destroyed my mother, and with her, abandoned me.

PTSD manifests itself in weird ways sometimes. I'm a huge slut, for example, and keeping my relationship stable has been hard. when I feel like shit I just want to get high and do depraved things with strangers–see just how low I can go until I die.

having goals helps.

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 No.14036

File: 066139275c4135c⋯.jpg (231.97 KB,773x1000,773:1000,14f79d6e03fb3b277cc79d0c5a….jpg)

>>14030

Wean yourself off of the psychiatric meds and then try pure MDMA. You are becoming increasing self aware but this does little for your disposition because your unconscious psyche is still heavily influenced by the mostly negative emotional content. The empathogen will help reorganize the contents of your schema so that you can adopt a more functional disposition. https://www.maps.org/ If you get a new girlfriend you should try some with her.

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 No.14037

File: 5e465784b1c7b69⋯.jpg (225.98 KB,900x1196,225:299,1471512351334.jpg)

>>14036

dropping acid in college led to one of my first breakthroughs, in which I was able to love myself, if briefly. taking a fuckton of adderall xrs over the course of a two day binge also produced a similar self-sparking momentum. the meds I'm on now, like acid and methamphetamine, mimic serotonin to regulate dopamine and norepinephrine. all hallucinogens and most psychoactives operate by modulating production and retention of neurotransmitters, most of them using these three systems. there's no reason to "throw out psych meds" when the psych meds I'm using are "functional acid". the only problem I have with them is that I can build up a tolerance to any drug very quickly. wellbutrin turned my life around after prozac, zoloft, gabapentin, fluvoxamine, effexor, trazadone (worked well to ease depression but I slept a lot), ultimately failed me. mdma also uses the same pathways as SSRIs, SNRIs, and other hallucinogens. I don't like psilocybin (makes me too paranoid and anxious) but mescaline was great, as was 2c-i.

I've done a lot of drugs. my gf is on the same shit I am. we have a lot of similar problems. I may be bipolar too. it was a rule-out on my diagnosis, meaning the doc was 60/40 on me not being bipolar.

the biggest problem I have with my schema linkage is that they are directly survival-related. i still live in a dangerous world. I fear that if l lose my fear of man, like the dodo, I will share its fate.

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 No.14038

File: c5b6c40a608cbf0⋯.jpeg (311.81 KB,1200x1029,400:343,FUTURE.jpeg)

>>14037

Well symptoms of bi-polar depression can also be a result of nutritional deficiency and resulting free radical damage. https://www.ewg.org/research/how-much-is-too-much/appendix-b-vitamin-andmineral-deficiencies-us Note that most of the cheap compact centrum vitamins are not absorbed properly and that most tests given by establishment medical doctors will not detect a deficiency in the brain. You should strongly consider seeing a naturopathic physician. The pharmaceutical drugs are designed to artificially compensate for the bodies inability to produce the molecules needed naturally. This would cause the symptoms you describe. Through corporate propaganda the pharmaceutical industry has created a market environment which allows them to profit by selling their synthetic and therefore pattentable knock off molecules to the public. For example type two diabetes is caused by a deficiency in chromium and vanadium. I strongly suggest that you see a naturopathic physician. More information on the subject can be found in this book. https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/epigenetics-joel-wallach/1118081188

We have been born into a hostile and corrupt world. The corruption has seeped into seemingly every system but a psychic immune response is taking place which will cause socio-cultural and political changes throughout civilization. The establishment is starting to crumble, and a true new world order shall take its place in a global reformation. There is light at the end of the tunnel. You have experienced the worst that man can do but will you allow that experience to prevent you from seeing the city upon the hill?

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 No.14041

That's from Digital Devil Saga, right? I've just started playing this hidden gem, good stuff!

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 No.14042

File: c7bf1b9ca15b7b9⋯.jpg (6.3 KB,249x216,83:72,1522459600716.jpg)

>>14041

Never heard of that before. I just channel that sorta shit when I'm lit.

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 No.14043

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

>>14042

You should check it out. It's kinda like Persona.

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 No.14047

File: e4b7d97ea35f14a⋯.png (449.62 KB,500x738,250:369,6c0f7478dd8bedb1c06bda1b46….png)

>>14041

DDS and its sequel are really good.

I went back to play SMT 3: Nocturne, and it doesn't feel nearly as character driven–it's been hard to complete. Whereas with DDS, I couldn't wait to see where all this shit was going (it's worth it).

Remember that buffs and debuffs are god in these games, and to level your characters to resist the elements they're weak to when possible.

(pic from SMT 3 and Gyo edit)

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 No.14048

>>14047

I really love how rich and unusual the setting is. I wish more RPGs could be this creative instead of following the same old medieval fantasy with elves and orcs trope.

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 No.14049

>>14048

Xenogears/saga/blade also fall under the [J]RPG but different" lens. Technically, I suppose a few Final Fantasy games do too. 7, X, and 13 were different. 8 was futuristic medievalish. Neo-medieval?

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 No.14052

>>14030

>There's the cliche "confusing love with violence"

That's not a cliche, you just need to kill yourself

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 No.14054

>>14052

you have to go back fgt

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 No.14084

>>14032

>I'm a huge slut

At least you can get with people. I can't, and it makes me see rape as the only alternative.

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 No.14179

>>14052

you learn how to love by those who are around you when youre young, so if all the developing brain sees is violence, they are conditioned to believe anger and threats and violence = “love”. we will always go for familiarity for comfort, even if the familiar isnt good.

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 No.14194

>>14084

sex is only good if they want you, it's an ego feeding thing you're looking for. rape is the opposite, and it will scar you as badly as it does your victim, if not worse. if you have a capacity for conscience, do anything else.

I have herpes, so I got that going for me.

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 No.14480

>>14194

dick pic pls

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 No.14545

>>14084

is prostitution illegal where you live?

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 No.15143

>>14037

I'm glad you have a GF.

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 No.15627

Anyone else have a co-morbidity?

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 No.16159

>>15627

I have OCD + discouraged BPD

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 No.16162

>>14030

>No one talks about the trauma that comes from being the bad guy and having a conscience.

People refuse to acknowledge their own capacity to do wrong themselves and tell themselves that it's hard to sympathize with wrongdoers to protect their egos. In my case I was both the bad guy and pathetic rather than overtly aggressive and predatory. The only girl I had any semblance of a relationship with, one day, rolled the dice and tried to kill herself by overdosing on meds while I was with her, but I had no idea. I should have noticed - her body was much limper than usual and she seemed half-asleep. I just held her, but not out of concern or anything. I felt a sense of power at her weakness and just basked in it. If I had realized what she did, I probably would have felt awful then and there, but I think it was far more fitting for me, the asshole loser, to have been totally oblivious.

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