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/pen/ - A Place to Create and Critique

Writing and reviewing ink pens and political literature

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Welcome to Pen Island
Our pen is big
Political discussion is allowed by default. This board is SFW

File: 1428593532221.jpg (245.67 KB, 400x395, 80:79, DJ OKAWARI.jpg)

 No.322[Reply]

Nzolo, whats your say on my newest poetry?

Feedback on my poem?

Genuine

Give me the sweet green exception
of your genuine red affection
not the chalked up, blacked out alienation
far below our crowded white sunny sky sensation
where planes fly and our infatuation never dies
which where way above in the dark abyss
across the ocean of time, love is just a myth
I have to say hell no, fuck yes,
fathom the aesthetics from which you are blessed
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 No.326

>>322
I would have to hear it, I can't get any rhythm from reading it.

Besides that, and I mean this with respect, what the fuck are you on about? It reads like a schizophrenic's manifesto.
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 No.327

>>326
Does it really? How so?
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 No.328

>>324
Such as what?
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 No.329

>>322
I like it, anon.
But try to carve out a bit more of a rhythm.
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 No.331

>>327
My understanding of the poem is this. It's a confused profession of some bastard of adoration and lust for some other - never defined nor articulated, like the first stanza zooming about in its caprice. All of this urge directed towards some person that we are assured is 'genuine' and worthy of the 'best' treatment, I presume, despite that treatment not being the most noble in the first place.

Now, am I off the mark, or is this poem really a Frankenstein's monster of traditional, virtuous love and misguided modern "love"? The lack of discernible rhythm helps to exude that vibe of a fickle narrator. This is why it reads like a schizo's manifesto, or perhaps more strikingly, the midnight text messages I receive from my junkie friends. It's all over the place, like a budding, awkward teenage writer's first poem for his secret crush.

It shows great promise, but it is simply unrefined and immature in its structure and motive. Practise and read more, learn more about the ways of the world, and make sure that your next inspiration is more of a tour de force, and not like this tour de farce.
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File: 1428550574503.jpg (1.51 MB, 2560x1600, 8:5, 1422316059173.jpg)

 No.320[Reply]

Hey, /pen/, im trying to write a sci-fi story based in the far future. I dont really want to go into what the story is about, but i plan to have it heavily based around internet messages and chats.

Normally when i write, its poetry (and pretty shitty free verse at that), and i have never written a full story before. How the hall do i make the online dialogue nice, and not super shitty? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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 No.321

Write something and we will tell you what you can do to improve it.
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File: 1428459856811.jpg (67.51 KB, 746x953, 746:953, 78454184214.jpg)

 No.313[Reply]

Greetings!

I have something to share with you.
Would you mind giving this a quick glance and tell me what you think?
I hope creating a new thread for this was acceptable.

-

Dear Allies,

After World War I, you nurtured the young Soviet Union and tried to internally poison and destroy post-WWI-Germany, which ultimatively led to the events of World War II. When one single man, tried to relieve the world of the Jewish plague. To finally restore order and peace to all lesser men around the globe, which were and will now forever be, thanks to you, pawns in the games of the Jews, you decided to stand by Great Britannia and her Empire of lies, instead of doing what was good and what was righteous. You then proceeded to side with Stalin and destroy Nazi Germany, the last bastion of hope for the Occident. Roosevelt led by greed and fear of losing influence over South-East Asia put an embargo of steel and oil and Japan, leaving them no other option, but to join the war and tricking the American citizens into yet supporting another war. After war, you came to realize where you had done wrong. The Soviets had occupied Europe and the Jew gleefully rubbed their hands, sensing the great wealth that could be gained, from simply supporting both sides with weapons. Yet, did you learn? When the Iron Curtain fell, instead of offering a helping hand to the crushed Russians and establishing lasting peace, you smugly looked the other way, hurting their pride even more. Russia extending its claws again, is solely your fault. Instead of seeing the threat that China became to be, even more so today, you nurtured a deeply corrupted and perverted nation, traded with them, built them up. Well, you see were that led you to. Lets face it, by killing this man you doomed us all. Picture very related. Do not call it a grave, it is the future you chose. You are welcome.

-
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 No.315

>>314
This is not perfect yet, I agree.
But "the allies" is the biggest generic term I could come up with, addressing every country not being Germany or sided with Germany.
Simply writing America wouldnt have been correct.
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 No.316

>>315
You misunderstand my main point: what on earth is the purpose of this? To dance over the finer points of geopolitical and economic history so that you could steal some moral high ground? Are you going to mail this into the oval office?
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 No.317

>>316
>You misunderstand my main point: what on earth is the purpose of this? To dance over the finer points of geopolitical and economic history so that you could steal some moral high ground? Are you going to mail this into the oval office?

That is an excellent idea!
The purpose of this text though, is simply to startle people and give me replies so we can work it trough.
That worked perfectly on pol, I consider this thing to be a success.
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 No.318

>>317
Let me get this straight. You're attention whoring?
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 No.319

>>318
Right, making people think a little is attention whoring.
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File: 1427405771439.jpg (82.52 KB, 454x750, 227:375, image.jpg)

 No.276[Reply]

Posted this on /pol/, first time writing poetry
pls no bully


the chaos of warring tribes
Came one great enemy to unitize
Each tribe held fast each tribe held firm
As great people weathered the storm
Of Roman armies marching forth
To face the might of a united north.
The Goth, German, Gaul, and Celt
Each of their blades the Roman felt
And as Europe's might descended forth
Great Rome fell before the North.

Post too long. Click here to view the full text.
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 No.277

File: 1427418048825.jpg (20.26 KB, 250x300, 5:6, 1426140013936-0.jpg)

>>276
Really good for a first poem. Keep it up.
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 No.297

Pretty good.

One critique is that you're inconsistent. You've got the rhyme down, but not the meter. That's okay, not every poem needs to be in meter. I believe it's good to study meter and grammar, and unless you really know what you're doing it's usually better to stick with tradition. Just think: how many postmodern poems were written in meter? Not very many. They reject what has proven itself to work very well.

>Years passed and kingdoms fell

>The years and ages passed away
>Many people still today

This, along with your use of fell, north, etc., is very repetitious. It's a bit of a crutch to start a stanza based in a new time with "years passed" or "days turned to months to years" that sort of thing.

Repetition can be used well but if it isn't it just makes the poem seem, well, not poetic, and can be monotonous. It can be hard to find ways to describe things without naming it directly, but it's important have that ability. Don't be overly vague though, that's probably worse haha.

Overall I agree with the cat above me: breddy gud 5/5. Practice, study meter, read poetry, and you can get better.
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 No.298

>>297

Oh and if it wasn't clear you need to write poetry too. That's really the most important part to getting better: developing your technical ability.

That is one thing I believe to be fundamentally wrong with postmodernism: that little value is placed on technical skill, and more on "how it makes you feeeel"; whether it can shock the reader, or make the reader happy. Art is more than a means to pleasure. It isn't just an expression of one man's emotions. I don't know what it is, but I know it's meant to be beautiful.
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 No.311

[quietly donates unique IP]
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File: 1423143692760.jpg (584.94 KB, 1052x600, 263:150, 2084.jpg)

 No.23[Reply]

(Will bump with pdf)

So I've had a scifi/fantasy conspiracy novel floating around in my head for years. Last January I penned this chapter to use as a prologue. There's not much action but I felt that it was better than the other introductions/chapter one's that I tried.

The scope of the novel ballooned significantly since I started writing it, though progress has been slow since I maybe have 20 mins. a day to work on it. The premise of the entire story is this:

> Journalist unknowingly stumbles upon a massive scandal involving private military corporations and elements of the CIA

> Journalist craves attention and recognition, but gets more than she bargained for when these things do come
> Initially publishes a rather mundane story on her blog which is picked up by other media and later, a photograph she posted (provided by her source) becomes the focus of much scrutiny because it purportedly shows a convicted murderer – who is supposed to be in a military prison – as an employee of the company
> Strange things start happening almost immediately, and the person who broke the story disappears. The journalist herself becomes increasingly paranoid; it becomes more and more obvious that she is being watched and followed (and this is a deliberate strategy from the agencies and corporations harassing her; a tactic called “bumper locking”); trying to cause extreme fear and paranoia, and eventually a mental breakdown
> Blackstarr PMC is gradually implicated in a massive corruption scandal and many of their nefarious activities are revealed. Reporters start disappearing and important bankers/financial industry people start dying mysteriously
> The government and military-industrial complex, along with big pharma, are gradually implicated as well; as it is revealed that Blackstarr's behind-the scenes criminal operations and its practice of securing convicted criminals to work in important positions are merely part of a network of CIA front groups

The twist:
In a "conspiracy within a conspiracy," Blackstarr and its employees are actually (unbeknownst to them) the victims of a much larger secret experimentation program; unwittingly helping to beta-test pharmaceuticals and technology for use in applications relating tPost too long. Click here to view the full text.
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 No.85

this is awesome! keep up the good work man
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 No.108

You've certainly got skill, and the premise has potential. I hope you continue to work on this.
I hope to see some subtle parallels in this story that relate to the current state of affairs.
While there is room to refine your writing style, you're of to a good start. Perhaps once you've got the initial draft written you can go over it. It's already showing promise, and I find it compelling.

I enjoy your references to the board culture and general cynical outlook we have on here. It will go over most people's heads if they are not familiar with the references, but it reads well whether or not the references are understood. Readers here will appreciate the references.

>>76
I agree about "showing and not telling."
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 No.163

I disagree with previous reviewers. This reads like young adult detective fiction. The narrative scope is extremely limited and linear, being almost completely nothing more than the main character's observations. The fact that there is next to nothing but dialogue and lacking themes, messages, or etc reveals the female sex of the author, and the seeming pro-SJW slant is unfavorable. This is not the kind of inspiring or well-written story that necessary.
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 No.307

>>163
I completely agree with this post.
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 No.309

>>163
I agree. I think the author should try to make the story a little bit more "big picture", so to speak.
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File: 1425301278175.jpg (29.38 KB, 480x320, 3:2, image.jpg)

 No.199[Reply]

Once upon a time there was an ugly duckling. The ugly duckling was very ugly, causing normal people to be grossed out, but they still made friends with the ugly duckling, they just didn't want to fuck it. So the ugly duckling got mad and turned into an SJW who complained about beauty standards and how it was truly the beautiful duckling. This ugly duckling had deluded itself, and in turn deluded many other impressionable ugly ducklings to believe that being an ugly duckling was the thing the be, and that if you didn't like ugly ducklings you were a sexist homophobic patriarchy pig. How dare you not use xers deluded pronouns to address it as the beautiful duckling that it really was, you ducking shitlord. Then one day the normal ducklings got tired of this bitches shit and popped a cap in her ugly duckling ass. And no, this bitch was not a swan, just a fat slob.

The End.
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 No.288

>>199
That was amazin m8
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 No.291

>>199
ebin cheers
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File: 1426737159740.pdf (181.1 KB, Chapter 1.pdf)

 No.256[Reply]

So I'm writing a novel of sorts, trying to shoot for 1500 to 2000 words per chapter. I'm trying to be subtle with the /pol/ themes, so a publisher won't be scared of it. The story is about a disgraced ex-reporter hearing from his friend who was murdered in Mexico, prompting him to go and investigate his murder, as well as the conspiracy he was going after.

The first two chapters are done, I was hoping for constructive crit?
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 No.257

File: 1426737196769.pdf (103.03 KB, Chapter 2.pdf)

Also posting second chapter.
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 No.269

>>256
Surely, a proper critique would have to occur on the whole. Godspeed anon
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 No.274

>>269

Right now I'm kind of at a crossroads- how do I describe Eddie getting to Mexico? I don't know if I want to take him out of New York so quick, since I don't know if I've done enough to explain how miserable and overgrown the city is. That being said, there's not a lot that has to happen, other than him following James's posthumous instructions. Advice?
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File: 1423177041165.png (38.29 KB, 756x1008, 3:4, cover.png)

 No.34[Reply]

Why hello thar, aspiring writers. I've spent the better part of my adult life writing short stories and such and finally got around to finishing my first novel last year. I'm hear to answer any questions you have on the gory reality of fiction writing.

You can read the beginning of said novel at: 112029.net
Some of my short fiction is available at: astropulp.blogspot.com

Fire away!
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 No.40

>>38

I exist. I'm sorry that upsets you.

No, I'm not.
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 No.43

>>38
Projection
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 No.60

>>37
Do you have anything to say to a poet or is poetry deader than dead now
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 No.63

>>60

Poetry didn't die, but the market for professional poets is miniscule. In the US, you have the national poet laureate, currently Charles Wright, a position so esteemed it pays a measly $35k. Many states have their own poet laureates, but these are often honorary positions that confer little benefit beyond name recognition.

That said, it's stupidly easy to get your poetry published in anthologies. Mind, you won't be paid for your work, but it'll appear in print. Also, participating in poetry readings is a great way to meet people in the literary industry, particularly those who run journals in which you can publish your work.
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 No.272

Have you ever had anything published by an actual publisher?

and have you ever considered just writing YA
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File: 1426476233321.jpeg (18.89 KB, 350x236, 175:118, 156207138_utopia_answer_2….jpeg)

 No.246[Reply]

My post from a thread on /pol/, expanded a bit. It is on natural law and how the White race and other human races fit into that law, as well as the Creativity movement.

Here's a pastebin link, I don't have Office.

http://pastebin.com/40dr4gZG
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 No.248

>>246

Bumping 4 views ;_;
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 No.268

>>246

Harsh, but well written.
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File: 1426726895831.png (2.29 MB, 1017x1600, 1017:1600, 1426647637840.png)

 No.251[Reply]

It would be really helpful for parents if you could post moral stories..
So much of the kids books is about tolerance and non violence.


It would be helpful to have stories that encourage loyalty and tribalism. Stories that explain nat soc and the evils of usury (and feminism, etc etc). Sometimes violence has been historically necessary.



We need stories that encourage gender roles.

Stories that combat all modern brain washing. Stories (some) might even have broad appeal.


We need kids to be suspicious, especially of liberals/prove, non whites, gov tyranny…..

Post too long. Click here to view the full text.
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 No.262

File: 1426959489928.jpg (162.56 KB, 1280x853, 1280:853, We need diverse books beca….jpg)

Check out some of these stories
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 No.263

File: 1426959611224.jpg (78.6 KB, 550x440, 5:4, M_is_for_Mustache_Cover_0.jpg)

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 No.264

File: 1426959673732.jpg (83.85 KB, 400x599, 400:599, multiracial-books-for-kids….jpg)

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 No.265

File: 1426959692037.jpg (18.1 KB, 236x300, 59:75, a6592e18178517a2a016129e45….jpg)

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 No.266

File: 1426959809837.jpg (200.37 KB, 1725x576, 575:192, 1426043119044.jpg)

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File: 1424513690869.jpg (59.74 KB, 471x501, 157:167, 1423727521573.jpg)

 No.144[Reply]

Board owner here, I'm thinking of contacting the Daily Stormer and making them aware that this board exists, and it means we could potentially write articles for them if they like some of the work.
How would people feel about this?
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 No.228

>>144
I don't like their writing much, but if you think it is worth it go ahead.
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 No.230

It's up to you boss,personally I don't think we should become affiliated with any one site.or at least any one site that may attract UNwanted attention or cause people to overlook us because of that affiliation
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 No.247

Sounds good to me. They can lurk here for ideas and/or people can contact them with ideas, if this is something D/S is interested in.
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 No.255

Anglin is a bit of a spaz, I don't know if I'd want to seriously associate with him. I'd gladly write shit-talking troll pieces for him, though. Both MyPostingCareer and /duck/ seem to like my work.
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 No.261

If the board owner does not want to be associated with again, he can still make him aware.
Again is often asking for original content.

The writers can be anon and not associated with pen

I encourage u to contact him
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File: 1426145182358.jpg (37.85 KB, 590x278, 295:139, newinfowar.jpg)

 No.241[Reply]

Perhaps we could collaborate, and put our collective knowledge of the internet and general internet raid techniques into a piece of writing? After all, you all know how much leftists love referring to Alinsky's work. Why not have our own instruction manuals? I dare say we can not only gather a bunch of proper and useful old info, but even include the techniques we've pioneered.
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 No.260

This is not a halfbad idea OP,we'll need a pastebin or something.manipulation should probably be included as well.
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File: 1423146884806.jpg (233.66 KB, 2000x1124, 500:281, narnia_dawn_treader26.jpg)

 No.25[Reply]

Not a good writer? Not even a writer? Same here. Welcome to the club.

The truth is, it doesn't matter how "good" you are. Because even if you never write a publishable work, fiction is an invaluable tool for mental development and self-improvement.

(bumping with pdf)
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 No.99

File: 1424078079942.jpg (14.9 KB, 201x370, 201:370, checkem.jpg)

>>25
practice makes perfect. it's also a lot of fun when you've had a couple. check em.
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 No.164

>>26
Extremely strong writing here and from what I've read it's the best submission so far on the board. I'd recommend to read this to all.
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 No.193

>>164
fuck me this guy is good
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 No.249

>>25
Another good exercise is to extrapolate sentences or ideas to try to improve your vocabulary.

For example:
The fox jumped over the dog.
>Panting in the heat of the day, the scarlet fox hurled itself into the air over the canine that so fought to keep him from his quarry.
Shit like that.
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 No.250

>>249
Or at least to get you into the mode or bringing more words to bear from your repertoire.
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File: 1424732506335.jpg (13.72 KB, 290x448, 145:224, augustus.jpg)

 No.165[Reply]

By all means, save it into a word document. These long posts are provoked by a natural response in you to something, and the ideas that flow from you are, as is understandable, pure and natural. You are not sitting down and putting forward something contrived, you are not pulling intellectual straws in order to find some motivation to write something: it is precisely when you are goaded into writing a long post you are conscious of the fact that there is a character limit. You therefore have to restrict the grandeur of your reply, and you have to summarize a horde of thoughts into three or so paragraphs that fit this character limit. You have perhaps even become quite skilled at doing this: you have found yourself able to write stirring posts, utilizing just the correct image, just the correct formatting, with just the right message, and you have been quite pleased with yourself, having received positive replies from people who have enjoyed it.

But you are actually castrating yourself in a way that is destructive. Consider not abandoning the post after submitting it on one of the boards, but instead save it into a word document and, girded by your natural fervor to respond to whatever had provoked you, turn this post into an essay, a treatise, even a story.

So many of you actually do have very much to write about and say. It is not this that is troublesome, but it is solely unlocking your potential. Your potential must be unlocked through nature: trying to force a story when you have not been naturally inspired will lead to a decidedly unnatural tale that will likely be stilted and not live up to what you know you are capable of.

I propose therefore that you utilize your posts here as inspiration. You have no doubt become quite good at writing posts on the internet, and I am suggesting that you can turn these into longer works.
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 No.166

Many times I've found myself thinking exactly that.

Sticky plox
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 No.171

Stickied. PDF exists for a reason, so make use of it anons.
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 No.173

Great idea.
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 No.218

I did exactly that. I started writing a response to someone on /christian/ and then that response became several pages long, and then that turned into philosophy friday that I hold there.

It really is because someone ask a question that is so thought provoking it just is pulled out of you.
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 No.245

>Word document
Maybe if you're a massive jew, otherwise a text file or a libreoffice writer document.
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File: 1426088197019.pdf (254.54 KB, The Hellenic Race.pdf)

 No.238[Reply]

I guess this must be kind of a weird entry to /pen/, since a)the vast majority of you guys probably don't care about this subject, and b)it's not really an original work.

This is my unofficial translation of an official article on the racial purity of modern Greeks, written by a member of Golden Dawn and published on their newspaper and website. While they often publish lovely articles, I found this one is particular to be most interesting, not only for Greeks, but also for foreigners who question said purity using unintelligent "evidence".

It's my first try at translating anything. I didn't bother too much with edits, and so, normally, there should be a few grammatical errors in the text.


On a relevant note, I was thinking of translating this book that pretty much is Golden Dawn's "manifesto", written in 1997. Would you like to read something like that?


I'm sorry if this entry is not exactly /pen/ material.
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 No.240

It's ok we'll take all literature.and this could be cool.it is Greek to me so thanks for translating it.
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 No.243

File: 1426162708508.jpg (123.51 KB, 500x333, 500:333, hhhehehe.jpg)

>>240
You're welcome.
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