/kind/ - Random Acts of Kindness

I'll share some of my naughtiest fantasies, friend

>>30930

I feel the same, friend.

>>30925

What happened to your soon to be wife? How uncomfortable at first was it to try to be a dom?

>>30955

It's a thread for any confession for anyone.

i feel like i'm a faliure in the making, in a lot of aspects

>too skinny for my age and height (53kgs at 21, 1.7m tall)

>lazy as hell

>depressed since early teens

>not good with maths, even tough i'm in my 3rd year of engineering in agriculture equipment and i'm supposed to be an engineer when i finish, degree and everything

>too scared to go outside and making a fool of myself, basically that guy that nobody knows about who only gets texts from friends like twice every year

>longest relationship i had was 1 month, in 2014. since, i had no gf, some attempts, but they ended in disasters

>possible drinking problem

do i get a rope now or keep hoping for at least another year friends

>23 years old and never had gf

>been improving myself last 5 years, but somehow it never feels enough

>am a serious goddamn weeb, and even though I've become attractive enough to have a gf, I have nothing in common with normalfriends

>limping through my CS major which I only picked up a couple of years ago because I realized my previous major was retarded

>freaking out about growing up and having a full time job and working in an office 8 hours a day and getting replaced by a pajeet

>just wish I had a shit load of money so I could buy land out in the middle of nowhere and live off the land with a qt weeb wife

>will probably be too old to learn the skills necessary to do this by the time I get enough money

>the urge to fight for my dreams is frequently diluted by chronic urge to be comfy

>>37390

You are still young, you can easily turn your life around! Don't give up yet!

I've been lurking chans (and used to read ED) since I was 11, and I only turned 18 this July.

I just want to thank you all for helping raise me. I would've been a really different person if it wasn't for chans.

You've taught me to be humble, and that respect comes not from your name or your position but from your actions. You taught me to think critically and out of the box, and to be kind to strangers. You probably even helped my find my sexuality

>>37402

>the urge to fight for my dreams is frequently diluted by chronic urge to be comfy

You're going to have to kick comfiness to the curb for a while if you really want to pursue your dreams, guy. If you know what it is that you want it can be your driving force through all the work you'll put in. I'm 26, 27 next month and I've been working towards my dream for a few years now and it's going to be another year or so before my plan comes to fruition. I'm working full time, helping with a family business and studying privately and before all of this I was an unambitious and depressed NEET who didn't have a purpose, so I decided to give myself one. I'm frequently tired, I'm a little scared of the future and, I'm not going to lie, I sometimes feel like giving up. But then I remind myself why I'm working as hard as I am and I can myself keep going. And it's never too late fella, so don't stress about that part.

I've been letting the organization I work for bully me into forgetting my dreams and tolerating evil. Ambitious and virtuous workers are crushed, and the policies literally kills people.

I'm thinking of doing what I gotta do to get out of this situation. One of those actions being to put on the soul-sucking "ideal employee" mask until I get a different job.

I love the look of crying anime girls, they're just so cute. I get a giant grin on my face when I see them.

>>37506

no bully best girl

>>37511

No. In all honesty she is definitely my favorite and doesn't get enough love.

>>37513

Would people be mad if I copy-pasted a bunch of bitching from my blog no one reads?

>>37407

>You taught me to think critically and out of the box

Any critical-thinking tutors still around? I could use some help with that too.

>>37826

Question everything, especially your long held beliefs or values.

Don't take certain talking points for granted. Was colonialism bad? Probably true. But how was it good? Were coloured folk simply victims of the white man or were they more victims of themselves; victim to their lack of unity and deep rooted divisions?

Imagine yourself as other people and try to see their arguments or points of view. Almost all people have valid concerns or points of view. But depending on one's value structure, some concerns are more valid than others.

Most people will cling to their point of view. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's an ego thing or maybe it's a lack of imagination.

I keep saving Hex Maniac pictures, physically she is unbelievably attractive to me, I'm going to fill up my computer with Hex Maniac images and the only thing stopping me from doing so would be the supply of said. This is getting out of hand, how do I stop?

>>37941

don't stop, everybody's got a waifu folder. it's a completely normal thing, if hex maniac is what makes you happy there is nothing wrong with saving pictures of her

I want to die

>>37506

My favorite are girls who didn't deserve their unkind fates turning them into hardy & cold people but are sweet or want to find happiness deep down.

>>37950

Thanks, I suppose. I do appreciate the advice. In all honesty I'm not sure why it's bothering me. It's not like I'm in a committed relationship with any person or have a waifu so I probably shouldn't be feeling upset. The problem isn't solved but you did get me asking myself why the problem is even a problem in the first place so it's something. Thank you. Cute Hexy btw, saved.

>>37969

I knew somebody would tell me "just get a gf". If it was that easy for me I would but it's not. I'm not entirely sure it would be like the real thing anyway unless she was wearing a cosplay almost all the time. And aren't those the kind of women you're supposed to at least be cautious about if not avoid? Thank you for your advice anyway.

I'm nervous about going back to college, I left shortly after starting because of my hazing and other problems and spent three years in therapy and taking meds, now I got accepted in a different one and I'm afraid it will happen again.

>>37979

I would like to help you find a girl but the truth is you need to be decent looking at the very least, and that's 50% of the effort.

Going to the gym is your best ally, and dieting too.

Try to eat less bread and pasta and more veggies and fruit. Meat or fish 3 or four times a week. Don't abuse potatoes, legumes, dry nuts, or oil. Cut most if not all sources of sugar (you are allowed some cookies or a brioche in the morning, or jam) and absolutely no Mayo, soda and beer. Alcohol is not great either and should be removed.

If that's taken care of I can help further.

>>37984

I'm not him but what do if I'm vegetarian?

I don't really know what to do, it all feels worthless in a way. I'm at the point where everything I do is wasted as it's something I don't want to do or it won't get me to something I would like to do and then on the other hand everything I don't do is wasted as I wanted to do it in the first place. Sure I got a few friends, but I'm honestly just bothering them at this point so I try to limit my activity with them now. And there's like one thing that I'd really like to do, but it's so far fetched that there's no reason to even try besides the fact the thought on trying to achieve that keeps me from dying.

Like fucking hell there seems only to be rocks on the left, hard places on the right, a ceiling above me, and the ground beneath me. I just wish it was 3D

>>37988

>what do you do if you're vegetarian

Ask /fit/ :^)

Actually they would just assume you want to build mass and tell you to buy protein powder which doesn't really matter if all you're trying is to lose weight.

I wouldn't know anon, I'm not qualified enough to answer I think.

>>37989

>anything wrong with avocadoes

The price on them haha

Just don't abuse em and mix it up, don't just eat them 5 times a week.

>>37998

You're naive and adorable, why are you even know Chan in the first place? :3

I deleted my Hex Maniac folder, that was 378 pictures, along with one that I also had on my phone. Deleting it was hard though. I don't feel any happier or anything, and I feel like even /kind/ will get on my case for this, but it's over now and maybe that's a good thing.

>tfw security guard

>tfw i don't care that i'm a security guard, but i do my job as best i can

>tfw just want people to be happy and comfortable around me so i dont need to worry about getting fired for being a creepy goon

>tfw started to genuinely give a shit about the people i'm around

>tfw baked cookies for a group from a hotel

>tfw because im always told not to trust anybody, i will never know if they enjoyed them

>tfw get posted at an apartment building that houses old people

>tfw the building is a hundred years old

>tfw all the smells of lamb, saurkraut, incense and everything else on every floor

>tfw the memories from those smells

>tfw all the walking memories

>tfw all the memories in stone

>tfw all i feel is the need to hit something but i cant

I keep having harem fantasies with all my friends. For the longest time I've tried to deny it but I've realized now I don't even want a girlfriend. I enjoy friendship so much and just want to impregnate them all before some other stupid idiot does.

>>38233

If I had cute bois as friends I would murder them with my dick.

After years, I finally gave in. Starting this morning, I am now taking Zoloft, after a few months of taking Tegretol which worked but not enough to remove the bad feels but just enough to dull the ache somewhat. Fingers crossed this eventually helps tip the bad/good feels scale enough so I don't hate myself and everyone else all the time anymore.

>>38404

Pics related: what's inside my head about 10% the time.

>>38405

…and about 80% the time… (so less edgy and more the opposite)

>intend to use vacation to slowly switch sleep schedule from swing shift to graves by each day going to bed a few hours earlier and getting up a few hours earlier

<carpe noctem

<and my job's swing is stressful as hell and I'm too pussy to take it anymore

>today was the day for going to bed 8p, get up 4:30a

>instead, wake up ~10p

>can't go back to sleep

>slowly but surely, Emi's face becomes my face

>eventually give up and drag ass out of bed, drink cawfee (from thermos on night stand I was I was saving for 4:30a)

>Postal Dude's voice becomes my voice: ""I'm feeling a little psychotic this morning"

>calm down after channeling rage online for over an hour so I don't rage offline and subsequently get evicted by stomping and swearing about when my neighbors are trying to sleep

<new game plan: go to bed ~11a and try to get up ~8p as I wasn't intending to do until Friday, then try my best to stick to this from now on

>>38444

How come?

>hanging out with two online friends

>one leaves, saying he's gonna do his own thing

>some minutes pass

>other leaves, saying he's gonna talk with someone

>some minutes pass

>ask second guy if he'd like to do something until first guy comes back

>he gets real roundabout

>eventually says they're both doing something together

This hit me hard, especially since they're both people I care deeply about

I strongly feel the need to talk with someone

>>38450

I suddenly felt like giving you a virtual pat on the head

*pats*

<repost from another ded bord

Trying to /fit/izen with my monstrous appetite, especially on a cut, is a massive pain. Have to be very careful to not rush straight to the daily 2500 calorie limit, which is easy as shit to do if I'm not having multiple pounds of very-low-calorie veggies with every birdseed amount of protein/fat so my stomach isn't begging for more. Have to plan ahead if I want to cook up a real meal or go out to eat so I can graze on greens the rest of the day or two. Pic related: this is a ~400 calorie snack for me. I really need to enter an eating competition or something.

>>38533

>I'm gonna put in my resignation next week Monday.

Storytime? Or is it too sad a tale…

Every few weeks I'd dream that I'm deep throating my own dick. The first time I dreamed it, I thought it might be something non-sexual in a symbolic way; like perhaps I am getting more in touch with / developing my masculine side since I've ignored it for so long. (Bad parenting combined with poor value structure which emphasized importance on intelligence and knowledge while ignoring looking after one's health and physical body.) But I've had the self suck dick dream maybe 3 or 4 times now. In the dream its the most awesome thing ever. I like girls, I'm not gay. What does this dream mean /kind/?

WASTE OF TIME!! Trying to audio-edit, don't know what happened but it messed up, and for some reason won't let me re-open supposedly saved file to fix.

So picture this: you're having sex, but when you're close to orgasm your partner stops and gets up, towels off and gets dressed, then hurries out – and you're sitting and staring at the door all quiet and confused. That's sort of what just happened to me.

i want to type something here, pour everything out, but there is something preventing me from doing so

>>38684

Do it anon!

Unless you think it might make you sad

Im scared because the only reason I haven't killed myself is because of my oneitis who I think might be interested in me but I feel like I don't deserve her as I am a bad influence but a good person.

>>38706

>Im scared

>I haven't killed myself

>my oneitis

>I think

>interested in me

>I feel like I don't

>I am a bad influence but a good person

Who?

>>38925

You n me both brudder.

Depression is a major financial drain, one way AND another!

Long story short: to avoid getting obese again, I must* tack on at least $80/mo on JUST lettuce** doused in combos of stevia, vinegar, salsa, even chocolate and peanut butter powder. It's either <200 calories of 2-3 heads of lettuce at a time, or >4000 calories of ice cream, Chinese takeout, or even unhealthy amounts of healthy foodstuffs like peanut butter oatmeal with flax! (Which I tried as a cheaper alternative but it didn't work.)

* Bouts of major depression erode my ability to say no to belly-bursting food-fests to "fill the void".

** It's just under 80 calories (and about $0.75-1.00) per pound! Expensive but still nowhere near as much as $50 in ONE pizza delivery or restaurant feast. Wish I could be satisfied with a small (for me) 400 calorie bowl of oats with blueberries.

I have some heavy psychological issues, but for the past several months(~February) I've been using writing as an outlet. Almost something like escapism, at times.

Despite this, I still ended up relapsing into anorexia. I can't seem to bring myself to eat my maintenance. For a few days at a time I'll get as high as 1200-1500 but most often than not I'm 1000 or lower. 600 is pretty typical of me since April. I'm spending a minimum of 90 minutes exercising each day.

But I feel like I'm in a good place with that at this moment.

My abusive father is dying(yay!). It feels like I'm the only one in the family that doesn't care. He fucks toddlers and has always been a horrible drunk, I cannot actually fathom why my siblings feel any obligation to care.

He looks like he aged 20 years in the past 3, liver failure and all is really doing a number on him. My mother sent me pics, that's how I know. (they aren't married anymore, though, obviously)

He has been absolute scum forever, a scornful and vindictive person that will bring everyone down with him if he can manage it. The list of his misdeeds goes on. Why does everyone suddenly feel so solemn and respectful now that he's en route to die painfully? "He's still your father" Christ, that should not matter. Who he is as a person is far and away more important than genetics.

Trying to pay rent, manage responsibilities, deal with family, etc., has ramped up more as time goes on. I'm getting less time to write. I tried to compensate this with completely replacing meals with strong coffee and writing late into the night. The people in this text game's forum really like what I make. It feels so nice. This sleepless over-working isn't sustainable, I know that. I'm just pushing to rush things out before I go on hiatus. Once officially on hiatus, I'll just write bits and pieces and, hopefully, have a bunch saved up to post when my schedule clears up more.

I keep all of this personal as best I can. As much as i'd like to have my "fans" all chime in with words of care and support, that is really not an appropriate place to be spilling out my stress. It's all built up. It feels kind of relieving to vent here, though.

inb4/lolfailbook-normalfriend-kys yeah I'm not such a very good mega-sperg anymore (from robot NEET to cyborg wageslave and I really can't decide which lifestyle I hate more) so go cry into you're waifu pillow over it like a fashionable mainstream-h8r why dontcha Every single time I TRY to change habits, follow advice, engage in SOME sort of personal self-improvement project whether learning a new language or bodybuilding or Buddhism or even just cleaning up, KA-FRIGGA-BOOM an Attack happens (whether too happy or too angry or both somehow) and tornado-wrecks the house of cards I just started to stack. shakes head But I gotta get ready for the job I absolutely hate, so I can spend 80% of what I make on a home that only I live in, all that hard work with nothing and nobody to come home to but a mess and my computer into which to escape.

So imagine this. You’re in a small boat, with only a fishing rod, on a dark, murky lake as far as you can see in all directions. You’ve been on this lake your entire life, and to escape the lake (you have no paddle or anything) you just know you have to catch some really good fish. Except most the time you cast your reel you get nothing, and almost every time you DO catch something it’s a boot.

This analogy brought to you by Anon once again trying to explain his behavior. Specifically — especially when Anon gets in a dark mood — Anon’s propensity to start thrusting his open hand out in any and every direction, hoping for help for one thing or another.

Every time I drag myself from a glowing rectangle, The Bad Thoughts(tm) return. They're always lurking even if I'm "happy".

I used to have fun, but now I almost never enjoy anything anymore. Out of all I used to derive joy, meaning, and/or accomplishment from, what’s left is the difference between a fingernail’s worth of dirt versus all the earth on planet Earth. And what is left on that fingernail, those things and events which for over a decade lit my world ablaze with passion and satisfaction, all now akin to a fading candle in a vast pitch-black chamber lacking reflection and echo.

The process was so gradual I barely noticed these things falling away from me over the years until I woke up one morning in the realization of, “Hey, even devouring great food and discovering an awesome new band nowadays elicits at best, ‘Oh hey, cool, I.. guess…'”

Hell, in a similar sense I barely feel pain anymore either. I can’t think of a moment in the past several years where I wasn’t feeling it, one way or another. It’s to the point that an ambiance of ache — physical, mental, emotional, or in most cases all the above — has become *spits* normal.

WELCOME TO ADULTHOOD?!

—

By the way…

My reluctance to drag myself away from glowing rectangles for over half a decade in pure NEET heaven-hell, is I knew deep in my gut THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT WOULD HAPPEN!! >>38924

Feeling "slow" today (ie, even if I'm not actually sad - emotionally I'm a bit less than fine or okay - the depression is physically impairing my ability to move my limbs and I can barely concentrate my thoughts), but I was trying to push through it to get ready for work, THEN I remembered I'm in the kitchen today. Bad place to be stuck at turtle pace even if I feel a bit more like a rabbit in my head (thanks, enegy drink left on nightstand plus another about an hour later!).

I feel bad for abandoning my teammates on a Saturday (sorry guys) but something tells me I'd just be a hindrance in everyone's way… Damn, this religion thing is making me consider the others around me! How very different!

Thanks to probably those energy drinks and shutting off my 'puter, though, I (gasp) feel like doing housework! Why waste that rare energy flipping burgers for 7 hours!?

Too bad I'm losing about $100 but oh well, "sanity tax" I suppose. Man, I might as well get a slightly less stressful job at [place nearby] or somewhere if I'm gonna piss away that extra $15/hr vs $12 on calling off 1-2 days every month or two just to cool off and depressurize anyway…

I'm a fucking idiot. Used my "major depression" FMLA to call off again today, I'm like $1500 in CC debt, and what did I do yesterday while all alone all day?

Almost a half-pint (~5 shots) of Smirnoff (no mixers) and 4 subs from Jimmy John's ($40 delivery). In that order.

How shall Anon continue his downward spiral of self-destruction today? Place your bets!!

(Bright side: dropping hundreds of dollars and gaining dozens of pounds overeating comfort food is PROBABLY less bad for me than, I dunno, cutting myself or some other more blatant "I do this to make the hurting stop so I don't kill myself" vicious cycle of self-destructive behavior…)

>>38995

I felt like that a while ago anon, i know it can be pretty bad to have nothing going on for you, while life just keeps on it's pressure the same.

Through life, i've consumed a lot of media, interactive or otherwise, but slowly i became jaded and started to kind of tune out overall. With the cliches settling in i became, honestly, angry towards media. "Why have the protag do this?, Why have the story develope that way?, Why not have x,z,y aa an option to choose?" It could be totally more interesting in this way." and similiar thoughts kept popping up in my mind. Through a way or another, i ended up playing a dnd game as a player with some foreigner people online and i gave DMing a go, and honestly, even now thoughts like "damn this is too much of a hassle to do, i could just make up some excuse to pass this week" keep propping up in my head even now, but i've noticed that i act less and less on it. I'm kind of secretly grateful for that encounter.

Ever since i was a child, i kind of never found anything overtly fun or engaging.

Even now, when people catch me writing stuff, drawing, or making music for my campaigns, they alsways ask me "Do you like (the activity)?" and to this day i honestly can't answer either with a yes or no. To me these activities just are i guess. Asking someone if they, for instance like to draw has certain connotations that i just don't know where i fall. Or things like "why do you play video games/perfom any othe ractivity?" i can't help but just stay silent. I don't feel passion or excitement by doing it, and telling someone i do would just cheapen their efforts. But still i do it anyway. It doesn't feel exciting. i don't aim high or anywhere with it in fact. I don't feel like that's an actual part of me as a person. But i do it anyway.

I've read a manga once and it's (arguable) ending really left an impression on me.

http://mangakakalot.com/chapter/freesia/chapter_82

I recommend reading it, through if you don't read the manga first it's probably goin to cheapen the effect.

Anyway, the idea that the protagonist was forced to accept his reality as fiction (as it truly is), and abuse the fact to escape certain death, and the fact that he competely accepts the idea is extremely facinating. The idea that Fiction becomes reality just because you read/experience it and is therefore percieved in the real world and leaves it's mark on it is interesting. It highlights the importance of having someone percieve or receive it in the first place. Cultivating your own self to let fiction become "real".

This method of thinking, simply put overtook my mind, so now, things like writing, drawing, just making things in general is me creating, expressing and "realizing" the universe i'm building. They are tools to an end. Towards a goal. I've found that this way, it's becoming more approachable. Who cares if i'm bad at it, whatever it may be? Even a doodle, a simple beat or a simple description is me pulling this imaginary world more and more into my own reality. This idea is just pushing me to my creative limits, and i feel like i, as a person, am just taken for the ride. Like the universe inside is just using me to express itself. It's amazing, but there is just no tangible way to communicate this to others. Not at it's true depth.

Anyway, i'm sorry for ramblimg so much. What i want to say is that while it works for me and may not for you, try to think about it the other way around. It might be all utterly pointless overall, but you aren't supposed to solve the worlds problems. You are just you. I know it may be hard, but it's useless to worry about things that you can't influence. Worry about tjings you can, and try to realize your own power of perception. Just think about it. How incredible is that you were born into this world at this specific time and at that specific place and just generally lead a good enough life to have access to these pieces of media that may very well be forgotten without you experiencing them and taking them into your own self. The beauty of this extremely chance based encounter between you and that piece of media produced by someone else. While someone else mqy have made it, you are the one to teuly give it life by observing it.

Last night, at work , I was in such a foul mood that in minutes my – I don't know what to call it, maybe "in-the-background, self-making thoughts" (ie, I don't think them, they think themselves, just kind of appearing in my head on their own, I don't really know how to explain it) – came up with a nearly fully-formed plan for suicide. It took minutes, but then my "intentional in-control thoughts" spent roughly the next 2-3 hours working with the plan like a potter works with clay or one re-writes second/third/fifth drafts to hammer out the details. I've done suicide-ideation many times but this time it was so real, I was so convinced that this was it, I'm done for by my own hand. But I don't feel that way anymore. But who knows if the next time I'm 'triggered' (oh fuck, THAT word) by even a relatively minor shitty event won't be the straw that breaks this camel's back. Especially now that I know exactly what I will do, step-by-step. (By the way it's nothing special nor interesting which is one reason why I didn't bother typing it up. Another is I don't want to dwell on this any more than I already have, and I have to get ready for work and maybe do dishes; just wanted to get the tip-o-the-berg off my chest anonymously as I'm not stupid enough to tell ANYONE I know! I'd just get locked in a loony-bin for about a week or two, get saddled with an >$800 ambulance bill, and lose my job by being pointed-out for not being at work for about a week or two – take a guess what's ONE major source of stress and depression.)

>>39056

No, food industry & customer service.

>>39048

Thank you for "rambling so much"! I barely know what to say in response except to nod sagely and think about what you said for some time. Also to post this as your third paragraph made me remember this related page:

http://theoatmeal.com/comics/unhappy

>lose a bunch of weight

>happyhappyjoyjoy.mpeg

>drop all my size-42 shorts at Goodwill, pick up a bunch of 34's and 36's just because they now fit

>same with shirts: for years wore 2XL, but could fit XL and shockingly enough a handful of L (and them to be loose and comfy! I could squish myself into a few M but…) which I never even imagined was possible in my adult life

>however, shortly afterwards, I discovered no matter how long and hard I kept to a strict diet, I still had a jelly-belly and thunder-thighs even at single-digit body-fat percentage

>a bunch of other factors, but this was THE trigger for my clinical major depression growl-yelling "ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL"

>within weeks, gain all the weight back and more (so many hundreds sunk on pizza and Chinese and Mexican and cake and ice cream…)

>now most of my new shorts and shorts (wasted money) don't fit, and I already got rid of all the old ones that were tents on me

>would rather NOT buy a bunch of new ones AGAIN, but…

> try so hard to do the normalfriend thing and maintain healthy lifestyle

> finally snap into a good rhythm again, despite raging insomnia

> study performance goes up as sleeplessness goes down

> egotistical fucktard comes into my building half past midnight

> completely ruins my schedule with a few swift, noisy slams across the staircase

> have to painstakingly build up the process all over again

just why. never catch a break. never catch a break. just why

>>39137

It's not even that people are mean. Ever since I crawled out of the dark pit that was my previous life and headed back into society for help I was surprised and grateful for how open and welcoming the world around me still was. People don't seem purposely insidious, more that they just seem to be so god damn oblivious to the effect of their own actions. But fuck then again I used to be a stain on the people around me as well sometimes I wonder if I just deserve more abuse until I've paid my dues.

Bah now it just sounds like I'm getting way too worked up just over losing some sleep. But it's just one of those drop in a bucket kind of things when compared to all the other shit my brain constantly tortures me with. I couldn't even imagine what it would be like to have to live in a family setting like that right about now

Anyone else stuck in this cycle their whole lives?

<1) Seek and indulge sensory pleasures for their own sake.

>2) Get bored, get used to them, can only fill stomach so much, brain hurting from all those useless factoids, etc.

♥) All that purposeless dopamine overdosing generates more powerful "heat in the brain" and/or you're once more faced with "the void within" or whatever you wanna call it.

>4) Seek greater and/or different pleasant sensations to make the hurting/numbness stop. (Even if it's not really.)

<5) R E P E A T

>>39145

Did not mean to make < 3 turn into a heart. Didn't even know that did such.

Crossposting scumbag represent.

>>39158

I feel bad for the cat but i can't stop laughing.

I think my boss is either going senile or has something out for me.

Me made me recheck the days closings 2 times last week, which wouldn't be a problem, but he said that there's a loss somewhere and demanded to know where it went (it wasn't even a big loss, like 10 bucks total) but i rechecked it and there was literally no loss at all. He probably didn't pay attention when he entered what was sold into the excel he has.

This wasn't the only case either. He searched two things on me that was "missing" that i've clearly written down in the daily list (i need to write down what i sell) two days before. While not outright accusing me i was treated like a thief which kind of hurt.

>>39318

Seven days and no replies. I'm sorry to see that friend.

I understand how you feel, I've worked in customer service for a long time too, so I understand how it goes with females. But take a step back, and listen in to some of the customers. They don't lose their temper because they are afraid a lot of the time. They're going to get terrible service from them from that point on, and they're going to look like the bad person. Questions like "who will the management believe", and "Is this really worth it" are asked often. If you're a big guy they will feel threatened, if you're not so big they'll call you unpleasant names behind your back.

My advice would be to try to ignore it. I know it's hard to do, and I'm probably the biggest hypocrite for saying it. But it does work after a while, just enough to help you get through the day. Try spicing your greetings up! It's awkward at first, you'll end up tripping over yourself as you redo your speeches, but it will make customers like you better. While it is what you are trained to do, customers will like you better if you personalize your interactions a bit more.

"Hi, welcome to Tim Hortons. How may I help you? Is that all for today? Drive on up."

"Hi there. What can I get started for you? Anything else today boss? Sounds good, come on up".

And if it's someone you see often, try asking what their name is, ask how their day is going, etc. Just some suggestions.

>>39332

>Seven days and no replies. I'm sorry to see that friend.

All's good, friend. It's a slow board, so sasuga /kind/ .

>But take a step back, and listen in to some of the customers.

>My advice would be to try to ignore it.

>Try spicing your greetings up!

>customers will like you better if you personalize your interactions a bit more.

>Just some suggestions.

Sound and wise suggestions and assuagements, good sir! I definitely need to git gud at spontaneity; difficult when I'm tired and/or my 'tism is "spiking", but that's what cawfee is for.

>Have the bipolars

>Too much hair-trigger temper and/or cry-and-cry-mode to get anything accomplished

<Put on strong mood-stabilizer before I get arrested and/or terminate myself

>Much less temper and crybabbyness

>But now zombie-mode: so lethargic and fuzzy-brained (like I just woke up) that I can't get anything accomplished without overdosing on caffeine

>and risk triggering a tantrum despite the meds followed by a heavy depression crash, if I don't just caffeine crash into even heavier zombie-mode

>>39389

bet no one will catch both song references

That's TWICE now my psychiatrist can't see me: just finished a phone call from them, they can't keep the appointment scheduled for today to hopefully change drugs to something less zombifying. So I have a choice: call off work tomorrow (ie lose ~$100 with fingers crossed FMLA accepts it so I don't get pointed 'til I'm next-door to being fired) with fingers crossed that they won't cancel THAT appointment, too. Or, wait until next Monday and fingers crossed that stopping my mood stabilizer (upon doctor's orders; I pulled the dreaded S-Card) won't turn me into an easily-triggered ball of rage for most of a work week until then – and fingers crossed they don't skip out on me for a third time.

>>39452

hang in there guy

>>39453

And I got in today! …the new prescription costs five times as much as any other, as there are no off-brand versions. I really hope it's worth it.

I lost so much when I lost all faith in the /fit/-lyfe that I suffered through for so many years. One of them being Cold Resistance. It's ~50F plus rainy and I am absolutely dreading the upcoming bike rides today, tonight, and the rest of this week. I don't know how I'm going to survive winter.

Just had to call off work thanks to this stuff causing bad back pain instead of numbing it like it was for roughly the past week when I started. Probably wasn't wise to administer painkillers for >700-lb farm animals as a hunan bean. I was enjoying the total numbness, too…

Probably for the best, as I just dropped a horse-sized dump which otherwise I would've had to do at work with wood-chips TP and no wet wipes.

Sometimes I feel like I'm a NPC.

>>39497

Thanks, anon. I needed that.

>>39500

True, some friends may have had things trust upon them.

To be honest i feel something similar though in another direction. I kind of want a broken friend for me to stick to. Not some kind of saviour story, but just hanging onto eachother for dear life, burning bright before extinguishing together. Someone i could look to and know we are both really fucked up but alright with that fact, and accept eachother as ultimately broken human beings. Of course this will never become true irl because i'm risk aversive.

Pic spoilered for implied gore.

>>39511

Also spoilered because of abuse.

A combination of both i guess, and more.

This may sound /unkind/ and/or depressive but here we go.

Ultimately it's hard to put into words, but there are some aspects i could talk about. Like me just spending life waiting for a chance/reason to go crazy, and the fact that i'm essentially living a half hearted lie on all fronts of my personal life. I in all honestly would feel nothing for my family if they were to be killed, but i honestly would grab at the chance to finally completely unhinge myself. I'm not talking about going on a rampage or bombing something, but just fucking off from the life i'm currently living. A reason to finally stop the play pretend caring people expect of you in life. I feel something genuinely twisted and alien about myself, and other people quickly seem to pick it up as well. I've a few friends, but all seem to be going down an irreversible roads of their own (not necessary towards the same path as me), but none are as deep in it as me.

Sometimes i genuinely feel my mind dying/slipping/just going away. I partly blame my family, and their way of living/what they put me through, but even then it seems to me that not alot of people share my mindstate at all among "unbroken" people, plus i seem to be able to emphatize more with people who's lifes go awry one way or another. Religion aside, I found more in common with a "satanist" guy that i came in contact with online than any people in my personal life, and it wasn't even about his beliefs or charisma but just us sharing our conditions between one other.

all in all, i dunno. The idea to go mad together with someone is appealing to me. Maybe finally i would be able to truly act how i wish i could if i didn't need to dance like a puppet for everyone to please their selfish desires, and get literally nothing in return, while they act like that's the most natural thing to do while they cannot even take a small inconvinience for me and not immedietly rub it into my face and act all high and mighty.

Call me a "deviant" or" degenerate", but at this point, thinking about "salvation" or stuff like that feels like a cheap excuses your boss gives you about how enough is not enough and more than enough is just barely scrapping the line of okay and how you should do better because you have an "opportunity to learn" and stuff like that. You immedietly know what they are peddling. They just want you to do more not because it's needed but because they want you to. So at this point the only way i see forward is find someone hurt and broken and go out together with a bang ( not necessarily suicide).

As for the picture, the artist makes more "fudged" up stuff also, though you'll probably dislike it. I don't really like the sexual/guro stuff, but the abused ones are relevant, because they give me the previously described feelings.

I wish /v/ and /pol/ never existed, they fucking killed image boards single handly forever. Brought on board normies and other annoying plebs in, before 2011 4chan was way more fun and enjoyable in pretty much every aspect. Everything their is so fucking cynical and unfunny now. 2014, the year of gamergate was the real last nail in the coffin, it made the already dwindling state and accelerated it 7 fold and opened the flood gates for leddiors. It's pretty much filled with Tumblerinas, Ledditors, Normies and all sorts of other fun stoppers.

I've been on 4chan since 2006 ( I was 7 at the time.) and now I'm nearly 20 years old, maybe I'm just too old for this stuff anymore, anyways at least all this personal boredom recently lead to me starting to pursue my dream of being a decent artist and learning how to draw and paint.

I'm very, very lonely but I've never connected with anyone in my life. It's me. I know it's me. All this time it's been me. I can't change that.

Now that I'm old I finally know what true fear is.

>>39563

Sorry to hear about that. I'm in kind of a similar boat that makes it hard for me to make real-life friends.

Just like the rest of you, I'm really lonely; we're on going through it, so I doubt I have any need to explain it.

I have horrible voices in my head telling and showing me horrible things all the time the past year. It's almost become like OCD. Idk what to lads. I don't know if I can live with this for much longer. It's really fucked up my life.

I'm not trying to LARP, nor attention seek.

>>39572

Have you already tried seeing a shrink? Antischizo drugs aren't exactly fun I speak from experience but if you're really having trouble then it may be worth it.

>>39573

No I haven't, I fear that being on medication might make it worse. But then again I am a brainlet.

Im lonely and people seem to like me enough to try and make connections but i'm too scared to so I just post in 2 year old threads hoping it'll make me feel better. it probably wont

Never having learned any solid social skills bars me from doing so much, it's eating me from the inside

I don't think I'll ever have a close friend anymore ever. Been trying, I felt close to some people, really close and intimate but it was all lies and they became overly toxic/possessive with time. Took me a good while to remove them from my life and I'm still thinking about them…

And some 'friends' don't even pretend to care and I'm always the one reaching out and putting all the effort but got tired of that too.

And now I'm afraid to talk to the few people who show interest because I'm afraid they might turn out to be like that too.

Yet I feel like I really need a friend with similar interests who I could talk to about anything without being judged, play games and get cozy with.

The people I spent time with were really promising but it all went bad at some point. I feel like I got a taste of something great I never had but even that wasn't real.

It feels so hard now, very hard. I'm afraid everyone is like that. The people I put my faith in were the worst ones.

>>39600

>friend I could talk to about anything without being judged

That's not possible the way you want it to be, i'm afraid. Everyone holds their own beliefs in life, which not many are eager to change. You won't really find someone like that, who 'just' listens. While i won't argue with people you met, since i don't know them, most friendships will eventually faze out or be brought to an end by a certain event. You'll have to live with that, which is a bummer, but that's the way it is.

The idea of such relationship is an overtly romanticized idea by default. I kind of blame media for putting this inside other's head.

Not to say that it never happens in the great wide world, but it's rarer than a good night's rest after 70. It may sound as a downer attitude, but as long as both you and the other person knows what they want out of the friendship and stick to that, it should last a while, and if it ends, then oh well, it was fun while it lasted. Don't think and/or beat yourself up over that you are on the edge of some grand amazing experience like finding a soulmate for life, or missing out on such a thing because everyone else does as well.

Then there's the idea that even if everything goes 'right', things can still go wrong by origins outside your control. Trying to control life itself is like pulling rope against 10 strongmen while the rope's end you are holding is covered in vaseline.

That's life i guess. You just move onto greater and more greener pastures as needed. Upside is that you don't have to blame yourself for it, since it's most likely not your fault.

>>39468

What made you abandon the fit-lyfe? I used to be kinda fit before I injured my arm. I need to get back on it, but i don't have health insurance and cant risk further injuring my arm. Jumping through hoops to get it is tough when you don't want to do anything. (Ironically the fit-lyfe I'm allowing myself to be barred from would give me a lot more energy.) The neet cave isnt an option anymore and it was a shitty option anyways. I've made this about me. I'm sorry. I do really want to hear your story though, if only to hear relatable feels.

>>39607

Please don't give up. Is there any way your back will heal, even if not fully? Swimming is a good alternative to the regular gym if necessary. Also im sure you know there are surgeries to remove the excess skin after weight loss. I know personally how discouraging an injury can be, but please don't give up forever. The you that you envision may be a year or 2 or 3 away and thats a long fucking time when circumstances are doing their best to keep you from maintaining, but this is the rest of your life you're talking about. Fuck man. Here's an extra ugly image from the heart.

>>39563

>All this time it's been me. I can't change that.

A person can change, anon! One step at a time. Maybe start by connecting with some people online, talking to them over voice, get a job and talk to people there, go to meetups.

We're all a little lonely. But we can do our best to connect. The only real obstacle you have is defeatism and over-cautiousness!

>Feel like meeting new people

>See thread where people post contact info

>Suddenly feeling unmotivated about it

>Ended up not adding anyone nor posting contact info while still wanting to talk to someone

Dumb brain dumb brain!

I hate being "cockblocked". When I feel I'm getting somewhere someone just swoops in and takes my place. So annoying.

I want to be a complete and utter thot, I want to literally make money being the object of peoples desire and fantasies, but im also afraid of doing that, and im afraid of discovering what part of my psych wants to be sexually loved in such a way.

I have all the emotional love I need, but my desire for physical desire towards myself just seems limitless but I also have cold feet.

My mind is constantly in flux between embarrassment and fear of failure to wanting to embrace it and seeing how far I can go.

>>39653

You're a good guy anon, also you're cool.

>>39653

The fact that you're still standing on this Earth shows a great deal of worth anon. Not every person can go through abusive parent(s) and know that they have worth. Forgive me if it seems too psych bs, but it feels like you're seeking affirmation for something you already know. Regardless of whether that's true or I'm talking out of my ass, the fact that you can open yourself up like this means a great deal more than you might think. Not everyone is strong enough to show weakness, ironic as that is to type.

You're a good person anon. I may be a random anon, but don't let anyone else make you think otherwise.

If you have the capability of moving, lightly being preferable, do it when you can. If you're afraid for your mother, talk with her. If she's complicit, venture onward toward your path.

Regardless on where your path goes, you've got someone rooting for you. Have some music from a friend.

>>39653

Hope you feel better. You matter.

Have been hopelessly chasing a person that I want back. Their feelings about me are mixed, and I know it may be a bad idea to pursue someone who's on and off about their love for me. It's just that I've never connected so well with anyone before, I'm scared to lose that. I do have hope that someone else might be able to fill that role again, but my severe social anxiety is going to make it much more difficult. Being alone for these past few months have shaken me up quite a bit.

On a lighter note, I adore /kind/! It's been therapeutic reading this thread and taking in all the wholesome cuteness and kindness here.

I might just stop interacting with people for good. Been like that for years, then i tried talking to people online, made "friends" and got into "relationships" just to be abused, every time i thought it will be different but i was mistaken, ignored my gut feelings and deluded myself. There must be something inherently wrong with me or people. I don't know what made me try in the first place, i was doing fine on my own. People are just not for me it seems.

>>39829

I can relate.

People can be hard and selfish.

It's easy to wish for isolation in that context.

Two things hold me personally back from fullfilling this wish.

First its giving up on people. From there, its just a small step to giving up on the outside world for me. Thats becomes dangerous quite quick and might end in negate the self.

Secondly, there must be something that turned me towards people, something that motivated me in the first place. At least I want to understand that Motivation.

So sadly, I can't promise you that things will be all right. But I can see your struggle and the effort to do your best. I can share the troubles and emotions you've gone through and want both to encourage you to go on and thank you for all the energy you already have invested.

I hope it helps.

>>39697

Good place to start friend. I think all self improvement starts off with coming to an understanding of what is wrong with ourselves. Now, all that's left to do is find something to fill your void. I believe in you.

I was permabanned from half /jp/ for posting that I wanted to molest loli Sanae in a Sanae thread (I maintain this is in line with board culture). When I appealed it was extended to the entire site. I later realized my appeal was pretty rude, though it didn't seem that way when it was streaming out my head. I understand I was wrong and I hate myself, but also am still filled with hatred for others. Like I pray for a data breach leaking real identities and of staff and them losing their jobs and getting harassed forever levels of bitterness.

Anyway, the only lessons I learn when I'm wrong are that I'm shit and should die, and that others are eager to slap me down. I feel like I ought to be malicious and cruel to others, but I'm so conflict averse I don't think I could.

Tonight I was leaving the supermarket and there was an old geezer on a motorized cart trying to get a lottery vending machine to take his crumpled bills and an empty cart of a customer checking out blocking my path. I was too conflict averse to move another shopper's cart, someone else got fed up with me waiting and walked past me and moved the cart. It was an agonizing reminder of how I am broken and others are whole.

On the one hand I feel like I am so submissive I can't stand up for myself, but also am so alpha I act like an asshole whenever I want. Both of these cannot be true. What is wrong with me? How can I be /kind/ without being submissive?

>>39896

I want to stop fapping but am unable to do so

>bomb a string of interviews recently

>too reserved and aloof by nature

It's time to change again I think - to remove any sense of reservation where not necessary!

To start: I plan to interact with more people and learn to connect with and help strangers new friends!

Tomorrow, the volunteer center!

I've been lied to about being loved again. I give up on love, on people. I think I'll just lurk forever like i have been before. Having any presence is just making me anxious. There were times i would not have even made a comment, no online games, no human interaction. Everything went to crap when i started to try to form relationships of any kind. I'll just be the faceless ghost i always felt i was.

>>39947

That's a strong statement friend.

Well, i assume you must have something cruel happen to you but you shouldn't think about it like that. If you do you'll just destroy yourself.

Relationships come and go but if you just give up you won't even have the opportunity to make it possible. I know how being abandoned can feel so first things first, you should seek some stability in your life. If you feel the need to talk with others we'll be always here for you. I think we can always share a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen to your problems.

Saying this can be useless i know but especially during times like this you should try your hardest to cheer up even if for only a second.

Here, maybe these will help. These never fail to make me laugh or feel pleasant. Hope it does to you as well.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=zZwO3x5jHJI

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ys6Y3eqc3cE

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UIGwSym2J-I

>>39951

You're right, I've been hurt real badly by people i trusted the most and it keeps getting worse each time it happens. I just want it to stop.

Every time i felt close to someone they just took advantage of me no matter how supportive, nice and affectionate they acted at first. I keep wanting to disappear because of people being that malevolent.

I really hope there are people out there who are deserving of my trust, friendship and love even though it feels impossible right now. I'm really glad this board (and you) exists because i have no one else i could talk to.

Been scared to post on imageboards before because of their general bad reputation and unkindness but this place might be what i need. I can share my worries and talk to people without becoming an individual with a name and a target on my back. I think this will be my home from now on.

Thank you for your reply, it really means a lot. I like the vids too. Trying my best to cheer up!

>>39952

Hey, I understand how you feel. Most people just can't be trusted, they always betray you when you trust them and sometimes they also have different expectations. It feels generally very hard to find someone who's someone you can be truly comfortable with. I'm sorry what happened to you. Usually male friends are not deeply empathetic and female friends are usually emotionally delusional. Male friends usually feel cold, you try to talk to them and say things, tell them how you feel and you get often a shallow response like "Yeah, nice." When I'm writing to them they don't write as much as I do or I feel they don't understand how I feel really. And female friends are usually even worse, they can be empathetic, but sometimes it's fake, they're good at convincing other people that it's "Yeah, I really like talking with you! I enjoy it!" at the end they're even lying to themselves and convincing them that they really felt this way or they're twisting it so much in their mind that it makes sense to them "He just did this, that's why I acted this way." And "this" can be anything, that's why it's hard finding a good male or female friend.

I liked your post, yeah this was my main motivation even responding to you. I secretly hoped maybe we can be friends, I had this idea in my mind. I just want someone who cares about me and I care about them. Who doesn't respond with one sentence when I write five. Who says something, someone who is active, but not too passive. Maybe a bit energetic, I enjoy a lot when people are deeply empathetic and energetic and I'd take my time to write to them in detail when I feel they can really appreciate it. Someone I can write about my experiences with, who isn't just all about playing games or watching movies, where I can write in depth about how I feel about things and who really gets it. I don't know much about you, and maybe I'm hoping for too much. You're probably also finding it weird that I'm responding in detail. It's just the way I view things, seeing a person, a person which might be empathetic and could be a good friend. Which might enjoy talking to me, if I wouldn't take this chance then I'd potentially miss a good friend.

So, I'd like to ask you if you're maybe interested in talking with me for a bit, without any obligations. Just seeing how it will go! You don't need to become an "individual" you can just create a throwaway address if you're uncomfortable. I'll check the thread later, but here's my email if you want to try: anko@firemail.cc

>>39954

I wrote an e-mail! I responded in depth there so i wouldn't repeat myself here but i can relate a lot to what you said.

>>40038

I won't judge but

I came to the personal conclusion recently that video games are awful and were never good, but I still have a really bad addiction to them, I don't even enjoy it, it's like a drug addiction of sorts. I want to quit but I don't know how man. It's blocked me from achieving my life goals for years, thankfully im only 20 and have lots of time to accomplish my dreams and goals but I want to kill this hobby now and fast. But I don't know how to do it.

Off topic but the more I think about it the more I realize that ID Software helped ruin gaming, especially Quake, Quake is supremely overrated and popularized multiplayer games which have been mostly a disaster for video games.

>>40101

Well then anon just use your computer for schoolwork, and if you have to listen to music use a MP3 player or something like that. Uninstall steam or whatever client you haveand all vidya on it. If you have game consoles put them in your closet and hide your games somewhere out of site. As for the internet, unless it’s something vital and important turn off your router.

I believe in you anon!

>>39959

Thanks for the advice, it's genuinely helpful.

Will do my best to take it to heart.

Sometimes I want to be un/kind/ because being /kind/ never seems worth it.

I got cucked by the supersaurus. Watched as my beloved sauropods became decrepit and weak from the masterful thrust of the superior dinosaur. My sinister smile haunts me each day following, afraid of the harm I caused, not to my sauropods, but to myself. My neck has shrunken, only a husk of my former self, a slave to the supersaurus. My fellow sauropods later left, for promises of protection and strength from a longer, larger neck.

Have been posting and browsing Gab and Dissenter a lot more than 8ch mostly because none of the boards I frequent here are all that active, 8ch's been super slow for almost a month now.

>>40675

Sounds like you ultimately benefited from dropping her from your life!

>>40677

Agreed.

>>40401

Being desensitized to human emotions and plights is a shitty feeling, innit?

It was my lowpoint years ago. Everyone and everything just feels so distant, and it feels like you're barely going to leave an impression on this Earth or life in general.

If it helps to know my experience, life got better, but only bc I got livid. I hated my life, my environment, how dead my prospects looked. I became volatile. I started changing massive things about my character and my environment, and I did it with a bit of anger.

That "desensitized" feeling remains for me, though. I feel like I can barely feel people's emotions, including my own (doesn't help that I've been having high trust issues nowadays). Fuck, I haven't even cried in a year, and that's terrifying..

I feel like I'll be fine, though. I got things to love about myself.

>>40675

Good for you, though, putting yourself out there in the first place! Be proud of yourself.

I believe there's always someone out there who'd deffo be interested in the natural you, as much as you'd be interested in them. Don't be hasty, though; the best relationships come naturally, from my observations.

Yesterday: took day off work because of emotional distress (thanks, FMLA, for letting me do that without losing my job) thanks to the day before's drama still residing and in the morning suddenly finding that lying, two-faced tease on kikeberg – yes I know, but I can't convinced my closest friends 'n' fam to get off it! – which further sent me down a depression spiral, and only later that day did I notice I was sniffly and sore-throated.

(aw lawdy plebbit-spessign)

Today: went back to work but it got worse: coughing and sneezing and blowing nose every 20-30m.

(ohmigosh plebbit-spessign ageenz!11!)

Tomorrow (?): at this rate my day off tomorrow will be spent sitting in front of my computer hacking up my lungs. As opposed to sitting in front of my computer feeling not-so-bad.

>>40696

Yeah, breakups suck like that. the sickness prolly doesn't help either.,

Don't fret much, just take your time picking yourself up.

>>40698

>>40699

>i don't have any friends and at this point i'm not sure if i understand how to make/be friends

Oh boy, do I have a five step process for y'all. :D

>Approach human

>Discuss topic

>Accept how awkward it might be (most important step)

>Listen

>Continue talking to them about other topics

It's simple, but difficult. Worked for me, though.

I struggled with socializing for almost a decade, and it took me almost 2 years to feel like I could naturally make an acquaintance in any situation.

Some tips:

>It's easy to choose a topic that relates in the moment.

>Don't be afraid to prefabricate convos

>Talk about broad subjects, go in depth on certain aspects of said subject (i.e. "You do art? That's pretty good! Do you draw, waterpaint, sculpt? Got any pictures? You like that show?")

>It's easy to make friends with people you see daily

>People are fun to talk to when they talk about themselves. Ask them what they like to do!

Examples of some of my favorite convo starters from when I just began to put myself out there:

>*People playing D&d at lounge*"Y'all mind if I sit in? I've never played D&D, but it always looked fun…"*Proceeds to talk to Players abt game mechanics and their char sheets, enjoy their session*

>*See classmate out in lounge*"Hey, you're in ___'s class, right? Do you get this concept?"*proceeds to discuss class, leave. See her drawing later that week, ask her about her art frequently*

>*Walk into store, employee asks me what I need* "Hey, so, I'm trying to run like I'm 5 years younger, what do you recommend?" *Employee and I discuss fat loss and proteins, eventually talk about muscle cramps in legs, turns to favorite running tracks, then upcoming 5k's*

Ah. One other thing: alot of times, I frequently forgot to introduce myself, or ask them their names. :L

We'd pass by each other sometimes, and I'd just put on this awkward smile and be like "Hey, you? Completely forgot to introduce myself, I'm Anon. What's your name? Ah, ___." Ain't nothing wrong with that.

Lemme know if you wanna discuss it more, or just come and talk about how much fun you're having making yourself acquainted with people.

Also, >>40699 good work seeing yourself through the grief. It's (in my case) one of the most difficult situations to overcome.

>>40131

Sometimes being /kind/ to yourself means being un/kind/ to others.

The heresy.

just remember to apologize afterwards

>>40708

>>40709

Thanks. I hope you had a great day internet friend.

Let's just say I'm scared to go to sleep, so now I have forced insomnia…

Usually it's because of hot temperature but I'm still skeptical that turning the fan on will be of much benefit.

Me as I'm looking up the term "milquetoast" just after blindly using it in a fanfiction that, as it turns out, was only meant to RISK being seen as fodder for its demographic's dark fantasies.

I am unhappy and with a minor migraine right now. Being unhappy and with a minor migraine has somehow brought me to all the special times, that have happened once a decade, when something beyond good, something that felt like a cure from the worst life put you through, came in a way that is hard to assemble in words but if I managed to choose them it would be that they made you believe what experiencing an unconditional miracle felt like.

These are my instances per decade:

90s:

the “Always Forever” song by Donna Lewis. Music was the redeeming feature from this living nightmare of a decade, and this song is still a musical diamond.

00s:

A fan fiction titled “A Moment of Understanding” by Voxxyn. It sounds cringeworthy, but middle school was essentially just one beautiful novel titled 7th grade in between two bookends made of shit titled 6th and 8th grade. Reading this story after graduating from all that noise was a better escape than any movie I saw that decade.

10s:

Strangely enough this wasn’t even something that came to me in the external sense: It was me giving a webcomic I had worked on since High school the ending I wanted. Due to forces beyond my control I actually ended up giving it the ending it needed after I was SOMEHOW obligated to bring it back five years after giving it that aforementioned ending I wanted. Which I’m not against since it ended on a better note, but the ending I WANTED to give it will always be my personal favorite because, given how much my mind had deteriorated since then, I felt the best plasmic sense of honest free will in having 100% control over something that was mine compared to everything else this putrid decade weighed down on me. And it’s still something I return to once in a while (though a bit less now as time goes by) that despite reminding me of how letting things go is a bittersweet part of life, so is moving on.

I know I may have sperged out on that last one, but everyone’s perspective changes as time goes by.

Oh, Bikini Bottom Horror.

Even if I don't need to be good at comics, let alone have a drive for them once again, my early 20s were a different life after what I went through to leave them.

After what I had to throw away, from them and what came before..

Since the death of 8chan I've retreated from image boards to the fediverse. Been bouncing around these wonderfully disgusting and disgustingly wonderful pits of glittering shit for 12 years now and it feels bad, man. But maybe I'm finally growing bored of various "twitter but I can post porn, gore, and /pol/-tier edgelord memes without mods/admins giving a fuck" sites, given that I'm posting here right now. Bah. Who knows.

Before I take a break from image boards for the rest of the month:

Either I’ve kept this to myself long enough or I’m already losing my memory so as to forget mentioning it (not that I didn’t want to gain amnesia anyway since I remember being alive) but in April of 2016 I sank into pretty much something too fucked up to simply call a depression.

HOWEVER.

In February of that same year I had made pretty much, what I’d guess I’d call, “post-thumbnails” for a manga style comic adaptation of a fan fiction I made in 2011.

So to keep it as short and simple as possible (asasap), I had a quarter to half of the post-thumbnails finished (because 70s shoujo manga aesthetic is harder to pull off than El Guernica) but the depression hit to the point I threw away everything associated with the fanfiction’s source material EXCEPT the thumbnails, so I just made the comic in 2017 with what I had so as to make sure it didn’t go to waste.

…sometimes I WANT to say it wasn’t worth what I had to go through, that’s all I’m going to say :(.

Kind of glad I'm no longer following Mr. Abrams:

I referenced him in a gross context in 2013, leaving it like that.

My Mum lashed out on me because I used MY money to pay the vet for one of my doogals' checkups AND for buying a medical cream for her to ingest. I'd feel hurt, however:

1. Since only HER money clearly matters, I drained the aforementioned cream down the toilet, (this way she can buy it herself and make her own appointments from now on).

2. Fun fact: earlier this year (around March or April) some beggar, give or take my age, nearly pounced on (if not attacked) me because I didn't give him enough spare change. So yeah, I know a thing or two about aggresive ingratitude.

And now back to emotional hibernation.

>>41337

Welp, I always knew trying to argue with her was like trying to argue with a Tasmanian devil that was attempting to bite your hand off, and now I’m currently homeless.

post

i dont know what to do

im not asking for advice just venting

im still just getting started with programming but ive always liked mathematics and i think im good at it, im very confident in my thinking and creativity. im thinking about the future. i cant decide between ai and cryptography/information security. i think i can be good at both of them and i am interested in both of them. choosing ai is underlied by a choice for creativity, making things for others, its the happy and gay choice. i wanted to learn drawing too and i wanted to make music but i think ai is the same type of creativity as art, its love, and its much more complete, a lot of areas of math and cs can be brought together for agent design, ai is joy and connection with the outside world. what underlines a choice for cryptography is making things for myself and living separate from others. a choice for solitude, purity and righteousness. i think i could be better at designing agents and stuff than cyber security, its what id like to do but its useless for myself, i think 10 years from now there will be more and better jobs in cybersec than conventional (i.e. non-quantum) ai, im afraid and insecure. cryptography is more useful for myself and also i think im incompatible with the outside world. i want to make things for others but i dont fit in anywhere. i dont think i deserve being together with others and i should isolate myself. i think its my fault and im not "good enough" and i should always just be alone. like really alone, not even lurking imageboards or reading news just writing code and reading textbooks and thinking about numbers and code every moment of my day. and doing nothing else. also theres a third option and that is giving up on these silly fantasies because my life sucks its ruined anyways so why not just enjoy a lonely hikikomori life while i still can. i love reading visual novels, i love 2d girls, i love the purity and their niceness, its pure love even though its just a lie and images and words on a screen.

im extremely ugly and poor and it sucks. i dont care about money that much i just wish i looked different i wish i were a girl or that i looked more feminine. seems like its relatively normal to think that now and everyone says it confidently i dont know. i hope if i ever make a lot of money from maths that i can use some of it to change how i look. i dont know, with gene editing or uploading my mind to a robot body. just retarded fantasies. i hate being tall, im 2m tall i dont know why people talk about height like its good to be tall or something to be envious about maybe its an internet ironic thing and im too stupid to get it. i hate it. i just stand out and its uncute. i dont know. if i were a girl i think id be extremely clingy and 世話好き. i think id grow up to be a teacher. i like abstract stuff so teaching classes in college but there are many naughty people in universities so i think id choose being a kindergarten teacher. i dont know but id never do anything like crossdressing, everyone can be free and its alright when anyone does it but not me im wrong and bad and im afraid of freedom and not caring. also i wish i had gotten my first computer one decade earlier than i did and that my guardians didnt mess with my head and i wish theyd let me just grow on myself. i wish i had started learning programming a decade earlier. i wish i had a different life. i hate what i am. i hate what i grew up to be. i think deep inside im very different or at least i want to be but this life sucks a lot. and i think im accepting ill never get to show that to other people. that feels like a mistake. i dont know i just hate this life its a prison.

i dont know sorry for bothering, im a low iq retarded schizo, im the worst thats all. sorry for making a post on this board. i dont even know anyone here im just a total freak that thinks its ok to jump into dead anonymous threads and make long unreadable posts. whatever choice ill make ill, ai cryptography or vns ill be completely alone from now on and rarely in my life will i ever directly interact with other people again. sorry.

i dont know

im going to go on a very long journey and i dont think it will ever end. so its like im jumping into an abyss or entering a tunnel that stretches forever. im planning to get a bs, a ms and a phd. 4+2+4 years, or one decade. i dont plan to do anything but studying every day of my life in this period. in absolute silence and loneliness. im very confident i have the right mindset for cybersec and also the imagination and the vision of a good programmer.

i dont know i hate this. i wish i were a normal person. i wish i had a normal life. ive never played videogames, ive never enjoyed anime, ive never seen many artworks, most of all ive never had friends. i wish so much i were a different person, that i had a different life. i wish i had been born into a different life, a better life. i wish i looked girly and cute. i dont tolerate myself, i cant accept myself. i cant bear looking at myself in a mirror. and i wish i could have spent my childhood learning programming and how to computer. ive never lived, ive never felt alive, ive never felt like i have a life.

i dont understand normal people, i dont know why people take pictures of themselves, i dont know what its like to have a normal conversation or to speak up your mind unafraid of criticism and being leashed out on. i just try to be like others but it never works.

i dont know it feels like im rewiring my brain somehow and erasing a very nice part of myself that i should hold on to no matter what just so i can be better at programming and related things.

its a very frightening type of loneliness, im really alone and its mesisng with my head and im afraid of becoming a monster, i want to believe in kindness and i want to be together with others but i cant bear this loneliness and its consuming me. im turning into a robot that cares about nothing other than code and projects and money.

someone please help me. someone please save me. im not like this. i want to hug, i want to cuddle, i want to tell someone how much i love them and dedicate my life to someone, i want to make someone the happiest person on earth and protect them, i dont want to live for myself. god please, someone please. im very afraid, im terrified. i think im making a mistake, i dont want to do this i think im different but im hopeless too.

i dont know sorry for bothering you i just wanted to vent, i think im hopeless.

i wanted to program but i think its too late for me

i wish i could start life over, i wish i had another life, i wish i had been born into a different life. id have spent all my childhood and teen years learning linux, programming and maths every day. i think its just pointless now. i honest to god love maths and programming and think i could be so good at them but my life is so hopeless.

this life was very violent and weird, it would take a lot of posts to explain everything but ive never felt free, it was just watching everything being destroyed and reduced to nothing and having things taken away from me, it just sucked a lot. ive never felt alive. ive never lived. ive never done anything like playing videogames with friends. i wish i did. i think im too mentally broken now.

i think i give up on everything. ill just enjoy my neet lifestyle in loneliness while i still have it. ill eat tasty junk food every day, im going to do nothing but listen to music and read eroge and h-manga every day, and sleep whenever i want. then kill myself when i cant afford this anymore.

i know thats not possible but i wish something like reincarnation existed. i wish i could have lived a different life.