No.30911 [View All]
It's ok, we're all anonymous here.
____________________________
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No.40675
After years of being in a relationship, my gf finally left me.
We started really great, but when she went far away for work is when she became really abusive.
I started hating myself based on what she'd say, like how I'm not like other guys, and so I'd start feeling inferior.
Eventually, around the end of our relationship I just started 'feeling better' whenever I don't talk to her.
But of course, since it has ended, I was left with everything she had said, I felt like shit.
I've only started to pick myself up again, and started enjoying programming again.
I don't think I can find another girlfriend. I'm no longer in my 20s and I don't see myself attracting women anymore.
To be fair, all my ex said rings true, somewhat. All my DIY gifts are shit, as she had said, and was only thrilled when I bought gifts.
I don't feel like having a relationship after that.
I think I'd just like to enjoy life now.
I can see you all calling me pathetic, but I really, really hate and abhor myself, after that and only started trying to like myself again.
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No.40677
>>40675
>All my DIY gifts are shit, as she had said, and was only thrilled when I bought gifts.
She must be a real piece of work if she couldn't even appreciate the intent behind them.
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No.40679
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No.40682
>>40675
Sounds like you ultimately benefited from dropping her from your life!
>>40677
Agreed.
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No.40688
>>40401
Being desensitized to human emotions and plights is a shitty feeling, innit?
It was my lowpoint years ago. Everyone and everything just feels so distant, and it feels like you're barely going to leave an impression on this Earth or life in general.
If it helps to know my experience, life got better, but only bc I got livid. I hated my life, my environment, how dead my prospects looked. I became volatile. I started changing massive things about my character and my environment, and I did it with a bit of anger.
That "desensitized" feeling remains for me, though. I feel like I can barely feel people's emotions, including my own (doesn't help that I've been having high trust issues nowadays). Fuck, I haven't even cried in a year, and that's terrifying..
I feel like I'll be fine, though. I got things to love about myself.
>>40675
Good for you, though, putting yourself out there in the first place! Be proud of yourself.
I believe there's always someone out there who'd deffo be interested in the natural you, as much as you'd be interested in them. Don't be hasty, though; the best relationships come naturally, from my observations.
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No.40696
Yesterday: took day off work because of emotional distress (thanks, FMLA, for letting me do that without losing my job) thanks to the day before's drama still residing and in the morning suddenly finding that lying, two-faced tease on kikeberg – yes I know, but I can't convinced my closest friends 'n' fam to get off it! – which further sent me down a depression spiral, and only later that day did I notice I was sniffly and sore-throated.
(aw lawdy plebbit-spessign)
Today: went back to work but it got worse: coughing and sneezing and blowing nose every 20-30m.
(ohmigosh plebbit-spessign ageenz!11!)
Tomorrow (?): at this rate my day off tomorrow will be spent sitting in front of my computer hacking up my lungs. As opposed to sitting in front of my computer feeling not-so-bad.
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No.40698
i don't have any friends and at this point i'm not sure if i understand how to make/be friends. i used to have a few close friends but i lost all of them about a year ago. just a few months and i was all alone. i can't stand seeing people talk to each other. laugh together. i can't take it. i want to be spoken to, i want to speak, but there's no one. everybody who wants friends already has friends. no one needs me. i'll die alone, i guess.
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No.40699
>>40698
I don't really have any advice for you but I know how you feel and its really rough. If you need to post about something specific I'll try to check this thread and board regularly during the next few weeks for you.
>>40696
Relationship drama can be tough I'm sorry to ask, but was it cheating? If so, that's doubly hard on you and I'm sorry you have to go through that but I hope the worst is behind you now physically and emotionally.
>>40293
I never responded to you but thank you for posting this that day. Over these last few months more memories of my time with him came up than I thought possible and I've never felt so much of everything as I do when I remember him now. Thank you friend.
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No.40706
>>40696
Yeah, breakups suck like that. the sickness prolly doesn't help either.,
Don't fret much, just take your time picking yourself up.
>>40698
>>40699
>i don't have any friends and at this point i'm not sure if i understand how to make/be friends
Oh boy, do I have a five step process for y'all. :D
>Approach human
>Discuss topic
>Accept how awkward it might be (most important step)
>Listen
>Continue talking to them about other topics
It's simple, but difficult. Worked for me, though.
I struggled with socializing for almost a decade, and it took me almost 2 years to feel like I could naturally make an acquaintance in any situation.
Some tips:
>It's easy to choose a topic that relates in the moment.
>Don't be afraid to prefabricate convos
>Talk about broad subjects, go in depth on certain aspects of said subject (i.e. "You do art? That's pretty good! Do you draw, waterpaint, sculpt? Got any pictures? You like that show?")
>It's easy to make friends with people you see daily
>People are fun to talk to when they talk about themselves. Ask them what they like to do!
Examples of some of my favorite convo starters from when I just began to put myself out there:
>*People playing D&d at lounge*"Y'all mind if I sit in? I've never played D&D, but it always looked fun…"*Proceeds to talk to Players abt game mechanics and their char sheets, enjoy their session*
>*See classmate out in lounge*"Hey, you're in ___'s class, right? Do you get this concept?"*proceeds to discuss class, leave. See her drawing later that week, ask her about her art frequently*
>*Walk into store, employee asks me what I need* "Hey, so, I'm trying to run like I'm 5 years younger, what do you recommend?" *Employee and I discuss fat loss and proteins, eventually talk about muscle cramps in legs, turns to favorite running tracks, then upcoming 5k's*
Ah. One other thing: alot of times, I frequently forgot to introduce myself, or ask them their names. :L
We'd pass by each other sometimes, and I'd just put on this awkward smile and be like "Hey, you? Completely forgot to introduce myself, I'm Anon. What's your name? Ah, ___." Ain't nothing wrong with that.
Lemme know if you wanna discuss it more, or just come and talk about how much fun you're having making yourself acquainted with people.
Also, >>40699 good work seeing yourself through the grief. It's (in my case) one of the most difficult situations to overcome.
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No.40707
>>40131
Sometimes being /kind/ to yourself means being un/kind/ to others.
The heresy.
just remember to apologize afterwards
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No.40708
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No.40709
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No.40712
>>40709
Thanks. I hope you had a great day internet friend.
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No.40945
Let's just say I'm scared to go to sleep, so now I have forced insomnia…
Usually it's because of hot temperature but I'm still skeptical that turning the fan on will be of much benefit.
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No.40950
Me as I'm looking up the term "milquetoast" just after blindly using it in a fanfiction that, as it turns out, was only meant to RISK being seen as fodder for its demographic's dark fantasies.
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No.40954
I read news today. Amidst pandemic, our goverment insits on upholding a contract with America to buy fighter jets. They will cost us at least 4 times as much as 13th pension which they want to cancel, for coronavirus, they said.
How can people be so evil and greedy? This is wrong. Why are so many people like that? So selfish? I mean, I am pretty self centered myself but I take care so it doesn't hurt others…
It makes me think that too many people are evil, plain mean… Man is flawed and limited creature.
What if doesn't have to be this way? What if people could experience happiness from within? Without need for modern technology? Maybe it could help us not pollute our environment so very needlessly…
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No.40956
>>40954
It's complicated, but…it's complicated, mate.
If it wasn't we'd be too simple minded to understand it because we'd be simple and, ironically enough, still see it as complicated.
I'm not saying we shouldn't do more than our part if possible, but…I dunno.
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No.40961
I am unhappy and with a minor migraine right now. Being unhappy and with a minor migraine has somehow brought me to all the special times, that have happened once a decade, when something beyond good, something that felt like a cure from the worst life put you through, came in a way that is hard to assemble in words but if I managed to choose them it would be that they made you believe what experiencing an unconditional miracle felt like.
These are my instances per decade:
90s:
the “Always Forever” song by Donna Lewis. Music was the redeeming feature from this living nightmare of a decade, and this song is still a musical diamond.
00s:
A fan fiction titled “A Moment of Understanding” by Voxxyn. It sounds cringeworthy, but middle school was essentially just one beautiful novel titled 7th grade in between two bookends made of shit titled 6th and 8th grade. Reading this story after graduating from all that noise was a better escape than any movie I saw that decade.
10s:
Strangely enough this wasn’t even something that came to me in the external sense: It was me giving a webcomic I had worked on since High school the ending I wanted. Due to forces beyond my control I actually ended up giving it the ending it needed after I was SOMEHOW obligated to bring it back five years after giving it that aforementioned ending I wanted. Which I’m not against since it ended on a better note, but the ending I WANTED to give it will always be my personal favorite because, given how much my mind had deteriorated since then, I felt the best plasmic sense of honest free will in having 100% control over something that was mine compared to everything else this putrid decade weighed down on me. And it’s still something I return to once in a while (though a bit less now as time goes by) that despite reminding me of how letting things go is a bittersweet part of life, so is moving on.
I know I may have sperged out on that last one, but everyone’s perspective changes as time goes by.
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No.40965
Heh, it matters little to me now. However, when I worked on this fan fiction, with the length of 1984, throughout the start of last decade I never made such a big deal on how there was one set of movies I was aiming to deconstruct by intermingling them with the likes of Lord of the Flies, Wanted, Snatch, and V for Vendetta: Spy Kids.
Without getting into too much detail I kept forgetting how one character was inspired by, to keep it PC by sugarcoating it, a real-life main antagonist from Tropic Thunder. But without deviating from the harshness of that same nonPC, My aim (which exceeded its grasp) was to fittingly pay homage to early 00s action films, with all the cheesy slow-mo, Matrix action, and nu-metal soundtrack.
However, Spy Kids conveniently came out that decade, so it felt only fitting to deconstruct it by having them utilize futuristic high tech gadgets in a manner that would feel like a cyberpunk horror version of, say, Moonrise kingdom or even any of the “It” films in the sense that just because they’re children doesn’t mean shit can’t get rated R for real.
But even if I wasn’t ALSO trying to do to newspaper comic strips the way Bleedman did to Cartoon Cartoons, my aim, even for a silly childish fanfiction, still exceeded its grasp almost the same way Tonoharu exceeded Mr. Martinson’s grasp (albeit due to space rather than time).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BzCDVR-tr8
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No.40969
I need a break from tv for the rest of the weekend. It's starting to bring out the worst in me…
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No.40974
Oh, Bikini Bottom Horror.
Even if I don't need to be good at comics, let alone have a drive for them once again, my early 20s were a different life after what I went through to leave them.
After what I had to throw away, from them and what came before..
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No.40984
a lot of weeb shit here. but let's be kind
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No.41044
>>40965
In hindsight, 2 things I shouldn't have done with this story (not that it wasn't too late anyway)
1. I had finished reading the HP books at the time and found out something fascinating: Rowling was initially going to kill Ron. In my story there was a character who was very much the equivalent of Ron, so…yeah. BUT, I had another reason: in my quest to pay homage to Tarantino's methods along the way this meant I could bring him back via flashback that contributed to the unraveling climax. But still, part of me finds it dickish anyway sometimes.
AND
2. I probably shouldn't have used two real life movies, At Close Range and 127 Hours, as inspiration for certain OBVIOUS scenes..
But I was a completely different person at the time. Otherwise It would've been fucking easy to make another fanfiction with HALF the length (believe me, I tried at the start of 2018 -_-).
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No.41050
Stuck living with friends during quarantine. I met them a few months ago so its sort of a new friendship that I share with them. Its basically a couple from the UK and a french girl In the last month or so I have felt myself becoming more close with the french girl, she really opened up to me with a lot a personal stuff and I tried to offer her the best advise that I could given the circumstances (I don't even know what to do with my own life in general so it would be hilarious me actually helping anyone else).
I have seen her cry a couple of times and I gave a couple of heart felt hugs. I started listening to her problems a lot, we started watching movies together, disney mostly and eating lots of chocolate, since she mentioned it keeps her from spiraling downwards into depression. She's been dumped by an emotionally distant and uncaring partner so she's trying to be strong on her own again and heal. The problem with all of this is that after seeing her so vulnerable and helpless I started to be really concerned about her wellbeing, I mean REALLY concerned. I sometimes can't sleep at night, I try to offer her chocolate sometimes, or help her understand something in english, or doing her chores, cleaning after her, not complaining when she makes dinner with $2,5 pizza and some left over vegetables while the rest is trying to come up with a decent meal for everyone, I am trying to improve her life in any way that I can, even if it sometimes I am tired or annoyed to go the extra mile to make it so. But its really taking a toll in my mental stability. I feel like its all really about her plan, what she wants and what she needs right now, that's all it matters for her…
After a few weeks like this I am finding myself less and less willing to do all of this and whats worse I've realized that I started to resent her, I can't help to feel like every time she's interacting with me she is just looking to get something out of me. The other day she actually told me she intended to manipulate the french couple into asking for time off work so we wouldn't look bad being the only ones requesting for that,when she saw my reaction she quickly apologized and said she wouldn't do it. I think I truly failed to recognize some truly non commendable personality traits from her… I feel so stupid. I am ashamed to admit that somewhere deep inside, I might have been hoping for a chance for us to connect as more than friends since we share lots of interests and I thought, also, the same values. In some sort of twisted way, I expected someone to be a little bit emotionally crippled to be able to connect so being "broken" together wouldn't feel so off as to be with someone who has had a normal life but I guess it was very selfish of me to expect that, fuck I might even be what is commonly known as an "incel" expecting for a reward for being a decent human been.
I need to find a new job, a job that makes it possible for me to rent my own place, I really need to leave this place, I wish I could just live by myself again, do my own thing, honestly I was initially planning on staying in this place for 2 months but I think I might go crazy much sooner than that, today I snapped at the english girl for a very silly thing… the couple from the UK are actually nice people. I wouldn't mind sharing the apartment just with them, but I don't feel comfortable around the french girl anymore, she keeps talking about going to do some sports, borrowing my gear even during quarantine and I honestly just want to say "No, sorry, you can't have my gear anymore, you need to buy your own"
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No.41051
>>41050
Hello, I relate to your story so let me tell you about my experiences.
I used to be in long distance relationship with one boy, now my ex. We were friends over the inernet initialy but never actually met so my situation was somewhat different.
We started "dating" few weeks after his other boyfriend, also in LDR, left him. I wanted to comfort him so I spent several hours trying to comfort him. Apparently it worked and somehow we developed feelings for each other and entered another relationship.
While I was mainly caring wanted him to feel better because he was my friend, I did it also because I wanted to be like and I was also hoping to find love someday. So if jt were to halpen with my friend, I thought it would be very nice.
I don't think you were selfish in hoping to grow closer to that girl. Would you be against an idea of trying to date a girl which would take such an effort in helping you out, as you did for that girl? I see it like that you simply wanted to have someone who would have been just as kind for you if you needed that. That's why your approach is totally understandable. Thanks to this you know she isn't a person like that.
Furthermore, in my nearly 2 years long relationship I learned few more things. People with depression, like my ex, make the relationship tense. I have seen several people say it and I think that comparing these people to black holes is not far off. They have simply ailed brain which keeps them negative mindset, that's why when other people make them happy, they get sad much quicker than most people.
And speaking of selfishness, there is not big line between being king to others and being used by them. I think your reaction is understandable. You were showing a quite a lot of kindness to that girl but recieved little in return. One way relationships suck ass.
Though if you really desired to date her, you probably should have been more direct about it instead of getting resentful about wanting to date her even though she may have had no idea.
TLDR: Its okay to want your sexual/romantic needs satisfied and kindness reciprocated. None can keep giving forever. Try not to be used by others but try to be kind to other people who you feel deserve it, there aren't many like us. Oh yeah, and you gotta be able to love yourself before you love others. Try to put yourself together before dating and don't date other broken people. No matter how kind or how much you feel sorry for them, at most just have sex with them and be done with it.
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No.41059
I try to lean more towards Aussie media since they seem to be a little bit more extroverted than my puritan American roots, despite a part of me still maintaining my anglophile side the same way they maintain the Union Jack.
However, amongst the multiple reasons towards why I became an anglophile in the first place, past being raised on Hogwarts and acknowledging the fact I'm not exactly speaking hog Latin, this video is definitely on the top 5, mainly what Christopher Nolan's long lost brother says at 4:27:
https://youtu.be/tR_QiqxDxyI
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No.41073
Since the death of 8chan I've retreated from image boards to the fediverse. Been bouncing around these wonderfully disgusting and disgustingly wonderful pits of glittering shit for 12 years now and it feels bad, man. But maybe I'm finally growing bored of various "twitter but I can post porn, gore, and /pol/-tier edgelord memes without mods/admins giving a fuck" sites, given that I'm posting here right now. Bah. Who knows.
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No.41178
>>41051
At the risk of being cliché: Women want strong men.
If you bend over backward for other people, you won't be respected by most women, even if they gain an advantage from you doing that.
Your best bet is the hard way. Make yourself strong of will, stand your ground without becoming a contrarian ass and improve your life as well as you can. And try to realize your own worth. Humor can get you far. So can creativity, or being a good cook. Whatever it is, do it with passion and you'll draw people to you.
And, I know this'll sound crazy, be picky about girls. A lot are worthless trash. The good ones really deserve a guy who cherishes them, but opposed to tv-land the shy somewhat broken ones aren't automatically it. I'm afraid you need to critically judge them each on their own merits to find someone that compliments you.
Personally, I made a list of must-haves, and decided I would, at most, compromise 2 of those, if the girl had something really special to offer that'd be worth it.
I was single for 2 years (discounting a 1 week relationship that went nowhere) but I had a lot of girls start to chase after me. It was crazy!
But simply reversing the game and making sure you're the one being picky while looking around in a relaxed manner really does a lot. Just don't be the type to jump every girl that falls for that behaviour. Because she might just be someone looking for drama, the thrill, or only want you because other girls do.
After all of that, here's my advice about your situation specifically: Be polite, but stop being a doormat. Do what is polite and even kind, if you wish, without wasting the time you need to improve yourself.
IF you do this right, you working to improve your own situation will make her want to do the same. A lot of people are influenced very much by their friends, passively.
And if not? At some point you need to cut her loose, for both of your sakes.
Standing still in this type of relationship is not helping either of you.
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No.41233
Before I take a break from image boards for the rest of the month:
Either I’ve kept this to myself long enough or I’m already losing my memory so as to forget mentioning it (not that I didn’t want to gain amnesia anyway since I remember being alive) but in April of 2016 I sank into pretty much something too fucked up to simply call a depression.
HOWEVER.
In February of that same year I had made pretty much, what I’d guess I’d call, “post-thumbnails” for a manga style comic adaptation of a fan fiction I made in 2011.
So to keep it as short and simple as possible (asasap), I had a quarter to half of the post-thumbnails finished (because 70s shoujo manga aesthetic is harder to pull off than El Guernica) but the depression hit to the point I threw away everything associated with the fanfiction’s source material EXCEPT the thumbnails, so I just made the comic in 2017 with what I had so as to make sure it didn’t go to waste.
…sometimes I WANT to say it wasn’t worth what I had to go through, that’s all I’m going to say :(.
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No.41269
1. Jim Donald IS right about women. Men who say otherwise are either lying to maintain a monopoly or have that male disorder that makes men think every women they actually don't know is the same as his mother or his sister or the first one to touch his dick.
2. That said, grug brains who say shit like "just get laid bro" are full of it too. The observation that so many male celebrities namely actors and musicians (who get real are the most desirable men alive) and PUA types are drug addicts or trapped in shithole marriages like Johnny Depp or convert to shit like Scientology or Christianity (see Roosh( shows it.
3. Nobody has a "right" to be "happy." Nobody has a right to live in peace and not be bullied. Nobody has a right to a wife or child. Nobody has a right to anything. He can only seize what he can or get someone to do it for him.
4. All "negative stereotypes" are rooted in observation. As in negative homosexual ones (friend men are indeed diseased at a notably higher level than non-friend men, dyke women really do hate/distrust men more than they are into women), negative racial ones (the cops target Black men since they commit more violent crime per capita than others and also get violent at the cops more per capita).
5. Hating the world and loving it are both foolish and hysterical. The correct path is to see what it is and seek to look beyond it.
6. Ultimately, we all have different natures so threads like this one can't really "help." There are men who just content (if not "happy") living objectively within the poverty line with no notable sexual history and others who notably richer who hate the world.
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No.41286
Recently I've been insecure about my relationship with my gf. I suspect that there's something between her and her coworker. Maybe they're not romantically or sexually cheating. But I do suspect it was something like work spouse or work husband stuff. And I hate the fact that she won't left her job because of money.
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No.41291
>>41286
Being in a relationship like that would make me paranoid. There's just too much cheating these days, and if you're married you've got a serious chance of divorce happening. I recently decided that I'm just going to insist on open relationships when I finally enter the dating world. If I were involved with someone who was screwing someone else, at least it would be out in the open.
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No.41321
Mexican bookstore Gandhi is closing its doors 8 years after Borders did.
Which comes as a surprise: They both came out the same year yet it was never THAT popular.
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No.41336
Kind of glad I'm no longer following Mr. Abrams:
I referenced him in a gross context in 2013, leaving it like that.
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No.41337
My Mum lashed out on me because I used MY money to pay the vet for one of my doogals' checkups AND for buying a medical cream for her to ingest. I'd feel hurt, however:
1. Since only HER money clearly matters, I drained the aforementioned cream down the toilet, (this way she can buy it herself and make her own appointments from now on).
2. Fun fact: earlier this year (around March or April) some beggar, give or take my age, nearly pounced on (if not attacked) me because I didn't give him enough spare change. So yeah, I know a thing or two about aggresive ingratitude.
And now back to emotional hibernation.
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No.41338
>>41336
>>41337
Off-topic, but Squidward has unironically become my favorite Spongebob character over the years.
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No.41340
>>41337
Welp, I always knew trying to argue with her was like trying to argue with a Tasmanian devil that was attempting to bite your hand off, and now I’m currently homeless.
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No.41341
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No.41349
>>37402
>>23 years old and never had gf
We all got the girlfriend problem.
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No.41352
>Suicidal thoughts
>Manipulation
>Chokes and sputters mucus after eating
>Lonely
>Deppresion
>Blood in stool and urine
>Genetically predisposed to kidney stones
>Near sighted
>Randomly vomit after eating sometimes
>Aspegers
with emotionally or sexually abusive people or just predators
>Anxiety
>Heavily medicated
>PTSD
>Illegal treatment in school by special education, Physical abuse , Physical threats , psychological abuse , emotional abuse , borderline sexual abuse , false antagonized assault charges , false sexual harassment charges , refusal to educate , teachers still willyfully employed , whole day spent with armed gangbangers who could murder me at any moment , State and federal education refusal to properly investigate a literal civil rights abuse
>Teenage grooming
>No diploma and state dosen't give support to my disability for GED
>No Job
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No.41353
*Few relationships have been with sexually or emotionally abusive people or just predators
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No.41354
>>41352
Also my teeth easily chip and one of my eyes droops along with nearsightedness
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No.41378
i dont know what to do
im not asking for advice just venting
im still just getting started with programming but ive always liked mathematics and i think im good at it, im very confident in my thinking and creativity. im thinking about the future. i cant decide between ai and cryptography/information security. i think i can be good at both of them and i am interested in both of them. choosing ai is underlied by a choice for creativity, making things for others, its the happy and gay choice. i wanted to learn drawing too and i wanted to make music but i think ai is the same type of creativity as art, its love, and its much more complete, a lot of areas of math and cs can be brought together for agent design, ai is joy and connection with the outside world. what underlines a choice for cryptography is making things for myself and living separate from others. a choice for solitude, purity and righteousness. i think i could be better at designing agents and stuff than cyber security, its what id like to do but its useless for myself, i think 10 years from now there will be more and better jobs in cybersec than conventional (i.e. non-quantum) ai, im afraid and insecure. cryptography is more useful for myself and also i think im incompatible with the outside world. i want to make things for others but i dont fit in anywhere. i dont think i deserve being together with others and i should isolate myself. i think its my fault and im not "good enough" and i should always just be alone. like really alone, not even lurking imageboards or reading news just writing code and reading textbooks and thinking about numbers and code every moment of my day. and doing nothing else. also theres a third option and that is giving up on these silly fantasies because my life sucks its ruined anyways so why not just enjoy a lonely hikikomori life while i still can. i love reading visual novels, i love 2d girls, i love the purity and their niceness, its pure love even though its just a lie and images and words on a screen.
im extremely ugly and poor and it sucks. i dont care about money that much i just wish i looked different i wish i were a girl or that i looked more feminine. seems like its relatively normal to think that now and everyone says it confidently i dont know. i hope if i ever make a lot of money from maths that i can use some of it to change how i look. i dont know, with gene editing or uploading my mind to a robot body. just retarded fantasies. i hate being tall, im 2m tall i dont know why people talk about height like its good to be tall or something to be envious about maybe its an internet ironic thing and im too stupid to get it. i hate it. i just stand out and its uncute. i dont know. if i were a girl i think id be extremely clingy and 世話好き. i think id grow up to be a teacher. i like abstract stuff so teaching classes in college but there are many naughty people in universities so i think id choose being a kindergarten teacher. i dont know but id never do anything like crossdressing, everyone can be free and its alright when anyone does it but not me im wrong and bad and im afraid of freedom and not caring. also i wish i had gotten my first computer one decade earlier than i did and that my guardians didnt mess with my head and i wish theyd let me just grow on myself. i wish i had started learning programming a decade earlier. i wish i had a different life. i hate what i am. i hate what i grew up to be. i think deep inside im very different or at least i want to be but this life sucks a lot. and i think im accepting ill never get to show that to other people. that feels like a mistake. i dont know i just hate this life its a prison.
i dont know sorry for bothering, im a low iq retarded schizo, im the worst thats all. sorry for making a post on this board. i dont even know anyone here im just a total freak that thinks its ok to jump into dead anonymous threads and make long unreadable posts. whatever choice ill make ill, ai cryptography or vns ill be completely alone from now on and rarely in my life will i ever directly interact with other people again. sorry.
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No.41380
i dont know
im going to go on a very long journey and i dont think it will ever end. so its like im jumping into an abyss or entering a tunnel that stretches forever. im planning to get a bs, a ms and a phd. 4+2+4 years, or one decade. i dont plan to do anything but studying every day of my life in this period. in absolute silence and loneliness. im very confident i have the right mindset for cybersec and also the imagination and the vision of a good programmer.
i dont know i hate this. i wish i were a normal person. i wish i had a normal life. ive never played videogames, ive never enjoyed anime, ive never seen many artworks, most of all ive never had friends. i wish so much i were a different person, that i had a different life. i wish i had been born into a different life, a better life. i wish i looked girly and cute. i dont tolerate myself, i cant accept myself. i cant bear looking at myself in a mirror. and i wish i could have spent my childhood learning programming and how to computer. ive never lived, ive never felt alive, ive never felt like i have a life.
i dont understand normal people, i dont know why people take pictures of themselves, i dont know what its like to have a normal conversation or to speak up your mind unafraid of criticism and being leashed out on. i just try to be like others but it never works.
i dont know it feels like im rewiring my brain somehow and erasing a very nice part of myself that i should hold on to no matter what just so i can be better at programming and related things.
its a very frightening type of loneliness, im really alone and its mesisng with my head and im afraid of becoming a monster, i want to believe in kindness and i want to be together with others but i cant bear this loneliness and its consuming me. im turning into a robot that cares about nothing other than code and projects and money.
someone please help me. someone please save me. im not like this. i want to hug, i want to cuddle, i want to tell someone how much i love them and dedicate my life to someone, i want to make someone the happiest person on earth and protect them, i dont want to live for myself. god please, someone please. im very afraid, im terrified. i think im making a mistake, i dont want to do this i think im different but im hopeless too.
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No.41381
>>41378
>>41380
There's not a lot of people left on this /kind/, so I wanted to respond even though I don't know what to write. /kind/ is a board for helping people and we are all friends here, so I don't think you should feel like a freak for posting here.Personally, I found your posts very moving.
I also struggle with feeling worthless and wanting to isolate myself, but I don't think it's sustainable. You wrote a lot about programming, but regardless of your career choice, you'll still have bosses and coworkers. I don't know that much about coding, but from what I've seen people normally work in bigger projects with multiple developers.I think what you wrote about killing a part of yourself to be a better programmer is a mistake.
I don't know if I can help, but I'll be here if you want to talk.
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No.41383
i dont know sorry for bothering you i just wanted to vent, i think im hopeless.
i wanted to program but i think its too late for me
i wish i could start life over, i wish i had another life, i wish i had been born into a different life. id have spent all my childhood and teen years learning linux, programming and maths every day. i think its just pointless now. i honest to god love maths and programming and think i could be so good at them but my life is so hopeless.
this life was very violent and weird, it would take a lot of posts to explain everything but ive never felt free, it was just watching everything being destroyed and reduced to nothing and having things taken away from me, it just sucked a lot. ive never felt alive. ive never lived. ive never done anything like playing videogames with friends. i wish i did. i think im too mentally broken now.
i think i give up on everything. ill just enjoy my neet lifestyle in loneliness while i still have it. ill eat tasty junk food every day, im going to do nothing but listen to music and read eroge and h-manga every day, and sleep whenever i want. then kill myself when i cant afford this anymore.
i know thats not possible but i wish something like reincarnation existed. i wish i could have lived a different life.
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No.41384
>>41383
How old are you? Why do you think it's pointless to start learning programming now?
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No.41385
im in my 20s on paper. i think i look like im in my 40s and physically it feels like im in my 50s. mentally i think i havent aged past my early teens. i dont know maybe its not that its too late but i wish i had started earlier. ive lost my whole life doing nothing. ive never enjoyed it like some people. ive never had friends, ive never played videogames, ive never enjoyed anything really, i just do things out of curiosity because other people do it as well and i dont understand it. im not used to the idea anyone can just do what they want without regards for the rest of the world. and ive never made anything interesting out of my life even though i wish i had, i wish i had spent all my life doing only one thing like drawing or programming, i dont care about anything else. its over now, my life was just a sigh. im moving to a world of my own now. i picture a homeless girl who thinks shes a magician and wants to show that magic to others and she thinks everyone can be a magician too and they just have to believe it but no one does and understandably everyone treats her like a scammer. she gives up on showing magic to others but one day she finds a secret passage to another world, a paradise made just for her, like god abandoned her but pities her and left her a personal eden, she crawls through it and then the passage is deleted forever. in this world the girl can make anything she can imagine in an instant, she can fly around shes so happy but its lonely and theres no going back to the world where everyone else was. i dont know i think im dying inside myself, its very scary, i feel like im turning into a different person, like a different consciousness or whatever is spawning in my mind and the current one is being erased. i think its a consequence of extreme loneliness and other problems, its taking me over. i dont know it feels like one of those scenes when an ufo abducts a person and they try to hold on to lighting poles but they get pulled too. i feel like im turning into a machine, i dont feel anything i only think about computers programming and maths, its the sole contents of my mind, im getting very addicted to this. its pointless because i dont think ill ever stop being poor, i wont ever make money, i wont ever be recognized, i have a lot of health problems and theyre just getrting worse and making simple things very painful and troublesome, i should just enjoy my hikikomori lifestyle while i still have it but im going to do this anyways, its what is right its what i want its my calling and im finally free. i will never come back to this world where everyone is and ill always be alone from now on. loneliness is a choice rather than a situation you find yourself in and to this day ive never been lonely, ive always succeeded in telling my brain im normal or that i have company despite everything. the alternative is extremely scary but its all theres left now, i cant continue to tell myself im normal and to live like this. it feels so scary you have no idea. i feel so alive and so dead at the same time, its awesome but so scary. i believe in magic. i think its nothing like innate powers or anything above science. if anything science is a type of magic. the way i see it magic is about understanding how things work and seeing things from your own original perspective so you can manipulate them. you have to stop believing in others and trust your own intuition. and its very scary but feels awesome, just like flying. i dont even know what im talking about anymore its 3:59 here as im typing this. sorry.
i dont know sorry for being a weirdo and spouting schizophrenic nonsense, if you actually read this please pretend you didnt and dont reply, im just venting really. im very lonely and it feels somehow nice to know theres a trace of my existence somewhere in this world, when this thread is archived maybe ill stop existing and just disappear, its the only connection i still have to this world.
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No.41386
Photobucket send me email of inactivity so I check my old pic. Apparently back then less than 6 months of browsing 4chan already drove me nuts that I quit twice in 6 months.
>randomly visiting /kind/
>rozen maiden banner
For fucks sake. I want to hate this series for ruining my life. Now I'm a board owner in 8chan who only promote stuff around instead of enjoying posting inside it. I can't hold my life together among all things I do, I want to cry everytime I remember how 'fun' used to be. While promoting I get sad after everyone sound interested in how my board sound but stops after I share 8chan link.
(I'm blowing some steam here, not to bait people to go to 8chan. Good boards are dead town there and my board is already covered by 8kun /a/)
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No.41387
I miss 2015. Everyone was on the original 8chan and it was still our imageboard, rather than a place for qboomers. Hotwheelz was still in charge and hadn't betrayed us. /kind/ was one of the top 50 most active boards /feel9k/ hosted what was left of the Ohayou threads. Demochan existed for a few glorious weeks.Many other boards were active that are either dead or completely lost now.
It's not good to dwell on the past, I know, but it's difficult when everything I do online nowadays feels like a paltry imitation of what I was doing six years ago.Maybe that's what it means to grow old, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.
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