/strek/ - Star Trek

>>18916

>Cardassians not having the style they should.

Please come by my shop when you have the time, I'll be more than happy to show you the latest trends on Cardassia.

FRESH OC

>>18937

I'm so glad that you finally found a calling you could excel at Elim. Although I note that your produce tends to reflect a more Bajoran artistic sensibility, I know that the more patriotic Cardassian styles require a little more skill with the needle, but surely it's worth taking a little extra time to hone your skills.

>>19114

Why thank you, Skrain. That's high praise coming from you; all of Cardassia is acquainted with your exquisite taste in all things Bajoran, after all.

>>19120

I honestly thought you were above such false equivalencies Elim. I was in command of a military facility with a grand total of no Cardassian women assigned to serve there, you know that the military has always been all but exclusively male. Now, whilst you may have always shown a striking degree of flexibility in such situations I had a need for female company, and there was only one type of such company available. This is a far cry from your own lack of sartorial taste.

Then again I would expect a man disowned by his own father to possess no understanding of either the finer points of a brown blooded Cardassian mans sexuality, or the subtle nature of class in ones dress. It would probably be best for you to go back to your pointless flirting with that human doctor you seem so fond of, it will do you more good than your tailors play shop.

>>19129

You disappoint me, Dukat. A true Cardassian would put the vows he made to his wife before the baser urgings of the flesh. Or are we to become like the Federation libertines, rushing headlong to Risa or the holosuites at the faintest tug of our libidos?

I changed the hands to be more Cardassian,

>>19159

Come now Damar, of course you have to save face in your new role as the 'HERO OF THE GLORIOUS CARDASSIAN REBELLION!' but I remember your actions on Terok Nor. I wonder what your wife would say if she knew that the man she married, and the father of her children, was just as base a libertine as I apparently must be. Granted you took at least some of your pleasure from the alleged Kanar sold by that little Ferengi weasel, but you hardly have clean hands in this discussion.

>>19165

>>19159

>>19129

>>19120

>>19114

>>18937

Never leave this board, you glorious autists.

Mommy, daddy, they're fighting again!

>>19168

Now now, human child, there's no need to concern yourself in the affairs of adults. Cardassian social interactions follow different rules to the … less developed human norms you are becoming accustomed to. Now, if you run along home and promise to learn more from your father than from your mother then there's a lovely glass of hot fish juice in it for you.

>>19168

- breaks a smile -

{obsidian order watching over her for the rest of her life}

>>19159

>>19165

>>18937

Gentlemen, please! this is a civil establishment, surely it's unbecoming of men of such standing to bicker like tellarite politicians. if there's one thing ive learned from the federation, it's that it's far better to save the squabbling until after ordering a few rounds of drinks. Now.. Kanar anyone?

>>19194

HEY JAKEOO, YOU WANT TO PLAY BASEBALL?

>>19208

The man said Kanar, hu-mahn. Not root beer.

>>19211

>>19208

You know, Sisko, he'll learn much more from a good game of Kotra or even watching an average Vole fight. This human 'baseball' seems a tedious sport that teaches very little beyond basic hand eye coordination. I'd be happy to lend you a few good books on Cardassian parenting strategies if you'd be interested; I understand it will be harder for you without your father, grandfather and great grandfather being present to assist, but I'm sure you'll muddle through.

>>19301

Then tell me, DuKHAT; where in your books does it suggest murdering your own daughter to avoid embarrassment? I think you are the last person I should be taking parenting advice from. Now if you don't mind, I have important work to do in your old office.

>>19307

That should be our board motto.

>>19303

I'm so glad you asked Commander. I very rarely get a good chance to discuss proper parenting, as other Cardassians understand the topic so well. As for the advice on the correct way to … ensure that your daughter does not cause undue political embarrassment that's implied regularly throughout the Never Ending Sacrifice, and many other repetitive epics; it is most strongly praised in Meditations on a Crimson Shadow. You think me callous, don't you Sisko. I'm the Cardassian monster who laughed as he slaughtered innocent Bajorans. But I tell you now that I loved Tora, as only a father can love his child. Whilst it was of course important to minimise the risk that her very existence posed to the state it was also the kindest act I could take as a father. She was strong enough to recover from the suffering caused by her experiences as a captive of the Breen, but the insidious, heartless, lies of he Federation and Bajorans would have broken her spirit and turned her against her own family. Would you allow your enemies to do that to Jake? What father could allow such a future for a child that he loved?

>>19329

Correct me if I am wrong, but I thought the point of the Never Ending Sacrifice is that the sins of the Son are inherently the sins of the Father, and as such it is the responsibility of the father to deal with their wrongdoings themselves rather than try to project their fate upon their descendants. The whole point of these repetitive epics is that the cycle must be broken by those who commit the crie, not those who years later who pay for it. So,Duka't it is you that must deal with your past, not your daughter. Regardless, I must be on my way: a patient has presented with the most peculiar form of intraspacial pathogen I have ever seen and I believe I am close to a breakthrough. Good day Duka't.

>>19342

Oh, Doctor, I cannot think of a more human response; you really should consider expanding your cultural horizons. Why, I remember when I was on Romulus - as a gardener of course - when I gave this charming young Romulan boy a copy of Paean to Kunderah and he was convinced that it was a description of how the state should manipulate its citizens! The very thought of it! Anyway, I was wondering when I would next see you at the replomat, there is a Boolean freighter docking with the station in a number of days and I believe that the captain has some VERY interesting business that might interest you. I'm sure you take my meaning, my dear doctor.

>>19343

Well if I recall correctly, you told me Hamlet was about the weakness of the Danish succession system rather than the will of man to want power, but that is besides the point. I would recommend to Duka't that you read an old Earth Novel: Nineteen-Eighty-Four, it deals with much of the ideals you hold dear and criticise them in the manner they should be so: especially those of relationships and child rearing

As for you Garak, you know I am never one to turn down your offers of an interesting experience, pray do tell me more of this Boolean captain.

>>19346

Ah, I believe I encountered a copy of that book a while ago. Reading it provided me with a handy way to fill an otherwise boring evening. Tell me Doctor, is that really how you view the Cardassian Union? The abandonment of family and such wasteful and inefficient surveillance systems. I can't imagine what sort of shudder would run through an Obsidian Order agent who even considered using such obvious devices as those 'telescreens', they'd be in a great deal of trouble with their superiors as well. The creation of fictional enemies also seemed rather wasteful, and the sheer level of inefficient and unwarranted hatred on display was shocking. Do you honestly believe Cardassia is so poorly run Doctor? I can't believe i'm saying this, but you wound me, I thought that Starfleet believed in accepting cultural differences, not condemning other peoples based on your own ignorant assumptions.

>>19349

Oh Garak, you et me wrong. You see in Earth literature, it is a common theme to take element that are normal in society and amplify them to rather extreme extents to prove a point: this is called a "parable". I am not suggesting this is the manner that the Cardassian Union is run, but in fact the effect if one took the nature of how the union operates to an extreme level. You see in Human history and literature, it is only possible to see the wrongs in our society if said wrongs are amplified and blown up to an extreme extent. Nineteen-Eighty-Four is meant to be a critique of what we call a "totalitarian society", one that many humans would describe Cardasia as, and one that shows its flaws to an extreme extent to highlight them. I understand it is often difficult for Cardassians to understand this "hyperbole", as we all it, because your narratives rely on repetition of the same situations but you see humans often only see our faults when they are over exaggerated and put into plain view. Regardless, I do not see Cardassia as the "Oceania" of Nineteen-Eighty-Four, just reminiscent in certain characteristics; the same characteristics that were visible on earth in the early and mid 20th century in various governments.

However, I do recommend you read the Klingon novel "The Fall of T'kokhnar"; it tells of the fall of a tyrant who relies on his intelligence services who eventually turn on him and replace him. I imagine you may personally enjoy the tale of his spymasters, but it says a lot about modern Cardassian society.

>>19350

Oh, my dear Doctor, I'm glad that you're finally coming around. It took you a little longer than I had expected but I am glad that you're starting to realise that in order to find flaws in Cardassian society you need to exaggerate far beyond reality. It's one of the marks of less developed societies to indulge in this 'hyper-bowl', but I suppose that you've come a long way in the last few centuries. As for Klingon literature I find it a little too overblown. All that obsession with personal honour and the strength of their warriors breaks any sense of immersion that I normally find from a good book. I also find it hard to believe that those oafs in the KIIA would be able to manage something as complicated as a coup, the Obsidian Order realised a while ago that they cause more problems than they solve anyway. It's much simpler to let something like the Detapa Council handle the administrative busywork and to just guide them in the more important matters.

>>19352

Oh the Obsidian Order realised it is easier to control Cardassia from the shadows? It sounds like you have some quite personal knowledge about that; bit strange for a gardener-turned-tailor, no?

>>19384

My dear Doctor, I'm sure I've mentioned this a few times before but you hear SO many interesting things whilst hemming shirts and weeding flowerbeds. Now, as for Klingon literature, whilst I do find it to be generally tedious there was a very interesting new piece that I heard is being written at this very moment. It's a politically charged work, detailing the dishonourable conduct of a senior Klingon military official and the potential impact of his private dealings with Ferengi land speculators on the course of the Empire as a whole. A truly fascinating story.

>>19352

> I am glad that you're starting to realise that in order to find flaws in Cardassian society you need to exaggerate far beyond reality

Well that’s certainly true now, Cardassian, after the Founders did the quadrant the great service of bombarding Cardassia Prime into ashes. They let me out just in time for the attack on Cardassia Prime, you know. I toured the wreckage with Sisko and did my best to keep a straight face. Finally O’Brien and I went around a corner and just laughed our heads off for maybe thirty minutes straight. That night we sang old war songs and drank scotch until finally O’Brien started weeping uncontrollably about the ‘real horrors being at home.’ Not sure what that was about but he couldn’t kill my good mood.

What’s left of your home planet does have a certain beauty to it, in that way that ash, wreckage, and latrines among ruins captivates the imagination. I look around and I see pools, parks, and statues of great men like Captain Jellico. Of course I’ve volunteered to be part of the rebuiling efffort. The Federation is going to help you, simple feeble victims, to become a proper and functioning society. We will add your distinctiveness to our own. I’m going to make sure we have plenty of root beer on hand. To give out to the Cardassian children, you understand, so long as they bring us all the taspar eggs they can find. Those things are good, especially with tabasco sauce. Maybe some enterprising Ferengi will open a chain on earth and call it Gul Tastee’s Victory Eggs.

You know the funny thing, Cardassian? If Picard had let me board that stupid ship, we would have pushed your shit in before the Dominion even got a chance to do it. We’d have probably stopped at a dozen systems or so, enough for the Obsidian Order to collapse and maybe some other backward group to take control after a few decades of infighting. But you’d still have a culture and dignity. I need to send Picard a gift or something.

>>19459

You'll find that it takes a little more than root beer and Taspar eggs to quench the fire, Star Fleet. If you can turn a man rejected by his own people back into a patriot then all manner of things are possible.

and now I just want to watch a properly made Trek series set during the rebuilding of Cardassia where the federation is confronted with an insurgency run by trained special ops teams rather than angry border farmers. If it was intelligently written that could be a fascinating piece, particularly is SF officers started acting and talking like your post.

we're never going to get that, are we

>>19463

>any new Star Trek series

>set after DS9/Voyager

>>19463

let me tell you a little story, Cardassian. After Earth's second world war, we unleashed our most feared weapon of all time. mercy. You see, when you show mercy to a former enemy and help them rebuild, they become clay in your hands.

And before they knew it, they wore out clothes, ate our food and told our jokes like it was nothing. And Cardassia prime has shortages of everything. food, clothes…humour. Do you see where i'm going with this?

>>19472

Oh Dear Boy, you have no idea how good it is to see you blossom into manhood. Joined up with a nice little uniform and ideals and everything. You always were so helpful and positive. Do you remember the few times when I managed to get us out of sight of that monstrous mechanized misguided moron and you used to help me get sweet sweet release? Do you still get the nightmares where you imagine me crushing your supple young form beneath my adult girth. You always were a good lad. How I miss you down here in Hell. Oh the pain! Oh the pain of it all!

>>19472

You still don't understand, do you Star Fleet. You are now the second alien force that has attempted to crush our people into servitude. If you had simply left us as friends it could have brought about a peaceful coexistence between the Federation and the Cardassian Union. Instead you decided to try to corrupt us and take the culture we had fought, suffered, killed, and died for away from us. Cardassia may not be in a state to win a straight up ground war for the time being, but there is still more than enough will and expertise (reinforced by the experience of Damars revolutionary forces) to fight whoever will try to take our independence and culture from us. You do understand that everyone sees through your worst lie as soon as you say it. Even the most backwards Pakled rolls his eyes when you say "we come in peace".

>This entire thread

Each time I browse this thread in the morning I smile.

Excuse me what is going on in this thread?

>>19480

In this thread a number of Cardassian and Star Fleet Officers are having a frank and open exchange of opinions, it's a stimulating and healthy diplomatic exchange. It began as two old … colleagues lightly poking fun at each other but then took a somewhat darker tone once Star Fleets less genetically advanced personnel weighed in with their ill informed anger and presumptuous assumptions. I can tell you, as a man who served Cardassia and the Cardassian people for more years than you can remember that Cardassia will one day be free again. If the Dominion working with Breen and Jem Hadar could not break us then a group of humans who shudder even at the thought of an efficient justice system will not manage to achieve much.

>>19476

It is funny to hear Cardassians talk about living together in peace. Your culture is incapable of peace. The very second you get the chance you’ll show up with those smug smiles telling your lies, and the bureaucrats back in San Francisco will eat it up as you -again- start building up forces along our borders. Millions of innocents will die, again. Every one of those weirdos on Betazed would be alive if Picard had just listened to me.

That’s why we’re going to improve your culture. Fix it, and fix you, the same way you fix any kind of dangerous animal. I’ll see to it you cutlery-skulled monsters never threaten the peace again. And when…wait…Dukat? Is that you? Why do you have mutton chops? What the hell are you wearing?

>>19481

>a group of humans who shudder even at the thought of an efficient justice system will not manage to achieve much.

Hello, I am a nondescript starfleet officer but I just want to say you have this absolutely correct. The Federation will not engage in extrajudicial murder, certainly not anything like a genocide with a biological weapon. After all, have we ever been caught doing any so grotesque? Imagine if the Federation had an intelligence service so good at what it does no one knows it exists. Ridiculous, I know. We’re the bubbly, happy, cloying Federation.

>>19120

>>19482

Looking back at the history of the relations between our people your view is clearly mired in your own propaganda, prejudice, and inability to deal appropriately with the rigours and stress of command. The Federation made the first moves by expanding aggressively into Cardassian space whilst constructing military and surveillance facilities in positions that were carefully chosen to cause economic turmoil in the Cardassian Union. We tried to resolve the situation diplomatically. When that failed we attempted to remove the threat covertly with minimal violence. When it became clear that these colonies were the first step of an invasion we realised our only hope for survival was to strike preemptively at your Setlik III facilities. Hiding military assets amongst your civilians was a foul move that could only have been taken by Star Fleet. Even the Ferengi would baulk at the thought of using their wives and children as body armour, but not you Captain. You put your children inside your warships and then feign horror when they are injured in the wars you start.

The sad thing is that we would be happy to deal with you as equals, but your Federation arrogance forces you to look down your nose as you condescend your way through life. You are the greatest threat to peace in the Alpha Quadrant.

>>19488

Forgot my picture, sorry

>>19489

>character post

>forgets to attach picture

>attaches picture and apologizes out of character

>ruins dubs

you had one job, retard, but because i like this thread i'll give you some advice: next time just type (cont.) and compose a few more lines in-character and add the picture. You ruined my immersion.

>>19491

>Out of character

Look buddy. I’m not so good with computers. I spent three decades as a prison warden in twentieth century earth due to a botched mission I can’t discuss. I barely even remember how to use the goddamn three seashells anymore.

I made a mistake and I owned up to it because I’m a starfleet captain. I’m just sadly inept sometimes with these computers you can’t talk to.

>>19488

>Your own aide-the one standing near your shoulder-admitted the attack was an ‘error’

Is that how Star Fleet records report that conversation, Maxwell .. or Picard, or whoever? Next you'll be telling me that the records submitted from Dee - Ess - 9 show Gul Dukat confirming that Bajoran Lightship myth. Come now captain, it is a nonsensical story thought up by mindless labourers in the attempt to make their own lives more bearable. From what I could find of your history it is equivalent to the story of a man called 'Yakub' as told by a particular sub-species of humanity (I minored in 'Inferior/Non-Cardassian Cultures' at the University of Cardassia). Humans have a history of promoting and inventing 'alternative facts' and claiming that 'their truth' is actually a valid reflection of reality. Your claims that we are the most feared force in the Alpha Quadrant is … flattering, but ridiculous. We only ever wanted to live calmly, peacefully, and traditionally within our own space. It wasn't until your Star Fleet began expanding into our sphere of influence and specifically targeting resource extraction sites and transport colonies that we were forced to take our most aggressive move for centuries and enter a war with you. From what you are saying it would seem that Star Fleet has 'lost' the records of our attempts to resolve the situation peacefully. It seems that Federation archivists are in dire need of assistance! They constantly lose all evidence of anything unfitting you have done! Cardassians bear their mistakes nobly! Accepting that you must admit to your faults before you can mend them! ANY CARDASSIAN CHILD COULD TELL YOU THAT, CAPTAIN!!

For a species known primarily for their deceit you have reached a new low captain. Your upcoming bloody and humiliating expulsion from Cardassian space will no doubt be recorded as a glorious victory by your historians. Where the noble Star Fleet simply chose to withdraw and go home for … some reason.

>>19492

competent save, anon. quite satisfactory.

>>19515

>From what I could find of your history it is equivalent to the story of a man called 'Yakub' as told by a particular sub-species of humanity

IT’S REAL! IT’S ALL REAL!

>>19212

>>19485

You wouldn't be thinking of breaking the law on my station, would you?

>>19533

‘Your’ station? You Founders do tend to like to claim things in the Alpha Quadrant, don’t you?

>>19537

He is a Founder, human. Your station, your world, and this entire quadrant along with all its inhabitants are his birth right. You would do well to remember that.

>>19537

My station, yes. I've done better job of security than any man (or klingon) you've tried to replace me with, so I think I can call it my posting. On the subject of presumptions, you "nondescript" people seem to think the law doesn't apply to you. You're lucky to not be sneering me from inside an observation tank, on suspicion of being up to your usual "cloak-and-dagger" antics.

>>19544

…Hmmph. I wonder if my…family made you capable of restraint. I could use new deputies. Tell me, can you disable multiple suspects without killing them?

>>19550

We are Jem Hadar! Birthed to serve you! If it is your will then we shall restrain every inhabitant of this station whilst only causing non-fatal injuries.

>>19551

"We." So you mean to tell me there are more of you "rogue Jem'hadar" willing to serve on this station. …I could get used to that.

Odo to Sisko, if you're done wailing at the holodeck for some event long before even Dax was alive, I have something to discuss with you in docking arm 3. Some Jem'hadar have a useful proposal for us.

This station will be running better than when it was called Terok Nor… and none of you nondescripts will ever lay hands on it again.

This is Captain Frasier Crane of the USS Tossed Salads and Scrambled Eggs. We were blown across space by a confrontation with an angry malevolent entity called Lilith and our chronometers and stellar cartography are massively off. We have no idea how far or long we’ve drifted. Is this still Seattle on stardate 1997?

>>19558

I am First. I command a force of 30 Jem Hadar at your pleasure, Founder. I am loathe to correct you but we are not rogues. My men and I were sent by a Vorta, and were told to inform you that 'your parents are worried that you might be lonely, so they sent you some pets and will supply you with ketracel on a regular basis'. I have no understanding of this message, BUT AS JEM HADAR I NEED ONLY TO OBEY!

>This entire thread

I find the intricacies of cross species shitposting rather fascinating. Please continue while I observe.

>>19591

Doctor … Phlox, I hear that Denobulan women are something, special. Would, you, be … able to introduce me to one? Your daughters, maybe?

>>19685

Alright, that’s it.

This is always how it starts. You start sniffing out some weird alien lady friends. Little Tiberius decides he wants to have some fun and next thing I know, you’re in Sick Bay whimpering at me while I’m trying to cure a pandemic on some goddamn planet or another: “Oh Bones, it feels like my dick’s on fire.” “Oh, Bones, I think I got a klingon fang in my taint and it’s infected.” “Oh Bones, this itch is killing me.” “Oh Bones, I swear I thought it was a girl.”

Well I’ve had it! Damn it Jim, I can’t keep fixing you every goddamn time you catch a VD! I’ve used so much rocksalt killing crabs in your public hair it’s rusting out the fucking command chair. This syringe is the last bit of penicillin on the Enterprise. We had a supply for twenty years!

I’m prescribing a hose to spray cold water on you. Or hit you with. It depends on what I think will work better, if anything will. There’s only so much I can do, Jim. I’m a Doctor, not a condom.

>>19691

God, damn it, Bones! Just … do, your, damn job! I came, out here, to go where no, man, has gone before! If, little Tiberius, can't … break, the, ice, then what's the damn point in, any, of this? You're the … damned, doctor, so find some more penicillin. I think I need another, shot, after negotiations with the Pakled, representatives. She certainly, Pak'd, herself full of Jim. Oh Yeah!

>>19707

ARE YOU A REAL CARDASSIAN?

>>20658

>It's the Obsidian Order Agents Anons that make it great.

Come now, surely you aren't praising those idiots. Need I remind you that it was the Obsidian Order (working with the Romulans no less!) who staged the atrociously mismanaged attack on the Founders home-world, the failure of which escalated the inter-quadrant tensions turning a distrustful peace into an out and out war - leading to the deaths of billions. All because they did not trust the Central Command and Detapa Council. Now, a mistrust of the Detapa Council is only sensible in day to day politics, but in a decision this large they play a useful role.

>>20674

Guls talk shit

Guls get hit

>>20674

>>21372

Maybe he's a hue nog?

I am surprised nobody has ever made a patriotic Cardassian poster before.

>>21722

I had a look for others

Came across these.

This is more autism than I can handle in a single sitting. I was expecting to just spout some shit about Romulan Ale and be done with it, but apparently not.

>>21748

It seems to be fairly thin on the ground, this was the best I could find.

>>21842

Bajoran pussy always gave me the impression it would taste like the middle east. If it's not dry or sandy, it's greasy and oily.

Best pussy in the galaxy is pic related, only people who denies it are a bunch of slack jawed faggots.

>>21869

The Trek formula for alien race genitalia is

What is on their forehead=what their vagoo looks like

Therefore it's an established scientific truth. Pakled pussy=best pussy in the galaxy.

>>21871

>What is on their forehead=what their vagoo looks like

So what you're saying is Gowron is a trap.

>>22275

>Thread of Dukat eating out Hasparat

I am weirdly OK with this idea, and I don't think I like that.

>>22440

He's the hero the Alpha Quadrant deserves, but not the one it needs right now.

>>22620

>I feel like they designed the Cardassians as a 2-3 episode kind of aliens in TNG

… at least they dropped the thong helmets

Marc Alaimo as Gul Thonghead

>>22637

They were designed to look predatory and scary, as a designated bad guy species usually is. I think they did a better job with the Cardassians than the Klingons or Romulans with that, reptilian traits seem to work better than forehead ridges.

>would still have a Cardie gf tho

We all would, Anon, we all would.

FOR CARDASSIA!

He really did nothing wrong.

So who's the worst race in Star Trek? I nominate the Asians.

>>32907

>feelers