Hello anons, fellow seeker of Life here.
It seems to me like we live in a paradoxical world, in which we have no say over the creation of our existence, no say over the determination of the biological factors which shape our minds, and no proper say over the finding of meaning and fulfilment. I've dabbled with existentialism, structuralism, spiritualism, rationalism, and many of the forms they take. I know there is much I don't understand, and much more I haven't looked at or pondered. I have come to a few conclusions about life, beauty, and truth, but I have the recurring feeling like many of those conclusions, much of the wisdom I hold is self-referential and circular. I believe that the fundamental "graph of life" is an upward oscillation of "good", and not an exponentiality though it may look like that from very close. I know that I wish to, atleast and like everyone else, "feel" free, but I also know that "feeling free" is not the same as "being free". I wish to be free and know it as best I can, not feel free and believe it to be real.
In short, I want to become what I am, and I wish for that to be divine. I know hybris is dangerous, but I also know that calling out hybris is not enough to guard you from it. I know I don't believe in determinism, but I believe that determinism is real if it is believed.
I wish, or believe to wish to satisfy my ego or "will to power", to ultimately ascend into apotheosis. Not immediately, but eventually (whenever that eventuality arises). Why do I wish to become one god, one among many? Because I believe it to be my birthright to know what "all this stuff" is about. I don't believe in the inherent cruelty of Life, because I know the opposite exists, namely the good, the true, and the beautiful.
I know I have to play the game to "win", and I have sort of a grasp on how to play it, namely "playing it true", but I don't know which game really to play, because I think most of the games one is presented with are more or less distractions, many of which, I feel like, were created by those who are playing "the real game".
Having recognized that there is "the real game", I call it Life proper, where do I find the table of players to play it with? In geopolitics? In my own personal relations? In religion and spirituality? I would answer in all of those things and more. However that recognition of the vastness of Life isn't enough to "understand" the vastness of Life, or Life itself.
I wish to understand, for understanding is intelligence, and intelligence is the language of gods.
Enlighten me, fellow children and future gods.