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/pen/ - A Place to Create and Critique

Writing and reviewing ink pens and political literature
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Welcome to Pen Island
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File: 1427405771439.jpg (82.52 KB, 454x750, 227:375, image.jpg)

 No.276

Posted this on /pol/, first time writing poetry
pls no bully


the chaos of warring tribes
Came one great enemy to unitize
Each tribe held fast each tribe held firm
As great people weathered the storm
Of Roman armies marching forth
To face the might of a united north.
The Goth, German, Gaul, and Celt
Each of their blades the Roman felt
And as Europe's might descended forth
Great Rome fell before the North.

Years passed and kingdoms fell
Each invader met with hell
the power of God was europes might
Christ's banners glowing with Thor's great light
Empires toppled, the Muslims repelled
Fortresses raised, dogma upheld
As Europe's forces swept towards the east
The sultans, shieks and kings deceased
And as Europe's might descended forth
The great east fell before the north.


The years and ages passed away
And with that age came cultural decay
Dogma, morals, art and pride
Through internal strife were sterilized
And as the north lay on its bed
Of death the allies of which it wed
Came forth and smiling struck the blow
To deal the fate that long ago
The north had brought upon itself
By removing standards of cultural health
And as Europe's pride descended forth
Slavery was placed on all the north.

Many people still today
Think that Europe has passed away
but I tell you honest, it is not true
The spirit broken will be renewed
With blood of enemies on the sword
Of German, Celt, and Gaelic horde
And as Europe's might will descend forth
The world will cower before the north.
____________________________
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 No.277

File: 1427418048825.jpg (20.26 KB, 250x300, 5:6, 1426140013936-0.jpg)

>>276
Really good for a first poem. Keep it up.
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 No.297

Pretty good.

One critique is that you're inconsistent. You've got the rhyme down, but not the meter. That's okay, not every poem needs to be in meter. I believe it's good to study meter and grammar, and unless you really know what you're doing it's usually better to stick with tradition. Just think: how many postmodern poems were written in meter? Not very many. They reject what has proven itself to work very well.

>Years passed and kingdoms fell

>The years and ages passed away
>Many people still today

This, along with your use of fell, north, etc., is very repetitious. It's a bit of a crutch to start a stanza based in a new time with "years passed" or "days turned to months to years" that sort of thing.

Repetition can be used well but if it isn't it just makes the poem seem, well, not poetic, and can be monotonous. It can be hard to find ways to describe things without naming it directly, but it's important have that ability. Don't be overly vague though, that's probably worse haha.

Overall I agree with the cat above me: breddy gud 5/5. Practice, study meter, read poetry, and you can get better.
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 No.298

>>297

Oh and if it wasn't clear you need to write poetry too. That's really the most important part to getting better: developing your technical ability.

That is one thing I believe to be fundamentally wrong with postmodernism: that little value is placed on technical skill, and more on "how it makes you feeeel"; whether it can shock the reader, or make the reader happy. Art is more than a means to pleasure. It isn't just an expression of one man's emotions. I don't know what it is, but I know it's meant to be beautiful.
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 No.311

[quietly donates unique IP]
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