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File: 1423143692760.jpg (584.94 KB, 1052x600, 263:150, 2084.jpg)

 No.23

(Will bump with pdf)

So I've had a scifi/fantasy conspiracy novel floating around in my head for years. Last January I penned this chapter to use as a prologue. There's not much action but I felt that it was better than the other introductions/chapter one's that I tried.

The scope of the novel ballooned significantly since I started writing it, though progress has been slow since I maybe have 20 mins. a day to work on it. The premise of the entire story is this:

> Journalist unknowingly stumbles upon a massive scandal involving private military corporations and elements of the CIA

> Journalist craves attention and recognition, but gets more than she bargained for when these things do come
> Initially publishes a rather mundane story on her blog which is picked up by other media and later, a photograph she posted (provided by her source) becomes the focus of much scrutiny because it purportedly shows a convicted murderer – who is supposed to be in a military prison – as an employee of the company
> Strange things start happening almost immediately, and the person who broke the story disappears. The journalist herself becomes increasingly paranoid; it becomes more and more obvious that she is being watched and followed (and this is a deliberate strategy from the agencies and corporations harassing her; a tactic called “bumper locking”); trying to cause extreme fear and paranoia, and eventually a mental breakdown
> Blackstarr PMC is gradually implicated in a massive corruption scandal and many of their nefarious activities are revealed. Reporters start disappearing and important bankers/financial industry people start dying mysteriously
> The government and military-industrial complex, along with big pharma, are gradually implicated as well; as it is revealed that Blackstarr's behind-the scenes criminal operations and its practice of securing convicted criminals to work in important positions are merely part of a network of CIA front groups

The twist:
In a "conspiracy within a conspiracy," Blackstarr and its employees are actually (unbeknownst to them) the victims of a much larger secret experimentation program; unwittingly helping to beta-test pharmaceuticals and technology for use in applications relating to artificial reality, artificial intelligence, and mind control.

There is yet another overall, larger narrative to this story as well which has elements of a scifi/fantasy epic; in which the story of what this company has been up to takes center stage. It's become a massive story in my mind; this initial piece I have offered is merely one of a thousand angles I could open it from.

So… what do you think of the proposed prologue? What's wrong with it? What needs improving? Should I scrap it altogether?

Notes:
> I name-dropped Drudge Report but in the tiny chance that this were to be published, I’d make up another name.
> There is a conspicuous lack of specific dates (the year the story takes place is not mentioned). I hadn’t decided on a final timeline for the story and merely threw in the dates mentioned as stand-ins. The general setting is in the near future (perhaps five to ten years).
____________________________
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 No.24

File: 1423143760105.pdf (90.92 KB, prologue_conspiracystory_u….pdf)

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 No.31

>>24
Well written, I like it a lot. Would love to see more parts posted.
If I was you, I would wait until we get more users on here so more people see your work.
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 No.35

>>24
I like it, love the idea too. It'd be great to see it develop. Though I agree with >>31. Maybe wait until there are more users on here until you unveil it completely.
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 No.74

>>23
>>24
>Should I scrap it altogether?

No, I like it so far but I don't like the Blackstarr name. I like my PMC's to be more low key, fancy, innocent kind of name without sounding cutesy but means something.

incruentatus (latin) = Inkrentatus Private Assets Protection Group

Meaning not stained with blood.

That's just my two cents from a bored/drunk non native English speaker
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 No.76

>>23
This is well written and I think you should continue with it. There is a good amount of description when it comes to the settings; The Blade building could be easily pictured.
However, from reading the opening paragraphs, I got this lighthearted, jovial tone from it. Is this story meant to be humorous or more serious, because your synopsis suggests that this story is something sinister.
Also, what do the characters look like?
I would also suggest "showing, not telling". Instead of telling us what Chris thinks, maybe show the reader through her habits and other quirks.

Overall pretty good stuff.
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 No.77

>>76
>However, from reading the opening paragraphs, I got this lighthearted, jovial tone from it. Is this story meant to be humorous or more serious, because your synopsis suggests that this story is something sinister.

I have been thinking about that. My goal initially was to start off more lighthearted and gradually take a more sinister tone, but I've since realized that's not a good idea. I'm currently rewriting this; expanding it a bit and giving it a darker tone to eliminate the "dishonesty" to the reader.

>Also, what do the characters look like?

I would also suggest "showing, not telling". Instead of telling us what Chris thinks, maybe show the reader through her habits and other quirks.

Yes these areas need more development as well. Such personal descriptions are admittedly a stumbling block of mine because it's extremely hard to present them in a way that isn't jarring or cheesy.
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 No.78

>>74
Interesting. I'll play with this idea.
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 No.80

>>77
Nice dubs.
It's good that you're taking my advice though. However, if you did want to transition from lighthearted to scary, I would suggest stretching it out a bit, maybe starting with an opening scene of Chris' job; show that she's normal and that she became sucked into this crazy world by trying to write an article about Blackstarr.
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 No.85

this is awesome! keep up the good work man
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 No.108

You've certainly got skill, and the premise has potential. I hope you continue to work on this.
I hope to see some subtle parallels in this story that relate to the current state of affairs.
While there is room to refine your writing style, you're of to a good start. Perhaps once you've got the initial draft written you can go over it. It's already showing promise, and I find it compelling.

I enjoy your references to the board culture and general cynical outlook we have on here. It will go over most people's heads if they are not familiar with the references, but it reads well whether or not the references are understood. Readers here will appreciate the references.

>>76
I agree about "showing and not telling."
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 No.163

I disagree with previous reviewers. This reads like young adult detective fiction. The narrative scope is extremely limited and linear, being almost completely nothing more than the main character's observations. The fact that there is next to nothing but dialogue and lacking themes, messages, or etc reveals the female sex of the author, and the seeming pro-SJW slant is unfavorable. This is not the kind of inspiring or well-written story that necessary.
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 No.307

>>163
I completely agree with this post.
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 No.309

>>163
I agree. I think the author should try to make the story a little bit more "big picture", so to speak.
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