[ / / / / / / / / / / / / / ] [ dir / random / bane / clang / hentai / htg / loomis / mde / pone / rule34 ]

/pen/ - A Place to Create and Critique

Writing and reviewing ink pens and political literature
Name
Email
Subject
Comment *
File
Password (Randomized for file and post deletion; you may also set your own.)
Archive
* = required field[▶ Show post options & limits]
Confused? See the FAQ.
Embed
(replaces files and can be used instead)
Oekaki
Show oekaki applet
(replaces files and can be used instead)
Voice recorder Show voice recorder

(the Stop button will be clickable 5 seconds after you press Record)
Options

Allowed file types:jpg, jpeg, gif, png, webm, mp4, pdf
Max filesize is 16 MB.
Max image dimensions are 15000 x 15000.
You may upload 5 per post.


Welcome to Pen Island
Our pen is big
Political discussion is allowed by default. This board is SFW

Is It Wet Yet?


File: 1424201708023.jpg (31.02 KB, 299x374, 299:374, 1417384364867.jpg)

b22d67  No.112

What do you think of my short story /pol/? Anything I need to change before entering it to every single short story competition on the web?

http://pastebin.com/hZ5f4Kpt
____________________________
Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

b22d67  No.113

Ok.OP I liked the first half it was good it actually spoke to me.though in the rest I think you're a tad too descriptive.

Now on the second half…I honestly have no words to describe this,I mean it's great but also fairly ridiculous at the same time.(no offense I liked it but I honestly think English lacks the proper term for it)

And really?youre going to quote from batman?fucking batman?!

But other than that go ahead and post it everywhere you wish.its not a half bad idea to redpill,though might I suggest adding "for yours is the greatest story never told" somewhere near the end. kind of give them a directional push
Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

b22d67  No.116

>>112
good but i agree no batman
Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

b22d67  No.117

File: 1424286525356.gif (998.84 KB, 500x400, 5:4, 1422282696318.gif)

>>112
> Click on link
> First line: "My Struggle…"

Love it already.
Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

b22d67  No.122

File: 1424357745294.jpg (328.07 KB, 900x1334, 450:667, 1424261422357.jpg)

>>112
Really well written, loved the beginning, but i feel like the second half should be seen as a dream, or something. I would love to read more adventures! What happens to the dog?

btw, the batman quote was really lame. fitting, but lame..
Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

b22d67  No.130

>>113
The second half is silly, but it's decent story telling. The story isn't serious; it works well to express its ideas through satire.
Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

b22d67  No.150

File: 1424540756264.jpg (20.01 KB, 262x481, 262:481, 93.jpg)

>>130

OP here.

I was going for a multi layered approach, keeping the first half strictly descriptive narrative whilst peppering it with NS and German references to add some ironic foreshadowing.

Once the reader has engaged with the compelling first half of the story, naturally they will be curious and interested and want to read more. Then the second half slips into /pol/ mode, it seems ridiculous, 'but the story is good, he must be making some sort of point right?' so the reader reads on.

The story is now in full satire swing, a mixture of genuine redpill and insight, with unadulterated trolling of normal views and normal opinions. Each line gets more and more ridiculous, but the reader has to finish it now, no matter what they think about the subject matter

Once the reader reaches the end, there is no proper conclusion to the narrative, open ended to keep the reader thinking, but the redpill has been imparted. The result will not be instant, but with time the reader will be able to separate the trolling from the redpill insight, and only then will they truly understand the value of this redpill.

I will rewrite some of it and post it here, I agree the batman quote is very cheesy and gay, so I will see what I can do about rewriting it into some sort of dream sequence, just to keep the narrative a bit more grounded and readable for normies.

Will post more later, glad you all enjoy :)
Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

b22d67  No.151

File: 1424541352559.jpg (11.89 KB, 234x320, 117:160, 178.jpg)

OP here, the last 6-7 paragraphs changes were made to suit the flow of the story better.

http://pastebin.com/wJS7dSB3

Tell me what you think.
Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

b22d67  No.160

The first third drags on and is rather boring. It is useless in and of itself, and only attempts to establish things that are referenced later on in the true story. This background information is unnecessary, because it is all axiomatic and understood. The reader does not need to sympathize with your situation because they live it themselves. Omit this portion and your story will be much stronger. You can reference your dog without having to provide this background information at all.

Simply make the entire story the glorification of the Leader. I would even suggest omitting German and proper names/references to "the Nazis" at all. Remove any focus from yourself and make the Leader the single object of glorification.

Finally, understand what your exact purpose is. Is it to praise the Leader? Is it to inform of NatSoc doctrine and the truth of Hitler's beliefs? Is it meant to comment on our society? Is it just a poetic fantasy with a controversial figure?

The writing during the dream sequence is strong and appropriate. Similar writing in the beginning is out of place and stilted. I almost decided not to read this due to what I saw in the first paragraph, then skipped to the end, realized it was good, and reread it.

My two cents.
Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

b22d67  No.234

File: 1425659527545.jpg (40.71 KB, 580x386, 290:193, 25.jpg)

Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

b22d67  No.278

>>112
Great work OP. I started playing moonlight sonata as soon as you mentioned it and I continued reading. In all honesty, it moved me. ;_;
Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

b22d67  No.296

>>112
I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MYI MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY I MY


Get the picture?
Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

b22d67  No.299

File: 1427977558586.jpg (42 KB, 800x553, 800:553, beach.jpg)

>>151

This really is fantastic, more people should be reading this. This is an intelligent way to troll people, as the first half of the story appeals to everyopne including normies, and the rest is pure unadulterated trolling
Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

b22d67  No.306

File: 1427991536336.jpg (52.44 KB, 500x731, 500:731, 24.jpg)

>>296
I take it you've never read first person reflective narrative before have you?
Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

b22d67  No.308

I made two stories like this. Much shorter, though.

http://pastebin.com/j8D34Liq
http://pastebin.com/f1hbGHVZ
Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

b22d67  No.335

File: 1429352562646.jpg (162.6 KB, 1280x720, 16:9, 16916.jpg)

Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.

b22d67  No.357

File: 1431606918029.png (121.83 KB, 680x497, 680:497, 1421146398252.png)

Disclaimer: this post and the subject matter and contents thereof - text, media, or otherwise - do not necessarily reflect the views of the 8kun administration.



[Return][Go to top][Catalog][Nerve Center][Random][Post a Reply]
[]
[ / / / / / / / / / / / / / ] [ dir / random / bane / clang / hentai / htg / loomis / mde / pone / rule34 ]