/hikki/ - Hikikomori

I never get nostalgia because my life has never been happy at any point.

>>6497

Not really. My past was arguably shittier than my current life, since I was even more incapable of interacting with other people, but I was also forced to go to school. Society would consider that better than my current situation, but that doesn't change the fact that I had to tolerate intolerable situations back then that I don't have to deal with anymore. Also, I actually understand myself, and how other people work, do I don't have to deal with the confusion of not understanding anything. I do miss the 90s and early 2000s, though, just the actual times. Things were a lot more fun back then. The internet really went to shit after the mid 2000s. Well, technology, entertainment and the world in general did. 2008 was a big turning point, that was the point of no return. Maybe the 2008 financial crisis made things even worse than they had to be, but I don't know if things would have been too different if that didn't happen.

>>6539

I feel the same way about almost everything you said. However back then apart from the really shit times I had at school I also had really good times just being a kid afterwards. I lived right across from where I went to school, which had a decently sized yard and playground that I'd go to every night with a neighbor that was a year older, and we'd play with our gameboys in mostly silence or occasional light conversation usually revolving around what we were playing. We also had a small supermarket within walking distance we'd often go to and bought a can of soda and bag of wine gums each for under 1 euro. I used to spend pretty much all of my time outside because my mother used to yell at me whenever I spent too much time on the computer back then. I'd often go for walks and spent time in the nearby forest taking a walk or just relaxing somewhere while listening to the leaves rustle in the wind with a clean, fresh smell all around. These are some of the fondest memories I have of my life. Unfortunately I now live in a city and absolutely hate it. I miss living in a smaller town surrounded by plenty of farm land and nature.

As far as nostalgia goes, it only ever really hits me when I watch comfy anime that often features nature. Hakumei to Mikochi, Mushishi, and Non Non Biyori are pretty good examples of this. Video games with similar comfy vibes do the same thing to me. It makes me want to travel back in time and experience the good bits of my childhood again. And unlike OP I don't feel any nostalgia for any point in my life after ~12 years or so ago when everything pretty much became shit.

The animes I used to watch feel like they were almost my own memories. Does that count??? Other than that, would you consider stockholm syndrome nostalgia as an actual phenomenon?

>>6540

I hate cities too, so I know what it's like. I like nature as well, but my enjoyment of it in real life is limited by the fact that I am a girly man that is terrified of bugs (feel free to judge, I do that myself just for fun, I am perfectly comfortable with the idea that I'm a massive pussy and "not a real man", as they say), so in nature I'm always running away from something. It would be great if it wasn't for that. The idea of relying on nature instead of society really appeals to me, this actually limits what I do quite a bit, now that I think about it. Also, having another encounter with bees would probably kill me. Nothing that a really cold climate couldn't solve, but moving will probably never be an option for me.

>>6548

>I hate cities too, so I know what it's like.

The noise at times is unbearable. Constantly cars passing by, sirens, the odd obnoxiously loud vehicle, and since I'm fairly close to an airport planes. The worst part to me though is how detached everyone is from one another. No one gives a damn about the person next to them and tend to treat others like shit because it's unlikely they'll meet that same stranger twice. I miss living in a community where if you didn't know someone you at least heard about them, which makes for a tightly knit community where everyone helps each other out a little bit even if you don't directly know the person. I truly believe humanity shines in smaller communities that struggle together.

>the fact that I am a girly man that is terrified of bugs

I found that when I was closer to nature bugs didn't bother me and I used to play with or observe them quite a bit. Over the years of living in a city I started becoming scared of them to the point where I'm nearly unable to kill the tiniest of spiders due to fear, I think being around insects and the likes makes you naturally get along with them much better. Also reminding yourself that the vast majority of bugs are completely harmless helps.

>feel free to judge, I do that myself just for fun, I am perfectly comfortable with the idea that I'm a massive pussy and "not a real man", as they say

Being able to laugh at yourself is a good thing imo. I can also relate because it's comical to see a well built 6'4" man freaking out because of a small bug. With that said at most I tease or poke fun, but very rarely judge anyone for anything. After all, perfection in nature doesn't exist.

>The idea of relying on nature instead of society really appeals to me

Me too, but in reality it's a lot harder than you'd think it is. Mother nature is to be feared and respected, otherwise it's likely you get yourself killed if you tried to live innawoods. You could always grow some food yourself if you have the room in your yard. Our neighbors who we share our yard with grow vegetables and herbs every year that they share with us, and let me tell you nothing beats freshly grown food that isn't mass produced. Their apple tree is damn amazing too.

>having another encounter with bees would probably kill me

Allergies? I never could stand those fuckers myself and have always been cautious around them. Luckily never been stung either.

>>6549

True. Even walking is horrible because of the traffic, and the whole city is noisy and smells terrible, and everything is structured assuming that you have a car so it's a really big pain to go anywhere if you don't, and public transportation is crowded and full of noisy people that smell like shit so it was never even an option. Driving is absolutely terrible, but I don't do it anymore (well, I don't leave the house, so of course I don't, but even if I did I still wouldn't do it). I just can't do it, it's way too dangerous, and it's stressful and slow anyway.

>spiders

I like small spiders a little bit (just the tiny ones). They capture small bugs and melt their insides and eat them, that's pretty adorable. I like spiders conceptually because the webs are pretty cool and it's cute that they viciously murder every bug that they can capture. I like that they are creepy killing machines. If they were 2D girls, they would be great waifus (I am perfectly normal!). I can't actually see what the small ones look like in detail because of their size, so I don't mind them too much. They don't fly either, they are never all over the place (they tend to be alone) and generally stay out of the way, so they aren't nearly as bad as bugs, not even close, I don't even bother killing them most of the time, but I would never tolerate a bug like that. Spiders are pretty polite. Bugs are obnoxious, disgusting creatures.

>Me too, but in reality it's a lot harder than you'd think it is.

Not talking about actually living in nature. Mostly just getting resources (not even everything, it would just be nice to rely on it as much as it's possible to without making my life particularly uncomfortable) from it and going back home. Relying on society less would be pretty nice, and I don't think completely losing your wildness is healthy. Completely suppressing your inner caveman is probably not a good thing for the mind. Getting what you want out of nature is harder, but it's simpler, and a lot of the time less mentally exhausting. Society on the other hand is too complicated, even if when it's technically supposed to make things easier, a lot of things end up being a lot more stressful than a lot of manual labor. Needing other people is terrible in general. I hate it.

>Allergies?

Yes. I have been stung before and the first time almost killed me already, and it was only one bee, a second time could be disastrous. I don't think I would survive if I was attacked by many of them at once, and this is a situation that you can easily find yourself in accidentally, in nature.

>>6550

>and the whole city is noisy and smells terrible

Completely forgot about the smell. I moved about 2 years ago from one city to another and the smell here has been much better and cleaner so I don't notice as much and keep my window open for fresh air often, but yeah city air is disgusting. I honestly prefer the smell of animal dung over any city fumes.

>everything is structured assuming that you have a car so it's a really big pain to go anywhere if you don't

My father tried to teach me how to drive once. I almost crashed and never tried again. I still don't have my driver's license. Before I became a hikki and before my bike got stolen, I used to ride that fucker everywhere. Easily the most useful means of transportation when you don't have to travel super far, and even then it's still great for longer distances.

>If they were 2D girls, they would be great waifus

Pic related is the only acceptable spider and would be a contender if I didn't already have a waifu.

>I can't actually see what the small ones look like in detail because of their size

Unfortunately I've seen zoomed in pictures of tiny spiders that were living in a person's ear and that mental image has been burnt into my mind.

>They don't fly either

For some reason whenever I stare at a spider when mustering up the courage to try and kill it, I expect them to jump right at me even though I know they won't. I'm oddly paranoid about the weirdest things for some reason, this and insects living in my ear/head being two of them.

>and generally stay out of the way

If that was the case for me I'd tolerate them as well. I tend to get a lot of spiders in my room when it's not winter/cold and it happens multiple times a year where a spider crawls on my computer screen, near my keyboard, or drops down near my face from the ceiling with its web which scares the shit out of me. If they stayed hidden away in a little corner away from my bed and me in general I'd have no problems. There's this saying in German "Was ich nicht weiß, macht mich nicht heiß" Literally translates to "What I don't know, doesn't make me hot" meaning if you don't know about something it won't bother you. It's one of my favorite sayings and it applies here perfectly.

>Spiders are pretty polite. Bugs are obnoxious, disgusting creatures.

It's the other way around for me. I don't mind most insects nearly as much as spiders unless they're pests/related to filth. Something like cockroaches for example.

>Not talking about actually living in nature

Fair enough, I wasn't sure if that's what you meant or not which is why I included the bit of growing stuff in your own yard.

Nature really does have a lot to offer, it's kind of a shame people don't take advantage of it. As a kid I'd often pick wild blackberries and chestnuts whenever I got hungry, in hindsight not the smartest thing I ever did but it worked out fine. I was one of those odd ones that ate leaves and grass as well.

>Completely suppressing your inner caveman is probably not a good thing for the mind

I totally agree with this. There's a reason why we feel the things we feel and why we crave the things we crave. I still often trust my gut feeling about almost anything and I generally trust what my body tells me. There are a few exceptions to this, but it's worked out fairly well for my overall well being. (excluding the whole hikki business and everything that comes with that of course)

>Needing other people is terrible in general. I hate it.

It wouldn't be so bad if people were more empathetic towards each other, but that's never going to happen unfortunately.

Just to clarify that I mean genuine empathy, not the shallow self gratifying bullshit most SJWs force on others.

>I have been stung before and the first time almost killed me already

That sucks. My brother has mosquito and bee allergies too. There's been times where he was stung near his eye and it swelled up so much it covered his eye to the point he couldn't see out of it. If you're careful enough you should be fine, just remember not to panic and accidentally agitate them. Good luck with hornets though.

I haven't had a conversation this pleasant in a long time, thanks anon

>>6552

>I almost crashed and never tried again.

My first time driving after getting my license was also my first crash. Traffic was really bad and being surrounded by cars and a lot of noise overwhelmed my senses and I panicked until I couldn't even see what I was doing anymore. I tend to think of it as similar to my issues with being around a lot of people, except that people show their true colors when they drive, so naturally, they are all assholes. I only continued to drive after that because I was forced to by my family. Avoided that kind of situation as much as possible but it was always horrible no matter what. I don't think I will be forced to drive again. I think they accepted that I am too autistic to drive, at this point.

>For some reason whenever I stare at a spider when mustering up the courage to try and kill it, I expect them to jump right at me even though I know they won't. I'm oddly paranoid about the weirdest things for some reason, this and insects living in my ear/head being two of them.

I'm like that as well. It's one reason why I can't stand bugs in the first place. If there is a bug in my room, I can't sleep at all until I kill it because the paranoia will keep me awake if I don't.

>it happens multiple times a year where a spider crawls on my computer screen, near my keyboard, or drops down near my face from the ceiling with its web which scares the shit out of me.

That sounds terrible. I guess the spiders that show up here occasionally are just nicer. They always live in some corner somewhere and don't really leave. And there are very few of them. I guess all lifeforms are obnoxious when they live in large groups.

This is a little bit of a posting spree for me as well. I haven't been posting that much, and even when I do it's never long or much of a conversation. Somehow I always assume that people dislike everything I say, so it's easy to make me stop. I tend to disappear for a few months when someone totally ruins my mood, but eventually I end up doing it again because this is the closest to social interaction that I get, and if I don't at least do it occasionally, then I end up feeling like a have a lot of some kind of communication energy in my head, but no way to really get it out, so I get really hyperactive and start talking to myself incoherently in different voices and making myself laugh saying outrageous things in funny voices, and generally going crazy.

It's pretty easy to see how isolation could make someone lose their sanity, or maybe lose the ability to communicate. In a weird way, I can understand a lot of people that did go insane and how their minds work, because I think I got uncomfortably close to becoming like them, many times, even before being completely reclusive, because of my inability to deal with most people and with normal human life. So it's easy for me to understand people that other people may not even want to understand. Anyway, this is all difficult to deal with when you fear human connections as much as you want them.

Fearing being alone as much as you fear other people and what they are capable of. I don't think anything causes me more pain than that. Even while going crazy from isolation, my natural inclination is to reject other people. When I fail to get the sensation of being alone out of my mind, I feel like a hollow meat puppet that barely even understands what he's missing. In a weird way, people that can't deal with people need each other to survive, so the output that I needed happened to be the input that you needed, and normal people couldn't really provide that because they can't really empathize with people that aren't normal as well. What they think is empathy doesn't have a whole lot of value because they don't really understand anything, they just do and say what they thing they are expected to, so it's just a fake virtue signaling thing at best. I don't know if someone can do better than that and still qualify as normal. I barely even know what I'm talking about, by the way, I'm just rambling and hopefully something of value came out. When I start posting again, I'm like a starving animal that was given a massive pile of food. I just don't know when to stop.

>>6553

I almost crashed on an empty parking lot. Another car came our way and I almost drove into him because I had really really bad spatial awareness of the car. It was an odd feeling. On the other hand I tried to get a motorcycle license since I knew that'd be something I could learn to drive easily and is something I loved since it's what I grew up around. Despite the dangers it always made me feel free riding on the back of my dad's bike when I was a kid. Needless to say I failed the written test and gave up on that as well.

> people show their true colors when they drive, so naturally, they are all assholes

I think that may also be partially related to city life. Everyone is in a hurry to get to places, time is money and all that, they put themselves before others because of course they are more important than everyone else in the world, and it just becomes a mess of impatient, easily agitated people on a crowded street driving massive metal boxes.

That's another thing. I have ADD so my brain tends to be working at 120% already. When I was more social it felt like everything and everyone was always trying to rush me to finish everything as fast as possible and that took its toll on me. I still have a hard time winding down and take things slowly, even though I've been locked up in my room for years with nothing happening. Everything I do must be done quickly. It sucks.

>If there is a bug in my room, I can't sleep at all until I kill it because the paranoia will keep me awake if I don't

Every time a spider manages to hide in an unreachable place before I manage to kill it I want to die.

>That sounds terrible.

Kind of funny that a spider crawled on my monitor 10 minutes ago. Thankfully it wasn't too big and I squished it.

>Somehow I always assume that people dislike everything I say

I certainly don't. In fact nothing you have said I have disagreed with, which in itself is pretty damn rare in my case. I know what that's like though, I'm much the same.

>I tend to disappear for a few months when someone totally ruins my mood, but eventually I end up doing it again because this is the closest to social interaction that I get

It's similar for me, except I disappear even if nothing bad happened. I go through these phases where I really need to socialize, it's when I tend to post a lot on 8ch and also befriend people in MMOs that oddly enough really take a liking to me. In the past I used to add these people to various social platforms, but I stopped doing that since it's kind of a dick move of me to befriend these people and then completely disappear after a couple months when I've had enough social activity and disappear again.

>I get really hyperactive and start talking to myself incoherently in different voices and making myself laugh saying outrageous things in funny voices, and generally going crazy.

I used to talk a lot to myself as well and had full on conversations of 2 or 3 different "personalities". Sort of "what if" conversations between people, hard to put into words or describe. I can't really do that anymore since people would hear me from my room, so it's all thought out now. At times it can be a bit scary when you get completely lost inside of your head/thoughts. It's kind of like traversing this thin line of going completely bonkers and being self aware enough to know better.

>lose the ability to communicate

I can't physically speak properly anymore. I tend to stutter and stumble over words on top of not being able to express my thoughts accurately. Part of it is also the ADD, so it's always been an issue, just worse now. It sucks when your brain thinks faster than you can speak, it's often made me look like a complete fool because thoughts were only partially expressed. Typing is much easier, thank fuck.

>So it's easy for me to understand people that other people may not even want to understand.

I've always had an interest in the psychology of people, especially undesirables in society and completely scum. Serial killers fascinate me for some reason. Richard "The Iceman" Kuklinski has some really interesting interviews by a psychologist up on jewtube. I personally wouldn't label him as much a serial killer as a successful mob hit man.

>>6554

>I have ADD so my brain tends to be working at 120% already

I can definitely understand that, being autistic and all. I get easily overwhelmed by a lot of situations.

>I disappear even if nothing bad happened. I go through these phases where I really need to socialize

Basically what happens to me if nothing else gets me out of it.

>befriend people in MMOs

MMOs helped me learn how to communicate a lot better, in the past. I don't play them anymore, though, and even when I did, I would only talk to people. I still did everything alone even in those games because I am incapable of asking other people for help.

>Sort of "what if" conversations between people, hard to put into words or describe.

I think I know exactly what you're talking about. I tend to imagine how conversations with specific other people would go, and kinda recreate them myself. Something related to that is that when I have to or want to do something, I can't stop imagining and planning the act of doing it until it's done, and I can't sleep either. I guess getting used to simulating things in my head may be one cause, other than the fact that I don't actually talk to anyone, of course. It does make doing anything potentially much more difficult than it should be, though. I need a lot of time, it's a lot more stressful than it should be, and I can't do anything else at all because that won't get out of my head. Unless I spontaneously decide to do something, this tends to be a problem. Just something as minor as wanting to read about something on the internet can completely prevent me from sleeping, so it's really difficult for me to follow a schedule.

>It's kind of like traversing this thin line of going completely bonkers and being self aware enough to know better.

That's exactly what it feels like. I also did it a lot during some of the worst moments in my life, and I did frequently feel like I could easily completely lose my mind, at that point in time.

>I can't physically speak properly anymore. I tend to stutter and stumble over words on top of not being able to express my thoughts accurately.

I'm not too bad, even though I don't do it too much and sometimes I have to stop talking so I can think about what I'm trying to say. I can only talk to a single person, though. If someone else is around, then I just stop. Of course, people that I know. Strangers take a lot more effort. I haven't talked to a stranger in 7 or 8 months, I think.

>I've always had an interest in the psychology of people, especially undesirables in society and completely scum.

I tend to try to figure out how people function and why they are the way they are. There is always a reason and some kind of logic or need behind it. My family is all messed up, so I always had a lot of material for that. Honestly, I think having an interest in how people's minds work is a sign that someone isn't normal to begin with. Normal people have no interest in that. Some of them are even psychologists or something similar, but it's not a real interest, just a source of income. And of course, fucked up or strange minds are always going to be interesting. It's also very useful when you are weird and need to try to understand yourself somehow. Maybe that's the source of the interest in the first place. Maybe the kind of imagination that I have is also related to that, since recreating people in my mind sometimes can require that kind of analysis.

>>6555

>The things that I need and want are the things that I reject and loathe. Because of that, I thought if by chance there are others out there like myself, it'd be impossible to get into contact with them because of our anti-social nature. In a sense it made me feel even lonelier than I actually was.

It is a paradox. Schopenhauer described the issue pretty well with a porcupine allegory. It may be an inherent issue of being human, but it's worse for some people, of course. Basically, the paradox is made worse because the people that you need are the most difficult to find and actively hide themselves. We are essentially the problem and the solution to all of our issues. Also, in our case, most people are more likely to give us nothing but pain to begin with, so the risk is always higher.

>How in the fuck did we ever become as successful as a species as we did?

A few weird people had certain ideas and the masses followed when it became clear that their lives would get easier for doing so. That applies to everything (civilization itself, ideologies, technology) and still hasn't changed. Even now, the world is controlled by a relatively small amount of people (a lot of them of a very coincidental ethnic group, of course), and in this case they happen to be bad ones, because they kinda have to be since good people don't want power (and I strongly believe that in human history, evil pretty much always beats good any day of the week because evil is easy and very natural and easy for humans to accept). It wouldn't surprise me if someone made the discovery that a considerable percentage of the world's population doesn't think at all. Some people in my family don't seem to understand the concept of thought itself (which is a relatively recent thing anyway, in human history). Anyway, pic related. It's human history.

>I value self analysis

A lot of the time I don't know what I'm saying because I am experimenting with ideas as I say them. I just give the opportunity for them to come out of the world of ideas, on their own, and that's why I ramble. Sometimes some really good ideas come out of nowhere, and a few times I had an extremely strong sensation that is pretty difficult to describe, of things just falling into place, kind of an awakening, an epiphany would be the correct term, and those moments completely changed how I view existence in one way or another. This always reminds me of Socrates and his ideas about many of the things that humans output being essentially divine gifts. I tend to think of things that way. "My ideas" isn't really an accurate thing to say, since I have no ideas. I'm just summoning them from somewhere, but they already existed to begin with. Not something that I created.

Thought is essentially a daemonic mechanism that can form connections between an individual and what lies beyond the veil of reality and perception. I don't think most people can understand thought itself because it's somehow beyond their ability or interest even though it's one of the most impressive things (if you can call it a thing) in the universe, just like they can't understand math (all of reality can be represented and presumably predicted mathematically, since the two always seem to match, so it's fair to say that it's a mechanism that can connect us to the principles that essentially cause us and everything around us, and thought is a lot like that), so they can't really use it. The fact that thinking is even possible is impressive. You wouldn't expect something like this to just emerge from a collective of cells, but it does happen somehow. If anything can be called divine, it would definitely have to be the ability to think. Thought, and things that are only possible with a lot of thought, may as well just be called magic considering how powerful it all is. Maybe this sort of thing just isn't as inherent to humans in general as a lot of people would like to believe. Maybe most people have very little inclination to think in the first place, or are limited to very specific kinds of thoughts. It's not something visible and it can't be measured, so there's no reason to assume that it's consistent. Maybe some people are just an exception, and a lot end up suffering because it's just like being the only person that can see, in a world entirely populated by entirely or almost entirely blind people that can't even fully comprehend the concept of vision. People that can think may actually be weird experimental mutants, and not the norm at all.

>>6560

>I am incapable of asking other people for help.

Me too. My solution to the problem was to git gud and offer people help instead. If others organized a dungeon/raid/whatever that I needed to do I'd offer to help out if they needed more people. It was fairly easy to avoid directly asking for help, for the most part. The other plus side, if you can consider it that, was that due to my helpful nature I raised through the ranks of guilds pretty darn quickly. There was one instance a few years ago where I wanted to see how far I could make it if I actively tried, out of curiosity, and I ended up becoming co-owner of one of the larger successful guilds the game had at the time. I'm stroking my own ego here, ignore this It's kind of odd how socially adept and manipulative I can be online, but I'm a massive failure in real life.

>I tend to imagine how conversations with specific other people would go, and kinda recreate them myself. Something related to that is that when I have to or want to do something, I can't stop imagining and planning the act of doing it until it's done

That's it. It doesn't stress me out though, and only rarely prevents me from sleeping. It's basically simulating a conversation and going through the "What if they respond this way? What if they respond that way?" to prepare responses ahead of time. When things go exactly as I planned, which is fairly rare granted, I have everything I need to say prepared ahead of time and don't need to think about anything. It can be kind of helpful, but at the same time it makes me feel like a robot that's pre-programmed to respond in specific ways. On top of that 9/10 the conversation never happens in the first place.

>It does make doing anything potentially much more difficult than it should be

It probably does, but it's had its uses in the past.

>Unless I spontaneously decide to do something

This seems to be the best solution to anything whenever you start to question, doubt or worry about doing something. Maybe that's why normal people have it easier than us; they don't think.

>Just something as minor as wanting to read about something on the internet can completely prevent me from sleeping

That only happens to me when I get excited about doing something the next day and it's time to sleep. Whenever I want to do something, I generally just do it. There are exceptions where I think about wanting to do something but then immediately lose interest because I thought of it. Even though I know if I would simply not think about it and just start doing it, I'd have a good time. That coupled with my mercurial personality leads to some odd results of doing 10 things at once because of constantly shifting interests.

>I did frequently feel like I could easily completely lose my mind, at that point in time.

Suppose we did lose our minds in such a way. What would we be diagnosed with? Schizophrenia?

>I can only talk to a single person, though. If someone else is around, then I just stop.

Back when I wasn't as shit at socializing I was the same.

>Strangers take a lot more effort. I haven't talked to a stranger in 7 or 8 months, I think.

Last time I spoke to strangers was at my last job. That was also the first and last time I ever took initiative to try and hit on a girl. we went on a "date" but it went horribly

>>6563

>Thought is essentially a daemonic mechanism

I know this is not what you're talking about, but I stopped believing in demons when trying to legitimately summon a succubus waifu through some weird ritual I found on the internet didn't work. That was a bit embarrassing to share

>that can form connections between an individual and what lies beyond the veil of reality and perception.

This is usually where philosophy loses me. I guess it's my lack of understanding of what reality or perception really is. Or how it is defined. Can there even be anything beyond reality and perception? To me those seem to be the only 2 options. Either something exists in reality, or something is perceived to exist.

As far as thoughts themselves go I always viewed them as a process of the brain. In most cases it's not something we have direct control over, but they are determined by chemicals, hormones and however else the brain functions.

>You wouldn't expect something like this to just emerge from a collective of cells, but it does happen somehow.

>People that can think may actually be weird experimental mutants, and not the norm at all.

I think even animals are capable of thought. They learn and react to certain experiences just like any human would, though on a much more primitive level. I also think such a spectrum may exist within humans, where some people are able to think "better" than others. It certainly wouldn't surprise me anyways considering various mutations, psychological problems and other oddities due to evolution tend to happen.

I'm not very knowledgeable on the subject so I don't really have anything of value to add unfortunately.

>>6562

>Suppose we did lose our minds in such a way. What would we be diagnosed with? Schizophrenia?

I didn't actually lose my mind (presumably, it's not like insane people can adequately ascertain their own sanity, that would go against the whole being insane thing), so nothing. Well, nothing related to that, I am autistic, after all. It was close, though, or it feels like it was.

>That was also the first and last time I ever took initiative to try and hit on a girl.

Never did that in my life. I have very high 3DPD immunity. And someone pretty much has to be unusual and interesting to get my attention anyway, and women are naturally more normal than men, if that makes sense.

>You could argue it was another job and a necessity for the war effort, but I believe there was just so much going on that a lot of scholars' curiosity got piqued

I wouldn't. The legitimate people in any field are always hobbyists even if they do end up making money. I tend to believe that intelligence frequently leads to activity that normal people would consider to be useless, messing around and experimenting, and trying to understand the mind is definitely like that (and pretty much everything new and/or complicated is considered useless by the masses). Lack of intelligence leads to just doing whatever will give you material rewards. You can see it in nature. Dumb animals only do things that are related to survival. More intelligent animals do completely unrelated things, just for fun, and may even risk their own survival in order to do so. You can see this in humans as well. Inventors have always worked either for their own amusement or for the actual practical benefits of their creations. Intelligence is all about fucking around, and creative problem solving. Jobs don't require any of that. It's all about memorizing procedures and repeating them. All of this applies to artists as well. Lovecraft is a good example. He starved to death after his friend Robert E. Howard (author of Conan the Barbarian) shot himself and therefore couldn't help him survive anymore, so clearly he wasn't writing for his own financial benefit. He was doing it for the inherent value of art. Art absolutely can't have a practical purpose. If it does, it's not art. The value is inherent and transcends time, life and death. When you write, you are embodying the archetype of the writer, that can never die, even if you starve to death. Art can make money, but it's not the point. As soon as making money is the point, it ceases to be art, and it will inevitably suck, sooner or later. Damn, talking about this is reminding me about Jonathan Bowden. If you don't love him you should. I would make a shrine in his honor but I don't have any space and I don't have a printer. If everyone was like him, the world would be a good place. I am garbage, just go listen to him, he's way better. The fact that the supposed right doesn't talk about him proves that they are a bunch of smelly plebs.

>I find it odd that I can't analyze myself unless I have conversations similar to this that help me understand certain things better

I did it because I needed to. I needed to know what I am, what makes me different, why the world has always been so confusing to me, and what being is in the first place, what I wanted to be, what the world wants me to be and what the me in other people's minds would look like. Essentially what was actually causing my experiences. I'm not that limited by my own perspective, so I can do that pretty well. The question of being has always been a big one in ancient philosophy (well, and Martin Heidegger, again, consult Bowden if you want to know about Heidegger without looking it up or reading a 600 page long book about death, he took some philosophical questions about as far as you can possible take them, an absolute madman, absolutely fantastic), for a reason. It would have been irresponsible to accept myself when I don't even know what the hell I am and what being is. Fortunately I understand it decently well, and that gave me confidence even though other people will always see me as a failure and I welcome that.

>What if Caesar wasn't assassinated? Would the world have been a better place?

Probably yes (mistakes were made, but Rome was the pinnacle of human civilization, until it was destroyed by the Christians, of course, never forget that it's Julian the Great and Constantine the Apostate, that's the accurate nomenclature if your name doesn't end in berg or stein), but I don't think it would have prevented the Dark Ages. As someone that has taken all the black pills, my question is "would the world have been a good place?", and the answer is always no. No change in history could ever have done that because humanity itself is wrong and shouldn't exist, and our history basically proves this. Everything good about humanity is completely external to it and frequently only manifested by very few people that are the only validation to its existence. There is probably life elsewhere that has all the positive traits and none of the negative. They should worry about the survival of their species. I on the other hand don't have to worry about mine's because extinction is what they deserve if they don't want to improve, I only have to care about myself and about people that I can care about, very few, and about not creating more people like me, since this planet is clearly not the environment for that.

>What if Germany had won the second world war?

Everything around us would probably be really well engineered, unlike what we have, that's for sure. Maybe banks wouldn't exist and that would be nice. I don't know if it would have been a good world necessarily (but it would be better), since the NatSocs still had a lot of issues with the same normalfags that ruin everything, and it could have been corrupted very easily. Goebbels (my favorite) talked about some of these people. Unless a political movement is very small, it will inevitably be ruined by the masses. It's so bad that you can have a country that is supposed to be anti-Jewish, but still has a Christian population that has been completely contaminated by Jewish religion and culture (Hitler was aware of this issue, but I think he knew that it would take time to solve, he mentioned this issue in Mein Kampf if my memory isn't completely messed up, that Germany was stuck with Christianity and he didn't have a replacement for it), and that basically behave the same way. The masses inevitably make everything crumble. They always have their issues that aren't issues and end up breaking their society to pieces for no reason because they are never content with what they have and can never just let people live their lives however they want to. They always want to drag their fellow man down to their level. Their end goal is never freedom for their own people, it's their own personal freedom to ruin other people's lives, and every good man in political history had to deal with the nightmare that is trying to hold these people back. Because of people like that, you end up with smashed statues and burned paintings and everything being banned because it's so inappropriate and offensive. They don't even understand the difference between private life and public life. You can see it today with people out in public acting like they are at home, and at the same time the government is destroying privacy and they don't care, they even like it. They also can never go too far, because they don't understand that if you want a good society, you have to stop when it's good and maintain what you have, you can't just keep going or that will eventually lead to discontentment and everything will have to change again and basically start from scratch, or it will be a pendulum.

>>6567

>That's also probably one of the reasons I never got into philosophy very much because my head refuses to wrap itself around the words that are being said.

It's not supposed to be about reading, so it's not surprising that just reading my ideas doesn't work. It's supposed to be about creating (or recreating) ideas in your own head. It's about the essence, not about the words. Plato for instance was aware of the limitations of just telling someone what the ideas are, and that's (presumably) why he wrote dialogues instead of just writing down his own ideas. Socrates was so extreme when it comes to this that he basically refused to write because he thought it was a waste of time since the essence of the ideas would be lost anyway (it can be recovered, but only if the person reading can reconstruct it, and it won't necessarily be correct because language is very limited and doesn't express intent too well).

> trying to legitimately summon a succubus waifu through some weird ritual

I don't mind that. People don't admit it, but a massive amount of philosophers, scientists and geniuses in general, in history, were occultists and probably tried all sorts of crazy shit, because that's what people like that do (and some of these people couldn't adapt to society at all, don't forget that Socrates was basically a hobo, and then his disciple's disciple's disciple just happened to be Alexander the Great). Of course they like to experiment, that's how they achieve things. The Renaissance in particular had a lot of this. People experimented with a bunch of ancient mysticism and religions and some of them probably having crazy ritual orgies, and many of these people made huge contributions to humanity that are inseparable from their occult origins. It all came from the same activity a lot of the time. Hell, even on the Christian side of things, Isaac Newton was obsessed with prophecies. That was probably more important to him than physics, and no matter how crazy it is, you can't argue with the fact that his mentality still resulted in what it resulted in (he also died a virgin, so he was clearly not exactly your average normalfag Christian, at the time). Give people like that something crazy to try and they will do it because it sounds kinda interesting and that's all that matters. Name the ten most important people in a field and it's not that unlikely that at least one of them tried to turn their semen into a slime girl or tried to summon a male succubus. This same mentality turns these people into perverts, because being perverted is fun and has more room for creativity, and we are better than apes but that's still part of what we are. Eccentricity is just inherent to people that are exceptional (in a good or bad way, doesn't matter).

>Can there even be anything beyond reality and perception?

I consider a lot of things to be beyond our reality. The origin of reality is beyond reality. Reality can't just come from reality, that would require reality to already exist. The laws of physics are beyond reality. When you have an idea, that idea already existed beyond reality, the emergent properties of matter are beyond the matter itself. Combine a bunch of different atoms and the whole will be a completely new object, not just a cluster of atoms anymore. Combine a bunch of cells just right and you have a human, but that human is more than that combination, it has characteristics that all of the cells combined don't have. When you create a new object, the potential for that object to exist was already there or you couldn't have done it. Everything eternal is beyond reality, and everything that allows reality to exist happens to be eternal, all of its components, and that allows reality to be consistent. Now, your perception is always very limited. So much so that you can't perceive that I have a body, that is beyond your perception right now. But I do have one, and you can assume that I do. Even if no one ever sees something happen, that doesn't change the fact that it did. The same logic can be applied to things that no one can perceive. There are probably a lot of them, we can't exactly imagine things that are beyond our imaginations, but it would be ridiculous to assume that the limit of our imaginations just happens to correspond to the limit of what can exist, especially when we very frequently discover new things that we couldn't imagine before. You can't perceive the laws of physics, but they sure seem to work regardless of that, and you can see their results, even if you can't see the actual mechanisms behind them. Everything that you see is the result of a bunch of things that you can't see. Your perception is always incredibly limited, but you can use logic or math or some other method to deduce things that you can't confirm with your perception yet, forming a connection with knowledge beyond your perception, so your thoughts are clearly more potent if used well.

>As far as thoughts themselves go I always viewed them as a process of the brain. In most cases it's not something we have direct control over, but they are determined by chemicals, hormones and however else the brain functions.

And just remove a tiny amount of cells from that brain and the emergent property is gone. You don't just lose part of it, you lose all of it. And it basically comes out of nowhere to begin with, it begins and ends the same way. A full circle. We can also do a lot of things thanks to our minds that aren't necessary at all to our survival. What is the practical purpose for natural selection to allow you to have the ability to read and understand text? Or have any recognition of images on a flat surface? Or being able to process 2D images at all (and thankfully be able to masturbate to anime, nature's greatest achievement and something that all the other apes would kill for)? Everything about it is pretty crazy. Nature is absolutely insane. Our world is absolutely nuts.

Consciousness is an emergent property of the brain, but where does the emergent property come from? Well, it already existed to begin with. The potential for it was already there, somewhere, and accessible to any vessel with the appropriate shape to contain it. It's all pretty nice and seemingly crazy as far as most people are concerned, as it should be. And that's why I like Plato, and reading about physics (deliberately avoiding talking about it or things will get weird and even longer), and saying things that confuse people and make them uncomfortable and then hope that they get it eventually. It's almost like I drug myself until pure thought.

>I think even animals are capable of thought.

Yes. You can even physically see them stop and think before doing something. They plan things as well, even involving multiple steps. Cats are perfect if you want to observe this sort of thing, because they are the best and they do a lot of pointless things just because they can, and because it's fun. Watch cats if you can, it's great fun. Also, I even argue that animals are technically more intelligent than humans, because they use a lot more of the intelligence that they have than humans do, and because lower intelligence also comes with a lower ability to be incredibly stupid. A dog can't build weapons powerful enough to wipe out all life on the planet including itself. A human can, and that is an incredibly dumb idea (though it can be a fun one, for the engineers involved), unless that is your actual intent, and in this case it's not. But using this example… isn't the dog technically more intelligent for not doing that even though it just can't? Can you convince a cat to jump off a cliff? No, but you can convince a human, just succeed in spreading the idea that there is some kind of rewarding for doing so. If you don't believe me, remember that people on this planet are convinced to blow themselves up because they think they are getting 49 virgins as a reward, or whatever the number is. Would a monkey believe that if it understood what explosives are and the consequences of blowing itself up? Never. A monkey can't be that stupid. Ever. And even if you could do it, it would be much harder than convincing a human to do the same. The homo stupidus fuckus is the dumbest animal in nature, and this is factual information. It can also be considered the most intelligent, but only if you ignore that, which is what most people do, because they have to believe that they are the shit when they are probably just shit. Personally, I am perfectly comfortable admitting that I am shit, and a terrible abomination and that all I can do is try to be better and enjoy my horribleness, so I can admit that other animals are better than me in many more ways than I probably even realize.

Basically, high intelligence also comes with enormous potential for stupidity. The stupidest people on the planet could be considered very intelligent, actually, and many of them have high IQs. They just happen to use all of their intelligence to be as stupid as humanly possible and achieve dumb and evil goals. And these are a lot of our leaders. Animals don't use too much of their intelligence to be stupid, so they are smarter… technically, following my playful logic, if you know what I'm talking about. If what I say is confusing, that's probably because very few people say the things that I say, because they aren't willing to just be weird and try different things, while I fully embraced my freakishness, so it's only natural.

Holy shit, this is 3 times longer than I thought it was. Difficult to post. And impossible to reply to. Now you know why I have so many issues with sleep.

>>6567

>Rome was the pinnacle of human civilization, until it was destroyed by the Christians

That was the doings of the archfiends Baal and Ishtar (or "Judaism" and "Feminism" as they're most commonly known today, although Ishtar is also widely known as "Islam", and occasionally as "Thug Life").

If more people had heeded Jesus' warnings of false Jews whose synagogues are synagogues of Satan, the world would be a much better place. Instead, any random arab who calls himself a "Jew" is blindly accepted as such despite the religion of the Jews ending with the Second Temple's destruction, Baal controls almost every nation on earth, and Europe is being steadily overrun and destroyed by Ishtar's barbarian hordes.

>>6571

Good response, but anime is the true miracle here. You don't seem to have a full appreciation of nature's greatest accomplishment.

>Its in an empathy borne of much suffering on my part

I know how it is to feel too much empathy for your own good, to the point that it becomes self-destructive. I kinda had to learn to control how much of it I feel, and only apply it to people that I think I could actually like, but not everyone on the planet. Originally I tried to suppress it completely and avoid those feelings entirely, but that doesn't work either. You can't just not feel anything, that's not healthy either. Now I try to avoid feeling it more than I should depending on the situation. I feel it here, but I won't necessarily feel it somewhere else on the internet. Not that I have mastered this, of course. Sometimes I still mess up.

>>6574

I'm cool with your views, I don't care about debating these things anymore because it's clearly a waste of time (it was useful before I got to where I am now, but this seems to be the end of the line). But I don't believe that Jesus actually existed, not the one that Christians actually believe in, though there were many similar people all over the planet. So, in a way, there was no Jesus, but there was also a bunch of Jesuses (also some inverted evil Jesuses). Socrates was a Jesus. It's generic to say this, but Buddha was also a Jesus. Every single Jesus in history would hate Christianity (even some Christian versions of Jesus). A lot of people embodied that sort of archetype, and none of them were too fond of religion in general. Everything valuable about Christianity (and Judaism itself, and of course, there is very little of it) either comes from ancient religions (a lot of it looks like it came from the Sumerians, and that part of it is pretty neat) or isn't exclusive to it at all, to the point that it was everywhere from the beginning.

It has nice and interesting stuff, but it's an even worse version of Judaism that isn't even tied to race, it had no connection to the rise of western civilization but was connected to its destruction, and it comes with a lot of crap and is generally a corrupt, destructive force, so abandon it and adopt Hellenistic Neoplatonism like Emperor Julian, or something else, do whatever you want to, since I don't really mind what people do unless they start doing evil shit. The fact that they choose to be part of a group that does that is reprehensible (if you choose to call yourself a Muslim, you become partly responsible for everything that your group does and did in the past, that sort of idea) but I just ignore that most of the time. All major religions have at least something good about them, but they are inherently designed for the plebs and lack most of the philosophical foundation (because that intimidates the plebs, since they can't understand it), while also constantly contradicting it. Religions that focus on conversion, in particular, are a huge issue, and a relatively new thing. Judaism itself didn't and doesn't do it, only its derivatives. I could never like this sort of thing, not when I avoid most people like the plague. I like tiny groups that experiment with ideas and have no particular investment in having power over other people, recruiting the plebs or creating a consistent dogma, and that applies to religion as well. Flexibility is important to me, and normal religions are inherently limiting. You can believe the craziest shit imaginable and I can be fine with that as long as it's interesting and constructive, and even better if I have never heard it before. If people understand how I think, that's all I really need, they can even think I'm insane. I don't necessarily even want other people to have the same beliefs and ideas. It could be good to have one other person that has, but not more than that or things could get boring and repetitive. Still, if I lived under Christian rule, they would burn me to death in a week. Not even Stalin would kill me as quickly.

>>6578

>You can believe the craziest shit imaginable and I can be fine with that as long as it's interesting and constructive, and even better if I have never heard it before.

It might surprise you, but I feel more or less the same way. I only take umbrage at beliefs that are dedicated to erasing culture and destroying civilization; reducing men to animals. Judaism is the single greatest example of such that I'm aware of, and I do everything I can to dispel the illusions that keep it alive and in power.

For example, I know that by "Judaism" you're referring to the ancient religion of the Jews, but Judaism was actually created in 70 AD by the Pharisees (who currently call themselves "Rabbinic Jews", "Orthodox Jews", "Atheist Jews", and whatever other labels they can disguise themselves with). Judaism and its practitioners had nothing to do with Jews except as infiltrators and adversaries, such as when they tried to murder/usurp Moses and convert the Jews to worship of Baal.

If you're interested (or if you'd just like to be able to convince random Christians that Israel is not, in fact, their greatest ally), I recommend Michael A. Hoffman's book "Judaism's Strange Gods". I think /zundel/'s MEGA backup has a PDF of it, and I have a copy of that stored somewhere (although it's not the revised and expanded edition which includes more information, e.g. an overview of Moshe de Leon's Pa.R.De.S. system). It's an excellent detailed analysis of the Babylonian Talmud; the only flaw is that for whatever reason, Hoffman is unable to think of Adolf Hitler as anything but a villain.

>>6581

>I wonder if it's possible with the access we have to so many religious traditions and sources of light and knowledge that someone could get it all right. Or at least, right enough.

I don't feel the need for something like that. Only the masses do. No real need for a rigid system to commit to.

>>6586

>I only take umbrage at beliefs that are dedicated to erasing culture and destroying civilization; reducing men to animals.

That's pretty much my view. Creative chaos is probably my general preference, and I hate destruction and would rather avoid it, that's basically what I like. I don't care enough about the details of who was who, because that doesn't change who exactly I despise. I am aware that the Jews actually rewrote some of their history and intentionally destroyed important records in the past, and maybe that's related to way you say. Hell, I'm pretty sure that it's basically factual that they were never enslaved by the Egyptians (since the Egyptians themselves never recorded that), and that's a pretty foundational story in their history. I did read about that a long time ago. I don't remember the details, but I know enough to be able to assume that a lot of their supposed history was completely designed for their convenience just like the Soviets made up so much about the NatSocs. And of course, sometimes one groups steals another group's name or identity, that does happen. The Byzantines considered themselves Romans. I say that's ludicrous and they were just larping. Romans were not Christians.

A lot of history can just be assumed to be possibly fake anyway, since liars and propagandists (people in the media and in education are propagandists, and a some of these people will presumably be the ones to write the official history of the 21st century) have always existed, and we can see today that there is a huge amount of them and people in the future will probably be wrong about our own current history as well, just like people today have a completely fucked up view of ancient history because of the massive amount of lies that the Catholic church shoved in people's heads for so long, and then their successors in modern education. Sometimes there are even conflicting accounts in history itself (was Nero burning Rome like the Christians, his biggest enemies, were saying, or trying to save it?). That's why I don't care about the details too much and don't get too invested anymore (I was a huge history guy, but now I just don't care because I know what I like and I know what I hate). I despise those people and those other people. You pretty much know what I'm talking about even if I don't use labels because of what I said before about forceful conversion and Roman art and architecture being destroyed (and Constantine also allowed Rome to be pillaged, because he was that much of a traitor, and the barbarians had already been converted to Christianity by that point, and then Julian is still the traitor somehow).

It's also a common observation that a lot of crusaders were "pagans wearing crosses" (not that the term pagan should be used that way, since it's essentially an insult for "those other people that aren't us and we should kill"), and that even some catholic art or symbolism was so close to prior material that the artist may have just been drawing Greek heroes and gods and pretending that they are biblical so he didn't end up being burned, and then people like that were finally freed by the Renaissance (that some people don't like because of the so called Enlightenment, even though that is a completely separate thing). Basically, despite the fact that people that didn't convert were massacred, there were still some people that were technically Christians but not really. Technically, early Christians (if you can call them that, since they had nothing to do with what we call Christianity or even Jesus) were just a bunch of hermits that lived in caves because they refused to live in society, refused to own anything, refused to have children and more likely than not didn't even want other people to do the same. I guess normalfags at the time saw what they were doing and co-opted and ruined it, possibly. Things really haven't changed all that much, it's easy to assume that a lot of things that happen today also happened in the past. The same kind of people that we have today have existed since people have existed.

I feel like this is a really shitty post, since I have no idea what I just said. Pretty tired right now, everything looks kinda blurry, my body didn't let me sleep as much as I needed to, and I really want some alcohol to calm my brain down so I can relax a little bit.