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Dante

She didn’t seduce me. I fell in love

She is the peak of everything precious I will never have the grace of accompanying.

It hurts. But I don’t regret and I’m not ashamed the way you think I am. She was perfet, too good to be true. And I made it just so. I fell in love with a long term future. I fell in love with 2020. I’ve been in love with 2020. Another reason to love that year.

God. I just want “her” back.

I hate seeing “blocked”. I’m so powerless. I was so angry. I was so angry when I thought she was playing me. When I thought the little girl was playing me. I was mad. I tell you. I was a monster. I was a jealous monster. This feel so good to get through.

Ultimately what I think I did wrong is let her keep going. I wanted to teach her everything I know. I want to lift the earth with the hurricane of this smoltering rage. I am a monster.

She said her precious things were like a delicate rose. I feel like that dangerous wolf, low ears, humbly pleading to sniff and pant her breath.

Why wipe out a whole country when I can erect a new thrown?

Child Queen.

I always get so obsessed. I fantasize about showing a litle girl the secrets and magic of the world.

I smile everytime I think about the rush of feelings & sharing my world with her. Airplane window portraits. Cascades of foaming tides. The desert, the pyramids.

I hate not having that. no promise of that. How can an obsession be so close & I be so naive to it. It’s scalding.

I’m dangerous. I hate this. Why me. I feel like my resentment chose this. I don’t know how else to feel.

For glimpses of a a moment, can think like a grown ass man. I know that I appreciated her, but, that I have to move on. She’s just supposed to be a small page. God i hate it.

I can’t even relate. I can’t even make the connection. It’s just impossible at this point. Anywhere ever.

I’ve talked to victims. I will not become those. I refuse to become that.

It’s overwhelming. So much that sex is insignificant.

What is sex to 10 years? A decade of taking care of someone. being there for someone, supporting them. making them the best they an be. a mentor lover. That is a hauntingly different way of life.

I kept thinking about that. If I was all she knew. So of course that made me nautious. In the little ability I have to put myself in someone else shoes; that was enough to upset me. and it wouldn’t matter if she had other boyfriends.

I hate this so much. X dies. My uncle has cancer. I see my brother for the first time. My father’s life flashes through the room. I just was sick of holding back and ,, not ,, taking ,, something.

and no regard for my wife. I’m terrified of her living a simple beautiful and happy life. I just will always hate everything. And I can’t stop.

where is she in the last 20 lines? and then she’ll just be gone. and as much as I know I need to appreciate her. I just can’t. I see so many I’s. I hate that. I always see them. It’s all I ever see when I talk about anything.

I can’t focus. I know there’s a clog in the pipeline. My resolve has been chosen. Accepted. I am a wolf. I’m not ashamed. & Pride is only a utility to someone like me. No function here. It’s about as legal as smoking weed.

I shouldn’t think about her. I think I can move on.

I’m so devoid of romance. What is that for me? These small dark rooms. Those marbles? Toy rooms. That one burns. Power is nothing.

I so much like her beating off the big bad wolf. So much power in that little girl. It makes me fall in love even more.

u wot m8

Moar

"i pop pussy cuz my daddy in jail"

>>393

>I fell in love with 2020. I’ve been in love with 2020

2020 is almost over

the stargate is almost complete.

I'm lucky.

For now

and I don't know…

I'm just tired.

I have this gig.

I am just going to save money.

just save.

That's it.

I have to buy time after this thing.

i have to get the betting up.

oh yeah. that's what i came here for.

something about me being a pedophile.

i hate it.

i forgot what exactly i was going to go off about.

i'll be okay

i'll be okay

just gotta get some stuff done

why did i do this?

because I didn't want to be held up to anything.

because I felt this was dangerous

because I just wanted to lock myself away into work

i didn't want to connect with people.

I can't at this point.

i don't have any idea of that.

everything has always been about cold cold power.

i have this thing now. it's powerful. and I'm transparent.

I could be bad.

It's taken everything to come up with this. idk.

maybe it's nothing. but no one else saw it. i seized it.

i just want to be fucking free.

i just want to be rich and powerful and i want everything to love me.

women.

but i can't.

there's a trade off.

and my trade off is that i have to be soft for this. to be able to achieve this.

in so many ways.

i'm losing hair.

all i have is this shit.

I lost the best years of my life to that cult.

I have no idea about life.

my father is a fucking pedophile loser.

subjected his kids to that hell because he felt bad for marrying the 14 year old baby sitter.

i fucking can't stand that shit. that's what i am living with. that's what made me.

and a fucking cult.

what? so that you could get closer to more little kids?

they don't let niggers in dumbass.

what am I supposed to do?

Just keep working

he would always tell me to be indisposable. at work. like be the best little bitch i could be at work. real men don't try to be indesposable they don't think of themselves in perpetual fear of that. they simply are.

everything about that shit fucked me up.

and circumcision. what fucked up shit is that?

you let them cut your little boys dick off?

so you wouldn't feel bad about fucking the baby sitter?

when was the first time you touched mom?

when was it?

maybe if I was manlet like you I'd bitch down to all the stupid pathetic shit you cope with. but now I have to break out of your pathetic mold.

and i did. everything i worked for is working. just in time.

i don't even know what i want out of females anymore.

little girls.

or women? women eh.

and little girls are risky.

and that shit makes me sick sometimes.

it just all makes me sick.

i just want my family back.

i want to be done with this trench work and i want my family back and i want to be the boss.

and not be obsessed and not be a the "rockstar worker" and just fucking be normal.

i'm okay with my family now.

i'll sleep with a few different women to make up for her cheating on me. whatever. and i'll just have my family.

i don't want anything else. that's it. i don't want the crazy shit anymore.

i want to stop smoking.

i want to stop drinking.

i want my family back. all the way back.

i want to be truly loved.

i want my hair to grow back. i want to get in shape. but i don't want to look like a loser that just worked out.

i want to have a good reason to get away from the computer and not just a fabricated one.

i want to feel like a man without having to think about how to feel like a man.

i want my daughter to grow up innocent.

i want to fall in love with my wife again. i want to have more kids.

i don't want anything else. i hope the money makes up for all of my mistakes.

I'm not crazy. I'm just smart. and I'm just desperate because I feel extinct and insignificant. and i just want to be free and happy.

i coudl have just done it right without acting crazy.

but i'm tired of "doing things right"

I don't want to be a messiah. i just want to be anonymous.

that's what i should have done.

maybe in my next life time.

maybe i'll get it right. i hope so

maybe in my next life time my nose wont be so large either. and wont look so dopey.

that's the only thing i hate in combination with being black.

otherwise i wouldn't mind.

but i guess anyone would hate having a nose that isn't perfect.

i can't make friends now.

they're all online

and they aren't really friends

they are just there for money.

cooking some rice.

i have to work.

step by step. i just have to get it done.

it's almost done.

i've made some really bad mistakes in the past.

i'm horrible.

i don't know what to believe out of life.

i really don't.

i just want my family back.

idk.

her family doesn't like me.

i need something.

i'm sick of doing this.

i didn't pass the test. i failed.

i'm weak. i get it. i failed. again and again.

maybe if i wasn't a victim of that cult. i'd be okay.

i would have been just as smart. without the cult extremism.

and obsessiveness.

obsessiveness… maybe i did need that though.

who am I going to kiss next?

is she black or white? is she a woman or a girl?

how can i ever connect with a woman?

how can I ever connect with a girl?

even if I didn't embarrass myself. i still wouldn't be able to connect with anyone.

i'm totally ruined

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