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try talking to a girl

I feel like everything is a psychological game, especially with females. I'm not fit for this… It saddens me.

I also wanted to make my own thread… But with Iceweasel it keeps saying.. "Your browser sent an invalid or no HTTP referer."

So I have to use Tor Browser to post. And I can only make replies, no threads… I don't know where else I could have posted this… So sorry..

I absolutely feel like I should be dead. My attitude towards existing keeps rapidly changing. I had absolutely decided to move somewhere else or kill myself. I feel like I've betrayed myself by doing neither. It's like my mind broke. It's a limbo state. It's against my conscience to try to get out.

I just woke up and and felt some kind of regret and terror. As in 'should I have been doing something today?'. 'Where is this life going?' 'I'm not sure if I should continue sleeping or get up. What would I do if I got up?.' It's completely dark outside already.

This slight dysphoria was slightly interesting. I remember one time I was sleeping with a girl against all odds and woke up feeling pure terror for a couple of seconds. I could not pinpoint the cause of that. To me it was absurd. Hasn't happened since or even before that. It gives a whole new perspective to existence. Worst feeling. Imagine lifetime of that. That would be hell. Makes you afraid of dying. But I imagine it's there to make you seek company. It's actually quite effective in that and thus has the potential to make one's life better. But why then? When I was with her? I suppose there had been some tension with her. She was depressed and not really communicating with me. Just eating, watching telly, pretending. It was so shallow. It was so hard to focus on the telly knowing something was kind of off.

This is probably all a matter of attitude. If I focused on having a good time I would probably not have these shitty mental states. Who knows. But I remember how in the past past me wanted to experience. Experience things and help people. It's like this is one of them experiences to learn from. Just one 'role'. Well, there is no objective truth to mental concepts.

i'm sure i have brain damage

maybe too much sniffing of cats (toxoplasmosis, there was an article about how it affects brain function and how it spreads from cats to humans)

i've never felt so groggy

also I remember how it sometimes eventually hurts my brain to think about things. maybe something has been happening during those times.

I stopped responding to people one morning and looked at what happened. Eventually paramedics were called and I was put into a psychiatric ward. I am diagnosed psychotic and incoherent. I am now on lorazepam and olanzapine medication.

Today I got my computer to use while here.

best regards,

the same guy as previous messages

It seems obvious that they will keep me here in the psychiatric ward for some time.

It seems like I will continue living.

Thanks for listening.

To anyone listening, lots of love to you.

Fun thing today. The psychiatric ward nurses pulled me away for a talk. Apparently the overweight female patient had not liked some of my jokes (apparently sexism). Luckily I didn't get punished.

Otherwise it's going allright. I haven't told them about my suicidal thoughts.

Wow some of my posts are shit.

Psychiatry is brainwashing.

I chose to do something different in life before coming here and now they say they won't let me go before I acknowledge that it was 'psychosis'. I guess I have to submit myself to this kind of thinking.

It's sick that they call this a hospital and me mentally ill. It's just a difference in moral values.

I hope you're doing okay OP.

Still thinking I should be dead and should stop affecting the world around me, like I have failed to fulfill my destiny by staying alive. Haven't told anyone about this. Antipsychotics keep me kind of dull.

(That might be just the mood of this day.)