/jp/ - check pinned thread, please.

Some packages I ordered cam in today. One was a Youmu mouse pad. It's really small and flimsy, I don't recommend it.

They have these things called rubber mats, I might get one of those.

Try rutracker. They have all kinds of western music, even the most obscure.

I guess my strength blog will now take place here.

>>37441

tenko can you also change the subject so the thread is more visible

I pray for a better tomorrow.

>>37465

Alright. What should I put there?

>>37468

Anything using the word blog. I can't remember what the last thread's subject was, it feels like such a long time ago.

>>37469

Done.

For the first time in my life I showed genuine interest towards my moms religion and its practices(Buddhism).

She showed me an instructional video on how to meditate and translated it for me. It was interesting

>>37480

Can you eat rice now???

Apropos, what do you eat, /jp/? How are your diets?

>>37504

Rye, potatos and pork, pretty much every meal every single day because I buy it four months worth at a time. There's an apple tree in my yard so I've usually got a bunch of those around at any given time as well, but that's more of a snack type thing for me.

Sometimes I think about eating better.

>>37504

I add some kind of meat to every meal, usually I have pasta, lasagne, hamburgers or some other kind of carb and meat combination. I use to regularly eat sweet thing like chesecakes and brownies but I am cutting so I have stopped for now.

>>37509

>but I am cutting

How edgy. Do you listen to linken parque too?

I'm moving soon but I don't like having all these strangers come in and look at my house, mostly because I don't want them stealing my stuff.

I see things that aren't real.

I looked at myself in the mirror for a bit. I was shocked to see a tall and somewhat fit guy with broad shoulders. It's funny how I look like that yet I have trouble being able to talk to others without stuttering and am helplessly clueless in almost every situation I find myself in.

I will be strong.

>>37511

It's a body building term... I'm cutting down my body fat percentage.

Everything hurts so much. I just want to win.

I really liked a song, until I looked up it's lyrics.

It was so sad that it made me cry and now I can't enjoy this song the same way anymore

I tried making my own mayonnaise. It didn't come out good. Maybe I never loved mayonnaise in the first place. I guess I'm incapable of loving. Do I even love Yukari? I doubt it.

>>37551

You want to give Yukari your mayonnaise?

>>37552

no

>>37553

Why not? I'd give Yukari my mayonnaise

>>37554

because it tasted awful and didn't even look like mayo

What is it like to have friends? The closest I've ever had to friends were the guy who shared my name and that tomboy I talked about in the dream thread. The guy who shared my name only served to make me feel like I was a inferior version of him and the tomboy made me feel as though I was even inferior to girls. Those two, along with my highly talented brother, who I spent most of my life in the shadow of, are likely the main causes for why I constantly feel inferior and unworthy.

>>37556

It's alot of work and obligations, you will have these people who want all kinds of things from you and have expectations in you to keep them entertained/happy.

If you don't fullfill these expectations then they will guilttrip you and maybe eventually abandon you.

Sometimes they provide these same services for you in return, but oftentimes not

>>37557

>oftentimes

I do not consider Americans as valid persons. Could please someone answer this question that actually is a person? Thanks in advance

>>37558

I'm not american buddy.

I forgot to mention something else: Sometimes in life you need to assume a responsibility(like being someones friend) and this responsibility will make you stronger.

I can safely say that that being the emotional sandbag for multiple people has given me more patience and mental fortitude

>>37559

>stronger

Now you're speaking my language. To become strong is my desire. I do not like relying on others, but if acquiring friends makes a person strong then I will do it. I will see them more as "followers" than anything though. I will not rely on such people even if my life depended on it. Such people will only be my "friends" so that I become stronger. I will become strong after all. I don't want to be weak. I hate being weak. I want to stop being weak.

What's wrong with me. I feel like I'm actually two different people. We even refer to each other by different names. >>37556 is a self-loathing coward who hates everything and has my first name while >>37560 is a huge chuuni who wants to be strong and uses my last name as his own. This might be the core of all of my issues. No wonder I tend to be so indecisive.

>>37561

Isn't that natural?

I was assuming that every human has a constant struggle between desires and the true self inside of them, like you and me.

The "dual mind" theory is also pretty common in literature.

I've tried to sort of explicitly split my personality in an attempt to get more self control and understand myself better.

One side was really gloomy all the time but also pragmatic which enabled him to be powerful, cool and collected at critical times.

The other side was a huge chuuni, always cheerful, always charging into things headfirst and drawing imaginary weapons.

I still have these 2 sides inside of me, but I don't make a distinction between anymore. They are both aspects of my self

>>37560

I'm not sure if you can truly assume responsibility for someone if you treat people as an asset rather than caring deeply for them. But that just might be me, do whatever works for you.

I'm looking for someone I can grow stronger with, would you like to be friends?

>>37562

To me it isn't natural. Nothing about this feels natural. I will win. I will survive. The one who possesses my first name (which is the same one that the guy who used to sort of be my friend) needs to die. I want to eliminate him and make sure that he never comes back. I will be strong. He has no redeeming qualities while I have at least some good ones. He's the more dominant one but I don't care. There can be only one winner in this battle. While he cries about not being the main character, I will become one.

And no, I don't want to care for anyone and I don't want to be friends with anyone. I will become strong.

>>37563

That's too bad, I'm sure there would be mutual benefit.

I've also had phases where I was thinking about killing off an undesireable part of myself.

But I came to the conclusion that this would nothing but selfdestruction.

Instead I'm going to work together with all components of myself to become the person I want to be.

This will take alot of willpower though, and I really wish I had someone I could share my experiences with on a daily basis.

Best of luck to you anyways.

>>37562

>I was assuming that every human has a constant struggle between desires and the true self inside of them

I suffer a lot from this. Mostly because when it's weekend I enjoy being home, playing VNs, videogame, reading manga and watching anime. But it feels like the week is suffering, having to work. I hate working and waking up early. It feels everyone's friend of everyone in my job and I am the only one who's isolated from people. I don't like my family except for my grandma, the only one I have contact with, but she lives kinda far and I can only visit her during holidays. I have no idea what to expect from my life, life is mostly boring and during the week my life consists of hoping and waiting for the weekend, so I can enjoy myself a little. I have been isolated since high school so making friends is basically a no-no for me, I have no idea how to approach people and I don't even know if I would have interest in them. I think in the end I am just jealous of the people who look like they are happy. I wish I could travel to Japan.

>>37556

They are boring and take work to maintain. When I finished high school I didn't even try to keep in contact with them.

They are also quite attuned to the norms of society. Back then it was not as much of an issue but I don't think I could make friends now even if I tried, I would have no common ground with them.

>>37569

I believe that in order to grow and become stronger one also has to be able to listen to the darkest depths of their soul, because no matter how much suffering this part might be causing you, it's ultimately a part of you. Running away from the responsibility by seperating yourself from it is foolish

>>37572

I am a fool. Every decision I make is the wrong one. Even when I listen to others, their words never truly reach me. How can you run away if you don't even know what you're supposed to be running from? I don't even know how to run. All I know is that I want to be strong.

>>37573

The way I see it you are running away all the time because you fear failure.

It's easy to suffer.

But it's hard to put in the work to stop suffering.

>>37579

A bird without wings cannot fly. Therefore, I can't run.

>>37581

All you need in order to become stronger has been given to you now you just need to use it.

But I'm guessing you'd rather keep living a life of comfortable suffering.

It's so easy to pity oneself all the time

>>37582

I don't want to be comfortable. I hate comfort. This feeling drives me crazy. At the same time I don't know how to become stronger. I can't understand how to make it work. If the tools are right in front of me than I guess I just can't see them. I feel like I'm blind.

getoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyheadgetoutofmyhead

I think I might be insane. Do others also see the monsters that I see? I hate their smug smiles and the way that they can be so happy. I hate happiness. I wish that they would just die already. I want to be strong. I want to win. God probably doesn't want me to win which makes me sad.

>>37587

Go back there

There was a giant pale humanoid who's lower half was composed of various insects. It didn't try to kill my or anything, it simply accused my love of large breasts being the cause for me being so weak and then laughed. Instead of crying, running away or trying to ignore this delusion of mine, I talked back to it. After giving a speech about how I love large breasts and how this love is actually helping me become strong, all of the illusions returned to illusions. The humanoid waved to me before disappearing. I'm fine now.

I moved out of the relative's house that I was staying in for the past two years, without accomplishing anything. Now I'm living in a hotel living off university loans and savings. So far I've only left the room I've booked to get food or to book another room or to read and watch video game streamers in the local library.

>>37590

What's your plan?

Being homeless sounds scary, but I think it might be not that bad

>>37590

Get a job.

>>37593

In that case the jews win. Do you want the jews to win? Hmmm?

>>37594

You can't beat the Jews without first playing by their rules. A warrior who can adapt to any situation to defeat his opponent is the best kind.

>>37594

who cares

>>37595

>>37595

>You can't beat the Jews without first playing by their rules.

How does this make any sense?

>>37594

>>37595

fuck off teenbro

Wait this isn't the JEWS thread.

>>37590

A hotel sounds expensive, You should find somewhere cheaper.

>>37595

If you play by their rules you have already lost.

Jewish rule 1: Jews win.

Jewish rule 2: Gotta jew fast.

How are you supposed to win this?

>>37607

I can only consume raw material like some mangas and VNs that are not too advanced since I'm still learning Japanese.

The main reason I can't go to Japan is money.

>>37607

Oh, and I don't know why you are asking me why I would like to go to Japan. Isn't it obvious, considering where we are?

>>37610

You can't learn Japanese though.

>>37611

Why can't you learn Japanese?

>>37612

You can't learn Japanese because I'll kill you if you do! Don't mess with me!

>>37613

How are you going to kill me?

>>37614

Are you underestimating me???

>>37620

>I've been tight on expenses for that trip, but now with the Olympics coming I am not very sure. Will it be next year or 2020?

The Olympics will be in 2020.

>I really don't want to go to Japan to see a lot of foreigners.

That's OK. Have you considered immersion such as turning your room Japanese? Japan is wherever you are by doing it!

>Have you ever been to Japan?

Yes I have.

>What could you tell me?

If you can at least speak a little bit of their tongue, it'll make your time easier than having them speak broken English, mainly if you ask for directions.

>>37621

Why are you so sarcastic?

>>37623

Homuhomu is best girl. She reminds me of myself.

>>37624

In what way?

>>37626

She's trapped in a timeloop. It reminds me of how I feel trapped all of the time.

>>37610

>Oh but English is totally easy, right?

English is a degenerated language of mouth breathing retards. Niggers can speak English. It is easy.

>>37619

>what others don't see as practical as Spanish,

McFuckingKillYourself

>>37632

Niggers would be able to speak Japanese too if they were in born in Japan. What's your point?

Now please go back there and don't come back. Maybe /a/ or /pol/ is more your speed.

>>37632

>Niggers can speak English. It is easy.

Ebonics is not English.

>>37638

>Niggers would be able to speak Japanese too if they were in born in Japan.

Keep telling yourself that yankee.

>Now please go back there and don't come back

no u

>>37652

Is this a wireless showerhead?

>>37652

How would I do that though?

>>37652

That would not be a good environment for a plant and I don't think he could hold it there that long anyway.

>>37654

Maintain your selfpity?

Easy, just browse imageboards all day.

>>37668

I'm always crying so it gets water. I don't know how to go anywhere. My lucky number is zero either way.

>>37669

All right so if you can't completely deprave it of water, then at the very least you can try to minimalize it.

>I don't know how to go anywhere.

By going anywhere do you mean finding something to do?

>>37670

I don't how to do anything useful and I'm always crying.

>>37671

Did the need to do anything useful arise from somebody telling you that what you're doing was a waste of time and that you should do something else that was "Practical"?

>>37672

No, I came to the conclusion that I'm useless on my own.

>>37675

>but that didn't stop you from referring to anon as a "Kind friend", you even asked about Japan and talked about your goals of going there!

I never said this.

>>37683

Scratch that particular part then, I assumed you were the same anon. My main point I was trying to get across anyway was that each people have their own different talents & skills, some could do things that others could not, and if one has found their's, then as long as it was maintained, it would eventually grow into a beautiful flower.

I should've added in the highly-talented brother part that if he was older, then he would logically have a lot more to show for himself and he might even have his days of misery and disappointment just as anyone else can even when it feels like it's smooth sailing.

>>37684

I'm currently as old as he was when he was playing at concerts in the big city (which I was forced to go to), contributing to a local radio station and helping others be healthy and fit. On the other hand, I'm a shut-in who can't say simple sentences without stuttering and might even forget what I was supposed to say halfway through. I couldn't stand going to concerts or having others wonder why I don't know how to play at least three different musical instruments because I actually hate music and am horrible with anything that involves rhythm. It's not like he was perfect, seeing as unlike me he would get into fights with our parents a lot, but such things were often because he wanted to do what he believed was right.

>>37685

>I actually hate music

Could you explain in greater detail? Do you dislike music regardless of genres or moreso orchestra/band performances?

>>37686

Music is loud and makes it hard for me to think straight. It makes me angry.

>>37687

All right. So what keeps your spirits happy? I'm assuming based on your previous post (Loud music bothering you, not like the brother who was more willing to fight for what he believed was right) that you are the introvert type who would enjoy the quietness of reading books. Something that doesn't create a lot of noise or causes distractions to your thoughts.

>>37692

Nothing makes me happy. I'm always unhappy. I hardly ever change my facial expression from my standard blank and uninterested expression.

>>37693

Do you still prefer being in a quiet place or does it not matter to you?

>>37694

It doesn't really matter that much. I would want to believe that things would be better if I were all alone, but when I'm alone I see things that aren't real.

>>37687

Turn the volume down then...

>>37707

Early on it feels worse but you get used to it and can no longer go back to a normal working life after a while.

Post some of your art.

>>37707

Living the dream.

But all dreams end

I just watched the first episode of show called Garo. It was pretty entertaining. Chuuni MCs who wear trench coats and dated special effects resonate with me on a personal level.

>>37707

Are you proud of being a failure?

I will be strong. I know that I can do it.

>>37707

Can you teach me how to draw?

>>37758

Just draw. Then draw more. I've been in a terrible drawing slump and have not touched my tablet or pencil in about two years. Now it's been so long that im terrifed of picking up the pen because if how bad I probably am. It's an existential kind of hell.

I've been searching through my old bookmarks and found a link to a song I really liked, but it's gone now.

I feel regret now. I wish I could find it again

>>37772

I guess the problem is that you don't remember the song's title.

Try to see if there is an archive of the page to read it: https://archive.org/web/

>>37773

Thanks for the try, but no luck with that.

I actually do know the song, it's "Heartcore Youkai Girl"(at least judging by the URL) but I wasn't able to figure out the artist or the circle or anything.

I think way back then I would listen to it through the website of the artist, but that's gone now

http://caress.ethereal-wind.net/audio/car.ess%20-%20Heartcore%27s%20Youkai%20Girl.mp3

This is the link in question

I can feel it. I'm on the path to become stronger. I will win.

>>37775

http://caress.airtv.org/audio/car.ess%20-%20Heartcore%27s%20Youkai%20Girl.mp3

Do you even google?

>>37775

With some digging, I think I've found it.

Using the Archive I've found the song's page: https://web.archive.org/web/20090304223150/http://caress.ethereal-wind.net:80/?page_id=28

Then I searched the jap title with the author (zalas) and I've found this one.

>>37781

Ah or this yes. Apparently the site is still up, it has just changed the url.

http://caress.airtv.org/

>>37782

Yeah that's the one.

Thank you very much. Looks like I still have much to learn when it comes to finding things.

How come you got a result from the webarchive with that URL while I didn't?

Where did I go wrong?

>>37784

I searched for the homepage on the archive. Just http://caress.ethereal-wind.net/ . Then I browsed using the site's links.

I was lucky that the song page was archived.

>>37785

I see.

Thank you again.

I tried making my own mayonnaise. It came out great. I can really taste the difference between it and the store-bought stuff. I technically "won" for the first time in a long time. It makes me feel kind of happy.

>>37790

I'm happy for you anon

>>37790

Make sure to eat it quickly.

It doesn't stay good for as long as store bought mayo.

>>37767

I assume you're not the one I was responding to then, since he said he draws all day.

It would be nice if there was a way to share the struggle.

>>37805

Ohh, you are a typical degenerate western 'artist'...

>>37806

>western

*jewish

>artist

*creator of degenerated filth

>>37807

Do you draw large breasts. This is a very important question because large breasts are very important to me.

>>37809

What if he did?

>>37805

>i find it easier to just look at stock images or looking in a mirror for learning proper anatomy.

I hope your ears aren't that low.

>>37809

I am not the jewish Korean spreading filth, I am the noble nipponese(american) calling him out. I do not draw, but you should only enjoy wholesome art dedicated to beauty. Not pornography

>>37811

nah its an older pic from last year, didnt know what else to post

I watched a bit more of Garo. I decided to watch it at a slow pace. I just got introduced to the MC's rival and watched the two of them duke it out while falling alongside a skyscraper. That scene was very fun. It's nice to be watching something which I know absolutely nothing about, it feels magical in a way.

made in abyss is good, the fantastic(as in fantasy-like, not just "great") scenery combined with a tinge of buddhist fatalism reminds me a lot of mushishi, plus the main loli and shota are both really cute

I hate being so uncertain about everything. Sometimes I doubt that I even exist.

>>37901

I hope you keep fighting communism my man. We all need to. Damn bolshevik bastards.

I am studying for hadoop for a job interview. I can't afford to be poor anymore.

>>37906

Good luck.

What's a hadoop?

>>37913

It's a barely working jewish ritual. You summon Java classes and hope your inefficient, buggy shit code generates profits.

>>37936

Well said.

>>37913

not much, what's hadoop with you?

I cleaned my room. Parts of it haven't been cleaned since I was 12. I'm not such a fan of things being clean, but I figure that a strong person is someone who can go past "not being a fan" of something for the sake of what he truly believes is right. I want to walk a path of righteousness after all.

>>37946

Good job anon.

You are winning one battle after another

>>37946

Nice work. It is important to get all the filth (like marxist propaganda materials) out of your vicinity. Otherwise bolshevism will win.

>>37958

I'm not such a political person, but I still don't like communism. The idea of everyone being equal makes me sick. I'd rather remain a minus than become an equal. You can't walk a path of righteousness if you have to walk in line with everyone else.

>>37946

Out of curiosity, was cleaning the parts untouched since then nostalgic?

>>37936

I studied hadoop and I agree with this statement. They interviewed me and it was Object Orientation basics instead of hadoop. I feel cheated. Plus I fucked up the white board programming test.

Piss in nigger nostrils drown them

I should probably get a job but working is hard and boring...

>>37990

Why do you want to get a job then?

>>37994

I need money to finance the rwds

>>37994

To move out of home.

>>37994

So that I can buy manga.

>>37994

To pay the big evil government back the money I idiotically borrowed to get a degree in underwater computer science. And to buy more fumos.

I wrote on a piece of paper "I will become strong" 64 times without being distracted by anything. I simply did it.

>>38008

Instead of posting here about becoming strong all the time or writing on a piece of paper, just actually fucking do it.

I ended up doing 100 of various different exercises and ran for 20 minutes. I sadly couldn't figure out any other ways to become stronger. So much for the advice of a hallucination. That piece of paper ended up doing nothing, even though I really believed in it. I'm sort of sad about it. It's refreshing to be sad about something that isn't my own incompetence. I hope that one day I'll be able to be happy about something, though.

If Yukari were real, she would be laughing at me right now. As a person who hates laughter, such a thought makes me angry.

>>38031

Good. I hope that one day I'll catch up to you. But then again, even in my childhood I was weak.

>>38032

So was I, it's just that I never masturbated until the the age of 18, and I've been regretting it ever since.

It's safe to say that I have a disturbed sexuality.

As a child I was so weak that I practically never did my homework at home. If I did them I'd copy them on the busride to school from someone else or just write down a bunch of nonsense since our teachers never really properly controlled if we got the assigned tasks right. Only now at the age of 26 I'm starting to learn how to study.

Ever since I successfully made my own mayonnaise that one time, I have be constantly trying to make it again. Unfortunately, it never comes out good at all. I'm in the process of making it again right now.

>>38034

Are you a black lesbian woman?

>>38040

Why?

>>38041

SHEEEEITTT

>>38050

Please do not use the Red Truth in vain, Anonymous.

What are some Japanese desserts that I should make? Being depressed has given me an affinity for things that taste sweet. I am already pretty good at making my own Anko too. Should I just make a Cooking Otaku thread?

>>38052

>What are some Japanese desserts that I should make?

Mayonaise

>>38053

That's not a Japanese dessert, but I'm making it anyways. My last batch failed, in case you were wondering.

>>38036

How did it go? Usually the problem is adding too much oil or adding it too quickly. You have to be especially careful when you ad the first bit of oil.

>>38057

>>38054

Oh I guess you answered my question. You can always fix bad batches depending on what went wrong. What exactly was the result?

>>38059

I'd like an older alcoholic 2d woman

I found a piece of paper that was involved in a demonic ritual I tried to do a few years back. I'm surprised that it didn't pop up when I cleaned my room. It fills me with nostalgia.

>>38077

Did the ritual work?

>>38081

He's alive so I'd guess no.

>>38082

On the internet no one knows you're a demon.

>>38081

No. Even back then I was a person who always fails.

I hate feeling like I'm two different people who hate each other.

I hate being a loser. I hate crying. I hate this. I can't stand it. I just want to win. If an otherworldly being showed up and told me that it could make me a winner, I would tell it that I don't want it. Relying on others is a sign of weakness. I don't want to be weak. I want to be strong. I will be strong. I will win. I hate this. I hate this. I hate being stuck in one place. I want to move forward. I want to move forward but I feel like I keep going backwards. Everything I do is halfhearted, because both halves of me desire to do the opposite of what the other is doing. I feel blind. I can't see what's right in front of me. I don't want to blame things anymore, I know exactly who my real enemy is. I see him whenever I look in the mirror. I hate him so much. He's not the real me. I'm the real me. Regardless of how much I remind myself of a third-rate Shounen manga antagonist, I will not lose hope. My left arm just punched me in the face. Why would it do that?

Move. Move. Move. Please move. I can't move anything except my fingers. I just want to make mayonnaise that tastes nice and do what I think is right. Why am I just sitting down? It's like I'm stuck in a giant robot which refuses to move, even when the monsters that it's supposed to fight against attacks it.

>>38137

>>38138

I think I understand how you feel.

I was on a high, but now I've fallen again, and all attempts at getting back to where I was are blocked by something that feels like a lack of energy. I've been thinking that maybe I should incorperate some kind of recovery into my schedule, after all if I constantly give 120% I will eventually have a bad day succumb to lust or gluttony very easily.

>>38139

>and all attempts at getting back to where I was are blocked by something that feels like a lack of energy.

But is it really a lack of energy? Is what you're trying to do to hard to do physically or are you unable to stay mentally focused? Do you mind sharing what exactly your plan was to get back to where you were?

>>38152

Good question, similar situation to you currently, but I'm failing my second studies after being NEET and yet I cant be arsed to do anything but PC all day.

I have no idea how I can motivate myself to do something in my mind I already accepted that I failed I guess.

>>38151

>But is it really a lack of energy? Is what you're trying to do to hard to do physically or are you unable to stay mentally focused?

It certainly feels like a lack of mental energy, you could also call it motivation. Deep down I want to do productive things, but the sad truth is that I'm not an unrelenting machine ready to perform at full power.

I'm a slob who has been spoiled by hedonism for his entire life and now has to slowly and painfully learn how to build desireable habits.

My plan was to have enough awareness to perform willfull restoration. One of my number 1 motivation killers is that I've had an exhausting week or day and fall into the mental trap of "it's fine if I slack off today, this way I can recover and perform better tomorrow". This almost always happens on weekends, even though I'd much rather be productive there. The sad thing about this whole state is that slacking off doesn't help me at all.

It's not really a meaninful way of recovery, I'm just falling back into my old habits of browsing the internet all day, looking for some novelty to make me smile for a moment until I start loathing myself and feel depressed.

That's why I was thinking that instead of doing the things my hedonistic self perceives as fun I should instead come to rest, distance myself from my PC and lay down in bed to read a book, nap or just reflect upon my inner self. Well, but doing this kind of restoration requires some awareness by myself and the willpower to remove myself from the PC so I'm not sure if I'll be able to pull that off.

>>38152

>"the time I used to be happy" shrinks further and further into the past every day

I believe that's what people mean when they say "becoming an adult"

I should start watching Bakemonogatari from the beginning again. I never finished it back then and the last thing I remember was some edgy crap about how red lights mean that you're safer than when the light is green. I still think about those words to this day.

>>38152

>also I can't click and drag to expand the text box in the reply field, fix this shit tenko

There's nothing that I can do, at least that I know. The drag thing is blocked because otherwise the theme fucks up, badly (buttons go all over the place).

Still searching for a fix, blame the clusterfuck that is our code.

This is like the sixth time I've tried to make mochi. I kept thinking how cool it would be to actually succeed in making it. But then again, I'm a loser. I actually have a few tears in my eyes. This won't make me give up though. I might be a loser and a coward, but I'M NOT A QUITTER.

I have a container full of homemade anko yet it's not being put to use. Because I never end up doing anything special with the anko I make, I just end up smearing it on bread and eating it because I like how it tastes.

As for mayonnaise, it's tasty but tastes very different from the mayonnaise I'm used to. I'm not sure if what I made classifies as mayonnaise but I like it anyways.

It's sad that my personal daily goals are things like "play touhou for an hour today" or "watch at least 2 episodes of that one anime" but that's how you dig out of depression, just do something, ANYTHING, as long as it isn't just laying in bed wallowing in self-pity.

>>38184

My goals are "talk to at least one person about how the holocaust never happened" and "name the jew in front of one person who is not in the know". This battles my personal problems and the problems of my society as a whole.

I recently started setting myself alarms to wake me up at 6:00 and also started taking really cold showers. I actually hate getting up early and cold showers. I think these things might be making me sick, seeing as my head hurts all the time and I constantly feel dizzy. Despite all of this, I continue to do these things. I feel as though I'm fighting against my own nature.

>>38204

I believe in you, you'll get a bit stronger every day

The whole school shooter media frenzy lately made me remember a weird thing that happened to me once in high school. It was in year 11 or 12. I was sitting in the cafeteria, alone as usual, eating lunch and reading a book about Napoleon or something. These two kinda cute underclassman girls come up to me and ask "Are you the one that left a Death Note in one of the desks in Mr. Soandso's class?"

I told them no, I don't have any classes in Mr. Soandso's room and furthermore I don't even know what a Death Note is. Which was true, at that point I hadn't really gotten into anime or weeaboo shit yet. They sat down on either side of me and one of the girls said "I know you're lying but it's ok. We care for you. Do you mind if we pray for you?" I told them to do what they had to do, and they each put a hand on one of my knees and bowed their heads and started praying, beseeching Jesus to "help me find the light again" and such. It lasted about a minute or so and then they said "amen," thanked me for my time, got up and left.

Come to think if it, that was the closest I've been to a female in the 8 or 9 years since.

>>38215

I've had a similar experience, back then some school shooter incident happened in my country. Someone in class mentioned that I also played violent videogames, like the person who performed the school shooting. Which is funny, I wasn't even playing Counter Strike at that point in my life. From then on people would occasionally ask me if I had a "kill list" and jokingly beseech me to not put their name on it and act nice towards me.

It's a weird feeling when normal people shun you, but at the same time don't bully you because they fear you.

>>38215

Reminds me of that one time when I was in middle school when a girl asked me something along the lines of "You don't believe in supernatural nonsense, right Anonymous?"in an extremely judging manner and she also said something about how I never talk to others and don't have friends. I was scared out of my mind for a second, because I wondered if she somehow knew about the demonic rituals I tried to do. The constant stuttering in my voice became twice as intense, but I managed to say "N-no!". She accepted my answer and went back to talking to her friends or something. I've never been good at lying, but I'm thankful I didn't screw up at that time.

I dreamed that I opened the refrigerator and saw it packed with salmon, prepared in all shapes and sizes. Reminds me of that one time my brother asked me what I think my "spirit animal" is and I answered salmon for some reason. While I can't relate to a dog, a cat or even a dragon, I find myself able to connect to this specific type of fish.

>>37441

COCK

>>38238

The opposite. I always feel like I don't understand anything and feel helpless as a result.

50 push ups

100 of an exercise I remember from school but don't remember the name of

100 squats

200 sit ups

That's my daily exercise routine. Slowly but surely, I increase the amounts I do of each. I remember a time when I could only do 30 sit ups. I also go for a run at least once a week.

Are there any other types of exercise that I should be doing? And no, I'm not going to the gym.

>>38305

Chinups

Today I reheated pizza in a toaster oven and the cheese dripped. I am retarded.

>>38463

Fold tinfoil into a tray shape and put the pizza on that next time.

A strong person shouldn't cry. Why do I always cry? It's such an unmanly thing to do. I hate it. I hate it so much. I guess if I were crying over someone close to me dying or something then it would be okay, but I'm crying over my own weakness. It's not like there's anyone who I can consider to be close to me at all anyways. I just want to win. I want to be a main character who can cry in a cool way.

>>38522

During the Soviet invasion of Manchuria, Puyi had to bless Japanese soldiers going to perform suicide attack and they were all crying, the Japanese officer there said they were crying manly Japanese tears of happiness.

>>38522

I never cry.

Only when I failed my college degree I started crying after so long.

It felt pathetic, but there was a feeling of relieve too.

I don't want to think about it too much.

>>38522

Do you have a game console?

>>38541

How did you go on afterwards?

I may have to think of my options soon.

>>38545

Not anymore. I'm not interested in video games so much like I used to. I remember spending a lot of time using a Gamecube when I was younger.

>>38154

If it's genuinely a lack of energy then the best thing to do is improve your diet. Even just starting the day with a bowl of cereal can do wonders.

Then do some stretches to help circulation. Exercise can help more than that alone, but it's not immediately necessary and definitely hard work.

Then you could fix your circadian rhythm. Try and keep eating and sleeping consistent every day, stop eating and staring at bright things just before bed, etc.

Those are the biggest things for physical energy.

If it's more a lack of drive or motivation then there's no absolute fix to that. Especially if you don't want responsibility.

Motivation itself naturally has its own lifespan. It dies off easily and often doesn't leave any replacement.

Responsibility constantly spawns motivation, whether people like it or not, but it's also draining. People both crave it and deathly fear it. But again, it's draining, difficult to deal with. Some take that as a challenge though.

Other options are exploration and discipline. Either genuinely look for things constantly and let the feeling of the search spawn motivation, or force yourself to start things without motivation to start with and trudge through them.

Don't bother with drugs either. Absolutely none of them give fundamental motivation itself. And most of them have some form of crash or side effects. You don't seem the type to try them, just saying to note it. They're fun, but NOT a reliable answer to life's problems.

It's also important to think of things in two classes, as the brain naturally does. Production and consumption.

Production isn't necessarily making things, though that is the most surefire way to feel it, but rather anything productive. Organizing things into a usable state and working on skills also count. Productive things are more likely to spawn motivation. Even if it's productivity for someone else's sake, such as employment. Dopamine cycles and all that.

See what you can do to keep active in that way.

Consumption alone generally doesn't provide or drive any motivation beyond physiological need. But it is certainly necessary for nutrition and comfort. Even when outputting as much as you can, don't forget to input as well. That includes entertainment.

If you neglect to consume, you will feel bad. It will drive you to sloth and motivate gluttony.

>>38546

Since then I am a NEET living at his parents, but want to get a job soon though with my programming skills.

I am quite a good programmer, but I don't know if anyone wants someone who failed his bachelors because of depression (even though my grades were pretty good until the end).

I'm not depressed anymore though, so maybe there is someone out there with a kind heart who will give me money in exchange for work.

That or I will become a gardener.

Basically I just want to save up money so that I can live a year in Japan.

>>38162

That's around the start of Monogatari Series Second Season. Either Neko Shiro or Kabuki.

I absolutely do enjoy the series. It is great for pre-digested philosophy portrayed in an enjoyable setting.

There are way too many references in its dialogue though. Referential humor is the lowest tier of humor. But I get it really, it's somewhat natural dialogue between characters. It does make sense to share experience, to 'know that feeling'.

Yeah, watch it. Marathoning from the start is my favorite.

I recently came back from my weekly run. Something extremely weird happened. As I was around 3/4th of the way, I felt something "change". I suddenly felt extremely light and instinctively started running at lot faster, but at the same time my legs felt at ease and I was breathing at a nice and consistent rate. The wind was rushing past me and I wasn't really thinking about anything. When I finished running, I didn't feel overly tired and instead I was making a pleasant smile. I don't know why, but part of me wants to believe that I broke some sort of "limiter" that was holding me back, even though I know that stuff like "limiters" likely only exist in the minds of chuunis.

>>38554

You probably just got a runner's high which led you to be more comfortable and practice proper form by not tensing your body as hard, which makes the entire thing less tiring.

>>38550

Did you go to theraphy or something? I am also severely depressed and don't know how to deal with it.

Have considered theraphy few times but I somehow doubt these people would understand me.

>>38550

>That or I will become a gardener.

You should garden anyway for yourself. It's good for the body and soul.

>>38563

You can do all that on PC though. Emulation is a thing there too.

I think you can even text hook PC98 with Anex or NP2. Though that's arguably harder to learn with due to making search for unknown words easier and whatnot.

>>38565

Of course it can be done on PC, but doing it on the console is more convenient in my opinion, especially when graphics cards are stupidly expensive because fags keep mining coins.

Another best option if one already has a PC or doesn't want to get a console would be to look for an old Nintendo 3DS. While it's no Wii, it can still emulate many games off the Nintendo pre-N64, Sega pre-Saturn, & PC-Engine library. Since it can be played on the go, it would be a lot better than trying to play them on cell phones.

>>38566

>listening to music.

Not him but if I'm ever depressed enough to need any real amount of fresh air and contemplation then all music is going to do is piss me off. At most I'd want incredibly low volume simple beats, probably binaural. Unless the goal is actually to get mad itself as a distraction, but even then some good noise like Merzbow is better for that.

>>38567

It's not really more convenient when you already need a PC or something else to get the files for use on it, and then need to transfer files over. Just booting programs on a PC is easier, with better controller support. I prefer Dualshock 4, but Gamecube connects fine with an adapter if you want.

The only real reason to use a Wii over a PC for emulation in particular is for component out 240p/480i to a CRT TV. Real emulation otaku stuff.

You don't really need a dedicated graphics card for most emulation. Outside of fancy enhanced high resolution graphics and very picky games (Driver support) in few emulators, integrated graphics work fine.

Even an old used PC/laptop should work better than a Wii. I mean if you want Wii games too that's going to take a little more power, but still.

I love my N3DS. It's great for 3DS games. For emulation it's kind of so so. It can at least reach fullspeed SNES on most games, unlike the PSP. So you're right there.

GPD Win is technically better, but costly. GPD Win 2 even moreso. Not sure if I'll even get 2 because it's priced silly high and they'll probably have another revision in a year.

>>38569

>N3DS

Old model or new?

>>38570

One of the first Japanese New3DSs, non-XL and black.

Still on a9lh/Luma 6.something and 11.3.

Also got my brother a Black Friday one like a year ago. Should probably play something multiplayer with him sometime.

>>38572

Mine was on 9.2. Came with 8.1 or something and updated to that. Then used Cubic Ninja, because despite its $100 price tag at the time it was the only viable way for N3DS besides OoT+save which costed the same for JP. Sounds totally dumb looking back but was totally worth it.

Pretty sure any firmware can technically be hacked with the right stuff. Last I heard it was like a weak magnet and DS flash cart or something.

Up to 11.3 can be hacked with just files on the internal microSD.

Check 4ch/vg/hbg, they usually have a guide in their OP. Though it is kind of dauntingly long and certainly possible to fuck up if you fail to read.

You can even switch the region by installing another, I think.

>>38574

Pretty much. You might need a DS flash cart and magnet or some other entry point if it's too high of firmware, that's all.

You could also buy a local 3DS if that's cheaper. Region locking is bypassed. Even for updates and DLC, supposedly, as long as regions match.

Pretty sure more modern CFWs than what I have even have a language switcher for international releases that detect language by firmware. I haven't messed with any of that in ages.

Another great thing is that some games have furigana. Like 真・女神転生4 definitely does. I think some 牧場物語 and Zelda games do too.

The resolution is just high enough to make it work.

>>38574

https://pastebin.com/TQwDsWh9

>>38568

Some genki anime music always helps to lift my spirits.

Listening to a few songs on and off can get you in a good mood and enjoy your lifetime.

>>38577

That's the same for all regions though. XLs are on the right, regular on the left.

It's just that USA didn't get any non-XL for quite some time. Note sure about PAL.

>>38578

It's my opinion that if it's weak enough that just music fixes it, it is not depression. Being down every now and then is absolutely normal and hardly worth grouping with the mental disorder.

For a long time now, throwing punches has been a hobby of mine. I'm not sure if throwing punches counts as exercise, but I throw them anyways. I just timed myself while throwing 300 punches. I did it in a little over 3 minutes. That means that I was throwing around 1.6 punches a second. I'm not sure if that's good, but knowing that fact makes me perceive myself as slightly cooler than before.

I also built up the courage to go to the local library. I remember that library being extremely small, but I still want to see if I find some sort of ancient epic there. I was last there a few years ago, so it could be that it's bigger now.

My brain is melting from shitty sleep, I think it's been in the process for many years

>>38595

hot

I've decided to stop being hard on myself.

Up until now whenever I had a undesireable thought I'd get angry, feel a burst of rage and violently push it away. I guess what I've been hoping to accomplish was to protect my morals by reacting very strongly towards immoral thoughts. I was afraid that if I can't vanquish immoral things in my head with righteous fury that they would take over me completly someday.

But I've been doing this for years now, and it never got me anywhere.They'd just came back over and over but they haven't taken over. From now on I'll instead disect these sort of things, analyse them and think about why these things pop into my mind. It feels like I'm taking away their power that way.

>>38610

Yeah, deal with that the Jungian way. Every single person has a shadow, an evil side, malevolent as can be. You have to accept that, because just ignoring it or forcing it away will allow it control over you when not thinking about it.

Don't get me wrong. Holding true to your morals and reacting to other things with anger is completely fair and valid. But it needs balance, some side to genuinely argue with. Or else you'll just be a ball of rage incapable of dealing with anything.

>>38612

Not him, but having two sides isn't doing me any good. We hate each other. We want the other one dead. Saying that I don't like my brother doesn't even begin to compare to the hatred I feel towards the other me. We both want to be the main character and are not willing to compromise. Since neither of us can claim that title, no one wins, meaning that I can only ever lose. I feel like anything I try to do is done halfheartedly, since the other half will never cooperate. One wants to live an ordinary life while the other desperately wants to revive those abnormal dreamlike days. "Acceptance" isn't a word in either of our dictionaries.

I'd argue that without certain things like a love for Yukari and a desire to never give up, we'd be completely different people. It's funny how the youkai of boundaries manages to be in the boundary between us.

>>38613

Yeah that's exactly the problem.

If neither side is willing to genuinely argue and concede, to bounce ideas off one another and accept some final outcome of either the winner or some compromise, then it's not going to work well, if at all.

The whole point is to blend the two back into one with proper internal dialogue for the sake of organized thought.

You can still hate one another, but do realize that each other's input is important. Not only for dealing with yourself but for dealing with others.

It helps you internalize, predict, and react to the potential malevolence that others (and you yourself) may inflict upon you, then limit that reaction to rational bounds so that you're not constantly paranoid beyond reason.

If you want a fairly digested, end user media form of the Jungian perspective, I believe Persona 3 and 4 handle it quite well. They don't exactly articulate the issue itself as a psychology teacher should, but they do portray what could be considered the correct response to the issue.

>>38617

>I wanted to get out

Big mistake. Postmates everything that you crave that you can't make at home. The outside world doesn't matter.

I recently doubled my daily meditation time, originally for the fun of it, but after that it became the norm for me. My meditation has always been plagued with uncertainties and fear, so I was surprised that I managed to concentrate so well once I knew that I was doing double the usual time.

I'm not sure why I meditate. I just do it for fun, I guess.

>>38617

>I see what you did there.

More like what they did there. It's not exactly secret the games are designed around it.

>>38633

That doesn't sound very ~NEET~ to me. Unless it's possible to be talking about a meeting of multiple new working adults, both/all outside of the train.

Also, does spray on allergy screen actually work whatsoever? I know antihistamines do by just blocking the reaction, and I know a lot of them have the problems of crossing the BBB as well as being anticholinergics. But at least they do work.

I suddenly started trying to juggle things. I'm extremely clumsy and bad with most things that involve coordination, so I was having a very tough time. I settled for two rolled-up socks as the objects for me to juggle and got to work. I stopped doing everything else, I didn't eat, I didn't drink and I didn't browse the internet, I simply kept trying to juggle those two socks. My entire existence became centered on those two socks and I wouldn't change that fact until I could juggle them 30 times in a row. I progressively became more angry, which is okay since it meant that I wasn't filling my time by crying instead. I kept doing it over and over until I finally succeeded. It felt nice. Even though what I did can't be considered as productive or useful, I still consider that to be a victory. I managed to win.

I'll say that I'm lvl 1 at juggling now, which I can put alongside my lvl 3 in cooking and meditation and my lvl 2 in exercise.

>>38664

Fuck juggling, doing it is just way too dangerous for me. What if I toss it too hard and made it hard to reach? maybe I could incidentally swing my arm over fragile stuff such as laptop and breaks it or even hurt myself while trying to catch but then hitting my hand into something hard. I remember when I tried to juggle once then an incident happened. I couldn't remember what was the incident but things were really bad, then I realized how stupid I felt doing it. Juggling is a waste of energy and time, certainly not worth it.

>>38664

Juggling is a valid skill. Largely useless on its own, but good to practice. It helps coordination and spacial awareness, also helps you learn how to teach your muscle memory through repetition.

>>38666

It's alright once you go where nothing fragile is in the immediate area. TPO is a point whoever scolded you should have pushed much harder, rather than knocking juggling itself.

And sure, it could be considered a waste of time and energy compared to other actions, even video games of course. But it's a valid action to begin with, and million times better than crying or obsessing over mantras.

>>38672

more like.... my VIRGIN lol

>>38672

I think that's not quite true. You're on the internet, there is more than just empty space around you.

It's certainly easier to blind yourself to it, and ignore it all. Simple, safer, less chaotic. But it won't ever give you strength.

What I'm confused by is what you mean specifically by strength. There are countless types of strength, but in context I believe you just mean capability.

And if that's the case then the first step is to study what can be done to increase your capabilities.

Given you have time on your hands and access to the vast internet of information, the only obstacle to gain this 'strength' is your own will. Which is a massive obstacle, sure, but not as painfully impossible as it seems.

Personally, if the previous assumptions resonate as true with you, I'd suggest you to start with some form of psychology to build defense mechanisms against existential dread and sorrow. That should alleviate, though not entirely prevent, a lot of negative forces against your will. Such as nihilism, or the fear of evil from others. As long as you have some way to deal with them they will not overwhelm.

>>38675

I don't know what being strong means. Even if everything is right in front of me, it cannot help me if I can't understand it. I don't know how to approach things, I don't know how to learn things and I don't know how to remember them. I consider the fact that I managed to learn the basics of juggling in around an hour to be a miracle. I don't like this though. It feels wrong. It's like I'm not the one in control.

>>38676

So what precisely do you want then? Clearly the ideal of being strong. But what pops to mind when you say that? Someone physically powerful, mentally capable, incredibly adaptable? You can't start working towards any goal without identifying it first.

I find strength in articulation. To say precisely what I know, including what I know I don't know.

>I don't know how to approach things

A lot of people have trouble just starting things they don't know. That's okay. It really does take discipline. You can find some comfort in searching for information first.

I generally look up just enough information on the topic beforehand that I feel safe enough to explore. But whatever you do, you'll have to jump right in at some point.

Just juggling straight away, for example, is technically progress there. You could go look up precisely how to juggle, get tips from others, and ensure the area you're juggling in is safe from harming things, but you would still need to actually juggle. Because the main point is actually juggling. That's how you learn, how you get something to correct and refine in the first place.

>I don't know how to learn things and I don't know how to remember them

To start there I'd read about, or listen to a lecture about Jean Piaget and his perspective on learning. There are several good examples on Youtube.

Basically, he believes everything is first learned through action. Long before you ever abstract and articulate things to rules and knowledge, you build behavior, reactions. It's how children play games naturally without reading or even being able to communicate all the rules.

Only once conflict arises is there a need to abstract and associate rules and labels to actions.

So that can all wait if you can safely act out what you want to learn, even just simulating it in your head.

>It's like I'm not the one in control.

Well that one's a lot tougher.

Do you lack willpower, or is someone else in control?

Is that someone else actually yourself? If so, what part?

And then, can you talk with that someone?

Form a dialogue to free both sides, argue against control you don't agree with, concede to whatever arguments actually makes sense, find some compromise.

うえええっ、スマホからの地震警報と激しい揺れで叩き起こされた_:(´ཀ`」∠): _

>>38677

I don't know what it means to be strong at all. That's why I'm lost. I'm lost, which makes me incapable of doing anything but losing. My "inner world" is nothing more than a really big desert with nothing in it. When I was a kid, when I could have been adapting to my environment and making friends, I was walking in circles instead. That hasn't changed by much. I still walk in circles a lot. When I close my eyes I just see myself walking in circles in an endless desert. I'm too stubborn for my own good. The three things I know how to do are to cry, to dream and to struggle.

>Do you lack willpower, or is someone else in control?

I was talking mainly about the idea of fate. In other words, the idea that everything is predetermined and that the choices of the individual don't really matter. I hate fate so much. Overcoming fate might as well be my reason for existing. That aside, as I already mentioned I feel like two different people sharing the same body.

>Is that someone else actually yourself? If so, what part?

We're different in many different ways and are mostly only united by our hatred for the other. At any given time I feel as though I can only use up to 50% of my power to do anything, since the other me desires the opposite.

>And then, can you talk with that someone?

No.

>>38682

>Is there a thing you believe in. A thing that gives you courage even in weakness? Something that can make you fight even when the outcome is decided. A hope, a dream, a belief that makes you struggle against fate.

I have such a thing. It's the fact that I'm stubborn and virtually unable of giving up. To give up means to die in my eyes, so living my life as such a stubborn person is sort of like gambling it. I'm suffering because I believe in my dream. I'm always angry and always crying. I miss that creepy ghost girl being behind me in the mirror. Reuniting with such a person (who's likely no even real) is a major dream of mine.

>>38683

That is strength. Now use that strength to make your body stronger. You have a goal no run towards it. Lift weights, run, exercise. The hero you dream of exists inside you. Make him become real. Be the Ace your need to be. The world is wicked and evil be the good and strong fights against that number one.

>>38680

>スマホからの地震警報と激しい揺れ

男根を持ってくれ

>>38681

>No.

You know, that really really sucks. You could make use of your other personalit/ies. Forming a dialogue with them and learning how they think could give you strength against such thoughts.

The strength to play the devil's advocate, to simulate, see, and articulate the opponent's arguments, so that they can be argued with. Especially if the opponent is yourself to begin with.

I personally believe that's why such personalities exist to begin with. To simulate the things you don't like, to give you capability to fight against them before they attack. To put yourself a step ahead of evil, you have to think like the evil itself.

There's also the term 'keep your friends close and your enemies closer'. I think that too is relevant to such things.

>>38683

In a way that is strength. Primarily in the context of pure immortality against constant negative change. Because then you have something to fight and a method to fight it.

But it is also weakness. Because everything has a lifespan and you're clinging to one iteration of being without adapting or reproducing it, so to speak.

To put that into perspective I'd like you to consider absolutely everything as an organism; with a goal, inputs, actions, and a lifespan. Personal motivations, skills, interests, society, culture. Absolutely everything.

Say, for example, juggling or making mayonnaise. You don't just do the exact same thing endlessly, right? The same thing that failed to succeed. You have to sacrifice it to refine it.

To do so, you have to kill the previous behavior to prevent that failure from re-occurring, remember what parts work, recreate it with some change, and judge whether it had a positive effect.

Consequently if you never ever kill and recreate a motive, such as learning Japanese for a common example, it will die out. Because motivations, like all organisms, have lifespans.

And this is natural.

All organisms that do not work well die. But they're often replaced with things that work better. It's your job as a stubborn person to remember as much of what works as possible, not to deny their death, but to hold onto them tightly and recreate them through iterations of change.

This is Darwinian strength.

You are suffering because life is suffering. Constantly dealing with a chaotic world around you, trying to make sense of it, knowing you'll never make sense of ALL of it.

You are always angry and always crying because you know something isn't working.

That something isn't producing results. But you're too stubborn to change it.

You want strength because that gives you a distraction from life's suffering, hope that there is a way around it.

Does any of this sound true?

>>38664

> Even though what I did can't be considered as productive or useful, I still consider that to be a victory

According to who? Yourself, or what other people would consider producitve?

>>38690

>To do so, you have to kill the previous behavior to prevent that failure from re-occurring, remember what parts work, recreate it with some change, and judge whether it had a positive effect.

I'll try to do that, even though it's hard for me to let go of things. I always have a sufficient amount of hope, so I'll be okay.

>>38696

I never really thought about it. Maybe I should consider it to be productive on a certain level.

>>38697

If I were to aquire some profency in juggling I would definetly consider it productive for myself. To me anything that has gained me something while putting my heart into it is productive. That even includes relaxing stuff like playing videogames or just laying in bed.After all I was able to gain energy from it that I can use on more difficult things.

I think everyone has to decide for themselves what they consider productive.To me societies definition of productivity is pretty worthless.

>>38700

Resting is restorative. It just builds potential for productivity that you can use, rather than being productive itself.

Video games can be productive in their own context. Especially if you gain something from them. Even if that thing you gain is just skill with which to play the game.

They can also be quite unproductive. Like playing the same type of tetris or pac-man game a million times in a row without changing any methods, for example.

English is very hard. Langauge is silly rules.

>>38703

German here, it's pretty easy.

>>38702

>Theyey can also be quite unproductive. Like playing the same type of tetris or pac-man game a million times in a row without changing any methods, for example.

I disagree, if I'd do that and get a feeling of accomplishment instead of deepseated regret then I'd consider it productive

>>38708

The feeling of accomplishment from doing the exact same thing over and over naturally weakens over time. Spending time desensitizing that sense of accomplishment could even be considered counterproductive.

Keep in mind I'm only referring to unchanging perseverance there, like the ever popular repetitively playing to top the score of gameboy tetris.

Actually refining how one plays to reach a better outcome can of course be productive.

Games with scaling difficulty, levels, or story are less subject to all that, as they have (saveable usually) progression in their own right independent of personal ability.

Learning mental gymnastics to make things seem productive is also somewhat productive. But putting them into use after learning them is technically not.

There is value and meaning beyond simple productivity of course. Not everything HAS to be productive to be desirable. It's just a category.

>>38704

I will do my best!

>>38707

Snownigger lmao suck muslim dick lmao

Still lost but still trying. Thinking about that warped Yukari-possessed arm I had in that dream gives me strength. It was weird, overly-edgy and a total ripoff of something from a VN about Nazis, but to me it's cool as hell. I want to be more true to myself, true to the chuuni I really am.

sakurako on the front page!

I haven't masturbated for a while. I think I'll keep it this way. I don't really care about any potential benefits that people keep talking about, I'm really just doing it because I see it as the right thing to do. I find the idea of resisting something so common to be really cool.

>>38752

Sure, that's cool.

But also remember that masturbation itself isn't all bad. It's a good reliever of stress and tension, a small cardio and pelvic workout, keeps the imagination flowing, lowers the chance of prostate cancer, helps fight the common cold, blah blah.

Everything in moderation. Do let or make it happen every now and then.

>>38766

I only feel human when I can "dehumanize" myself

>>38770

Same

Some time back, someone here told me to look into Left Hand Path occultism. I finally researched it a bit and I don't find myself so to connected to it. While I'm really interested in the "making your own path" and "separating yourself from the rest" aspects of it, I don't like how it's seen as the materialistic path and how the people who follow it are Satanists. While I always thought that the Devil is a really cool guy and I sometimes like a bit of edginess, I see the Satanistic aspect of the LHP to be self-contradictory, since worshiping Satan means that you're not following your own path. I don't connect to the Right Hand Path at all though. The idea of becoming one with everyone and being in eternal bliss is revolting to me. I've never been a person with "acceptance" in his dictionary. I believe that a person needs a reason to be happy, which is why I consider mindless pleasure to not be true happiness. I want to follow a righteous path, but that righteous path is one which is decided by me.

>>38773

Kinda reminds me to this part of this video that I've watched 2 hours ago. Go to 2h52m30s

>>38773

One should follow their own path but in doing so be careful that it actually is righteous and not just moulded to appear to be righteous to fit around your own poor habits.

>>38770

When you distance yourself from natural emotion? I can agree with that.

Humans, in the case of being productive, are a race of problem solvers. That's where we stand higher than other creatures, with the ability to abstract and think rationally. Since natural emotional urges get in the way of that it feels like a step backwards from human civilization.

>>38781

The way I see it it's within human nature to go against our nature. If we would truly give a shit about being natural we'd live in caves and club women on the head to rape them. But we don't do that, because we have the chance to go against this nature. Trying to embrace natural urges is hypocritical to me.

>>38782

>because we have the chance to go against this nature.

No, you don't. Also you don't know the true "nature" of humans since nobody of us lives in a natural state.

Fapping isn't good for you anyway, especially to something as unnatural as porn, so don't do it.

>>38782

I think that some natural urges need to be embraced, or else they'll eat through you and drive you mad.

The most prominent example being eating and drinking. Like, just try and stay rational while you're starving, it's guaranteed to be impossible past some point.

But also things such as the drive to discriminate between people for their regional origin, upbringing, race, or age. As that does give a perspective with which to start when facing the unknown (people).

Building up a resistance to the control of urges is useful. But so is having the urges to begin with. At the very least so that you can deal with other people who may also struggle(Or even fail) against them.

And that's just for urges people consider negative. There's also a whole slew of positive urges, such as the drive for exploration and progress, or the drive to enjoy stories. Without any of those you'd seriously have zero reason to do anything but die.

Sadly, some people spend all their time fighting such positive urges, or have already killed them off entirely.

The whole point is to strike a pragmatic balance so that you can still actually live while civilized.

Last night I felt like I couldn't sleep so I decided to throw 1000 punches (even though I typically only throw 300). I put on the BGM that plays in FSN when Shirou and Kotomine have a fist fight. It felt great. As I kept punching, I slowly started to adapt a specific way of throwing my punches which felt somewhat formal, if that makes any sense. My arms and shoulders felt painful, but I'm not one to ever give up. The way I continued made me perceive myself as somewhat of a hero. I've always wanted to be a hero. Around the time I got to 950 punches, the playlist switched to the next song, which happened to be All Evil of the World (the theme that plays in scenes that are related to Angra Mainyu) and that transition felt like it was the work of destiny. After finishing, I figured out that I've been throwing punches for a little under 15 minutes. Through some simple math, I came to the conclusion that I was throwing around 1.11... punches every second.

I FINALLY MADE PROPER MAYONNAISE. IT LOOKS LIKE MAYONNAISE AND TASTES LIKE IT TOO.

>>38799

Good job, I'm proud of you anon

>>38796

There are a few ways to punch but the key points are to try and hit with the larger knuckles and to keep everything inline, if your wrist is not inline you could damage it. Regardless I would be focusing on form and technique not speed, training speed all the time particularly if untrained can form bad habits.

>>38799

Ｙｅａｈ，　ｓｍｅｌｌｓ　ｌｉｋｅ　ｃｕｍ　ａｌｒｉｇｈｔ．

>>38796

>My arms and shoulders felt painful, but I'm not one to ever give up

When it starts to hurt is when you're supposed to give up for a bit. You don't want to actually damage anything farther than rest can repair it.

Not knowing when to rest is almost as weakening as resting all the time.

Not to freak out about a little pain, just making a point.

Also, I wish I could feel anything from BGM anymore. In the context of a story they're certainly enjoyable. But there's no real emotional force. Even silence is more empowering.

I'm glad when everyones life is starting to improve.

Maybe being a support player pays off after all

In that visual novel I'm reading, there's a thing called Foreknowledge. It's essentially what happens when a person, typically Mercurius or Shirou, know the outcome of a situation ahead of time. It denies the person who has it any sense of excitement or enjoyment that said situation might bring. Mercurius wanting to overcome Foreknowledge is his primary motivation in Dies Irae.

I'm the opposite though. I'm not a Nazi sorcerer. I'm constantly plagued by feelings of uncertainty. I feel as though I don't know anything at all. Sometimes I even doubt things that are 100% true, like the existence of the floor beneath me. Part of the reason why I have trouble interacting with others is because part of me perceives them as monsters wearing human skin. I have trouble shaking this feeling off of me. Is this even real or is this all just a dream that I'm having? Did I really throw 1000 punches or did I just throw 100 punches and accidentally added an extra zero? I can't prove such things. I can't prove anything. How could I possibly prove that I exist at all? I'm perpetually lost in this endless desert.

I want to be a emotional and mental tank for all the people I care about. I want to soak up their suffering and enable them to be happy. I know this is a very chuuni thing to say, but I've remembered how much I liked to play a warrior in World of Warcraft and how much I enjoyed standing in front of big monsters and protecting my party members. In this game the resource that was used to enable warriors to use their ability was "rage". I like the idea of that in this analog. I'd like to use my inner fire to burn my enemys but also to provide warmth to the people I love. However, right now my mind is in no condition to shoulder everyones problems. I need to become stronger so that I can take care of my own and everyone elses problems.

To make it short, I have a saviour complex and I'm very well aware that this could ruin me, but I don't want to be any other way.

>>38824

You are like my opposite in many ways. You want to accept and I want to reject. I don't trust people at all. The wizard was always my favorite class in various video games. Even though I like the class that contains the smart people, I can't understand anything. I want to become strong for myself, even though I don't know how to become strong or what being strong even means.

The hot showers I once loved have been replaced by uncomfortably cold ones. My precious sleep has been cut short, since I wake up at 06:00 every morning, regardless of whenever I fall asleep. I'm constantly doing exercise that brings me to exhaustion and I'm meditating so much that my legs are starting to hurt. I feel as though there's a war taking place in my head, with the weirdo me and the pussy me fighting each other for supremacy. I haven't given in. I don't even know how to give up. I just want to become strong. I want to be the main character. Even if I expect the worst, I always hope for the best. I don't even know if that makes sense.

Forbiden Scrollery is being published in English now.

https://www.bookdepository.com/Forbidden-Scrollery-Vol-1-Moe-Harukawa/9780316511896?ref=grid-view&qid=1523791464240&sr=1-1

>>38830

Meditation is useless.

Learn to play an Instrument instead, its the better form of meditation.

>>38842

How come?

>>38845

There aren't many benefits in meditation, as in you are literally doing nothing with you limited time.

Being focused on playing an Instrument meanwhile relaxes your mind to a very deep level (I sometimes even drool when playing guitar), and you learn to play an instrument.

It has the beneficial meditative properties, while also being creative.

This level of playing is only achieved after some time though.

Basically you need to be proficient enough at it to completely forget the physical aspect of playing an instrument.

>>38842

>>38846

I cannot do this. I cannot play music. Playing music is the one thing that I will never do. My brother is extremely talented in music. He knows how to play several musical instruments, including guitar, bass, drums, piano and I think I once hear that he played the violin in front of a lot of people. I haven't even mentioned that he knows how to sing very well. I can't stand it. I hate music. When I was very young my parents made me take a piano class. Even though I spent over two years in it and had a very kind and smart teacher, I simply couldn't succeed. Deep down, I knew that I couldn't do it. I could never understand how rhythm works. I feel as though I never understand the "rhythm" of things. I hate rhythm. It confuses me. Whenever I think of music I think of my brother playing music very loudly to entertain everyone but unintentionally ends up hurting me, seeing as I can't stand loud noise. I HATE MUSIC SO MUCH. I WISH MUSIC DIDN'T EXIST.

>>38846

I meditate because I can't do stuff like learning music in the first place. Years of hedonism has made me retarded, so to me meditation is a very useful thing that allows me to attain knowledge about myself and to fix myself. Meditation is perfect for retards like me and >>38851

/jp/ - Mental Alchemists

>>38851

Sounds like you've got some issues with yourself.

Maybe if you could start liking Music, and stop comparing yourself with people around you, you might become not only happier, but also stronger.

>>38830

Ditch completely cold showers in favor of starting hot and easing into cold slowly.

Try to fall asleep consistently as well. Just waking up at the same time won't help your sleep cycle much.

You don't need to position yourself so your legs hurt to meditate. I doubt you're even meditating anyway, with the way you describe it. There's countless types of meditation, and none of them I know of require hurting your legs at all.

One of the common goals of meditation is to calm that war through introspection, internal dialogue. Which requires you to give in to yourself.

That feelio when you are laying your head down on the pillow and you realize that you turned 40 and your life is so inconsequential that even you forgot it.

>>38853

I hate music. As for my brother, wouldn't the Moon always think of the Sun? I don't want to be happy.

>>38854

I can't give in. I have to fight. I have to win. I hate losing. I'm just not good at positioning my legs right.

>>38857

If you compare yourself to others you have already lost.

The moment you do that you are weak. Your mind is weak for not just caring.

This is the purpose of meditation. Stop caring about that shit.

Only then you can get strong.

Until you realize this all your efforts are fruitless, and I will call you a faggot.

Because that is what you are. So stop caring already.

>>38858

I will always care. I won't give up. I will become strong.

>>38859

Like this you won't.

You are probably the weakest person.

No wonder you care so much about becoming strong.

For you its some unnatural fixation, but honestly its annoying for me to read about your stupid delusion in this thread.

So can you stop posting about it already?

>>38860

Yes goyim, stop trying to improve and consume instead hehe

>>38862

The hell are you talking about?

In this thread this idiot has constantly written about his "want to be strong".

When people give him tips, he rejects them stupidly.

When asked what this "strength" he wants to have even is, he can't say.

But instead of _actually_ improving he stays the same retard as always.

I am just annoyed by it at this point. He should stop posting.

He can "try to become strong" as much as he wants, but he shouldn't spam the thread with this vague as fuck teen shit.

The first step towards becoming strong is to stop being annoying. Or do you know anyone strong who is annoying people constantly?

>>38857

You have to give in to yourself eventually. Otherwise ALL of you loses by being in constant conflict. Which only hinders you, wears you down, and makes you weak.

There is no winning if there is no conclusion, there is only an eternal series of losses. That is what you are doing.

You don't need to position your legs at all, dork. Meditation is mental, you could even do it standing up or lying down. The point is almost always to control your thoughts.

Again, I don't think you're meditating at all to begin with. Which would really explain the lack of progress evident from your numerous problems.

>>38863

>>38860

this

at first I thought it was just someone having a laugh by ironic chuuniposting and pretending to be retarded but holy fucking shit it's gone on for MONTHS in every fucking thread, it's obnoxious

>>38856

Happy Birthday!!!

All this talk of strength, I already am strong, the strongest even. But it is meaningless, society has no use for people like me.

>>38867

Strength is relative to its use. If society has no use for you, then you are functionally weak to society.

So I certainly hope that strength is useful to you personally. Or else you just lied, dude.

Of course being weak is technically okay. It's just not generally desirable.

>>38869

Semantics are my favorite type of argument.

How about this. I won't post on /jp/ until I become stronger. That way, if I never become stronger then you'll never have to hear from me again. But if I do become stronger then I'll have something to talk about and will be less annoying and obnoxious.

>>38871

You could just sort your brain problems out through study and proper meditation. And hell, actually work out for physical strength.

Personally I'm only annoyed at your weak childish crap, perseverance in genuinely useless shit like mantras. Drop that and you're probably good.

No real need to stop posting all together.

>>38872

He should stop posting about becoming strong, but he can still post about other things.

Basically he should just stop being annoying.

I don't mind him making these kind of posts. To me /jp/ has always been a place where I could be honest. A canvas for my true self so to speak, the me that could never express himself in the real world. He's speaking his mind, and even if his intentions may seem chilidish they are coming from his heart. I think that's really important

>>38876

Okay. Jews did 9/11

>>38877

Oh okay. Here I go.

My personal opinion is that there is no true Juden conspiracy. Because Jews don't even need to conspire. They automatically agree with one another as long as it fairly follows their rules, regardless of how twisted the interpretation is. And they will work to defend one another beyond all else, to the point where they've made organizations like the ADL for doing so.

If whites would take to similar ideology, foregoing the need to properly conspire for such race-wide race-specific positive outcome, they wouldn't be so weak to Jewish undermining.

And if people in general would also learn to play by these rules, including twisting them for personal benefit, they wouldn't suffer nearly as much.

Usury is also one of the worst evils to inflict upon a society.

Indebting that society endlessly to lenders simply because those lenders can manage money without pesky morals is just painful to think about.

The fact that there is more money currently flowing from loans than current printed money exists is absurd. It is absolutely impossible to pay off these debts in currency they accept.

Such loans should never become required just to access education and residence.

But societies have already set rules enabling this evil. There is no clear way out without massive wars, and loss of life and property.

>>38878

>>38877

I appreciate your honesty

With the power of love and peace I will banish the darkness!

>>38883

If love and peace were enough to rid us of the Jews they would be long gone. What we need is blood and thunder.

I want to try focusing on my "inner fire" (area around my chest) while meditating. I feel like it's giving me power and it's making me happy. Maybe this is the path to my true self

I have become stronger.

NOTE: the following paragraph is complete chuuni nonsense. Just skip to the next one if you're not into that sort of stuff. Shortly after making the post in which I declared that I wasn't going to post on /jp/ until I became stronger, I put an end to the pointless war (the thing that was holding me back the most). As I stated in >>38844, I found a certain something I dropped in the desert. It's a huge fucking sword that I designed back in my early chuuni years because I was sick of punching imaginary demons to death. Anyways, I realized that "loser me"'s desire to live an ordinary life is total bullshit and goes against what I actually want, and said realization along with the fact that I was literally just fighting myself turned an ordinary sword slash into an attack with a 99.999999999999% instant kill rate that filled my entire inner world with a radiant light. As I executed my ultimate attack, I gave an over-the-top speech on how I don't believe in duality or something. My enemy, who is now no longer me, gives the first and only smile he'll ever give and ceased. I got the urge to draw a weird symbol in my old chuuni notebook after the climactic fight, and I did it as a way of honoring my enemy. In other words, I accepted the other me but at the same time accepted that his desires cannot coexist with mine. Therefore, now even if I lose I will not be a loser.

Now that my head was finally clear of all of that nonsense, I decided to do that thing that you guys kept telling me to do, but I would always respond with "I don't know". It looks like the real answer to what strength is to me is actually "4. All of the above". To me strength is having courage, but it's also being physically fit and it's even understanding how things work. To me strength is all of those things and likely many more. Because I no longer view myself as a loser, my daily workout has become really fun and my meditation sessions feel more like actual meditation. I've even taken an interest in eating healthy and can use my knowledge in cooking to complement it, but I'm doing it in moderation because I'm not giving up on my homemade sugary desserts.

My imaginary girlfriend, in spite of being basically an anime girl, does not speak Japanese. I know it sounds a bit strange, but this bugs the HELL out of me. That fact, along with the fact that the sequel to Dies Irae likely won't be translated in my next lifetime, have become my motivations to learn Japanese. I figured that my brother knows a few languages at this point so I gave him a call. Since I'm not a loser anymore, I have no reason to hate him. He gave me a few tips on learning languages along with explaining to me how he's on some random island in the middle of nowhere with a bunch of hippies. I already knew Hiragana, Katakana and some basic grammatical stuff before this, so I have a bit of a head start.

>>38895

I'm proud of you anon.

Good luck on your continued journey.

>>38895

By the way, what do you think about Sukuna and Seija?

>>38913

Seija is easily one of my favorite 2hus. I'd say that she's one of the most relatable 2hus in my eyes. I don't care much for Sukuna though. Nice song, by the way. I have no reason to hate music anymore.

After finally getting a 1cc on lunatic I've started to look for a job again. It's a pain in the ass.

>>38915

Sorry to hear that.

What are you hoping to get and what are your qualifications?

Congrats on lunatic 1cc by the way, I died to Okina today on normal mode

>>38915

Good luck.

After doing my daily exercise, I figured since I want to eat healthier then I should cook something for myself. I'm pretty sure that protein is important for becoming physically fit, so I cooked a piece of tuna. I took the tuna and partially-burnt cooked vegetables and threw them into a bowl of noodles. It looked as though it had just arrived from the darkest depths of Hell or something, but it tasted great.

>>38926

You still have /jp/.

>>38926

Want me to be your new online friend? Of course that'd be out of pity too at least for the moment until I know you better. But I'd never delete you like this.

>>38926

We can be friends. Unless you're gay or a nigger or a k*r*an

>>38926

>he told me to kill myself

Well did you? Maybe he'll unblock you.

>>38929

>k*r*an

what does this mean?

kurkan?

>>38932

'Kran' is the German word for crane.

>>38927

Yes, I do

>>38928

i appreciate the offer but it will probably take me a year or two to open up to someone again.