/hikki/ - Hikikomori

Hello admin

>>107

Hi fellow hikki

>>97

>>Feel betrayed by own age peers because i was not socially accepted by them

This sort of thing a root factor for me; being misfit since day one. It lead to stunting myself.

Need to interact with a person or group -> I am beneath them.

Need to advocate for myself and get push back -> Accept it.

Think about trying to socialize with someone/some group/some activity -> I'm not wanted. I'm a burden.

Think about employment -> I lack the socialization required to front a job seeker persona.

I bury the feelings and try it despite all that but it comes off fake and insincere. If I don't then they will see the broken person underneath. If I don't fake it too much then I am plain/boring, withdrawn, hiding something, suspicious to others.

I am a stunted individual. I recognize that the way to grow from that is to not be a shut in and obtain experiences. To try to go out and accomplish things but I'm retarded due to reinforced rejection and reclusion. People don't want to babysit a retard or a burden. It becomes obvious when they are annoyed with the task of dealing with this. Which feeds back to the start. I'm not wanted. I am beneath them.

That is when faced with decent people. Some will recognize the weakness and exploit it. That is another avenue which to avoid society. A normal person has built up wits and self defense mechanisms that come with maturity in order to protect themselves like second nature.

The participation trophies were not pointless like every normie millennial thinks. A person needs a core fortitude of self confidence and acceptance. They obtain reinforcement from these the intricacies of socialization and social norms. Even if it was forced bullshit. In this era of hyper-individuality it is more important than ever. Social and communal belonging are part of human nature. To build that as an adult is to build a fortress on a broken foundation. People cannot grasp this concept because it is too far outside their reality.

They don't know what's it's like to be a stunted child who is still trying to grow up properly. They think it means they still like to watch cartoons and play video games. That's why we have the hikikomori memes, the neckbeard memes, the basement dweller memes. They equate it to a lazy Saturday spent at home in pajamas. They don't see the deeply flawed individual.

From all this it stems to my other qualities of hiki. The avoidance of people. The disagreement with societal norms. The withdrawal into vices. The self sabotage. The ever growing disconnect between the outer self and the inner self (e.g. I a physically grown adult yet I still instinctively identity with younger people. I need to constantly remind myself that I'm an old fuck now. My peers have children and mortgages).

The only path out is to keep faking it while trying to resolve the realities from the madness. To try to maintain sanity while sorting through the flood of detritus and pick out the right parts from the wrong. To try to build some form of positive self out of the bits and pieces while relying on only my broken mind as positive reinforcement. Maybe some day the fortress might stand upright but the broken foundation will always be there.

>>113

I like your spin on this.

>>113

>The only path out is to keep faking it while trying to resolve the realities from the madness.

That's the thing tho, I don't want to fake it till I make it. I don't want to implement such fakeness, when it becomes the real thing. Sure, everyone else does it to build confidence but that's not the kind of confidence I want to build. Even if it means to better yourself that way, it just doesn't seem right to me. Even by then, you still have problems while ignorance is a bliss. I can't and will not have that kind of mind set. Drown me to the bottom of the pit of today's society, I don't care. That shit is fucked up. You can't be fully content with that lifestyle as well.

>>124

I completely agree.

I tried to have jobs for years, I would work a maximum of 6 months a year and most jobs lasted a couple months at best before I burnt out and was unable to bring myself into work.

Almost every job I've had I've ghosted. I've never been able to make friends, not even friendly acquaintances, I've always been the weird awkward guy who makes everyone uncomfortable.

Living like that was simply too painful for me so I dropped out. I used to be highly intelligent but years of isolation on imageboards have atrophied my brain and shot my attention span.

>>139

So you're the kind of anon who most likely the same as me

before I was a hikki and isolated myself I was pretty stupid like every normal shit brain out there but after years of reading and taking courses via internet and sitting in front of my monitor 24/7 the same as you i become more intelligent I'm even improved my english skills alot through video games and image boards it's not my tongue

but anon did you know some english courses or some sites to learn from since you know I have much of free time and I want to waste it on learning instead of playing Vidya or reading manga

I learned Spanish and a little pit or Korean so I want to learn English but put much effort in it due to it's the most used language on internet and I'm sick of translate every new shit word

>>148

Also if anyone know a site to download english series without subs or any shit jus the actors speak with their tongue, the original series not subed or dubed, for free just mention it here to use it to download some english series to kill the time and learn the language through them

since you're all hikkis here that means pretty clear you wasted your times watching anime so suggest some hikki animes and the site to download them

ty hikkis

>>151

Idk but you seems to be my imageboard friend I love you dude

I am as well 70% of the courses which I took was talking about history especially the Roman-Egyptian civilization and a little bit about Atlantis

/r9k/ has always been my home board since hikki chan ruined with the much amounts of kids read what's hikki meaning in Wikipedia and try to fit on the board so eventually they ended up destroy it

but now I found that board and it seems to be the new home for me besides /r9k/ to be clear and honest I had improved my English especially from the time which I spent on r9k

>>157

Exactly

>>113

> Need to interact with a person or group -> I am beneath them.

> Need to advocate for myself and get push back -> Accept it.

That's … eerily accurate. I feel like I could have written this myself.

>>195

I have this same problem.

>>655

Man that hits close to home. When i'm alone i eat better, i sleep better, i get more accomplished. I feel like a real human bean. But the second i get around others or feel pressured by others i fall apart.

>>113

I don't agree with the notion that thinking and acting like a psychopath is a sign of maturity. I think it's the other way. These are very fucked up times we live in, and I don't consider myself broken for being unwilling to adapt to them.

I could treat people, knowledge and activities as disposable, just play the numbers game and maybe manage to roll through life, but I wouldn't be able to answer; what's the point of all this?

I still wouldn't have real friends, my job would be no more meaningful than sitting here, my possessions would all have strings attached.

I had a plan to build myself a life outside of this hell and actually do something that wouldn't be a waste of time. But people wouldn't allow it. So I won't insist. I'll die here.

>>655

Please stop repeating the autism meme.

Have you considered that you're simply a tall poppy? You say you have hobbies that you improve at. Humans are fucking vicious. The better the things you do, the more valuable it is for them to ruin it, as if they were looking for a sacrifice to please a mad god.

Realize that there isn't such a thing as a social butterfly who's actually good at things. That's a unicorn. You only have so much space in your head and hours in a day, you can fill it with useful things, or you can fill it with the latest memes, hundreds of canned responses to pass social shit-tests, memorized names and phone numbers, fashion, and whatever else is mandatory these days.

You weren't ruined by being denied those things as a kid, you were spared.

I got caught up watching people do people things. Really that's about it. Missed or ignored every opportunity to join society. Pretty much accepted it at this point and have tried to make strides in escaping my own self made hell. It could be worse I guess.

>>716

There has to be more to it than just that i'm sure.

>>721

Maybe. I've gotten caught up in so many thoughts and memories that I don't know what's mine and what's somebody else's. There are moments where everything kind of feels like snow and I want to lie down, and others when it's really clear and I can learn a number of things all at once. That's gone on for as long as I've been living I think.

Really though, I just remember seeing so much happening around me and it's all pretty fascinating. Not in a "colors" kind of way though, more like contextually. I like to guess at what happened before somebody did something and what will happen after too, and that takes a long time to figure. Pretty sure most people do things of that nature though, maybe not as often, which is why I ended up just drifting for so long. Now it's to the point where I freely drift and have to make a tangible effort to stay grounded.

>>97

>Be 8 years old

>Nice loving dad turned into asshole over the last year due to pain from cancer, dies

>Get made fun off for my father dying by the other kids in school

>Stop trusting people

>Never have friends again

>Increasingly lose social skills

>Still go to school as needed, but stay home in the afternoon

>The "going out" part falls away as highschool ends

>move into old house my family owns so I don't have to be pitied by my mother

>Buy food in bulk once every two weeks

>Have panic attacks when forced into unforeseen social contact

I kinda entered university to try to not die without having at least one accomplishment, but the classes where I could just show up for the test are over now and it's nigh impossible to sit in a lecture for 2-3 hours surrounded by dozens of people.

My mother smoking and being a highly negative element in my life for a long time.

Being kicked out of two schools in a row, despite being one of the most intelligent there - i simply wasn't motivated and in the first, there was a cabal of teachers against me, led by one in particular, a disgusting piece of shit.

Being far too aware of how things really were in the world, being unable to stop thinking about it.

Thinking too much in general.

Never having a way out.

Too much attachment to possessions and fear of my mother destroying them if I left them alone. This was a big one.

Lack of friends, lack of reason to go outside or wake up in the morning.

Strong habit to sleep in the day and wake up at night, probably to escape my mother and the world, to have some time in a universe where no one else was.

After 15+ years, I managed to build myself up and escape it.

3 years later my health suddenly failed, I have tried to resolve it, doctors have been useless, it has only become worse.

Eventually quit my job. Now I'm back and I fear it will happen again, only now, I have nothing to look forward to.

Been sleeping in the day for the past week, it is 8am now and I'm in bed about to sleep.

I need to pick a job and a place to live and leave this behind forever, I can't do this again.

I regret so much wasting my life, my youth, trapped in a room with a computer, isolated from the world.

My advice to any of you who are trapped, find a way out, any way, because once you are on the other side of it, you will wonder why you were ever there.

It is all an illusion in your mind which keeps making reasons why everything is impossible.

It isn't, almost everything is possible.

Don't let the years pass.

Do positive things, make positive habits, and face all of your fears, one by one.

Money helps a lot, try earning online, or a part time job, save some money and use it to better yourself.

Travel helped me a lot, and finally ridding myself of all the possessions I didn't need.

Putting your foot through every electrical device would probably help too.

Whatever the things are that keep you inside, either find a way to escape them completely, and put a great distance between you and them, or find a way to solve or pass them.

>>728

Normies are cruel to a ridiculous degree.

They try to appear nice and caring, but show any weakness and you'll get stabbed in the back.

>>729

Being ganged up on in primary school, by the students and teachers, and the same in secondary school - then the same in the streets as a teenager - probably contributed too.

>>730

>Normies are cruel to a ridiculous degree.

>They try to appear nice and caring, but show any weakness and you'll get stabbed in the back.

This is so true.

>>160

>>195

Do anything, just start without overthinking it.

Stick with something for a year if it is tolerable, and if you don't like it and it isn't progressing, just change to something else.

Try a few different things, but stick with them for long enough that you can tell whether it is for you.

Think about what you enjoy and what you are good at. Seek out things similar to that, write lists down and go through them.

Then apply without hesitation, and do them.

Don't try to do it perfectly or find the perfect job, and don't think about the hypothetical negative things that can happen from it.

Just start.

It isn't easy, but the method that works well is to turn off the part of your brain that is constantly second guessing everything, and just do it like a robot.

"I don't have a cv/resume" - read 3-4 sites on how to make a good cv, bullet point the best advice, write the cv in a positive way. If you lack experience, then lost your skills first, anything you've learned that is useful.

"I don't know which job to look for" - search for a variety, read the descriptions, see which ones you like for one reason or another. make a shortlist, apply to them all.

Then the interview, then choose which one you want.

Read on the internet about each stage so you are prepared.

Don't overthink any part of it.

A lot of stuff can be done like this. Only focus on solutions, step by step, write out each stage and the solution for it.

>>124

literally had this thought.

fuck fakeness, im me

>>739

I know that feel, anon. Most of my motivation died years ago, so I end up wasting the majority of my free time and then despise myself as a result.

>>97

stpd

As far as I can recall I was fairly 'normal' until about the age of 15. My family had its own problems but so does everyone's so I don't consider that to be a contributing factor. At age 15 I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome and ended up repeating a year of school due to the excessive amount time that I couldn't attend. It was during that long downtime that something either broke, or clicked inside of me and ever since then I've had no motivation to continue 'progressing' with my life.

Social interaction became sparse to say the least and what little of it that I continued to have with the outside world only left me with a bad taste in my mouth. I consider all people to be inherently selfish and extremely dangerous, it's just in their best interests not to be for 99.9% of the time. However whenever someone can get away with something that benefits themselves with little to no immediate consequences, they'll do it. I no longer find anything wrong with that fact and have come to appreciate how valuable that facet of humanity has been in shaping our history, but I can honestly say that my life was far better when I was ignorant of how cold and ruthless people are deep down.

The strong consume the weak now and forever. Knowledge only serves to broaden your horizons and give you a glimpse of how truly powerless you are. Some people can thrive with that knowledge, some can struggle on despite it and others like myself will crumble under the weight of it.

Altogether calling it extreme social anxiety is probably accurate enough without going into specific details. In the last decade I've spent less than two weeks of total time outside and year by year the time that I spend outside continues to decrease. Despite my gradual adaptation to my current life there are still things that are a source of constant grief. The most notable of all is loneliness, which I imagine is a commonality amongst people that post here. I don't know how many people here have been a hikikomori for decades, in fact I don't even know how many people in general have lived like this for multiple decades. Logistically it's not a sustainable way of life and deep down I know that eventually I will have to face homelessness or suicide; I suspect that that's not an uncommon end for most people in my situation. That much doesn't worry me too much, whatever will be will be as we all have our lot in life.

What does truly worry me though, is wether the loneliness will ever completely go away, or if I'll have to suffer under it until the bitter end.

>>741

>>739

I have the same problem, motivation is very difficult for me - I think it is my main weakness in life.

I have found that the times when I have done the most difficult things, it was NOT motivation that kept me going.

It was determination.

Starting to do something is the hardest part - if you consider that most things carry absolutely no risk whatsoever, especially when starting them - then you can take the first step, do the first part of whatever it is you should do.

Once you have done step 1, you do step 2, and so on. Mindlessly. You do not wait for the right time, you do not abandon it for not being perfect in your predictions.

You just do it.

Don't think about the time you have wasted, do not think negative thoughts about yourself.

Instead, remove yourself from the equation entirely.

Say "fuck it, I'm taking control of this right now", and do the first part.

If that is standing up and leaving your bed, then that is part 1 done.

Part 2 is putting your clothes on as fast as you can.

Part 3 is brushing your teeth and drinking a glass of water.

Part 4 is having a shower.

Part 5 is having something to eat right away, no delay and no checking your email. You need energy to be able to think and do.

The killer is hesitation and overthinking.

If you make everything as immediate as possible, like you are on a stop clock, then things will become easier.

Years ago I used to have real trouble leaving my bed. I'd wake up late, as in the afternoon, feel down and dislike myself for having woken up so late, and this would make me feel more down, so much so there seemed no point in leaving my bed at all.

Hours and hours could pass, and I would feel worse as each hour passed. Night would come and I still hadn't left the bed, and I'd feel even worse.

Eventually I would rise, go to the toilet, drink water, brush my teeth, eat some food - then waste the night playing games or watching series or films, then it would all repeat.

What I found, at some point, was to speak a countdown as soon as I woke.

I chose 14 seconds. I had 14 seconds and I would start counting down out loud.

That 14 second countdown I would start whenever I felt the negative loop of thoughts coming that would usually prevent me from doing something.

Within that countdown, I would be up, and I'd stop counting. As soon as I was on my feet, the rest became easier.

I had already taken control of one thing, that made me more able to take control of the rest of it and keep doing things.

I still slip into it sometimes, when I am feeling down or have nothing to do.

But I push myself out of it, and remind myself that it is always better to leave the bed as soon as I can, and start doing things as soon as I can, because each action that I do makes the next action easier.

You have to stop treating yourself like a person, and start treating yourself and you body like a robot that you can control.

Control it like a robot, you don't wait until you FEEL like leaving your bed, YOU make that robot stand up like a puppet, and you make that robot put his clothes on, and brush his teeth and everything else that he should be doing.

You are now your controller, you are the robot's master and programmer.

Make him do something, it doesn't matter what - because every action you take makes the next action easier to do.

Build good habits and routines - force yourself to stick with them for a few weeks and after that they will become automatic.

If you slip up, don't punish yourself, thinking about yourself negatively doesn't help, it just makes it worse.

Think positively whenever possible, force it if you have to.

Say, "alright let's go, let's do this NOW".

tl;dr; Treat your body like you are controlling a robot, and make it do things that it should be doing. Do not wait for motivation, motivation isn't important. Doing things immediately is.

As a kid, around 10 or so, I started changing schools often. From what I can recall, this was because of bullying and my mom's frustration with the school's ability of not doing enough. Likely though I was just too soft of a kid, which I realized in middle school triggering an outward personality change. Not putting up with people's shit helps quite a bit.

But anyway, at the time of school moves, I also started moving to different cities/towns and even states. As a result I lost the little friends I had and never recuperated, I suppose.

I was and always have been shy, introverted, and according to others "standoffish". From the time of the shuffling me around, I got into gaming which kept me busy and isolated in my room until highschool when I lost interest.

Even at 20, I've no friends online nor off.

Becoming hikki happened to me but it's also partially a choice, not something I'm proud of though. Each time I've tried to become more social, I fall back to the same conclusion: I'm not good for people and people aren't good for me. I'd join an IRC channel and stay active for, say, a month, during which I'd become trivial and shallow. Not to kid myself into thinking I was "deep" in the first place but what little depth I had had noticeably shrunk. I'd crave more and more response to things I'd say and instead of holding the question or thought and thinking about it for myself, I'd just empty my head in the channel, using it to think for me.

And I had this exact effect on others as well; it's a feedback loop of shit.

I feel like saying "I can't help it" but that's a lie. It's a choice, isn't it? And of course this is amplified offline where there seems to be an even bigger incentive to deceive yourself and others, and to answer and ask things as quickly as possible, with as little thought possible. There's no time for anything other than to just act.

Either online or off, it sucks. It feels like shit. And I want to be alone, and can't help but be alone. It's a choice and a happening.

http://maverickphilosopher.typepad.com/maverick_philosopher/2013/04/introverts-and-inwardness.html

>Kierkegaard

>I have just returned from a party of which I was the life and soul; witty banter flowed from my lips, everyone laughed and admired me – but I came away, indeed the dash should be as long as the radius of the earth's orbit ——————————————- wanting to shoot myself.

http://maverickphilosopher.typepad.com/maverick_philosopher/2014/03/abstain-the-night-before-feel-better-the-morning-after.html

>Kafka

>In the next room my mother is entertaining the L. couple. They are talking about vermin and corns. (Mrs. L. has six corns on each toe.) It is easy to see that there is no real progress made in conversations of this sort. It is information that will be forgotten again by both and that even now proceeds along in self-forgetfulness without any sense of responsibility.

I don't know the exact moment my hope died, but my life was this:

>born to my mother's second of three dead beat husbands as a middle child

>he left when I was two

>she brought in a third one when I was 6 years old

>worst one yet, beat the snot out of me and molested my sister and beat my mom

>arrested in front of me a few years later after slamming my mom's head into a wall and waving around a gun

>elementary school life I was pretty much the only white kid, get called gringo, relentlessly bullied, isolated, teachers and no one else listened to my complaints because they were all mexican

>middle school I gained weight, got bullied much the same way except now I was called fat ass in addition to it

>kept gaining weight into high school, bullying persisted, the last day before I dropped out I was beaten unconscious by a bunch of blacks and they stole everything I owned, had to walk home in my underwear barefoot

>start becoming a misanthrope

>play video games, get progressively fatter, years pass by in a blink of an eye and I realized my chances were gone just like that

>during this time sister brings in yet another time I have to deal with some abusive scumbag, but I'm too scared to do anything, just wanted to be left alone so tried to ignore the screaming and pounding on the walls and the breaking of things

>he comes into my room because I ate something that apparently belonged to him and tried to slash my throat with scissors and threw my computer against the wall, miraculously it still worked and he was eventually arrested and kicked out

>things kept going on the same until one day I got tired of being fat, lost 250lbs, got a shitty job but was doing stuff, women started liking me, lost my kissless virgin status, thought things were turning around finally

>got sick with pneumonia, boss fired me because I had no health insurance to get a doctors note, lost my e-gf gained a bunch of weight and got even older with no hope to ever find true love and happiness and now the cycle continues

This is my reality and the life finally flickers out of my life, I was doomed from the beginning

>>835

This is also the first time I've ever let any of this out, I usually lie like fuck on the internet to escape my shitty reality even though I no longer have anyone to lie to even on the internet. It actually feels kind of good, thanks for existing /hikki/.

>>835

>>836

Your story is very sad anon i do feel very bad for you no offense but your parents sound like assholes.

>This is also the first time I've ever let any of this out, I usually lie like fuck on the internet to escape my shitty reality even though I no longer have anyone to lie to even on the internet. It actually feels kind of good, thanks for existing /hikki/.

Glad to hear that this board has helped you vent.

>>842

Thanks anon, sadly I have to agree. Right now I think my mom only puts up with me because my footprint is small and nothing really changed from when I was growing up and was neglected anyway. I was never taught how to be functioning, when I had problems in school it was ignored, when I dropped out no one tried to force me to do anything about it like get a GED, or go into another school. I was never taught even the basics of how to fit into society, I don't even know how to drive a fucking car right now. It hurts when no one understands and assume because their lives are one way I can just "pull myself up by the bootstraps" and make everything work through sheer willpower. When you've been trampled on and have gone through this eventually just having willpower to brush your teeth becomes difficult and the only reason living is even possible is because suicide takes willpower and existing does not in this form. I don't know what to do anymore, feels like I've somehow sunk to an even lower point in my life because I just lost the sole reason for me being able to cope and ignore that I was already a hikki again even though like everything else it was fucked from the beginning and she would never want anything from such a flawed person like me.

>>935

>Self help is not a scam,

Pretty sure it is because people who write books on self help are technically just trying to scam you out of your money they couldn't give two shits about helping people it's pretty much a scam similar to the body building industry.

>>1012

>people who write books on self help are technically just trying to scam you out of your money they couldn't give two shits about helping people

That's very true. It's like those ads on late night television, where some pompous asshole claims that you can become filthy rich just like him if you buy his complete book series on how to be successful. That's one of the reasons I withdrew from society, everyone is so eager to make fast, easy money that they forget how to be decent human beings. Morality is more rare than diamonds these days.

>>1017

>It's like those ads on late night television, where some pompous asshole claims that you can become filthy rich just like him if you buy his complete book series on how to be successful.

Exactly also the way you worded that reminded me of video related.

>>149

Just go to pirate bay (or any other torrent site for that matter), mate.

You can get most series there without subs.

And even *if* you grab a file with subs, you can just disable them.

Hard-subs are rare these days.

>>1026

>I am currently looking into genetic researches for this my mother recently confessed that my father (as normal of a person as any at first glance) also has "erratic, antisocial" behaviors he had to treat in therapy every few years, and she was worried because I do a lot of the exact same things he did at my age.

Being hikikomori or anti-social in general isn't hereditary.

>Captcha contains nhk

What do you mean by this?? captcha isn't enabled on this board.

>>1028

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizotypal_personality_disorder

It's just something that I read that justifies to an extent the werid stuff I do, it says it might be hereditary so it's just a crazy possibility, something to kill time really

>captcha isn't enabled on this board.

global captcha

>>1029

> it says it might be hereditary

It's more of a problem in early human development because of early life experiences i think most of us on here know this as all of us on here have pretty much had it rough.

>Global captcha

Oh you're talking about the captcha where you gotta type every few hours okay i get it now that's strange but kinda funny at the same time that it contained nhk in it lol it must be a conspiracy.

>>1031

>all of us on here have pretty much had it rough

Other than rarely seeing my father, I had a normal life. Loving family, okay social opportunities, I just fucked up every single time at every opportunity I had, by my own fault. That's why I want to know what exactly is wrong with my head

Also that's an interesting video, thanks

>>1034

>that's an interesting video, thanks

No problem anon how long have you been a hikikomori??.

>>1026

Not to discourage you anon, but from my own personal experience anti-social behavior is not genetic. My dad is a huge people person. He talks to people all day long at his job, he gets along with people easily, and he has friends outside of work. My mom also socializes whenever she gets the chance. My mom uses the phone, text, facebook, and plenty of other shit to keep in contact with people. My sibling also have no trouble making friends or talking to people.

Then there's me, 25 years old, friendless, a virgin, and a hikikomori. I guess I may just be the 'black sheep' of my family. Still, if genetics play a huge role in social behavior, I wouldn't be as withdrawn as I am now. So I would say focus your research elsewhere.

>>1039

>. My dad is a huge people person. He talks to people all day long at his job, he gets along with people easily, and he has friends outside of work. My mom also socializes whenever she gets the chance. My mom uses the phone, text, facebook, and plenty of other shit to keep in contact with people. My sibling also have no trouble making friends or talking to people.

>Then there's me, 25 years old, friendless, a virgin, and a hikikomori. I guess I may just be the 'black sheep' of my family. Still, if genetics play a huge role in social behavior, I wouldn't be as withdrawn as I am now. So I would say focus your research elsewhere.

My family is like this as well.

>>1037

Sounds to me like you're a recovering hikki even though you're being forced to go back to school is it at least helping you get out of isolation??.

I can't stand it anymore. 10 years and I can't get a job and other people don't understand. People are lucky that they get the help they need but I'm stuck in a pile of shit while being a shit person.

I just had a chat with someone recently about me and it's actually very depressing and I just got in a fight with my sister because she don't even understand why I'm in this goddamn lifestyle. Everything is just bullshit. I may sound like I'm edgy about this or whatever but I don't give a fuck anymore. Sure, I can't make friends because I have trouble making friends. It's only because if I open enough to them, I only get put down in return. I just can't fucking stand it anymore. I'm so depressed and at the same time I'm so angry at people and even myself. I want beat myself up until I bleed or better yet commit my life to end. This lifestyle is not good for anyone. Even if you fucking dipshits think it's the best, it isn't. It's absolutely not.

That hiki discord server really gave me a different impression on people and it's not better or worse. We're are no different like the others. No different at all. I'm struggling, I have social anixety, I have depression, I can't do what others can do like making friends so easily because I can't trust people online or in real life. I've been betrayed so many times and interacting with people is so fucking exhausting. How the fuck am I able to make friends if they can't be understanding enough. Talk about my hobby, get shit on because they're jealous. Talk about video games, get shit on because you suck or they don't like what you like. Talk about something they don't know and don't care but when they talk about something I know a little bit of it and take into consideration to learn about it more and I do fucking care. But I'm tired of being the one who has to be nice when they're a complete assholes. I can't get a job because I lack everything that's opposite of others who got one and continue of working on that job. I can't stand people and witnessing how bullshit they really are. Acting all positive, trying hard to be positive. Seriously, fucking please. You're not improving like that in a long run.

I'm a hikikomori because I can't function well as what you call them as, normalfags. Normies. People who can function so well, opposite hikikomori are the ones who shouldn't label/claim themselves as one. Just fuck off. You guys absolutely don't fucking understand what I'm going through and you guys don't even bother to care at all. Don't even fucking help as well. Do yourself a favor and don't offer to help if you don't want to fucking help. Dumb fucks. Man fuck people. Fuck everyone.

>>1054

It sucks. To know there are people in this world who fuck you up in worse kind of ways. I'll admit, I've done things I'm not proud of either but that's all in the past. It's baffling that there are those who continue to do it. Especially those who got their shit together and turned themselves into a whole new person or something. I don't know how they change their mindset like that, it's weird.

I'm sick and tired of this shit, I really am. It's difficult to even try to get back into the system that everyone is doing a.k.a. turning into a normie and all. Then there are these fuck asses that tell it like it's simple. Easier said than done. Look at this. I'm so pathetic ranting out like this. I hate the feeling of guilt, anger, and sadness that's twisting inside of me. Around my chest and it fucking hurts to know that people are just fucking assholes.

Discord server was the worst experience I ever had. In terms of interacting with people online. Even though I've met a few people that I thought are alright, finding out how people operate is atrocious. Many of you may disagree and probably because you got a little bit better than I did with making friends but I just can't. I really can't fathom with people ever since. Conversations gone to waste with memespeak and nonsense topics that's not meaningful. It's why we all end up in this state of misery because none of us can't be real to each other. I understand most of you don't want to because of many reasons. Believe me, I'm right there as well. We're hikikomoris because of the social part is cruel. While it's interesting that there are a lot of people that spans across from one thing to another regarding interests and what not, it doesn't change the fact that there are others that puts you down for some fucking reason. I really don't care what you like or don't like. What I care is what kind of person you really are and if you're not at least a decent kind of person then fuck off. Fucking problem is people. Always people.

>>1055

> Even in co-op games others didn't enjoy playing with me because I was "too good".

Man I don't know what's up with that. When people stop playing with you. I play with them online and it would turn out to be fun but then later on, we no longer team up. I always feel like it's my fault because I did something stupid in the game or that I wasn't good enough to be a team player.

I asked if I can team up with these two and she just said that only both of them want to play together. Maybe next time. Yeah, sure next time. There's no next time. At least tell me that you don't want to play with me. I'd understand.

>Well anon 6 people say you did it, we have no proof, but we're going to suspend you anyway.

>It was the fucking QB and his group of friends that pinned it on me. I had recently joined the football team in an attempt to get /fit/ and make friends. I quit that day, it wouldn't have matter if I tried to stay on the team they would have cut me anyway due to this incident. I was the center, it was my job to protect that asshole, and he just constantly bullied me. He wasn't even good and the only reason he had the position was because his Dad was the leader of our booster club. I watched as a no-talent hack got to start as QB while a kid that was really good was never given a shot.

See this shit? This is what I'm trying to make my point. Fucking people operate the most atrocious shit ever. It all leads to unnecessary situations because of people and their connection with other people. Like a stupid ass hive mind or something. Again, problem is people.

>He is the only person I've ever trusted or can talk with openly. He comes and sees me all of the time and we play fighting games or just hang out shooting the shit. If not for him I would have ate a bullet a long time ago.

I envy you. When you have that serious connection with a true friend, it's all smooth sailing you know? The understanding and the sharing personal stuff from one another is legit. It's too bad these other fucks are catering themselves to no end and meme all the time.

>>1051

>is it at least helping you get out of isolation??

At the very least it does that, I guess. I got used to my classroom, but I have to enter/leave classroom really early or really late to avoid the choking crowds of people, and I come by car so I avoid all people on the way

I'm not getting any better though, I feel in a constant mental stress state, like i'm aways surrounded by people. I cant get any rest, even after 8 hours at home and sleeping hours I feel like I just left the classroom. Weekends are not enough, I desperately need to escape and hide to recover, it is a feeling that has been growing in my chest for the last few weeks

I have to push through this, if I overcome this feel and I manage to go every day to class/work without severe repercussions on my psyche, I will be cured of at least the hikikomori part

All my problems seem to dwarf when I come here though. I dont have the will to go through some of the stuff I'm reading here

>>1073

>At the very least it does that, I guess. I got used to my classroom, but I have to enter/leave classroom really early or really late to avoid the choking crowds of people

That's a good idea anon i too hate crowds as i am claustrophobic as fuck and also being around a lot of people would probably cause me to have an anxiety attack tbh.

>Im not getting any better though, I feel in a constant mental stress state, like i'm aways surrounded by people. I cant get any rest, even after 8 hours at home and sleeping hours I feel like I just left the classroom. Weekends are not enough, I desperately need to escape and hide to recover, it is a feeling that has been growing in my chest for the last few weeks

Well that's just because right now you're in a new unfamiliar environment but if you drop out and go back to being a hikki again i wouldn't blame you to be completely honest.

>If overcome this feel and I manage to go every day to class/work without severe repercussions on my psyche, I will be cured of at least the hikikomori part

Good luck anon.

>All my problems seem to dwarf when I come here though.

I know what you mean.

>>1034

> that's an interesting video, thanks

This is another good one.

>>1075

what does he try to prove in this lecture?

>>1077

>>1070

I'm tired of it. All of it. I don't know how others endure do it every day. I'm trying hard to not lose my sanity. I just woke up and I don't feel like doing anything and yet I gotta do something because I'm afraid to lose it. Knowing that you're nothing, a fucking loser in this world is tremendously depressing. Everything I do, it falters. Everything. I don't blame the people because they are fucking people. I actually blame myself for becoming like this. It is my fault that I end up with this lifestyle. I didn't bring myself to do what it is needed to be done and I make a lot of stupid shit excuses. But I don't care anymore. I feel like it's all too late for me. I'm gonna be 30 years old in a couple of months and I hate to go for another year with this lifestyle and I hate try and try to get back into the society when failure will just be at my door for sure. Fuck life. Fuck this universe. Fuck this reality.

>>1081

>what does he try to prove in this lecture?

That we as a species are social creatures and are not meant to be isolated for a long time.

>>1086

meh

nothing new for me

>>1117

>meh

>nothing new for me

Same

>>1029

> it says it might be hereditary

>>1287

>I think it only makes the situation we're in more pressing, frankly. We're biologically programmed to seek companionship and yet still we forewent socializing because society is

>THAT FUCKING DISGUSTING

Agreed

>>1287

Absolutely true. These are very distressing times we live in.

>>1287

>crave human contact and a social life sometimes because i am a human being

>go outside or try and better myself

>get humiliated or see something that makes me want to pull out a tec-9

>no longer want human contact or a social life

the perpetual cycle

In my final attempt to be a normalfag i tried joining the Army and spent 3 months on base in BCT before getting booted for mental instability. I recommend it to other hikkis because it will destroy any real desire to want to be around people or truly hate yourself for being a burden. I genuinely went in wanting to do something good for the world, boiled down to maybe wanting to be a merc after my contract is up, came out hating the US military and everything it stands for and realizing none of this is worth protecting. Better to just stay in my room and ignore what normalfags are doing. They are going to do whatever they are going to do and i don't need to be a part of it.

>>1299

It wouldn't even take all those reasons for more hikikomori to appear. All it takes is an overabundance of resources that permits them to live in such seclusion in the first place. The same applies to any old world hermit, if they can't find a place with sufficient natural resources to fulfill the needs of everyday life, then they can't remain a hermit as they'll be forced out or die. I'm well aware that if I didn't live in a country of such abundance I'd have probably died years ago.

On top of that there's too many fucking people, the world population is booming so every demographic will see a natural increase in overall numbers. Humanity needs another bigass war or an incredibly resilient epidemic to reduce the population because normal people sure as shit aren't going to stop churning out kids anytime soon. Atleast china maintained their one child policy for a while, it's a pity they didn't continue it forever.

tl;dr Yes there'll be an increase.

>>1300

If an increase in reclusive people in the west does happen maybe places outside Japan like the US. will start taking social withdrawal and hikikomoriism seriously.

>>1299

No, he's describing the "manchild" trend which has nothing to do with hikki. Though there will be more hikkis because of the increasing breakdown of social bonds. Schools are bigger, friends are disposable, family has no meaning anymore. But this will only effect people who are already predisposed to being outcasts. Not that long ago you could be the quite one at work but people still knew you and you still knew them. People would take an interest in the community's well being from a personal viewpoint and make a point to at least know your name. But now we're at a point where our own families will not take interest in us even if we live with them. Normalfags might feel this but they're not going to fall down a psychological rabbit hole that then becomes a hikki life.

>>1303

Identity politics is a symptom, not the cause of community breakdown. I don't know what the cause really is but idpol is an attempt to find what they're missing through the most vapid aspects of it.

>>1305

> there will be more hikkis because of the increasing breakdown of social bonds. Schools are bigger, friends are disposable, family has no meaning anymore. But this will only effect people who are already predisposed to being outcasts. Not that long ago you could be the quite one at work but people still knew you and you still knew them. People would take an interest in the community's well being from a personal viewpoint and make a point to at least know your name. But now we're at a point where our own families will not take interest in us even if we live with them. Normalfags might feel this but they're not going to fall down a psychological rabbit hole that then becomes a hikki life.

This is so true.

>>935

>>1012

Both are half truth, half lie.

To some it work.

To others don't

Some do self-help lectures as a way to help others

Some use self-help lectures as a way to scam others

>>1017

People that read cards and astral-whatnot and claim to see the future also fit in your description but using mysticism to hook the believers.

Welcome to the NHK has a good example, the piramid scam, but instead of making people in debt, you trick them into workshiping you and they will help you trick others, so on, so forth.

Also to Religion fall into this in some degree and circumstances.

Morality is a subjective standar to judge things by: one person, culture, society might condemn inhuman treatment, other use it as a way to enforce law, others to enforce subjugation, then there's always the ones that fully accept it because they genuinely are in favor of it or enjoy it.

>>728

Kids do that. In primary school I used to be ostracized and called "poor" even though I was middle class. It used to hurt a lot and growing up, I didn't want to touch with other kids' gadgets because I was afraid that I wasn't "worthy" or that I'd break them and I'd have no way of paying them back.

Man that fucked me up for a long time. Imagine trust issues from 7 years old.

>>1488

They were probably just some edgy asshole kids who think death and murder are funny.

>>1488

>In primary school I used to be ostracized and called "poor" even though I was middle class

I know that feel. I was never specifically teased or bullied, but I would always look around and see other kids with nice things that I didn't have. Sometimes they wore nicer clothes while I had hand-me-downs, or played with neat new gadgets that I had never seen before. Even when I went to other kids' houses for parties and the like, they had nicer houses, where everything inside looked expensive. Their families seemed a lot nicer too. The things I had growing up weren't bad, and I was never poor, but I remember feeling like I was always a step behind the other kids. Eventually, I stopped trying to live up to the image that I saw when I looked at them, and just accepted myself as a misfit.

>>1489

No, they were normie kids who have grown into adult normies today. Not edgy at all and back in the day had the most normie hobbies (playstation, gameboy, pokemon cards, playing basketball and soccer) I didn't do any of those. Kids don't have to be edgy to be bullies. And imagine that was just in 1st grade. It set the tone for the rest of my schooling.

>>1490

I was always insecure and nervous until I graduated high school. I had friends during school hours but I could never really hang out outside because I didn't have a car to go or stuff to play with. So at the start I was situationally outcast. And then as I grew older, it led into being outcast with my other remaining friends with weird hobbies.

>>1509

> at the start I was situationally outcast. And then as I grew older, it led into being outcast with my other remaining friends with weird hobbies.

I know that feel bro this also happened to me.

>>1509

>I had friends during school hours but I could never really hang out outside because I didn't have a car

High school was like that for me as well. I had a few friends that I would talk to during school, but I rarely hung out with them outside of that. After I dropped out, I only had one friend left. He had a car, so he would pick me up and we would hang out from time to time. As time passed, we hung out less and less, grew apart, and eventually stopped hanging out at all. After that, I had no more reason to go out at all, and became a hikikomori for the first time.

>>1300

>All it takes is an overabundance of resources that permits them to live in such seclusion in the first place. The same applies to any old world hermit, if they can't find a place with sufficient natural resources to fulfill the needs of everyday life, then they can't remain a hermit as they'll be forced out or die.

Pretty much this. It's basic human survival and reward behavior. In conditions of abundance, it's damn hard and takes a lot of effort to "do more", AKA not just "survive and thrive" because there is little to no incentive to do anything else.

That said, there is a cult(ure) of "productivity" and "being busy" so instead of NEETs and hikkis being satisfied with a self-sustaining lifestyle (talking about those who can die hikkis and not starve/poor), they are ostracized even more, leading to depression and a host of other mental disorders. This actually lowers their incentive to "give back" to society even more, so they are less likely to accomplish stuff as well.

>>1303

>>1305

>Though there will be more hikkis because of the increasing breakdown of social bonds. Schools are bigger, friends are disposable, family has no meaning anymore.

>But now we're at a point where our own families will not take interest in us even if we live with them. Normalfags might feel this but they're not going to fall down a psychological rabbit hole that then becomes a hikki life.

It's really interesting seeing (presumably) Westerners talking about the degrading social conditions of their countries like this, which are supposedly the most civilized of the world. I mean, I see the worst of the effects of degenerate snowflake SJWs on the internet (and have felt some of their effects, like the SJW head of youtube and their censorship of wrongthink), but still those types of conditions (widespread commoditization of relationships, breakdown of the family unit, victimhood culture, etc.) are nearly alien here in SE Asia. Progressivism really is a disease that erodes a functioning society's foundations.

The more modern cities here in SE Asia (from my experience) have already started to feel the effects of modern-day liberalism and progress for progress' sake, though, because of the west's influence through the internet and such. So Asia's degeneration may not be too far off from today. Govt assisted hikkis won't be a thing for some time though, since countries here aren't that industrialized yet to be able to afford such social programs.

>>1536

It's not really even SJW snowflake culture, that's just a symptom of people feeling like they have no home anymore. But they're buying further into the degradation. The average american normalfag, especially the lower classes where i come from, have no familial bonds anymore and they don't know why. The lot of them just want to watch Netflix or football but increasingly that pseudo-contentment is being shaken. I mean that's where the alt-right came from. You get all these young men who don't have a future and then have all their outlets contaminated and ruined. I used to be really into all this but realized i don't really care and couldn't do anything because i'm a damaged hikki who can't even drive a car. Point is, western society is broken from a fundamental standpoint and it's been a long time coming.

>SE Asia

I think you guys are fine though. Yeah there's a lot of shitty modern culture, but every time i see interviews or statistics nothing seems to be wrong there. All the degenerate shit seems to be very surface level. You don't actually have much foreign influence besides media. The real problem with Asia in general is fucking China. Especially after Mao that whole population is this toxic cesspit of pollution low trust attitudes. They're nigger tier people with the agency to sustain themselves. They have a very fucked up culture and government , and it would only take one more serious leader to take control and and hit the chaos button on the whole world. I honestly believe China is the greatest threat on the planet. Not even Russia and the U.S. combined could stop them if they went totally balls out economically and militarily. They're like an enormous hive of insects festering in this part of the world that nobody talks about.

What part of SE Asia are you in? My dad grew up in Singapore when my grandpa was working for an oil company and i hear that country is really cool now.

>>1552

>It's not really even SJW snowflake culture, that's just a symptom of people feeling like they have no home anymore. But they're buying further into the degradation. The average american normalfag, especially the lower classes where i come from, have no familial bonds anymore

Ahh, I didn't take the lower class conditions into account because stuff about that side isn't that prominent on the internet. The closest thing I've seen a lot are those commie SJWs who want to kill and redistribute the rich or something, but others have criticized them saying that those SJWs themselves are living lives of luxury compared to the actual poor working class who don't even have the luxury nor time for complaining.

>SE Asia

Singapore is pretty nice and civilized but I don't live there. It was quite hot there, though. I live in one of the "developing countries" in SE Asia. As for the problems here, it's stuff like the power and control of drug cartels, widespread govt corruption, bad infrastructure, and lots of violent crime.

So yeah, people here still don't really have that culture of victimhood and complaining about trivial things like that X is sexist or bigoted, etc. because there are actual serious problems that have yet to be addressed unlike in the most civilized places in western countries where it seems that some just want to feel the most oppressed because of every little thing.

>China

Yes, I've seen mainland chinese in other countries and I've seen their rude behavior firsthand. It's understandable that they have a rep of being the worst tourists of any country. They aren't much of a problem here, and as for China the country, no one in SE Asia can really do anything about it so from what I see we just accept whatever. I don't think their culture is much of a problem though, since it's not like they're raring to immigrate, and to SE Asia of all places.

>>1555

>lower class stuff

Eh, there's that for sure, but what i'm trying to describe is that the lower class is the most susceptible to this breakdown. Middle and upper class still has a culture of giving a shit about community to some degree, and they have the ability to move to better areas. Plus the upper middle class trust fund kid SJW is mostly a meme. Sure the "intellectuals" fit into that category but that's true of any intellectual class. When you really look at the people falling for the shit, it's poor people, and nowadays everybody goes to college because anyone can get a loan for it. The upper classes actually don't spend that much time watching TV as they money to do shit. The electric jew works best on the poor.

>I live in one of the "developing countries" in SE Asia

>lots of violent crime

What country? I don't know tons about the east but this seems weird.

>>1557

>>Be gay, but repulsed by any sort of touch or affection because I don't feel human

>>Be afraid of hospitalization due to being abused & witnessing how little the people there care about the crazies when I did go

I know these feels, anon. Though it's always weird for me to hear about overbearing parents causing this because i'm the total opposite, my parents basically didn't exist other than to feed me and emotionally abuse me. Good luck with the schizophrenic stuff, i fear i'm right behind you with that shit.

>>1560

living the nightmare

Hopefully my dad stays alive long enough for me to get my degree. I'd finally be able to just detach myself from all worries, knowing that if he dies and im still cursed with this affliction, i can use the inheritance to live out my last few years in peace without any fear or anxiety of having to deal with people ever again. funny right? attainment of inner peace after having abandoned all hope

lucking out on crypto or getting a remote job would be ideal, though.

>>113

I couldn't have described the intricacies of this (my) situation any better than you did in your write up. A way to look at it alternatively can be that even the most driven and highly praised "individuals" in this life have lived vicariously through the likes of their own favorite actors, artists and family at one point or another. What begins as a sort of emulated or artificial confidence in youth often evolves and grows with ones identity into it's own brand of inherited strength. This process rarely see's itself through properly however as it can't account for the vast amount of emotional and psychological hurdles/traumas that many of us are inevitably put through while developing our sense of self. I can say without a doubt that my broken home contributed to creating the spineless and emotionally unavailable "adult" I am today. Those experiences set a deep inferiority complex under my skin and leave me feeling perpetually alone and misfitted whether in the warmest of company (in the past) or the most memorable of places all throughout my life. These feelings led me down the depression rabbit hole fairly early on and spawned many a binge drinking session in an effort to dull that weaker half that keeps my heart and mind anchored to the ground. Obviously didn't work, in fact it lost me my last job around 8 months ago. I'm aware of the steps necessary to drag myself out of this apartment, but i'm far too afraid of people at this point as well as the likelihood of any income allowing me to slip back into bad habits because i'm still very much the same miserable bastard, if not even more so.

>>3644

Interesting the way you describe growing up, training the self defense mechanism (ego), the identity. We form a rationalization to defend an imaginary position that we find ourself in. I would suggest that: if you change the story, you can change the heading of (your) life. By stepping outside of your comfort zone. Reimagine the self in a new setting without all of the problems, ineffective behaviors, difficult people, the ones that are to difficult to deal with just eliminate them from the picture, etcetera. No alcohol or substances that interfere with brain function, step back from yourself and be a witness, watch what the mind suggests and say no to anything bad, ignore the emotion, and feelings of inferiority until new patterns of behavior are well established. Do not punish the self, love and accept who you are and make small changes everyday until you become what you think you should be, you will find a comfortable spot and know when to stop.

take care :)

>>3609

society is a spook

>>3792

>society is a spook

I really wish that were the case.

>>97

In its most abstract, it's a question of whether surrounding yourself with the wrong people is as good, better, or worse than with no one at all. Here's the more concrete, personal answer:

What someone means by "wrong people" is subjective, of course, but for me, being ambitious and always holding lofty ideals for my life, "wrong" is anyone who holds me back from achieving my goals, or anyone I simply dislike. I'm somewhat of a narcissist and consider myself better than most people, and combining that with the fact that I want to be surrounded by my equals and my betters, I opt out of society.

Problem is, society didn't exactly like that, so I couldn't make it into any universities except for one whose math program was filled with mindless, brainless normies who heard from a counselor or career fair that an actuary is someone with a math degree that makes a lot of money. I graduated high school early a year and a half prior (January 2016), and spent the time from then to uni either locking myself in my room or going to work at the behest of my loving father. Turns out service-based work isn't something I'm good at. Turns out that 17/18-year-old high school grad can't get more technical, "asocial" work. Anyway, flash forward to uni and I spend a week deciding whether to be amused or annoyed at the student population; I opt for the latter. After locking myself in my dorm for 2 months, I drop out just before I get straight Fs on my record, and a few months more of bouncing between houses and shutting myself in my room, here we are. Just 3 weeks before my 19th birthday, just 2 weeks after the 2nd anniversary of going full hiki. The future: going from sister's to nana's, ultimatum being that I must be "gainfully employed," and hopefully I'll find somewhere that'll let me fuck off and do my own thing for money. In the meantime I'm learning programming since it's one of the few technical fields that doesn't really need schooling if you're brilliant enough, though I'd much rather be a mathematician. Gotta make compromises somewhere, I suppose.

Bear in mind that I didn't talk about my early childhood, my mom being a drug addict, or my earlier disdain for my peer groups, since I don't want to speculate on my admittedly-horrid autobiographical memory. At least I can say with confidence that my dad was right all along, even if it feels like it's too late and the self-afflicted damage has already been done.

>>765

this

>>3951

>extroverted hikikomori

That sounds like an oxymoron.

>>3951

>>3958

How long were you at home until you got that gas station job anon??.

>>4063

>>4064

>>4065

Interesting story anon.

>>4066

I second this, thank you for your story anon.

Have you ever thought of visiting your homeless friends again? I wonder what they are doing today and if they are even alive.

its the only thing i know.

i was cyberschooled since 2nd grade

constantly being on a computer, the internet became my world

this is all i know, and i like it best this way

im a hikki, but often times i don't really feel isolated from the world at all, because to me, this is the world.

>>665

>my possessions would all have strings attached.

This is a very underrated post.

>>728

I can confirm this brutality from my own childhood. We had this one boy. His father died on the battlefield. Then there is this other guy who makes fun of him. Stuff like "I'm gonna fuck your father". Really sick. The world is a disgusting place.

>>5022

>We had this one boy. His father died on the battlefield. Then there is this other guy who makes fun of him. Stuff like "I'm gonna fuck your father". Really sick. The world is a disgusting place.

That's disgusting people are so cruel i swear.

>>5025

Yeah and the worst thing is we were like 10 years old or something (4th grade). Imagine children as young as 10 years old already rotten to the core. The boy who was picked on also never did anything bad to the bully. His father was probably also a war hero. Probably saved many lives of comrades or civillians and then you have this little smug shit to come and make fun of your father for no reason until you break out in tears in the change room of the gym.

Sometimes I believe that children like the bully in my story grow up to become bankers, politicians and business managers which leads to the world beeing controlled by the most vile individuals of society.

>>5031

That pretty much is what happens considering the personality type of those who seek out power. Wish I could find the study that showed bullies growing up to be the successful ones, it really made me realize how bad things really are.

Taken away from my mom at 2 lived with my dad until 12 during that time I would ditch school and lock myself away play video games or go on the internet a few time walking around town with my brothers that would hit and make fun of me a lot. My brother died when I was 12 that's when I started isolating myself emotionally didn't notice until later that I felt a lot of guilt over it. Tried to fix myself in high school ended up just making me worst. Went to one semester in college one day I just decided I wouldn't go again. No one cared that I never left my room now I feel stuck here forever.

>>5031

>Sometimes I believe that children like the bully in my story grow up to become bankers, politicians and business managers which leads to the world beeing controlled by the most vile individuals of society.

Or they end up becoming actual criminals as well.

>>5031

>>5032

I've started reading Marcus Aurelius's Meditations, and interestingly enough, Marcus himself draws a bit of attention to these kinds of people. In one passage he refers to "…the peculiar ruthlessness often shown by people from 'good families.'" Which hit very close to home as it reminds me of some of the people from middle/high school. Normalfags often say that "when someone bullies you, it's because they are unhappy with their own lives." I have never found this to be true. The bullies I remember were the kids from wealthy families, who live in big houses, had all the latest gadgets/games/cars, had plenty of friends and girlfriends, had loving parents, and basically wanted for nothing. And for reasons that still somewhat escape me, those were always the kids who messed with other people the most, and saw everyone else as being lesser.

Now, thanks to nepotism, they still have everything they could ask for, they still take it all for granted, and they still treat others like trash.

>>5046

>The bullies I remember were the kids from wealthy families, who live in big houses, had all the latest gadgets/games/cars, had plenty of friends and girlfriends, had loving parents, and basically wanted for nothing. And for reasons that still somewhat escape me, those were always the kids who messed with other people the most, and saw everyone else as being lesser.

The kids in my school were like this as well.

>>113

>>The only path out is to keep faking it while trying to resolve the realities from the madness

My worst experiences and memories are from the times I was trying to do this. Every time I think back to when I was trying to be normal I cringe. I lack the skills necessary to even pretend to be normal. I've accepted that when I need to socialize, the best me I can be is silent and polite.

>>5132

I think we've all tried reintegrating at some point, and it almost always ends up the same way, going right back to isolation. We just aren't very compatible with society as we lack the proper social experience to connect with those around us. At any rate, I'm glad to hear that you're alright for the time being anon.

>>5132

No way for you to fake taking the pills? They're essentially a chemical lobotomy, messes with your frontal lobe the same way.

>>5136

Thanks alot

>>5138

I'm trying to do so I hide the pills under my billow and tell them that I've taken them, I'm afraid that they may discover them though

>>5141

I have lately been trying to reintegrate in society, your story touches me. I understand what you say with 'sick society' i too don't have much desire left to participate in it, i think it has many diseases as well, many problems. But i don't know. Don't you suffer in your position anyway? Is it just a question of where to go to experience the least amount of suffering? Or can we somehow get away from misery altogether? Maybe the sickness of society, we have to go through it in order to get past it

>>5219

Funny how I always thought I was the only one with this mindset.

Hopefully, when I die, my waifu will wait for me at the gate to the other realm.

>>5266

>Hopefully, when I die, my waifu will wait for me at the gate to the other realm.

Same here.

>>5266

>Hopefully, when I die, my waifu will wait for me at the gate to the other realm.

I hope she does anon, and I'm sure she'll be overjoyed to greet you. Just don't rush into death too quickly. We all die sooner or later, and stay dead forever, but life is finite so make the best of it while you're here.

>>5296

>I think my fuel will be completely used up by age 30.

I know what you mean, most the time it feels like I'm running on empty. I've always been 90% sure that I wont live to see 40.

>I am glad that one day it will all be over.

Ironically, this is the only reason that I continue living, is because I know this suffering can't possibly last forever. One day, we will all be gone and the people who knew us will be gone, and it will be as though we never existed, and I find a lot of comfort in that. So for now, I choose to get what enjoyment I can out of this life, while also looking forward to the day that it will all end.

>>5307

yeah the feeling I have is like I were a plane high in the air. The problem is just my fuel ran out and I am gliding down now. Eventually there must be an impact. Also there is not much to do past age 35 or 40. Your looks start to fade, your health starts detoriating fast and if you don't have a family, passion or career that gives you meaning then there is nothing worth getting up in the morning or at all. This is one of the reason why middle aged americans are the most prominent victims in the current opiate crisis. If you are a failure and already at age 40 why even try anymore.

Same as op except my parents talked me into getting married. I agreed so I'll be less of a disappointment to them. But I wish I could get my old life back. I know it sounds selfish but this lifestyle just isn't for me.

I actually go to the bathroom so I can be alone and think. It's so pathetic!

A bit similar to OP. I apologize if my english sounds weird, as time went on it deteriorated for some reason.

>Actually a social, normal, "smart" child. Parents are over-protective but everything is fine.

>Get molested. Tell my parents, mom blames me and makes fun of it.

>When I was 9 my mom made me change classes for reasons related to her "over-protection" that I will not go on detail.

>I try to make new friends but everyone ignores me for some reason.

>As the year passes no one talks to me, eventually I give up. Now I'm just the silent weird kid.

>Eventually be reunited with old class, happy because muh frends.

>Turns out everyone forgot me. No one talks to me anymore and they all became normalfags while I began my robot transition.

>I'm bullied. I consider suicide but in the edgy 12 years old kid way.

>High school begins, "maybe things will change."

>I get bullied again, it's actually worse than before.

>I tell my parents, they don't give a shit.

>Attempts suicide but I'm a faggot.

>2 years of bullying, one day I almost bring a gun to class but I'm a faggot.

>Eventually the "bullies" drop out HS and I don't see them ever again.

>Everything is chill, but the damage is done: anxiety, depression, and paranoia. Can't talk to people without getting anxious, can't look at people at their faces, literally forgets how to interact with people, don't trust anyone, etc. But for some reason some classmates still try to "get me out of my shell."

>Parents divorce.

>House is hell, my mother constantly hits and yells at me for no reason other than to vent her frustration.

>Eventually my father leaves and, slowly, everything calms down.

>Before HS ends, I somehow get a gf and a friend.

>"Wow! Am I a normalfag now? WIll I regain everything I lost? Will I stop feeling this painful loneliness?"

>Gf is "abusive," drama happens for 7 months until she breaks up with me.

>I actually tried to better myself for her, but now that the only source of company, love and support I ever had is gone there is no point on even trying.

>Drama happens and friend leaves too.

>Actually went to college for 1 week, but my ex was my classmate and shit happened.

>Eventually drops out.

Now I just spend my days on my bedroom, the only human interaction I have is my mom. She has an erratic behaviour and anger issues so you can imagine what I have to put up. Before I at least tried to go outside to avoid her, now I just accept whatever that happens.

Next year I will have to enroll to college again or who fucking knows what my mom will do. But I know everything I may say about what happened in my life is an excuse to continue my shitty life-style.

I just wish I could stop being such a fucking faggot and kill myself instead of thinking that perhaps "life will get better."

It never got better, and it never will.

>>5854

> Get molested. Tell my parents, mom blames me and makes fun of it.

Wow, sorry to hear that. Sounds like life handed you a shit mother tbh

>>5857

Thanks anon, that actually means a lot to me.

I remember she trying to shift blame for never telling me that "no one can touch you this way! you must tell me if that ever happens!" because "kindergarden was supposed to teach me that."

>>5860

Schools are the way they are in the first place because parents are useless and irresponsible. They selfishly reproduce without considering the consequences, and then send the kids to school and expect everything to be taken care of because they don't want to raise them themselves. The men are negligent idiots that don't think about anything, if they are even present, and women are a bunch of whores that are incapable of being rational to begin with, so of course they won't consider that almost all of their impulses are destructive. There aren't many good parents out there, and I'd say that it's almost impossible to be a good enough parent to justify actually having children, even more so in the present. In fact, having children in the first place is already a crime that is hard to make up for, inherently, in this world. Your mom is a real piece of shit, though. I don't think you will mind if I say that.

Got fat. Childhood friends slowly went cold on me during puberty. With no friends I started playing WoW. Gained more weight, stopped caring about the real world. Highschool the depression started. Freshman year of college i started failing classes, not wanting to leave my dorm. I'm 26 now and I've been hikki for at least 3/4ths my adult life. I'd blame being fat first, and second my family history of clinical depression.