/hikki/ - Hikikomori

>>97

I've been sick since I was young, couldn't really join society to begin with. Was a hikkikomori for most of my life because of this.

Eventually my mother helped me get better, I worked my way into getting a job at a gas station.

That quickly taught me that no matter how amazing I become, there's no hope for these people, I'd rather just be comfy at home.

I'm the only extroverted hikkikomori on this board.

also the few years i was in school lots of drama and bullying, people love to pick on the weak. too bad i always fought back and got suspended.

>>3957

Such is my life.

It really just means I want to be social and like people, but me and current society are just incompatible.

life-story wall of text inc, wanted to get this off of my chest, feel free to ignore. i included the essential outline but left out lots of stuff due to not wanting to write too much. if it's not okay for this board feel free to delete. k body was too long, so this'll be part1.

>had soft, feminine voice way longer than any other boys

>had feminine figure and face and got confused for a girl alot due to voice + figure

>move around alot

>only child

>despite this, still had a few friends

>get made fun of alot, especially by girls

>parents buy me an n64 as a gift a few months after it came out, 3rd or 4th grade, second console after snes

>start playing lots of vidya

>start playing yugioh

>get fat

>girls make fun of me even more

>ditch yugioh for mtg

>have two "friends" now, one of whom makes fun of me themselves alot and are twofaced, the other is an asshole in general, are only ever nice to me when we're alone and even that's iffy

>8th grade comes

>move again during summer between 7th and 8th grade, this time to a 90% mexican area because poor

>no friends

>everyone thinks i'm weird because at this point i rarely say more than a single sentence during an entire week of school

>5ft10 and 210~lbs so girls are repulsed by my existance

>join chess club, meet a good friend named david over our common love of morrowind

>start looking at more and more perverted porn, mostly reading ero fiction rather than watching

>9th grade comes (schools in this area were 7th-8th-9th in one school and 10th-11th-12th at the actual highschool)

>abandon the games i loved playing for world of fucking warcraft, which i will immensely regret later on

>chess club ceases to exist in 9th grade due to not enough members

>constantly depressed

>porn i read gets even more fucked up

>david and me talk online all the time in spite of living within 15 minutes walk mostly due to laziness, plus he was smart enough to avoid WoW

>10th grade comes

>stll confused for a girl occasionally, but not as often

>surprisingly make a friend immediately over both of us playing WoW

>meet second friend randomly by each of us sitting nearby eachother alone at school breakfast

>meet third friend who's a DM for a group of dnd players

>said DM is also a homosexual furry but i let it slide

>start playing dnd with them

>discover DXM

>start using it fairly often, once a week bare mnimum

>shoplift very frequently, hitting up almost all the stores in my area for the sweet, sweet tussin

>grades plummet

>fucked-upness of the porn i read gets even worse

>begin losing a bit of weight

>stop playing WoW for awhile

>11th grade comes

>dad dies

>mom breaks down mentally

>using dxm once a day at this point, unless i'm unable to procure any

>discover tor and the silk road

>get powder dxm, as well as some lsd

>get job at subway (sandwiches, not transportation system)

>browsing a marxist forum and see that a banned user had posted a list of jewish members of the bolshevik party at the time of the revolution

>'wtf'

>research the jewish question

>'hitler did nothing wrong'

>fail to integrate any political-philosophical learnings into my everyday life of a perverted, tussin-chugging piece of shit

>continue shoplifting

>continue reading extremely perverted ero fiction

>dxm use goes up in frequency even more after dad's death

>12th grade comes

>find out i have a full-ride scholarship to arizona state, incl. dorms n shit, due to being a poorfag, in spite of my 2.9GPA and me being a fucking white male

>dnd group drifts apart

>my longtime friend david ghosts me, literally refusing to speak with no explanation, years later he messaged me saying he did it because i was being a clingy friend

>quit job at subway due to 'lol scholarship peace out bruv'

>immediately regret quitting subway due to no more money for anything

>choose chemistry as my major

>have to take an online test to be able to skip pre-calc and go straight into calc, as i was a shitty student and only in trig

>have friend help me with the test

>start college, move into dorms at ASU

>dorm i'm in is two rooms containing two students, connected by a shared bathroom

>no roomate for my room due to the heavens smilling upon me and also maybe there wasn't enough students for that dorm

>still play WoW a bit, a few months playing, quit, then again, etc

>finally quit WoW for good tho

>major in chemistry is hard, my motivation that i expected to come to me isn't there also dxm still an everyday thing

>fail calculus

>get job at a grocery store

>retake in spring semester

>fail it again

>drop out, well still lived in dorms but stopped going to most classes, only kept going to two classes which is the minimum to not get kicked out of dorms

>>4063

k here's part2.

>one of my coworkers at grocery store is renting a room

>is actually renting 1/3 of a room as said room already has 2 others renting, but fuck it i'm desperate

>don't get my name on lease due to said desperation for a place

>meet dude named bob, pretty cool guy and also into teh durgs

>the coworker renting to us and her jewish friend/roommate kick bob and me out with 12 hours notice due to the yid inheriting money from his dad or some such shit and thus not needing us

>get coworker who kicked us out fired, revenge is nice when it goes smoothly

>bob and me decide to pool our money and get an apartment so we don't become homeless

>bob's girlfriend lets us stay with her (she lived in same complex as the place we were planning to rent), as the apt. wasn't ready for 30 days

>every going good

>bob's gf dumps him lolgg

>bob loses his job because he's the only white dude at the place he works and apparently one of the workers ten thousand cousins needed a job more

>we rent room to dude we find on craigslist

>he steals our rent money, spends it on booze then gets himself arrested for disorderly conduct or smth.

>i lose job shortly thereafter due to bullshit

>we become homeless

>still shoplifting, still chuggin that tussin

>still a bit overweight but not too bad

>my university username/password still works so i spend most of my tme on the uni library computers

>meet bunch of other young homeless folks

>been arrested a few times by this point for shoplifting and trespassing charges

>decide to move to spokane, washington

>save up money from spare changing

>get greyhound tickets

>bus stops a few times, including once in salt lake city, utah

>take a nap at the salt lake station, wake up and my backpack is gone

>fuckmylife

>see a bike by itself with no lock and no one nearby

>hop on and start riding north

>tires eventually give out

>hitchhike on an overpass for 2 days, sleeping in nearby park

>near end of 2nd day, dude offers me a ride

>end up about 80 miles north, in some city whose name i can't remember

>steal a bunch of shit from a walmart with the knowledge that i'll never come back to this city, incl. backpack, sleeping bag, clothes, and a bike

>eventually get more greyhound tickets to spokane

>morning of the bus's departure comes, i only have $10 to my name and the stuff in my bag, so i go into a gas station, get a water cup, put soda into it, and walk out

>she calls cops, i get arrested, 30 days time for soda in a watercup, no mention of stolen stuff from walmart so yay

>other dudes in the jail give me nickname 'sodapop'

>lol

>get out, exchange tickets for up to date tickets, then hop on bus a few hours later

>arrive in spokane, it's mid-november

>have $5 in my pocket

>walk around for awhile, look for a place to crash

>see two other hobos

>"any shelters in the area?" "yeah, a mission up the road" "ty"

>get to the mission the next day, stay there a month, playing chess with other hobos all day

>almost everyone at the mission is middle-aged or later

>still dxm very often

>month later, ask some of the other homeless folks who're my age why they don't stay at the mission

>"mission is full of pedos, check out the child offender registry bro" "damn son"

>start reading books alot again, almost entirely politics, philosophy, religion, history

>leave the mission, crash with a few dudes and a chick in a fort under a bridge near two of the colleges (there was gonzaga university and one of the state colleges next to eachother)

>fort is made of wooden pallets and tarps, but there's lanterns inside and it's warm

>snow falling heavily around this time

>do other homeless stuff, make some good friends

>i'm no longer shy with talking to others mostly, altho i'm still terrified of showing any romantic interest in girls due to 0 selfesteem and awkwardness

>we start a tent village along the spokane river

>authorities turn a blind eye for the entirety of winter and only evict us when summer comes which was nice

>we, btw about 20 of us total who live together, move into the woods, about an hours walk to get into town

>by this point i'm no longer fat, actually healthy and in good shape

>no longer get mistaken for a girl, am now just an ugly dude

>more shoplifting and tussin

>meanwhile, i talk to my mom on the phone, apparently she's living with her current boyfriend, says i can come stay with them

>no thanks, i'm fine

>fakes being terminally ill in the hospital to get me to come home

>go to seattle for a few months before heading to arizona, it sucks ass

>back in arizona, she's not in the best health but not 1/100th as bad as she said it was

>whatever

>eventually get a cheap laptop from the pawnshop

>living indoors is pretty nice

>2.5 years since i moved back to arizona

>>4064

and here's part3, last one.

>not shoplifting anymore

>no job yet, no relationships no friends, i should have fucking stayed in washington

>leave the house to get groceries and shit, but other than that at home on the comp

>eventually stop using dxm, only drug i use now is the caffeine in coffee and, once a month or so, having some vodka

>sitting on my fatass instead of walking around with a heavy backpack, eating junkfood and regular meals instead of one small meal a day at best makes me gain weight, who knew

>about 40lbs overweight at present day

>laptop isn't good, but it's enough to play games like morrowind, starcraft 1, guildwars 1, lots of gba/n64 emulations, etc

>played about 5k hours of dota2 since i came back also, before finally putting that piece of shit soulsucking game behind me

>got into an online relationship, if you can call it that, it was real to me anyway, but yeah online relationship with this girl

>whole thing was a joke to her, laughed at me and talked spent more time with others in one day than she spent with me in a week towards the end of it

>fuck it, can't do irl relationships, can't do online ones, gg life go end

>haven't left my room for anything other than groceries and other supplies for a couple years now

>reminisce about how nice my life was when i was in spokane

>nowadays i just fap, play vidya, watch shows, fap some more

>planning on getting a job, gathering supplies, then going to live in the woods again, most likely by myself this time tho

lots more happened but that's the gist of it. in the planning stages of getting a job (still need to actually apply, but yeah), then gonna go live in the woods and learn supernatural abilities and conquer the world. or get mauled to death by a bear. one or the other.

>>5014

>i was cyberschooled since 2nd grade

>constantly being on a computer, the internet became my world

That sounds more like internet addiction rather than hikikomori unless you have another reason for you're long term social withdrawal such as not feeling like you belong in society than that makes sense.

>This is all i know, and i like it best this way.

I can relate to this i personally feel that this lifestyle is the only one i know because no matter how hard i try to get back out there in society i always end up back in isolation and it's very hard to change because i've been living this way for so long tbh.

>Im a hikki, but often times i don't really feel isolated from the world at all, because to me, this is the world.

I honestly don't feel completely lonely a lot of the time anymore now that i have this place and can chat with people like me i also have a few online friends on other sites as well but sometimes the feeling of loneliness does return.

I'm a schizoid, so dealing with other people is just a massive pain. They're loud and I don't understand them. I don't really like going out at all, though I'd probably do it if there were no other people around. That happens to be one of my favorite fantasies actually, just people disappearing and making the world quiet for once.

I can't say I really ever feel lonely though, most of my "social interaction" is through imageboards and it feels far easier and more relaxing than even trying to talk to family members.

I know eventually I'll have to break free simply to be able to make ends meet, but that's going to be hell on earth

>>5021

>dealing with other people is just a massive pain. They're loud and I don't understand them

I know that feel all too well i really hate interacting with people especially when i'm forced to go outside on holidays by my parents and whenever that happens i always get anxious and depressed.

>That happens to be one of my favorite fantasies actually, just people disappearing and making the world quiet for once

Sounds comfy tbh.

>I know eventually I'll have to break free simply to be able to make ends meet, but that's going to be hell on earth.

I know right tell me about it i don't wanna wageslave i would rather continue living as a hikki and having a work from home job that doesn't require me to leave my room.

>>5033

That's so sad anon it made me cry i'm sorry you had to go through all that.

I just realized that it has been such a long time since the last time I posted here

I dunno if anyone remembers me, I'm the Eastern hikikomori

I wasn't posting on the board because I was trying to reintegrate into society again because my family forced me to do so (it's not my decision and it's the last thing I will ever think about when it comes to get my life back on track again is joining this retarded society again)

So I've went to my highschool again and tried to make friend-ships with my class-mates but I wasn't able to do so

They simply sensed my awkwardness and my lack of social-skills so I ended up being bullied again

I wasn't able to skip school like I was doing before I become a shut in due to the fact that either my family and my psychiatrist were following me wherever I go,however, now I ended up becoming a shut in again and told them to get the fuck off because I won't go through this shit again

I still take these Jew-pills that basically is killing me

The doctor diagnosed me with agoraphobia, social anxiety and depression and these pills are technically supposed to cure my depression but all what they do is killing me and make me an emotionless zombie through out most of the day

I have no idea what I'm going to do but I know for a fact that I will not try to join this sick society again

>>5142

>Or can we somehow get away from misery altogether?

I think we can do by keep finding different kinds of escapism and hobbies and keep living for them, any other thing I don't believe that there's much for us aside from escapism tbh

>Maybe the sickness of society, we have to go through it in order to get past it

That's true unless you've been isolated since your middle-school years you won't notice the diseases in society

Although,I live in a totally islamic society and there are alot of people who still believe in ancient text-books I still can see what you mean by ( i too don't have much desire left to participate in it,) I too feel like i'm totally exhausted to change my clothes let alone try to take place in this society again

>>5132

>I just realized that it has been such a long time since the last time I posted here

Welcome back anon.

>i dunno if anyone remembers me, I'm the Eastern hikikomori

I remember you.

>I wasn't posting on the board because I was trying to reintegrate into society again because my family forced me to do so (it's not my decision and it's the last thing I will ever think about when it comes to get my life back on track again is joining this retarded society again).

Oh so that's where you have been i see. That sucks that your family was forcing you into the outside world i don't know how long term social withdrawal is handled in the middle east but any parent regardless of where they come from should be aware that trying to force a socially withdrawn child out of their room and into the outside world that will only make them desire isolation even more because they aren't handling the situation the right way and forcing them to do stuff that they at the current moment don't want to do.

>I ended up becoming a shut in again and told them to get the fuck off because I won't go through this shit again

I don't blame you anon our condition is one that is not very well understood at all there is basically no help for hikikomori shut ins outside Japan which is sad and also pisses me off.

>The doctor diagnosed me with agoraphobia, social anxiety and depression and these pills are technically supposed to cure my depression but all what they do is killing me and make me an emotionless zombie through out most of the day

I'm not gonna encourage you to stop taking your meds or anything like that but if they really are hurting you then yeah that's a problem also really he diagnosed you with agoraphobia, social anxiety and depression without looking at the bigger picture?? see this what i mean up top the hikikomori syndrome is very poorly understood.

>I have no idea what I'm going to do but I know for a fact that I will not try to join this sick society again.

I don't blame you anon are you able to get Neetbux in your country??.

>>5186

>I don't blame you anon are you able to get Neetbux in your country??

Not really to be honest in the East you can't get these thing because either of them aren't recognized as mental-illness at least in my country autism isn't widely-known and you can get money just because you're autistic

so I'm leaching off of my parents for now as for the future it looks bleak and I have no idea what I will do tbh

I'm not sure why I became a hikki I could say it's because my mother died but I think that's just an excuse, The best way i think i could put it is one day I didn't want to go outside and that carried over to the next day and beyond.

It's been 8 years now I really should've gone to college but it's too late for that now if I ever do get out of this life what awaits me is minimum wage slavery and I don't think I'll be doing that for long until i decide to end it, if I do somehow manage to live till old age I can see myself ending up like the man in the link.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5394513/Lonely-Russian-pension-dies-embracing-home-sex-doll.html

>>5206

> the East you can't get these thing because either of them aren't recognized as mental-illness at least in my country autism isn't widely-known and you can get money just because you're autistic

>so I'm leaching off of my parents for now as for the future it looks bleak and I have no idea what I will do tbh

Oh that fucking sucks man i wouldn't like being a hikki in the middle east to be honest.

>>5207

>It's been 8 years now I really should've gone to college but it's too late for that now

Don't feel too bad about skipping college. I went to college for 2 years, graduated, and have nothing to show for it but a mountain of debt.

>if I do somehow manage to live till old age I can see myself ending up like the man in the link.

I hope he's somewhere in a comfy afterlife, enjoying the warm embrace of his waifu. I hope we all get that kind of peace when we die.

>>5274

thank you anon. I wish the same for you.

ATM I am 26. Been very tired of life since age 25. I think my fuel will be completely used up by age 30. Let's see how long I can endure this shitshow. I am glad that one day it will all be over.

>>5850

I take it you're not a hikikomori anymore?

>My parents talked me into getting married. I agreed so I'll be less of a disappointment to them.

You could have just gotten a wagecuck job instead of getting married anon i rather become a wage slave than get married to a roastie.

>>5854

>Get molested. Tell my parents, mom blames me and makes fun of it.

You know like i said in the original post i may be a pedo but holy shit that's just fucked up anon i'm sorry you had to go through that. I honestly hate child molesters with a passion as do most people and your mother sounds like a fucking roastie bitch.

>>5867

Just out of curiosity what is your weight currently at anon?