/hikki/ - Hikikomori

Yes, I relate. It's been on my mind since I was 12 (20 now). There are a couple of things that stopped me from doing it, 1. parents, I wouldn't do that to them. 2. family, my cousin killed herself last year and it fucked up the family a lot, I don't want to make them go through that again. I won't do it until all my aunts and uncles and parents are dead from old age (which shouldn't be that long now). My cousins don't really seem to care about me so I doubt they'd feel too bad if I did something like that. I tell myself there's got to be a reason we go through these things, but that's just me trying to be hopeful. I probably won't do it because I wouldn't have the balls to. I feel the disinterest in everything as well. There's nothing I look forward to. I used to rely on video games as sad as it may sound to help me get through these thoughts "if I kill myself I won't get to play this that comes out next month", but I care less and less about games. Working from home sounds like a good idea but it's not the easiest thing to manage. My mom works from home and she works a government job, so, look into that maybe. I don't have much advice to give you, but hope at least you'll know you're not the only one feeling these things. Hard to deal with how utterly alone I feel at times.

I can't kill myself, Asaezel won't let me until i'm physically too weak to be of use to him.

>>2769

>, you need to be talented at something,

I have really good computer skills.

>>2776

You could try offering local computer repairs, where people bring you their PCs, you fix them and they come pick it up. Yes, it involves a lot of interaction with humans so it's not really pleasant, but few jobs are.

Depending on the skills you have, you could also do contract code work or something of the sort, but the first can qualify as a hobby rather than a job, so no taxes or paperwork.

>>2765

yes

I've been thinking about killing myself since i was 12 or 13, but i don't think i'll ever get around to actually attempting it and even if i did i don't think i could actually go through with it

>>2805

>I've been thinking about killing myself since i was 12 or 13, but i don't think i'll ever get around to actually attempting it and even if i did i don't think i could actually go through with it

Understandable

>>2765

Been contemplating it for the last 17 years or so at least 3 times a week. There even was a time where I'd spend a good part of the day training to tie a proper noose so I wouldn't fuck up.

So far it still hasn't happened though. Not entirely sure why though. Probably just the natural fear of the unknown. Life now is shitty, but that doesn't mean that whatever comes after couldn't be a whole lot worse.

>>2775

>Thank you so much anon that really means a lot thank you so much you guys on here really are my true friends and i love each and every one of you.

You're welcome, BO. I'm glad that I could help lift your spirits. I also consider the people of this board to be my friends and even though I don't know your names or what you look like, I care about you all very much.

>this board has really helped me open up and express how i feel internally

I feel the same way. I can share feelings on here that never could with others, not even my own family.

>someday i would like to create an actual hikikomori forum site like the ones that use to exist back in the late 2000s like hikiculture or Hikimate

That sounds cool. We could have our own exclusive website for hikikomoris only, we could even be better protected against raids, it would reach new levels of comfy.

>>2779

We all share the many of the same struggles here on /hikki/, we know how hard it is because we're in the same boat. That's why it's important that try to lift each other up every now and then. We're live in dark times, but we'll make it through, I'm sure of it.

>>2810

>That sounds cool. We could have our own exclusive website for hikikomoris only, we could even be better protected against raids, it would reach new levels of comfy.

That's very true on here we still have to deal with that but i don't mind maintaining the board.

>We all share the many of the same struggles here on /hikki/, we know how hard it is because we're in the same boat. That's why it's important that try to lift each other up every now and then. We're live in dark times, but we'll make it through, I'm sure of it.

True

>>2859

>By the way…I hope that you guys will make that /hikki/ forum, honestly. That would be nice.

Hopefully someday anon when i do ill. put a link to it on here.

I just decided that 2018 will be my last year of life. I'm done with so many things, I've been getting depressing more and more with some rare "less shitty" periods, no friends left because it drove me insane to know I couldn't repay their kindness or worse, that I could burst in angry rants. I'll become a "wizard" at the end of this october, so I'll just treat myself to a trip to the otaku, NEET and hikki holy land during this time (I should manage to get enough neetbux until then). Still don't know what I should visit, or for how many days, I'm just sure that I'll off myself somewhere there, just so nobody can "stop me" or "rescue me" even if it's still a possibility.

>>3002

Meh, I still have no reasons, no offense.

"Think about your family". The only creature that will be seriously sad or should I say "lost" is my cat, Dolly, which associated me as her father and best heated pillow. She'll end up confused as to "why am I not currently home now".

My little brother (26)? He has turned bad, he's not a hikki but still a robot although he hangs out with his friends everyday or so and sometimes comes home late (like 5 am this night because new year's eve). He went to university (college, whatever, we're french) and completed some curriculum for lab works since chemistry kinda was his thing, but ended up a year in learning a job in ports, now he wants to work for ports security…. he'll probably won't know how to react, or even care if I don't come home past november.

My stepmother? She's a really nice woman but absolutely clueless about my condition. "It's weird that you don't like hanging with people like your brother… You're sure you're not sad if you say alone at home when even your little brother goes to a party with his friend?". I don't hate her, as I said, she's really nice and will probably feel devastated by my disappearance since she's often a worrywart if you're late.

My father? The source of everything (how predictable!) will probably be annoyed because my stepmother will pester him, worse if my body is actually found and identified since he'll have to travel there, unless they send photos. That disgusting man is celebrated by almost everyone who knows him: "best colleague", "most brillant man I've known", "best this, best that". That guy has the ability to make you hate everything he'll try to teach you, make you feel like shit constantly and always have an excuse if he ever fucks up. Fucking disgusting hypocrite.

>>3005

Forgot to add that I've been in the "slump" since I was probably 12, although it's stupid to undermine other hikkis and I'm sorry if I appear like this.

I'm just tired, and want to say fuck all, despite not believing in the afterlife, I saw my condition being mocked simply because I didn't enjoy others company and avoiding interactions to being mocked by pretending attention whores doing "dank memes", world can just burn, I don't care, I've even been somewhat inspired to write about that idea, with continental arks trying to restart humanity after a huge cataclysm.

I've always been keen on creating and telling stories, but my ability has been numbed down, I just feel like a fraud everytime I have a bit of inspiration for a new story and type or write down the first sentences.

>>3009

gonna sound like some normalfag shit but maybe you've never met the right people? I've got a couple of online friends and while they're not perfect I get along well with them and enjoy the time we spend together., but honestly I don't know what to tell you, I would probably kill myself too if I was in your situation

>>2765

Please don't kill yourself hikki BO. It might not mean much coming from me, but you seem like a nice guy, and I believe not all hope is lost.

I can relate to your post, I have been suicidal as long as I can remember, for years before becoming hikki

>>3070

That's the thing, I made internet friends that I enjoyed talking to, but I just started to get too bitter and negative in the subjects we covered and decided it would be better to just leave them at it. I don't know about the op, I'm not rich but I get "neetbux" every month and still live with my father (heh), so I shouldn't "complain". But I'm still a soon 30 year old french fat and out of shape guy (I sometimes have chest pains like all my arteries and veins suddenly feel like barbed wires when I inhale, it lasts from 5 to 40 minutes), with just the highschool diploma (baccalauréat) with 3 repeated years, never knew mutual love, always a tool and target of mockery.

Hey, at least, people will point at me and say "don't end up like him, you might end up in the next Logan Paul video about dead people that commited suicide !"

Sorry for the rant, I'm just going to sleep now, I have a huge headache.

>>3080

> It might not mean much coming from me, but you seem like a nice guy, and I believe not all hope is lost.

Thanks anon.

>>3095

These are photographs I found, I'll post my work tomorrow in the art thread. I just really wanted to say that if you let the worst of mankind cause you to take your own life, you won't be able to prove that they were wrong about you. I never listen to no, because after the last no, you hear yes. Nature is my muse, such beauty is beyond words. Only man's inhumanity to other men can be so ugly as to make you question your own truth. I hope you understand what I'm saying, give yourself a chance. Get angry about the stupidity of humans and that will motivate you to make small changes everyday, in this way your life can be better.

Take care please

>>3087

french from europe? I'm french too but from canada. I used to be very fat as well (350 pounds) and got those chest pains too, then I went down to 220 and they went away which is one less worry I have, maybe try to make some new friends or get in contact with the old ones and when you notice you're starting to get bitter disengage from the conversation, I know it isn't easy, good luck I hope you find something that makes life worth living

>>3098

Yeah, France… and about my weight, I did try many times to loose weight through better eating and sports, the sport part lasted for 4 months and everytime I ended up reinforcing my suicidal tendencies, I stopped when I was almost petting a kitchen knife after going back home in almost a daze (barely remembered what happened).

>>3117

I put up art work for you, do you draw or paint, make music, write stories or poetry? :)

>>3118

I tried to draw but realised it was too much work. I still respect people that trained enough to be able to draw nicely, one of my former best friend dedicated almost entirely to drawing manga styled things and we even wanted to collaborate on a project before many things turned out sour (like me being too edgy and bossy, probably and his family being horrible too).

I commissioned artists for some avatars for a video project and I was really happy with the results, but in the end, I felt lke garbage for not being able to keep with a simple schedule of "1 video per month"… I still found the motivation to create banners for my 2 channels, so here's that? I still haven't made a video since september….

Writing… a neverending pile of "synopsis" or "1-2 sentences put together" on paper or on openoffice documents. I managed to finish something around 40 or 50 pages long that my stepmother "enjoyed" (although I think she just tried to cheer me up because she never mentionned any part of it). The 2 longest written stories/novels I didn't finish are around a hundred and a half (length varying from physical to computer) pages but no will to go on.

I don't like poetry, not that I think it shouldn't exist or what, I just don't feel anything towards it.

>>3118

>>3122

And about music… I don't know if I can write it off entirely, I completely forgot how to read music charts since middle school but I imagine (again in my head) music from time to time, though it's mostly electronic (but not dubstep, I find it unnerving)

>>3124

Yes I know what you mean, something happens to shock us and the bottom drops out, creativity comes to a halt. I haven't painted since 2007, before that I was very busy, but I had buyers, people who would exchange money for the work. Sometimes life makes a sudden turn and it takes time to recover. But I guess my point is things go in cycles, hills and valleys. I'm in a place now with more room and I'm getting the itch to do something again. There are a few small galleries close, but I hate hassling over money. And then you open yourself up to painful experiences with idiots, hahaha, life with humans eh? I'm not into poetry either, music yes I enjoy listening to it but not rap, beating on a log wearing your loin cloth and rhyming cuss words is not music in my opinion. I guess bitching to music can be considered creative but it doesn't sound very good. I hope that you find something to occupy your time and you stay with us, we have such a great group of caring souls here. And I really do wish you all the best.

>>3124

Do you keep a journal? Can you sit down without a plan and write 2 pages by hand whether you feel like it or not, about anything. When I do this after half a page it starts to make sense, after 1 page it takes a direction, and after 2 pages if you like it keep writing. If you want to write you have to show up and do it, It's just like art, same thing you have to work, it won't make itself. But if you get tired take a break, and then keep going. The next day do the same thing. Before you know it you have a book. But it's a rough draft, now you go back through it and cut out everything that is not necessary to understanding the story, polish it.

Believe it or not I'm writing a version of the I Ching. I started in 1980 and I've been working with it for all these years and finally understand it enough to finish the book. Most people only have one good book in them, because it takes 20 years or more of experience to have something important to say. So when you buy a good book it's valuable, sometimes you can avoid the mistakes the author made in his 20 years of life. What do you think? If you write it I'll read it, I'm sure other people here would too. :)

>>3181

Can't really say if it's interesting, also that would require me to translate it in english before you can read it. And I tend to get inspired with almost everything, I tried heroic fantasy (a competition between 4 "Forces" with 1 chosen dude for each that would gather followers and fight the 3 others to decide which Force would rule the world, although I've been imagining 6 cycles and half with a somewhat twist about all this). I tried simple romance, or "slice of life", but never a good ending romance, usually it involved one of the mc being abusive or a general asshole.

Not really horror but more exactly an edgy approach to the vampires, because I was really hating on that bullshit "you-know-what-I'm-saying'' (was also in highschool at this point and it was one of the worst time of my life) and wanted to write just a gritty odyssey through crimes, violence and sex from the "hero's" point of view.

"Cyberpunk", I use that really loosely because I'm more enticed by the idea of a good future, the giant glass buildings and easy space travels with world peace like they pictured in the 40-50s.

I've realised through the years that this was a genre that I really love, the idea of the technological singularity, humans transcending themselves through cybernetic transplants or things like this. Now I remember a scene from "GUNNM" (Battle Angel Alita in the US, I think?) where one character opens his skull to see his brain being replaced by a small chip.

The fact that the rest of his skull was just empty with this ittsy bittsy robotic replacement was quite scary, sure, I kinda understand why the character just went bonkers after this. But to me, it was a great achievement. Replacing that gelatinous and fragile thing by a chip that could be broken too but copied and placed into a new body. Quite hypocritical of me to think that controlling parasites and useless people by just selecting and keeping Tesla's level of genious is "a great idea", I know.

>>3181

>>3187

The 4 Forces thing was the project I planned on working as a "manga" with my then best friend. It was supposed to start already in the 6th cycle but after our "break", I wanted to write from the very beginning. It's currently my longest (more than a hundred pages) project "on hold".

The vampire one was more like "heart bleeding" writing, everything edgy was easily flowing out, but not anymore and I'm "stuck" in a part…. I don't even remember why I stopped, I've written worse some chapters before and can't continue.

My most recent writing involves a self insert (with a different name but it's clear as day it's just me) running away to Japan after winning a huge amount at a lottery ("Euromillions", the highest I've seen was 161 millions euros, but the character never says really how much, just that he achieved "fuck you money" through luck). I've imagined 2 other mcs but "self insert" isn't nice, I just try to make readers angry at him.

>>3189

I read a lot of science fiction growing up and it's very popular, there is a market for it. You need to find the right audience for your work. I don't think your Grandmother is it, generation gap, and she probably has completely different interests than you. Have you tried to submit samples to anyone that might promote your stories or be interested as a publisher, or you can try to self publish? You say that you had a best friend, how long ago was that? Maybe It's been long enough to have forgotten the argument, and get back together again, have you tried? You need an audience also I think it's very important to get the feedback and suggestions for improvement. In the beginning all artists are emotional about their work so you need to get used to criticism and get over the emotion. This is the only way to eventually create a marketable product. The public is going to buy what you are selling and you know what the public is like. After a while you develop a thick skin and stop caring what they think or say as long as some of them keep buying. I think you are at that point now, so why not keep going and give it a shot. I can see that you are very intelligent, have a good vocabulary, and you can definitely write. You really should go as far as you can. It took me a long time to understand these things and come into my own power. Who cares what your father thinks or says, eventually he will die, my father died and he criticized me. But I was always kind and gentle to him because I realized that he just could not understand some things. Parents mean well in their own way, but not every parent is brilliant, in their own mind they are doing the best they can. Try trading places with one of them sometime and you will experience what their life means. I wouldn't have traded places with my parents for all the Bitcoin in the world. My father spent 10 years in San Quentin Prison for bank robbery, I didn't know him until I was 12, and my mother was a trouble making pervert. The way I overcame all of this; I did the opposite of what they did and at least I didn't have their problems.

>>3190

Stepmother, not grandmother, both are already dead and I barely remember any.

About my friend, we didn't part ways just because of a simple quarrel over a written story, but because his family was abusive as fuck and mine moved away. My little brother sometimes keeps in touch through facebook, but I don't have one, I hate social medias and never understood how people got enthralled by it.

He (my friend) got his shit in order and married recently, I just don't want to bother him because I know I don't have anything to talk to him except that I'm a failure. Our last interaction was some years ago when I offered him a game through steam for his birthday.

>>3257

>I just don't want to bother him because I know I don't have anything to talk to him except that I'm a failure.

If he is your friend and a good one, don't you think he misses you? I think you should stop thinking that you are a failure. How old are you? It sounds like you haven't done very much in your life, that doesn't mean that you are a failure. Humans are the only animal that worries about being a failure, 'Why', because of the story. The story of the business deal, the business deal mindset. And you bought into it, this is the only reason you think that you are a failure. Stop comparing yourself to other people, and just do what you can do. If you stop punishing yourself, I bet you could do a lot more, especially with your talent. Love and accept yourself, and find something that makes your lips turn up into a smile. Because I don't want to say goodbye to you. We know that you are a good person and that is enough for us.

>>3267

I know the ids are fucked up because I used private browsing but I'm the one that stated that this october, I'm gonna turn 30, an "internet wizard". >>2998

And if I end myself, it's better to just have people with that lingering feeling/idea I'm still somewhere, or something than just say "Hey, I see that your life is turning out great. Do you mind if I tell you how I turned into a shitty slob and useless, socially inept dude? Oh, also, I'm killing myself in 2 weeks." It's not worth it.

And yes, someone once already pointed out how I tend to put value on things and "that's wrong" but I have good reasons, so to say. I have a father (and previously a mother) that actually managed to get their life into order (until some point for my mom, then she got severely depressed and killed herself with overdosing on pills). The father is what you could say a model guy, smart, knowing a lot of trivias about History, really good in science (most of his lifejob was working for Foster-Wheeler as a petro-chemical technician and now he's scouted for his recognized experience). All this and more while he was "my age", he already landed numerous part time jobs and traveled a bit around the world by dodging the military service (not sure if it's the correct translation) when it was still 2 years mandatory (now it's just 1 day once you reach 17/18, hearing and watching dvd on how great the french army is, and doing some elementary level written test, there isn't even something physical). He didn't do it by exploiting a loophole, making himself appear insane and then being just refused entry. How? He filled a full case of paper toothpick he made himself. That was enough for the army to think he was crazy, then he went on a boat trip. His jobs as a petro-chemist whatever allowed him to see a lot of countries and meet lots of people.

So yeah, he's basically mister near perfect for his coworkers and friends, but one of the worst father I could get. I'll never forget the day he told me, probably because he had enough of me skipping highschool and horribly underperforming: "If you want to die that much, let's just grab all the fucking pills in the closets and you'll down that with the vodka or whiskey."

That was probably the point where I realised that my plan of pissing him off worked. My little brother was handled a lot more carefully when my father "helped" study for the different diplomas (we have one for middle school to train us for the one in highschool). I got so much shit, he never hit me but was often close to, but even when I was right in my answers, he first insulted me before realizing I actually managed to get right that math equation, and of course the blame on me because "I was wrong for the past hours so it's still my fault".

My little brother was scared to receive the same treatment but instead, my father was almost calm and… nice? No, I'd say just detached.

Sorry for the long as fuck rant, it's 3am and I need to sleep.

>>3273

Okay thanks, needing sleep myself, I'm sick with the flu I think. I'm sorry that you and your Dad are not compatible. You are still just a kid 30 is not old at all, I'm more than twice your age and I'm not grown up yet, it's possible to live until 120 years. I decided to remain 11.5 years old in my mind, the body still ages no matter what you do, it's 63 this year. I found a youtube for you, I don't know if you've seen it before but it points to a different story, maybe you will understand it, see you tomorrow, take care.

Tony Parsons: Wonderfully Gloriously Meaningless

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kg8WHzKidiw

>>3273

Your dad sounds like a real asshole man, I get he's done all these amazing things but what was that quote, judge a man based on how he treats those inferior to him, not equal or superior or whatever. I get harsh love is a thing and it's needed sometimes but saying things like these to someone who is struggling, your son no less, is self defeating stupid and cruel. He probably realizes on some level that he is to blame for your problems or else it wouldn't bother him that much. You have to realize also that our parents were born in a much more prosperous period, comparing ourselves to them isn't realistic.

>>3275

But you don't get it! I have to man up! Even when I'm coughing up my lungs, I mustn't use medicine because that's for pussies!

I suck at go (the chinese/japanese/korean whatever board game with white and black pellets)? Just git gud, and I'll make sure you'll hate every minutes of it without feeling rewarded in the end, because you suck and I'm gonna crush you with my experience.

Almost anything that guy tries to "teach me" or "help me with", he made sure I hated that thing with a passion from now on and never want to try it again. Kinda happy he didn't teach me how to ride a bicycle.

So, now I'm just petty and treat him the same when he begs for help with his computer (almost, I just grunt and sigh to show how annoying his problems are) because he's scared he might launch the nuclear missiles… or something? 80% of shit he does can be resolved by reading what's on screen.

Last, but not least, he's one of the most messy eater I've seen (how do you manage to get bread crumbs on your chair under your butt when sitting at the table ??????? ) and isn't even bothering with the crumpled tissues half full of boogers he lets laying around.

>>3274

No offense but the whole "enlightened nihilist" drill never made sense to me. It might be because "giving value" to people is so engrained into me that I just can't understand this. If there is no meaning, that just favors my suicidal tendencies, why bother? Finding that "the Truth" is "in the universe, you mean nothing" doesn't help me at all. It also comes off as hypocritical to say I know the truth, listen to me, I'm useless, you're useless, everyone is useless. Why should I pay attention then? We should all kill ourselves next tuesday, give up on everything because our story will be forgotten nonetheless. yay…

Even if it's just a bit, some recognition is always better than brushing everything off with "nothing matters and you have to understand it", in my humble opinion.

Then again, "just being a 30 year old kid" must mean that I'm not experienced enough with philosophy or something, but I'm not planning on looking further, even though I admit I barely had the motivation and courage to "scratch the surface" of what "life has to give.

I only go out of my room for biological needs, and out of my house (read my father's house) to buy groceries and rarely to check if there are new mangas out. I don't even remember a time when I was "happy" to get out of my house, except when I had friends in my early years (until middle school, mostly, everything went down from there).

Oh right, regarding criticism for my novels, I can stomach them until some points, usually when it's related to badly structured sentences, confusing paragraphs or missing words, etc. The 45 pages story I completed was read by 2 other people before our relationship ended reaaaaally badly, one was not really helping because she thought that she had no right to criticize anything, the other one was angry as fuck because I didn't insist on a part because… reasons ? It just turned out with him calling me "pretentious paris-based smug writer that should just go suck publishers' dicks" because I told him "if you're not happy, you should have written it yourself".

At least, that helped me shaped my vision of life and create 2 "mottos": 1) everybody is an asshole, to a varying degree

2) trying to please everyone is the best way to please nobody (that second one only applies to creating content like novels, movies, music, etc, so everything subjective).

I don't know if anyone ever said that but I kinda like to think I came up with them… egotistic tendencies?

>>3322

When did your mother die, how old were you?

>>3322

>1) everybody is an asshole, to a varying degree

>2) trying to please everyone is the best way to please nobody (that second one only applies to creating content like novels, movies, music, etc, so everything subjective).

>I don't know if anyone ever said that but I kinda like to think I came up with them… egotistic tendencies?

sorry, but this is a very common outlook on things, but honestly everyone's already thought of everything, so don't let that bother you. And yes, I agree with you on the enlightened nihilist thing, I didn't want to say anything because it wasn't my conversation but in my opinion if there's no purpose to anything then might as well kill myself, what is the point of enduring the bad things since there's no point to anything?

>>3322

I guess that I'm lucky then because I've never been so happy since I gave up fighting and arguing. And now I can just enjoy life. I have no beliefs, most of the stuff you guys talk about never even enters my head, I'm a B-ist, I just B, live and let live. I don't identify as a separate me anymore. I had a realization about 10 years ago and the personal me suddenly vanished. Now I don't blame myself, or punish myself, I have no guilt about anything, I sleep very well. I've tried to share this many times and everyone says the same thing, a standard variation of what you guys said. But you can't explain why I'm happy and you aren't. I can explain it: you believe in the story of mankind and I see it as an imaginary concept. And this is why the world is a lunatic asylum chasing after what isn't real, killing each other in a million different ways. I gave up on all of that, trying to do things and being hurt or confused when plans don't happen. My life happens by itself. My brain thinks of a way through the obstacle course without the me's help. Usually I go to sleep thinking about something and dream about the answer. I don't become attached to a certain result, and have hardly any bad emotions. I don't need any goals, plans or purpose, they just make you unhappy. It's difficult to explain it to people that haven't experienced it before, but rather than force my way through time, I allow myself to be lead by; let's just call it the subconscious self preservation instinct. Now I'm going to say goodbye to everyone and let you B.

Take care, and thanks to the board owner for letting me share a little here.

>>3340

>. Now I'm going to say goodbye to everyone and let you B.

>Take care, and thanks to the board owner for letting me share a little here.

Don't leave the board anon.

>>3340

You don't have to stop posting here anon elder hikki if this is you don't leave you're a good guy and very helpful the community needs someone like you.

>>3340

It's not because people don't agree with or understand your point of view that it undermines it or just erases it completely. If it makes you happy, more power to you, I just said I don't get it and I might be wrong for it.

Your insights have been valuable on a lot of topics and posts, it's sad that you now feel unwelcome on this board that tries to live out of the toxic chan culture. I hope your flu doesn't hinder you too much and that you can recover quickly.

As BO said, you shouldn't drop the board.

>>3325

>sorry, but this is a very common outlook on things, but honestly everyone's already thought of everything, so don't let that bother you.

Yeah, thought so.

>>3324

15, in last year of middle school (had to retake the second year because of health issues), I don't remember exactly but during the first quarter (France has school years starting from september and ending in june, mostly divided in quarters except for college that uses semesters). Because my mom's health has been horrible since… well, I entered middle school, my brother and I were put into a host family.

I just got suddenly called in the director's office, wondering what the fuck I have done (kinda low grades in math and spanish, I forged my mom's signature sometimes on teachers' notes), and they even went as to tell me to pack all my things. When arriving in the office, my little brother was also standing there with my host family, the director asked if I wanted a seat, I just said "no thanks", and then he started to ask me and my brother some bullshit about believing in the afterlife…. wat.jpg

Then he dropped the news about my mom found dead this morning, by saying my mom has departed for heaven with a somewhat sad face. Oh right, my brother has always been slow with metaphors so while I was trying all I could to not drop and bawl my eyes out, they (director and the host family) tried their best to make him understand. Once it clicked with him, he bawled, then I couldn't stand up anymore and tried to cry the less I could.

"Medicine overdose accident", they said. I was only when I was… I don't know, above 20? That I learned it was actually a suicide, and in the most out of place way, my stepmother just stated it at the end of a dinner a day when my father wasn't home. I should have understand when my father told me to kill myself with pills.

>>3356

This anon gets it elder hikki i really hope you see these recent post you are absolutely still welcomed here.

>>3340

I'm sorry if I came off as hostile, we disagree on some philosophical thoughts but all the same I am happy you're here sharing your wisdom with people who need it

Unrelated but I had a realization this morning. I thought I was have killed myself a long time ago by now. It's been 4 years, and I'm still here. I don't know how much further I will make it but I take pride in the fact I have made it this far. A lot of people would disagree because they would only see the superficial side (we have talked about this before, fathers who buy a lot of toys) and think I had a good upbringing, but honestly I think I was handed a pretty shitty hand, bullying at school, come home, fighting with mom, flee to my dad's, fighting with dad. I will allow myself to feel good about the fact that I made it this far.

>>3357

I remember when I was 15 it is a tender year, all young boys, young men are very close to their mothers, so naturally you, your father and brother were damaged by her loss; I can see that it's still unbearable. But I hope that you don't blame yourself in some way, there is nothing that you could do. So hopes and dreams, goals, plans, and purpose, they are just words. They won't bring your mother back, and imagine how your death will make your father and brother feel; I'm sure that they both love you very much. My father had some strong opinions and beliefs too, and things that he learned in prison hehe. A prison priest turned him into a catholic so he was always blessing me, telling me to get married, he wasn't in the home because my mother had moved on, I had a step father who was just as bad. So my father would say "be a man and do what you are supposed to do, it's in the bible." And I would say; did it work for you? Then why are you telling me to do it and suffer too. He was married 3 times, and life just happened, it didn't matter what he did, it still happened, you follow me?

>>3341

It's nice to be loved thank you, just didn't want to waste anyones time or piss'em off.

>>3342

thank you.

>>3356

>I just said I don't get it .

No thats okay nobody does, clarity is not liberation. But I do thank you for the kind words.

>>3359

:)

>>3361

I understand and It's best to vent the anger and get it out.The 'me' has a lot of repressed anger, because the viewpoint - is 'me' against them. It has strategies, formulas, goals, plans, and that 'purpose thing' for life. It is so busy doing all of that, that it can't just enjoy being alive. He's so wound-up in anxiety making everything happen that his life is ReKt, most often the harder you work the worse it becomes.

This is my story: In 2007 I was living on the edge of a forest 80 acres, about 32 hectares. In an old trailer, it had water, electric and a woodstove, it was really nice. I couldn't hear any human noise and the wildlife was everywhere. I didn't need a clock, or phone, it was like stepping back to an earlier time when things were simple. One of my jobs was cutting firewood, there were 12 buildings and they all had woodstoves. I really enjoyed it because there is nothing like being in nature for me. I was there for about 6 months and one day out in the forest I sat down to rest, and I couldn't see anything man made. Suddenly I realized that everything created by man was a dead imitation of nature. Pretty much everything we have is under the heading of tools, but nothing is alive. This is why we need an army of repairmen to keep everything patched up. Nature is alive, it heals itself, there is a life force that we can't own, but we do keep trying haha. So everything that mankind does is imaginary, take everything that is man made away, and what is left is reality, what is left is life, the only thing that really matters. When I meet people they always have a story about the 'me' someplace in time, usually the business deal mindset, but it's never about what is real. Since that time this vision has evolved and deepened until I'm not human anymore.

take care anons :)

Absolutely not. Death is the reason i have no motivation. If i could live forever, maybe it would be worth trying to accomplish something. But as it stands, everything disappears after death, so what's the point.

Even still, why kill yourself when your life will be over in the blink of an eye? 70-80 years is nothing. And no matter how miserable your life is, you might as well experience it the one chance you get.

>>3373

>imagine how your death will make your father and brother feel; I'm sure that they both love you very much.

I don't give a fuck anymore, caring for others, trying to protect the bullied, the kinda outcast kids was always what I thought was the right thing to do, it just ended up shifting the attention.

Then, discovering the next year that you are in the same class as most of the bullies, huzzah, karma loves me. But I guess if I was still a christian, I should have thought "God is testing meeeeee". In the end, I unfortunately met with one of them, although he was… kind of a follower and not so much proactive. He had a "loving gf" and was studying for being a male nurse (guess his gf was already one… I don't care). But since some recent studies have proved that bullies aren't actually "compensating" but instead are more likely to be really successful and fonctionning members of society, welp.

Caring about others was the only reason I still stayed alive, morbidly wanting to see them not fucking up like me, feeling like I was somewhat relevant in their lifetime… meh, I just don't care anymore.

As I said before, my father will simply feel annoyed, I can tell from what he did when his parents died, or how he handled my mother's death as an annoying prick to me and my brother because "we didn't take all our belongings despite how much he paid for them". In a way, it was true, I had some first edition power rangers robots (All of the series with Rita and "Lord Z", with the "Ninjazords" and the next one, as well as some "Zeo" and "Turbo zords") in good condition except for the stickers falling off here and there despite being often handled while making up stories to entertain myself and my little brother. I don't know what happened to them, social services or police whatever took them, probably, giving them to other children in need or destroying them?

I admit I'm just a prick, I don't give a fuck about what my little brother will feel or my stepmother. Maybe my cat, because I've been receiving almost unconditionnal attention from her these past years, I almost taught her to eat food and use the litterbox myself. She kinda turned out into a bitch afraid of any strangers that might enter home but I don't care.

I don't care, I don't give a damn, that flies over my head…. "Je m'en cogne", "Je m'en fous", "Je n'en ai cure". Same thing previously but in french, kinda.

"I'll die in november" ironically became the title of my last writing, because I found it fitting.

>>3380

>"I'll die in november" ironically became the title of my last writing, because I found it fitting.

It's wednesday january 10th, okay then have fun.

>>3373

> It's nice to be loved thank you, just didn't want to waste anyones time or piss'em off.

You didn't buddy you're fine. :)

>>3386

It's the only way I could gather enough money to do that last trip without having a debt that might ot might not get passed on someone from my family, as they tried with mother's debt, but since we weren't major at that time (my little brother and I), they kinda dropped it, though one asshole once threatened me with it 2-3 years ago.

So yes, I'll try to have fun.

>>3386

> okay then have fun.

This

>>2765

>i'm completely drained of life

boy, this is the same shit I feel.

It feels so hard to get up every day for nothing.

Just wanted to tell you that I know that feel and you are not alone. Sadly this is the type of exhaust that nothing can cure. We are just like planes that ran out of kerosene.

>>4455

Happy birthday anon stay strong.

>>4455

>I'm losing my ability to write everyday

One thing I would suggest is going to a board that you don't care to much about, /b/ or /tv/ would work. Go into that board and make some posts on something just to practice your writing in small ways each day. If you mess something up, don't worry about it, since those boards are crap anyway and you're not really messing anything up. Also, whenever you start to feel a bit too lonely, come back here, I'd be happy to keep you company. We're all in this together. Happy birthday, anon.

>>4460

> I would suggest is going to a board that you don't care to much about, /b/ or /tv/ would work. Go into that board and make some posts on something just to practice your writing in small ways each day. If you mess something up, don't worry about it, since those boards are crap anyway and you're not really messing anything up.

This is something i actually do.

>>4469

>I ordered two cakes, two pizzas and 2 liters of coca I eat them all last night i really can say that it was such a heavenly feeling being full of food then lay on your bed like a panda watching your favorite anime and fall asleep,

Sounds like a good birthday again happy birthday man even if you're alone you will always have us.

>Despite the good pleasure i got i hope i won't end up developing and addiction to food that may result of me becoming the next Japanese fat fuck basement dweller in other words like satou when he imagines himself i don't want to end up like that

I don't think any of us on here wanna end up like Satou at age 50 tbh.

I've been thinking about it for years although I doubt I'll ever do it unless something pushes me toward it as to be honest I'm not brave enough.

>>4698

>unless something pushes me toward it

I think the only way I'd go through with suicide is if/when my parents die and I'm about to end up homeless

I have some savings to burn through.

Then there are some materialist things I want to get rid off as well. Mainly video games, merchandise and crap like that. Once I took care of those things it is waiting until I used up my money and then buying a tent and hibachi for my last adventure

>>4746

I'd pay for my funeral in advance but that's it.

>>4774

>>4746

That's what i'm currently doing, currently wasting life savings gambling since its the only thing that gives me any satisfaction in life right now planning on doing it until i run out and finally put ending it all

>>4868

Anon if you want to kill yourself i obviously can't stop you seeing as how some of the users of this board have already killed themselves and to be honest i don't blame you but just remember that you will always have us and that us hikkis have to stick together.

>>4890

>That made me feel a way that i haven't felt in a long time.

I know right.

I wake up everyday with nothing to do, so I might end it this year. With no goals, motivation, or aspirations, there isn't much of a point to stick around. I don't even think I'm particularly depressed at the moment, there's just nothing for me, or perhaps nothing I'm willing to try and put effort into. The world is fine, I'm just dysfunctional. I'm worried about my mom though, she won't make it when I kill myself. She's already lost one child, I can't imagine what another loss will do to her. But I just can't keep going. Every day, it's just the same thing. Nothing, nothing over and over again, it's always just nothing. I can cry and experience the same overwhelming emotions about life and feel a bit closer to understanding what's going on, but it just doesn't help. I'm past the point of help as I'm always returning to the same problems, and the same answers come to me.

I feel terribly fucking alone, but I can't connect to anyone. And no one can be honest with me, and I can't be honest with anyone. There's always some kind of filter or bullshit, and no one is going to just listen, because they can't. For some reason no one can just sit and listen and understand how alone I've been for so many years.

I know this post is random, there's no logical flow to it, there's no point to it, but I have absolutely nowhere to go to just rant and release.

At this point for some reason I know that I can't/won't kill myself at the moment. But I know that I will eventually which is a weirdly comforting thought. Like the idea that i can control and plan it rather than do it out of desperation. I mean if it's my last gasp i can probably score a few thousand dollars in payday loans or some shit like that so i can have a good last day, or few days. Where i can just drink and eat whatever i want and then when i feel like it i can get really hammered and just let go. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and it just sounds so comfy. I could do it in the winter so my body doesn't stink up whatever room i find myself in. In preparation i can destroy all my hard drives. It's not like i have anything worth looking at i just don't want my stupid family using my laptop and going through all the autistic shit ive collected over the years. Like my folder with nothing but images of Satania from Gabriel Dropout. Or all my weird fetish porn. I could clean up after myself, pack things up. Maybe get a haircut. Just prepare my last days so i can go out with the pride that i so stubbornly cling to even though i'm a loser by definition and everyone treats me as such. Maybe i'll get a nice bottle of whiskey rather than the cheap shit i usually drink. Listen to my favorite albums, watch my favorite movies, then just die. I always thought that bleeding out would suck but having almost died from that recently you sorta just get cold and drift away. If i just sit in a warm bath then i think it might even be pleasant.

>>5874

That payday loans thing is pretty smart anon, I would have never thought of that. What do you think the odds are that they would actually give someone like us anything though? I have no credit and no income so even if I managed to somehow leave the house, get to the place that gives the loans, and successfully talk to them without making them suspicious, that they would probably decline me for having no credit history. Do they really just hand those things out to anyone who asks?

>>5875

Pretty sure the whole scam is they give loans to anybody, but at a ridiculous interest rate. My idiot parents used to get them all the time and they had shit credit. I don't know exactly how they work but i'm pretty sure you sell them your soul, so like SS number and everything about you, for a a lot of money. IDK exactly how it works but i think it would be worth a try. Maybe also try to get a credit card. This idea is just about getting some money to enjoy yourself. I mean honestly if i could just get hundred dollars from selling my crap then thats enough to to at least buy booze and food which are the most important items.

>booze

>food

>shelter

>entertainment

even if i have to spend my last few hours in the big public park in my city that would be fine

>>5909

>yarning for a time for /us/ because noone showed us how to understand this generation/time-era

am 28.

4/5ths of my online/irl friends are dead/have cut contact with me or i lost contact with them or gotten 'lives'.

the 1/5th are people like you and me

all our heroes/role-models that made this planet good are dead/dying but they still will live on within us.

>>5929

Eating once a day works. Also, stop eating sugar and don't drink soda and you should lose most of the weight. Exercising every day at least a little is good for you as well. Also, food shouldn't have anything to do with emotions. It's for survival, and eating is actually pretty boring. I changed my mentality, so it's definitely possible to do. I can say I look way above average by my own standards. Just a few things to improve, like my uncontrollable and unpredictable hair.

>>5929

I don't eat an awful lot myself but I have gained weight over the years because I don't move a lot. Basically I get up and sit in front of my computer all day long, once in a while I cook, but that's about it. Like other anons said doing a bit of exercise will help a lot, and it'll most likely make you feel a bit emotionally as well.

One more thing I want to suggest is try and taking care of your appearance. Learn how to cut and/or style your hair. If you have a beard take good care of it and trim in when it needs it, things like that helped me feel better about myself as well.

>>5930

>It's for survival, and eating is actually pretty boring.

I get what you're trying to do, but you take that back. Cooking and eating food from around the world, from various cultures, from hidden villages in poorer countries is and always will be exciting as fuck. So is learning about ingredients you've never even heard of or learning of new ways to cook something you thought were fairly familiar with. Food, besides vidya, is the only passion I have and if I were to reintegrate into society I'd try to get a job in a kitchen somewhere.

>>5931

Forgot to reply to you in my last post. I wanted to add squats to all of the exercises you mentioned as well as some makeshift weights. If you don't have any fill jugs with water, though that is probably not that good for your form.

>>5934

I don't know, I just stopped caring about fancy food, and eating in general for the most part. Cooking is something that I would rather avoid, to save time, and because I like eating simple things. No need for a recipe when I can just eat all the ingredients. I am lazy enough and good enough at enjoying simple things that if you give me bread, salami, cheese and lettuce to make a sandwich, I will just eat all the ingredients except the bread with my hands, maybe even standing up, and I won't make even a single actual sandwich because that's unnecessary work. Actually, just eating things as they are is basically what the body wants me to do anyway, and it's easier, and it's healthier. Cooking isn't all that important to me.

Meat, vegetables and eggs are delicious, in random combinations as well. Some fruit here and there for health purposes. Also a massive amount of nuts, because they are easy to eat, so I always keep them around. That's all I really need, and it's great. It's all related to the asceticism that I developed and extended over my life, but I do actually enjoy eating like this. Being this way isn't hard at all, at this point. People nowadays are just too desensitized to simple, efficient pleasures.

>>5936

I don't really disagree with anything you said here, and I've heard that snacking throughout the day on things like vegetables/fruit/nuts as opposed to eating a few large meals is better for one's metabolism. However cooking itself is really rewarding when you know what you're doing.

I generally use recipes and certain dishes as a guide to make something similar that's essentially my own creation. It mostly depends on what I currently have on hand in the kitchen, but I'm fairly lucky that my father tends to buy lots of herbs and spices that I can play around with. Experimenting with food and trying to figure out what may go well together and the end result being delicious is one of the more pleasurable things in my life.

On top of that I've always had a big interest in cultures that aren't my own, and while food is not the whole of it, it definitely plays a big part of cultures and gives a small window if insight to other regions of the world.

don't take my ranting too seriously, I was just a little butthurt at the eating is boring comment

>>6003

>Everything good about the world, women have no appreciation for.

Nonsense much, your existence in pain made you loose some clarity of thinking, and develop hate.

Understandable though.

>>6048

> I'm trying to prevent that

That's what imageboards are for, and online friends, if you can manage to have them.

Other than that there is not much else.

>>6366

I kind of get where the people that say it are coming from, but

>you just appreciate that there's someone out there who's about to kill himself too so you feel less lonely.

Isn't that more depressing than reassuring? Here's a person who is in similar shoes you are, but they want to kill themselves as well.

>Maybe, you're annoyed at those who tell you that you don't have it as worse as an African child so you should cheer up

Definitely, though that would anger me quite a bit more. Luckily no one's ever said anything along those lines to me, and if they did they'd get a hearty "go fuck yourself".

>apparently there's only hanging that doesn't require a lot of preparations like other method.

That was my original plan, where I currently live there's no spot I can really do it at since I live in a (very nice and furnished) basement with a fairly low ceiling and I'm 6'4". There's a large, old tree in the yard I could try it at, but it's in view of a busy street. Risking failure is not an option.

I really hate how frowned upon suicide is in general. Especially when people try to talk you out of it because "think of your family and friends, it's selfish" excluding obvious exceptions, but even then they have a right to go through with it etc. No, fuck off. It's selfish to expect someone to continue living for your own sake because you don't want to mourn a death when they have weighed their options, decided they do not think it's worth living and wish to die. Suicides that are well thought through and not impulsive should be supported to minimize potential botched suicides that physically fuck a person up even further. Shooting off your face with a shotgun and surviving, as an example. The euthanasia program in Switzerland is a big step in the right direction in my opinion. I wish more countries did such things and included people that don't have certain illnesses.

>>5863

If you're gonna shoot yourself, don't make your parents buy the gun. That's just fucked.

When I was in highschool, I meet my first girlfriend after a year of dating, she left me to focus and school and I attempted once that time, was trying to drown myself. 4 months later and we were back together for a solid year and a half of dating until she admitted she was cheating on me with some faggot from California, it was the worst fucking thing, tried multiple attempts within the year. Fuck that whore tbh though.

So, here we are, second week of october and I couldn't even get things ready for my "last trip somewhere for my 30th birthday before offing myself in november."

Keep feeling like the world goes faster and faster while I can't even remember calling a phone number about passport renewal…. since March. Yay….

I tried, I swear I tried to "change", see if I could get something out of my sluggish "creative" mind in video forms. But no, because I don't use clickbait thumbnails, I'm not a cutie big tiddie grrrrrl, I'm just a fat slob and too self conscious/hating and refusing to show my face.

Spending days to gather footages in 2 languages, sometimes searching for japanese original meanings to see if the translations twisted them or not.

All those fucking efforts for naught, as I fucking can't just write 1 sentence without needing an hour of mindlessly "browsing/refreshing sites".

>>6481

>(snip) as I fucking can't just write 1 sentence without needing an hour of mindlessly "browsing/refreshing sites".

Really, this is one of the things that seriously messes you up about this lifestyle. After a few years of this you can't even think straight anymore. You just do things literally automatically, like you were just an observer watching your robot self doing unhealthy things you hate. A decade of hikki life and my mind is broken in weird ways.

Does anyone remember the hikkichan user who offed himself earlier this year in summer?

does anyone have the link to his memorial site?

what was the exact date again?

I ask because soon it will be all hollows eve and I want to light a candle for him and all the other anons I remember offing themselves who I felt close with.

>>6604

>>6605

Are you talking about Nux?

>>6607

Yes I think it was his name. I remember there was a link posted here somewhere around july when he offed himself. It is 1st of november soon and I want to light some candles for him and another guy that I was close with

Please give me the infos you have. Maybe you still have the link somewhere or some screencaps of his last posting. I know I saved them somewhere but I never can find the stuff I need when I need it most. I should get rid of my lurk folder because its useless anyways

>>6609

>>6610

His name was Jordan Patrick and all the information on him is in the interesting links thread.

thank you anon

I will light a candle for him on thursday

>>5874

>I always thought that bleeding out would suck but having almost died from that recently you sorta just get cold and drift away. If i just sit in a warm bath then i think it might even be pleasant.

That is a very good idea, anon. My favorite so far, actually. An Intravenous needle like they use to draw blood, except….well, there's no stop to it. Just sleep.

>>2774

but u need to go outside for sell it

and you need friends

>>6823

>>6824

Good post, anon. I can't think of anything that I disagree with, either.

Have you ever lurked >>>/suicide/?

After going there for several years, I've concluded that the most generally-agreed-upon successful method would be a gun, though I also enjoy the creativity people have with coming up with various methods, as well as reading about people's experiences with depression, asylum stories, and even failed attempts.

>>6835

Really? That's fucked.

Surely it's still possible to get your hands on pure helium, no?

After a little digging around it seems like you can still find companies with 100% helium tanks that ship. So I guess you just have to be mindful of where you buy from. Still, now I'd be too paranoid to attempt this.

Are there any other gasses that are easily available that work?

>>6838

Given the nature of hikkis I doubt many of us have access to a car. Charcoal is interesting but I'm too worried about accidentally burning down wherever the deed is done, and if it's done inside our home whether it will affect others that live here.

>>6840

>>6840

I'll have a birthday here in a few months and I may just make that weekend my last. Atm I've got access to firearms and enough cash to disappear (at least to somewhere my body won't be found for a good long time anyway)

I don't really know anyone in the real world who'd be worth reaching out to, who really gives a shit about me or has any interest in who I am or how I'm doing outside of cold familial obligation. My family resents me, I disgust myself with my complete incompetence in making any headway on this earth. I know they'll feel cheated, my uncaring mother, my shitty brother, my sociopathic parasite of a sister, but oh well. I'm sure they'll whip out the crocodile tears for the brother and son who's death they'll mourn but whom they had no interest in associating with while he was still breathing. What a waste of words.

>>6940

good luck

>>7277

(cont)

It also bears mentioning that family is certainly no barrier to me killing myself. At. All. Since, after all, I'd be dead so what difference would it make how they'd feel given that I wouldn't even exist anymore? I don't mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious when I say that, but it's not like I can really control how they'd feel and sticking around for their sake alone, despite being in agony, would be foolish. If you feel differently that's fine, but I don't. If I had the guts to kill myself right this instant, even if that meant having to do it right in front of my parent's eyes (as part of the hypothetical catch of finally being able to do it), I'd proceed without hesitation. Their feelings wouldn't amount to a hill of beans when compared against seizing true freedom, frankly. Controversial opinion, but, as far as I'm concerned, anyone who says that family is the only thing holding them back, are just lying to themselves, and are just trying to find an easy excuse to cover up for their own cowardice and lack of balls to pull the trigger.

The real answer though, as much as it pains me to continually realize it, is that there is no answer for someone like me. Not really. Often my most common fantasies in regards to suicide have been those in which my death happens suddenly and without my knowledge. Examples being the more common variety such as dying unexpectedly in my sleep somehow, or, in my case, more fantastically remote possibilities like a meteorite streaming through the atmosphere and blasting me through the head from the ceiling. I've also fantasized about being struck with a life ending illness of some kind. On a similar note, it would also be nice, in a way, if I could take the terminal disease of someone who still wants to live. After all, they get what they want, I get what I want, and I get to really help somebody for once in my life just before I head out the door. What's not to like? Besides the impending doom/pain associated with the disease, of course. I've also fantasized a lot about somebody else killing me, thereby saving me from having to do it myself. A home invader, a trigger happy cop, a professional assassin hired to kill me when I'm not looking, or even some make believe person who hates me enough to want to kill me for whatever reason (I looked at them the wrong way, or something). Nazi style euthanasia would also be awesome too since, in that case, it would be pretty much a guaranteed execution for me to enjoy. In the end, the pattern between all these fantasies is pretty clear to see. That my "suicide" is carried out by someone, or something else, so I don't have to trouble myself with getting past my own myriad weaknesses. Expecting something else having to lug my ass to the finish line, really is so typical of me. Can't be bothered to muster the internal fortitude to do it myself, so I'll let something else do it for me. Weakling right up until the end.

The final horror, the final nightmare for me to consider, besides eternity in a black void, or repeating this life over again, is that I'll never commit suicide. Not because I "secretly" don't want to, or some such other horse shit. But that my fear will always keep me meekly slithering along, soaking up the body blows of life until I just can't anymore. Probably as I wheeze my last breath away as a decrepit old man covered in wounds both internal and external that could've all been avoided had I just….just….oh well, too late now (cut to flat lining heart monitor). I guess Yamazaki was right after all. At least Satou tried to kill himself though, which is more that can be said of me.

I know it's a common sentiment around here, but I'm just tired. The kind of tired that no amount of sleep can fix. The kind of tired that's been deep in my bones since the day I was born. The kind of tired that drove me to where I am right now. There's nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one worth the trouble of knowing. At the end of the day, I'm just allergic to being alive. As a result, I try to sleep it off as much as I can. Not that it helps since one always has to wake up in the end, despite desperately hoping for the opposite to occur. I just want it to end man, but the survival instinct combined with the fear of the unknown is a bitch to get past. Nothing I have to say is worth uttering to anyone. I'm hopeless. I guess I'll have a nap now.

>>7278

(cont)

>>6318

>Every day is the exact same thing; eat, sleep, listen to the same tunes, play the same games and staring at the same ceiling. The only thing I enjoy these days is sleeping, waking up fucking sucks as its back to same tired routine and feeling more exhausted then I did before falling asleep. video games just remind me how shit I am at everything, my lack of hobbies and motivation to learn new ones a constant reminder of my total lack of meaningful skills.

>I don't have the will or strength to "fix" myself and even if I did, whats left of life to enjoy?

You said it, mayne. My life in a nutshell. Curled up in my bed, in the middle of the night, just weeping at the awfulness of it all. As an aside, I find myself crying a lot more than I used to these days. Then again, I guess I have a lot of reasons to.

>>6365

>I never understood why people say these things in order to cheer others up. Confirming that there are others out there in equally shitty situations isn't exactly a good thing, neither does it change the individual's situation.

Yes, I know what you mean. If anything, it just serves as an exclamation mark to my own hopelessness. It seems everybody is either depressed or anxious these days which, to me, just makes me feel even worse. I'd rather be part of a rare minority since, at least then, there'd be more of a chance of someone helping me, while also not feeling like my pain is as common as dishwater. That can't happen if everyone's drowning in the same sea of shit. I just can't help, but feel like a peon in my suffering. "Oh, you're in pain? Well fuck you, so am I. Wanna swap stories 'buddy'?" In the end, no one cares. It's a shitty world and we're all languishing in it. What I'm going through just being lost in the cacophonous torment of it all, my miseries being less than a mound of dirt in the end.