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/hikki/ - Hikikomori

The modern hermit
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A WARNING TO ALL NEW USERS IF YOU ARE NOT A HIKIKOMORI I WILL BAN YOU!! People who are going to work or school are not Hikikomori There are many people on here who can not leave their home Please choose your topic with consideration IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN AT HOME INSIDE YOUR ROOM FOR AT LEAST 6 MONTHS OR MORE THEN DON'T POST HERE!

File: 4f1d3522a482911⋯.jpg (22.59 KB,570x400,57:40,hanging boy.jpg)

a0108b No.2765 [Last50 Posts]

Have any other hikkis here ever thought of or tried to commit suicide in the past??. It's been 10 years almost 11 and almost nothing i do makes me happy anymore and i have little to no motivation to do anything with my time spent in isolation anymore. I've tried asking people online about working from home but most people say that's not realistic and that i should just go outside and get over it. I honestly can't take it anymore and if i don't find anything to help motivate myself soon suicide seems like a good option i guess. But i would be a lot happier if i could just earn some money without leaving my room or having the motivation to at least do something instead of feeling like i'm completely drained of life to be honest i'm crying while typing this and i can't take it anymore can any other hikkis relate??.

____________________________
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c4a916 No.2766

Yes, I relate. It's been on my mind since I was 12 (20 now). There are a couple of things that stopped me from doing it, 1. parents, I wouldn't do that to them. 2. family, my cousin killed herself last year and it fucked up the family a lot, I don't want to make them go through that again. I won't do it until all my aunts and uncles and parents are dead from old age (which shouldn't be that long now). My cousins don't really seem to care about me so I doubt they'd feel too bad if I did something like that. I tell myself there's got to be a reason we go through these things, but that's just me trying to be hopeful. I probably won't do it because I wouldn't have the balls to. I feel the disinterest in everything as well. There's nothing I look forward to. I used to rely on video games as sad as it may sound to help me get through these thoughts "if I kill myself I won't get to play this that comes out next month", but I care less and less about games. Working from home sounds like a good idea but it's not the easiest thing to manage. My mom works from home and she works a government job, so, look into that maybe. I don't have much advice to give you, but hope at least you'll know you're not the only one feeling these things. Hard to deal with how utterly alone I feel at times.

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76cc51 No.2769

File: 2d4d50d39c47e47⋯.png (362.86 KB,1274x700,91:50,1457369482444.png)

I was institutionalized three times, twice in tenth grade and once in twelth. It was the worst time of my life, because not only was I hooked on the meds the (((psychologists))) fed me, but also because everyone, whether family or school, lied to me, pretending to be nice and caring. My own fault that I actually believed them. It was probably my experiences there that really ended up pushing me away from society.

I'm a lot more stable and happy now because I spend my time (for the most part) doing what I enjoy, focusing on my hobbies rather than being sucked dry by other people. It's not perfect, but it's looking up, at least.

>But i would be a lot happier if i could just earn some money without leaving my room or having the motivation to at least do something instead of feeling like i'm completely drained of life

It's a rough scenario. Usually work from home is pretty hard, you need to be talented at something, extremely so for consistent money. If you made Jewtube videos, or drew art or something, you could make a Patreon, but usually you need to be "personable" or create really interesting content for that.

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c76a63 No.2770

I can't kill myself, Asaezel won't let me until i'm physically too weak to be of use to him.

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bd5756 No.2774

File: 42e3b79263a5e4e⋯.jpg (23.68 KB,301x267,301:267,42e3b79263a5e4e41b6786dc6d….jpg)

>>2765

I think we've all been there. I used to think about suicide daily for many years, I still think about it sometimes. It isn't easy living the way we do, and I'm sure it seems like there's no way out and that things will never get better. In spite of all of that, I think you're going to be alright. How do I know that? Because I've been browsing since you first made this board. I've browsed and posted in nearly every thread, and I've read about what you've been through, BO. I know you struggled with seizures, got kicked out by your parents, got sent to that hospital where most of the people treated you like shit, and got stuck in that first shitty group home with those awful niggers before you got to where you are now. You went through all that hardship and not only survived it, but you're still a nice person and the best board owner I've ever seen. Most normalfags would collapse in on themselves if they had to face even half of what you've been through. You're tougher than you realize, BO. That's how I know you're going to make it through.

Most of us hikikomoris on here live lonely, painful lives, with little to no money and no hope, but we're still here. I would argue that living this way for so long has caused us to tap into the long-forgotten human instinct for survival and self-preservation. Everyday we continue to live is not only a strike back at the normalfags who harassed us and now write us off as "manchildren", but a testament to our ever-enduring will.

>I've tried asking people online about working from home but most people say that's not realistic and that i should just go outside and get over it

To hell with those people. Those are the same shitty people who used to tell me in middle school that drawing would never make me any money. Now graphic designers are out there making bank, and I missed out because I was foolish enough to listen to the people who never gave a shit about my happiness.

So many things these days are bought, sold, and exchanged over the internet, both products and services alike. As time goes on and things continue to become more automated, the amount of things done on the internet increases. For instance, there is a company based in the state I live in that run by two guys who make millions per year selling socks online. You can absolutely work from home, the opportunities are out there and I'm certain we'll find them soon.

Never give up, BO. Never give up, /hikki/.

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0c8c78 No.2775

File: 03d0fbe8764247e⋯.jpg (273.71 KB,1080x720,3:2,f25bb4864bedffff0ef35b0cb3….jpg)

>>2774

>I think we've all been there.

True

>It isn't easy living the way we do, and I'm sure it seems like there's no way out and that things will never get better. In spite of all of that, I think you're going to be alright. How do I know that? Because I've been browsing since you first made this board. I've browsed and posted in nearly every thread, and I've read about what you've been through, BO. I know you struggled with seizures, got kicked out by your parents, got sent to that hospital where most of the people treated you like shit, and got stuck in that first shitty group home with those awful niggers before you got to where you are now. You went through all that hardship and not only survived it, but you're still a nice person and the best board owner I've ever seen. Most normalfags would collapse in on themselves if they had to face even half of what you've been through. You're tougher than you realize, BO. That's how I know you're going to make it through.

Thank you so much anon that really means a lot thank you so much you guys on here really are my true friends and i love each and every one of you.

>Most of us hikikomoris on here live lonely, painful lives, with little to no money and no hope, but we're still here.

This is also true this board has really helped me open up and express how i feel internally and to be honest year after year i always tell myself i'm gonna kill myself this year but i never end up doing it and one of the reasons is because of media when new media that i'm interested in comes out i don't wanna be dead and miss it also this board has given me somewhat of a purpose. I always have this idea in the back of my mind that someday i want to help people in the west more specifically people in countries like the US. understand hikikomori better although i don't see that happening anytime soon even though the phenomenon has been growing internationally outside Japan.

>To hell with those people. Those are the same shitty people who used to tell me in middle school that drawing would never make me any money.

Well those people are idiots because people who draw obviously do make money.

>Never give up, BO. Never give up, /hikki/.

I don't plan to anytime soon although someday i would like to create an actual hikikomori forum site like the ones that use to exist back in the late 2000s like hikiculture or Hikimate which was ran by Ashley Hanrahan aka Noriko back when she was a hikki if anybody on here remembers that name.

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0c8c78 No.2776

>>2769

>, you need to be talented at something,

I have really good computer skills.

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735cc7 No.2779

File: 862270e68d95129⋯.png (1.35 MB,1000x1400,5:7,5f5fe7f5ecce871b5d369afada….png)

>>2774

Not the anon you're responding to but I wish more people were as positive and encouraging as you are in this post. Goodness knows the world needs it.

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76cc51 No.2780

>>2776

You could try offering local computer repairs, where people bring you their PCs, you fix them and they come pick it up. Yes, it involves a lot of interaction with humans so it's not really pleasant, but few jobs are.

Depending on the skills you have, you could also do contract code work or something of the sort, but the first can qualify as a hobby rather than a job, so no taxes or paperwork.

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0b5c4d No.2788

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41c6c7 No.2805

I've been thinking about killing myself since i was 12 or 13, but i don't think i'll ever get around to actually attempting it and even if i did i don't think i could actually go through with it

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0c8c78 No.2806

>>2805

>I've been thinking about killing myself since i was 12 or 13, but i don't think i'll ever get around to actually attempting it and even if i did i don't think i could actually go through with it

Understandable

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ec8f71 No.2807

>>2765

Been contemplating it for the last 17 years or so at least 3 times a week. There even was a time where I'd spend a good part of the day training to tie a proper noose so I wouldn't fuck up.

So far it still hasn't happened though. Not entirely sure why though. Probably just the natural fear of the unknown. Life now is shitty, but that doesn't mean that whatever comes after couldn't be a whole lot worse.

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bd5756 No.2810

>>2775

>Thank you so much anon that really means a lot thank you so much you guys on here really are my true friends and i love each and every one of you.

You're welcome, BO. I'm glad that I could help lift your spirits. I also consider the people of this board to be my friends and even though I don't know your names or what you look like, I care about you all very much.

>this board has really helped me open up and express how i feel internally

I feel the same way. I can share feelings on here that never could with others, not even my own family.

>someday i would like to create an actual hikikomori forum site like the ones that use to exist back in the late 2000s like hikiculture or Hikimate

That sounds cool. We could have our own exclusive website for hikikomoris only, we could even be better protected against raids, it would reach new levels of comfy.

>>2779

We all share the many of the same struggles here on /hikki/, we know how hard it is because we're in the same boat. That's why it's important that try to lift each other up every now and then. We're live in dark times, but we'll make it through, I'm sure of it.

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0c8c78 No.2812

>>2810

>That sounds cool. We could have our own exclusive website for hikikomoris only, we could even be better protected against raids, it would reach new levels of comfy.

That's very true on here we still have to deal with that but i don't mind maintaining the board.

>We all share the many of the same struggles here on /hikki/, we know how hard it is because we're in the same boat. That's why it's important that try to lift each other up every now and then. We're live in dark times, but we'll make it through, I'm sure of it.

True

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c37717 No.2859

File: dff56c976309a6f⋯.jpg (34.41 KB,466x349,466:349,ihaveneverenjoyedlivingint….jpg)

Yes. About 6 months ago I was a miserable drug-addict and I decided to go forbroke and just hang myself. I tied two bootlaces together into a simple knot while I stood upon a barely-empty paint cannister, slid the rope on, put the knot at the carotid artery and let go.

I woke up just barely due to the fact that my legs had gripped the cannister(I kicked it down but it must have righted itself or got in the way) so firmly that I was able to breathe. I freed myself of the rope and hobbled into my house only to sleep it off for two days.

I have regretted not dying ever since then, bur I suppose it doesn't matter

By the way…I hope that you guys will make that /hikki/ forum, honestly. That would be nice.

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0c8c78 No.2881

>>2859

>By the way…I hope that you guys will make that /hikki/ forum, honestly. That would be nice.

Hopefully someday anon when i do ill. put a link to it on here.

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96ae0f No.2998

I just decided that 2018 will be my last year of life. I'm done with so many things, I've been getting depressing more and more with some rare "less shitty" periods, no friends left because it drove me insane to know I couldn't repay their kindness or worse, that I could burst in angry rants. I'll become a "wizard" at the end of this october, so I'll just treat myself to a trip to the otaku, NEET and hikki holy land during this time (I should manage to get enough neetbux until then). Still don't know what I should visit, or for how many days, I'm just sure that I'll off myself somewhere there, just so nobody can "stop me" or "rescue me" even if it's still a possibility.

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0c8c78 No.3002

File: ee006ae048cb97a⋯.png (257.92 KB,600x439,600:439,simpsons meme.png)

>>2998

I know how you feel anon but remember you will always have us.

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96ae0f No.3005

>>3002

Meh, I still have no reasons, no offense.

"Think about your family". The only creature that will be seriously sad or should I say "lost" is my cat, Dolly, which associated me as her father and best heated pillow. She'll end up confused as to "why am I not currently home now".

My little brother (26)? He has turned bad, he's not a hikki but still a robot although he hangs out with his friends everyday or so and sometimes comes home late (like 5 am this night because new year's eve). He went to university (college, whatever, we're french) and completed some curriculum for lab works since chemistry kinda was his thing, but ended up a year in learning a job in ports, now he wants to work for ports security…. he'll probably won't know how to react, or even care if I don't come home past november.

My stepmother? She's a really nice woman but absolutely clueless about my condition. "It's weird that you don't like hanging with people like your brother… You're sure you're not sad if you say alone at home when even your little brother goes to a party with his friend?". I don't hate her, as I said, she's really nice and will probably feel devastated by my disappearance since she's often a worrywart if you're late.

My father? The source of everything (how predictable!) will probably be annoyed because my stepmother will pester him, worse if my body is actually found and identified since he'll have to travel there, unless they send photos. That disgusting man is celebrated by almost everyone who knows him: "best colleague", "most brillant man I've known", "best this, best that". That guy has the ability to make you hate everything he'll try to teach you, make you feel like shit constantly and always have an excuse if he ever fucks up. Fucking disgusting hypocrite.

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96ae0f No.3009

>>3005

Forgot to add that I've been in the "slump" since I was probably 12, although it's stupid to undermine other hikkis and I'm sorry if I appear like this.

I'm just tired, and want to say fuck all, despite not believing in the afterlife, I saw my condition being mocked simply because I didn't enjoy others company and avoiding interactions to being mocked by pretending attention whores doing "dank memes", world can just burn, I don't care, I've even been somewhat inspired to write about that idea, with continental arks trying to restart humanity after a huge cataclysm.

I've always been keen on creating and telling stories, but my ability has been numbed down, I just feel like a fraud everytime I have a bit of inspiration for a new story and type or write down the first sentences.

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c4a916 No.3070

>>3009

gonna sound like some normalfag shit but maybe you've never met the right people? I've got a couple of online friends and while they're not perfect I get along well with them and enjoy the time we spend together., but honestly I don't know what to tell you, I would probably kill myself too if I was in your situation

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008ba6 No.3080

>>2765

Please don't kill yourself hikki BO. It might not mean much coming from me, but you seem like a nice guy, and I believe not all hope is lost.

I can relate to your post, I have been suicidal as long as I can remember, for years before becoming hikki

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a07fac No.3087

>>3070

That's the thing, I made internet friends that I enjoyed talking to, but I just started to get too bitter and negative in the subjects we covered and decided it would be better to just leave them at it. I don't know about the op, I'm not rich but I get "neetbux" every month and still live with my father (heh), so I shouldn't "complain". But I'm still a soon 30 year old french fat and out of shape guy (I sometimes have chest pains like all my arteries and veins suddenly feel like barbed wires when I inhale, it lasts from 5 to 40 minutes), with just the highschool diploma (baccalauréat) with 3 repeated years, never knew mutual love, always a tool and target of mockery.

Hey, at least, people will point at me and say "don't end up like him, you might end up in the next Logan Paul video about dead people that commited suicide !"

Sorry for the rant, I'm just going to sleep now, I have a huge headache.

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0c8c78 No.3088

>>3080

> It might not mean much coming from me, but you seem like a nice guy, and I believe not all hope is lost.

Thanks anon.

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305523 No.3091

File: 59bb18ef600369d⋯.jpg (148.85 KB,736x918,368:459,fd9732237ceea0a09b6c120058….jpg)

>>3088

Elder Hikki here, I'm going to post some of my art work from 10 years ago tomorrow, I hope it inspires you. It takes effort to become 63 years old, most of it is all in the mind. All I ever wanted to do was to make things beautiful, so that's what I focus on. To change your life, change the story. Don't focus on the world, create your own story and focus on that. We all know how fucked up the world is, but if you let that decide your fate, then you will throw yourself away. Life is the real gift, but if you stare at a garbage can you will forget this. Art is to console those who are broken by life…Vincent Van Gogh. Every artist dips a brush into their own soul to paint their truth.

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305523 No.3092

File: 73a80fde5b6a095⋯.jpg (258.02 KB,800x586,400:293,p826030661-4.jpg)

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305523 No.3093

File: f597d93bfa9e61e⋯.jpeg (1.16 MB,1000x838,500:419,Green_River,_North_Caroli….jpeg)

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305523 No.3094

File: 8ef3d18a334205e⋯.jpg (370.65 KB,1620x1080,3:2,sircriszig_panthercreekfal….jpg)

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143dba No.3095

File: 0db4ff89b6a7a84⋯.jpg (33.09 KB,1280x720,16:9,satou crying.jpg)

>>3091

>>3092

>>3093

>>3094

it's beautiful very nice artwork elder hikki you should post some of your work in the art thread.

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305523 No.3097

>>3095

These are photographs I found, I'll post my work tomorrow in the art thread. I just really wanted to say that if you let the worst of mankind cause you to take your own life, you won't be able to prove that they were wrong about you. I never listen to no, because after the last no, you hear yes. Nature is my muse, such beauty is beyond words. Only man's inhumanity to other men can be so ugly as to make you question your own truth. I hope you understand what I'm saying, give yourself a chance. Get angry about the stupidity of humans and that will motivate you to make small changes everyday, in this way your life can be better.

Take care please

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4a4a35 No.3098

>>3087

french from europe? I'm french too but from canada. I used to be very fat as well (350 pounds) and got those chest pains too, then I went down to 220 and they went away which is one less worry I have, maybe try to make some new friends or get in contact with the old ones and when you notice you're starting to get bitter disengage from the conversation, I know it isn't easy, good luck I hope you find something that makes life worth living

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cab77a No.3117

>>3098

Yeah, France… and about my weight, I did try many times to loose weight through better eating and sports, the sport part lasted for 4 months and everytime I ended up reinforcing my suicidal tendencies, I stopped when I was almost petting a kitchen knife after going back home in almost a daze (barely remembered what happened).

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bfa4bd No.3118

>>3117

I put up art work for you, do you draw or paint, make music, write stories or poetry? :)

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cab77a No.3122

>>3118

I tried to draw but realised it was too much work. I still respect people that trained enough to be able to draw nicely, one of my former best friend dedicated almost entirely to drawing manga styled things and we even wanted to collaborate on a project before many things turned out sour (like me being too edgy and bossy, probably and his family being horrible too).

I commissioned artists for some avatars for a video project and I was really happy with the results, but in the end, I felt lke garbage for not being able to keep with a simple schedule of "1 video per month"… I still found the motivation to create banners for my 2 channels, so here's that? I still haven't made a video since september….

Writing… a neverending pile of "synopsis" or "1-2 sentences put together" on paper or on openoffice documents. I managed to finish something around 40 or 50 pages long that my stepmother "enjoyed" (although I think she just tried to cheer me up because she never mentionned any part of it). The 2 longest written stories/novels I didn't finish are around a hundred and a half (length varying from physical to computer) pages but no will to go on.

I don't like poetry, not that I think it shouldn't exist or what, I just don't feel anything towards it.

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cab77a No.3124

>>3118

>>3122

And about music… I don't know if I can write it off entirely, I completely forgot how to read music charts since middle school but I imagine (again in my head) music from time to time, though it's mostly electronic (but not dubstep, I find it unnerving)

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bfa4bd No.3136

>>3124

Yes I know what you mean, something happens to shock us and the bottom drops out, creativity comes to a halt. I haven't painted since 2007, before that I was very busy, but I had buyers, people who would exchange money for the work. Sometimes life makes a sudden turn and it takes time to recover. But I guess my point is things go in cycles, hills and valleys. I'm in a place now with more room and I'm getting the itch to do something again. There are a few small galleries close, but I hate hassling over money. And then you open yourself up to painful experiences with idiots, hahaha, life with humans eh? I'm not into poetry either, music yes I enjoy listening to it but not rap, beating on a log wearing your loin cloth and rhyming cuss words is not music in my opinion. I guess bitching to music can be considered creative but it doesn't sound very good. I hope that you find something to occupy your time and you stay with us, we have such a great group of caring souls here. And I really do wish you all the best.

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4feb96 No.3181

>>3124

Do you keep a journal? Can you sit down without a plan and write 2 pages by hand whether you feel like it or not, about anything. When I do this after half a page it starts to make sense, after 1 page it takes a direction, and after 2 pages if you like it keep writing. If you want to write you have to show up and do it, It's just like art, same thing you have to work, it won't make itself. But if you get tired take a break, and then keep going. The next day do the same thing. Before you know it you have a book. But it's a rough draft, now you go back through it and cut out everything that is not necessary to understanding the story, polish it.

Believe it or not I'm writing a version of the I Ching. I started in 1980 and I've been working with it for all these years and finally understand it enough to finish the book. Most people only have one good book in them, because it takes 20 years or more of experience to have something important to say. So when you buy a good book it's valuable, sometimes you can avoid the mistakes the author made in his 20 years of life. What do you think? If you write it I'll read it, I'm sure other people here would too. :)

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cab77a No.3187

>>3181

Can't really say if it's interesting, also that would require me to translate it in english before you can read it. And I tend to get inspired with almost everything, I tried heroic fantasy (a competition between 4 "Forces" with 1 chosen dude for each that would gather followers and fight the 3 others to decide which Force would rule the world, although I've been imagining 6 cycles and half with a somewhat twist about all this). I tried simple romance, or "slice of life", but never a good ending romance, usually it involved one of the mc being abusive or a general asshole.

Not really horror but more exactly an edgy approach to the vampires, because I was really hating on that bullshit "you-know-what-I'm-saying'' (was also in highschool at this point and it was one of the worst time of my life) and wanted to write just a gritty odyssey through crimes, violence and sex from the "hero's" point of view.

"Cyberpunk", I use that really loosely because I'm more enticed by the idea of a good future, the giant glass buildings and easy space travels with world peace like they pictured in the 40-50s.

I've realised through the years that this was a genre that I really love, the idea of the technological singularity, humans transcending themselves through cybernetic transplants or things like this. Now I remember a scene from "GUNNM" (Battle Angel Alita in the US, I think?) where one character opens his skull to see his brain being replaced by a small chip.

The fact that the rest of his skull was just empty with this ittsy bittsy robotic replacement was quite scary, sure, I kinda understand why the character just went bonkers after this. But to me, it was a great achievement. Replacing that gelatinous and fragile thing by a chip that could be broken too but copied and placed into a new body. Quite hypocritical of me to think that controlling parasites and useless people by just selecting and keeping Tesla's level of genious is "a great idea", I know.

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cab77a No.3189

>>3181

>>3187

The 4 Forces thing was the project I planned on working as a "manga" with my then best friend. It was supposed to start already in the 6th cycle but after our "break", I wanted to write from the very beginning. It's currently my longest (more than a hundred pages) project "on hold".

The vampire one was more like "heart bleeding" writing, everything edgy was easily flowing out, but not anymore and I'm "stuck" in a part…. I don't even remember why I stopped, I've written worse some chapters before and can't continue.

My most recent writing involves a self insert (with a different name but it's clear as day it's just me) running away to Japan after winning a huge amount at a lottery ("Euromillions", the highest I've seen was 161 millions euros, but the character never says really how much, just that he achieved "fuck you money" through luck). I've imagined 2 other mcs but "self insert" isn't nice, I just try to make readers angry at him.

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3056da No.3190

>>3189

I read a lot of science fiction growing up and it's very popular, there is a market for it. You need to find the right audience for your work. I don't think your Grandmother is it, generation gap, and she probably has completely different interests than you. Have you tried to submit samples to anyone that might promote your stories or be interested as a publisher, or you can try to self publish? You say that you had a best friend, how long ago was that? Maybe It's been long enough to have forgotten the argument, and get back together again, have you tried? You need an audience also I think it's very important to get the feedback and suggestions for improvement. In the beginning all artists are emotional about their work so you need to get used to criticism and get over the emotion. This is the only way to eventually create a marketable product. The public is going to buy what you are selling and you know what the public is like. After a while you develop a thick skin and stop caring what they think or say as long as some of them keep buying. I think you are at that point now, so why not keep going and give it a shot. I can see that you are very intelligent, have a good vocabulary, and you can definitely write. You really should go as far as you can. It took me a long time to understand these things and come into my own power. Who cares what your father thinks or says, eventually he will die, my father died and he criticized me. But I was always kind and gentle to him because I realized that he just could not understand some things. Parents mean well in their own way, but not every parent is brilliant, in their own mind they are doing the best they can. Try trading places with one of them sometime and you will experience what their life means. I wouldn't have traded places with my parents for all the Bitcoin in the world. My father spent 10 years in San Quentin Prison for bank robbery, I didn't know him until I was 12, and my mother was a trouble making pervert. The way I overcame all of this; I did the opposite of what they did and at least I didn't have their problems.

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cab77a No.3257

>>3190

Stepmother, not grandmother, both are already dead and I barely remember any.

About my friend, we didn't part ways just because of a simple quarrel over a written story, but because his family was abusive as fuck and mine moved away. My little brother sometimes keeps in touch through facebook, but I don't have one, I hate social medias and never understood how people got enthralled by it.

He (my friend) got his shit in order and married recently, I just don't want to bother him because I know I don't have anything to talk to him except that I'm a failure. Our last interaction was some years ago when I offered him a game through steam for his birthday.

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3056da No.3267

>>3257

>I just don't want to bother him because I know I don't have anything to talk to him except that I'm a failure.

If he is your friend and a good one, don't you think he misses you? I think you should stop thinking that you are a failure. How old are you? It sounds like you haven't done very much in your life, that doesn't mean that you are a failure. Humans are the only animal that worries about being a failure, 'Why', because of the story. The story of the business deal, the business deal mindset. And you bought into it, this is the only reason you think that you are a failure. Stop comparing yourself to other people, and just do what you can do. If you stop punishing yourself, I bet you could do a lot more, especially with your talent. Love and accept yourself, and find something that makes your lips turn up into a smile. Because I don't want to say goodbye to you. We know that you are a good person and that is enough for us.

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cab77a No.3273

>>3267

I know the ids are fucked up because I used private browsing but I'm the one that stated that this october, I'm gonna turn 30, an "internet wizard". >>2998

And if I end myself, it's better to just have people with that lingering feeling/idea I'm still somewhere, or something than just say "Hey, I see that your life is turning out great. Do you mind if I tell you how I turned into a shitty slob and useless, socially inept dude? Oh, also, I'm killing myself in 2 weeks." It's not worth it.

And yes, someone once already pointed out how I tend to put value on things and "that's wrong" but I have good reasons, so to say. I have a father (and previously a mother) that actually managed to get their life into order (until some point for my mom, then she got severely depressed and killed herself with overdosing on pills). The father is what you could say a model guy, smart, knowing a lot of trivias about History, really good in science (most of his lifejob was working for Foster-Wheeler as a petro-chemical technician and now he's scouted for his recognized experience). All this and more while he was "my age", he already landed numerous part time jobs and traveled a bit around the world by dodging the military service (not sure if it's the correct translation) when it was still 2 years mandatory (now it's just 1 day once you reach 17/18, hearing and watching dvd on how great the french army is, and doing some elementary level written test, there isn't even something physical). He didn't do it by exploiting a loophole, making himself appear insane and then being just refused entry. How? He filled a full case of paper toothpick he made himself. That was enough for the army to think he was crazy, then he went on a boat trip. His jobs as a petro-chemist whatever allowed him to see a lot of countries and meet lots of people.

So yeah, he's basically mister near perfect for his coworkers and friends, but one of the worst father I could get. I'll never forget the day he told me, probably because he had enough of me skipping highschool and horribly underperforming: "If you want to die that much, let's just grab all the fucking pills in the closets and you'll down that with the vodka or whiskey."

That was probably the point where I realised that my plan of pissing him off worked. My little brother was handled a lot more carefully when my father "helped" study for the different diplomas (we have one for middle school to train us for the one in highschool). I got so much shit, he never hit me but was often close to, but even when I was right in my answers, he first insulted me before realizing I actually managed to get right that math equation, and of course the blame on me because "I was wrong for the past hours so it's still my fault".

My little brother was scared to receive the same treatment but instead, my father was almost calm and… nice? No, I'd say just detached.

Sorry for the long as fuck rant, it's 3am and I need to sleep.

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3056da No.3274

>>3273

Okay thanks, needing sleep myself, I'm sick with the flu I think. I'm sorry that you and your Dad are not compatible. You are still just a kid 30 is not old at all, I'm more than twice your age and I'm not grown up yet, it's possible to live until 120 years. I decided to remain 11.5 years old in my mind, the body still ages no matter what you do, it's 63 this year. I found a youtube for you, I don't know if you've seen it before but it points to a different story, maybe you will understand it, see you tomorrow, take care.

Tony Parsons: Wonderfully Gloriously Meaningless

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kg8WHzKidiw

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4a4a35 No.3275

>>3273

Your dad sounds like a real asshole man, I get he's done all these amazing things but what was that quote, judge a man based on how he treats those inferior to him, not equal or superior or whatever. I get harsh love is a thing and it's needed sometimes but saying things like these to someone who is struggling, your son no less, is self defeating stupid and cruel. He probably realizes on some level that he is to blame for your problems or else it wouldn't bother him that much. You have to realize also that our parents were born in a much more prosperous period, comparing ourselves to them isn't realistic.

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cab77a No.3307

>>3275

But you don't get it! I have to man up! Even when I'm coughing up my lungs, I mustn't use medicine because that's for pussies!

I suck at go (the chinese/japanese/korean whatever board game with white and black pellets)? Just git gud, and I'll make sure you'll hate every minutes of it without feeling rewarded in the end, because you suck and I'm gonna crush you with my experience.

Almost anything that guy tries to "teach me" or "help me with", he made sure I hated that thing with a passion from now on and never want to try it again. Kinda happy he didn't teach me how to ride a bicycle.

So, now I'm just petty and treat him the same when he begs for help with his computer (almost, I just grunt and sigh to show how annoying his problems are) because he's scared he might launch the nuclear missiles… or something? 80% of shit he does can be resolved by reading what's on screen.

Last, but not least, he's one of the most messy eater I've seen (how do you manage to get bread crumbs on your chair under your butt when sitting at the table ??????? ) and isn't even bothering with the crumpled tissues half full of boogers he lets laying around.

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cab77a No.3322

>>3274

No offense but the whole "enlightened nihilist" drill never made sense to me. It might be because "giving value" to people is so engrained into me that I just can't understand this. If there is no meaning, that just favors my suicidal tendencies, why bother? Finding that "the Truth" is "in the universe, you mean nothing" doesn't help me at all. It also comes off as hypocritical to say I know the truth, listen to me, I'm useless, you're useless, everyone is useless. Why should I pay attention then? We should all kill ourselves next tuesday, give up on everything because our story will be forgotten nonetheless. yay…

Even if it's just a bit, some recognition is always better than brushing everything off with "nothing matters and you have to understand it", in my humble opinion.

Then again, "just being a 30 year old kid" must mean that I'm not experienced enough with philosophy or something, but I'm not planning on looking further, even though I admit I barely had the motivation and courage to "scratch the surface" of what "life has to give.

I only go out of my room for biological needs, and out of my house (read my father's house) to buy groceries and rarely to check if there are new mangas out. I don't even remember a time when I was "happy" to get out of my house, except when I had friends in my early years (until middle school, mostly, everything went down from there).

Oh right, regarding criticism for my novels, I can stomach them until some points, usually when it's related to badly structured sentences, confusing paragraphs or missing words, etc. The 45 pages story I completed was read by 2 other people before our relationship ended reaaaaally badly, one was not really helping because she thought that she had no right to criticize anything, the other one was angry as fuck because I didn't insist on a part because… reasons ? It just turned out with him calling me "pretentious paris-based smug writer that should just go suck publishers' dicks" because I told him "if you're not happy, you should have written it yourself".

At least, that helped me shaped my vision of life and create 2 "mottos": 1) everybody is an asshole, to a varying degree

2) trying to please everyone is the best way to please nobody (that second one only applies to creating content like novels, movies, music, etc, so everything subjective).

I don't know if anyone ever said that but I kinda like to think I came up with them… egotistic tendencies?

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4feb96 No.3324

>>3322

When did your mother die, how old were you?

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4a4a35 No.3325

>>3322

>1) everybody is an asshole, to a varying degree

>2) trying to please everyone is the best way to please nobody (that second one only applies to creating content like novels, movies, music, etc, so everything subjective).

>I don't know if anyone ever said that but I kinda like to think I came up with them… egotistic tendencies?

sorry, but this is a very common outlook on things, but honestly everyone's already thought of everything, so don't let that bother you. And yes, I agree with you on the enlightened nihilist thing, I didn't want to say anything because it wasn't my conversation but in my opinion if there's no purpose to anything then might as well kill myself, what is the point of enduring the bad things since there's no point to anything?

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4feb96 No.3340

>>3322

I guess that I'm lucky then because I've never been so happy since I gave up fighting and arguing. And now I can just enjoy life. I have no beliefs, most of the stuff you guys talk about never even enters my head, I'm a B-ist, I just B, live and let live. I don't identify as a separate me anymore. I had a realization about 10 years ago and the personal me suddenly vanished. Now I don't blame myself, or punish myself, I have no guilt about anything, I sleep very well. I've tried to share this many times and everyone says the same thing, a standard variation of what you guys said. But you can't explain why I'm happy and you aren't. I can explain it: you believe in the story of mankind and I see it as an imaginary concept. And this is why the world is a lunatic asylum chasing after what isn't real, killing each other in a million different ways. I gave up on all of that, trying to do things and being hurt or confused when plans don't happen. My life happens by itself. My brain thinks of a way through the obstacle course without the me's help. Usually I go to sleep thinking about something and dream about the answer. I don't become attached to a certain result, and have hardly any bad emotions. I don't need any goals, plans or purpose, they just make you unhappy. It's difficult to explain it to people that haven't experienced it before, but rather than force my way through time, I allow myself to be lead by; let's just call it the subconscious self preservation instinct. Now I'm going to say goodbye to everyone and let you B.

Take care, and thanks to the board owner for letting me share a little here.

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143dba No.3341

>>3340

>. Now I'm going to say goodbye to everyone and let you B.

>Take care, and thanks to the board owner for letting me share a little here.

Don't leave the board anon.

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143dba No.3342

>>3340

You don't have to stop posting here anon elder hikki if this is you don't leave you're a good guy and very helpful the community needs someone like you.

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cab77a No.3356

>>3340

It's not because people don't agree with or understand your point of view that it undermines it or just erases it completely. If it makes you happy, more power to you, I just said I don't get it and I might be wrong for it.

Your insights have been valuable on a lot of topics and posts, it's sad that you now feel unwelcome on this board that tries to live out of the toxic chan culture. I hope your flu doesn't hinder you too much and that you can recover quickly.

As BO said, you shouldn't drop the board.

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cab77a No.3357

>>3325

>sorry, but this is a very common outlook on things, but honestly everyone's already thought of everything, so don't let that bother you.

Yeah, thought so.

>>3324

15, in last year of middle school (had to retake the second year because of health issues), I don't remember exactly but during the first quarter (France has school years starting from september and ending in june, mostly divided in quarters except for college that uses semesters). Because my mom's health has been horrible since… well, I entered middle school, my brother and I were put into a host family.

I just got suddenly called in the director's office, wondering what the fuck I have done (kinda low grades in math and spanish, I forged my mom's signature sometimes on teachers' notes), and they even went as to tell me to pack all my things. When arriving in the office, my little brother was also standing there with my host family, the director asked if I wanted a seat, I just said "no thanks", and then he started to ask me and my brother some bullshit about believing in the afterlife…. wat.jpg

Then he dropped the news about my mom found dead this morning, by saying my mom has departed for heaven with a somewhat sad face. Oh right, my brother has always been slow with metaphors so while I was trying all I could to not drop and bawl my eyes out, they (director and the host family) tried their best to make him understand. Once it clicked with him, he bawled, then I couldn't stand up anymore and tried to cry the less I could.

"Medicine overdose accident", they said. I was only when I was… I don't know, above 20? That I learned it was actually a suicide, and in the most out of place way, my stepmother just stated it at the end of a dinner a day when my father wasn't home. I should have understand when my father told me to kill myself with pills.

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143dba No.3359

>>3356

This anon gets it elder hikki i really hope you see these recent post you are absolutely still welcomed here.

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4a4a35 No.3361

>>3340

I'm sorry if I came off as hostile, we disagree on some philosophical thoughts but all the same I am happy you're here sharing your wisdom with people who need it

Unrelated but I had a realization this morning. I thought I was have killed myself a long time ago by now. It's been 4 years, and I'm still here. I don't know how much further I will make it but I take pride in the fact I have made it this far. A lot of people would disagree because they would only see the superficial side (we have talked about this before, fathers who buy a lot of toys) and think I had a good upbringing, but honestly I think I was handed a pretty shitty hand, bullying at school, come home, fighting with mom, flee to my dad's, fighting with dad. I will allow myself to feel good about the fact that I made it this far.

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95bbf9 No.3373

>>3357

I remember when I was 15 it is a tender year, all young boys, young men are very close to their mothers, so naturally you, your father and brother were damaged by her loss; I can see that it's still unbearable. But I hope that you don't blame yourself in some way, there is nothing that you could do. So hopes and dreams, goals, plans, and purpose, they are just words. They won't bring your mother back, and imagine how your death will make your father and brother feel; I'm sure that they both love you very much. My father had some strong opinions and beliefs too, and things that he learned in prison hehe. A prison priest turned him into a catholic so he was always blessing me, telling me to get married, he wasn't in the home because my mother had moved on, I had a step father who was just as bad. So my father would say "be a man and do what you are supposed to do, it's in the bible." And I would say; did it work for you? Then why are you telling me to do it and suffer too. He was married 3 times, and life just happened, it didn't matter what he did, it still happened, you follow me?

>>3341

It's nice to be loved thank you, just didn't want to waste anyones time or piss'em off.

>>3342

thank you.

>>3356

>I just said I don't get it .

No thats okay nobody does, clarity is not liberation. But I do thank you for the kind words.

>>3359

:)

>>3361

I understand and It's best to vent the anger and get it out.The 'me' has a lot of repressed anger, because the viewpoint - is 'me' against them. It has strategies, formulas, goals, plans, and that 'purpose thing' for life. It is so busy doing all of that, that it can't just enjoy being alive. He's so wound-up in anxiety making everything happen that his life is ReKt, most often the harder you work the worse it becomes.

This is my story: In 2007 I was living on the edge of a forest 80 acres, about 32 hectares. In an old trailer, it had water, electric and a woodstove, it was really nice. I couldn't hear any human noise and the wildlife was everywhere. I didn't need a clock, or phone, it was like stepping back to an earlier time when things were simple. One of my jobs was cutting firewood, there were 12 buildings and they all had woodstoves. I really enjoyed it because there is nothing like being in nature for me. I was there for about 6 months and one day out in the forest I sat down to rest, and I couldn't see anything man made. Suddenly I realized that everything created by man was a dead imitation of nature. Pretty much everything we have is under the heading of tools, but nothing is alive. This is why we need an army of repairmen to keep everything patched up. Nature is alive, it heals itself, there is a life force that we can't own, but we do keep trying haha. So everything that mankind does is imaginary, take everything that is man made away, and what is left is reality, what is left is life, the only thing that really matters. When I meet people they always have a story about the 'me' someplace in time, usually the business deal mindset, but it's never about what is real. Since that time this vision has evolved and deepened until I'm not human anymore.

take care anons :)

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ef74f7 No.3375

Absolutely not. Death is the reason i have no motivation. If i could live forever, maybe it would be worth trying to accomplish something. But as it stands, everything disappears after death, so what's the point.

Even still, why kill yourself when your life will be over in the blink of an eye? 70-80 years is nothing. And no matter how miserable your life is, you might as well experience it the one chance you get.

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cab77a No.3380

>>3373

>imagine how your death will make your father and brother feel; I'm sure that they both love you very much.

I don't give a fuck anymore, caring for others, trying to protect the bullied, the kinda outcast kids was always what I thought was the right thing to do, it just ended up shifting the attention.

Then, discovering the next year that you are in the same class as most of the bullies, huzzah, karma loves me. But I guess if I was still a christian, I should have thought "God is testing meeeeee". In the end, I unfortunately met with one of them, although he was… kind of a follower and not so much proactive. He had a "loving gf" and was studying for being a male nurse (guess his gf was already one… I don't care). But since some recent studies have proved that bullies aren't actually "compensating" but instead are more likely to be really successful and fonctionning members of society, welp.

Caring about others was the only reason I still stayed alive, morbidly wanting to see them not fucking up like me, feeling like I was somewhat relevant in their lifetime… meh, I just don't care anymore.

As I said before, my father will simply feel annoyed, I can tell from what he did when his parents died, or how he handled my mother's death as an annoying prick to me and my brother because "we didn't take all our belongings despite how much he paid for them". In a way, it was true, I had some first edition power rangers robots (All of the series with Rita and "Lord Z", with the "Ninjazords" and the next one, as well as some "Zeo" and "Turbo zords") in good condition except for the stickers falling off here and there despite being often handled while making up stories to entertain myself and my little brother. I don't know what happened to them, social services or police whatever took them, probably, giving them to other children in need or destroying them?

I admit I'm just a prick, I don't give a fuck about what my little brother will feel or my stepmother. Maybe my cat, because I've been receiving almost unconditionnal attention from her these past years, I almost taught her to eat food and use the litterbox myself. She kinda turned out into a bitch afraid of any strangers that might enter home but I don't care.

I don't care, I don't give a damn, that flies over my head…. "Je m'en cogne", "Je m'en fous", "Je n'en ai cure". Same thing previously but in french, kinda.

"I'll die in november" ironically became the title of my last writing, because I found it fitting.

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95bbf9 No.3386

>>3380

>"I'll die in november" ironically became the title of my last writing, because I found it fitting.

It's wednesday january 10th, okay then have fun.

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143dba No.3388

>>3373

> It's nice to be loved thank you, just didn't want to waste anyones time or piss'em off.

You didn't buddy you're fine. :)

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cab77a No.3390

>>3386

It's the only way I could gather enough money to do that last trip without having a debt that might ot might not get passed on someone from my family, as they tried with mother's debt, but since we weren't major at that time (my little brother and I), they kinda dropped it, though one asshole once threatened me with it 2-3 years ago.

So yes, I'll try to have fun.

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143dba No.3432

>>3386

> okay then have fun.

This

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a399b2 No.4097

>>2765

>i'm completely drained of life

boy, this is the same shit I feel.

It feels so hard to get up every day for nothing.

Just wanted to tell you that I know that feel and you are not alone. Sadly this is the type of exhaust that nothing can cure. We are just like planes that ran out of kerosene.

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143dba No.4101

File: 48ac7616a9a1b3a⋯.jpg (93.15 KB,588x473,588:473,1457164706797.jpg)

>>4097

>It feels so hard to get up every day for nothing.

>Just wanted to tell you that I know that feel and you are not alone. Sadly this is the type of exhaust that nothing can cure. We are just like planes that ran out of kerosene.

This is so true i honestly do have some days where i don't want to get out of bed at all and just lay there and die slowly.

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80a188 No.4455

File: 81d1c118e096685⋯.jpg (66.25 KB,877x1080,877:1080,Orihara.Izaya.full.1101131.jpg)

Seems like the right thread

It's my birthday today and I don't get used to be pretty lonely like this at least my mom was here telling me that it's alright etc

I'm losing my ability to write everyday

There are pretty much of words in my head but I can't put them in a meaningful sentence

thanks for everything guys and a special thanks for the BO on here also thanks elder for the time you spent trying to help us

Hope I will see you again

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143dba No.4459

>>4455

Happy birthday anon stay strong.

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5a8694 No.4460

>>4455

>I'm losing my ability to write everyday

One thing I would suggest is going to a board that you don't care to much about, /b/ or /tv/ would work. Go into that board and make some posts on something just to practice your writing in small ways each day. If you mess something up, don't worry about it, since those boards are crap anyway and you're not really messing anything up. Also, whenever you start to feel a bit too lonely, come back here, I'd be happy to keep you company. We're all in this together. Happy birthday, anon.

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143dba No.4466

>>4460

> I would suggest is going to a board that you don't care to much about, /b/ or /tv/ would work. Go into that board and make some posts on something just to practice your writing in small ways each day. If you mess something up, don't worry about it, since those boards are crap anyway and you're not really messing anything up.

This is something i actually do.

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c831ff No.4469

File: 4d97fbef09d4448⋯.png (121.15 KB,397x298,397:298,ClipboardImage.png)

>>4459

Yeah thanks man I ordered two cakes, two pizzas and 2 liters of coca I eat them all last night i really can say that it was such a heavenly feeling being full of food then lay on your bed like a panda watching your favorite anime and fall asleep, despite the good pleasure i got i hope i won't end up developing and addiction to food that may result of me becoming the next Japanese fat fuck basement dweller in other words like satou when he imagines himself i don't want to end up like that

>>4460

I may consider that but honestly I feel like I've to read more books and try to write on my own may as well look up grammar video again I degraded in my native language which is English that hurts me somehow giving that it makes me feel like a complete retard

thanks anyway

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143dba No.4471

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

>>4469

>I ordered two cakes, two pizzas and 2 liters of coca I eat them all last night i really can say that it was such a heavenly feeling being full of food then lay on your bed like a panda watching your favorite anime and fall asleep,

Sounds like a good birthday again happy birthday man even if you're alone you will always have us.

>Despite the good pleasure i got i hope i won't end up developing and addiction to food that may result of me becoming the next Japanese fat fuck basement dweller in other words like satou when he imagines himself i don't want to end up like that

I don't think any of us on here wanna end up like Satou at age 50 tbh.

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eb78d8 No.4698

I've been thinking about it for years although I doubt I'll ever do it unless something pushes me toward it as to be honest I'm not brave enough.

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143dba No.4699

File: 280fe82993a3fb5⋯.png (26.97 KB,458x428,229:214,1520604598317.png)

>>4698

>I've been thinking about it for years

Same here.

>I doubt I'll ever do it unless something pushes me toward it as to be honest I'm not brave enough.

I did try to kill myself when i was 16 but i failed haven't tried since then and to be honest even though my life sucks and i feel like shit almost everyday running this board gives me a purpose and makes me feel somewhat happy.

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389b69 No.4700

File: 65f16efe40c8936⋯.jpg (158.81 KB,640x918,320:459,663477.jpg)

>>4699

And I love you BO for what you're doing on this board

Absolutely all of us on here have suicide thoughts which sometimes get unbearable

And I honestly tried to kill myself before but I failed and I'm scared to try it again tbh

So no matter what happens I guess we've to stay together and never lose this place

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553b2d No.4702

>>4698

>unless something pushes me toward it

I think the only way I'd go through with suicide is if/when my parents die and I'm about to end up homeless

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5a8694 No.4706

File: 448c8842430ceeb⋯.jpg (23.99 KB,477x425,477:425,448c8842430ceeb8b6be60be90….jpg)

>>4698

>I've been thinking about it for years although I doubt I'll ever do it

Same. I don't really have a purpose in this life, but rushing towards death seems equally as pointless.

>>4699

>I did try to kill myself when i was 16 but i failed haven't tried since then

So did I, same age too.

>running this board gives me a purpose and makes me feel somewhat happy.

I would hope so, you do it well, BO.

>>4700

>So no matter what happens I guess we've to stay together and never lose this place

Agreed. I truly believe that as long as we have each other, we'll pull through somehow. Hikikomoris in the west have nowhere to turn, no support networks or organizations. No one in the U.S., Canada, or Europe gives a damn about us, so we have to look out for each other and build our own support network. I hope a day comes when we are all able to support ourselves, and when the world tries to harass us for being who we are, we can proudly stand together and tell the world to fuck off and eat shit.

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143dba No.4707

File: 3d55da46f57b296⋯.jpg (206.61 KB,720x480,3:2,1508516061631.jpg)

>>4706

>I would hope so, you do it well, BO.

Thanks anon that means a lot.

>Hikikomoris in the west have nowhere to turn, no support networks or organizations. No one in the U.S., Canada, or Europe gives a damn about us, so we have to look out for each other and build our own support network.

This is very true i'm kinda jealous of japanese hikkis tbh because they have tons of support unlike us also the only european country that seems to care about us is Italy makes me sad that there is really no support for shut ins outside of asia for the most part.

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7a2732 No.4709

File: e69105f320141ad⋯.jpg (4.31 KB,300x168,25:14,sato2.jpg)

>>4700

>And I love you BO for what you're doing on this board

Thanks anon that really means a lot as well.

>All of us on here have suicide thoughts

Very true.

>So no matter what happens I guess we've to stay together and never lose this place

You are absolutely right anon this is probably one of the only places on the internet where true hikkis have a comfy place of their own.

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02a85f No.4723

I have some savings to burn through.

Then there are some materialist things I want to get rid off as well. Mainly video games, merchandise and crap like that. Once I took care of those things it is waiting until I used up my money and then buying a tent and hibachi for my last adventure

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ea5b05 No.4746

File: 76d8f0535878b43⋯.png (142.11 KB,420x397,420:397,1505472618813.png)

>>4723

>I have some savings to burn through.

Personally if i were to ever kill myself i would do this as well i would burn through the rest of my money and make sure i had nothing left in the end.

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eb78d8 No.4774

>>4746

I'd pay for my funeral in advance but that's it.

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beca3f No.4868

>>4774

>>4746

That's what i'm currently doing, currently wasting life savings gambling since its the only thing that gives me any satisfaction in life right now planning on doing it until i run out and finally put ending it all

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143dba No.4869

>>4868

Anon if you want to kill yourself i obviously can't stop you seeing as how some of the users of this board have already killed themselves and to be honest i don't blame you but just remember that you will always have us and that us hikkis have to stick together.

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f8d4d5 No.4875

File: 33b792ffc3f9026⋯.webm (1.11 MB,450x360,5:4,very sad do not open.webm)

I would assume most of us at least know about the /r9k/ kid who blew his head off with the KSG? He was obviously not a hikki, he was barely a robot. But I still feel like I could relate to him on some level. Still, the stream itself was very hard to watch and really got me thinking about all this. He did everything I would've done when i was still living with my parents. Put a tarp up as to try and not leave a big mess, left a note for someone to find, streamed it. But it was the aftermath that really got me. I've seen suicides and gore, but watching his mom find him. Hearing his little sisters in the background, hearing the paramedics and police find him. That really put things into perspective. I already knew this but i never want anyone to find me after i die, or at least not in this context. I don't feel guilty for being the way I am, but I do feel obligated not to be a burden on anybody. What a nightmare he put his family through there. They're probably going to want to get a new house after that too. I've already went into the woods to kill myself, didn't go through with it, but that's the way to do it. Go quietly release myself into nature.

webm related is something similar but is way worse, the guy shot himself and then his little sister finds him and this is her 911 call

>>4869

Solidarity is a nice thing. But honestly for this it's not really a comfort. I like talking to people I can relate to but it actually upsets me to know that there are people in similar situations. It reminds me that it's not just me that's fucked up, it's the whole world. It's actually easier to deal with when you think that it's just you.

not the anon you replied to btw

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143dba No.4877

File: f7f102f7a361cfc⋯.jpg (14.02 KB,400x321,400:321,Cy2S5a1XgAERYHl.jpg)

>>4875

>webm related is something similar but is way worse, the guy shot himself and then his little sister finds him and this is her 911 call

Holy shit that made cry.

>Solidarity is a nice thing. But honestly for this it's not really a comfort. I like talking to people I can relate to but it actually upsets me to know that there are people in similar situations. It reminds me that it's not just me that's fucked up, it's the whole world. It's actually easier to deal with when you think that it's just you.

I know how you feel anon.

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9ef913 No.4890

File: 5800611449a88f5⋯.jpg (45.77 KB,737x574,737:574,1518251216411.jpg)

>>4875

That made me feel a way that i haven't felt in a long time.

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143dba No.4891

>>4890

>That made me feel a way that i haven't felt in a long time.

I know right.

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386f06 No.5858

I wake up everyday with nothing to do, so I might end it this year. With no goals, motivation, or aspirations, there isn't much of a point to stick around. I don't even think I'm particularly depressed at the moment, there's just nothing for me, or perhaps nothing I'm willing to try and put effort into. The world is fine, I'm just dysfunctional. I'm worried about my mom though, she won't make it when I kill myself. She's already lost one child, I can't imagine what another loss will do to her. But I just can't keep going. Every day, it's just the same thing. Nothing, nothing over and over again, it's always just nothing. I can cry and experience the same overwhelming emotions about life and feel a bit closer to understanding what's going on, but it just doesn't help. I'm past the point of help as I'm always returning to the same problems, and the same answers come to me.

I feel terribly fucking alone, but I can't connect to anyone. And no one can be honest with me, and I can't be honest with anyone. There's always some kind of filter or bullshit, and no one is going to just listen, because they can't. For some reason no one can just sit and listen and understand how alone I've been for so many years.

I know this post is random, there's no logical flow to it, there's no point to it, but I have absolutely nowhere to go to just rant and release.

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71fbf0 No.5861

File: ae7d976798d706a⋯.png (396.81 KB,1698x535,1698:535,firefox_2018-05-01_19-55-3….png)

>>5858

i am here, anon.

let me be your guiding hand to help you

let me be your shoulder to cry on

i know the pain of being alone. people holding your hand while fading. i wonder where those people have faded off into. i could focus on the bad things that had gone on my life and the fog of depression would fill up my room. i would not want to leave the world sad or hopeless or anything related. be there for you mom.

i used to be angst to my parents

but i dun wanna have the last word

not worth it

do whatever your parents tell you

and be there for them

you die and live in your escapism but do not remember your life before you died and just live in your escapism just like you did not die like

you would not be aware of you being dead if dead but are aware when dream

you would not say >am i ded

because you would not be aware

i can understand if you knew you were dreaming

like

you just 'poof'

or just a fading off feel

when die

then just fade into your afterlife

no such thing as 'hell'

because how sodiety is /here/

and why we are how we are now

you do not remember life before you were born because you did not gather anything

like

while living

you gather places/people to make an escpae place/afterlife

then die and

just wake up off bed like

you been there whole time

understand?

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e82836 No.5863

File: 4791f46a9277d44⋯.jpg (501.4 KB,1840x3264,115:204,01b1f180d7233f6a5ce5883ead….jpg)

I had a really vivid dream about shooting myself last night and I cant help but feel like it was a vision of what is to come or what may come since I didnt even realize it was a dream until I woke up. It wasnt scary at all, it felt strange but peaceful. Hopefully I can convince one of my parents to buy me a gun and I can finally find that peace.

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92618f No.5865

File: bbb51ae7fb2b8da⋯.jpg (4.99 KB,235x214,235:214,images (4).jpg)

>>5858

>>5863

Both of you don't kill yourselves i can't stand to have another one of our own die i don't deal with death all that well especially knowing that i've lost people i knew over the years both irl and online.

>I knew Randy Stair online and used to watch his content 7 years ago

The board moderator seems to have disappeared without a trace as well its been 4 weeks since i've heard from him please please please don't kill yourselves you guys will always have us and we will be here to support and help each other. I think about killing myself all the time but i find that if i try to keep myself busy while in isolation for the most part I'm fine.

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e82836 No.5866

File: d350819292b5b50⋯.png (385.54 KB,800x450,16:9,yori2i29.png)

>>5865

Its ok anon I cant even do it right now and my parents probably wouldnt even buy me a gun anyway no matter how much I beg. Im way too big a bitch to do it any way other than shooting myself no matter how bad it gets. Doesnt mean that I dont wish for it or think about it a lot though.

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92618f No.5871

File: e804f0c41a1b7e0⋯.jpg (246.75 KB,600x600,1:1,wojaj feel.jpg)

>>5866

>my parents probably wouldnt even buy me a gun anyway no matter how much I beg

I probably can't even get one to begin with considering the fact that i was committed to the mental hospital in 2014 unless i got one illegally somehow i guess.

>I'm way too big a bitch to do it any way other than shooting myself no matter how bad it gets.

I think about killing myself usually almost everyday i know how you feel i too can't stand living anymore. I even get the impression that nobody really cares about me anyway. My siblings are very successful and already have their own apartments jobs cars and so on basically everything i wanted when i was 18 and i would be lying if i didn't say that i'm jealous of them which i kinda am and sure my parents may bitch at me and continuously tell me to start working but at the same time they continue to enable my lifestyle instead of trying to fix it and it doesn't seem like they care about what i'm going through anyway and like i've said before i am not the only hikikomori in my family my stepbrother has become one as well but they are clueless idiots who think technology is always the cause of extreme social withdrawal. For the most part i am content with my life but i do have days where i wake up and just wanna go outside and jump in front of a oncoming train to be honest.

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ab2233 No.5874

At this point for some reason I know that I can't/won't kill myself at the moment. But I know that I will eventually which is a weirdly comforting thought. Like the idea that i can control and plan it rather than do it out of desperation. I mean if it's my last gasp i can probably score a few thousand dollars in payday loans or some shit like that so i can have a good last day, or few days. Where i can just drink and eat whatever i want and then when i feel like it i can get really hammered and just let go. I've been thinking about this a lot lately and it just sounds so comfy. I could do it in the winter so my body doesn't stink up whatever room i find myself in. In preparation i can destroy all my hard drives. It's not like i have anything worth looking at i just don't want my stupid family using my laptop and going through all the autistic shit ive collected over the years. Like my folder with nothing but images of Satania from Gabriel Dropout. Or all my weird fetish porn. I could clean up after myself, pack things up. Maybe get a haircut. Just prepare my last days so i can go out with the pride that i so stubbornly cling to even though i'm a loser by definition and everyone treats me as such. Maybe i'll get a nice bottle of whiskey rather than the cheap shit i usually drink. Listen to my favorite albums, watch my favorite movies, then just die. I always thought that bleeding out would suck but having almost died from that recently you sorta just get cold and drift away. If i just sit in a warm bath then i think it might even be pleasant.

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e82836 No.5875

>>5874

That payday loans thing is pretty smart anon, I would have never thought of that. What do you think the odds are that they would actually give someone like us anything though? I have no credit and no income so even if I managed to somehow leave the house, get to the place that gives the loans, and successfully talk to them without making them suspicious, that they would probably decline me for having no credit history. Do they really just hand those things out to anyone who asks?

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ab2233 No.5878

>>5875

Pretty sure the whole scam is they give loans to anybody, but at a ridiculous interest rate. My idiot parents used to get them all the time and they had shit credit. I don't know exactly how they work but i'm pretty sure you sell them your soul, so like SS number and everything about you, for a a lot of money. IDK exactly how it works but i think it would be worth a try. Maybe also try to get a credit card. This idea is just about getting some money to enjoy yourself. I mean honestly if i could just get hundred dollars from selling my crap then thats enough to to at least buy booze and food which are the most important items.

>booze

>food

>shelter

>entertainment

even if i have to spend my last few hours in the big public park in my city that would be fine

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7dcfa0 No.5909

File: 92eaf1611e97961⋯.png (219.2 KB,800x800,1:1,ClipboardImage.png)

I don't feel alright lately nothing to occupy my mind with anymore, I've tried everything tried joining online communities and interact with the people on them but they sensed my unusual autistic behavior and my inability to interact normally and have decent conversations with them. They talk about alot of normal activities such as new movies, tv shows etc, things that I defiantly have no interest in them whatsoever. So I joined shut ins and hikkis discord servers instead of the normal ones but guess what I found, they're 1000% worse than the normalfags. they're punch of pretenders gaining attention by whoring themselves and post pictures of themselves, On top of that there were some attention whores pretending to be shut ins probably they're Tumblr and twitter whores worsening discord servers dedicated for introverted and shut in people.

I absolutely have no direction or purpose in life. I lost all my motivation even playing new games doesn't fill the void anymore, nothing works quite as powerful as used to be some years ago.

I usually waste my time watching youtube videos and daydreaming about being in a different place. Watching Asmr videos is also a great from of escapism for me so I tend to watch alot of them everyday. ((Goodnightmoon)) is a pretty talented Asmartist for anyone who want to give it a try.

I think I'm not very suicidal yet but I don't have any desires either. I'm lost and I'm still 19yo, If I kept living like that I don't know how I will make it to thirty and forty years old, something must be wrong in my system. I want to be a genuine person but the fact that I don't have any friends or anyone to care about me very terrifying.

Anyways excuse my rant guys.

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71fbf0 No.5914

>>5909

>yarning for a time for /us/ because noone showed us how to understand this generation/time-era

am 28.

4/5ths of my online/irl friends are dead/have cut contact with me or i lost contact with them or gotten 'lives'.

the 1/5th are people like you and me

all our heroes/role-models that made this planet good are dead/dying but they still will live on within us.

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b75867 No.5929

File: 31705834ab456d7⋯.png (879.71 KB,700x840,5:6,ClipboardImage.png)

>>5909

A little off topic update but it made me suicidal again.

My aunt was here today and she pointed out my increase in weight (I gained alot of weight because I find comfort in eating it replaces my lack of social connections and help me cope with my isolation. however, lately I stopped eating and I've been following OMAD (one meal a day) for two weeks to help me lose the weight, I'm 110 pounds overweight and it's a struggle.Back on topic she said that I'm pretty ugly and look like an ass. It made me realize how ugly and disgusting I am and I cried alot today.

No one likes me anymore I'm not a child anymore and I'm supposed to be responsible for myself and cope with my depressed state of mind, they've no idea how hard it is for me to continue living everyday let alone find a job and wageslave. Even my aunt said that I'm ugly and fat I wonder how the people on the street will react when they see me I don't want to be bullied again or hear any negative comments on how I look because that's what lead me to isolation in the first place.

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d6c332 No.5930

>>5929

Eating once a day works. Also, stop eating sugar and don't drink soda and you should lose most of the weight. Exercising every day at least a little is good for you as well. Also, food shouldn't have anything to do with emotions. It's for survival, and eating is actually pretty boring. I changed my mentality, so it's definitely possible to do. I can say I look way above average by my own standards. Just a few things to improve, like my uncontrollable and unpredictable hair.

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92618f No.5931

File: dc187e8aa2de68c⋯.jpg (40.11 KB,490x278,245:139,japan_culture_hikikomori_s….jpg)

>>5930

>Exercising every day at least a little is good for you as well.

What kind of exercises do you do in your room anon? I do push ups sit ups leg kicks and sometimes i will leave my room and go for a night walk.

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2bca53 No.5934

>>5929

I don't eat an awful lot myself but I have gained weight over the years because I don't move a lot. Basically I get up and sit in front of my computer all day long, once in a while I cook, but that's about it. Like other anons said doing a bit of exercise will help a lot, and it'll most likely make you feel a bit emotionally as well.

One more thing I want to suggest is try and taking care of your appearance. Learn how to cut and/or style your hair. If you have a beard take good care of it and trim in when it needs it, things like that helped me feel better about myself as well.

>>5930

>It's for survival, and eating is actually pretty boring.

I get what you're trying to do, but you take that back. Cooking and eating food from around the world, from various cultures, from hidden villages in poorer countries is and always will be exciting as fuck. So is learning about ingredients you've never even heard of or learning of new ways to cook something you thought were fairly familiar with. Food, besides vidya, is the only passion I have and if I were to reintegrate into society I'd try to get a job in a kitchen somewhere.

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2bca53 No.5935

>>5931

Forgot to reply to you in my last post. I wanted to add squats to all of the exercises you mentioned as well as some makeshift weights. If you don't have any fill jugs with water, though that is probably not that good for your form.

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d6c332 No.5936

>>5934

I don't know, I just stopped caring about fancy food, and eating in general for the most part. Cooking is something that I would rather avoid, to save time, and because I like eating simple things. No need for a recipe when I can just eat all the ingredients. I am lazy enough and good enough at enjoying simple things that if you give me bread, salami, cheese and lettuce to make a sandwich, I will just eat all the ingredients except the bread with my hands, maybe even standing up, and I won't make even a single actual sandwich because that's unnecessary work. Actually, just eating things as they are is basically what the body wants me to do anyway, and it's easier, and it's healthier. Cooking isn't all that important to me.

Meat, vegetables and eggs are delicious, in random combinations as well. Some fruit here and there for health purposes. Also a massive amount of nuts, because they are easy to eat, so I always keep them around. That's all I really need, and it's great. It's all related to the asceticism that I developed and extended over my life, but I do actually enjoy eating like this. Being this way isn't hard at all, at this point. People nowadays are just too desensitized to simple, efficient pleasures.

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2bca53 No.5937

>>5936

I don't really disagree with anything you said here, and I've heard that snacking throughout the day on things like vegetables/fruit/nuts as opposed to eating a few large meals is better for one's metabolism. However cooking itself is really rewarding when you know what you're doing.

I generally use recipes and certain dishes as a guide to make something similar that's essentially my own creation. It mostly depends on what I currently have on hand in the kitchen, but I'm fairly lucky that my father tends to buy lots of herbs and spices that I can play around with. Experimenting with food and trying to figure out what may go well together and the end result being delicious is one of the more pleasurable things in my life.

On top of that I've always had a big interest in cultures that aren't my own, and while food is not the whole of it, it definitely plays a big part of cultures and gives a small window if insight to other regions of the world.

don't take my ranting too seriously, I was just a little butthurt at the eating is boring comment

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d6c332 No.5942

File: b17746f2f9dff87⋯.webm (10.52 MB,640x360,16:9,Terry Davis got the drum ….webm)

>>5931

Mostly all kinds of cardio. Moving and jumping around hyperactively. Dancing around like an idiot is fun as well. Moving a lot is fun and gets rid of a lot of stress, so I really recommend that. That's the advantage of being alone, you can do every dumb thing imaginable and look as stupid as you want to and no one will ever know. You can do whatever you want, while you can't do that in public. Not being able to move however I want in public is something that actually causes me stress as well, I realized. Being alone, I can do anything. How great is that? Also, I like squats. Some sit-ups and crunches as well. Other than that, I don't even have a method, I just move fast and spend energy.

>>5937

>I've heard that snacking throughout the day on things like vegetables/fruit/nuts as opposed to eating a few large meals is better for one's metabolism

Doesn't sound all that natural, since our bodies are made to be able to endure a certain amount of scarcity. I only eat once a day. Not sure if it actually matters, but what people say certainly doesn't matter to me, since there are many people saying whatever you may want to confirm, so it's kinda irrelevant unless you have the skills to verify that yourself, but I'm no biologist, so I can't do that. Not all that concerned, though, since I really doubt that the body is all that specific. I trained my body to do this, so at this point even following my hunger still leads to one meal a day anyway.

I wasn't like this in the past, though. This is just what I became. Nowadays I just want to eat dead animals and plants, and eggs. Not having to eat would be great since living would be much closer to free, things wouldn't have to die in order for me to survive, and I would have even more time. It would be pretty fantastic, though not having to sleep would possibly be even better just because of how long it takes. Not needing anything would be the ideal, of course.

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6f60e9 No.5996

File: 02ac8960632119e⋯.png (528.19 KB,1280x720,16:9,ClipboardImage.png)

I'm so miserable and lonely that I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I've been a hikikomori for almost four years and I still didn't figure out which path should I follow in this harsh joke so called life. I think to determine something after being a shut in for so long you've to be really strong and powerful but I'm too weak and lazy to make anything, last year I thought I will be happy when I droop out of highschool but it was just my fantasy it seems I officially dropped out of highschool three months ago and I was really cheered up for a while but eventually I lost my charm again.

I live a terribly lonely existent no friends, family are living in the same apartment as me but I don't recall a time when they actually sat and talked to eachother seriously. I'm in my room all the time watching Anime and wandering around breaking things apart but no one dears to care anyway.

3 years ago I had this relationship with a girl online and she was really nice to me at the beginning I won't deny it I loved her so much, I loved walking up everyday to talk to her and wait for her to finish school and go online, I was still a shut in and didn't go to school we played a MMO together and it was such a nice time tbh I kinda felt peaceful with her she was the very first person that I sent my picture to without any regret or anxiety. One day she didn't log in to the game and deleted all her social media accounts I never saw her again ever since that day, Yesterday though I decided to create a facebook account and search for her and I was very shocked when I found her account, in fact I cried but I realized that it's all a waste of time anyway because she has alot of friends, a bf and she's about to go to college soon. I wonder if she still remembers me though.

Actually I don't know what I want to do anymore I'm kinda lost and nothing makes me happy at all. Just thinking that I'm still in my room while everyone else is progressing in life is depressing as shit. My thoughts are getting overwhelming lately and It's like I'm living in hypothetical déjà vu. Suddenly it gets very quiet as if I'm dying and I remember things from my past but they aren't very clear. I'm getting weird I really need to die.

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d6c332 No.6003

File: 0ee2516fa7de823⋯.png (Spoiler Image,1.09 MB,1057x1500,1057:1500,078.png)

>>5996

You seem to see women as a little too important and sacred, blaming yourself too much when failure should be the expected outcome when dealing with them. Well, you just have to realize that 3DPD women are boring and shitty and you will never feel bad about this again. I got over that quite a while ago. I think most people here did. Haven't felt anything for women in 7 or 8 years. Maybe because my worldview changed and I got the Disney way of looking at women out of my head and adopted a more practical and historical view Other than reproduction, women have no actual purpose. They only care about resources, reproduction (they don't really care who it is as long as the man can be effectively worked to death like an animal, not that the children even have to the his, of course), and attention. Everything good about the world, women have no appreciation for, or hate. Destroyers of civilization, in fact. That's why everything goes to hell as soon as men take their chains off, every single time. They annoy me a lot as well. Nothing value of say, and their voices give me headaches. I don't want anything to do with women. I'll be a wizard in a few years.

Now I can finally use this image that I saved just for this occasion. Lets see if I regret it.

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6ece53 No.6004

File: 7b9697b3cede1d7⋯.png (121.97 KB,428x240,107:60,ClipboardImage.png)

>>6003

You're absolutely right anon they've no actual reason to be on this earth except for reproduction and produce other generations to continue the circle of suffering. I've recognized my mistakes and all my flaws. I used to obey for women they controlled me in middle school but the outcome was always the same every single one of them thought that she's a perfect tiny little cute god who deserved to be worshiped for nothing of value but a stinky hole in between their thighs. I stopped desiring women years ago this online relationship was really effective to the point where I despised all of them. however. I'm still weak and unable to be happy not because I don't have a female in my life I actually don't know why I feel empty as if I've been living for decades and the new generations have nothing to do with me. even when I'm trying to watch hentai I don't get excited and erected like in the past I lost interest in porn and as soon as I get an erection I lose it in seconds.

And about your picture he's right about women. Even me tried to be a cute boy but I realized that sex isn't an option for me so I lost interest and stopped taking care of myself.

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ab7912 No.6013

>>6003

>Everything good about the world, women have no appreciation for.

Nonsense much, your existence in pain made you loose some clarity of thinking, and develop hate.

Understandable though.

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e4afb0 No.6018

File: 5ac497a283cdc00⋯.png (32.13 KB,616x558,308:279,0001.png)

>>6013

Philosophy, art, technology, science. All dominated by men, and always will be. Women only have very superficial appreciation for things, at best, generally, and even exceptional women are still nowhere even slightly near an exceptional man, so they can never become more than a decent teacher a lot of the time, really. Being rational in general is a male thing. Their intelligence itself tends to be around the average. They are physically inferior to men (and so are their brains), can't control their emotions unless they are weaponizing them, and are limited in skill as well. You can look at all hobbies, whether they are physical or mental, men are the best at it, every time, even trannies are better than them, but still suck compared to healthy men, because they are trying to be women. Women can't innovate either, and never seem to have original or independent ideas, because of their conformist nature. Inventors have always been men.

Women are so limited that you will probably never even see one here, because they just go along with everything, so they can never fail (or really succeed, since they will always be mediocre, for the most part), and they are barely on any board anywhere since they have nothing to discuss and can't handle any level of discussion beyond what you'd find on Facebook. Even things that women do well, they do it because it's expected from them, and as time moves forward, they do it less and less, because they have no social obligations anymore, and idiot men want them regardless. Women are for reproduction, and that is so important in natural selection that there was no need for them to develop anything else. The women tend to always survive, no matter how average, or even bad they are. They can also repeatedly betray their own civilizations and side with enemy barbarians (as they did in the past, and as they do now), and men can't do shit about it in a society that wants to survive, because getting rid of all the women is suicide. At the same time, if a lot of men die, a society tends to live on, so nature has always experimented on us a lot more than on women.

Because of realizations like these, and just observing them in general (they are half of humanity, so of course I had a lot of real information that backed all this up, my whole life), women repulse me on many levels. They are way too boring and evil for what their qualities are. Reproduction is a destructive act as well, in our world, so even that is bad as far as I'm concerned. It never ceases to amaze me just how little thought people give to the act of creating new lives. Women specifically aren't even capable of understanding the consequences of the shit that they do, a lot of the time. They are really just dumb animals, trying to get what they want, and suck the life out of men, the majority of the time. Most men may be shit, but at least many of us can be exceptions, since we aren't nearly as standardized, and aren't made for just one purpose. In fact, bad men tend to be a lot more obsessed with women than good men, and I don't think anyone could deny that. Being depressed because of a woman just comes from a lack of understanding of their actual nature. Even if you want a woman, just keep your emotions out of this, and especially don't let rejection affect you even slightly. Women will always try to use your emotions against you, so just stop having feelings for them. The guys that I want nothing to do with, that get all the bitches but have no real value in life beyond that, they know exactly what they are doing. Follow their advice.

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e4afb0 No.6025

File: 108f9c21738d2db⋯.jpg (83.54 KB,1000x640,25:16,108f9c21738d2db799dd61ff8a….jpg)

Feeling the need to post this so I can maybe prevent suicides. I suppose my general advice if you're suicidal or depressed, whether it's because of issues related to romantic bullshit or has nothing to do with it at all, is that you should find value in your own life, and in things that you like and/or embody, that are eternal and can never be lost. If someone or something else is your only reason to exist, then you will always be way too emotionally vulnerable, unless you change that. I guess that would be my advice, along with not treating women like these saintly beings that are perfect, and the source of all purpose in life, because it's quite the opposite, and women are actually considerably less likely to find meaning in life than men are, so they are less likely to be able to do this at all, and will generally they take the easy way out and pretend that following biology like animals has any inherent value. Ideally, what you want to be is someone that could lose absolutely everything external and still survive, and still manage to find a way to enjoy existence. If you do that, you can get rid of most of your suffering.

That's my relationship and life advice to men, that could maybe even apply to very few women, and that probably has zero value to anyone except myself, because I will be a wizard in no time and I don't want anything to do with that. Maybe I will summon a 2D ♂succubus when I'm 30. No women for me, though. I purged that impulse from my brain pretty damn long ago.

But the main point is that I really wish I could help people achieve what Zen Buddhists call satori, which is essentially realizing the nature of your own existence and freeing yourself from the limitations of the world. The first step towards enlightenment. But apparently I haven't figured out how to save other people quite yet, and only being able to help myself doesn't feel like it's enough. I guess not being able to share my progress is a huge failure on my part. Maybe I just need more knowledge, or my ability to communicate is absolutely hopeless. Maybe people just have to be prepared for it, and it will happen naturally later on when they're ready.

Studying how they implemented koan might help, since I did everything accidentally, from scratch, just thinking about Pre-Socratic ideas about the nature of existence, trying to find truth in all of them, and Plato's ideas, death and the nature of being, and knowing a little bit about many traditions. All this while absolutely isolated, and essentially cornered and feeling like I couldn't survive in reality, in a sequence of multiple breakdowns, but also finally seeing the patterns and the sense in reality. I can clearly see the moment where the change began, in my mind, and then it grew more and more as time went by, and the isolation just accelerated the process. Regardless, I think hikikomoris are more likely to achieve this, since isolation and being backed into a corner mentally and in life in general, are things that facilitate this sort of transformation, or metanoia (the Jungian sense and the "religious" sense, both). I just see a lot of potential there. A bunch of people living like hermits, that seem to have a lot more potential for spiritual and mental development than normal people. Not trying to do something with that potential would be a huge waste.

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ab7912 No.6031

File: 40779588c502fa0⋯.png (302.66 KB,299x381,299:381,escapism.png)

>>6025

>Not trying to do something with that potential would be a huge waste.

I don't care, I'm a nihilist.

You / we are loosers in the eyes of society, and that's it. We're not gonna do any spiritual revolution. Our personalities are shit regardless of the social system we're in.

We have no motivation, no objective goals, we're emotionally fucked up, we're useless and our purpose is waiting to die rotting in our rooms.

Waifuism is escapism developed to a laughable extreme.

You think you're smart and that you're getting enlightenment, but you're simply delusional. You'll be a wizard in no time? That's weird, since you sound like a 20 year old. If you're near 30 you should have got through this delusional phase.

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652bba No.6032

File: 8604f697accbbd0⋯.png (291.25 KB,432x350,216:175,ClipboardImage.png)

>>6031

>I don't care, I'm a nihilist.

Exactly this potential is useless if the progress will always be pointless in the eyes of society. If you made any spiritual progress then maybe it will help you cope with life for a little bit of time but it will always be another form of escapism from your demons. you pretend to be enlightened and intellectual to feel better about yourself and that you're beyond the normal minds but in reality you're no more than an unmotivated zombie living in the corner of your room.

>Our personalities are shit regardless of the social system we're in.

This, regardless of the fucked up world we would've been the same even if the world was a heaven. We're extremely shy, have sever social anxiety and unable to interact normally. the problem is laying within us not the world at this point. ( Yeah I know the world is boring and we've no interest to participate in the normal activities but that's not what I meant by (the problem is us not the world)

>You think you're smart and that you're getting enlightenment, but you're simply delusional. You'll be a wizard in no time? That's weird, since you sound like a 20 year old. If you're near 30 you should have got through this delusional phase.

I agree. he has a despise for women ( I agree to some extent they're boring and not as intelligent as males).

He sounds like he's still not burnt out or depressed enough yet to not care about anything along with his spiritual bullshit.

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92618f No.6038

File: c35d2c338d30a98⋯.webm (5.72 MB,640x360,16:9,videoplayback (1).webm)

>>5942

>. Dancing around like an idiot is fun as well. Moving a lot is fun and gets rid of a lot of stress, so I really recommend that.

I used to do that all the time back when i lived with my parents.

>That's the advantage of being alone, you can do every dumb thing imaginable and look as stupid as you want to and no one will ever know. You can do whatever you want, while you can't do that in public.

That's true one thing i love about being a hikikomori is that i am completely alone and i can completely be myself nobody is around to judge me or anything.

>I realized. Being alone, I can do anything. How great is that? Also, I like squats. Some sit-ups and crunches as well. Other than that, I don't even have a method, I just move fast and spend energy.

Interesting i should probably try some of that stuff out sometime.

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e4afb0 No.6048

File: 2d81f85ab203150⋯.jpg (2.9 MB,2048x1598,1024:799,099.jpg)

>>6031

Well, my enormously autistic brain resulted in a mind that can never stop, especially when isolated. I was able to rebuild myself at least as someone that can survive no matter what, taking advantage of the fact that my mind refuses to stop thinking, and of contact with ancient ideas. I just wish I could make other people in a similar position stop suffering so much so I don't have to see as many suicides all over the place anymore. Maybe avoiding the internet entirely and being alone forever would be better, but I would rather not become even more pessimistic. Then again, the patterns seem to indicate that being as pessimistic as possible is the correct attitude to have. At the same time, if I give up and stop caring about anyone at all, and completely stop communicating, there will be no going back. I will eventually lose any ability to connect that I still have. Just one step forward from my current position and I will be alone forever and completely disconnected from other people. I'm trying to prevent that, but it just seems to become more likely by the day.

>>6032

>He sounds like he's still not burnt out or depressed enough

That's what I was like before. I think I first considered suicide when I was 5 or 6, so misery is nothing new in my life. I just learned to manage it pretty well and keep it from killing me, for the most part. Trained myself to not feel anything unwillingly. Not that it's easy.

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ab7912 No.6061

>>6048

> I'm trying to prevent that

That's what imageboards are for, and online friends, if you can manage to have them.

Other than that there is not much else.

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1e86d8 No.6318

File: 7b1487fa79c239c⋯.jpg (81.64 KB,546x896,39:64,7d59d54e72daa5a3ee5032f061….jpg)

I just don't see the point in going on anymore, the only thing keeping me alive at this point is not wanting to destroy my mother but the thought of just throwing myself out the window grows more and more appealing by the week. Every day is the exact same thing; eat, sleep, listen to the same tunes, play the same games and staring at the same ceiling. The only thing I enjoy these days is sleeping, waking up fucking sucks as its back to same tired routine and feeling more exhausted then I did before falling asleep. video games just remind me how shit I am at everything, my lack of hobbies and motivation to learn new ones a constant reminder of my total lack of meaningful skills.

I don't have the will or strength to "fix" myself and even if I did, whats left of life to enjoy? Mine is supposedly meant to be starting yet it feels like I've experienced all it has to offer me. I will forever be an outcast, and normals can tell instantly when someone is different or off and make sure they are well ostracized from the pack. I have no desire for relationships, feminism has forever tainted the majority of women into entitled children possessed in an adult body who have no idea how easy they have it. There is no help or escape but to keep digging into escapism until it doesn't work.

Sorry if this all comes across as really edgy but I just don't know anymore.

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910eaa No.6320

File: 81d1c118e096685⋯.jpg (66.25 KB,877x1080,877:1080,81d1c118e096685af7f5e30804….jpg)

>>6318

>I just don't see the point in going on anymore, the only thing keeping me alive at this point is not wanting to destroy my mother

Basically the only thing stopping me from killing my pathetic self is my family especially my sister. She's still young and I don't want to leave her with the burden of my death. but if I did I'm really sorry for being so selfish life it too hard once you fall deep down the rabbit hole.

>Every day is the exact same thing; eat, sleep, listen to the same tunes, play the same games and staring at the same ceiling.

Exactly the same anon, I repeat the same shit everyday and I lose track of time most of the days. Sometimes I even keep being awake for four days in a row and forget to eat anything. I would keep dancing with my suicidal thoughts and no body knows a shit.

>The only thing I enjoy these days is sleeping, waking up fucking sucks as its back to same tired routine and feeling more exhausted then I did before falling asleep.

I can't even comprehend how you do that without any sleep medication. insomnia is fucking me up these days and I have to take sleep medication to help me fall asleep. But even then my dreams are nothing but horrible nightmares so staying awake is better for me.

>video games just remind me how shit I am at everything, my lack of hobbies and motivation to learn new ones a constant reminder of my total lack of meaningful skills.

I quit video games because I was too stupid and apathetic to play them.

Now I don't have a desire to learn anything or do anything 'useful' I only keep being awake thinking about killing myself.

>I don't have the will or strength to "fix" myself and even if I did, whats left of life to enjoy?

That hits close to home anon, you are not alone. I don't have any intention to undone the damage either. I just want to be left alone even though I barely able to handle myself and I need constant distraction from my mind.I still prefer to be left alone or at least talk to people like you that helps a bit. I'm sorry for your situation anon I thought by letting you know that there are people like you out there you might feel better.

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1e86d8 No.6364

File: 8b3c01a25963a79⋯.jpg (146.73 KB,1200x900,4:3,b7fbc6369f6bfaf4bb4b2fabc9….jpg)

>>6320

>I can't even comprehend how you do that without any sleep medication

A blessing I haven't been hit with insomnia but it takes me hours of tossing and turning before I finally conk out.

>I quit video games because I was too stupid and apathetic to play them.

I still force myself to play them because if I didn't I'd have nothing left, my interests are extremely limited and the mix of anhedonia and lack of motivation to learn new ones leads to too much downtime which leads to a constant assault of suicidal urges.

>I don't have any intention to undone the damage either.

To me, it just isn't worth the stress, humiliation and anxiety to be always seen as inferior. There is far too much to fix for such little payoff which is to rejoin society and be a good thoughtless worker drone. I would rather just lay down and die but I'm still needed by someone.

>I'm sorry for your situation anon I thought by letting you know that there are people like you out there you might feel better.

Its a mix feel honestly, on one hand its nice to know you aren't completely alone, on the other its still other people suffering with no way out. Thanks for replying though anon, I genuinely appreciate it.

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2bca53 No.6365

File: b0c64fd0d6589da⋯.jpg (20.31 KB,399x305,399:305,Suicide_Booth.jpg)

>>6320

>you are not alone

>I thought by letting you know that there are people like you out there you might feel better.

I never understood why people say these things in order to cheer others up. Confirming that there are others out there in equally shitty situations isn't exactly a good thing, neither does it change the individual's situation. If anything it usually annoys me when people say these things to me, but >>6364 clearly appreciated it and it's a fairly common thing people say, so I'm probably the odd one out here. Apologies if I came across as rude, that's not my intention

On topic: At this point I'm just waiting and thinking for a good way to go out. I had everything planned out before I moved, but that plan no longer works unfortunately. I wish there were better means for suicide that don't involve buying stuff or leaving the house.

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dc7a74 No.6366

File: 0e5c691d1fe6915⋯.jpeg (26.77 KB,500x642,250:321,0e5c691d1fe69157ccacfaf49….jpeg)

>>6365

>I never understood why people say these things in order to cheer others up. Confirming that there are others out there in equally shitty situations isn't exactly a good thing, neither does it change the individual's situation

Tbh, you make sense but Its a usual thing to feel better when you realize that you are not alone in your situation and there are people out there who've it like you or even worse.

(Maybe, you're annoyed at those who tell you that you don't have it as worse as an African child so you should cheer up) it's not the same here. you just appreciate that there's someone out there who's about to kill himself too so you feel less lonely. but that of course doesn't change the individual's situation and I appreciate your point 'cause to me it makes alot of sense.

>. I wish there were better means for suicide that don't involve buying stuff or leaving the house.

I always wished for that too. but apparently there's only hanging that doesn't require alot of preparations like other method. You just have to get a solid rope and find a good place to hang yourself.

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2bca53 No.6367

>>6366

I kind of get where the people that say it are coming from, but

>you just appreciate that there's someone out there who's about to kill himself too so you feel less lonely.

Isn't that more depressing than reassuring? Here's a person who is in similar shoes you are, but they want to kill themselves as well.

>Maybe, you're annoyed at those who tell you that you don't have it as worse as an African child so you should cheer up

Definitely, though that would anger me quite a bit more. Luckily no one's ever said anything along those lines to me, and if they did they'd get a hearty "go fuck yourself".

>apparently there's only hanging that doesn't require a lot of preparations like other method.

That was my original plan, where I currently live there's no spot I can really do it at since I live in a (very nice and furnished) basement with a fairly low ceiling and I'm 6'4". There's a large, old tree in the yard I could try it at, but it's in view of a busy street. Risking failure is not an option.

I really hate how frowned upon suicide is in general. Especially when people try to talk you out of it because "think of your family and friends, it's selfish" excluding obvious exceptions, but even then they have a right to go through with it etc. No, fuck off. It's selfish to expect someone to continue living for your own sake because you don't want to mourn a death when they have weighed their options, decided they do not think it's worth living and wish to die. Suicides that are well thought through and not impulsive should be supported to minimize potential botched suicides that physically fuck a person up even further. Shooting off your face with a shotgun and surviving, as an example. The euthanasia program in Switzerland is a big step in the right direction in my opinion. I wish more countries did such things and included people that don't have certain illnesses.

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8c7558 No.6370

File: bb8ed096b061db2⋯.jpg (36.71 KB,620x465,4:3,1462414722545-1.jpg)

I usually would never consider posting in a thread like this, I'm kind of conservative-ish/moralfagish and don't take the subject of death lightly. But the subject of suicide is really appealing in light of the continuous bread and circus maze bullshit everyday, there comes a time when something seemingly small irritates you enough that you just say fuck it. This world in reality is nothing but an illusion, people will debate this on and on but I really don't see an alternative to this viewpoint. (They ALL admit this implicitly, all religions etc, yet it's always the idea that somehow 'leaving' is never an option i.e dying and that to always struggle in this shit jew world as the right and de facto decision. polite society bans all discussion of it) And neither do I see an alternative to suicide as a way to escape right now. This website is owned by the Government (research this lead and you will find proof, guaranteed if you're interested) so you guys should be careful what you say here, they love to data-mine. These people are dangerous. I think you guys are probably scared of getting hurt, no? And are thinking of the most harm-free way of doing the job? It's extremely easy for someone to physically kill themselves yet psychologically impossible for them to do it, and extremely hard for some to physically get the conditions to do it and psychologically easy at the same time. The will to kill is there, but there's no way. Prisoners think like this, people under surveillance in Totalitarian shitholes too, I'm the latter. And most of you are too, probably, without thinking it just by posting here etc. The control is hidden, but it is there. I do like you guys and this board, I don't think there is anywhere else on the Internet that is as free as this board largely speaking. Everywhere else has strict rules and dogma and has banned me if I step out of their line. I basically have nowhere else on the Internet to really go to. I'm just too different to all these people. I'm like an alien compared to them in truth, so you have to lie just so they think you're in their club and do all the cool and right things that they do. Damn this post is disorganized as fuck now that I'm looking at it's structure tbh. Anyway, you have to have some self-worth, a stable identity and a sense of self to do a suicide, I don't really think I have those. My material body has it's own interests separate from mine like eating and fapping and other perverted shit so it would never let me kill myself unless I had a strong enough will-power at the right time. I think research into suicide and what some call suicide planning is the best bet for me honestly. I genuinely think I'm not related to these other so-called fellow humans, they're all fucking evil. It's all Evil vs Evil or Spy vs Spy in the real world, there are no real heroes, truly. Everything innocent can possibly be raped, every hope possibly destroyed. What's the point in it all. My life is basically trash, I need to get the fuck out of this hellhole sooner or later, or they will eventually try to fuck me up again like they've done in the past continuously. Hey, I guess I can at least I can do more risky shit in this suicidal mood though for now, right? Life Is boring, death could possibly be much more exciting. The question is, are you willing to take that next step?

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67ec62 No.6381

>>5863

If you're gonna shoot yourself, don't make your parents buy the gun. That's just fucked.

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311548 No.6396

When I was in highschool, I meet my first girlfriend after a year of dating, she left me to focus and school and I attempted once that time, was trying to drown myself. 4 months later and we were back together for a solid year and a half of dating until she admitted she was cheating on me with some faggot from California, it was the worst fucking thing, tried multiple attempts within the year. Fuck that whore tbh though.

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05e79a No.6481

So, here we are, second week of october and I couldn't even get things ready for my "last trip somewhere for my 30th birthday before offing myself in november."

Keep feeling like the world goes faster and faster while I can't even remember calling a phone number about passport renewal…. since March. Yay….

I tried, I swear I tried to "change", see if I could get something out of my sluggish "creative" mind in video forms. But no, because I don't use clickbait thumbnails, I'm not a cutie big tiddie grrrrrl, I'm just a fat slob and too self conscious/hating and refusing to show my face.

Spending days to gather footages in 2 languages, sometimes searching for japanese original meanings to see if the translations twisted them or not.

All those fucking efforts for naught, as I fucking can't just write 1 sentence without needing an hour of mindlessly "browsing/refreshing sites".

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97d6f9 No.6489

>>6481

>(snip) as I fucking can't just write 1 sentence without needing an hour of mindlessly "browsing/refreshing sites".

Really, this is one of the things that seriously messes you up about this lifestyle. After a few years of this you can't even think straight anymore. You just do things literally automatically, like you were just an observer watching your robot self doing unhealthy things you hate. A decade of hikki life and my mind is broken in weird ways.

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316d18 No.6604

Does anyone remember the hikkichan user who offed himself earlier this year in summer?

does anyone have the link to his memorial site?

what was the exact date again?

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316d18 No.6605

I ask because soon it will be all hollows eve and I want to light a candle for him and all the other anons I remember offing themselves who I felt close with.

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aeacdd No.6607

>>6604

>>6605

Are you talking about Nux?

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65b6fa No.6609

>>6607

Yes I think it was his name. I remember there was a link posted here somewhere around july when he offed himself. It is 1st of november soon and I want to light some candles for him and another guy that I was close with

Please give me the infos you have. Maybe you still have the link somewhere or some screencaps of his last posting. I know I saved them somewhere but I never can find the stuff I need when I need it most. I should get rid of my lurk folder because its useless anyways

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65b6fa No.6610

File: 784f15cf11b9c99⋯.jpg (30.76 KB,682x144,341:72,byebye.jpg)

I think this was his last posting. I guess I found it

Now what was his name again? John or James IIRC

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aeacdd No.6611

>>6609

>>6610

His name was Jordan Patrick and all the information on him is in the interesting links thread.

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e4d7ec No.6612

thank you anon

I will light a candle for him on thursday

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d907b6 No.6618

>>5874

>I always thought that bleeding out would suck but having almost died from that recently you sorta just get cold and drift away. If i just sit in a warm bath then i think it might even be pleasant.

That is a very good idea, anon. My favorite so far, actually. An Intravenous needle like they use to draw blood, except….well, there's no stop to it. Just sleep.

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ec20c9 No.6700

>>2774

but u need to go outside for sell it

and you need friends

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2bca53 No.6823

File: fca1458aa1ddbae⋯.png (706.57 KB,757x960,757:960,35LbQq.png)

I want to get off my chest why I am against rule 4. I'm not very good at articulating my thoughts or arguments but I'll give it a shot anyways. in hindsight it turned out good enough

Firstly, if the rule was altered to "Do not encourage or discourage suicide" I'd be perfectly fine with it. Encouraging someone to kill themselves under most circumstances makes you an asshole, discouraging it through the wrong methods or reason is selfish.

If you discourage someone based on emotions because you personally don't want to feel sad and mourn their death you are selfish. If you guilt them into not doing it because "think of your sister/parents/me/whoever else" you're an asshole for abusing guilt. There are exceptions to this, for example having children that still need to be taken care of, that's 100% the person's responsibility. Encouraging suicide if the person that wants to kill themselves is contemplating doing it based on emotional impulse just makes you an asshole.

Which brings me to the next point. Committing suicide based on an emotional impulse or something bad that happened to you recently is pretty fucking stupid too. Should this be discouraged? Sure, but not through the methods or reasons I described earlier. Don't outright tell them they shouldn't do it or guilt them into not doing it. Question whether they really wish to die, whether the reasons are good reasons, whether they would regret it if they could. Talk rationally to the person about how they feel or what happened and try to understand that. Give your opinions on how you feel about the whole thing and what you would do in their shoes. I find this method is a much better one in the long run because you try to make the individual consider things they otherwise wouldn't because of the emotions they might be feeling, so the next time they may feel the same way they could be able to see things differently and as a result talk themselves out of it using rational thought. Just to clarify I treat this method of discouraging differently than outright "discouraging suicide" because you never tell them not to do it and instead walk them through a rational thought process.

What about those people like myself who have thought very long and hard, when they weren't under emotional tension and when things were going relatively well in their lives, concluded that they wish to commit suicide anyways? If someone truly believes life has nothing left to offer them, they experienced the things they want to experience and decided they now wished to die based on lots of contemplation, what gives anyone the right to tell them they shouldn't do it? This is also partially why I support the idea of legal assisted suicide for everyone if they can prove they thought rationally about it. Switzerland has an assisted suicide program that is incredibly difficult to get into and takes a long time to process, but it's only for those with terminal illnesses to offer them a dignified death, which I think is a great first step.

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2bca53 No.6824

File: ec7f6a13fd62093⋯.jpg (25.3 KB,295x372,295:372,5568.jpg)

>>6823 (cont)

The only option most people have are conventional ways of suicide, like jumping off a tall building, jumping in front of a truck on the highway, hanging, overdosing, even drinking bleach. None of these are guaranteed death, and if they are some of them can take a long time with tons of agonizing pain to boot. On top of that if you have seen gore videos of any capacity, which most of you should have by now based on being on an image board, you know the end result of jumping off a building or in front of a vehicle isn't pretty. The real crime here is presenting a mangled bloody corpse to your family to bury instead of an intact dignified one, or worse: a brain damaged mess that needs his diaper changed every hour. If suicide fails, you could become crippled for life and will probably be even more miserable. Say you hang yourself but you get discovered and revived. If you were out long enough you could very well sustain permanent brain damage. Based on that I believe it's beneficial to talk about methods of suicide to avoid the worst possible outcomes, and I think it's a particularly interesting problem to solve for us hikkis that are too anxious to even leave the house to commit suicide or get the the items they need.

As far as encouraging suicide goes, I believe the only time it is acceptable is when all of the above have been discussed, but the individual is still too afraid to commit to their decision to end their life and you offer a means to provide some courage.

In conclusion: I'm against encouraging or discouraging suicide directly and instead support understanding the why and give input based on your own opinion and what you would do.

I'm for discussing methods of suicide, which are best, which are the most successful, which are the lowest risk, and which may be applicable to a hikki lifestyle.

Lastly I want to acknowledge those of you here that have been talked out of suicide before. I'm aware some of the things I say could be interpreted as insensitive but that is not my intention. I mean no disrespect. In the end I'm in the same boat as you.

Please criticize, argue, agree or bully. I'm interested in other anons' opinions.

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8dfd1d No.6831

>>6823

>>6824

Good post, anon. I can't think of anything that I disagree with, either.

Have you ever lurked >>>/suicide/?

After going there for several years, I've concluded that the most generally-agreed-upon successful method would be a gun, though I also enjoy the creativity people have with coming up with various methods, as well as reading about people's experiences with depression, asylum stories, and even failed attempts.

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2bca53 No.6832

File: debeeb3952d557c⋯.jpg (195.16 KB,1200x749,1200:749,mask.jpg)

>>6831

>Have you ever lurked >>>/suicide/?

Nope, going to check it out.

>the most generally-agreed-upon successful method would be a gun

That would be my method of choice, though not with a full length shotgun. Unfortunately I don't live in freedom land, so that's not an option.

supposedly pic related is an almost fool proof method as well.

I'm interested in methods specifically for hikkis that can't leave the house to buy materials or order online, it seems like an interesting problem to solve.

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2bca53 No.6837

>>6835

Really? That's fucked.

Surely it's still possible to get your hands on pure helium, no?

After a little digging around it seems like you can still find companies with 100% helium tanks that ship. So I guess you just have to be mindful of where you buy from. Still, now I'd be too paranoid to attempt this.

Are there any other gasses that are easily available that work?

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2bca53 No.6840

>>6838

Given the nature of hikkis I doubt many of us have access to a car. Charcoal is interesting but I'm too worried about accidentally burning down wherever the deed is done, and if it's done inside our home whether it will affect others that live here.

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c5adcc No.6890

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677e8f No.6940

I'll have a birthday here in a few months and I may just make that weekend my last. Atm I've got access to firearms and enough cash to disappear (at least to somewhere my body won't be found for a good long time anyway)

I don't really know anyone in the real world who'd be worth reaching out to, who really gives a shit about me or has any interest in who I am or how I'm doing outside of cold familial obligation. My family resents me, I disgust myself with my complete incompetence in making any headway on this earth. I know they'll feel cheated, my uncaring mother, my shitty brother, my sociopathic parasite of a sister, but oh well. I'm sure they'll whip out the crocodile tears for the brother and son who's death they'll mourn but whom they had no interest in associating with while he was still breathing. What a waste of words.

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7afcc7 No.6941

>>6940

good luck

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aeacdd No.7276

File: 21096d657eff79e⋯.jpg (60.32 KB,520x390,4:3,Aokigahara forest.jpg)

I wish i could travel to Japan go into aokigahara forest and end my life been thinking about it recently and it just seems peaceful to be honest.

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7b4db0 No.7277

File: ecca0c624c2a0c7⋯.gif (998.52 KB,500x370,50:37,1486582881118-2.gif)

Same old story, but I've also thought about killing myself, practically every day for many, many years now. Funny how some people get up and think about the weather or what they're going to have to eat whereas, with me, I just think about how much I want to rush headlong into the arms of the reaper, whispering in that dry ancient ear, "Here, I am. Here, I am. Now please, put a fucking end to it.". More than just that though, all I can really think about in the many moments of excruciating restlessness & pain that slowly, painfully, and relentlessly drag themselves throughout all the days of my life, is what in fucking hell is it gonna take for me to finally kill myself. I know about DNMs (darknet markets), and I know how to use them. I could get some Nembutal or Fentanyl, or hell, maybe even a fucking shotgun without too much hassle whatsoever. But I won't. I could very easily just put my head down on the active railroad tracks not, but a quick stroll away from here and patiently wait for a train to flatten my head to mush. But I won't. I could also slash my wrists, followed by peacefully bleeding out in a warm bath, and let that be that. But I won't. And why, you may ask? Because I'm afraid. That's it. That's ultimately all that's holding me back. I'm just a cowering sack of shit who's too afraid of the dark. Of being alone in an endless void, screaming into an infinite blackness forever. The act of dying is bad enough, but the terrifying potential of the unknown, when I really sit there and think about it and what form it may take, fills me with dread and paralyzes me completely. Whether it was pills, or a gun, or a train, or even a common razor, there would always be that moment where one stands at the precipice between life and death (pills in hand ready to be swallowed, loaded gun in mouth with finger on the trigger, train barreling down the tracks towards you etc.) and that precipice yawns in front of me like the Marianas Trench. So much so that I recoil, like the ego, DNA based biological programming, and just good old fashioned cowardice want me to. Only to endure more of the same. To suffer & suffer & suffer only to inevitably die someday anyway. I don't want to suffer anymore. It doesn't make any sense to wait for, let alone to fear, something that's going to happen whether my retarded reptilian brain wants it to or not. The thought of the jagged, tortuous nature of life pricking and pulling at my flesh for years more to come like the spiky, rust covered maul of a mace being slowly and carefully dragged over my decayed self rending what happens to be left of me with each new pass, with the pain only exceeding, with my body and mind continuing to disintegrate adding to the already present agony, of knowing that it's all a prison of my own making and that the exit is right in front of me if only I had the strength to step through and let go of my fear.

I suppose the simple answer is to all the crap I just vomited out, is to just get drunk beforehand, or to otherwise inebriate myself in preparation for the act, thereby dulling the survival instinct/fear response enough so I can carry on with ending my life. And that might work for someone else, someone I desperately wish I could be, but, in the end, I just see that as shifting the precipice post, as it were. Instead of the precipice post being your finger on the trigger, it's the bottle of whiskey, or whatever, in your hand. It's the implicit knowledge that "This is it. This is how it ends. No turning back after this." and I'd be faced with the same infuriating predicament. One of the only grim hopes I have is that a complete & total catastrophe (like losing my parents, for instance) might tip the odds just enough in my favor to finally end it. I really don't want to have to experience that living nightmare, but I just don't know what else it'd take. I've also often envisioned that, if I had a gun, on how I could sit with it in my mouth unloaded (at first) and pull the trigger over and over again just so I can build up the muscle action. Eventually I could put one bullet in just to get used to the idea of it being loaded and then go from there. I've always hoped that might be the ticket for me, but I'm probably kidding myself. Maybe it'll take a combination of everything I've mentioned. I don't know.

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7b4db0 No.7278

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

>>7277

(cont)

It also bears mentioning that family is certainly no barrier to me killing myself. At. All. Since, after all, I'd be dead so what difference would it make how they'd feel given that I wouldn't even exist anymore? I don't mean to sound cold or cruel or vicious when I say that, but it's not like I can really control how they'd feel and sticking around for their sake alone, despite being in agony, would be foolish. If you feel differently that's fine, but I don't. If I had the guts to kill myself right this instant, even if that meant having to do it right in front of my parent's eyes (as part of the hypothetical catch of finally being able to do it), I'd proceed without hesitation. Their feelings wouldn't amount to a hill of beans when compared against seizing true freedom, frankly. Controversial opinion, but, as far as I'm concerned, anyone who says that family is the only thing holding them back, are just lying to themselves, and are just trying to find an easy excuse to cover up for their own cowardice and lack of balls to pull the trigger.

The real answer though, as much as it pains me to continually realize it, is that there is no answer for someone like me. Not really. Often my most common fantasies in regards to suicide have been those in which my death happens suddenly and without my knowledge. Examples being the more common variety such as dying unexpectedly in my sleep somehow, or, in my case, more fantastically remote possibilities like a meteorite streaming through the atmosphere and blasting me through the head from the ceiling. I've also fantasized about being struck with a life ending illness of some kind. On a similar note, it would also be nice, in a way, if I could take the terminal disease of someone who still wants to live. After all, they get what they want, I get what I want, and I get to really help somebody for once in my life just before I head out the door. What's not to like? Besides the impending doom/pain associated with the disease, of course. I've also fantasized a lot about somebody else killing me, thereby saving me from having to do it myself. A home invader, a trigger happy cop, a professional assassin hired to kill me when I'm not looking, or even some make believe person who hates me enough to want to kill me for whatever reason (I looked at them the wrong way, or something). Nazi style euthanasia would also be awesome too since, in that case, it would be pretty much a guaranteed execution for me to enjoy. In the end, the pattern between all these fantasies is pretty clear to see. That my "suicide" is carried out by someone, or something else, so I don't have to trouble myself with getting past my own myriad weaknesses. Expecting something else having to lug my ass to the finish line, really is so typical of me. Can't be bothered to muster the internal fortitude to do it myself, so I'll let something else do it for me. Weakling right up until the end.

The final horror, the final nightmare for me to consider, besides eternity in a black void, or repeating this life over again, is that I'll never commit suicide. Not because I "secretly" don't want to, or some such other horse shit. But that my fear will always keep me meekly slithering along, soaking up the body blows of life until I just can't anymore. Probably as I wheeze my last breath away as a decrepit old man covered in wounds both internal and external that could've all been avoided had I just….just….oh well, too late now (cut to flat lining heart monitor). I guess Yamazaki was right after all. At least Satou tried to kill himself though, which is more that can be said of me.

I know it's a common sentiment around here, but I'm just tired. The kind of tired that no amount of sleep can fix. The kind of tired that's been deep in my bones since the day I was born. The kind of tired that drove me to where I am right now. There's nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one worth the trouble of knowing. At the end of the day, I'm just allergic to being alive. As a result, I try to sleep it off as much as I can. Not that it helps since one always has to wake up in the end, despite desperately hoping for the opposite to occur. I just want it to end man, but the survival instinct combined with the fear of the unknown is a bitch to get past. Nothing I have to say is worth uttering to anyone. I'm hopeless. I guess I'll have a nap now.

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7b4db0 No.7280

>>7278

(cont)

>>6318

>Every day is the exact same thing; eat, sleep, listen to the same tunes, play the same games and staring at the same ceiling. The only thing I enjoy these days is sleeping, waking up fucking sucks as its back to same tired routine and feeling more exhausted then I did before falling asleep. video games just remind me how shit I am at everything, my lack of hobbies and motivation to learn new ones a constant reminder of my total lack of meaningful skills.

>I don't have the will or strength to "fix" myself and even if I did, whats left of life to enjoy?

You said it, mayne. My life in a nutshell. Curled up in my bed, in the middle of the night, just weeping at the awfulness of it all. As an aside, I find myself crying a lot more than I used to these days. Then again, I guess I have a lot of reasons to.

>>6365

>I never understood why people say these things in order to cheer others up. Confirming that there are others out there in equally shitty situations isn't exactly a good thing, neither does it change the individual's situation.

Yes, I know what you mean. If anything, it just serves as an exclamation mark to my own hopelessness. It seems everybody is either depressed or anxious these days which, to me, just makes me feel even worse. I'd rather be part of a rare minority since, at least then, there'd be more of a chance of someone helping me, while also not feeling like my pain is as common as dishwater. That can't happen if everyone's drowning in the same sea of shit. I just can't help, but feel like a peon in my suffering. "Oh, you're in pain? Well fuck you, so am I. Wanna swap stories 'buddy'?" In the end, no one cares. It's a shitty world and we're all languishing in it. What I'm going through just being lost in the cacophonous torment of it all, my miseries being less than a mound of dirt in the end.

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