/hikki/ - Hikikomori

>>5930

>Exercising every day at least a little is good for you as well.

What kind of exercises do you do in your room anon? I do push ups sit ups leg kicks and sometimes i will leave my room and go for a night walk.

>>5931

Mostly all kinds of cardio. Moving and jumping around hyperactively. Dancing around like an idiot is fun as well. Moving a lot is fun and gets rid of a lot of stress, so I really recommend that. That's the advantage of being alone, you can do every dumb thing imaginable and look as stupid as you want to and no one will ever know. You can do whatever you want, while you can't do that in public. Not being able to move however I want in public is something that actually causes me stress as well, I realized. Being alone, I can do anything. How great is that? Also, I like squats. Some sit-ups and crunches as well. Other than that, I don't even have a method, I just move fast and spend energy.

>>5937

>I've heard that snacking throughout the day on things like vegetables/fruit/nuts as opposed to eating a few large meals is better for one's metabolism

Doesn't sound all that natural, since our bodies are made to be able to endure a certain amount of scarcity. I only eat once a day. Not sure if it actually matters, but what people say certainly doesn't matter to me, since there are many people saying whatever you may want to confirm, so it's kinda irrelevant unless you have the skills to verify that yourself, but I'm no biologist, so I can't do that. Not all that concerned, though, since I really doubt that the body is all that specific. I trained my body to do this, so at this point even following my hunger still leads to one meal a day anyway.

I wasn't like this in the past, though. This is just what I became. Nowadays I just want to eat dead animals and plants, and eggs. Not having to eat would be great since living would be much closer to free, things wouldn't have to die in order for me to survive, and I would have even more time. It would be pretty fantastic, though not having to sleep would possibly be even better just because of how long it takes. Not needing anything would be the ideal, of course.

I'm so miserable and lonely that I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I've been a hikikomori for almost four years and I still didn't figure out which path should I follow in this harsh joke so called life. I think to determine something after being a shut in for so long you've to be really strong and powerful but I'm too weak and lazy to make anything, last year I thought I will be happy when I droop out of highschool but it was just my fantasy it seems I officially dropped out of highschool three months ago and I was really cheered up for a while but eventually I lost my charm again.

I live a terribly lonely existent no friends, family are living in the same apartment as me but I don't recall a time when they actually sat and talked to eachother seriously. I'm in my room all the time watching Anime and wandering around breaking things apart but no one dears to care anyway.

3 years ago I had this relationship with a girl online and she was really nice to me at the beginning I won't deny it I loved her so much, I loved walking up everyday to talk to her and wait for her to finish school and go online, I was still a shut in and didn't go to school we played a MMO together and it was such a nice time tbh I kinda felt peaceful with her she was the very first person that I sent my picture to without any regret or anxiety. One day she didn't log in to the game and deleted all her social media accounts I never saw her again ever since that day, Yesterday though I decided to create a facebook account and search for her and I was very shocked when I found her account, in fact I cried but I realized that it's all a waste of time anyway because she has alot of friends, a bf and she's about to go to college soon. I wonder if she still remembers me though.

Actually I don't know what I want to do anymore I'm kinda lost and nothing makes me happy at all. Just thinking that I'm still in my room while everyone else is progressing in life is depressing as shit. My thoughts are getting overwhelming lately and It's like I'm living in hypothetical déjà vu. Suddenly it gets very quiet as if I'm dying and I remember things from my past but they aren't very clear. I'm getting weird I really need to die.

>>5996

You seem to see women as a little too important and sacred, blaming yourself too much when failure should be the expected outcome when dealing with them. Well, you just have to realize that 3DPD women are boring and shitty and you will never feel bad about this again. I got over that quite a while ago. I think most people here did. Haven't felt anything for women in 7 or 8 years. Maybe because my worldview changed and I got the Disney way of looking at women out of my head and adopted a more practical and historical view Other than reproduction, women have no actual purpose. They only care about resources, reproduction (they don't really care who it is as long as the man can be effectively worked to death like an animal, not that the children even have to the his, of course), and attention. Everything good about the world, women have no appreciation for, or hate. Destroyers of civilization, in fact. That's why everything goes to hell as soon as men take their chains off, every single time. They annoy me a lot as well. Nothing value of say, and their voices give me headaches. I don't want anything to do with women. I'll be a wizard in a few years.

Now I can finally use this image that I saved just for this occasion. Lets see if I regret it.

>>6003

You're absolutely right anon they've no actual reason to be on this earth except for reproduction and produce other generations to continue the circle of suffering. I've recognized my mistakes and all my flaws. I used to obey for women they controlled me in middle school but the outcome was always the same every single one of them thought that she's a perfect tiny little cute god who deserved to be worshiped for nothing of value but a stinky hole in between their thighs. I stopped desiring women years ago this online relationship was really effective to the point where I despised all of them. however. I'm still weak and unable to be happy not because I don't have a female in my life I actually don't know why I feel empty as if I've been living for decades and the new generations have nothing to do with me. even when I'm trying to watch hentai I don't get excited and erected like in the past I lost interest in porn and as soon as I get an erection I lose it in seconds.

And about your picture he's right about women. Even me tried to be a cute boy but I realized that sex isn't an option for me so I lost interest and stopped taking care of myself.

>>6013

Philosophy, art, technology, science. All dominated by men, and always will be. Women only have very superficial appreciation for things, at best, generally, and even exceptional women are still nowhere even slightly near an exceptional man, so they can never become more than a decent teacher a lot of the time, really. Being rational in general is a male thing. Their intelligence itself tends to be around the average. They are physically inferior to men (and so are their brains), can't control their emotions unless they are weaponizing them, and are limited in skill as well. You can look at all hobbies, whether they are physical or mental, men are the best at it, every time, even trannies are better than them, but still suck compared to healthy men, because they are trying to be women. Women can't innovate either, and never seem to have original or independent ideas, because of their conformist nature. Inventors have always been men.

Women are so limited that you will probably never even see one here, because they just go along with everything, so they can never fail (or really succeed, since they will always be mediocre, for the most part), and they are barely on any board anywhere since they have nothing to discuss and can't handle any level of discussion beyond what you'd find on Facebook. Even things that women do well, they do it because it's expected from them, and as time moves forward, they do it less and less, because they have no social obligations anymore, and idiot men want them regardless. Women are for reproduction, and that is so important in natural selection that there was no need for them to develop anything else. The women tend to always survive, no matter how average, or even bad they are. They can also repeatedly betray their own civilizations and side with enemy barbarians (as they did in the past, and as they do now), and men can't do shit about it in a society that wants to survive, because getting rid of all the women is suicide. At the same time, if a lot of men die, a society tends to live on, so nature has always experimented on us a lot more than on women.

Because of realizations like these, and just observing them in general (they are half of humanity, so of course I had a lot of real information that backed all this up, my whole life), women repulse me on many levels. They are way too boring and evil for what their qualities are. Reproduction is a destructive act as well, in our world, so even that is bad as far as I'm concerned. It never ceases to amaze me just how little thought people give to the act of creating new lives. Women specifically aren't even capable of understanding the consequences of the shit that they do, a lot of the time. They are really just dumb animals, trying to get what they want, and suck the life out of men, the majority of the time. Most men may be shit, but at least many of us can be exceptions, since we aren't nearly as standardized, and aren't made for just one purpose. In fact, bad men tend to be a lot more obsessed with women than good men, and I don't think anyone could deny that. Being depressed because of a woman just comes from a lack of understanding of their actual nature. Even if you want a woman, just keep your emotions out of this, and especially don't let rejection affect you even slightly. Women will always try to use your emotions against you, so just stop having feelings for them. The guys that I want nothing to do with, that get all the bitches but have no real value in life beyond that, they know exactly what they are doing. Follow their advice.

Feeling the need to post this so I can maybe prevent suicides. I suppose my general advice if you're suicidal or depressed, whether it's because of issues related to romantic bullshit or has nothing to do with it at all, is that you should find value in your own life, and in things that you like and/or embody, that are eternal and can never be lost. If someone or something else is your only reason to exist, then you will always be way too emotionally vulnerable, unless you change that. I guess that would be my advice, along with not treating women like these saintly beings that are perfect, and the source of all purpose in life, because it's quite the opposite, and women are actually considerably less likely to find meaning in life than men are, so they are less likely to be able to do this at all, and will generally they take the easy way out and pretend that following biology like animals has any inherent value. Ideally, what you want to be is someone that could lose absolutely everything external and still survive, and still manage to find a way to enjoy existence. If you do that, you can get rid of most of your suffering.

That's my relationship and life advice to men, that could maybe even apply to very few women, and that probably has zero value to anyone except myself, because I will be a wizard in no time and I don't want anything to do with that. Maybe I will summon a 2D ♂succubus when I'm 30. No women for me, though. I purged that impulse from my brain pretty damn long ago.

But the main point is that I really wish I could help people achieve what Zen Buddhists call satori, which is essentially realizing the nature of your own existence and freeing yourself from the limitations of the world. The first step towards enlightenment. But apparently I haven't figured out how to save other people quite yet, and only being able to help myself doesn't feel like it's enough. I guess not being able to share my progress is a huge failure on my part. Maybe I just need more knowledge, or my ability to communicate is absolutely hopeless. Maybe people just have to be prepared for it, and it will happen naturally later on when they're ready.

Studying how they implemented koan might help, since I did everything accidentally, from scratch, just thinking about Pre-Socratic ideas about the nature of existence, trying to find truth in all of them, and Plato's ideas, death and the nature of being, and knowing a little bit about many traditions. All this while absolutely isolated, and essentially cornered and feeling like I couldn't survive in reality, in a sequence of multiple breakdowns, but also finally seeing the patterns and the sense in reality. I can clearly see the moment where the change began, in my mind, and then it grew more and more as time went by, and the isolation just accelerated the process. Regardless, I think hikikomoris are more likely to achieve this, since isolation and being backed into a corner mentally and in life in general, are things that facilitate this sort of transformation, or metanoia (the Jungian sense and the "religious" sense, both). I just see a lot of potential there. A bunch of people living like hermits, that seem to have a lot more potential for spiritual and mental development than normal people. Not trying to do something with that potential would be a huge waste.

>>6025

>Not trying to do something with that potential would be a huge waste.

I don't care, I'm a nihilist.

You / we are loosers in the eyes of society, and that's it. We're not gonna do any spiritual revolution. Our personalities are shit regardless of the social system we're in.

We have no motivation, no objective goals, we're emotionally fucked up, we're useless and our purpose is waiting to die rotting in our rooms.

Waifuism is escapism developed to a laughable extreme.

You think you're smart and that you're getting enlightenment, but you're simply delusional. You'll be a wizard in no time? That's weird, since you sound like a 20 year old. If you're near 30 you should have got through this delusional phase.

>>6031

>I don't care, I'm a nihilist.

Exactly this potential is useless if the progress will always be pointless in the eyes of society. If you made any spiritual progress then maybe it will help you cope with life for a little bit of time but it will always be another form of escapism from your demons. you pretend to be enlightened and intellectual to feel better about yourself and that you're beyond the normal minds but in reality you're no more than an unmotivated zombie living in the corner of your room.

>Our personalities are shit regardless of the social system we're in.

This, regardless of the fucked up world we would've been the same even if the world was a heaven. We're extremely shy, have sever social anxiety and unable to interact normally. the problem is laying within us not the world at this point. ( Yeah I know the world is boring and we've no interest to participate in the normal activities but that's not what I meant by (the problem is us not the world)

>You think you're smart and that you're getting enlightenment, but you're simply delusional. You'll be a wizard in no time? That's weird, since you sound like a 20 year old. If you're near 30 you should have got through this delusional phase.

I agree. he has a despise for women ( I agree to some extent they're boring and not as intelligent as males).

He sounds like he's still not burnt out or depressed enough yet to not care about anything along with his spiritual bullshit.

>>5942

>. Dancing around like an idiot is fun as well. Moving a lot is fun and gets rid of a lot of stress, so I really recommend that.

I used to do that all the time back when i lived with my parents.

>That's the advantage of being alone, you can do every dumb thing imaginable and look as stupid as you want to and no one will ever know. You can do whatever you want, while you can't do that in public.

That's true one thing i love about being a hikikomori is that i am completely alone and i can completely be myself nobody is around to judge me or anything.

>I realized. Being alone, I can do anything. How great is that? Also, I like squats. Some sit-ups and crunches as well. Other than that, I don't even have a method, I just move fast and spend energy.

Interesting i should probably try some of that stuff out sometime.

>>6031

Well, my enormously autistic brain resulted in a mind that can never stop, especially when isolated. I was able to rebuild myself at least as someone that can survive no matter what, taking advantage of the fact that my mind refuses to stop thinking, and of contact with ancient ideas. I just wish I could make other people in a similar position stop suffering so much so I don't have to see as many suicides all over the place anymore. Maybe avoiding the internet entirely and being alone forever would be better, but I would rather not become even more pessimistic. Then again, the patterns seem to indicate that being as pessimistic as possible is the correct attitude to have. At the same time, if I give up and stop caring about anyone at all, and completely stop communicating, there will be no going back. I will eventually lose any ability to connect that I still have. Just one step forward from my current position and I will be alone forever and completely disconnected from other people. I'm trying to prevent that, but it just seems to become more likely by the day.

>>6032

>He sounds like he's still not burnt out or depressed enough

That's what I was like before. I think I first considered suicide when I was 5 or 6, so misery is nothing new in my life. I just learned to manage it pretty well and keep it from killing me, for the most part. Trained myself to not feel anything unwillingly. Not that it's easy.

I just don't see the point in going on anymore, the only thing keeping me alive at this point is not wanting to destroy my mother but the thought of just throwing myself out the window grows more and more appealing by the week. Every day is the exact same thing; eat, sleep, listen to the same tunes, play the same games and staring at the same ceiling. The only thing I enjoy these days is sleeping, waking up fucking sucks as its back to same tired routine and feeling more exhausted then I did before falling asleep. video games just remind me how shit I am at everything, my lack of hobbies and motivation to learn new ones a constant reminder of my total lack of meaningful skills.

I don't have the will or strength to "fix" myself and even if I did, whats left of life to enjoy? Mine is supposedly meant to be starting yet it feels like I've experienced all it has to offer me. I will forever be an outcast, and normals can tell instantly when someone is different or off and make sure they are well ostracized from the pack. I have no desire for relationships, feminism has forever tainted the majority of women into entitled children possessed in an adult body who have no idea how easy they have it. There is no help or escape but to keep digging into escapism until it doesn't work.

Sorry if this all comes across as really edgy but I just don't know anymore.

>>6318

>I just don't see the point in going on anymore, the only thing keeping me alive at this point is not wanting to destroy my mother

Basically the only thing stopping me from killing my pathetic self is my family especially my sister. She's still young and I don't want to leave her with the burden of my death. but if I did I'm really sorry for being so selfish life it too hard once you fall deep down the rabbit hole.

>Every day is the exact same thing; eat, sleep, listen to the same tunes, play the same games and staring at the same ceiling.

Exactly the same anon, I repeat the same shit everyday and I lose track of time most of the days. Sometimes I even keep being awake for four days in a row and forget to eat anything. I would keep dancing with my suicidal thoughts and no body knows a shit.

>The only thing I enjoy these days is sleeping, waking up fucking sucks as its back to same tired routine and feeling more exhausted then I did before falling asleep.

I can't even comprehend how you do that without any sleep medication. insomnia is fucking me up these days and I have to take sleep medication to help me fall asleep. But even then my dreams are nothing but horrible nightmares so staying awake is better for me.

>video games just remind me how shit I am at everything, my lack of hobbies and motivation to learn new ones a constant reminder of my total lack of meaningful skills.

I quit video games because I was too stupid and apathetic to play them.

Now I don't have a desire to learn anything or do anything 'useful' I only keep being awake thinking about killing myself.

>I don't have the will or strength to "fix" myself and even if I did, whats left of life to enjoy?

That hits close to home anon, you are not alone. I don't have any intention to undone the damage either. I just want to be left alone even though I barely able to handle myself and I need constant distraction from my mind.I still prefer to be left alone or at least talk to people like you that helps a bit. I'm sorry for your situation anon I thought by letting you know that there are people like you out there you might feel better.

>>6320

>I can't even comprehend how you do that without any sleep medication

A blessing I haven't been hit with insomnia but it takes me hours of tossing and turning before I finally conk out.

>I quit video games because I was too stupid and apathetic to play them.

I still force myself to play them because if I didn't I'd have nothing left, my interests are extremely limited and the mix of anhedonia and lack of motivation to learn new ones leads to too much downtime which leads to a constant assault of suicidal urges.

>I don't have any intention to undone the damage either.

To me, it just isn't worth the stress, humiliation and anxiety to be always seen as inferior. There is far too much to fix for such little payoff which is to rejoin society and be a good thoughtless worker drone. I would rather just lay down and die but I'm still needed by someone.

>I'm sorry for your situation anon I thought by letting you know that there are people like you out there you might feel better.

Its a mix feel honestly, on one hand its nice to know you aren't completely alone, on the other its still other people suffering with no way out. Thanks for replying though anon, I genuinely appreciate it.

>>6320

>you are not alone

>I thought by letting you know that there are people like you out there you might feel better.

I never understood why people say these things in order to cheer others up. Confirming that there are others out there in equally shitty situations isn't exactly a good thing, neither does it change the individual's situation. If anything it usually annoys me when people say these things to me, but >>6364 clearly appreciated it and it's a fairly common thing people say, so I'm probably the odd one out here. Apologies if I came across as rude, that's not my intention

On topic: At this point I'm just waiting and thinking for a good way to go out. I had everything planned out before I moved, but that plan no longer works unfortunately. I wish there were better means for suicide that don't involve buying stuff or leaving the house.

>>6365

>I never understood why people say these things in order to cheer others up. Confirming that there are others out there in equally shitty situations isn't exactly a good thing, neither does it change the individual's situation

Tbh, you make sense but Its a usual thing to feel better when you realize that you are not alone in your situation and there are people out there who've it like you or even worse.

(Maybe, you're annoyed at those who tell you that you don't have it as worse as an African child so you should cheer up) it's not the same here. you just appreciate that there's someone out there who's about to kill himself too so you feel less lonely. but that of course doesn't change the individual's situation and I appreciate your point 'cause to me it makes alot of sense.

>. I wish there were better means for suicide that don't involve buying stuff or leaving the house.

I always wished for that too. but apparently there's only hanging that doesn't require alot of preparations like other method. You just have to get a solid rope and find a good place to hang yourself.

I usually would never consider posting in a thread like this, I'm kind of conservative-ish/moralfagish and don't take the subject of death lightly. But the subject of suicide is really appealing in light of the continuous bread and circus maze bullshit everyday, there comes a time when something seemingly small irritates you enough that you just say fuck it. This world in reality is nothing but an illusion, people will debate this on and on but I really don't see an alternative to this viewpoint. (They ALL admit this implicitly, all religions etc, yet it's always the idea that somehow 'leaving' is never an option i.e dying and that to always struggle in this shit jew world as the right and de facto decision. polite society bans all discussion of it) And neither do I see an alternative to suicide as a way to escape right now. This website is owned by the Government (research this lead and you will find proof, guaranteed if you're interested) so you guys should be careful what you say here, they love to data-mine. These people are dangerous. I think you guys are probably scared of getting hurt, no? And are thinking of the most harm-free way of doing the job? It's extremely easy for someone to physically kill themselves yet psychologically impossible for them to do it, and extremely hard for some to physically get the conditions to do it and psychologically easy at the same time. The will to kill is there, but there's no way. Prisoners think like this, people under surveillance in Totalitarian shitholes too, I'm the latter. And most of you are too, probably, without thinking it just by posting here etc. The control is hidden, but it is there. I do like you guys and this board, I don't think there is anywhere else on the Internet that is as free as this board largely speaking. Everywhere else has strict rules and dogma and has banned me if I step out of their line. I basically have nowhere else on the Internet to really go to. I'm just too different to all these people. I'm like an alien compared to them in truth, so you have to lie just so they think you're in their club and do all the cool and right things that they do. Damn this post is disorganized as fuck now that I'm looking at it's structure tbh. Anyway, you have to have some self-worth, a stable identity and a sense of self to do a suicide, I don't really think I have those. My material body has it's own interests separate from mine like eating and fapping and other perverted shit so it would never let me kill myself unless I had a strong enough will-power at the right time. I think research into suicide and what some call suicide planning is the best bet for me honestly. I genuinely think I'm not related to these other so-called fellow humans, they're all fucking evil. It's all Evil vs Evil or Spy vs Spy in the real world, there are no real heroes, truly. Everything innocent can possibly be raped, every hope possibly destroyed. What's the point in it all. My life is basically trash, I need to get the fuck out of this hellhole sooner or later, or they will eventually try to fuck me up again like they've done in the past continuously. Hey, I guess I can at least I can do more risky shit in this suicidal mood though for now, right? Life Is boring, death could possibly be much more exciting. The question is, are you willing to take that next step?

I think this was his last posting. I guess I found it

Now what was his name again? John or James IIRC

I want to get off my chest why I am against rule 4. I'm not very good at articulating my thoughts or arguments but I'll give it a shot anyways. in hindsight it turned out good enough

Firstly, if the rule was altered to "Do not encourage or discourage suicide" I'd be perfectly fine with it. Encouraging someone to kill themselves under most circumstances makes you an asshole, discouraging it through the wrong methods or reason is selfish.

If you discourage someone based on emotions because you personally don't want to feel sad and mourn their death you are selfish. If you guilt them into not doing it because "think of your sister/parents/me/whoever else" you're an asshole for abusing guilt. There are exceptions to this, for example having children that still need to be taken care of, that's 100% the person's responsibility. Encouraging suicide if the person that wants to kill themselves is contemplating doing it based on emotional impulse just makes you an asshole.

Which brings me to the next point. Committing suicide based on an emotional impulse or something bad that happened to you recently is pretty fucking stupid too. Should this be discouraged? Sure, but not through the methods or reasons I described earlier. Don't outright tell them they shouldn't do it or guilt them into not doing it. Question whether they really wish to die, whether the reasons are good reasons, whether they would regret it if they could. Talk rationally to the person about how they feel or what happened and try to understand that. Give your opinions on how you feel about the whole thing and what you would do in their shoes. I find this method is a much better one in the long run because you try to make the individual consider things they otherwise wouldn't because of the emotions they might be feeling, so the next time they may feel the same way they could be able to see things differently and as a result talk themselves out of it using rational thought. Just to clarify I treat this method of discouraging differently than outright "discouraging suicide" because you never tell them not to do it and instead walk them through a rational thought process.

What about those people like myself who have thought very long and hard, when they weren't under emotional tension and when things were going relatively well in their lives, concluded that they wish to commit suicide anyways? If someone truly believes life has nothing left to offer them, they experienced the things they want to experience and decided they now wished to die based on lots of contemplation, what gives anyone the right to tell them they shouldn't do it? This is also partially why I support the idea of legal assisted suicide for everyone if they can prove they thought rationally about it. Switzerland has an assisted suicide program that is incredibly difficult to get into and takes a long time to process, but it's only for those with terminal illnesses to offer them a dignified death, which I think is a great first step.

>>6823 (cont)

The only option most people have are conventional ways of suicide, like jumping off a tall building, jumping in front of a truck on the highway, hanging, overdosing, even drinking bleach. None of these are guaranteed death, and if they are some of them can take a long time with tons of agonizing pain to boot. On top of that if you have seen gore videos of any capacity, which most of you should have by now based on being on an image board, you know the end result of jumping off a building or in front of a vehicle isn't pretty. The real crime here is presenting a mangled bloody corpse to your family to bury instead of an intact dignified one, or worse: a brain damaged mess that needs his diaper changed every hour. If suicide fails, you could become crippled for life and will probably be even more miserable. Say you hang yourself but you get discovered and revived. If you were out long enough you could very well sustain permanent brain damage. Based on that I believe it's beneficial to talk about methods of suicide to avoid the worst possible outcomes, and I think it's a particularly interesting problem to solve for us hikkis that are too anxious to even leave the house to commit suicide or get the the items they need.

As far as encouraging suicide goes, I believe the only time it is acceptable is when all of the above have been discussed, but the individual is still too afraid to commit to their decision to end their life and you offer a means to provide some courage.

In conclusion: I'm against encouraging or discouraging suicide directly and instead support understanding the why and give input based on your own opinion and what you would do.

I'm for discussing methods of suicide, which are best, which are the most successful, which are the lowest risk, and which may be applicable to a hikki lifestyle.

Lastly I want to acknowledge those of you here that have been talked out of suicide before. I'm aware some of the things I say could be interpreted as insensitive but that is not my intention. I mean no disrespect. In the end I'm in the same boat as you.

Please criticize, argue, agree or bully. I'm interested in other anons' opinions.

>>6831

>Have you ever lurked >>>/suicide/?

Nope, going to check it out.

>the most generally-agreed-upon successful method would be a gun

That would be my method of choice, though not with a full length shotgun. Unfortunately I don't live in freedom land, so that's not an option.

supposedly pic related is an almost fool proof method as well.

I'm interested in methods specifically for hikkis that can't leave the house to buy materials or order online, it seems like an interesting problem to solve.

I wish i could travel to Japan go into aokigahara forest and end my life been thinking about it recently and it just seems peaceful to be honest.

Same old story, but I've also thought about killing myself, practically every day for many, many years now. Funny how some people get up and think about the weather or what they're going to have to eat whereas, with me, I just think about how much I want to rush headlong into the arms of the reaper, whispering in that dry ancient ear, "Here, I am. Here, I am. Now please, put a fucking end to it.". More than just that though, all I can really think about in the many moments of excruciating restlessness & pain that slowly, painfully, and relentlessly drag themselves throughout all the days of my life, is what in fucking hell is it gonna take for me to finally kill myself. I know about DNMs (darknet markets), and I know how to use them. I could get some Nembutal or Fentanyl, or hell, maybe even a fucking shotgun without too much hassle whatsoever. But I won't. I could very easily just put my head down on the active railroad tracks not, but a quick stroll away from here and patiently wait for a train to flatten my head to mush. But I won't. I could also slash my wrists, followed by peacefully bleeding out in a warm bath, and let that be that. But I won't. And why, you may ask? Because I'm afraid. That's it. That's ultimately all that's holding me back. I'm just a cowering sack of shit who's too afraid of the dark. Of being alone in an endless void, screaming into an infinite blackness forever. The act of dying is bad enough, but the terrifying potential of the unknown, when I really sit there and think about it and what form it may take, fills me with dread and paralyzes me completely. Whether it was pills, or a gun, or a train, or even a common razor, there would always be that moment where one stands at the precipice between life and death (pills in hand ready to be swallowed, loaded gun in mouth with finger on the trigger, train barreling down the tracks towards you etc.) and that precipice yawns in front of me like the Marianas Trench. So much so that I recoil, like the ego, DNA based biological programming, and just good old fashioned cowardice want me to. Only to endure more of the same. To suffer & suffer & suffer only to inevitably die someday anyway. I don't want to suffer anymore. It doesn't make any sense to wait for, let alone to fear, something that's going to happen whether my retarded reptilian brain wants it to or not. The thought of the jagged, tortuous nature of life pricking and pulling at my flesh for years more to come like the spiky, rust covered maul of a mace being slowly and carefully dragged over my decayed self rending what happens to be left of me with each new pass, with the pain only exceeding, with my body and mind continuing to disintegrate adding to the already present agony, of knowing that it's all a prison of my own making and that the exit is right in front of me if only I had the strength to step through and let go of my fear.

I suppose the simple answer is to all the crap I just vomited out, is to just get drunk beforehand, or to otherwise inebriate myself in preparation for the act, thereby dulling the survival instinct/fear response enough so I can carry on with ending my life. And that might work for someone else, someone I desperately wish I could be, but, in the end, I just see that as shifting the precipice post, as it were. Instead of the precipice post being your finger on the trigger, it's the bottle of whiskey, or whatever, in your hand. It's the implicit knowledge that "This is it. This is how it ends. No turning back after this." and I'd be faced with the same infuriating predicament. One of the only grim hopes I have is that a complete & total catastrophe (like losing my parents, for instance) might tip the odds just enough in my favor to finally end it. I really don't want to have to experience that living nightmare, but I just don't know what else it'd take. I've also often envisioned that, if I had a gun, on how I could sit with it in my mouth unloaded (at first) and pull the trigger over and over again just so I can build up the muscle action. Eventually I could put one bullet in just to get used to the idea of it being loaded and then go from there. I've always hoped that might be the ticket for me, but I'm probably kidding myself. Maybe it'll take a combination of everything I've mentioned. I don't know.