/random/ - random

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Groucho Marx

"honk honk"

Harpo Marx

Captain Spaulding, talking about his latest trip to Africa:

'We took some pictures of the native girls but they weren't developed.

But we're going back again in a couple of weeks !'

Groucho Marx in Animal Crackers (movie)

GROUCHO:"You know, I'd buy you a parachute if I knew it wouldn't open."

CHICO:"Haha you're crazy, I got a pair of shoes."

Groucho/Chico in Animal Crackers (movie)

Look at the insane things the merchants believe. The merchants believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.

Greg Giraldo

I don’t litter. I don’t throw garbage in the street. Not because I care about the Earth. But I’m afraid I’m going to be walking through the park drinking a soda and when I’m done, I just throw it over my shoulder, it’ll fly over a bush and land on some dead white woman’s head with my fingerprints on the can. Now I’m the Pepsi-Cola Rapist because I’m lazy.

Patrice Oneal

It takes forever to get a pilot's license, but it only takes a couple of minutes to steal a pilot's jacket and hat.

norm macdonald?

My girlfriend and I have a deal where we have one celebrity that we can sleep with and it's not considered cheating. Mine is that woman who plays Madea.

Norm

A new study shows that most men can identify a gay man by his face alone.

It's the face that's buried in another man's asshole.

norm

College freshman Scott Damerow set a new world record by using his head to bust 142 eggs and he now officially holds a place in the Guinness Book of Fucking Retards.

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If you were a Russian prostitute on a date with serial killer Andrei Chikatilo aka. The Rostov Ripper and he couldn't achieve an erection... that was not your lucky day.

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You know my clothes make me look slimmer. But they did not fool that flight of stairs that collapsed under my astonishing new girth.

-

I loved Liberace but with all due respect, man, if you kicked that guy in the ass a hundred cocks would fall out.

-

A good name for a dog is 'Syndrome'. Then when he tries to attack someone you can yell "Down Syndrome!"

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In my opinion if we are going to fight the war on terror, a good place to start would be our country's haunted houses.

Norm

>>2851

lmao love me some norm

>>2838

St. Patrice

>>2862

>>2860

kinison. I remember where I was when I heard he died.

>>2860

>>2862

>>2865

>>2865

>>2870

Stern sucks dick

>>2858

>>2883

Forgot link

What do you call a cow in a tornado?

...an udder disaster

What do you call a cow with no legs?

ground beef!

>Joke

Multiculturalism

>>2921

9/11 was a national tragedy

>>2962

knock knock

>>3009

who is there?

>>3020

nine eleven

>>3021

nine eleven who?

>>3022

you said you'ld never forget

>>3028

don't get cornona virus

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

- Steven Wright (SW)

I didn't know it then, but looking back, in hindsight, I realize that when I was younger I could see into the future. Now I'm getting all my premonitions as flashbacks!

- Steven Wright

He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not right now."

- Steven Wright

Four years ago... No, it was yesterday.

- Steven Wright

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

- Steven Wright

My girlfriend's so intense... She woke me up the other night and asked, "If you could tell exactly when and how you were going to die, would you want to know?" I said, "Heck no, why?" "Doesn't matter, just go back back to sleep..."

- Steven Wright

When I was eight, I played Little League. I was on first; I stole third; I went straight across. Earlier that week, I learned that the shortest distance between two points was a direct line. I took advantage of that knowledge.

- Steven Wright

I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.

When I was younger, my mother told me, "Mitch, some day you're going to have to move out of the house and get a job." Well, today is the day, that's why I'm here with you people.

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something.

You know when it comes to racism, people say: " I don't care if they're black, white, purple or green"… Ooh hold on now: Purple or Green? You gotta draw the line somewhere! To hell with purple people! - Unless they're suffocating - then help'em.

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole." "When are you leaving?" "As soon as I regain my equilibrium!"

I have a new CD; it's in stores, and when you have a CD in stores, you have to do in-store appearances, and if nobody shows up, I just pretend like I'm shopping. That's how I shop; I sit behind a table with a pen.

Some people think I'm high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I'm high, I don't wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don't know. That does not sound comfortable. Like, when you're high, and a joke doesn't work, it's extra scary. It's like,"Whoa, what the hell happened there? I am retreating within myself. Why have all these people gathered? And why am I elevated? Why am I not facing the same way as everyone else? And what is this electric stick in my hand?"

(to audience) I like the way this is situated here. It seems like you guys were chasing me, closing in, and then said "fuck it...let's sit down".

I was walking down the street the other day when this guy asked if I wanted a frozen banana...I said 'no' but then thought I might want a regular banana later, so...yeah.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he doesn't even know it...and he's always on time.

They say Flintstones vitamins are chewable. All vitamins are chewable, it's just that they taste shitty. I'm glad they made Flintstones vitamins because I used to watch The Flintstones and go, "Man I bet you if I ate that dude, I would be healthy."

You know that word "lull"? That's four letters, three of them are L's, fuck! That's too many L's in one word! The word lull is one letter away from... [gets handed a drink] oh shit. That'll fuck up a joke!

I like when they bring a comedian on stage, they always tell you what else they do. But fuck, this is enough, isn't it? He's here tonight performing, because that is his job! But no, it's gotta be, "He laid bricks in Philadelphia. And he repaired a car in Oklahoma. He has an umbrella store in Philadelphia. That's the only city that comes to mind right now. Philadelphia, 'cause you can say "Philly" and the people from Philadelphia will not get mad. Like if you say "Frisco," San Francisco people say, "Fuck off!" But if you say "Philly" they say, "Alright!" Because I don't always have time to say "Philadelphia." Sometimes I just need that word to be two syllables. Phil-a-del-phi-a. Fuck, five! Your town would be called Philly too if it had five syllables!

I got a king sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable. "Oh, you're a king, you say? Well you won't believe what I have in store for you! It's to your exact specifications! I believe I can set up your old lady, too!"

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread. Ducks love bread, but they can't buy any. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. (in addition to and along with this duck line- a bit from the Letterman show)--

If I worked at a store and a duck came in I would like just give him some bread "sure man no problem tell your friends"--- but I would not give him Pepperidge Farm bread....You know that stuff right? you open it and it still ain't open. That is why I do not buy it. Cause I do not need another step, between me and toast."

Live from Chicago[edit]

I got a wallet, it's a Trifold... that shit is stacked! It's orange in color, in case I want to buy a deer

If I bought a company that made hot dog buns, on Day 1 we would add two buns to every package... Day 2, work on deliciousness.