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/pen/ - A Place to Create and Critique

Writing and reviewing ink pens and political literature

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File: 1424538151361.pdf (1.38 MB,Industrialized Art and the….pdf)

9ddcaf No.148

This is my first essay, or at least the first one I ever bothered to finish and upload.
It is pretty short, but I believe it's summing up the essence of its subject quite well, even if I preferred to not point any fingers towards specific groups in it, if you get what I mean.
Please, do tell me what you think of it how it/I can be improved.
____________________________
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9ddcaf No.152

>>148
I disagree with one or two finer points, but on the whole the message is agreeable, if verbose and lacking justification.
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9ddcaf No.153

>>152
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Regarding the lack of justification: that is an understandable point, however the target group that I would like to interest with my essay already knows most of the details regarding the context I present. What I wanted to achieve was to give the already conservative or conservative-leaning reader both a summary of what he may already know about the world of art and propaganda, and most importantly, a taste of what a new prototype of a conservative mindset regarding art should be. And naturally, I mostly aim to stimulate the emotion of the reader to get my point through.
And on the "verbose" part, well, as a non native-English speaker I wanted to experiment with the language. I'm still trying to find my fitting literary style and so some mistakes and linguistic exaggerations are bound to happen in the process.
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9ddcaf No.154

>>153
I see. In that case, carry on, as I hope to see more in the future. This is very promising work.
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9ddcaf No.157

This is too unstructured, wavering, and unclear. Much of it reads like a rant against predictable enemies, and the arguments aren't developed finely enough. A lot of information is thrown at the reader and they do not function well in terms of individual paragraphs, it all just seems to support a large rant. Your premise and beliefs are not in question, it is the form that matters. Give your essay time and space to relax, devote energies to expanding each individual argument, load them with sources that are cited and beyond the predictable and axiomatic ones: it's the inclusion of these specialized references that give you authority beyond the typical.

Overall, restructure your writing, cause each paragraph to be unified under a substantial idea that utilizes its own individual argument, and divide the force of your message through each of these arguments. While we have a general theme that permeates everything, it is, again, quite unstructured, wandering, and sounds more like a rant than anything. One has to search for what you are arguing against or arguing for, and it isn't as deliberate and clear as it could be.
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9ddcaf No.174

I like the rhythym and enjoyed your thoughts. Well done.
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9ddcaf No.179

>>157
Thanks for your input. I will eventually try and expand each argument and solidify the essay.

>>174
Thank you.
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