/monster/ - The Last Bastion of Romance

The familiar raspy old man voice from the bedroom yells out, "Are you talking to yourself in there? What's going on—?"

"GRAPE! GRAPE!" You run into the bedroom while holding your towel steady, "Okay, so I was minding my own business and there was this lady in the bathroom mirror- Actually wait, ghosts are thing here? Tell me about the ghosts. How the fuck are ghosts even made, man?!"

An elder penguin wearing a purple sash looks up from his Scooby Doo on Zombie Island novella book and twitches his neck in confusion. He then closes his book with a thud and abruptly clears his throat.

"Okay. Imagine living an earnest and well mannered life, but then at the last moment before you die, some asshole asks you what 'Princess Diana and Pink Floyd had in common'."

"…What did they have in common?"

"'The Wall' was their last big hit."

"Heh."

"Yeah, see? Now you're going to hell." Grape-kun explains as he hops up from his memory foam bean bag bed.

"I'm not talking about going to hell, I'm talking about poltergeists."

"Oh right. Uh… The Ghost Stork?"

"…You know what, forget it."

You grab your clothes and get dres— well, you stop, realizing you're sharing the room, and hop into the closet. Then you proceed to get dressed inside there. Never polite to flash your roommate. Unless it's a naked crab walk. Then you're just establishing dominance.

"Hey Linus-" The penguin taps on the closet door, "Any idea what mischievousness we're up to today?"

"Ah right, guess I can do whatever I want today. How about we-"

[] Find a way to ghost-proof your bathroom

[] Find true love

[] Explore the Grim Grove™ mansion and it's inhabitants

[] Go rob a 711

[] Grab breakfast at a demonic malt shop

[] Go fishing in a lake of fire

[X] Grab breakfast at a demonic malt shop>>403406

>>403406

[X] Go rob a 711

>>403406

[X] Go rob a 711

>>403406

[x] Go rob a 7/11

The only answer after getting peeped on by a ghost girl.

>>403406

[X] Go rob a 711

>>403409

>>403410

"We should go rob a 7/11."

"Great," the talking penguin grabs a loaded handgun with his flippers, "Lets assemble the boys."

——————

About an hour later, give or take, you really weren't paying attention.

"We'll be doing the standard four man crew. Linus, you know Roshi Toshi-", Grape-kun points his beak towards a 5'6 Japanese school boy.

"Hey, Roshi."

"Hey, what's good? You got my back, I've got yours, 'Ivo."

The two of you pose together with a flamboyance few understand, but a degree of trust and mutual respect is established.

The penguin then leads you over to a gruff looking man in a cultist robe, his hair messy and greasy. Light reflects off his cheap walmart sunglasses as he observes a fire ant colony attempting to devour a scorpion.

"And this is?"

"Greetings friend, my name is Merlin."

"THE Merlin?"

"No."

"Oh."

Grape-kun taps his gut in pride, "Merlin here comes highly recommended-"

"Of course he does, we're like the only four males in this hellscape."

"I was gonna say the same," Merlin sniffs and scratches himself inappropriately, "I didn't think there were any other men here. I can't tell you how hard it is to maintain a straight conversation with a succubus that doesn't immediately devolve into debauchery and incest."

"Incest?'

"Sexual relations between people with genetic similarity."

"No, I know what incest is, I'm asking in relation to your statement."

"There's none to my knowledge."

"None of what?"

"What are we talking about?"

Grape-kun hands the lot of you semi-automatic weapons and animal crackers.

"Okay, I'll crack the safe in the backroom, Linus, I'll need you to distract the cops when they come. Then Roshi will drive around in a four person sedan he stole from Doppelganger Denny's while Merlin lays down cover fire, we all hop in, and escape."

"Won't the police know it's us considering we're the only males fitting out descriptions in this bayou? Because we're the only males in this bayou."

"Not to fret, new friends-" Merlin pulls out a host of dresses and women's underwear, "We'll 'disguise' ourselves as women."

"You think that'll work with a penguin with us, considering he's the only walking talking penguin in the whole world?"

"It will if we also apply this dark creamer and put on elf ears."

"Why are we disguising ourselves as dark elves?"

"Well, despite only making up 13% of the elf population-

[] Continue with the robbery

[] Back out and do something else

>>403415

[x] Continue with the robbery

STICK TO THE PLAN

>>403415

>[X] Continue with the robbery

This is the only option.

>>403416

#trust the planQ

>>403415

[X] Continue with the robbery

>>403415

[X] Continue with the plan

No brakes on this ride, boyim

[X] attempt to outrun the police with a penguin driving

>>403421

[X] keep going, penguins are surely the driftmasters i expect them to be right? Especially sentient ones

>>403421

[X] attempt to outrun police with a penguin driving

>>403421

Trust saint grape-kun's driving ability. Let the penguin tokyo drift us to freedom.

>>403421

[x] Attempt to outrun the police with a penguin driving

and when that fails, play the bongo drums on the orc officer's boobs as a distraction so our comrads can get away

Continue tomorrow, can't drink tonight.

>>403421

>[X] Attempt to outrun the police with a penguin driving

In the process of getting drunk, will continue in a few hours.

Looks as though Roshi's legs are still near the gas/brakes, meaning Grape-kun will be able to see where he's driving as well as brake/speed up whenever he wants. Because to be honest, this is really the only way a two and a half foot penguin is going to drive a car-

!

The sedan suddenly backs outside the 711's collapsed wall, completely collapsing the building's north half in on itself; you can hear the sound of metal fencing shattering behind you as you back into the neighboring liquor store.

"We should rob this place too."

"Verily, friends." Merlin crushes his zero calorie monster energy drink as if he were crushing it for children with leukemia, "I like my liquor stores like I like my women, insecure and full of alcohol."

And so, the three of you hop out and quickly rob the liquor store. However, upon exiting the liquor store, Merlin is immediately dive tackled by the butchier looking orc cop lady. The crazed cultist looking opium addict digs his thumbs into the orc cop lady's temples and releases them dramatically.

"Abracadabra, you now have alzheimers."

"Nnnn– ah~!"

But the orc lady did not immediately forget where she was nor who she was, she simply began to convulse wildly as if experiencing an orgasm.

"Hmm." Merlin readjusts his sunglasses beneath his robbery mask, "That doesn't normally happen."

"You're a wizard?"

"Apparently more of a jizard."

A goblin lady waving around a nightstick charges Grape-kun, most likely because of his stature, "STOP! IN THE NAME OF THE LAW!"

Merlin throws what appears to be a foam ball while nonchalantly spouting, "Magic Missile."

"Hnnn~!"

Upon contact, the goblin girl does not explode nor seem that bothered by the weightless sphere, but she too, begins to convulse wildly as if approaching unrelenting climax.

"Why does that keep happening? What am I doing wrong?" Merlin sips his zero calorie energy drink before pausing, "In a country of lies, is truth but treason?"

"…We should rob these cops too."

Grape-kun shakes his head with fervor as he hops on the goblin gal's spacious behind, "You’d have to be pretty low to pickpocket a midget."

After the three of you have a good laugh, you get back into the sedan and resume the police chase.

You start to poke the jap wearing the Ronald Mcdonald mask, "Is Roshi still knocked out?"

"Fuck if I know," Grape-kun spouts as he starts to fiddle with the radio, "Where is it?"

"Where is what?"

Grape's flipper pauses as the station finally locks into Deja Vu, "Yes, now we can escape."

"Grape, what are you doing-?"

"HOLD ON TO SOMETHING!"

The sedan begins to tip as Grape-kun expertly drifts around the corner of the town square street, which is a Sleepy-Hollow-like dreamscape of old America, endlessly drifting around the square as the cops screech from behind.

-DEJA VU, I'VE JUST BEEN IN THIS PLACE BEFORE-

There's a ye olde massage parlor surrounded by hellfire and Norwegian dungeon synth, inside are monsters and creatures of unusual size, getting the normal back massages. It appears you picked the wrong day, as there is a 'massage parlor discount day' going on—

—and you're drifting directly into the building.

"GRAPE! GRAAAAAPE!"

"BELIEVE IN ME, AS I BELIEVE IN YOU!"

"I BELIEVE YOU'RE ABOUT TO GET US KILLED!"

"AND I BELIEVE YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT."

The frame freezes on the image of you and your compatriots in crime screaming, flying over a molten lava backwards demon ditch, Sam Eliot begins narration.

"Well, looks like those good ol' boys got themselves into a whole heap of trouble. Like buying dehydrated water, I'm not quite sure what else to add."

-HIGHER ON THE STREET, AND I KNOW IT'S MY TIME TO GO-

"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"ARRRRRGHH!"

"Oh."

As the sedan crashes into the building, Grape manages to tilt the car on it's front end, leaving it's back half suspended halfway into the air. As the car gracefully dodges the innocent monster babes getting back massages, the spinning back-tires ever-so-slightly grazes the exterior of each girl's ass.

As the car smashes through the construction beams and walls, it leaves a trail of destruction and jiggling naked asses in it's wake.

Grape-kun makes a smug face as the lot of you make it, "They don't call me the flash because of how fast I run."

"THE COPS ARE STILL ON OUR TRAIL!"

Grape-kun readjusts the car back into it's stationary position, "Hey Merlin, think you can zap the coppers behind us, or you know, shoot them with the gun? You know, the gun that I gave you?"

"Shoot someone? With a gun? How barbaric," Merlin remarks as he starts to write over the bullets in his gun with a sharpie, "There, that's better. These are magic bullets. They cast a hex of lead poisoning, and a chance of instant death."

"How about you just give their cop cars orgasms instead?"

"Don't mock my sorcery, it's all encompassing and mysterious; why the very concept borders beyond incomprehension for mere mortal beings such as ourselves. Besides, I can cast healing magic too. Watch as I recover our good friend Ronald McDonald back from his dreams of obesity and corporate astroturfing."

"I'd rather you not-"

"HNNNNG!"

!

Roshi immediately nutted the moment Merlin casts his healing hex, enormous and copious amounts of semen splattering the interior windshield.

"Oh. I guess that's all I can do, hmm."

"GODDAMN IT, MERLIN, NOW I CAN'T SEE THE ROAD!" Grape-kun attempts to use fast food napkins stuffed in the passenger side visor to wipe the cum off the window, only managing to make the mess worse.

"I apologize for nothing, perhaps your windshield was preordained by fate to be nutted on this day in this fashion. You shant not tempt fate, less you suffer the consequences."

"YOU CAN'T JUST EXPLAIN AWAY BEING A DIPSHIT BY BRINGING FATE INTO THE PICTURE."

"Sure I can, I just did."

"Nnn.. guys.. what-" Roshi Toshi awakens as he notices the immediate mess in front of him, "How did this shoot through my pants?"

"That's your first question?"

"Well, it's a good one, isn't it?" Roshi removes his McDonalds mask and looks around, "Did we make it?"

"We're still in the middle of a chase, but your semen is blocking my view," Grape-kun throws Roshi some cum napkins.

"I'm sorry, I don't usually cum in my sleep…"

"It happens to the best of us, friend. Why sometimes multiple times a night. I like to call those cluster-"

"You didn't do it voluntarily, our resident opium addict back there casted jizz magic."

"What- magic?"

"Sure, it's real. Let me show you-"

Grape-kun screams with a creeping fury, "NO-!"

!

Roshi immediately busts a second nut all over the windshield again, except this time he was angled slightly since he was looking backwards at you and Merlin. The cum finds it's way upon Grape-kun's person.

"AH FUCKING SICK!" Grape-kun panics as the car begins to swerve.

"Oh right, sorry, I shouldn't let our oriental friend have all the fun, here you go-"

"NO, YOU FUCK-"

And lo, Grape-kun nuts as his as well upon the front interior of the car. However, height differences and angling takes it's toll, and his sperm somehow rockets off the dashboard and the momentum of the car carries it directly onto both you and Merlin's person.

"OH, GODDAMN IT!"

"Well, I wouldn't call this a happy accident. Don't worry friends, I'll fix this with more magic-"

"NO!"

As Merlin staggers to wipe the white goo off his robbery mask, the car garbles on a group of stones, launching his hand upon your person. Which somehow in turn-

"AHH!"

You try your best to stifle it, but the blast happens whether you want it to or not. Every is now covered. Everyone and everything. The worst kind of sedan bukkake.

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"AAAAAAAAARRRRGGHHHHHH!"

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOH!"

Grape-kun panics and begins karate chopping everything in site, making angry penguin noises. Thinking fast, Roshi pulls out his gun and puts several bullets into the windshield, deeming it a necessary sacrifice. The windshield is kicked off, the immediately wind dispersing some of the cum, but a far worse site awaits the four of you up ahead.

"THE ABYSS!" You yell out as the car refuses to slow down before a bottomless black hole.

"So this is how it ends," Merlin takes out the last zero calorie monster without semen on it and cracks it, "It's alright, I have all that I need."

"LINUS!" Grape-kun turns around to look directly at you, "I LOVE YOU, NO HOMO!"

"NO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOMO!"

The car descends into absolute blackness. Your minds collapse in on it-selves, being unable to handle or grasp the madness within, your brains burst and your chests explode, also your toes fire off like rockets for good measure.

Drunken Elder Ones come across your car as it spins around indefinitely in mid-air, cum and money spritzing from it like bottle rocket flares. This leads to the birth of a new elder god, whom eventually destroys the world and consumes reality like cake and crackers.

Have a nice day.

[] Continue

[] Don't

>>403660

Lets keep this shot going. Haven’t laughed this hard in a long time.

>>403660

GODDMANIT MERLIN

[x]New Game Plus(?)

Otherwise, let's keep this ride going and see where it takes us.

>>403660

>We're still in the middle of a chase, but your semen is blocking my view

I can't breathe, please continue

>>403674

Back out of the game and start up Superman 64

!

Your head bangs against something cold and glass-like— almost as if it were a glassy surface. An amorphous solid, as it were, transparent and easy to fog up with heat.

Ah yes, it's a window. A worthy foe.

"Well, howdy there sugar," a young female voice calls to you from your left, "Did y'all have yourself a bad dream?"

It appears as though you're sitting inside a semi-truck, the roar of the engine combined with the spacious passenger seat space somehow put you to sleep. The cushions are velvet, there's also an expensive looking wine glass lodged inside the cheap cup holder. Right, that was a nightmare, it had to had been.

You just need to get your bearings, your mind seems to be discombobulated.

"No more than usual," you wipe the dreariness from your eyes, "—Wasn't I in the middle of buying Todd's game a forth time?"

"Who's Todd?" The voice asks with a light chuckle, "And how the hell do you buy the same game four times? This 'Todd' even a real person?"

You peer outside your window, at the raindrops suicide bombing themselves against your window, praising the name of Allah in pleasing clatter. Their corpses descend to the heavens, where they are provided their 72 virgins, thus is the life of a raindrop. Inshallah.

"No… No he can't be…" The darkness of the trees zooming by in a blur fill your inner being with melancholy, "Not anymore—-"

You glance back toward the voice's origin. There sits a fucking vampire, decked out like a trucker. A trucker vampire. Her skin color is strangely tan, which doesn't make sense considering she's allergic to sunlight. Is it a spray tan? How is she tanned?

Fuck, why does that bother you so much?

Ar'Lee Mac (Carmila) is her name, she's sorta like a step-in aunt. Well, she's not 'related' to you, but she was to your friend. It's a long story and the conclusion makes you sad, but regardless, you're here now. She's still 'family'.

Mac has a lovely pair of icy blue eyes, purplish lip gloss, and fluffy blonde hair. It's like a tomboy was like "I wanna look charming but I also wanna be a tomboy", the prettiness does not match her personality at all— and her skin. Why is her skin tanned? She's a vampire.

The 711… the car chase— what was real and what wasn't real? Where are you right now— What were you doing with Mac—?

—Why does she have a tan?! You glance over her disheveled shirt to see her tanlines, which means the color beneath her shirt is the ACTUAL color of her skin. But it's still not that pale either. What the hell, how?!

How have you not noticed until NOW?

"…?"

Shit! You were careless. She just noticed you've been staring at her body, monologueing internally about tanlines and skintone, she's absolutely going to get the wrong idea—- Is it better to apologize in these types of situations or to lie and say you saw a bug crawling next to her or some shit?

"…"

Oh, she looked away. Well, now you don't know what she's thinking. Can't be anything good.

—Oh hey, the two of you managed to hit a stop sign out here in the middle of nowhere. Mac, strangely enough, actually pulls the semi-truck down to a halt; odd that she'd follow the law out here in the boonies. Is this road even semi-truck friendly?

"Hey sweetie," the vampire averts her attention back to you with a smile, "Were you trying to flirt with me?"

"Huh, flirting? No idea where you got that idea."

"Well, it's okay if y'all were just lookin' about. But wouldn't you know it, my shirt's been snug as a bug; and in this heat, I feel like I've been sweating like a succubus in church. I'm melting right outta my pockets. Y'all don't mind if I 'breathe' a little, do you, sweety-pie?"

!

Ar'Lee immediately turns to you and lifts up her shirt, her d cups flop out with glistening off the curves of her areola. You didn't really even take into note the color of her skin, your penis seems to have taken over the thinking.

"Huh–? Huh~? I'll letcha touch'em if you give me some of your sweet blood~ Be just our little secret. Heck, might even let you suck on'em."

[] "No, you got the wrong idea, sorry"

[] Give her some blood and feel up those vampire titties

[] Completely ignore her tits and ask how a vampire has a tan

[] Play her breasts like a bongo

[] "How am I sure you're not Todd Howard?"

[] "Were you raised on a farm, because you sure know how to raise a cock."

>>403699

>[X] "How am I sure you're not Todd Howard?"

“How am I sure I’m not Todd Howard?”

>[X] Completely ignore her tits and ask how a vampire has a tan

OUR AUTISM WILL NOT BE FUCKING DENIED!

<Ask how we know she's not Todd Howard if there's chance for a twofer

>>403699

>[X] "How am I sure you're not Todd Howard?"

We’ve been burned too many times by Todd Howard’s lies, I won’t fall prey to another

>>403699

>[X] "How am I sure you're not Todd Howard?"

This vampire is trying to con you into letting her suck your blood, which will give her complete control over you, then she would remove the mask to reveal she’s Todd Howard, where she would then force you to buy Skyrim over and over until the end of time. Don’t fall for it.

>>403699

[X] Play her breasts like a bongo

>>403699

[X] how the fuck does she have a tan?

[X] are you sure youre not todd howard?

[X] how the fuck does she have a tan?

This will also solve the question of if she's actually Todd Howard too. If she says something like "My tan just works" or "See these tits? You can suck them!", then scream at her that Morrowind was a better ES game and jump out the window before she has a chance to shill Skyrim to you.

>>403699

>[X] Completely ignore her tits and ask how a vampire has a tan

>>403735

Absolutely, as the legends proclaim, asking her directly will lead to more lies, thus failing on the bethesda spiral again.

>>403708

Changing my vote to

>[X] Completely ignore her tits and ask how a vampire has a tan

>>403735

Seconding this.

>drunk CYOA

Are you actually drunk or just buzzed? I'm starting to think I'm the only one whose body goes full retard when drunk.

[X] Completely ignore her tits and ask how a vampire has a tan

>>403833

Fucking sage didn't go.

>>403842

If your limbs are numb, how do you type?

>>403850

Slowly.

F

Carte Blanche for options? Ok. Take the wheel and lets make Killdozer look like a fucking joke. Let’s see if we can make the news and get inducted into the Florida Man hall of fame.

Also bump because I think OP forgot to remove sage.

>>403924

That's not it, Bromont tends to only bump the thread once he's written to the point of offering choices.

"Good, now get out there and go get them, stud muffin," Mac hands you a few twenties, "Here's your payment for the help."

"Help? Did I do something?"

"Yeah honey, that's why I brought you with. Remember the fog messes with your brain every time you cross it."

"Well, that can't be healthy."

"It isn't."

"Oh."

You open up the passenger door and hop outside, "Where exactly are you letting me off?"

"I have to make a delivery further up the road, if you take this path straight, you'll end up at the Grim Grove Mansion in no time."

"You sure that's safe?"

"Would I lie to you?" Mac closes the passenger door behind you and waves, "Come on down to my shack if you get lonely, honey; I'll treat you right. You know it."

As Mac drives away, 'Tell Me Lies' by Fleetwood Mac begins to play over her radio. You do a double take and feel your eyes begin to dart around your surroundings.

"Oh… That's making me paranoid."

You begin walking down a seemingly haunted pathway, limbs crackling beneath your feet. Through the thick swamp trees, ragged green limbs begin dangling about. There's skulls and boney limbs layered about, but they seem partially submerged in the swampland. There's also this weird hypnotic 70's guitar music playing around you, sounds french. Maybe it's Cajun.

—You suddenly hear the noise of a girl crying.

Looking over to the left of the pathway, you see a pale lady wearing a wet white dress and long black hair that shields her face from view. Looks a bit like the girl from 'The Ring'.

She's curled into a ball and quietly sobbing, the odd looking girl appears to be lost— though, it's also just as likely to be a trap.

[] Go over to the sobbing jap ghost girl and cheer her up

[] Grab a stick and begin poking her

[] "OH SHIT! A GHOST!" -begin shuffling feet-

[] Ignore it and stride down the swamp path whistling dixie

[] "Hey, can you tell me what a creampie is?"

[] Start yelling encouraging things at her from afar

>>403968

>[X] Go over to the sobbing jap ghost girl and cheer her up

>[X] Start yelling encouraging things at her from afar

I'd like to combine these options and shout encouraging words directly in her ear. That is the only way to be sure that she knows everything will be alright.

>>403968

>[] Start yelling encouraging things at her from afar

AKIRAMENNA YO

>>403968

[X] Start yelling encouraging things at her from afar

Also,

>Mac

>Fleetwood Mac

Was that coincidental or was that part of her name really an elaborate setup for a joke?

>>403968

>[] Go over to the sobbing jap ghost girl and cheer her up "OH SHIT! A GHOST!" directly in her ear

>gachi machines

like gacha machines, but always gives out gay porn

>>403976

This and then [X] "Hey, can you tell me what a creampie is?"

>>403968

>[X] Go over to the sobbing jap ghost girl and cheer her up

We're not autistic. We're an incandescent wad of stupid. We're a harem anime MC state of neutron-star dense.

In other words we're fucking invincible. Let's do this shit.

>>403976

>[] Go over to the sobbing jap ghost girl and cheer her up "OH SHIT! A GHOST!" directly in her ear

Clearly, gachi machines always got that something that you need, that you like, that you need, cause they got that. Either that, or they're full of ♂DEEP♂DARK♂FANTASIES♂

Also, I forgot to sage this post.

"Oh right, introductions, um," the Yurei extends her hand, even though it's covered by her oversized dress, "My name is Saya. Saya is my name and what I am called… um.. unless I'm supposed to change my name when I'm dead?"

"Saya?"

"Yes, Saya."

"What's your last name?"

"…Aya."

"—Saya Aya?"

"Yeah. I know, it's weird to have two first names-"

"Sigh…ya ya?"

"N-No… It's Saya. Aya."

"That's what I said. Sigh yah yah."

"Saya."

"Sigh-yah."

"Aya."

"…Aye-yah."

"Saya Aya."

"Sigh yah yah."

"NO!" The whites of Saya's eyes blacken and her pupils nearly roll back into her skull as bone crackling and pitch black blood oozes behind her, "MY NAME IS NOT SIGH-YAH-YAH, IT'S SAYA. SA-YA. AYA."

"Oh, I see," you gingerly ignore the weird oriental ghost business, "So you're a foreign exchange student then. Have you been to Grim Grove yet?"

"Um.. no…" The girl's eyes return to normal and her aura of weird shit completely dissipates, "I got lost and.. um.. I'm not good at making friends. So I panicked, and sorta just curled up and just tried to forget I existed for a bit. It's not like anything can bring me harm, well, anything physical."

[] Ask her if she wants to be your friend

[] Pick her up and carry her with you to the mansion, regaling her the legend of Zyzz

[] Headpat the Yurei and wish her good luck

[] Teach her how to kid'n'play

[] "I am a great magician, your panties are now STRIPED!"

>>404057

>[x] Headpat the Yurei and wish her good luck

If she wants to play with Uzan's occult than do anything, that's her business. We've got our own business to attend to. By the way, what business do we have at Grim Grove again? Not!Todd Howard was real vague about it all.

>>404057

[X] Pick her up and carry her with you to the mansion, regaling her the legend of Zyzz

This way, we can be her friend and head to the mansion like we were supposed to.

>>404057

>[x] Headpat the Yurei and wish her good luck

We still need to carry out our totally not skyrim copy n°766 delivery for NotTodd Howard

>[] "I am a great magician, your panties are now STRIPED!"

>[] Headpat the Yurei and wish her good luck

run away before she checks and sees that they are, infact, not striped

You ruffle the Yurei's pretty black hair, "Yosh yosh yosh yosh yosh yosh yosh-!"

Saya, while not fighting it, seems surprised, "H-Huh?"

"You'll be alright. Just follow this road and you'll end up at the mansion eventually." You explain as you finalize your headpat protocol, "I need to go, but I wish you luck."

"Why are you in such a hurry?"

"I'm not sure." You say as you begin to walk away, "I'm sure it was important, but maybe it wasn't. Maybe I just wanna get home and go to bed. My brain's messed up from the fog, kinda forgot what I had planned for today."

"Oh um.. well.. I'll see you there, then?"

"It's possible. See ya!"

You joyfully cross a creak full of black tar by hopping on stepping stones, the tar being filled with abstract mutant creatures shouting profanities in french. Then there's a bright neon red colored lake, where oni and demons seem to be playing together in harmony, you carefully walk around it as to not arise suspicion. There's a succubus playing electric guitar using her nipple piercings, a handful of shortstack goblins doing a rave, and orc looking creatures off in the distance conducting a game of DnD.

But as you walk deeper into the Blood Bayou, the vibrant devilish redness begins to fade, and instead is replaced with a moody hue of purples and deep blues. That side you were on before was the more 'happening' side of the swamp, apparently.

You reach what appears to be a ruinous graveyard, though it's a fancy kind of ruinous. Decorated with elaborate statues, tasteful depictions of huge breasts, and gravestones. There's a crypt building atleast five stories high, with severed baby hands on ropes, dancing about like spirits.

There's a cypress tree with withered roots, dilapidated corpses and skeletons layered about it's branches, dangling upon nooses wrapped around their necks.

"Oh, that's neat. Rather grim, but neat."

A naked woman with ghastly looking dark skin sits upon a concrete tomb up ahead, there appear to be ragged belts on her thighs and forearms, and a comfy looking cultish cape-cloak that somehow blows in the right direction to hide her naughty bits. Her long spiky white hair looks right out of a late 80's/early 90's music video.

"I've been expecting your arrival, Linus."

"I've been expecting my arrival too."

"Were you expecting my arrival?"

"I expect all things, big and small. For my expectations are as the bottom of the sea. Low, murky, and completely in the dark."

"So just so we're clear, not at all."

"Yes."

The Lich hops her ass off the tomb and vanishes from shadows, as if the graveyard swallowed her up. You feel a finger suddenly poke your man boob, as the Lich appears before you with her emotionless eyes locked upon yours.

"Feel like that was a little unnecessary, I was like five feet away."

"It's hard to mince words when I've been anticipating this— Our bond is the night, my little forbidden fruit~"

"Don't you call me a fruit, I'll fucking deck you."

The Lich ignores your idle threat as her blank eyes begin to sparkle and continues to ramble, "We were always meant to be together, you know. Death was not a hindrance, rather a blessing in our case. What a weird twist of fate."

"Yeah, okay. I hate to sound like a dick, but have we met before?"

"Not officially."

"What's that mean?"

"Means I've been watching you. Well, that is to say, a cult watches the mansion, and it observes you walking in and out of it. Because you're a human being. Which is odd, given this place typically doesn't allow human beings. But I myself just find my eyes glued to you. Such a curious thing."

"So you're a stalker."

"Well, I'm many things."

"And a stalker is one of them."

"…" The girl blows her bangs away from her eyes in frustration and takes a deep breath, "Okay, I came off a little too loop there. That was an awkward first introduction, can I do it over?"

You give a shrug and nod, "Okay, sure, go ahead."

"Good." The Lich brings her fist up to her mouth, "Ahem."

!

She snaps her fingers, and a couple of skeletal hands grab a hold of your shins. The Lich snaps her fingers once more, and a giant skeleton rips through the earth and towers before you. The giant skeleton then kneels backwards and goes back-first onto all from limbs. Within seconds, it pulls out a slab, lays it on top of itself, and fulls transforms into a heavy metal table.

Two skelly hands emerge from the ground, and the Lich sits upon them as a make-shift chair. A couple more come out for you, but you insist to them that you are alright and will stand.

"Linus Wayland, I am called Lamira. I am a Lich."

"I don't follow."

"I don't think I can possibly dumb it down any further."

"You can try."

The Lich points to herself, her foggy undead eyes widen to attempt some mimicry of life, "ME, LAMIRA, ME AM LICH."

"Hahaha, why are you talking like a retard?"

The skeleton hands exert their grip upon your shins. But they are skeletons, thus are feeble. You pretend it hurts, just to be nice.

"Owy zowy, sorry! Sure was rude of me! Won't do that again."

"We need to talk and be quick about it. Listen, I've discovered you've been under a hex for quite some time, and I want to help—"

"HAHAHAHA! Oh man sorry, I just can't believe I got you to talk like a retard!"

"—Okay."

Lamira stands up, walks over to your front, and pushes you back into a skeletal chair. She then hops upon your lap, bare assed, and points her finger tips directly at your eyeballs.

"LISTEN. You're under a 'hex' right now, that's bad. 'Boucle temporelle' is what it's called. If you don't listen to me, you're doomed for all eternity to an inescapable paradigm."

"Man, for an undead gal, you smell pretty. What is that? Lilac? It's lovely."

"…" The Lich's emotionless facade breaks for a moment, she quickly shakes it off and shows you a fancy looking bottle with, what else, a skull cap.

"Is that for me? Oh wait, let me guess, this breaks that 'hex' of mine?"

"Possibly. But I want something in return."

"What is it that you want?"

The Lich places her index and middle fingers upon your lips and stares daggers into your soul, "Your headmaster, the owner of the Grim Grove Mansion, she has a private library in her chambers. There's a book I want, if you bring the book back to me here, I will give you this."

"Oh come on. A fetch quest? Really?"

"Listen, I really need to concentrate on what I'm about to tell you—" Lamira's eyelids fall in lethargy, "And I can already tell you're not listening. Okay, maybe this will help."

Lamira claps her hands, and a long pole shaped object made up of bones immediately rips through the crusty slab the giant skeleton is holding onto, being skeletal table that it is… (The pole is coming from the giant skeleton's lower body).

The corpses and skeletons hanging from the nearby tree on nooses immediately produce instruments and begin to play lively David Bowie music. Lamira hops on top of the slab and begins to strip dance on the bone pole to a 'Let's Dance' performed by zombies and skeletons.

"The book I want is called 'The Necronomicon', okay? Can you remember that?" Lamira spins around on the pole and gyrates her rear (which is covered by her cloak) at you.

"The what, now?"

Lamira grabs the pole from behind and kneels down in front of you, her breasts in full view, "The necronomicon, it's a book that's covered in old withered human skin. It'll be in your headmaster's private library. In her room. Top floor. You can't miss it."

"Necro… nomicon?"

"…" The Lich lays down on her tummy in a provocative position and grabs a sharpy from the skeleton below her, then writes the word 'NECRONOMICON' on your hand, "That. That's what I want. Bring that here. Got it?"

"…Hold on now, lady, you expect me to just do the whims and foppery of a undead sorceress just because she 'claims' I'm under some weird magical spell? What's even in that bottle?"

"My bathwater."

"—A- what-?"

"You'll need to be extraordinarily thirsty to consume it, though."

"How does that dispel a curse!?"

"It'll satiate the demon that's cursing you, and freeing you of it's hex. It can only be the bathwater of a Lich."

"I'm not going to drink your bathwater!"

"Well, you'll have to, or else you're screwed."

"…"

"Good, glad we got that ironed out."

"Can I go now?"

"…" Lamira pauses for a moment as she contemplates something, "Not yet."

"Come on, I'm tired and I wanna go home."

The Lich disappears from the slab and reappears on your lap once more, she playfully bites her thumbnail, "I believe I already know the answer, but I wish to ask you one last question. Then, I will let you go."

"Very well."

The Lich flirtatiously plays with your nose, "…'Dom' or 'sub'?"

[] "Domino's, nothing against Subway, but I really like the mango habanero sauce Domino's has."

[] "Subway, I know people claim all the subs taste the same, but it really hits the spot from time-to-time."

[] "More of a Chick-fil-a man, myself."

>>404261

>[x] "More of a Chick-fil-a man, myself."

Why is she asking about food right now anyways?

>>404262

Welcome to the bone zone.

>>404261

>[X] "Subway, I know people claim all the subs taste the same, but it really hits the spot from time-to-time."

Stop making me laugh, I like this.

>>404261

[X] "Subway, I know people claim all the subs taste the same, but it really hits the spot from time-to-time."

Never change, Bromonto-san

"Subway, I know people claim all the subs taste the same, but it really hits the spot from time-to-time."

"…"

The Lich digs her palm into her temple and begins to massage the side of her head. She seems visibly frustrated and lets out an audible sigh, before looking away and whispering to herself.

"…God, how can I NOT fuck him?"

"-What was that?"

"Nothing, Linus, nothing-"

It was at that moment, as the Lich averted her gaze to morn her lost braincells, that she noticed somebody was slav squatting on top of the slab behind her. A fluffy pink fox tail suddenly spikes between yourself and the Lich, sending her flying off, as somebody else takes her place upon your lap.

"What-?!" The Lich yelps out.

"LINUUUUUUUUS-SAMA-!"

"What's a sama?"

It's a beautiful girl, with oddly colored hot pink hair tied into a wild ponytail. Her fox ears twitch with anticipation and her fox tail wags in absolute glee. Her hair color would normally send off danger signals, were you not sure it was somehow natural.

"You've been gone for a week!" The beautiful girl merrily exclaims before hugging you tightly, "Give your bushy babushka a hug!"

"Bushy babushka…?"

"Oh no!?" The fox girl examines the side of your head and gently rubs your hair, "Did the fog mess with your memories again?"

"Ah well…"

You concentrate good and long on the Mansion, your association with it, and this whole weird hellscape area. Bits and pieces of memories are slowly beginning to reform, but without sleep, you doubt your mind will be able to fully recatalogue everything. But…

"Babs." You call out the pink haired fox girl's name and snap your fingers.

"Ah—!!!" She hugs you again with a vigorous fervor, "You DO remember after all!"

Baburu Yammu, (or in English, Bubble Gum). You just call her Babs for short. She's an old fox lady that looks like an eighteen year old, some Japanese-Russian born yokai. She is what is known as a 'Zenko', though you don't really remember what that means. You don't know much Japanese.

You rescued her from a bear trap when you were a child, she looked like a normal fox back then. Now though, she's a human looking woman. But with fox ears. And a tail. Furries hate her. Anyway, she's sorta dedicated herself to being your 'babushka', though your mental image of an old Russian lady is waaaaay different.

"Skii skii skii skii skii~!" Babs rubs her head against your chest (she's only about shoulder high next to you) and chants something in a cutesy voice, "Lets get you a warm meal, you look like you've been through hell and back! Don't you worry, I'll take care of you! Hora hora, I'm gonna spoil the crap out of you!"

"OI!" The Lich forcibly pulls the fox girl off you and begins to poke her in the tit, "That was RUDE, we were right in the MIDDLE of an IMPORTANT CONVERSATION. It's a MATTER of Linus's life or DEATH."

The fox girl pauses for a moment before nodding, then gently pats the Lich on her noggin while singing, "Que sera sera."

"What?"

Babs explains with hand gestures, "It's a common phrase where I come from. As common as the shoes on our feet. As common as the clothes on our backs."

You nod and sniff, "The most common thing I wear is out my welcome."

The fox girl hops back up on the slab and claps her hands, the undead hanging from nooses immediately change their tune and begin to play a song to Babs' design.

"Que Sera Sera~! Whatever will be will be~!" The kitsune sings as if she rehearsed it with the zombies and skeletons beforehand, "The boy is not yours to see~! Que Sera Sera~! What will be will be-!"

Babs pushes the Lich down with her fox tail, which causes the Lich to begin chanting a spell of death or something akin to it. Before things become too violent, Lamira glances in your direction and frustratingly halts her cast.

"…What are you idiots doing…?" The Lich grumbles out to the undead playing 'Que Sera Sera', "-And where did you learn to play that?!"

"Linus-sama," Babs beckons you on top of the slab table, "Come, partake in tradition and slav squat with your bushy babushka!"

[] Slav squat with the kitsune at the Lich

[] Help the Lich up and apologize

[] Turn 360 degree and walk away

[] "Look, that's great and all, but we really need to do something about the conspiratorial gangster computer god communism."

[] -Insert vote option here-

>>404270

>[X] Turn 360 degree and walk away

Let’s fuck with them. When asked, why, start speaking Latin or some shit. Pretend to be a crusader crusading to the holy lands of “Subway”.

>[] -Insert vote option here-

She's supposed to be our Babushka and she didn't even bring us any Kvass? Something fucky's going on here…

>>404270

>[X] Slav squat with the kitsune at the Lich

>>404270

>[x] -Insert vote option here-

-insert comment here-

>>404293

>[X] Linus shoots the owner of comment No.404293 in a totally coherent cohesion of events

-comment inserted-

>>404270

>[X] Turn 360 degree and walk away

Right into the Lich's breasts. We'll finally get an excuse to use our [Play with breasts like bongo drums] card

>>404273

>Linus

Why does he look like a JoJo character and what is his Stand?

>>404270

[X] Slav squat with the kitsune at the Lich

>>404270

>[X] Turn 360 degree and walk away

Walk right into babushka's fluffy tail

Shiiiieeet, it's great to have another thread Bromont! I hope life is treating you well.

>>404038

I like this drawing.

>>404270

>[X] Turn 360 degree and walk away

Right into the lich's breasts. be sure to stroke that fluffy tail on the way, though.

Quick update, I will continue when I get more booze.

If not tonight, tomorrow for certain.

>>404726

Spoke too soon, came back from the E.R., got a kidney stone. Pissing blood and taking pain meds currently.

No alcohol consumption. With Rutger Hauer dead and Sad Panda getting axed, I'm not really in any condition to write right now. Bad week all around for everyone, really.

>>405146

jesus. good luck, bromont.

>>405146

Get better soon, Bromont.

>>405146

holy shit

>>405146

Kidney stones suck ass. But at least Sad Panda is back again.

>>406043

Hopefully people back up everything this time in case it goes does again. I'm on five different medications after having a stint put in, at the moment I don't feel anything at all but an urge to pee nonstop.

Think I'll continue the thread, provided 8chan doesn't go anywhere.