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/hikki/ - Hikikomori

The modern hermit
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A WARNING TO ALL NEW USERS IF YOU ARE NOT A HIKIKOMORI I WILL BAN YOU!! People who are going to work or school are not Hikikomori There are many people on here who can not leave their home Please choose your topic with consideration IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN AT HOME INSIDE YOUR ROOM FOR AT LEAST 6 MONTHS OR MORE THEN DON'T POST HERE!

File: e85167472726f5b⋯.png (544.76 KB,838x416,419:208,satou playing cards.png)

3a948b No.7312

What was your life like before you became a hikikomori /hikki/?

____________________________
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3dcbdd No.7313

I was severely undersocialized, and did things that got me ostracized. Everyone shunned me at school, and I numbed out. There was also the psychological neglect from my parents, which resulted in me not developing normal thinking patterns that other kids had, and my mind was just a jumbled mess.

I got bitter and resentful from being punted around at school, and plus my being so scatterbrained I just "defaulted" into numbing out and shutting myself in my room. I didn't even go to school for the last three months before graduation.

What about you?

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438c38 No.7315

Got two severe trauma from childhood (both under 7yrs old) which fucked me up permanently… even got asked out by some girls in school but wasn't able to understand what was happening. And of course that fucked me up even more when i realized it later.

The feeling of never getting those years back… ahh hikikomori life™

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bb7c3c No.7317

It was fine.

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092416 No.7319

File: 02a7e3fc3f21877⋯.jpg (72.1 KB,640x360,16:9,353480793.jpg)

I can't say I really had one, frankly. I spent a lot of time at home as a kid and it was always my favorite place to be. Even when I was quite young, I had an indescribable urge against social interaction. I suppose it's sort of a shame really, since all the other kids/classmates in my age bracket actually liked me quite a lot (for whatever bizarre reason) and, as a result, I had many, many opportunities for friendship that I ultimately denied/squandered. I basically had the opposite problem of someone who's chronically bullied (another thing I never suffered from, fortunately). I'd go & be invited to everyone's birthday parties, they'd constantly try to get me to come play with them, or to come over to their houses, or just to generally hang out, but, outside of a few exceptions here & there, I'd almost always turn them away. Partly because I was convinced that they'd have a better time without me, but, more than that, it just never felt right. I could never relax and it all always seemed so far removed from my natural element & inclinations towards wanting to hide myself away. I even had a small group of "friends", if you like, who, through no effort on my part, just gravitated towards me and would light up like Christmas trees whenever they saw me. Even when I was handed this stuff on a silver platter, I just couldn't accept it. It just felt like too much work, too much energy. Standing alone & apart from everyone else was just so much easier. It felt right. Like I could finally breathe again once I was finally alone. Of course, many years since then, being alone has caused me quite a great deal of pain as well. I guess there's no winning.

Oddly enough though, as a kid, I'd tend to feel far more at ease when tagging along with my brother when he'd go over to one of his friends' houses, or occasionally wherever else that happened to be. You'd think that'd of been awkward, but surprisingly it never really was. I always felt way more comfortable since I could just chill in the background. My brother was the center of attention, whereas I could just sit on the sidelines and play Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, or something. There wasn't that same kind of pressure to talk or interact, since my brother was the one to take care of all that useless shit given that they were technically his friends and not mine. There was actually this one kid my brother knew who had tons of, at the time, new PC games over at his house and I'd always beg my brother if could I come along with him, just in the off chance I could play some Heroes of Might & Magic 3.

Anyway, my attendance at school was pretty sporadic after grade 5, leading eventually to me dropping out, after having just barely finished grade 9. I grew to become quite agoraphobic in those years and, after a while, I just couldn't wrestle with my Godzilla sized anxiety anymore and became a hikikomori. The logical & inevitable endpoint of what I was born to be and really already was. Been almost 12 years since then.

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3dcbdd No.7320

>>7319

We've had opposite internal lives then. I always wanted friends but was too much of a mental mess to be able to make any.

It sounds like you're an actual introvert as opposed to the forced-into-introversion sort. But I'm just wondering why you started dropping out of school so early; if I'm reading right, it started because you just didn't want to be suffocated by everyone at school, or was it another reason?

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c2cd46 No.7322

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

>>7320

>We've had opposite internal lives then.

I've always wondered myself why I acted the way I did. I could have had a really nice childhood (I still did, I guess, although it could've been better if not for my hang-ups) but I always felt too afraid of rejection or being a burden, even in the face of everybody being quite friendly towards me. Sorta like how Lain would have her classmates approach her and try to befriend her, but she'd always shy away out of fear. That's sorta how it always was for me. That group of "friends" I mentioned previously, were all actually pretty wonderful people, to be honest. Each of them were rather nerdy, quiet & dweebish and the four of us together were almost like a little squad of outcasts. But, even then, I couldn't feel relaxed around them. Plus, I was even the odd one out there, since it seemed almost everybody was nice & accommodating towards me, but I'm not necessarily sure the same was true for them. They were never picked on though, at least I don't think they were. Come to think of it I never really saw any kids get bullied at our school, as anomalous as that may sound. I'd imagine it probably did still happen to someone though and I just didn't see it. I was one of the tallest/largest kids in my school at the time, plus I had a popular older brother one grade above me. That probably went a long way towards informing my own situation for the better, I'd imagine.

There was this one time though, when we were making plastic plate wreaths for Thanksgiving and mine looked like shit and so I began to sob a little, which really pissed off the teacher (an old British swamp hag, who was pretty much like that teacher from Matilda), since she was like "What on earth are you crying for? You want me to help? Hello, I'm talking to you! Oh, so you don't want my help then? Well then, screw you, you little shit!". It was pretty embarrassing and you'd think the whole class would've started laughing at me, but the whole room was just deathly quiet. When the teacher got fed up & stormed away from me, there was this kid next to me who just said, "Hey man, it's alright. You want mine?". I just shook my head and said thanks and, somehow, the day went on without further incident.

Anyway, in the end, I've always needed someone to hide behind to feel comfortable, like with my brother. Being alone and on the spot, being just me and whoever else I was with, always made me panic because the pressure was all on me to say or do something. The anxiety that followed was too high for me to cope with so, as a result, I'd try to avoid any situations that'd put me in that position. Every time I'd go over to someone's house by myself, I'd always feel extremely anxious, like I was being suddenly dropped in a dark & foreboding wilderness and all I really wanted was to go home again. I must've been invited over to about 10-15 different houses as a kid and each time it was always the same thing.

Still, I remember how there was this one time I was invited by a really pretty girl in my class to come over to her house. Her name was Hilary and we played a Bug's Life in her room and she showed me her brother's nerf gun collection. It was really nice and, naturally, I can't help, but despair at everything I let slip away from me. I also had somewhat of a crush on this tom boyish girl named Lauren. I think I only ever spoke to her once and it was about Hamtaro or Beyblade, or something like that. There were actually a lot of beautiful girls in my age group, now that I think of it. Alina, Lucy, Samantha. I can still remember them all. I remember in middle school when Samantha, a girl who was really into Green Day & punk/goth stuff, asked me what my middle name was once (it's Matthew) and she seemed to really like it, which made me blush a bit. I also remember how I made this one girl laugh by moving my glasses out from my face, so my eyes got really big. I also remember how in Kindergarten there was this girl named Slyvia who ran around kissing all the boys in the class and, eventually, she came to me and kissed me, causing me to fall over backwards from the comfy library chair I was sitting in. Thinking back on it all, I really don't know what to make of it.

As an aside, the earliest person I can remember trying to befriend me was a kid name Tyler in Kindergarten. I went over to his house and we played video games together and watched Reboot & Beast Machines. He moved away after that and I never saw him again. Doesn't really matter, since I probably would've drifted apart from him anyway.

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c2cd46 No.7323

File: 49adfb95466ab06⋯.png (424.17 KB,778x668,389:334,Capture.PNG)

>>7322

(cont)

Anyway, one of those kids out of that group of guys I previously mentioned, his name was Harry, was one of the few people I seemed to spend a lot of time with. That was mostly as a result of him, since he always went out of his way to see how I was doing and if I wanted to come play with him & the others. He seemed to think I was quite cool, for whatever reason, and would tend to glom on to me & constantly try to invite me over to his house (which I did a couple times, but I always felt too uncomfortable). I didn't deserve how he'd bend over backwards like that and if I hadn't been so afraid & anxious all the time, we probably could've been friends for life. He was a very Yamzaki-ish individual, who liked Harry Potter & Star Wars, and a had huge collection of stuff (toys, games, etc.), since his parents were quite well off. He apparently even works in game development now. He and I could have a lot to talk about now, I think.

Funny though, how one of the only people I ever sought out a friendship with was with this one kid named Kyle. The guy was a shit disturber & a troublemaker and an all around textbook definition of a bad influence. I was the Millhouse to his Bart, essentially. I didn't know him for long, but he had a pretty fucked family life. His dad was a drunk who'd constantly beat him (actually saw it happen in front of me, one time), and him and his family were below the poverty line and lived in a house that literally should've been condemned. We never did anything illegal or out of bounds, as much as he tried to get me to. We mostly just wandered around town on our bicycles milling about here & there. There was this one time he took me to where all the teenage drunks went to get hammered in the woods and that was pretty weird/awkward, from what little I can recall of that night. He was also really into Eminem and rappers and was pretty much a cross between J-Roc & Ricky from that Trailer Park Boys show. Anyway, one time when I was over at his house he showed me a scene from one of the Friday The 13th movies where a guy is eating some dude's heart and it really freaked me out, which was then followed by him cackling in glee at me, when he saw how upset I was. I stormed out of his house as he chased after me saying why I was such a pussy and that he was sorry, but I didn't care. Never spoke to him again after that. Apparently that really fucked him up, to the point that his Mom came over here in a fury a few days later saying that he wouldn't stop crying and that he'd lost one of the only friends he had. I don't what became of him after that. My Mom heard that apparently he's been in & out of jail a few times and does drugs a lot. I guess he & I are both fucked in our own ways, it seems.

Reminds me also of a kid my brother knew, named Connor, who was also pretty poor. His dad fixed computers for a living and had a messy LAN style area where him and his family could play Quake & other stuff together. I remember one time watching his Mom play The Curse of Monkey Island. She was a major chain smoker and I couldn't help, but notice all the ash trays nearby her. Neither of my parents smoke or drink, so it was always weird to see. Anyway, the three of us (my brother, Connor & I) would sometimes go play at the local McDonald's play room, sometimes with his older teenage sister, who was quite hot. She'd sit on us, chase us around and just playfully manhandle us (which probably explains why I have a fetish for amazons/dominating warrior women). I also remember playing a lot of Diddy Kong racing at the N64 kiosk they had set-up. We'd also go to this big arcade/recreation center called "Fun City", that had a huge ass jungle gym, putt-putt golf course, and roller rink. I played a lot of Area 51, Die Hard & Point Blank whenever I was there. Had a couple birthdays there as well.

Anyway, there a are few other stories I could mention, but I guess I'm just rambling now. I don't know why I am the way I am, or why I felt the way I did. It's like there's always been something broken with me. I remember how in grade 1/2 there was this girl named Sara who chased me around at recess & tackled me and asked why I don't play with anyone and all I could say was "I don't know". To this day, I still don't.

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c2cd46 No.7324

File: 8f557febdb0e0d5⋯.png (2.05 KB,296x290,148:145,Closetm.png)

>>7323

(cont)

Eventually, around the end of Grade 5, the other kids got the message, gave up, and left me alone. At the start of Grade 6, I had a bit of a nervous breakdown and just couldn't handle leaving the house anymore. School felt like prison to me (which it is, honestly) and the thought of leaving my comfort zone at home and having to expose myself to the outside world, caused me an extreme amount of anxiety. So much so, that I just spent a day laying face down on the carpet in our house just crying out of fear. Funny because the school had just allowed students the option to remain inside during recess, playing board games or whatever, instead of having to go out. I always spent recess awkwardly leaning against a wall, trying to keep everyone at arm's length, so being able to stay inside was definitely a plus. For me though, it just wasn't enough. For a time I was completely incapable of going to school, and, in the end, finished Grade 6 with a private tutor at my city's school board. I spent most of Grade 7/8 between there and my middle school, while having a personal EA (educational assistant) to help me with my anxiety. Throughout it all I was almost in a little bubble and had very little contact with other students, or school life in general. I persisted in this fashion until Grade 9 and the start of high school where I actually did a bit of a turnaround and managed to attend my first semester as normal without needing an EA or anything else. I even tried to reach out to another student one time, since I didn't know anyone there. There was this kid named Eric in my music class and on the first day I sat next to him and said, "Hey, how're you doing?", I was gonna ask him about a couple other things, but then he saw his friend across the room and pretty much left me hanging mid sentence. That was probably my first real taste of rejection and humiliation and it hurt. I never tried again. I also read some poetry in my English class and this rather plainish girl approached me afterwards, to tell me how she thought it was really great, but I just kinda turtled up and never spoke to her again. Overall though, I was doing quite well and my anxiety was within acceptable levels. When the Christmas break came though, I got used to being at home again and the thought of leaving started to frighten me. During the second semester I needed an EA again and we spent all our time in a private room in the school's library, since they'd just get the class work from the teacher and we'd do it separately. Pretty soon, I couldn't even get to the school anymore, so the EA would meet me at the local library or at home. Somehow I managed to finish, but once Summer had arrived the thought of doing anymore was impossible. Unfortunately my EA became a school only option and my original EA got changed to a different one and it was altogether too much. I never went back and just withdrew. It was then that I dropped out of life completely and became a hikikomori. Just been sitting around at home doing nothing ever since.

I never felt suffocated by other people, so much as I was afraid of them, even when they were nice & friendly. I just couldn't stop feeling anxious, despite not feeling any reason to. Even in Kindergarten I would hide in cupboards away from everybody else (Madotsuki style), almost as if it was my natural reflex. In some sense, it really pisses me off, to be honest, since I could've had the perfect childhood had it not been for my shitty fucking neurochemistry. It really feels like a cruel joke, frankly. To have been so close to joy & friendship, yet not have the internal means to seize it. It's like I was born destined to blow both my legs off with a shotgun.

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c2cd46 No.7326

File: ea2dd594c65e9a3⋯.jpg (70.21 KB,799x453,799:453,Mainframe_logo2001.jpg)

>>7322

>Beat Machines

Whoops, meant to say Beast Wars. I always thought Beast Machines sucked ass actually and found it to be a pretty bad spin-off/continuation of the series. Just nowhere near as good as Beast Wars, frankly. Shadow Raiders was also a pretty awesome show too. Had an action figure of one of those ice bugs, along with one of their quadrupedal tank things as a kid. Me and my brother pretty much watched all of Mainframe's shows religiously at the time back then.

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3dcbdd No.7330

File: ecea7a9ff372fa9⋯.jpg (284.03 KB,1000x757,1000:757,isolation.jpg)

>>7324

I guess we're more similar internally after all then.

> Even when I was quite young, I had an indescribable urge against social interaction.

This is it, I think—the source of every hikki's problems. Even in kindergarten it's been like this for me too. I remember entering the classroom on the first day of kindergarten and seeing everyone sprawled across the floor, playing. I had a desperate urge to join them, but each time I would tried, I would just stand there at the edge, paralyzed. It felt like I was choking on something invisible, stuck in my throat. It wasn't something that could be struggled against with effort—it felt like there was something absolute and final that forbade the struggle itself, as if there was some cosmic moral law I would violate by doing so.

I didn't like to be touched either. I didn't like hugs, or handshakes. They felt like alien and threatening, and it gave me shivers to be touched.

I don't mean to pry too deep, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but what was your early relationship with your parents like? I wonder if it's a lack of early parental bonding that causes this.

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e39551 No.7331

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

>>7330

Pretty good, all things considered. My father was always around in a sense, but my mother was the one who did most of the parenting when me & my brother were young, since he essentially just saw his involvement in the parental equation as bringing home a pay cheque, spending 90% of his time at his job/workplace (which has always been more of his home than here, and leads a complete double life there), and passively being present for birthday's or random events/meetings and that's it. I guess it could be said that he neglected us in certain ways, but enh. I'm not sure greater involvement from him would've made much difference in the end, frankly. Probably for the better actually.

My mother, for better or for worse, was the textbook definition of a helicopter parent and, if anything, smothered me & my brother with attention & affection. She always made sure we had what we needed and was basically eternally there whenever we required help with something. Her sole goal in life was to always be there for us, since her own parents (one of which killed themselves when she was very young) were never there for her, and for us to always know that she loved us. The only reason me or my brother ever got to experience Halloweens or Christmases was because of her, since my father wouldn't have given a flying fuck about recognizing such things and has always seen them as just being a waste of money. At the same time, it could be said she crippled me in a sense, since she'd do most of our school work & science projects, so as to ensure we always did well, and there was never much enforced discipline or authority in our household and things were pretty lax for the most part. When we were young, as in age 6-11, my father would sometimes smack me & my brother across the head whenever we did something wrong. Even if it was for something inconsequential, like accidentally spilling something on the carpet for instance. Instead of enforcing a proper sense of fatherly discipline, he'd just lazily show us the back of his hand over nothing, just as his father probably did to him as well. It's mostly thanks to my mother that he stopped, since she'd always stand up for us and give him hell whenever he did such things. My father would also sometimes slap the shit out of her, if she happened to run her mouth off to him when he was in a bad mood. In my time of being a hikikomori there have actually been two occasions where I've literally needed to physically restrain my father from lunging at, or directly attacking my mother. Fortunately both of those occasions happened many years ago now and my parents, for the most part, tend to get along much better these days.

From the beginning my father has never loved my mother (typical person just looking for someone to screw), but he married her anyway, since she was pregnant and, I guess on some level, felt it was his responsibility to take care of her. Methinks though, he would've fucked off like most fathers do, but was afraid he would've gotten slapped by the government, or something, and so decided to stay out of pure self-interest, instead of some fictitious sense of "duty to family", or whatever the fuck else one might say of it. I mostly know this for a fact, since he's straight up told me that if he could go back in time, he would've abandoned her, and by extension me and my brother, in a heartbeat and sees him staying as being the worst mistake he's ever made. In all these years, my mother & father have never slept in the same bed together and are, at best, neutral towards one another. My mother, inexplicably, is more than willing to still love my father on some level, but my father wants nothing to do with her and looks upon her with contempt & disdain, going on for decades now. It's all rather tragic.

Anyway, I honestly don't blame them for why I am the way I am and I think, regardless of how messed up the whole history of it is, I was just always going to be this way. My older brother turned out alright after all (by society's fucked standards, anyway), so I think, ultimately, my faults lay more with my own innately dysfunctional, biological idiosyncrasies than whatever mommy or daddy did, or didn't do. Basically, as far as I'm concerned, it's mostly nature, which is then partially shaped by the presence, or absence, of one's nurturing & unique living situation/circumstances. Hard genetic determinism being the biggest, if only, factor at play in shaping who one is.

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e39551 No.7332

>>7331

(cont)

I'm post #7080 & #7111 from the below thread, by the way. That provides a bit more detail on my situation, such as it is.

https://8ch.net/hikki/res/5370.html

I'd still maintain the claim that I never "really" had any friends, frankly. My formerly alive cat & my mother are still the only two people I've ever known whom I could feel 100% completely comfortable and at ease with. There was such a palpable distance & discomfort to all of my encounters with others beyond my immediate family that to call them friends is a bit of a stretch. It also all happened pre-Grade 6 and, since that point, beyond some rare & very brief moments during Grade 8/9, I've remained completely isolated & alone. I also may as well have dropped out of everything after the first semester of Grade 9, since, while I still attended school to some extent during the second, the writing was already on the wall of how things were going to play out. Still never had any online friends and, at this point, I doubt I ever will. I also have a fairly good relationship with my father, even in despite of him being such a rotten bastard in the past. Age has mostly pacified him in a sense, and thus, he's a lot more personable & understanding than he used to be. I am worried that might turn in the years to come, since the prospect of dementia for him is quite likely and is something he's already showing a few signs of.

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717f1e No.7348

>>7330

>This is it, I think—the source of every hikki's problems. Even in kindergarten it's been like this for me too. I remember entering the classroom on the first day of kindergarten and seeing everyone sprawled across the floor, playing. I had a desperate urge to join them, but each time I would tried, I would just stand there at the edge, paralyzed. It felt like I was choking on something invisible, stuck in my throat. It wasn't something that could be struggled against with effort—it felt like there was something absolute and final that forbade the struggle itself, as if there was some cosmic moral law I would violate by doing so.

You've described it perfectly.

Everytime I'm in a similar situation it's just an echo of when I was a kid, that same invisible wall.

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ca2ea6 No.7360

File: e0bd60c1f967eba⋯.png (297.63 KB,476x514,238:257,1549376100860.png)

I was always reclusive as I could not connect deeply with any clique.

i can talk to and generally get along with anyone from any background but i can never truly feel at home or "one of and the same as" any particular circle. i am both too autistic and not autistic enough. i prefer to stay to myself and even find making online friends tedious and generally not worth it as these days your life can be made complicated just as easily online as offline.

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d20247 No.7374

>>7312

I was pretty much a normal slightly anti-social kid up until i was 11 when i just decided to stop going to school. I would always make myself puke or scream and cry about how my back hurt. I wasn't bullied and i had "friends" at school although i never talked to them or hung out with them outside of it.

>>7330

This very accurately describes what i was like before becoming a hikki.

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61a9a2 No.7381

I think I was always this way. I didn't always know there was a word for it. To put it into a sentence wouldn't work; too much semantic.

The moment you are born you are dead. Depressed people are conscious of dying the way time-loads can feel the plant spin.

BO,

Sort:

Horrible that's why I'm hikki.

Long:

I was always and just didn't know it yet. Like waiting to be a lion's dinner. You are already as good as in it's stomach, but you don't know it yet because time splits up all the superpositions otherwise everyone would always be the human centipede; a direction-ed blur.

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cf1a65 No.7385

File: b4e7de15b15c862⋯.jpg (10.7 KB,338x198,169:99,1554840428193.jpg)

I wasn't always a hikikomri, and I wasn't always so reclusive and unsociable. A little over a decade and half ago, I was a pretty normal guy, and I lived a very active and social lifestyle before it all went to shit.

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Post last edited at

a006f3 No.7534

childhood. parents took me out of public school in the first grade because i'd throw a tantrum every morning crying and begging not to go. I don't have any memory of this.They put me in private tutoring with a 3 other students. I also was very slow to learn language, i do have memory of this.

middle school. back to public school. i went to school no problem, but i got bullied relentlessly. I had a friend or two that we would go to each others houses after school and play video games. My grades were very poor.

high school. i struggled to go to school. I constantly took days off and didn't attend class. Despite this i graduated with perfect grades. A friend or two i would talk to during school, but never after class.

college. i stopped going to class immediately in the first semester. i didn't fit in socially with anyone and i hated going outside.

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990ad8 No.7661

I grew up being a minority in the area i lived in. Got made fun of because of what race I was and the things i said and did, a lot of it was from how I looked though. I was called ugly and tubby many times throughout elementary, and have always felt that way even though people have told me that I look average before.

When I hit middle school some girl decided she wanted to "date" me for some reason, but soon after (1 week) she realized how shit of a person I was (I guess) and then broke up with me after I got a hair cut saying that I was ugly, and then had all of her friends berate and bully me for the rest of middle school. I later found salvation by making a small group of friends.

I cant talk to any women comfortably because of that, especially attractive women. I know it isn't true, but I think most women have that evil side to them and most are uncaring or lack compassion for people they deem as "losers".

By high school I just became more and more depressed, and began to hate myself more and more every day. I guess all the bullying from elementary and middle school just made me feel like an unwanted piece of shit (because I was always treated like garbage, mostly buy other girls but guys too, save for that group of friends I lucky made in middle school). I very quickly began to lose interests in any hobbies I had once had or developed in middle school and started becoming more and more of a shut in type (although I was already one by middle school, it just developed even more so in high school). By the time my last year of high school came around, I just stopped caring. I tried smoking pot for the first time, and fell in love with it. The feeling of being able to escape to another place in my head was so unreal and new to me, I just couldn't stop. I began smoking more and more, and began skipping more and more school. I was able to luckily graduate still, but just barely.

After High school finished, I started college shortly after. At college, I realized how pointless everything was for me and then completely shut down and became hikikomori instead of going to class.

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990ad8 No.7662

>>7661

It has been 2 years since then for me, approaching 3 now.

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efeee8 No.7664

File: 3b6f8645b914527⋯.jpg (64.71 KB,700x700,1:1,82187.jpg)

>>7661

Not that different from what happened to me (college is also where everything went downhill, in my case), but I have never been in a relationship at all, even for a week. I never even kinda befriended any girls either, but there were only two that ever really fucked with me, and only one did it for a long time, so they weren't necessarily worse than the guys. I have pretty much only talked to older women, though. The biggest problem is that women are boring as hell. It's like they have no interests at all, so there is no reason to talk to them. Men are similar, but there are more exceptions. It's amazing just how uninteresting the vast majority of people are. Even if you talk to them, they have nothing to say. It's like being alone anyway, so interacting with them has no benefit. At this point, this may actually bother me more than the fact that most people are bad and should just go straight to hell, and that I can't stand them. I honestly have a hard time believing that normal people are sentient. Anyway, you shouldn't be afraid of women, because they are just shitty humans. If you are afraid of them, I think you are still respecting them a little too much. There is a reason to be afraid of what they can do, but not of them specifically. Maybe you should hate them for a while, that should help, until you eventually realize that you just hate people in general. I am actually pretty self-confident, despite giving up and running away from society, precisely because I see other people as creatures that are lower than worms, so it could work for other people too.

School is a nightmare though. The most useful thing that you learn in there is that people are complete shit and can't be reasoned with, including the adults, that just don't know what the fuck they're doing (just look at the people around you and how little they know about the world, and the things around them, and you can see how worthless school actually is). I was tormented myself for quite a few years, and teachers knew, but never did shit. Violence solved everything. People say that violence is never the answer, but I'd say that the opposite is closer to the truth. Pacifism doesn't work in nature, and humans embody nature as much as any other living thing. Even if you're weak, strength doesn't matter if you catch the guy from behind, maybe with some improvised club. And the best part is that you can get away with it when you're underage. The downside is that this solution kinda goes away as an adult, for the most part. That just makes me think that I should have been more brutal and enjoyed that more while I could. It's the only chance that you get to really give those people what they deserve and shatter the illusion of safety that they have in their heads. Girls shouldn't be immune to this either. It's even more important for them to learn this lesson, because getting punched in the face is better than doing that to the wrong guy and ending up in a grave later on. Smart women already know this. Men are stronger, so you don't fuck with them, and you should probably watch your back because guaranteed safety will never be a thing. Retards in general really should learn that you don't fuck with people if you don't want to get hurt, since it's apparently not obvious enough. Goes to show just how much this society shelters those people, if that is something that has to be explained to them. Well, I guess it's not surprising, since society says that no matter what someone does to you, you should never use violence. Even if the guy is going to shoot you, you are just expected to die, and if you react, you are the villain. People are just fucking garbage.

>I tried smoking pot for the first time

I want the dude weed, dude, but it's not legal. It would really improve my mind, and my life in general. I wouldn't smoke it, though. Other drugs would be great overall. Hopefully fun will eventually be legalized, but probably not. Alcohol is fine, but I want more variety, especially since I'm only willing to drink once or twice a week, because I know how to manage my vices. Haven't been doing it even that often, though, because it interferes with my medication so I have to time it well. Keeping your resistances low is always the best thing to do, though. Just a few days ago I drank half a bottle of wine and two beers, and I was really drunk for 4 hours, or something like that. Alcohol just makes everything better if you use it correctly. It's very rewarding if you have self-control. Having weed as well would be great.

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990ad8 No.7665

>>7664

>Maybe you should hate them for a while, that should help, until you eventually realize that you just hate people in general.

I have already gone through this. I think I am done hating people because its not worth it in the end. I think you just use too much energy thinking about those people, when you shouldn't use any. I used to really hate other people with a passion at one point but realized it was getting unhealthy so I stopped

>Retards in general really should learn that you don't fuck with people if you don't want to get hurt, since it's apparently not obvious enough

I wish this was common sense

I think alcohol is cheaper but I don't want to get started with it. I think I probably would have addiction problems and its worse with alcohol than with weed.

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efeee8 No.7666

File: 2f1a964f040a06e⋯.jpg (116.09 KB,500x500,1:1,982436.jpg)

>>7665

>I think I probably would have addiction problems and its worse with alcohol than with weed.

I have no experience at all with weed, never even seen it in person, but I doubt that it's very different. Actually, I think alcohol is a lot more dangerous, just because alcoholism has destroyed so many lives, while weed is relatively harmless. Every drug will become a problem if you don't use it correctly, though, so if you can't control yourself, it's definitely risky and maybe you should avoid it. I don't have that problem, because I just do everything efficiently. I know how much I can handle, from experience, and I drink a lot of water and wait a long time before going to sleep, so I never had any issues with alcohol. Well, except a couple of times that weren't because of the alcohol, it's just that the cheap beer/wine that I drank was so disgusting that it made me sick, even though it was a below average amount for me.

I tend to drink some really atrocious shit, just because it's what I have, and it's dirt cheap, but very occasionally my body just decided to reject it, because it's that awful. If you mixed my beer with piss, I can't imagine that it would get that much worse. I would rather drink a small amount of something stronger, like whiskey, or vodka, or rum, or brandy, but I don't have an infinite, free supply of that, because my family doesn't drink any of that, at least not more than once a year. I can't say that whiskey tastes good exactly. It's kinda like a really strong espresso with no sugar in a way, because you have to be kind of a masochist to like it, and I happen to like both. It's great if you like to drink distilled death, like me. I also like how it warms me up inside. It's strong, and it's not disgusting, so it's way better than the shit that I drink.

Don't drink, though. I do recommend drinking, but only if you learn how to drink properly. If there is a risk, I think you shouldn't take it. If you have a weed problem, you should deal with that first. Getting addicted to weed is possible, and it can really fuck you up. Very unpleasant, from what I know. You just have to think rationally about drugs. If you use something too often, you will get diminishing returns, and you will spend a shitload of money for no reason. And eventually you will have to stop, and it will be an unnecessary pain to deal with, because the withdrawal symptoms will be difficult to tolerate. I would say that drugs should never be a habit. In my case, drinking is always a decision. I can and do live just fine without alcohol for months, it's just something that I occasionally consume so I can enhance whatever I plan to do after I drink (last time I just listened to music and watched a lot of old videos, maybe posted somewhere, and then fapped, and it was amazing because alcohol makes that better for me as well). It's not a habit at all. I think there is always a right way to do everything, and my way seems to work just fine. Same rules will apply to whatever relatively safe drug I get my hands on, in the future, if something is legalized or I somehow move to a place that doesn't suck. It's always better to optimize your results so you don't spend too much money and so your body can have the time to recover. Personally, I would never smoke, though, because I worry about my lungs, and my throat, and my mouth. More interested in edibles, I guess. Really interested in hallucinogens as well. But all I get is alcohol, because the government is fucking shit. Well, at least it gives me a break from being myself. That's the biggest benefit. I just get tired of thinking about things all the time, and being whatever the hell I am. Alcohol makes all of that disappear, at least temporarily, and it's great. Even physical pain goes away for the most part. Even if it doesn't disappear, it just doesn't matter when I'm drunk. This is relevant because I really hurt my back a while ago, and getting drunk just made the pain cease to matter. It's like it's just not my problem anymore. I have no idea how I can talk this much about drinking, but I guess I can. It's great, but I guess that's why it's dangerous in the first place. If it sucked, we wouldn't do it, and there would be no risk or need for self-control.

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e582d0 No.7794

>>7312

Background, small body 1.60, girly looks since I was a child, molested twice by a family member and a classmate, bullyed all life until HC.

19 years old about to graduate as an accountant in one more year in therapy and meds actually feeling good, despite being an outcast at college I dont get bullyed thanks to the work amount and not being ugly, managed to get a job in a small building as an auxilary acc, my boss is a nice guy in his 30s Im making money and theres this qt3.14 18 yo whos also working there as a phone operator I end up being good friends wiith her, my life couldnt be any better, FF i graduate, Became a full time accountant qt is now in college and planing to quit and she asks me to go for a drink after work, sure thing, were drinking shes carring the conversation all the time (I suck at talking) she starts telling me how shes been really happy this past year, and how she didnt even want to work here in the first place, but having someone thats dumb and awkward like me around, but tries so hard made it so much easier and funny. Im not really angry nor surprised shes usually like that, kinda insulting me but also complementing me at the same time, then she drops the bomb, "hey anon I really like you, what about you? do you want me to stay here with you?" all of this while she was leaning against me.

I honestly dont know what to do or say, no one had ever done something like this to me before, I can only say sorry Im not interested in a relationship right now, stuttering the whole time…

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e582d0 No.7795

File: 7b4f145edc91548⋯.jpg (7.27 KB,250x250,1:1,WOJACK_CAMINANDO.jpg)

>>7794

Then follows around 6 minutes of full silence, shes still leaning against me and im hot, not in a sexual way literally H O T im sweating profusely im red and I can tell im emanating warm, she gets up and calls the waiter im still sitting there in silence, the waiter comes and I snap out of it and also get up pull out my wallet and gave her a big bill, she just walks out while the waiter is counting the change, no words just walks away, the waiter knows somethings up and starts to count as hard and fast as she can, I receive the change and run to the entrance looking for her I can see her shes already walking away and its at least 1 minute of running away from me, shes just walking and i freeze, I dont know if i should go or not I dont know what to do, Im sweating, Im afraid, and somehow i feel humiliated, on the way back from home I had a panic attack, the shadows were big and moving around me, I felt like someone was chasing me and had to look behind me constantly, and scream at one point, Ended up calling my boss to tell him I was sick and he gave me the week free since we didnt have that much work, all the while I felt like an asshole, and a piece of shit, thinking why I didnt accept her, maybe Im gay, probably that was my excuse I always thought i was weird for not feeling attraction towards females, when i came back at the office she was gone, turns out she had put her 2 weeks notice the week before going out with me, I felt relief and sadness, keep working thinking I was probably gay for another year until I move to a bigger firm, my therapist told me that it was ok for me to try new things and that maybe I was gay, and that its normal for people with my history to turn to the same sex for comfort, so I started thinking im gay even bought a dildo and was able to cum without hands and for 3 years My life was waking up working for about 9 hours sometimes more for tax filing season, and coming back home to stick something in my ass just to go to bed afterward, too tired to do anything, too tired to even use my 3000$ PC, or to play one of the many games I bought just to never play them, didnt need money i had a lot and 2 credit cards one without limit, even bought my current apartment, but there was no point in it, I didnt "like" my job I mean I was good at it really good, but it was just another task and a heavy one, one day youtube gives me an add for Grindr and download it, big city, a lot of men fat, thin, twinks, and muscles, In one of my free days decide to try and be gay pick this guy 20 yo bigger than me, i said i was also 20, we meet he instantly becomes very touchy Im unconfortable but go on told him "I want to fuck" he smiles and grabs my ass "do you have a place?" no fucking way im gona take this guy to my apartment so we go to a hotel thats close, he gets naked I do aswell we fucked and for some moments it felt good especially at the end but after that The reality of the situation hits me hard like a train, Im not gay and yet Im naked in a bed alone, with a random guy juice inside me, my small friend hurts, and i cried, showered, and cried on the subway, get in my apartment and cried, I felt disgusting, sad, humiliated, and pathethic, and tried to kill myself the next day by jumping infront of a car, spoiler I didnt die but It was enough for my work to give me 3 months of paid rest, and a obligatory trip to the psychiatric, ended up quitting my job, after being confined to my bed and not doing anything, Now im alone but at least I finally feel like im the doing the correct thing, I have enough money for now so I just want to be in peace, probably going to kill myself when i run out of it.

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5c31d8 No.7797

>>7795

That's brutal. The main problem is that you don't seem to know what you actually want to get out of life. Take the time to figure that out. It's not uncommon to be completely lost and confused when you're young. Progress should happen naturally over time as you do things and have more time to think, and to know yourself. In your current state, you can't possibly handle a relationship, so even though the way that you handled that situation was disastrous, it wasn't the worst possible outcome. You probably won't be ready for that anyway until your late 20s or early 30s, so that should not even be an option until you are stable and developed enough, and comfortable with who you are.

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7581a5 No.7818

Worst, i was a very stupid person that im now, the faggot scream time go pass and once again a felt as i wanted someday in spent 3 years feel like one more time in my fucking life .

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