/hikki/ - Hikikomori

I can't say I really had one, frankly. I spent a lot of time at home as a kid and it was always my favorite place to be. Even when I was quite young, I had an indescribable urge against social interaction. I suppose it's sort of a shame really, since all the other kids/classmates in my age bracket actually liked me quite a lot (for whatever bizarre reason) and, as a result, I had many, many opportunities for friendship that I ultimately denied/squandered. I basically had the opposite problem of someone who's chronically bullied (another thing I never suffered from, fortunately). I'd go & be invited to everyone's birthday parties, they'd constantly try to get me to come play with them, or to come over to their houses, or just to generally hang out, but, outside of a few exceptions here & there, I'd almost always turn them away. Partly because I was convinced that they'd have a better time without me, but, more than that, it just never felt right. I could never relax and it all always seemed so far removed from my natural element & inclinations towards wanting to hide myself away. I even had a small group of "friends", if you like, who, through no effort on my part, just gravitated towards me and would light up like Christmas trees whenever they saw me. Even when I was handed this stuff on a silver platter, I just couldn't accept it. It just felt like too much work, too much energy. Standing alone & apart from everyone else was just so much easier. It felt right. Like I could finally breathe again once I was finally alone. Of course, many years since then, being alone has caused me quite a great deal of pain as well. I guess there's no winning.

Oddly enough though, as a kid, I'd tend to feel far more at ease when tagging along with my brother when he'd go over to one of his friends' houses, or occasionally wherever else that happened to be. You'd think that'd of been awkward, but surprisingly it never really was. I always felt way more comfortable since I could just chill in the background. My brother was the center of attention, whereas I could just sit on the sidelines and play Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, or something. There wasn't that same kind of pressure to talk or interact, since my brother was the one to take care of all that useless shit given that they were technically his friends and not mine. There was actually this one kid my brother knew who had tons of, at the time, new PC games over at his house and I'd always beg my brother if could I come along with him, just in the off chance I could play some Heroes of Might & Magic 3.

Anyway, my attendance at school was pretty sporadic after grade 5, leading eventually to me dropping out, after having just barely finished grade 9. I grew to become quite agoraphobic in those years and, after a while, I just couldn't wrestle with my Godzilla sized anxiety anymore and became a hikikomori. The logical & inevitable endpoint of what I was born to be and really already was. Been almost 12 years since then.

>>7322

(cont)

Anyway, one of those kids out of that group of guys I previously mentioned, his name was Harry, was one of the few people I seemed to spend a lot of time with. That was mostly as a result of him, since he always went out of his way to see how I was doing and if I wanted to come play with him & the others. He seemed to think I was quite cool, for whatever reason, and would tend to glom on to me & constantly try to invite me over to his house (which I did a couple times, but I always felt too uncomfortable). I didn't deserve how he'd bend over backwards like that and if I hadn't been so afraid & anxious all the time, we probably could've been friends for life. He was a very Yamzaki-ish individual, who liked Harry Potter & Star Wars, and a had huge collection of stuff (toys, games, etc.), since his parents were quite well off. He apparently even works in game development now. He and I could have a lot to talk about now, I think.

Funny though, how one of the only people I ever sought out a friendship with was with this one kid named Kyle. The guy was a shit disturber & a troublemaker and an all around textbook definition of a bad influence. I was the Millhouse to his Bart, essentially. I didn't know him for long, but he had a pretty fucked family life. His dad was a drunk who'd constantly beat him (actually saw it happen in front of me, one time), and him and his family were below the poverty line and lived in a house that literally should've been condemned. We never did anything illegal or out of bounds, as much as he tried to get me to. We mostly just wandered around town on our bicycles milling about here & there. There was this one time he took me to where all the teenage drunks went to get hammered in the woods and that was pretty weird/awkward, from what little I can recall of that night. He was also really into Eminem and rappers and was pretty much a cross between J-Roc & Ricky from that Trailer Park Boys show. Anyway, one time when I was over at his house he showed me a scene from one of the Friday The 13th movies where a guy is eating some dude's heart and it really freaked me out, which was then followed by him cackling in glee at me, when he saw how upset I was. I stormed out of his house as he chased after me saying why I was such a pussy and that he was sorry, but I didn't care. Never spoke to him again after that. Apparently that really fucked him up, to the point that his Mom came over here in a fury a few days later saying that he wouldn't stop crying and that he'd lost one of the only friends he had. I don't what became of him after that. My Mom heard that apparently he's been in & out of jail a few times and does drugs a lot. I guess he & I are both fucked in our own ways, it seems.

Reminds me also of a kid my brother knew, named Connor, who was also pretty poor. His dad fixed computers for a living and had a messy LAN style area where him and his family could play Quake & other stuff together. I remember one time watching his Mom play The Curse of Monkey Island. She was a major chain smoker and I couldn't help, but notice all the ash trays nearby her. Neither of my parents smoke or drink, so it was always weird to see. Anyway, the three of us (my brother, Connor & I) would sometimes go play at the local McDonald's play room, sometimes with his older teenage sister, who was quite hot. She'd sit on us, chase us around and just playfully manhandle us (which probably explains why I have a fetish for amazons/dominating warrior women). I also remember playing a lot of Diddy Kong racing at the N64 kiosk they had set-up. We'd also go to this big arcade/recreation center called "Fun City", that had a huge ass jungle gym, putt-putt golf course, and roller rink. I played a lot of Area 51, Die Hard & Point Blank whenever I was there. Had a couple birthdays there as well.

Anyway, there a are few other stories I could mention, but I guess I'm just rambling now. I don't know why I am the way I am, or why I felt the way I did. It's like there's always been something broken with me. I remember how in grade 1/2 there was this girl named Sara who chased me around at recess & tackled me and asked why I don't play with anyone and all I could say was "I don't know". To this day, I still don't.

>>7323

(cont)

Eventually, around the end of Grade 5, the other kids got the message, gave up, and left me alone. At the start of Grade 6, I had a bit of a nervous breakdown and just couldn't handle leaving the house anymore. School felt like prison to me (which it is, honestly) and the thought of leaving my comfort zone at home and having to expose myself to the outside world, caused me an extreme amount of anxiety. So much so, that I just spent a day laying face down on the carpet in our house just crying out of fear. Funny because the school had just allowed students the option to remain inside during recess, playing board games or whatever, instead of having to go out. I always spent recess awkwardly leaning against a wall, trying to keep everyone at arm's length, so being able to stay inside was definitely a plus. For me though, it just wasn't enough. For a time I was completely incapable of going to school, and, in the end, finished Grade 6 with a private tutor at my city's school board. I spent most of Grade 7/8 between there and my middle school, while having a personal EA (educational assistant) to help me with my anxiety. Throughout it all I was almost in a little bubble and had very little contact with other students, or school life in general. I persisted in this fashion until Grade 9 and the start of high school where I actually did a bit of a turnaround and managed to attend my first semester as normal without needing an EA or anything else. I even tried to reach out to another student one time, since I didn't know anyone there. There was this kid named Eric in my music class and on the first day I sat next to him and said, "Hey, how're you doing?", I was gonna ask him about a couple other things, but then he saw his friend across the room and pretty much left me hanging mid sentence. That was probably my first real taste of rejection and humiliation and it hurt. I never tried again. I also read some poetry in my English class and this rather plainish girl approached me afterwards, to tell me how she thought it was really great, but I just kinda turtled up and never spoke to her again. Overall though, I was doing quite well and my anxiety was within acceptable levels. When the Christmas break came though, I got used to being at home again and the thought of leaving started to frighten me. During the second semester I needed an EA again and we spent all our time in a private room in the school's library, since they'd just get the class work from the teacher and we'd do it separately. Pretty soon, I couldn't even get to the school anymore, so the EA would meet me at the local library or at home. Somehow I managed to finish, but once Summer had arrived the thought of doing anymore was impossible. Unfortunately my EA became a school only option and my original EA got changed to a different one and it was altogether too much. I never went back and just withdrew. It was then that I dropped out of life completely and became a hikikomori. Just been sitting around at home doing nothing ever since.

I never felt suffocated by other people, so much as I was afraid of them, even when they were nice & friendly. I just couldn't stop feeling anxious, despite not feeling any reason to. Even in Kindergarten I would hide in cupboards away from everybody else (Madotsuki style), almost as if it was my natural reflex. In some sense, it really pisses me off, to be honest, since I could've had the perfect childhood had it not been for my shitty fucking neurochemistry. It really feels like a cruel joke, frankly. To have been so close to joy & friendship, yet not have the internal means to seize it. It's like I was born destined to blow both my legs off with a shotgun.

>>7322

>Beat Machines

Whoops, meant to say Beast Wars. I always thought Beast Machines sucked ass actually and found it to be a pretty bad spin-off/continuation of the series. Just nowhere near as good as Beast Wars, frankly. Shadow Raiders was also a pretty awesome show too. Had an action figure of one of those ice bugs, along with one of their quadrupedal tank things as a kid. Me and my brother pretty much watched all of Mainframe's shows religiously at the time back then.

>>7324

I guess we're more similar internally after all then.

> Even when I was quite young, I had an indescribable urge against social interaction.

This is it, I think—the source of every hikki's problems. Even in kindergarten it's been like this for me too. I remember entering the classroom on the first day of kindergarten and seeing everyone sprawled across the floor, playing. I had a desperate urge to join them, but each time I would tried, I would just stand there at the edge, paralyzed. It felt like I was choking on something invisible, stuck in my throat. It wasn't something that could be struggled against with effort—it felt like there was something absolute and final that forbade the struggle itself, as if there was some cosmic moral law I would violate by doing so.

I didn't like to be touched either. I didn't like hugs, or handshakes. They felt like alien and threatening, and it gave me shivers to be touched.

I don't mean to pry too deep, and you don't have to answer if you don't want to, but what was your early relationship with your parents like? I wonder if it's a lack of early parental bonding that causes this.

I was always reclusive as I could not connect deeply with any clique.

i can talk to and generally get along with anyone from any background but i can never truly feel at home or "one of and the same as" any particular circle. i am both too autistic and not autistic enough. i prefer to stay to myself and even find making online friends tedious and generally not worth it as these days your life can be made complicated just as easily online as offline.

I wasn't always a hikikomri, and I wasn't always so reclusive and unsociable. A little over a decade and half ago, I was a pretty normal guy, and I lived a very active and social lifestyle before it all went to shit.

>>7661

Not that different from what happened to me (college is also where everything went downhill, in my case), but I have never been in a relationship at all, even for a week. I never even kinda befriended any girls either, but there were only two that ever really fucked with me, and only one did it for a long time, so they weren't necessarily worse than the guys. I have pretty much only talked to older women, though. The biggest problem is that women are boring as hell. It's like they have no interests at all, so there is no reason to talk to them. Men are similar, but there are more exceptions. It's amazing just how uninteresting the vast majority of people are. Even if you talk to them, they have nothing to say. It's like being alone anyway, so interacting with them has no benefit. At this point, this may actually bother me more than the fact that most people are bad and should just go straight to hell, and that I can't stand them. I honestly have a hard time believing that normal people are sentient. Anyway, you shouldn't be afraid of women, because they are just shitty humans. If you are afraid of them, I think you are still respecting them a little too much. There is a reason to be afraid of what they can do, but not of them specifically. Maybe you should hate them for a while, that should help, until you eventually realize that you just hate people in general. I am actually pretty self-confident, despite giving up and running away from society, precisely because I see other people as creatures that are lower than worms, so it could work for other people too.

School is a nightmare though. The most useful thing that you learn in there is that people are complete shit and can't be reasoned with, including the adults, that just don't know what the fuck they're doing (just look at the people around you and how little they know about the world, and the things around them, and you can see how worthless school actually is). I was tormented myself for quite a few years, and teachers knew, but never did shit. Violence solved everything. People say that violence is never the answer, but I'd say that the opposite is closer to the truth. Pacifism doesn't work in nature, and humans embody nature as much as any other living thing. Even if you're weak, strength doesn't matter if you catch the guy from behind, maybe with some improvised club. And the best part is that you can get away with it when you're underage. The downside is that this solution kinda goes away as an adult, for the most part. That just makes me think that I should have been more brutal and enjoyed that more while I could. It's the only chance that you get to really give those people what they deserve and shatter the illusion of safety that they have in their heads. Girls shouldn't be immune to this either. It's even more important for them to learn this lesson, because getting punched in the face is better than doing that to the wrong guy and ending up in a grave later on. Smart women already know this. Men are stronger, so you don't fuck with them, and you should probably watch your back because guaranteed safety will never be a thing. Retards in general really should learn that you don't fuck with people if you don't want to get hurt, since it's apparently not obvious enough. Goes to show just how much this society shelters those people, if that is something that has to be explained to them. Well, I guess it's not surprising, since society says that no matter what someone does to you, you should never use violence. Even if the guy is going to shoot you, you are just expected to die, and if you react, you are the villain. People are just fucking garbage.

>I tried smoking pot for the first time

I want the dude weed, dude, but it's not legal. It would really improve my mind, and my life in general. I wouldn't smoke it, though. Other drugs would be great overall. Hopefully fun will eventually be legalized, but probably not. Alcohol is fine, but I want more variety, especially since I'm only willing to drink once or twice a week, because I know how to manage my vices. Haven't been doing it even that often, though, because it interferes with my medication so I have to time it well. Keeping your resistances low is always the best thing to do, though. Just a few days ago I drank half a bottle of wine and two beers, and I was really drunk for 4 hours, or something like that. Alcohol just makes everything better if you use it correctly. It's very rewarding if you have self-control. Having weed as well would be great.

>>7665

>I think I probably would have addiction problems and its worse with alcohol than with weed.

I have no experience at all with weed, never even seen it in person, but I doubt that it's very different. Actually, I think alcohol is a lot more dangerous, just because alcoholism has destroyed so many lives, while weed is relatively harmless. Every drug will become a problem if you don't use it correctly, though, so if you can't control yourself, it's definitely risky and maybe you should avoid it. I don't have that problem, because I just do everything efficiently. I know how much I can handle, from experience, and I drink a lot of water and wait a long time before going to sleep, so I never had any issues with alcohol. Well, except a couple of times that weren't because of the alcohol, it's just that the cheap beer/wine that I drank was so disgusting that it made me sick, even though it was a below average amount for me.

I tend to drink some really atrocious shit, just because it's what I have, and it's dirt cheap, but very occasionally my body just decided to reject it, because it's that awful. If you mixed my beer with piss, I can't imagine that it would get that much worse. I would rather drink a small amount of something stronger, like whiskey, or vodka, or rum, or brandy, but I don't have an infinite, free supply of that, because my family doesn't drink any of that, at least not more than once a year. I can't say that whiskey tastes good exactly. It's kinda like a really strong espresso with no sugar in a way, because you have to be kind of a masochist to like it, and I happen to like both. It's great if you like to drink distilled death, like me. I also like how it warms me up inside. It's strong, and it's not disgusting, so it's way better than the shit that I drink.

Don't drink, though. I do recommend drinking, but only if you learn how to drink properly. If there is a risk, I think you shouldn't take it. If you have a weed problem, you should deal with that first. Getting addicted to weed is possible, and it can really fuck you up. Very unpleasant, from what I know. You just have to think rationally about drugs. If you use something too often, you will get diminishing returns, and you will spend a shitload of money for no reason. And eventually you will have to stop, and it will be an unnecessary pain to deal with, because the withdrawal symptoms will be difficult to tolerate. I would say that drugs should never be a habit. In my case, drinking is always a decision. I can and do live just fine without alcohol for months, it's just something that I occasionally consume so I can enhance whatever I plan to do after I drink (last time I just listened to music and watched a lot of old videos, maybe posted somewhere, and then fapped, and it was amazing because alcohol makes that better for me as well). It's not a habit at all. I think there is always a right way to do everything, and my way seems to work just fine. Same rules will apply to whatever relatively safe drug I get my hands on, in the future, if something is legalized or I somehow move to a place that doesn't suck. It's always better to optimize your results so you don't spend too much money and so your body can have the time to recover. Personally, I would never smoke, though, because I worry about my lungs, and my throat, and my mouth. More interested in edibles, I guess. Really interested in hallucinogens as well. But all I get is alcohol, because the government is fucking shit. Well, at least it gives me a break from being myself. That's the biggest benefit. I just get tired of thinking about things all the time, and being whatever the hell I am. Alcohol makes all of that disappear, at least temporarily, and it's great. Even physical pain goes away for the most part. Even if it doesn't disappear, it just doesn't matter when I'm drunk. This is relevant because I really hurt my back a while ago, and getting drunk just made the pain cease to matter. It's like it's just not my problem anymore. I have no idea how I can talk this much about drinking, but I guess I can. It's great, but I guess that's why it's dangerous in the first place. If it sucked, we wouldn't do it, and there would be no risk or need for self-control.

>>7794

Then follows around 6 minutes of full silence, shes still leaning against me and im hot, not in a sexual way literally H O T im sweating profusely im red and I can tell im emanating warm, she gets up and calls the waiter im still sitting there in silence, the waiter comes and I snap out of it and also get up pull out my wallet and gave her a big bill, she just walks out while the waiter is counting the change, no words just walks away, the waiter knows somethings up and starts to count as hard and fast as she can, I receive the change and run to the entrance looking for her I can see her shes already walking away and its at least 1 minute of running away from me, shes just walking and i freeze, I dont know if i should go or not I dont know what to do, Im sweating, Im afraid, and somehow i feel humiliated, on the way back from home I had a panic attack, the shadows were big and moving around me, I felt like someone was chasing me and had to look behind me constantly, and scream at one point, Ended up calling my boss to tell him I was sick and he gave me the week free since we didnt have that much work, all the while I felt like an asshole, and a piece of shit, thinking why I didnt accept her, maybe Im gay, probably that was my excuse I always thought i was weird for not feeling attraction towards females, when i came back at the office she was gone, turns out she had put her 2 weeks notice the week before going out with me, I felt relief and sadness, keep working thinking I was probably gay for another year until I move to a bigger firm, my therapist told me that it was ok for me to try new things and that maybe I was gay, and that its normal for people with my history to turn to the same sex for comfort, so I started thinking im gay even bought a dildo and was able to cum without hands and for 3 years My life was waking up working for about 9 hours sometimes more for tax filing season, and coming back home to stick something in my ass just to go to bed afterward, too tired to do anything, too tired to even use my 3000$ PC, or to play one of the many games I bought just to never play them, didnt need money i had a lot and 2 credit cards one without limit, even bought my current apartment, but there was no point in it, I didnt "like" my job I mean I was good at it really good, but it was just another task and a heavy one, one day youtube gives me an add for Grindr and download it, big city, a lot of men fat, thin, twinks, and muscles, In one of my free days decide to try and be gay pick this guy 20 yo bigger than me, i said i was also 20, we meet he instantly becomes very touchy Im unconfortable but go on told him "I want to fuck" he smiles and grabs my ass "do you have a place?" no fucking way im gona take this guy to my apartment so we go to a hotel thats close, he gets naked I do aswell we fucked and for some moments it felt good especially at the end but after that The reality of the situation hits me hard like a train, Im not gay and yet Im naked in a bed alone, with a random guy juice inside me, my small friend hurts, and i cried, showered, and cried on the subway, get in my apartment and cried, I felt disgusting, sad, humiliated, and pathethic, and tried to kill myself the next day by jumping infront of a car, spoiler I didnt die but It was enough for my work to give me 3 months of paid rest, and a obligatory trip to the psychiatric, ended up quitting my job, after being confined to my bed and not doing anything, Now im alone but at least I finally feel like im the doing the correct thing, I have enough money for now so I just want to be in peace, probably going to kill myself when i run out of it.