/hikki/ - Hikikomori

That's a good thread to share my feels

I'm still in highschool but I didn't study a shit over the last 8 months and my exams are after one month from now

I don't know how will I be able to leave my apartment and go to the school let alone be able to pass my exams

I want to drop out but my family is forcing me especially my mom because she thinks that a university degree is the thing that will cure my condition somehow I'm sick of this stupidity but I'm too much of a pussy to stand for myself and make my decision

>>5370

>Where did you leave off on education before you become hikikomori?

My situation is a little strange i started to pull away from the world and spend most of my time in my room when i was 13 going on 14 back in middle school however like >>5371 i still went to school sometimes because i didn't have a choice however on days when i skipped school or had the day off i spent all of my time in my room never really saw my family and my dad would bring my meals up to my room and leave them ether outside my door or come in and leave it on my computer desk. Not sure if you could call that hikikomori or at least not to the extreme extent since i was still going to school sometimes however it definitely was a precursor of what would happen later when i became a full on hikikomori neet.

>Are most like this where at one point you were thought of as smart.

I'm still seen as smart by my family because during my years in isolation i try to research and learn new things almost everyday.

>>5376

> I've learned another languages and read alot in history to the extent where I've read almost every historical event

I've done the same thing.

>Exactly

Damn dude that sucks i know exactly how you feel i was just like you at one point wanting to turn the world off and stop going to school even though you don't have a choice because your being forced to that feeling fucking sucks ass and that's how a lot of young hikkis start out.

>>5382

>I stopped regularly going to school when i was 12 due to bullying and a lot of other issues but ended up getting diagnosed with autism when i was 13

I was diagnosed with autism when i was only 8 years old and i stopped regularly going to school when i was 13 for the exact same reasons >>5374

>Got sent to one of those special schools for people with issues.

I didn't go to one of those places however back when i was in school i was in a special education class for people with special needs i honestly think they thought i was retarded or something to be honest.

>>5404

>Are all of you hikki intelligent or is it just these kind of threads where you show up? Not saying it's not a good thing, I just find it weird as I personally feel very stupid after years of doing nothing.

I actually am very intelligent but other people have always thought otherwise because i have autism.

I got into a merit-based science and math high school that got me free tuition to one of the top 5 public universities. I graduated with a double STEM major and planned on being a neuroscientist. Got into grad school, moved across the country, got a part-time job. I was all set to be a normalfag. Then a cop tried to beat the shit out of me because he confused me with someone else. However, I was fit and into Ron Paul at the time so I fought back. All charges were eventually dropped, but I lost my job, my position at grad school, and had to move back in with my parents. Haven't been able to find a job since. I'm 29 now so there's no reasonable chance I can get back into school and I don't really want to anyway. Academia is bullshit.

>>5370

I effectively dropped out when I was around 14 or 15; grade 8. My first ever year of public schooling, I was home-schooled before then, my parents only decided to enroll me in response to my rapidly deteriorating social life after moving to a new town, but I had already been a three-year shut-in at that point, and it was already much too late.

I did virtually everything in my power to avoid going to school, by the end of the year, I think I had something like a 16% attendance rate. If I was forced out the house, I would literally just wander around town from 8:30 to 3:30. If I ever got tired of walking, I would find an outcropping of trees to rest in, and I would just sit there for hours doing nothing. My parents, all the social workers and truancy officers - none of them could get me to cooperate, and believe me they tried. It honestly impresses 'me the lengths I went to evade that wolf pit they call a school. I'm not even that desperate now, despite being hikki for nearly a decade.

I did attend high school the next year 'round, but only for three weeks before bugging out entirely and going full-hikki, which is how I've been ever since.

Fast-forward to today, I'm 22, and here I am again, suspended from NEETbux until June for failing to comply with my participation agreement; which required me to attend an alternative school and complete a "Prior Learning Assessment & Recognition" program, and subsequently finish my secondary education.

The ride never ends. I'm supposed to start work at Walmart in a week, though.

I didn't get pretty far, to be honest. Even when I was just a kid, all I could ever think about when I was at school was how much I yearned and looked forward to going back home again. The moment the final bell rang, I'd essentially sprint/power walk my way back home as fast as possible. Eventually the act of leaving here became so traumatic for me (right around the start of Grade 6), that I simply couldn't handle it anymore and, thus (after very sporadic attendance due to struggling with my Godzilla sized anxiety every day), I ended up dropping out of school in Grade 9 after my first semester of high school. My mother, in particular, tried as hard as she could to help me throughout it all and to, more or less, "heal me" somehow. This basically took the form of me & her going to see countless therapists/psychiatrists/energy healers (some good, some not so good), briefly dabbling in medication (Effexor/Paxil), to even having numerous special concessions be made for me like not having to take tests with everyone else with the added bonus of no time limits, to not even having to attend class itself and, instead. just going to see my own personal teacher in a private area), but, ultimately, it was all a waste of time. At one point, I could've finished the rest of high school just by going to our local library a couple times every week to meet with my private teacher, but, by that point, my anxiety/agoraphobia was so intense that even something as easy/convenient as that, seemed totally insurmountable. It was then, with a heavy sigh of fatigue, that my mother finally accepted that she had literally done all she could for me and it still hadn't been enough, and so, finally, let me drop out.

She moved mountains for me and yet, in the end, I let her down. I wish I hadn't been so afraid. I wish I hadn't had to put her through so much heartache & stress. I am what I am, though. As broken & defective as that might be. The idea of going outside in those last few months before I quit, with my only destination being a safe, quiet library, let alone a bustling school, felt about as unrealistic as asking a paraplegic to somehow flop his/her way through a triathlon. The only difference between the two is that one crippling disability is something you can physically see and understand, whereas the other is an affliction that's just as fucking crippling, if not more so in some cases, but, unfortunately, also happens to be hidden within the heart/mind/soul and so, what seems to sadly often be the case, is quickly dismissed as being bullshit/laziness/weak willpower (etc.) In the case of my mother, she's always understood on some level the pain/anxiety that was inside me. At the time, she just didn't want to see me throw my life away. With absolutely zero help from my father (who, to this day, still thinks I was just "lazy"), it was a never ending battle for her to try and get me the help that she thought I needed. That takes its toll on a person, especially when you're effectively on your own, as she was. We all came through it, though. It was so many years ago now, that it's basically just an old story we all laugh about at this point. As Kurt Vonnegut's son (Mark Vonnegut) said when asked what our purpose is in this life, his response was simply, "We're here to help each other through this. Whatever this is".

Let's also not forget, that this globally Dickensian society we all currently live in, is, to put it lightly, a right fucking mess. No jobs/swiftly disappearing ones, stagnating/insufficient wages, enormous amounts of debt for anyone foolish enough to get a degree/seek higher education (etc, etc.) When compared against all that, being a housebound hermit honestly seems like the best decision one could make, frankly. Be just another indentured slave to some scum fuck parasitic capitalist who, themselves, do fucking nothing for society, while siphoning out all of the existing wealth for their own enrichment and draining our collective life force/well being like a fucking bloodsucking vampire would, and are indisputably the ultimate welfare queens? Yeah, no thanks. I'll just continue to opt out of that fucking insanity if you don't mind.

>>7106

>How do you all came through it? They just accepted your condition?

Yep. Fully & completely, without judgement. They're really quite understanding as far as parents go. They may have unjustly imposed existence on me without my consent, but at least they've owned up to it and I'm grateful for that. We all look out for each other here, regardless of the circumstance, which is a rarity in and of itself, I suppose.

>And how is your mother doing? She seems nice.

Truth be told, she's getting up there in years & I often worry for her health. Besides being just my mother, she's also my friend. Pretty much the only one I've ever had. She understands me far more than most do, or would. My need for isolation. The insanity of the world. The absurdity of life itself. Even my wish to eventually end my own life. That's not to say she's perfect or doesn't get on my nerves sometimes, but who doesn't?

I've always had both my parents around to keep me company, so, I suppose in some sense, I've never been that isolated, but enh. Splitting hairs. Outside of them and my brother, I literally haven't spoken to, or interacted with, anyone at all within the last 12 years. Only exceptions being rare throwaway encounters (like when I've gone to the dentist or briefly spoken with a relative over the phone, for instance). I've also never had any online acquaintances, let alone friends, and have barely said much of anything online, barring my scribblings on this website I guess. I spend all day in my room, heavy curtains permanently drawn, only leaving to use the bathroom or to get food/water. Cumulatively speaking, I'd say my time outside in these last 12 years more than likely amounts to less than 150 hours, although, naturally, I can't pinpoint the exact figure for certain (might be a little more, but not by much). We also used to have a cat I was pretty close with. He was pretty much the only living thing I've ever known whom I could've ever defined as a friend (besides my mother, that is), but, unfortunately (although not unexpectedly), he died a couple years ago at the ripe old age of 19 1/2 years old. Me and my father are also quite close in a sense and, in some ways, he understands me just as much as my mother does. My father, despite being a bit of a basement dweller himself when he's not at his job, often tends to be coming and going a lot of the time, whereas my mother is either always at her computer or asleep in her bed. In many ways, she's as reclusive as I am. She & I used to go out driving at night pretty frequently, but now it's only every once in a while. She also feels uncomfortable talking/interacting with other people, but to less of an extent to myself (since it's something I can't even fathom doing), so, ultimately, she's not as bad/reclusive as I am, but still pretty close. Close enough to, again, understand me far more than anyone else would. My life would honestly be hell without her. She cooks my meals, is always their to listen, helps me when I'm feeling ill. Like I said, I often find myself worrying for her health these days. It pains me to see her becoming more decrepit & fragile (just like our cat eventually did). When you combine this fact with her long standing weight problems/poor eating habits it's just…… I don't know what I can do to to help her. I'm just always fearing for the worst to happen. I often lie awake at night scared to death of the future that awaits me. Without her, and to less of an extent my father, I'd have no one. No one to talk to, no one to shield me, no one who can understand. Thinking about all this never fails to make me feel deeply uncomfortable. All I can do is try to push it all from my mind, while the inevitable creeps its way ever closer. Even with the prospect of having financial security, losing her would still be a mighty blow to deal with.

Junior year of high school, very early into the first semester, I dropped out due to my debilitating social anxiety. Even if I was at school, a decent chunk of my time was spent either hiding in bathrooms, or the stairwells no one used. If I was in class, I'd just sort of disappear into my own thoughts. Never interacted with anyone. But the more I think about it, I've lived pretty reclusively my entire life, even dating back to elementary school. Almost never went outside, never had any friends, just spent all my time encapsulated in video games or the internet. I have almost no memories of going outside, just playing vidya or browsing the internet. I'd go outside for school, then directly go home, nothing else.

Fuck… I've never even really thought about it like this before, but maybe in some ways I've been a shut-in my entire life…

>>5371

i should have graduated high school last year. just turned 18 and my grades are still all Fs. i really fucking wish it would have been legal to drop out earlier but apparently only an 18 year old can decide that even though i still have the same opinion about school that i did at 6 years old. what i get tired of hearing is >

>but anon you're so smart! etc

>but anon! how are you going to find a job without going to university (nevermind the fact that not every job requires a college diploma)

i wonder how often people lie about having a highschool diploma. if everyone has one, i figure it wouldnt be difficult to just say i have one and my employer wont even bother to check