Shame in Hikikomori Hikki 09/26/17 (Tue) 12:32:25 c28fb4 No. 374
Hello. I was wondering what about living this way, as a hikikomori, makes you feel shame if you do at all. If you don't, that's okay. You are welcome to say why.
For myself it's mostly knowing that my family is frustrated with me. They tell me often things like, "This is disgusting!" in response to seeing the state of my room. However, to me, it doesn't look a mess and I often ignore it. This is shameful to me. But at the same time, I don't feel motivated enough to continuously upkeep things. I may be good for a day before falling into old habits. These comments from my family hurt, as I love them very much and want to do my best for them. If I say that to them, they will tell me to want it harder or that I obviously don't want it enough. A similar shame extends to my friends.
Another thing is that I worry how my community views me. I feel like it will be shameful for my parents to be seen with me if I go outside. I don't want to burden them with my presence. Although in general people have received me warmly in person, I don't know if it's honest.
Other things are just mostly related to comments.
>Are you always online? I see you posting like 24/7.
>Anon, you won't get a boyfriend when you live this way.
>You never go outside, so of course you wouldn't understand this.
>If you actually went outside, you'd…
And so on.
Please share with me, anons. I think you all have interesting viewpoints.
Pic unrelated.
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Hikki 09/26/17 (Tue) 14:58:57 8dd384 No. 375
I stopped feeling shame and guilt a long while ago when I realized it served me no purpose other than holding me back from moving forward, how little I can advance anyhow.
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Hikki 09/26/17 (Tue) 20:59:04 34a2ca No. 377
>>374
>I was wondering what about living this way, as a hikikomori, makes you feel shame if you do at all. If you don't, that's okay. You are welcome to say why.
I do feel shame in spending 10 years in the dark just staring at a computer monitor almost all the time i do feel like i have honestly wasted my youth but at this point i feel too far gone to be honest and i pretty much have stopped caring and now just merely exist i guess.
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Hikki 09/26/17 (Tue) 23:09:51 c64fb3 No. 382
>>374
In my 10 years of solitude, I grew to not care as much about my hikikomori status and yet I still have to take pride in some way that I'm still alive in this damn world. I mean, we all have some kind of stride to live on. Even if we're just at home every single day and night. I'm a black sheep of my whole family and that's okay because I don't bother to appeal myself to them. I don't really like them anyways. I'm already a huge burden to my mother and not a single day that I would think this is the best lifestyle ever. It hurts to know, it hurts to read other people's comments about me and yet I don't know I still endure all of it. Maybe I have a great mentality or that I just simply do not fucking care about what they think about me. They're no different. No different than the others.
The shameful feeling in the first few years drifts away and you grow anger and hatred but lately I've been trying to just let things go and move on. I mean, we've got ourselves to worry about after all. The thought of other people doing things that you're not doing or can not do is sometimes infuriating. Talking about stuff they've done or that they are currently doing in their lives, makes me feel weak and useless. It goes to a point where I'm withdrawn back to my hiki life. It's kind of a stupid cycle I go through. One that I'm working to break out on. Other than that, staying at home everyday is neither good or a bad thing when you don't have something going on with your life. It's just another way of living I guess. Not saying it's the best.
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Hikki 09/26/17 (Tue) 23:21:49 34a2ca No. 383
>>382
> staying at home everyday is neither good or a bad thing when you don't have something going on with your life. It's just another way of living I guess. Not saying it's the best.
This is true.
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Hikki 09/27/17 (Wed) 00:20:57 c28fb4 No. 385
>>375
That's good, anon. That's a good way of thinking.
>>377
>i do feel like i have honestly wasted my youth
This is something I am afraid of. Maybe it's just common way to think, that this time of life, like in your 20s, is the best time you can be alive and live to your potential. My family always says otherwise. Even so, it still feels a bit wasteful. Not very much now, but probably years from now whether I am still a hikikomori or have recovered.
>>382
I'm sorry, anon. It sounds very painful to be this angry and feel weak, useless. I hope you can break out of the cycle as you wish.
> staying at home everyday is neither good or a bad thing when you don't have something going on with your life.
This is usually how I try to justify living like this, especially sleeping patterns. But I recognize where and how it can be negative. Staying at home everyday is not harmful, but completely avoiding any contact or outside experience can be damaging emotionally and psychologically. You can stay at home often but still go out for reasons like pleasure and to visit friends occasionally and not have much stress about it. This is not unhealthy necessarily, but it's also not hiki. I think being a hikikomori is, generally, a very negative impact on someone.
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Hikki 09/27/17 (Wed) 00:34:31 34a2ca No. 389
>>385
>This is something I am afraid of. Maybe it's just common way to think, that this time of life, like in your 20s, is the best time you can be alive and live to your potential. My family always says otherwise. Even so, it still feels a bit wasteful. Not very much now, but probably years from now whether I am still a hikikomori or have recovered.
I will admit in my early hikki years back when i was a teenager i liked being a hikikomori because it was comfy and nice to get away from all of my problems including drama happening inside my family home and me being bullied at school i felt safe and comfortable in my early years now i hate my entire life and feel like i have wasted my youth as i am still a hikikomori at age 24 10 years later.
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Hikki 09/27/17 (Wed) 04:35:47 c28fb4 No. 395
>>389
I'm sorry, anon. It does start out comfy. Maybe as a way to seek comfort initially if you don't like to be around other people or are scared by them. It makes sense to me. I started out by making excuses not to see my friends when they would like to visit or be visited. Now I don't have any, and haven't for at least a year.
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Hikki 09/27/17 (Wed) 04:59:08 10c4cf No. 397
I used to feel shameful about it, or at least a bit embarrassed, when my mother would come in and yell about the state of things. However, my mother was someone who could never be pleased, so whether things were a mess or spotless it didn't matter, she would still yell. I could clean for hours until things were perfect and she would find some flaw to go on about for 10 minutes. I could leave it as a gigantic clusterfuck of laundry and books and she would yell all the same, but for less time since she didn't want to be in it. So I gave up and let it act as a shield. She would tell me to get a job quite a bit, but there was so little I could do at the time and I had no energy to get anything done or learn anything useful. She sure wouldn't teach me, and I'm not sure I'd want her to.
After I was gently kicked the fuck out, I kept living in a mess. Over the years I haven't liked it as much and I found out firsthand how much living with someone like that negatively affected everything from my motivation to my cleanliness. I actually keep things neat now for my own purposes and not to please a crazy person, and I actually prefer it that way. If I told my past self this, I probably wouldn't believe it. I still spend all my time in this room when necessity doesn't force me out for a bit, I'm still mostly nocturnal, and it still gets messy from time to time but it's way better than it was. I even work on personal projects now rather than just playing vidya 24/7 (though I still go on the occasional week-long binge). If I'm watching videos or something I will also do bicep curls in my chair or do sit ups at the same time. I'm trying to find a way to work from home so I can go back to never leaving again.
tl;dr: Bad family circumstances sucked all of my energy and happiness away for almost 20 years and it got a lot better when I got away from them. Not 100% hikki anymore but working on going back since I wanna do stuff now and it doesn't seem like a terrible, unending trudge anymore.
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Hikki 09/27/17 (Wed) 05:15:17 34a2ca No. 399
>>395
>I started out by making excuses not to see my friends when they would like to visit or be visited. Now I don't have any, and haven't for at least a year.
The same thing has happened to me actually.
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Hikki 09/27/17 (Wed) 05:23:33 34a2ca No. 400
>>397
>my mother would come in and yell about the state of things. However, my mother was someone who could never be pleased, so whether things were a mess or spotless it didn't matter, she would still yell. I could clean for hours until things were perfect and she would find some flaw to go on about for 10 minutes. I could leave it as a gigantic clusterfuck of laundry and books and she would yell all the same, but for less time since she didn't want to be in it. So I gave up and let it act as a shield. She would tell me to get a job quite a bit, but there was so little I could do at the time and I had no energy to get anything done or learn anything useful. She sure wouldn't teach me, and I'm not sure I'd want her to.
>After I was gently kicked the fuck out, I kept living in a mess. Over the years I haven't liked it as much and I found out firsthand how much living with someone like that negatively affected everything from my motivation to my cleanliness. I actually keep things neat now for my own purposes and not to please a crazy person, and I actually prefer it that way. If I told my past self this, I probably wouldn't believe it. I still spend all my time in this room when necessity doesn't force me out for a bit, I'm still mostly nocturnal, and it still gets messy from time to time but it's way better than it was. I even work on personal projects now rather than just playing vidya 24/7
This was me about 5-4 years ago and that last part is me currently.
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Hikki 09/28/17 (Thu) 15:11:12 c7274f No. 416
>>395
>I started out by making excuses not to see my friends when they would like to visit or be visited. Now I don't have any, and haven't for at least a year.
I did this a bit in my adolescence, though mostly I would just naturally distance myself from others, so people got the impression that I didn't want to be around them. Ultimately, they were right. Aside from that, I don't smoke or drink and never have, which can exclude you from a surprising number of activities if you live in the US. Thinking about it now, I don't think I have had an actual friend in about 2, maybe 3 years. It's not so bad though, because if I ever do manage to enter back into society, I don't think that I would want any friends anyway. I generally find it very exhausting to maintain a friendship, and with how loosely people treat friendships these days, they aren't worth maintaining anyway.
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Hikki 09/28/17 (Thu) 23:02:39 34a2ca No. 417
>>416
>if I ever do manage to enter back into society, I don't think that I would want any friends anyway. I generally find it very exhausting to maintain a friendship, and with how loosely people treat friendships these days, they aren't worth maintaining anyway.
I feel the same way i wouldn't really care about having friends i would just wanna get by with my life.
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Hikki 10/13/17 (Fri) 16:00:08 733857 No. 915
>>374
im ok with being a psycho
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Hikki 10/17/17 (Tue) 18:20:42 efad05 No. 1042
>>374
Of course I feel shame. What person in their right mind wouldn't?
I hate my family but being a social parasite while producing/creating absolutely nothing for society while having no human interaction has no excuse. I'm fucking worthless. In societal terms I'm less than a child, because even children go to school to prepare themselves for the future.
What do all of us do? Nothing but sit around playing video games and moan about our life all day while the planet continues to rotate. We may as well not exist and that's how most people want it.
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Hikki 10/17/17 (Tue) 21:08:00 34a2ca No. 1048
>>1042
>What do all of us do? Nothing but sit around playing video games and moan about our life all day while the planet continues to rotate. We may as well not exist and that's how most people want it.
I often think about this about how would people feel if i was gone and if anyone would even miss me at all??.
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Hikki 10/18/17 (Wed) 20:25:44 4054a3 No. 1080
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Hikki 10/18/17 (Wed) 22:01:07 6f08c5 No. 1083
>>1048
>I often think about this about how would people feel if i was gone and if anyone would even miss me at all??.
I'm pretty sure my mother would. Everyone else would probably mourn for a week and move on.
If you didn't give much impact on a lot of people, you die without being known too well.
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Hikki 10/19/17 (Thu) 01:13:20 fc834b No. 1088
>>1083
>If you didn't give much impact on a lot of people, you die without being known too well.
Unfortunately this is a very sad truth i have already accepted that i will probably die early and that nobody outside my family will care i really don't care at this point i just want to die in peace.
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引きこもり 10/26/17 (Thu) 09:27:52 29e99c No. 1342
Shame is imaginary, please feel a smile instead of sadness.
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引きこもり 10/26/17 (Thu) 09:38:40 fc834b No. 1343
>>1342
>please feel a smile instead of sadness.
How can i though when i been living this lifestyle for a decade??.
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引きこもり 10/27/17 (Fri) 17:00:22 29e99c No. 1393
>>1343
I wish I had the answer for you because I would give it to you right now. Shame, guilt, failure are not good words for you to dwell on, they will just put your mind into a deeper hole. Find something beautiful, inspiring to look at and think about, find a happy story that really makes you feel good. If I can help you find something to read, or a movie let me know?
take care
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引きこもり 10/27/17 (Fri) 17:32:33 e0a1a2 No. 1396
>>1393
Not the anon you replied to, but I gotta say, a positive attitude isn't enough. We know you mean well, and that you're just trying to help in the best way you know how, I appreciate that and thank you for your efforts. But at the end of the day, this lifestyle is rarely ever one of personal choice or attitude, but of circumstance. I wish happy thoughts were enough, and I don't want to sound mean when I say this, but the harsh reality is that if 'turning that frown upside-down' was enough to fix our problems, there would be no such thing as "hikikomori."
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引きこもり 10/27/17 (Fri) 23:52:36 fc834b No. 1401
>>1396
This is so true also i think >>1393 is happy living as a hikki so he is trying to help us.
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引きこもり 10/28/17 (Sat) 02:31:18 29e99c No. 1412
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-A8GvUehq4
Two bold young neuroscientists have initiated a revolution in the scientific study of sexual attraction. Before Ogi Ogas and Sai Gaddam, the only researcher to systematically investigate sexual desires was Alfred Kinsey, who surveyed 18,000 middle-class Caucasians in the 1950s. But Ogas and Gaddam have studied the secret sexual behavior of more than a hundred million men and women around the world. Their method? They observed what people do within the anonymity of the Internet.
http://www.billionwickedthoughts.com/
torrent:
A Billion Wicked Thoughts What the World's Largest .epub
https://thepiratebay.org/torrent/10642281/A_Billion_Wicked_Thoughts__What_the_World_s_Largest_
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引きこもり 12/21/17 (Thu) 02:10:54 a57ece No. 2667
I have a very accepting family, I've never had harsh judgement about it, my parents have tried to push out of it but never harshly. The only shame I feel is knowing my "line" ends with me, my mom and dad as much as I love them didn't do a very good job raising me. My cousins seem pretty well adjusted though so at least the family doesn't die out this generation I think.
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引きこもり 12/21/17 (Thu) 02:42:22 7992a8 No. 2670
>>2667
>my mom and dad as much as I love them didn't do a very good job raising me.
Same here.
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引きこもり 12/21/17 (Thu) 03:15:33 a57ece No. 2673
>>2670
my childhood was weird, it was a mix of overprotection, coddling and neglect. My mom didn't let me do a lot of things that the other boys did, hounded teachers at school when they reprimanded me, they didn't teach me how to go the bathroom and as embarrassed as it makes me to admit it they literally wiped my ass until I was 9 years old and decided to learn on my home, never got the talk either. When we talk my dad says he was a great father because he bought me a lot of stuff, he did but honestly that's not that important.
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引きこもり 12/21/17 (Thu) 04:06:54 7992a8 No. 2678
>>2673
> My mom didn't let me do a lot of things that the other boys did
Same my mom was always very overprotective of me because i am on the autism spectrum and was born 3 months premature and almost died. I was bullied throughout my childhood and could never fit in with my own peers and by the time i entered middle school my parents and elders/teachers were pushing and pressuring me to succeed at a very young age hell i remember this one time my mom told me i don't know how you're gonna make it in this world. and it was because of the constant bullying and pressure from elders that i started to go into withdrawal and became a hikikomori at age 13 i was a Tomoko-tier hikki for a few years skipping school and staying home in my room depressed to avoid everyone but my mom would still make me go on some days and other days i was just looking for an excuse to get out of my room. About 8 years ago because my parents expected me to succeed at a young age i was forced into the family business because my mom didn't want me sitting in my room 24/7 i worked at my dad's company for 3 hours every tuesday and thursday during the summer i worked in the back area and had no social interaction with anyone the only good thing about it was that it did pay even though what i did wasn't even a real job they just wanted me out of my room. I did this for only 3 years until the company shut down now in the last few years i have tried to reintegrate back into society i tried going off to college that didn't work out i tried joining clubs or social groups where people have similar interest as i do that didn't last long and i tried job hunting for a year not a single place wanted to hire me and i'm at the point now where honestly i have just completely given up fuck society and fuck this world.
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引きこもり 12/25/17 (Mon) 00:43:53 cf0c97 No. 2740
>>2673
my stepsister is 12yo and she sleeps with her parents
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引きこもり 12/25/17 (Mon) 02:38:48 feaf84 No. 2741
>>2673
> When we talk my dad says he was a great father because he bought me a lot of stuff, he did but honestly that's not that important.
I get what you mean. My dad's like that too.
What you really need from a father is encouragement, counseling, and firm but fair discipline. If you don't get that you grow up and get slapped around every which way by the world with no way to deal with it.
This whole buying things is a cop-out for actual fathering.
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引きこもり 12/25/17 (Mon) 16:19:48 f75b2e No. 2750
>>2741
>This whole buying things is a cop-out for actual fathering.
Fucking this i totally fucking agree anon throughout my life my parents never really cared to even try and understand me fix any of my problems or get close to me over the years they always thought buying me a bunch of shit would make me happy and that my problems would just magically go away i mean buying me stuff is nice and all but it's definitely a huge problem when you have an eldest son who has been a hikki for over a decade and you (The parents) don't know jack shit about your own child nor do anything to try and help them.
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引きこもり 12/25/17 (Mon) 18:17:42 feaf84 No. 2756
>>2750
> my parents never really cared to even try and understand me fix any of my problems or get close to me over the years
So much of my childhood can be explained by parental laziness. Being bullied at school? No you're not! They're all just kidding.
They were all "just kidding" for ~3 years and the whole time I thought it was just normal behavior because I believed my dad. If he'd just given 5 seconds to listen and given me some actual advice I wouldn't have suffered so stupidly and senselessly.
They don't actually care that much. Buying you things is just easier than emotionally investing in you.
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引きこもり 12/25/17 (Mon) 19:02:56 f75b2e No. 2761
>>2756
>Being bullied at school? No you're not! They're all just kidding.
My dad never said this to me although he has said oh that was a long time ago just get over it when i've tried to express openly how i truly feel to him and talk to him about my past.
>They don't actually care that much. Buying you things is just easier than emotionally investing in you
Exactly
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