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/hikki/ - Hikikomori

The modern hermit
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A WARNING TO ALL NEW USERS IF YOU ARE NOT A HIKIKOMORI I WILL BAN YOU!! People who are going to work or school are not Hikikomori There are many people on here who can not leave their home Please choose your topic with consideration IF YOU HAVEN'T BEEN AT HOME INSIDE YOUR ROOM FOR AT LEAST 6 MONTHS OR MORE THEN DON'T POST HERE!

File: ef79868e363b429⋯.jpg (20.59 KB,640x360,16:9,zgjtqytfisrq2ocvc2ivlqwcre….jpg)

004e45 No.163 [View All]

ITT post and discuss any books, movies, or other media relating to hikikomoriism.

51 postsand20 image repliesomitted. Click reply to view. ____________________________
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9ab1ad No.3378

>>3377

well it's a fun fantasy but no I agree, that is my biggest issue with the show, things like that do not happen (well they might, but very rarely), but like anything there's the good parts and the bad parts, it's considered relatable because everything but the girls is pretty much on point

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757ebc No.3382

>>3377

>>3378

Can't say about the anime, she was quite awful in the manga, her motivations were not as "well meaning" as she tried to appear, mostly socially inept too, hating other "normal people" and wanting to find someone "inferior to her" in Satou.

If there is a manga that really annoyed me (I don't even know why the hell I read it all) with that trope of the pretty/cute girl suddenly having interest and turning around the weird/gloomy/hikki dude's life for the best, it was 3D Kannojo.

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284140 No.3387

>>3377

>why is welcome to the nhk considered relatable for neets?

Because their normalfags who think oh yeah i'm just like that guy i'm a Neet too i don't wanna work and muh social anxiety.

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757ebc No.3394

Oh, right, I just remembered about a short japanese movie I've seen years ago about someone that didn't get out of his house and was living off his savings (I don't remember if it had been explained how he got them). He only ate cheap delivered food, barely interacted with the delivery men, and even established a schedule of what he'll eat each day. Also, eating while standing helped him digest. He piled up pizza boxes in his living room, the rest was discarded… I don't really remember how.

One day, it was a woman who delivered the pizza and for whatever reasons, she just collapsed in front of his door, so he just brought her inside and laid her on the ground, I don't remember if he took her helmet off or not.

The conversation that followed is blurry in my memory but at some point, she appeared envious of this guy's life. Again, I don't remember what prompted his decision but he then got out of his house for the first time in years, and realised that he wasn't the only one that turned into a hikikomori, a lot of trees weren't trimmed, gardens were rife with wild herbs and shit, and he starts panicking and running in the streets in hope of finding someone. I don't even remember the ending, but I think it was just him getting lost or "trapped" outside.

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284140 No.3428

>>3394

> I don't even remember the ending, but I think it was just him getting lost or "trapped" outside.

That all could have been avoided if he only had a key LOL.

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757ebc No.3556

>>3428

I think there was a somewhat "truth", or something, I barely paid attention while watching with my brother and we were both "wtf?" all the way through…. now I want to see it again, because I think I can relate and maybe understand more of it.

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284140 No.3599

>>3556

I recommend watching >>1580 some scenes in it will make you literally be like WTF?? LOL.

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7ce310 No.3632

While not strictly related to hikki, I'd recommend most of you to read Oblomov. I think most of us can relate to a lot of the themes within it

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284140 No.3633

>>3632

Thanks anon ill. check it out.

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f60fab No.3634

>>3632

>Oblomov;Tolstoy’s favourite novel is a guide to being idle.

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284140 No.4152

File: 79b96474999f48e⋯.jpg (79.36 KB,353x500,353:500,Yoju-_Mame_shiba-p1.jpg)

Mameshiba Cubbish Puppy - 幼獣マメシバ is a 2009 Japanese drama film about a 32-year-old man who lives at home with his parents and doesn't go outside or socialise with people. After the death of his father, his mother runs away and leaves behind a 6 month old dog named Ichiro and some clues for him To find his mother, he will have to venture out into the world.

You can buy the DVD here there is more than 10 copies available right now.

https://www.ebay.com/itm/DVD-Japanese-Movie-Mameshiba-Cubbish-Puppy-English-SUB-A08/282069104501?hash=item41aca0f775:g:howAAOSwcwhVNwj7

.

Trailer - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vRn6D_52ELw

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284140 No.4153

File: a10e0318ef4f805⋯.jpg (108.55 KB,516x728,129:182,Oniichan_no_Hanabi-p1.jpg)

Fireworks from the Heart - おにいちゃんのハナビ is a 2010 Japanese romance film based on a true story about a high school student named Hana who comes home from the hospital after six months of treatment for leukemia. She then discovers that her older brother Taro has become a hikikomori Taro used to be tender, smart and proud of his younger sister, but now he even turns his back on her and stays in his room. Her parents act like there is nothing wrong with him.

Later that evening, Hana attends the Katakai Fireworks Festival and observes the town's youth group happily planning for next year's event. She decides to get Taro involved with the group in an effort to bring him out of his shell.

Trailer. - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1D7wI2nnZyo&list=

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284140 No.4249

File: 748777740268232⋯.jpg (49.45 KB,313x500,313:500,51dyZM-i0KL.jpg)

Hikikomori is a Ebook by P.H.Davies.

When Jessica starts her new job, she finds there are tasks and duties that go beyond the administrator’s role she applied for. The owner of the business, Miri, has a son called Edgar, a young man who can’t leave his room, whose very presence is shrouded in secret. The requests to take lunch up to his door appear benign enough at first, but bit-by-bit Jessica is drawn into his strange world and her own desires and fears slowly start to unravel.

https://www.amazon.com/Hikikomori-P-H-Davies-ebook/dp/B00LEWCPBA/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

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a5ea62 No.4250

File: a4ca3cf9f7e3c59⋯.jpg (142.88 KB,1456x943,1456:943,neet onna to shougaku nine….jpg)

"NEET Onna To Shougaku 2-Nensei" (NEET Woman and the Second Grader)

Oneshot manga with six short tales of fantasy and friendship by Shimizu Aki.

- The NEET Woman and the Second Grader: A 19-year-old NEET and near-hikikomori named Tsuda Yasue encounters a crying second grade girl outside her apartment and tries to figure out how to handle her.

- "Flow My Tears", the Onion Said: A girl suddenly is spoken to by an onion she is preparing to cook.

- The Young Lady and the Gardener: A young, wealthy lady who lost her sight after her father died sits at her window and makes grandiose requests while a gardener that works outside her window tries to fulfill them.

- The Ouroboros-drome: An Alice-in-Wonderland like tale.

- The Secret of the Pair: Two history fangirls meet, and one of them reveals a secret that leads to the other playing out a very familiar situation.

- Advice on Love: A five-years-later continuation of the NEET Woman and the Second Grader.

http://mangasupa.com/manga/neet_onna_to_shougaku_2nensei

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284140 No.4258

>>4250

Thanks for posting this man ill.. definitely check it out.

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16c1c3 No.4481

>Desmond

>shunned by society

>even though he tried his best he was told he was not good enough

>retreated to his room

>hadn't left in years

>hadn't even seen daylight

>worked from home on his computer

>kept to strict routine

>exercised and ate well

>constantly thought of his waifu

>didn't like when people knocked at his door

>apparently not /ourguy/

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284140 No.4482

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

>>4481

Are you talking about this clip??.

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284140 No.4553

File: 3bda7eddde4408f⋯.jpg (124.97 KB,610x343,610:343,No-Game-No-Life-anime-007.jpg)

Hikikomori siblings Sora and Shiro together make up the most feared team of pro gamers in the world, The Blank. When they manage to beat god himself in a game of chess, they are sent to a world where all disputes are settled with games.

All episodes of No Game No Life can be found here-

English Dub.

http://123yts.net/watch/RGb6pnGY-no-game-no-life-dub.html

Sub.

http://123yts.net/watch/qvop2Oxl-no-game-no-life-sub.html

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284140 No.4576

File: bb6ecca5536b020⋯.jpg (7.19 KB,183x275,183:275,download.jpg)

Is It Safe to Come Out Yet? Japan's Policy for Hikikomori. is a book that discusses several critical dimensions of the Japanese health policy response to hikikomori. For Japanologists, this book will provide one more window into the nature of modern Japanese society, without the prejudices that are sometimes apparent in more popular treatises on the syndrome. For health policy analysts this book should provide another example of a government creating and enacting a health policy initiative - and any fresh example should add to our knowledge of how policy works in the 'real world'

Book is expensive as hell.

https://www.amazon.com/Safe-Come-Out-Yet-Analysis/dp/B01JXTO78O

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284140 No.4598

File: ab56959b2f7d2f7⋯.jpg (39.97 KB,333x499,333:499,51oSn0v24bL._SX331_BO1,204….jpg)

Jared lives his life as a Hikikomori, locked away inside his apartment never to step foot outside again. His imaginary lover is his only companion. When the ghost of his dead girlfriend haunts him, Jared spirals out of control, with paranoia and fear creeping from every dark corner of his home and his mind. The Haunted Hikikomori is a tense exploration of terror, madness and guilt; a tight story which surges forward with irresistible momentum, with twists and turns that will have you teetering on the edge. This is a mind-splicing mystery, a harrowing horror and an emotional explosion. This is a book that you have to talk about afterwards!

https://www.amazon.com/Haunted-Hikikomori-Lawrence-Pearce/dp/1492153052/ref=sr_1_3?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1519898939&sr=1-3&keywords=hikikomori

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007825 No.4708

File: f0347649c92e8df⋯.jpg (53.32 KB,690x960,23:32,gZhzVSX.jpg)

17 year old high school student Takumi Nishijou lives like a hikikomori in a metal container and spends most of his time playing games in his room One day he hears about the 'New Gen' murders that have been occurring around the city. Although dismissing the subject because it doesn't involve him, Takumi begins to experience strange mishaps around him, from a horrific picture he received while on his PC, to a mysterious Pink-Haired girl standing at a murder scene.

From there on Takumi struggles to cope with the events unfolding around him, and is soon unaware of what is real or a delusion. As his fate opens up before him, the perpetrator behind the 'New Gen' events attempts to find him, leading him into a world where nothing is as it seems.

All episodes of Chaos Head can be found here-

Dub.

https://ww5.gogoanime.io/category/chaoshead-dub

Sub.

https://ww5.gogoanime.io/category/chaos-head

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284140 No.4876

File: 13ca340bf667fcf⋯.jpg (47.09 KB,250x386,125:193,001_p.jpg)

Tokyo is a 2008 Japanese film that is divided into three short films, each one directed by a different director.

"Interior Design" Segment

Directed by Michel Gondry

"Merde" Segment

Directed by Leos Carax

"Shaking Tokyo" Segment

Directed by Bong Jon-Hoo

The third and final short film deals with a hikikomori who falls in love with a pizza delivery woman.

Full movie can be found here. -

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yp2aJbtBlOM

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074fae No.4928

File: 81bf57941d4c99a⋯.jpg (145.55 KB,252x356,63:89,Now_i_chirashi.jpg)

Now, I… (今、僕は) is a 2008 Japanese film about a kid named Satoru who belongs to the growing group of Neets in Japan. (Not engaged in employment, education or training’) . Satoru is also a hikikomori hardly leaving his room in his mother’s house and without any real contact to the outside world, he lives a secluded life. When his mother’s friend Tosawa tries to help him to break out of his inner prison, things do not get any easier for Satoru.

Trailer

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kzf0sw_b0XA

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1b057e No.4934

File: 73d83eee229cdd8⋯.jpg (151.02 KB,1334x1334,1:1,car.jpg)

>>3043

>>3096

As opposed to what? "Muh socially hobbled young adults are the real victims" like every other hikki media piece?

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284140 No.5390

File: 61d83baf6149eb3⋯.jpg (95.53 KB,422x600,211:300,013023293090_anime-rozen-m….jpg)

Traumatized by school, Jun Sakurada spends his days at home as a shut-in, purchasing things online, only to send them back before the free trial period ends. So when a note appears on his desk, asking whether or not he would wind something, he assumes it was something he ordered and carelessly circles "yes," changing his life forever.

A box arrives with a wind up doll inside, but this is no ordinary toy: after Jun winds her up, she begins walking and talking as if a normal person. With a haughty attitude, she introduces herself as Shinku, the fifth doll in the Rozen Maiden collection, a group of special dolls made by the legendary dollmaker Rozen. These sisters must battle each other in a competition called the Alice Game with the help of a human to ensure victory. The winner becomes Alice, a real girl who is worthy of meeting their creator.

As more sentient dolls end up taking residence in Jun's house, and a foe from Shinku's past makes her appearance, Jun's life becomes far more complicated than he ever thought possible.

Season 1

https://ww3.dubbedanime.net/anime/1023-rozen-maiden

Season 2. https://ww3.dubbedanime.net/anime/1024-rozen-maiden-traumend

Season 3.

https://ww3.dubbedanime.net/anime/1226-rozen-maiden-zuruckspulen

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e38034 No.5487

File: e4e2b852f902b23⋯.jpg (70.38 KB,315x450,7:10,75202l.jpg)

.

Narumi Fujishima is an ordinary high school boy who remains isolated from his fellow classmates. One afternoon fellow classmate Ayaka Shinozaki invites Narumi to join the gardening club and introduces him to a shut in detective named Alice. Alice hires Narumi as an assistant and puts him to work solving the strange mysteries of Angel fix, an illegal drug. Little does he know it could put him and Ayaka in serious trouble.

All episodes of Heaven's Memo Pad here.

https://ww3.dubbedanime.net/anime/422-heaven-s-memo-pad

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e1c05a No.5494

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

>>5487

the show is really good, but the music is fantastic

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e38034 No.5495

>>5494

That is some good music.

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e38034 No.5514

File: e743d0d89b95661⋯.jpg (31.27 KB,333x499,333:499,417Ap6k0XoL._SX331_BO1,204….jpg)

Lt. Carolyn Latham investigates the suicide of four teens that came from varied parts of the country to Cypress Village, Oregon in order to die together. Following their trail, Carolyn discovers a world she’d never imagined. An organized support group for those waiting to “take the bus” orchestrated by a mysterious Monitor. When Yoshitomo Tagawa a Japanese teenager that has withdrawn from the world never leaving his room. living in reverse, sleeping during the day staying up at night and is living with his uncle in the United States disappears, Carolyn knows that she doesn’t have much time to save this teenager’s life. Yoshi, like over one million of Japan's youth, is a hikikomori.

Amazon Link.

https://www.amazon.com/Monitor-Cathy-Vasas-Brown-2014-03-18/dp/B01K95LIO2/ref=asap_bc?ie=UTF8

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064a6e No.5532

>>5390

This is a beautiful anime. One of my favorites.

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e38034 No.5541

>>5532

>This is a beautiful anime. One of my favorites.

Same here.

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e38034 No.5940

File: 86e02fdcfe9d6e2⋯.jpg (48.93 KB,353x545,353:545,joshua-s-withdrawal.jpg)

Joshua's Withdrawal is a digital Ebook written by John Flannery.

Joshua West is a 25-year-old physics graduate. Who has lived the life of a recluse in his parent’s comfortable Cambridge home for two years. Joshua has been influenced by the Japanese phenomenon called Hikikomori whereby thousands of young men have withdrawn from society.

Having had plenty of time to ponder his situation, Joshua has concluded that he is now obsolete and is therefore preparing himself and his family for his imminent act of ritualistic suicide. Part of his preparation involves writing a series of death poems that he reads to his family.

Joshua’s parents are dealing with this situation stoically, while his little sister is trying to persuade him not to die prematurely for her sake. Joshua is convinced that he is doing God’s work by taking his own life.

This text also deals with the effects of the changing role of young men in a modern society where women are beginning to take on a more masculine working role.There are some lighter moments in this very dark novella but it deals mainly with a young man struggling to cope with his own imminent mortality.

Amazon Link.

https://www.amazon.com/Joshuas-Withdrawal-John-Flannery-ebook/dp/B00GN6IWQE/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1531224377&sr=8-1&keywords=joshua%27s+withdrawal

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e38034 No.6028

File: 325c6fa264b3362⋯.jpg (235.15 KB,640x960,2:3,6fd1a6719108981ae2d04125f0….jpg)

One year ago, Sagiri Izumi became step-siblings with Masamune Izumi. But the sudden death of their parents tears their new family apart, resulting in Sagiri becoming a hikikomori which cut her off from her brother and society.

While caring for what's left of his family, Masamune earns a living as a published light novel author with one small problem: he's never actually met his acclaimed illustrator, Eromanga-sensei, infamous for drawing the most lewd erotica. Through an embarrassing chain of events, he learns that his very own little sister was his partner the whole time!

As new characters and challenges appear, Masamune and Sagiri must now face the light novel industry together. Eromanga-Sensei follows the development of their relationship and their struggle to become successful; and as Sagiri slowly grows out of her shell, just how long will she be able to hide her true persona from the rest of the world?

All Episodes of Eromanga Sensei English Subbed.

http://ww8.kiss-anime.me/Anime/eromanga-sensei

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e401d6 No.6404

File: 9adcc502d36f562⋯.jpg (733.55 KB,500x281,500:281,cleaning_room_watamote.jpg)

So I was watching "shaking tokyo" a short by some korean director, and he depicted hikis as having a streak of obsessive compulsiveness about them. The environment of the protagonist was very organised (had a stack of pizza boxes in the living room, neatly arranged). I was wondering how many of you live in a dirty environment, or is it similar to this movies depiction

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e38034 No.6405

File: 241f7c9e36f1ec7⋯.gif (1008.73 KB,499x294,499:294,1509952357066.gif)

>>6404

>So I was watching "shaking tokyo" a short by some korean director, and he depicted hikis as having a streak of obsessive compulsiveness about them. The environment of the protagonist was very organised (had a stack of pizza boxes in the living room, neatly arranged).

I've seen that short film before and yeah it did look like they were depicting us as having OCD

>I was wondering how many of you live in a dirty environment, or is it similar to this movies depiction

For me i like to keep clean for the most part and i can be all OCD about a lot of things and want to keep stuff organized but at the same time when i procrastinate and don't clean for long periods my environment gets dirty sometimes how about you anon what is your hikki cave like?

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91d92f No.6406

File: 6622e1a719a062e⋯.jpeg (54.54 KB,750x375,2:1,6db84e17473747b53c9bf6517….jpeg)

>>6404

I normally let my room build up until the dust levels becomes unbearable (live by a busy road so its pretty quick), most of the time its lazyness or lack of motivation to clean it. Rest of the house is pretty much clean though.

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343a95 No.6408

>>6404

yes these are traits of autism…most people don't understand what autism actually is. people on imageboards making fun of it are normalfags and i hate them.

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55f15e No.6410

File: 3c4853974b2804e⋯.png (781.66 KB,883x628,883:628,938.png)

>>6404

Cleaning the room itself once every week or two is generally enough. It's definitely not a mess. Some people would maybe see it that way, but only because I'm surrounded by computers and electronics. I tend to keep everything within my reach. My main obsession is with being efficient, so I organize everything with that in mind as my first priority, even if I end up with wires all over the place. Still, it's about as optimized as it can be without spending more money. I could improve it if I bought a bunch of pipes. There are no wires attached to the ceiling, but it will probably happen at some point.

I do have some obsession with keeping things clean, but when it comes to something minor, like dust, I try not to clean too much because that would also be inefficient as well (cleaning things that are almost clean is kind of a waste of time), and I don't want to end up with a new obsession. I definitely care a lot more about keeping myself clean than anyone else I know, though.

It varies from person to person. Some people don't seem to care at all about their rooms. I care about it a lot, because it's where I live, and it's part of me to some extent. I have seen people that are extremely organized that don't seem to ever clean their stuff, though.

>>6408

I am autistic myself, and yes, it can be the case, but I think it probably varies a lot from person to person. Autism seems to affect different people in different ways.

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36867a No.6411

>>6404

I'd say I'm average level cleanliness. I did have a period where I had junk gathered in a heap in the corner and clothes piled on the furniture but it never got to piss bottle level. I've never been OCD clean though.

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5d87b0 No.6736

File: f0d822323955063⋯.jpeg (57.13 KB,380x540,19:27,sala.jpeg)

Sala Samobojcow is a Polish movie about a teenager who locks himself in his room after being humiliated in school and becomes addicted to a video game where he meets a suicidal hikki. Pretty decent movie. Every few months there's an English subbed version on youtube but it keeps getting removed

Spanish subbed version (couldnt find the english one) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fKbI6h_XZTk

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163bbd No.6844

>>6736

this, just wanted to recommend

surprising because most think hikkis are phenomenon found only in Japan/US/developed world

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fe67b1 No.6885

>>6736

Watched a long time ago, the ending was intense.

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36bc19 No.7040

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

>>168

>Goddamn satou, I was younger than you but now you're younger than me.

I recently had a similar moment happen to me when I realized that I'm now older than Travis Bickle. In the film Taxi Driver, he's supposed to only be 26. I'm almost 28. That both blows my mind and makes me profoundly depressed at the same time. By comparison, Satou's a spring fucking chicken compared to me. I also watched NHK for the first time when I was 24 or 25, so, in a way, I was always older than Satou. I like to imagine though that extrapolating from when the anime came out in 2006, he'd be like in his thirties at this point. In that sense, I'm still younger than him, but it's not like it matters.

Anyway, I don't have much to offer to this thread other than some short films of YouTube that most have probably already seen.

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36bc19 No.7041

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.
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9e974a No.7266

>>6736

the ending scene is too much for me

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d15364 No.7270

File: cf3a5d5cad7c19f⋯.jpg (189.85 KB,1000x1363,1000:1363,MV5BZWRlZGZmNjktOWMxMy00Yz….jpg)

File: 55bbc1e40980066⋯.png (197.31 KB,608x448,19:14,4789247984.png)

Watched this a while ago. The guy wanders around a lot, but I seem to recall the narrator mentioning things very relevant to hikikomori life in spots.

>>6736

I've seen this film mentioned a number of times. Look interesting, I guess, but I don't have the wherewithal to watch it. Last film I watched was like 3-4+ months ago now. Something to keep in mind when I do have the energy again, though.

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7908ac No.7272

File: b9e52a4f2aa8c0c⋯.png (1.44 MB,1858x1094,929:547,mobhikki.png)

mob psycho just had a minor hikikomori character. even said the word.

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d15364 No.7273

>>7270

Un Homme Qui Dort. A 25-year-old male student in Paris becomes indifferent to the world around him, and subsequently feels a strong sense of alienation and hopelessness.

>Narrator: It is on a day like this one, a little later, a little earlier, that you discover, without surprise, that something is wrong, that you don't know how to live and that you never will. Something has broken. You no longer feel some thing which until then fortified you. The feeling of your existence, the impression of belonging to or being in the world, is starting to slip away from you. Your past, your present and your future merge into one. You are 25 years old, you have 29 teeth, three shirts and eight socks, 500 francs a month to live on, a few books you no longer read, a few records you no longer play. You don't want to remember anything else. Here you sit, and you only want to wait, just to wait until there's nothing left to wait. You go back to your room, you undress, you slip between the sheets, you turn out the light, you close your eyes. Now is the time when dream-women, too quickly undressed, crowd in around you, the time when you reread ad nauseam books you've a read a thousand times before, when you toss and turn for hours without getting to sleep. This is the hour when your eyes wide open in the darkness, you hand groping towards the foot of the narrow bed in search of an ashtray, matches, a last cigarette, you calmly measure the sticky extent of your unhappiness. Unhappiness did not swoop down on you, it insinuated itself almost ingratiatingly. It meticulously impregnated your life, your movements, the hours you keep, your room, it took possession of the cracks in the ceiling, of the lines in your face in the cracked mirror, of the pack of cards; it slipped furtively into the dripping tap on the landing, it echoes in sympathy with the chimes of each quarter-hour from the bell of Saint-Roch. How many times you have repeated the same amputated gesture, the same journey's that lead nowhere? All you have left to fall back on are your tuppeny-halfpenny boltholes, your idiotic patience, the thousand and one detours that always lead you back unfailingly to your starting point. All that counts is your solitude: whatever you do, wherever you go, nothing that you see has any importance, everything you do, you do in vain, nothing that seek is real. Solitude alone exists, every time you are confronted, every time you face yourself.

Just a synopsis for the film which I forgot to provide, along with a quote from the film.

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d15364 No.7274

File: 4260b2eb37ca1dc⋯.jpg (197.65 KB,670x536,5:4,1475323943388.jpg)

>>6404

I like keep my space quite clean mostly since, being that my room may as well be my entire universe and is the place where I spend all my time & energy, I'd rather it not be a festering dung heap. Any and all food I bring in here, I eat on a plate on top of my TV table. The minute I finish I immediately leave my room and put the plate away in our kitchen's dishwasher. I also only drink bottled plastic water, of which I usually have a few sitting neatly on a side table nearby. When I'm done with one I crush it down and throw into my garbage bin, to eventually be emptied out later. No food or water ever comes close to my main computer desk which, aside from a light layer of dust, is essentially spotless. Aside, from the odd pillow or blanket being strewn about, there's also not all that much loose clutter in here either.

Despite all that, I wouldn't really classify myself as being an obsessive neat freak. Just because I'm not a slob doesn't mean I'm Howard Hughes scrubbing the skin off his hands all the sudden. Be that as it may, I did used to suffer quite a bit from my many random OCD related rituals and, sometimes, still do. My OCD used to mainly manifest in the form of thought rituals where I'd need to think of three good thoughts to get rid of a bad thought. The thoughts themselves usually revolved around one of my many irrational fears/phobias. Sometimes it would be as arbitrary as having watched a scary movie or played a scary game and having something from that stick in my head for ages afterwards (like that one scene from Looper where that guy is having all his limbs disappear). In the case of Looper, to stop the panic I'd think of three other time travel movies that weren't as scary (for me, anyway) like BTTF, Star Trek IV, and The Terminator. Unfortunately, doing this would only embed the negative thought further as I'd finish thinking of three good thoughts only to think of what was upsetting me which then followed with me being force to redo the thought ritual and so on and so forth. The only physical manifestation of these thoughts would appear as me often resisting the urge to swallow my spit before I could make three full repeats of three good thoughts and then swallowing to serve as almost an exclamation point to the ritual. Also, when I'd go to sleep I'd often have to face a certain direction before, again, swallowing my saliva.

Embracing whatever the negative thoughts happened to be at the time certainly helped sometimes, but more often than not it wasn't much more than a minor palliative to what I was going through. The ritual was everything and resisting or embracing it didn't change the palpable discomfort I felt from not completing it.

Fortunately enough for me, I don't get these thought rituals much anymore. Sometimes when I'm playing a game I'll force myself to do certain weird things to fulfill a random ritual, like running back a good minute or so to touch a certain item and then leaving only to run back a minute later and touch it again, or turning the camera just enough from a random enclosed space to feel like I've properly moved past it, so it doesn't trigger my claustrophobia, which would happen if denied the ritual. Like I said though, it's super random and times where you'd think I'd be bothered by it I'm not, and then other times I am. In the end, I've always been bothered by how the whole concept of being prone to OCD has become erroneously synonymous with fastidiousness. It goes much further beyond just that such as with, at worst, the debilitating, heart stopping panic that can come from not being able to fulfill impossible rituals. Which, itself, has been the source for at least two nervous breakdowns for me in the past.

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d15364 No.7275

>>7274

I've also experienced palpable moments of "Harm OCD" as well (the fear that your thoughts will lead you to spontaneously enact physical harm to those around you). I've never felt this way towards my family, thankfully, and it has, essentially, just been something relegated to the few times I've been outside within last 12 years. It would usually only present itself when I'd be forced into a crowded area or, worse, be in a position where I'd need to interact with a stranger. I'd often find myself with the overwhelming fear that I'd give into this enticing urge to scream at the top of my lungs, or go sprinting like a madman with my arms flailing or even, in some instances, physically assault the stranger in front of me. As if I'd completely lose control of myself and do something I absolutely didn't want to do. Like laying in the chair at the dentist's office and feeling like I'm just going to leap up and jam a drill in someone's eye. The urge itself can be so strange. Unbelievably strong, yet also undetectably subtle. For a while I had no idea this was related to OCD, since my thought rituals never came with any sort of bizarre urges to act out physically. For the longest time, I just assumed it was latent psychotic tendencies and that I was slowly becoming a deranged maniac. Luckily, it was fairly easy to ignore given that, again, I very rarely leave the house. I remember hearing a story a long time ago about this woman who had to hide the knives in her house because, otherwise, she was terrified of the possibility that she'd end up spontaneously stabbing her husband to death. Kinda similar to what I felt in my own way, frankly.

I've also sometimes experienced a variant of Harm OCD except, strangely enough. towards my physical possessions. In those times, the anxiety/fear can be quite unpleasant. It feels like all I'd have to do is lose myself for a split second. Just long enough for me to throw my wireless mouse against my monitor, or do something equally disastrous. The feeling of panicked precariousness is constant and unbearable. Like a part of me wants to fuck myself over in the most heinous way possible. Again though, it comes and go. Just like a lot of things to a deranged mind, I suppose.

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