Anonymous 08/27/17 (Sun) 23:10:00 91034d No. 12 [Last50 Posts]
I got no where else to be in, where I can just have a chat with anyone who is an actual hikikomori, without being judgmental. I've tried the discord servers, hikkichan, etc. But it all failed. Especially since there are people who are not actually hikikomori. They tend to look down on you and mock to no end. Is there anyone out there who is a real, true hikikomori? One who doesn't have a job, not going to college, and not even in a relationship?
____________________________
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Anonymous 08/27/17 (Sun) 23:45:41 c429ae No. 13
>>12
> Is there anyone out there who is a real, true hikikomori?
Yes you are not alone here anon.
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Anonymous 08/28/17 (Mon) 15:39:38 b62646 No. 21
You're definitely not alone, but "true" hikikomoris are rare, and I'm sure most avoid social interaction even online.
I dropped out of high school. I've never had a job. Last time I had a friend was when I was a child, only interaction I've had since then has been online but those relationships failed eventually for lack of interest. No idea what it's like to love, kiss, hold a hand, to have a date, nor do I need any of that. I actually hate socializing, the closest I usually get to people is by lurking on the internet, I'm only posting here because there's few people and I like that.
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Anonymous 08/28/17 (Mon) 22:14:01 c429ae No. 25
>>21
>"true" hikikomoris are rare,
Are you sure about that?? Japan would disagree with you.
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Anonymous 08/28/17 (Mon) 23:14:40 a70db4 No. 26
>discord servers
>hikkichan
I understand, even in places like these I still find myself feeling like an interloper.
But yeah, there will always be some like us >>21 lurking in the shadows.
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Anonymous 08/29/17 (Tue) 00:47:23 91034d No. 28
>>21
I have little to no interest on the romance stuff and what not but it's understandable that we all want that. I gave up on that and I don't care as much as I used to. I'm a bit of a social person but really, even I tend to get anxious with the social aspects.
>>26
For discord, sure. That server is fucking terrible. I thought I'd find someone in my stance at least but there are actually rare. Dealing with the normalfags there was exhausting.
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Anonymous 08/29/17 (Tue) 03:09:11 c429ae No. 31
>>28
> I'm a bit of a social person but really, even I tend to get anxious with the social aspects.
Same here i honestly do not feel comfortable around people who are more successful then me which is the majority of people but when i am around people who are like me i feel comfortable.
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Anonymous 08/29/17 (Tue) 04:05:50 c429ae No. 32
>>21
>Online relationships failed
This also has happened to me.
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 00:34:52 c429ae No. 33
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 00:54:30 91034d No. 34
It's so frustrating tho. I'm anti-social but then again I have the need to have some kind of social interaction. Not in real life of course. Just a matter of online chat or like this imageboard should suffice.
I thought that discord server would be okay but it's just full of 20 year olds still acting like kids and mods who are mostly girls in relationships who tailored it to their "safe space". It's like we real hikikomoris don't have a place or something.
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 01:21:30 c429ae No. 35
>>34
Hopefully this board does well and same i tried the Hikichan Discord and its mostly full of lazy millennials who consider themselves to be N.E.E.T. or Hiki when that is clearly not the case and Hikichans user base is no better and while a decent amount of real hikikomoris do browse on there there are also a lot of pretenders that go on there that come over from the Discord so when that happens Hikichan becomes a complete mess seems like all we have right now are Hikichan this board and the Hikikomori reddit page.
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 02:24:43 091385 No. 36
>>12
Hikkichan has been entirely overrun by tumblr, tbh.
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 02:37:39 c429ae No. 37
>>36
>Hikkichan has been entirely overrun by tumblr, tbh.
More like Cuckchan and Leddit.
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 02:52:51 91034d No. 38
>>35
Pretty much what's going on with that discord server and it's atrocious. MOST of them aren't true hikis.
>>36
>>37
It was heavily overrun during the Summer especially. Mods didn't do shit. Yet when it's someone else they're more familiar with, it's okay. Favoritism is bullshit.
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 03:37:20 c429ae No. 39
>>38
>It was heavily overrun during the Summer especially. Mods didn't do shit. Yet when it's someone else they're more familiar with, it's okay. Favoritism is bullshit.
I know right
>Most of them aren't true hikis
Exactly and technically it only got that way because the Discord would sometimes be linked on the N.E.E.T. Reddit page.
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 03:46:24 e904e8 No. 40
I think your conclusion about hikis needing to have no job is simplistic. I have a job as a designer and I don't go outside. All my food is shipped to my house and my garbage is taken out periodically by a cleaner. In many ways successful hikis are even more alone since their situation is more absurd.
People who somehow manage to be successful while living as a shut-in seem to be the stuff of fiction in today's society whereas someone who simply spends all their time in their room because they're a depressed teenager is far more common… Enjoy your true hiki discussion I guess OP
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 04:12:22 91034d No. 41
>>40
No one is gonna relate to you as much since you have a job and you probably function more better than the rest of the actual true hikis. I don't speak for them nor do you speak for successful hikis but the fact of the matter is that it's not depressed teenagers who claim themselves that's the problem. The problem is that "successful hikis" like you tend to interpret the meaning of hikikomori as means for an excuse. Save your "I have a job but I can still be a hiki" bullshit excuse somewhere else.
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 04:16:22 c429ae No. 42
>>40
>I think your conclusion about hikis needing to have no job is simplistic. I have a job as a designer and I don't go outside. All my food is shipped to my house and my garbage is taken out periodically by a cleaner. In many ways successful hikis are even more alone since their situation is more absurd.
This is made very clear in the sticky thread you are correct anon.
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 04:22:01 c429ae No. 43
>>41
Read the sticky anon.
>4. a hikikomori can have a job (But works from home only).
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 04:47:38 c429ae No. 44
>>40
>I have a job as a designer and I don't go outside. All my food is shipped to my house and my garbage is taken out periodically by a cleaner
Are you a rich hiki??.
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 05:51:11 91034d No. 45
>>43
How can we tell if someone is an actual hiki and someone who is pretending?
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 05:56:18 c429ae No. 46
>>45
>How can we tell if someone is an actual hiki and someone who is pretending?
People who are ironically pretending to be whatever on an imageboard usually reveal something that shows their not legit.
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 06:01:18 91034d No. 47
>>46
Are they that terrible at hiding it?
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 06:05:11 e904e8 No. 48
>>44
Yeah, I'd say compared to most people. I don't say that to be obnoxious. I've worked hard to get to this level like you wouldn't believe. i suffer from anxiety and other problems so my only means of survival in society comes from the internet.
I'm not really that social and most of the people on places like this are very immature. From what I can see people come to places like this to vent because they're miserable or because they want to find people who they can relate to. I'm not unhappy with being a hiki and there's almost no one here I relate to so im not a lurker here. Just randomly found this thread
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 06:09:07 c429ae No. 49
>>48
> there's almost no one here I relate to
Give it time this board is still brand new.
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 06:09:49 c429ae No. 50
>>47
>Are they that terrible at hiding it?
Yes just look at Hikichan.
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Anonymous 08/30/17 (Wed) 06:15:18 c429ae No. 51
>>48
>I've worked hard to get to this level like you wouldn't believe. i suffer from anxiety and other problems so my only means of survival in society comes from the internet.
You anon ARE A TRUE HIKIKOMORI MASTER!!. i think we all wish to be like you anon.
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Hiki 08/30/17 (Wed) 06:57:32 c429ae No. 52
>>48
>I'm not unhappy with being a hiki
And that is okay.
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Hiki 08/30/17 (Wed) 06:58:54 e66928 No. 53
>>12
I went to highschool(dropped out),community college and finally college(dropped out too), mostly dreaded every second outside.The outside world is scary.
I've been mostly inside my parents house for like 2 years since I dropped out college, bar doing some necessary shopping/chores.Kissless virgin too.
I do some exercise inside, to avoid turning into a blob of fat
If being a loser was a competition I'd be a champion. Does that qualify?
Kinda offtopic but I hate when people complain about being timid, having relationship problems or such shit.I want to fucking throw them into a prison for some years so they can grasp the difference.
On the judgmental point, I find that most people couldn't bring themselves to even imagine a situation like a true hikikomori voluntary or not, soonce you fall out of the VERY LIMITED spectrum of what is acceptable to them, their empathy turns off too.You are too different to be a person, like them.
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Hiki 08/30/17 (Wed) 07:41:15 c429ae No. 54
>>53
>I hate when people complain about being timid, having relationship problems or such shit
Same here
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Hikki 08/30/17 (Wed) 08:39:32 c429ae No. 55
>>53
>I went to highschool(dropped out),community college and finally college(dropped out too), mostly dreaded every second outside.The outside world is scary.
>I've been mostly inside my parents house for like 2 years
I can relate to this.
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Hikki 08/30/17 (Wed) 12:36:52 91034d No. 57
>>48
Hmmm, you have changed my impression on you. Not many people can pulled that off.
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Hikki 08/30/17 (Wed) 12:54:51 91034d No. 58
>>53
>I hate when people complain about being timid, having relationship problems or such shit.I want to fucking throw them into a prison for some years so they can grasp the difference.
Too damn right.
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Hikki 08/30/17 (Wed) 22:06:07 2c9d38 No. 62
I lurked on the NEET subreddit for 1-2 years after I learned about the terms "hikikomori" and "NEET". I avoided the hiki communities because I'm not into anime or Japanese cultural things. It's clear that the NEET subreddit is more pretenders than real NEET or hikikomori. Most times it's students or 20s wage slave with relationship problems.
I graduated with a STEM degree then tried and failed to find a job for 1-2 years. I put zero points into leveling up social skills and networking. I even pissed off a professor and burned that bridge real fucking bad. He was in a high position so I was deathly afraid of trying to go back for alumni events or having anything to do with that school again.
In public school I was a shit student so I doubled down in university in order to prove that I wasn't a shit student after all. I graduated with an average GPA but I put everything into trying to get grades which I see now that was a mistake. One because I burned myself out studying so hard. Two because I didn't try socializing until senior year. By then my nerves were so frayed that I couldn't interact with people.
I got less than half a dozen phone screens all of them I blew due to no social skill. There were many long silences and dead air over the phone. All of them ended the interview as fast as possible. I never got a single response back.
That was 8 years ago since I was completely burned out and became total shut in. I have been NEET and shut-in since then. How much more rare are old hiki like me? How many tried and failed this way? I seen more commonly that there are high school grads, high school drop outs, or university drop outs. I have not come across any who got so far as completing degree then failed into hikikomori. It makes sense statistically since degree holders tend to do better than other groups. It makes me feel like an extreme outlier. I hate myself for being a super failure.
My parents are elderly now. My fear is that soon they will die and I will be one of the early examples the final fate which awaits hikikomori.
How do hikikomori with jobs do it? It's a dichotomy. How are you a social recluse and have job? How did you upkeep or obtain the social skills in order to get a job. In the rare times I was forced to go out I can barely interact with people beyond basics.
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Hikki 08/30/17 (Wed) 22:23:30 c429ae No. 63
>>62
> It's clear that the NEET subreddit is more pretenders than real NEET or hikikomori. Most times it's students or 20s wage slave with relationship problems.
True but as the sticky points out the differences between hikikomori" and ."NEET".
>3. There is a difference between hikikomoris and neets neets are simply just unemployed people who don't want to work but still go outside and socialize but some hikikomoris are unemployed neets but unlike normalfag neets they stay inside all the time.
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Hikki 08/30/17 (Wed) 22:29:27 c429ae No. 64
>>62
Your story is very interesting anon.
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Hikki 08/30/17 (Wed) 22:31:34 c429ae No. 65
>>40
You are a great example to hikikomori around the world.
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Hikki 08/30/17 (Wed) 23:15:18 91034d No. 66
>>62
I've been a hikikomori for 10 years now. I didn't bother to go to college after I graduated because I'm afraid to become one of them boring fucks who talk about nothing but college shit. I should have gone and became a dumb fuck normalfag but I didn't want to. I had so many chances over the years, I wasted them by just staying at home and play video games. It's embarrassing as fuck when the rest of my family members have jobs and I'm not doing shit. I don't know how I endured this shit kind of lifestyle but I did. I really want to change things up but I get unmotivated and uninterested the second I even bother to try. That's when social anxiety and depression happens to me. It sucks when there are people out there who mock you because they think they got it better than you or whatever. Fuck those people.
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Hikki 08/30/17 (Wed) 23:48:56 c429ae No. 67
>>66
>I've been a hikikomori for 10 years now
I got you beat i been one for 11 years
>Didn't bother to go to college after I graduated because I'm afraid to become one of them boring fucks who talk about nothing but college shit.
I wanted to go to college for computer programing but my parents wouldn't allow it so instead i just said fuck it and went right back to being a hikikomori
>I don't know how I endured this shit kind of lifestyle but I did. I really want to change things up but I get unmotivated and uninterested the second I even bother to try.
I can relate.
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Hikki 08/30/17 (Wed) 23:58:51 2c9d38 No. 68
>>66
If you ever do go to college then do so when you are ready for a career. I can't emphasize that enough. I got a degree because that's what we're supposed to do but I wasn't in the right head space for it. Stubbornness is one of my biggest faults which probably what drove me through to complete it but otherwise I was not in the right sense of mind for it.
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Hikki 08/31/17 (Thu) 00:49:19 c429ae No. 70
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Hikki 08/31/17 (Thu) 01:23:04 bfebe2 No. 72
I've waxed and waned in my hikkiness.
I dropped out of HS and immediately went to community college. Then I went to regular college, nearly bombed out a few times due to social stress/tfwnogf issues. Graduated with a slightly below-average GPA… and never found work.
I always lock up when I try to write cover letters, look for work… I just stare at the screen and decide to try again later. One time I got a call screen and got called in for an interview… but I decided to cancel because it would've involved commuting into the city and the pay wasn't enough. I wound up working for my father, at home, for about two years.
Finally I decided what I was going to do. I would be a lawyer. So I got into a great law school with a decent scholarship. I had money saved up so I decided I'd spend the summer in another city, away from family and sorta chasing a girl I knew online. That failed, but I blew away my hikkiness! I made friends! Then I went to law school and made more friends!
Then towards the end of first semester, I got really drunk at a party and embarrassed myself. I stopped going out. Stopped sitting with friends in the law library. Made enemies of certain upperclassmen. Just… became quiet again.
Second and third year, when I wasn't going to class, I was staying at home. My mother had to come live with me for awhile. My panic about finding work set back in, and my grades were meh, so I wasn't even looking. So, of course, when I graduated, I didn't even have a job.
I moved home and became a hikki once again. It's been nearly three years. I've paid off nothing on my student loans. I did take and pass the bar exam, but I'm so fucking panicked about fucking up and getting disciplined that I can't bring myself to practice. I need a mentor, and a job, but the application panic sets back in. And I start worrying about my health generally.
I've started doing the real NEET mindset shit. I start doing things like cooking for my parents. Like my job is supposed to be taking care of the house rather than getting out there and having a career.
This summer, I got my first girlfriend. Online of course. I flew out to meet her, things were great initially, but her craziness blew it up (this actually wasn't my fault). I'm not feeling depressed over that so much, but I'm home again… and just not sure what the fuck to do. I want a job, but I'm scared to apply.
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Hikki 08/31/17 (Thu) 01:56:57 36ec71 No. 73
>>66
>I don't know how I endured this shit kind of lifestyle but I did.
While I identify with the majority of your post, as well as much of what has been shared by others, this one line resonated with me like no other. I'm legit perplexed by how anyone can choose to live and endure the life I have for so many years and yet here I am doing it. You'd think at some point I would do something .
That has always been a thing with me going all the way back to highschool. I thought i would find "something" that would encourage me to pursue it as a path. Whether it be something I like, something other people respond positively to or something I have a gut feeling for. Anything to give me a reason to pursue; purpose to commit. Instead, everything I have tried just goes nowhere and feels pointless. That is when they didn't set me back by destroying what little confidence I had build up to make the attempt in the first place. I have just been knocked down and undercut so many times.
I've come to the conclusion that I just need to lower my expectations so much further than I want to. At this point, any expectations of having a career are so remote that I shouldn't even entertain them. I feel like I just need to force myself to find the shittiest job possible. Not even care about doing a good job or being fired. Just find one, force myself to show up, go through the motions and keep repeating until I am fired of something better comes along.
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Hikki 08/31/17 (Thu) 02:07:20 c429ae No. 74
>>72
>>73
Good luck out there in the world anon glad you are trying to recover from being a hikikomori
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Hikki 08/31/17 (Thu) 03:59:33 63f770 No. 79
I stumbled across this board while browsing through the boards on the front page out of boredom. I'm not an avid anime viewer, so I wasn't familiar with the term 'hikikomori.' After reading the sticky and browsing this thread, I realized I just stumbled on a board created for people just like me. It's actually a bit comforting.
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Hikki 08/31/17 (Thu) 04:06:44 c429ae No. 80
>>79
Welcome to the board anon.
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Hikki 08/31/17 (Thu) 05:12:23 9cfc64 No. 81
>>72
> girlfriend
> flew out to meet her
Goddamn normalfags infiltrate this board in its infantry. Let's see how the mods deal with him, will this site turn into another shitpool of pretenders? What happening next will not shock you
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Hikki 08/31/17 (Thu) 05:24:41 91034d No. 82
>>72
Reading that and then the girlfriend thing was kinda cringe.
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Hikki 08/31/17 (Thu) 05:30:32 c429ae No. 83
>>82
>Reading that and then the girlfriend thing was kinda cringe.
Agreed
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Hikki 08/31/17 (Thu) 09:48:55 01bb68 No. 86
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Hikki 08/31/17 (Thu) 09:51:58 b257b0 No. 87
>>86
>I saw what you did there
What do you mean by this?.
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Hikki 08/31/17 (Thu) 12:26:44 261741 No. 88
I was a Hikki for almost 4 years from 20 to 24. Quit my job at the time with the intentions of getting healthy and lose weight while looking for another job. Pretty much the complete opposite happened. Depression got worse and eventually developed OCD.
No friends online or offline. Just posted on 4chan, browsed the internet, listened to music, played games, and slept all day. Didn't leave the house once for 2 full years. When I realized this I went for a walk at 2am because I was too scared to go during the day. I made going for a walk a bi-weekly thing. And that's pretty much what I did for 3 years, until I was going crazy one day breaking down to my mom and she suggested that I go to the doctor for anti-depressants. I went and got them but the doctor also said I should go to therapy.
2 months later I started therapy, and talked to a mental health doctor and my therapist once a week. Took some group therapy sessions for depression, social anxiety, and OCD. This went on for a year and they eventually helped me get a job as a janitor overnight at a mall. It felt good to finally not be a hikki, but I quit after 4 months because a breakdown I was having because of my OCD. Regretted it a few weeks later and knew I couldn't become a hikki again so I looked for jobs and got one 4 months later. Worked there for 8 months, and quit a month ago because it was understaffed, and underpaid.
Now here I am, looking for another job. Still no friends. Still never leave the house unless it was for work. Still have depression and ocd, but I have made tons of progress and lost a lot of weight while working those jobs.
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Hikki 08/31/17 (Thu) 13:19:52 b257b0 No. 89
>>88
Holy shit your story is very similar to mine.
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Hikki 09/01/17 (Fri) 06:25:20 2d66cd No. 92
>>88
It baffles me how you're able to get a job and I can't. At all. You have OCD, depression, social anxiety and I have a hard time just simply filling out an application. As for interviews? When I get lucky to get one, only to bomb it right away.
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Hikki 09/01/17 (Fri) 06:44:59 b257b0 No. 95
>>92
>I have a hard time just simply filling out an application. As for interviews? When I get lucky to get one, only to bomb it right away.
This is also me.
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Hikki 09/01/17 (Fri) 06:53:57 261741 No. 96
>>92
Well the mental health center helped with that first job, and the only that I got after was an overnight position at a grocery store that is always understaffed and will take pretty much anyone. But currently I am having a hard time getting a new job.
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Hikki 09/01/17 (Fri) 08:25:46 e1bd88 No. 98
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Hikki 09/01/17 (Fri) 08:31:34 b257b0 No. 101
>>98
>Banned? For what?
Read the sticky anon.
>Pretenders and normalfags will be banned
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Hikki 09/01/17 (Fri) 10:34:00 139372 No. 104
>>92
Just the idea of going for a job interview makes me feel sick to my stomach, don't know how people work up the courage or not worry about fucking it up completely.
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Hikki 09/01/17 (Fri) 10:37:35 b257b0 No. 106
>>104
>Just the idea of going for a job interview makes me feel sick to my stomach
Same here
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Hikki 09/01/17 (Fri) 13:41:39 245be6 No. 109
>>92
>>104
It takes most of my mental and physical energy to be present for an interview. Nothing is left for the task of selling myself to them.
I get short on breath doing a phone call and it can be heard over the phone.
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Hikki 09/01/17 (Fri) 14:49:18 e96e40 No. 112
>>104
>>106
I have only ever had 4 interviews in my life, only 2 went well, and I'm currently unemployed. It's very difficult to psych yourself up for it. But I think the best advice I could give is this: Don't be afraid to fail, because if you fail, that just means you get to retreat back to your room, and bask in the warmth of your own comfort-zone.
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Hikki 09/02/17 (Sat) 06:59:40 b257b0 No. 130
>>112
>I have only ever had 4 interviews in my life
I have had about 8 different ones in the last 2 years only showed up to 3 only 2 out of those 3 went well.
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Hikki 09/02/17 (Sat) 18:40:12 1982e0 No. 135
I have been an unemployed shut in for about 4 years.
I don't have anxiety about leaving the house like an average Japanese hikki but I choose not to out of comfort.
I do have severe anxiety about interacting with people in work, school, and social settings, I have aspergers and am essentially retarded when it comes to human interaction.
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Hikki 09/02/17 (Sat) 21:26:25 b257b0 No. 138
>>135
>I don't have anxiety about leaving the house like an average Japanese hikki but I choose not to out of comfort.
>I do have severe anxiety about interacting with people in work, school, and social settings,
Same
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Hikki 09/07/17 (Thu) 04:59:26 01dacd No. 179
I've been without friends for 9 years. I've been shut in for 6 years. I went on IRC the other day and kept waiting for a chance to jump into the conversation but couldn't do it.
I can't even relate to anyone anymore, not even the superficial bullshit things.
This life is hell. I just fell off the tracks and now you can never get back on.
I gathered up my balls and sought counseling from my city. Even my counselor looks at me with contempt.
I can't put this pain into words but I can't stop doing this to myself. My gut is churning even posting here.
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Hikki 09/07/17 (Thu) 05:52:36 b257b0 No. 180
>>179
>I can't put this pain into words but I can't stop doing this to myself. My gut is churning even posting here.
Do not be afraid anon you definitely do have a place here with us as most of the people here can relate to one another this place is a comfy board for all true hikkis.
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引きこもり 02/17/19 (Sun) 17:22:17 add74e No. 7032
Yeah. I'm in the same predicament myself. Hikkichan was, indeed, a pretty nauseating place while it existed. Probably for the best it got flushed down the proverbial toilet. Even sites like Wizchan aren't much better. It's never been much of a place for hermits, especially so these days. Far more non-hermits than hermits, which can certainly feel a bit alienating. That's not even mentioning all the wanton shitposting, aggression, and all around general stupidity that's been plaguing it for years now. No catharsis anywhere. No respite to be found. Just more of the same, except worse. In end though, I'd much rather browse a peaceful graveyard filled with my own kind, which is what it seems to be here, than a festering swamp populated with outside dwellers of all stripes (ala Wizchan & pretty much anywhere else).
Personally, I've been a NEET hermit for about 12 years now (got my NEETbux about 6-7 years ago, with included backpay), but have, more or less, depended on my parents my entire life and was, even at a young age, a very reserved & clingy child. I've always had some form of a comfort zone here (as imperfect as it could be at certain times in the past), which essentially never made me want to leave or do anything else. Nothing ever mattered to me, other than remaining in the safety of my space. Not going to school, not making friends, not making money. Just staying here. From the day I was born that has, and still is, been literally my only goal/wish in life. On that note, I do truly feel that I was simply born with the essence of a hermit woven into me. Maybe I was a Hindu or Buddhist monk living in a cave in a past life and I just carried that attitude verbatim into this one. Ludicrous, of course, but it's a fun thought to entertain regardless. Almost the only explanation that makes any sense, frankly.
I only made it as far as high school (dropped out after the end of my first year, after very sporadic attendance), which then followed with a brief stint at a video store that following Summer, before I withdrew completely from the world. That was pretty much the only one real job I've ever had in my entire life (outside of being a paperboy with my brother as a little kid). My time there was quite brief (about two weeks, I think). I was never pressured to get the job and was really just looking to get some extra cash for myself, but quit after I couldn't be bothered to get there anymore. I was a pretty big fuck up at that job, though. Let a customer go without paying, accidentally took the store keys home with me because I forgot that they were still in my back pocket, broke the bathroom sink after I was tasked with cleaning the store's popcorn dispenser (etc.) Sometime afterwards though, once I was starting to regret my decision to quit (it was a pretty laid back job all things considered and the video store itself was quite nice and even stocked lots of fan memorabilia, figurines & video games), my mother ended up telling me that, apparently, the manager himself had actually phoned here at one point, in the brief time while I was still working there, and was genuinely curious to know if I had a learning disability, or not. It actually explained a lot, to be honest. The guy did seem to have a lot of confused disdain for me. As if I was the dumbest cunt he had ever met. I recall him scolding me for not using the "right" broom when I was sweeping up one night. I mean a broom's a broom, who gives a shit. According to my mother, it would seem that he was literally on the verge of firing my ass for gross incompetence, so basically, unbeknownst to myself at the time, me quitting robbed him of the opportunity to do so. But, oh well. Knowing that, I'm just glad I was able to be such a nuisance to him on my way out the door. Hope he had fun fixing that sink. Prick.
(Continued below…)
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引きこもり 02/17/19 (Sun) 17:22:37 add74e No. 7033
>>7032
Anyway, aside from recently upgrading my PC with some new hardware, I don't really spend my monthly NEETbux very much, if at all. I am "saving it" in a way by reinvesting the money back in improving/renovating my parent's house, which will eventually be my house someday (assuming the damn thing ever gets fully paid off, that is). If the mortgage wasn't an issue then, short of societal collapse (which itself is a very distinct possibility to happen within the next 10 years, frankly), I'd more or less be set for life. My parents have never had any qualms with my being an inert hermit and are, more or less, the perfect guardians for one such as myself. They fully accept that my WizNEETing isn't really a choice at this point, assuming it ever really was, and that I was more or less just born & destined for this life and, thus, accept me for who I am, as we all take care of each other the best we can. They're more than happy to leave me the house, but again, I just don't see how the mortgage will ever be paid off before they die unless either I or my parents (who are relatively old themselves now, Mom is mid 50's, Dad is early 60's) get a sizeable inheritance of some kind or we otherwise win the lottery, so in the end it's all somewhat of a waste. Hopefully the dominoes will all fall the right way for things to work out, but either way what can you do. I do sometimes wish I had caught the shooting star of the bitcoin craze somehow. Then we could all be living in a nice big three story house with total financial security. Like most who fantasize about easy fortunes they missed the boat on, it hurts quite a lot to think about.
There's also the possibility that my brother might end up subsidizing my existence after my parents can no longer do so, since he makes quite a lot of money doing research at a private firm and making knick knack furniture in his off time for bored rich people with more dollars than sense, and is going into a career in medicine that will probably make him even more money. Maybe he'll end up paying for everything, but again. Who can say. All depends on how the chips fall. Tossed about just like a ship on the ocean.
Ultimately, the only thing I want, or have ever really wanted, out of life is security to my NEETdom. Aside from my aforementioned gaming oriented PC, I have zero appetite for anything else. Not drugs, not food, not other miscellaneous consumer goods. Nothing. Ever since I was a kid, I've always had a startling lack of desire for the material. Maintaining & preserving my small comfort zone, while filling it with a few modest distractions (relative to the insane greed & gluttony of your average normo), is something I have been, and still am, more than content with. I just want to live out the rest of my life in this dusty house, living my very close to literal Oldboy-like existence (as I have been for the last 12 years) and then die.
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引きこもり 02/17/19 (Sun) 17:27:23 add74e No. 7034
>>7033
As an aside, despite having quite a pampered existence for the most part, I've sometimes fantasized about living out the rest of my days in a Yume Nikki styled apartment suspended in an endless sky. Exploring my dreams in total isolation from everything & everyone. Laying out on the balcony feeling the night air lightly breeze against me. Free from causing or being victim to any more suffering or tragedy. I'd like that all very much. Nonexistence being the greatest boon of all of course, but you know. This being second to that.
I've always hated that moment when the sunlight from outside starts to bleed inside my room through the tiny slit openings along the sides & top of my curtains. I've sometimes thought about taping them down, but enh. I'm not sure I'd like the look of that, to be honest, though I'm not sure why I care.
Really, if only this were Alaska. Near permanent night would suit me just fine. My sleeping is all over the place anyway. Wake up at 3:00 PM go to bed at 7:00 AM, wake up at 10:30 PM go to bed at 11:00 AM, round & round in a circle. I've always found it funny how I'll sometimes have a brief period of "normalcy" in the aforementioned cycle, where I'll go to bed at 9:30 PM or something and wake up at 7:00 or 8:00 in the morning, before once again returning to going to sleep at 6:00 PM and waking up at 1:00 AM. It's not often for me I feel this way given how long I've been like this, but it's still a bit surreal sometimes going to bed when its sunlight/night and waking up and having it still be the same thing outside. I still get my Viatamin D, albeit briefly, when I go to the toilet, at least. I suppose one might call that a joke. Haha.
I spend a lot of time napping (even though I often wake up groggy/bagfaced, since sleeping for only 30 minutes to an hour often does that to me), staring at the carpet, and forcing myself to play video games in spite of years long anhedonia because otherwise I'd just be staring at the carpet all day or napping. Despite all these many years, I still feel the need to "do" something with my time, so I accomplish that by playing/finishing whatever video games happen to interest me. Not to mention that staring at the carpet is boring and I can only nap so much in the day, so despite not really enjoying it, I just play video games because that's all there is. Browsing the internet doesn't hold my attention for long most days since I have nowhere to go, nothing to look up (aside from porn), and nothing to watch. I have nothing, but dripping contempt for forums/message boards. They mean nothing to me, aside from making long, rambly self-indulgent posts like this one. It'd be nice if life itself didn't have such a dreadful aura of restlessness attached to it, but oh well. What're you gonna do about it, other than patiently wait for the inevitable, of course. Whatever. My favorite word in the English language.
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引きこもり 02/18/19 (Mon) 08:30:36 5854f5 No. 7047
YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play. >>7045
>It's way too big, though
Our house is a cheap Canadian bungalow built in the 50's that's about the size of a shoebox and, to most people I'd imagine, be barely seem fit to house even two people, let alone an entire family. We're barely a step up from the "Trailer Park Boys", assuming you've ever heard of that show. I don't even know how both me & my brother growing up managed to survive stuffed up in this sardine can without all the walls getting splattered with blood in the process. The lack of space here has long been a point of great stress, especially for me. Neither of us had our own rooms and were forced to share one a lot would consider the size of a closet. The hilarity being we never even used it as such, since it basically just became the computer area for the family and a walk in storage closet for random crap, since there was never any other place to put such things. In the end, no one had the luxury of private space or a room, not even my parents. I slept in the living room with my Dad, me on a mattress on the floor and him in a cot in the hallway near the front door, & my brother slept in my Mom's room. The day my brother left for university and started living on his own was such a momentous one for me, since it meant there'd be one less person taking up space here and more room to actually breathe. However, even when he comes back to visit he still needs to sleep in the same bed as my Mother since it's still the only bedroom in the house and there's literally nowhere else for someone to sleep. He left sometime in 2010, but it wasn't until late 2016 that I finally got my own room after a long road of constant struggle, which included much scrimping and saving along with many heated arguments with my parents. The living room was refitted to serve as a living space for me with a door I could lock and everything. My Dad had begun to live/sleep in our basement since about 2014, which made the arrangement a perfect one since everyone (me in the living room, my mom in her room/the computer room, and my father in the basement) all finally had our own corners to retreat to. It all sounds rather frighteningly awful and, I suppose in a lot of ways, it kinda was. Being constantly exposed for all those many years in an open space and never knowing a single moment of privacy as a result, created a lot of unnecessary anguish & misery. Nowadays though, what with finally having a room of my own and all, it ain't so bad. I sleep on a rather comfy pull-out bed and have more or less transformed the once living room into a cozy pod apartment of sorts. Funny though how I still stand in awe of anyone with a three story house. I remember when me and my brother were kids and how our father dragged us to a family reunion this one time, full of distant cousins and our relatives I'd never met before. It was being hosted in this huge fancy McMansion that may as well had been Buckingham Palace to my young eyes. I remember how the kid who lived there showed us his room and me being absolutely gob smacked by the size of it and the fact he even had one just for him. I think I even spoke the words at one point, "Wow, you have your own room?". Pretty sad, I guess.
We're actually renovating the basement right now, which, as a result, has led to my father now sleeping in my Mom's computer area/storage room on top of an old treadmill, since he refuses to sleep in the same bed as her and, in fact, never has. Just gives you an idea on how, even to this day, things are still shockingly imperfect. Hopefully he'll be back down there in the next few months. I'd also like to build an umbilical to our garage, which was transformed a few years ago from a rotten dumping ground for trash into a solid structure fit to serve as an extension to the rest of the house. I'm hoping it can do just that and become almost a pseudo-second level to the rest of the house. Just need the time & money to finish it off, basically.
>to ever be able to pay for it.
You got any NEETbux or disability coming in? Surely that should be enough to cover it. I know it can in my case, but, again, I have a much smaller/shittier house, so there's that. My mother has been unemployed for going on almost 3 decades now and my father only makes 50-60 thousand dollars a year as an employment counselor at a local government run office which he's been at for the last 35-37 years. Just enough to keep everything afloat basically, but not much else. Once, or if, it ever gets paid off, utilities is basically all I'll have to worry about, which my NEETbux should be able to cover.
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引きこもり 02/18/19 (Mon) 08:35:33 5854f5 No. 7049
>>7047 (You)
(Continued from my last post. The word limit on this site is rather restrictive to be honest)
>>7045
>Even if I got a job (unlike you, I have never had one), it would never be enough, since continuing my education would be intolerable and jobs that pay well are not things that I would be able to do for more than a day or two before running back home.
I wouldn't even be able to do that. I'd sooner fling myself off the nearest bridge and drown (I don't know how to swim). Just because I had a part time job for two to three weeks 12 years ago, doesn't make me all that capable. If anything it only strengthens my conviction to never be in a position where I'd have return to that kind of shit. I'd say I got off pretty easy, though, given how brief my stint was with employment in general. Many have had to endure far worse in the working world after all.
>A small apartment is all I need.
I think I'd hate an apartment because what if you're living next to some annoying asshole who ends up tormenting you in some way. Think how Satou was forced to listen to that "Purin Purin" shit over & over again because the walls were so thin. I'd be way too cowardly & timid to make a fuss over it like he did, which means I'd just be at the mercy of whatever asshole happened to be next door. On the reverse, I'd be too scared to play anything loud because what if someone complains to the management and they come kicking down my door. Too much potential anxiety for me. Besides, I've already had to grapple with shit like that for most of my life already.
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引きこもり 02/18/19 (Mon) 08:48:28 5854f5 No. 7050
>>7047
>My mother has been unemployed for going on almost 3 decades
That's actually not true and is rather unfair to her actually. Not sure why I said that. She's had many jobs throughout the years. Just none she could make a full career out of. She's worked as a seamstress, a customer service representative at Sears, and, lastly, with an insurance company as a signing agent, which was about 10 years ago now.
I'm always saddened by the fact that my mother is actually a very talented woman and once had a well paying job in medicine that she gave up when she met my father. There was even opportunities for her to become a school teacher of some kind way back when, but she never pursued them. The extra money certainly would've been nice, but, in many ways, she's a NEET hermit like me, so I can't blame her for dropping out of everything. Besides, she's largely the reason things are basically as comfy around here as they are, what with being my main confidant/shield to the outside world. I'd never have gotten my NEETbux if it weren't for her diligently filling out all the forms and making sure I got what I needed, for instance.
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