The Esoteric Secrets of Defecation 08/21/16 (Sun) 22:34:24 No. 82473 [View All]
The average person spends at least 45 minutes a day defecating. That's 11 days per year, or 2.5 years of your lifetime wasted on inefficient defecation. This is time that can be freed up for personal improvement activities such as meditation. Furthermore, improper defecation leaves you vulnerable to spiritual mischief. In this thread I will uncover the secrets of defecation taught to generations of professional alcoyotes.
The first rule is no premature shitting. Just as we eat when we aren't really hungry, getting fat, we shit before we need to. You should only shit when you have a properly full colon and the need is urgent.
The second rule is to have proper log formation. This is achieved by adding enough fiber to your diet, but not so much that you are constipated. The goal is a uniform, dense log that slides out nice and smoothly without leaving much of a mess. Ideally it would leave next to no mess on your anus. Proper exercise is also crucial to get your guts moving so they can digest properly, as is a good diet not too high in fat.
The third rule is haste. When you shit, push it out firmly and aim to empty your colon completely in a few seconds. If there is any "remainder" (there shouldn't be if you followed the second rule) rock bath and forth on the toilet and/or lift up to bounce up and down a little.
The fourth rule is position. Proper colonical orientation is a force multiplier. The squatting position is ideal, install specialized or trough-style toilets if possible, though squatty potty is also great.
The fifth and final rule is total sanitation. Toilet paper won't do. Try a bidet, incorporating morning defecation with your shower to clean your anus, or in a pinch sit on a sink and clean your anus with soap.
You now know the secrets to master shitting on your way to enlightenment.
25 postsand1 image replyomitted. Click reply to view. ____________________________
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04/23/18 (Mon) 07:04:53 No. 119185
I'm shocked nobody gave a crap to continue this thread
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04/23/18 (Mon) 11:14:48 No. 119215
>45 mins of shitting daily
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04/23/18 (Mon) 17:49:56 No. 119234
>>119215
45 mins of shitting daily are 45 mins not spent on oculist bullshitting.
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04/25/18 (Wed) 12:43:00 No. 119350
pro tip: if you buy whole flax seeds and chia seeds and rolled oats and rye flour, get a nutribullet RX and blend the chia and flax into seed meal (right before using for max freshness) and then blend the rolled oats into oat flour, maybe use some buckwheat flour too if you like, and mix all that together and add a bunch of canned pumpkin and some yeast and water, mix it up into a dough and let it rise for 2 hours or whatever amount you know it needs to rise (assuming you have done this recipe before) maybe mix in some dark chocolate chunks into it before
then you gently roll it out and dust it with oat flour so you can work it without it sticking to your hands and get a cookie sheet and make baguett shapes out of it (so it's not too thick and can cook inside) and just bake it for 10 minutes on a lower heat so the inside cooks and then put it on high bread baking heat for the rest of the cooking so it rises up and gets crispy crust.
this is the best bread ever, with or without the chocolate. also gives THE BEST POOPS.
I am NOT a doctor. Ask your doctor before doing or not doing anything!
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04/25/18 (Wed) 15:55:25 No. 119355
>>119350
We must secure the existence of our toilets and a future for proper defecation.
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04/25/18 (Wed) 16:45:09 No. 119363
>>119355
where we're going, we don't need toilets.
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04/25/18 (Wed) 20:13:25 No. 119370
>>119350
Flaxseed has more estrogens than soy. Enjoy your esoteric manboobs.
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04/25/18 (Wed) 21:20:01 No. 119373
>>82473
10/10
If you ever feel like you have a general malaise going on.. down some fiber pills for a couple of days. Once you start pushing out monolithic power shits like the OP describes you will notice a surge of energy. Why? because when you are eating like ass and not getting enough fiber on top of it your intestines wind up hogging a ton of energy, as well as consuming a ton of Vitamin D (Vit. D is vital to higher cognitive function, and also to digestion, so if your guts working over time your brains not gonna be getting enough vitamin D..)
Also, OP made with some good shitposting so I feel the need to contribute…
What is shit?
Shit is dropped by every animal.
Disgusting; foul to every sense
It is what falls from you. What falls from you is your fruit. With a single turd a wise man can deduce all the information that exists about the one that dropped it. Shit is knowledge and wisdom in its purest of forms.
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04/26/18 (Thu) 09:33:49 No. 119387
>>119373
So Bullshit Occultism is for real…
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04/26/18 (Thu) 20:25:49 No. 119399
>>119370
>I eat tofu almost every day
>I eat flax seeds almost every day
>only eat it organic to avoid the highly estrogenic pesticides
>I don't worry about the good cancer risk reducing phytoestrogens
>I'm totally fine
MEANWHILE every cuck in the world says "oh my fuck don't eat soy or flax it's got estrogen!"- as they drink a glass of cows milk and eat chicken. guess how much estrogen that stuff has. and a much worse kind. guess! you hypocrite.
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04/26/18 (Thu) 20:28:05 No. 119400
>>119373
>comparing knowledge and wisdom to shit
I'm sure knowledge and wisdom is better than shit.
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04/27/18 (Fri) 03:50:10 No. 119414
>>119400
Or.. you could try to consider things in abstraction.
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04/27/18 (Fri) 03:50:57 No. 119415
>>119399
>dat false equivocation
soyboy spotted
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04/27/18 (Fri) 09:59:06 No. 119421
>>119415
Only a goy toy can be this upset.
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04/27/18 (Fri) 15:15:36 No. 119428
>>82473
>45 min on the shitter
Dont you folk eat fiber? Holy fuck.
Also, at work it might be a 45 minute toilet break.
Boss makes a dollar while I make a dime, that's why I poop on company time.
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04/30/18 (Mon) 12:54:46 No. 119533
>>119415
>anything I disagree with is false equivotron robots in disguise
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04/30/18 (Mon) 20:45:09 No. 119552
>>82544
what is wrong with you?
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SAGE! 05/01/18 (Tue) 11:21:15 No. 119564
>>82473
>The average person spends at least 45 minutes a day defecating.
More like 4.5 minutes
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05/05/18 (Sat) 02:00:15 No. 119680
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05/05/18 (Sat) 08:09:11 No. 119699
>>119399
Never understood that meme, beer has way more estrogen that actually affects your hormone receptors unlike the phytoestrogen which after trying to be used by the body it detects it doesn't work and toss it around.
People buy too easy into the meme itself instead of enjoying the irony of it
And also have low trust on their body to handle this substances automatically.
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05/06/18 (Sun) 02:21:14 No. 119751
>>119699
yea it's like they're so afraid of some tofu but they'll drink and eat all this steak and beer while completely ignoring all it's animal (and hops specific) estrogen content.
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05/06/18 (Sun) 03:29:41 No. 119755
>>119751
>>119699
So what should I eat to avoid the estrogens? No Milk, no chicken, no soy, no industrialized stuff, what else?
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05/06/18 (Sun) 12:33:58 No. 119768
>>119755
What sort of pathetic worm do you have to be to actively wanting avoid what constitutes as irrelevant amounts of estrogen? Just fucking eat healthy and trust your body.
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05/20/18 (Sun) 04:31:57 No. 120242
Thread kinda went to shit, but there is some legit esoteric info about shit / shitting in the occult.
Yoga Gurus of old would stand in a stream after evacuating letting water flow up their ass to clean it.
The human body is a walking forest of microbes, and these can be seen as "others". Minimizing ones content of the "other" gets you closer to purity. This is the origin of the enema craze among mundane yuppies.
Also, you collect crap and piss all year, keep adding it to straw & leaves, and do alchemy to it making anything from soap to guncloth.
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05/20/18 (Sun) 10:05:19 No. 120252
>>120242
>Yoga Gurus
D E S I G N A T E D
E
S
I
G
N
A
T
E
D
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SAGE! 05/20/18 (Sun) 13:58:29 No. 120253
>>119768
>irrelevant amounts
Yeah, the bluepill fits for you very well
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05/20/18 (Sun) 16:00:45 No. 120255
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SAGE! 05/20/18 (Sun) 23:51:48 No. 120275
>>120255
It is relevant. That's why they pour hormones on bovine so they grow extremely faster and bigger. Do you think this is "irrelevant"? Do you think this won't end up in their milk?
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12/27/18 (Thu) 15:21:37 No. 127081
>>82473
This should be stickied/required reading.
>>82478
Go away CIA
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12/28/18 (Fri) 12:29:44 No. 127094
>>82473
>45 minutes a day defecating
No.
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SAGE! 01/01/19 (Tue) 21:35:08 No. 127155
>>82473
>45 minutes a day defecating
are you a vegetarian or some shit
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02/19/19 (Tue) 16:41:32 No. 128707
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02/20/19 (Wed) 19:06:47 No. 128743
>>82473
I need a guide for how to overcome kratom shits
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08/01/19 (Thu) 21:37:04 No. 134233
>>82473
>The fifth and final rule is total sanitation. Toilet paper won't do. Try a bidet, incorporating morning defecation with your shower to clean your anus, or in a pinch sit on a sink and clean your anus with soap.
This is literally why white people have so many problems
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08/03/19 (Sat) 21:08:09 No. 134406
>>82511
All that baby wipes do is smear the shit all over the place.
You can buy a portable bidet that fits into toiletry bag/daypack/fanny pack. There is no reason to use wet wipes anywhere you have running water available (e.g. in a bathroom).
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08/04/19 (Sun) 00:03:31 No. 134418
YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play. >>134406
Thanks, that's what I thought. I appreciate the response all these years later, it was a conversation I had with someone on /b/ like 5 years ago that someone tried convincing me that wet wipes are an acceptable alternative…
Squatting and washing master race reporting in
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08/04/19 (Sun) 20:18:32 No. 134505
>>82473
toilets are for crowd control.
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05/18/20 (Mon) 23:37:35 No. 134556
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05/19/20 (Tue) 09:27:40 No. 134561
Honestly you people laugh at toilet paper hoarders, but you really dont have enough toilet paper yourselves. The average person uses 1 roll per day. If you have a family of 4, that's 28 rolls a week. Over 100 a month. TP will be worth its weight in gold in a few months, because everyone needs it.
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05/19/20 (Tue) 17:11:51 No. 134567
>>134561
… But the thing with averages is that there is always one outlier. For example if you have a group of healthy people and there is one person with irritable bowel syndrome, that person will need more toilet paper.
Depending on the form of average you are calculating, that will affect the figure of the average for the rest.
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05/19/20 (Tue) 17:50:43 No. 134568
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05/19/20 (Tue) 19:20:25 No. 134571
>>134561
>The average person uses 1 roll per day
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05/20/20 (Wed) 08:24:09 No. 134587
>>83008
thats because a jewish asshole isnt like a goyim one, it rips itself open and reheals everytime, they have to say the prayer so it will heal back up. a jew can die if they dont do this. this is why they cut the foreskins off their anuses so that they cant survive their shits if they leave the religion. total control, very disturbing.
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05/24/20 (Sun) 09:22:52 No. 134694
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05/24/20 (Sun) 16:07:17 No. 134697
I can't believe this thread is almost 4 years old.
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05/24/20 (Sun) 18:32:03 No. 134699
>>134697
What is unbelievable about that?
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05/25/20 (Mon) 04:23:19 No. 134703
>>82511
>>134406
baby wipes are bad for your plumbing & municipal sewage system, even when they claim to be flushable
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12/14/23 (Thu) 17:39:35 No. 142381
How do you cure hemorrhoids with wizardry?
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12/14/23 (Thu) 18:52:56 No. 142382
>>142381
Energy work on the root chakra.
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12/29/23 (Fri) 09:37:31 No. 142383
>>134697
I cannot believe this comment is over three years old
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