/fringe/ - Fringe

I've been diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. I was diagnosed when I was about 15. I'm 33 now. I used to talk to people in my head. I had no control over it. They called it acute schizo affective. I started drinking heavily and lost my job. Got on disability. Now after years of abusing myself - living on the streets, eating at churches and spending every penny on booze or drugs I am full blown functioning paranoid. I hear voices but don't remember what they say. Most of the voices are women. I'm convinced that these voices are real people. People I've met or people that the people I've met know and they are colluding together to make my life a nightmare. The voices are very close to or actually inside my left side of my head. This can be very uncomfortable when seeking balance. I have an irrational fear of people. Sometimes if I walk to the store I pass people on the street I'm sure those people are getting inside my head and conspiring to make my life a living hell. The anxiety is literally palpable. I take medications for the anxiety (nothing good) but I take too much of it because the dose prescribed isn't enough. I'm supposed to take 600 mg three times a day I take about 3800 mg twice a day.

I was in jail a couple months ago and got a hold of an introduction to theosophy.

Is there any explanation to what's wrong with me. Sometimes I feel like if I could just learn one sacred truth I would be fine for the rest of my life and if suffering is integral to happiness then where is my happiness.