/doomer/ - Doomers Club

>>13461

GTFO faggot

Fucking hell OP go outside

>>13466

Damn she's thicc

>>13466

I don't know what spring does to me but I'm pretty sure few months back I wouldn't even feel anything but right now I'm thinking about stuff I'd do to this mutt thot; which at least half of it would be considered cardinal sin by Vatican.

>>13470

Humans go through cycles, like every other animal. it's called the merry, merry month of may for a reason.

>>13473

Forgot to add that I am not an atheist.

>>13474

What are you then?

>>13475

>Brazil

e ai meu amigo macoco nossa mano Vida e uma puts, meu pt e ruim disculpa

>What are you then?

I don't think I'm able to write what I am, partly due to the fact there is too much to say, and partly due to the fact that I don't know. Put in a very short tl;dr: my whole childhood and adolescence I was abused emotionally, physically, and sexually. I became very mentally ill and ended up spending 3.5 months in a mental institution. I used to be angry at the world, but that anger turned inwards and after a series of very trumatic at the institution when I was 15 I stopped feeling and became void of all emotions (with the very very occasional bout of sadness and dispair). 6 years later I am fueled to live by my fear of death, I am too discontent with life to do anything with it, but I am too apathetic to die. Is what I am, cursed from the beginning and cursed to the end.

This test is about as accurate is the political compass test.

>>13463

>>13462

i knew you niggers would score normie

uncool normie

this test is crap btw

>>13499

is there an example of wizard powers you can share? i dont see how being an over-30 virgin makes you magical.

I just want to see all the icons for each category.

>>13599

did you meet any mentally ill qts?

>>13605

Yeah, that's really interesting. When I was being detained for evaluation, I met this one girl who kept talking about her underwear and kept telling me that I was cute. I don't know what disorder she she was suffering from, but she had no inhibitions at all. It's a shame too, because it seemed like she was smart and would have had great future ahead of her. I did not encounter any religious/paranoid types though… would have made for an interesting conversation.

>>13605

that was cute of you

did you exchange emails/phones?

you need to make sure she is safe and your sigil works

>>13474

I got the same result and I'm not an atheist either. Back in the days post we2 we'd likely be normies but thanks to regressive parenting, schooling, and wider perception now WE'RE the fedora tippers. Such gay retarded times we live in.

>>13907

Interesting point but I don't share your sentiment

I just came to terms that my family, especially the mother's side, is utter genetic trash. They should have never been allowed to reproduce.

So I don't really hate them but I just feel disgusted when I think of them.

Also parenting is very important in life. If you are raised by retards, they are probably responsible for your fucked up ways because they taught you the wrong things in life or nothing at all. Many parents think they only need to give you a roof and 3 meals a day and you will bloom into a productive member of society just like that. In reality it does not work like that…

>you rebel and you don't uncheck the box at the end

>it directs you to a page that says "you didn't uncheck the box"

True rebel doomer right here.

apparently I am a cool normie, fuckoff whoever made this.

>>14018

fellow cool normie checking in. Apparently, pessimism is what separates a cool normie from a plain ol' normie. And if I were more outgoing, I'd be a 'based normie. WTF?

>>14022

I guess the idea is that if you can socialize you are a normie? I can interact with people and have polite/bar conversation, but all of reality seems to be this incredible sham/clownworld and I can't relate to anyone I know or speak with. The phrase "alone in a crowd" comes to mind. I think you can still be doomer and be socially competent.

>>14888

fitting GET.

As I always thought: the anti-normie folks of /doomer and /r9k are overcompensating their aimlessness with right-wing nihilism. You guys think you're different from normies with your "muh wimin" or "muh niggers" or "muh millennialz and zoomer sheeeitt" but almost any "normie" has had these same sentiments you have.

The genuine disgust of modernity you all have is not rare.

>>14954

The real redpill is understanding that most doomers wear a mask in public interaction that allows them to act like normies but disdain speaking to people and lack the motivation to make friends.

You don't have to be a normalshit to appear normal.

>>14955

This is all very true, so I try to keep the anti-normie kvetching to a minimum in my own posts. AFAICT, There is far less of it here than on the other board.

>genuine disgust of modernity you all have is not rare.

This makes the lack of a coherent resistance to modernity all the more baffling. It's like traditionalists, good-faith lefties, and Uncle Ted-ists have all felt the various organs that comprise the beast, but no one has the whole picture.

>>14955

And on the flip side, those appearing normal might not all be normalshits.

>>14968

Literally pagliacci.

>>14954

>The genuine disgust of modernity you all have is not rare.

When was last time you met someone alive? Because I constantly hear nothing else than how everything is great, how we live in best times ever, how technology is so amazing, etc.

>>15072

Most doomers don't even know they're doomers. We're all stuck between being a normie and being too fucked up to even bother. Most doomers can socialize, but don't care to.

Alienation and non-belonging is a defining characteristic of a doomer.

>>15074

Let us hope we'll see the endgame in our lifetime. I'm going to sleep. Good night fellow doomers, may it be short and calm.

>>15014

Not if you just keep the economics and turn all the social shit far right

>>15072

Why are you guys so obsessed with leaving a scene in your wake?

>>18072

>51 points

Fair enough. I'm a born mechanical organism.

>>18072

Your total: 37

Your class: Robot

>>18072

59 Points

Cyborg

>>18072

I got 26

>>18072

Cyborg/slightly strange, which is pretty close to the reality

X - -4

Y - -4.25

Percentile ? - 24.1388

Tier - D - Sperg

>>13461

>Edge Lord

I barely leave my room, am the opposite of an atheist, and I'm way too tired of life to muster much anger anymore.

I still suffer severe repercussions if I ever let my spaghetti spill.

STOP SEXUALIZING SEMEN, YOU PREVERTS!

>>18876

>how much they hate Putin and love the EU

So you a russian? ukraine?

>trying to make conversation in an insane asylum with other inmates

Top LeL, I wouldn't talk more than strictly necessary with the docs either

>but she never acted up in the way you'd expect someone with schizophrenia or psychosis to - she was relaxed

But then:

>sat in the corner a lot, acted anxious around people, and was generally quiet and reserved

Schizos dont talk a lot btw, you're thinking of BPDfags

As for the abyss thing, how different is that from fundies seeing angels and shit? think about that

>>18905

I think it's valid question because it means if you set "Other"? then it will give you normie points because imagine caring about your sexual identity beyond "yep I'm man I have penis so what" etc.

>>18927

I think it's for statistical purposes.

>>19048

I did that test when I was having my "hype mood" time. I wonder what results I'd get now.

>>13461

Looks like Im a normal normie, sheeeit

>>19048

Link.

I figured more mental disorders are common in men and women's lack of empathy towards male disposability contributes to its increase. and idiot law enforcement "enforces" this notion and cucks for bitches constantly.

people are often misdiagnosed as MR because they're non-conformists and is just misdiagnosed antisocial personality disorder.

>>19118

http://www.4degreez.com/misc/personality%5Fdisorder%5Ftest.mv

>>19081

Funny because a while ago I wanted to self-diagnose with some shit. I landed on schizoid since sperg didn't really fit. As the test say I'm probably more avoidant than schizoid, and avoidant is the gay version of schizoid.

>>19232

sheesh.

>>18072

110 normalfag. Let me clarify however that I worked my way up to this from years of pushing my social limits, working out, and trying to find a passion. Still a bit of a sperg though.

>>18072

58. Right on the edge between robot and cyborg. Having a job seriously skews the result.

>>13473

This test feels like it is mocking me. I don't have friends, yet apparently I am expected to have such. I am the 43rd percentile and yet I don't seem to belong anywhere.

Do I even belong here? I don't know. I truthfully don't know if I am a doomer. The memes are so confusing.

I guess I am "edgy" because of my thoughts and beliefs, but I am confused by that logic. Edge implies you care about the result, that it is something you are doing to appear tougher or darker. A sort of "I am so evil, humanity is stupid and I am actually a god among mortals who will one day find a way to slaughter them all" with tastes that intentionally go against the norm just because it shocks the normies when they find out about it, which happens normally since the edge lord would want that shock factor. This is what depresses me, being called an edge lord is essentially being called shallow, it is a grab for attention without much focus on what interests the self.

I am probably too pathetic for magic, but anger? While I am highly a sperg to the point I am not really welcome anywhere, being the "CWC" of almost any 4chan thread I try talking in when I can build up the energy to talk online as a sort of escape from the fact that I have zero forms of entertainment and thus can only sleep, but anger implies far too much emotion for me. The psychologists told me the opposite, that my emotions are so far repressed that I just don't feel for most things. I am not even sure if that is true, I think I just feel a sort of sadness most of the time, but I am unsure if that is true as I almost feel emotional states are something to express with others, something I struggle to do, and thus I end up confused as to what I even am. All I want are headpats. Headpats but I fear human contact…

I work. It is miserable, but I try to endure it by wearing noise cancelling headphones. I get emails from people, drag some boxes around, and then get back to my endless quest to find some more music to enjoy. Since music is one of the only things I can indeed say I can like, even if it isn't something I can do in my spare time much as it just lacks the involvement of something like gaming that I rather have.

I also don't really do any drugs. They just don't appeal to me; they cost money and they just alter your mind so that you cannot properly experience life. I wish to experience, even if it is miserable. I wish to know for sure it was terrible than live in doubt. I wish for something to prove me wrong… I wish I could just be happy. I wish I could find that one video game that could allow me to do something in my spare time, as opposed to trying games only to get frustrated and more miserable.

>>25657

>I truthfully don't know if I am a doomer. The memes are so confusing.

I truly wouldn't be bothered by this question if I were you.

>edgy

>"I am so evil, humanity is stupid and I am actually a god among mortals who will one day find a way to slaughter them all"

>with tastes that intentionally go against the norm just because it shocks the normies when they find out about it, which happens normally since the edge lord would want that shock factor

There is amazing thread related to this on /anti/, front page

>>25658

I am mostly bothered by it because I just want to know my own identity. I want something to cling to out of the hopes that it might allow me to figure out what might interest me and thus give me happiness. If I am a doomer, I might like doomer things. Yet all I see is talk about STALKER and drugs. At least it is better than /r9k/, which is basically just constant pining over women, but it would be nice to say "I know where I belong and won't be ousted for being too far gone".

>/anti/

Intriguing. It sums up things a lot. I gravitate towards unhappiness. I am not sure if it is depression that makes me do such, I think it a core part of my identity that I apparently like more negative tastes. Usually I find things within the gothic subculture get closer to what I am looking for, if still usually quite far away, especially when going with what is definitively goth like Type O Negative. I wish I liked Type O Negative, then I could say I am a goth and have some sort of an identity.

Being edgy would be nice as you could drop the facade and like a lot of things. Things that were likely easy to find. Meanwhile, I feel like I am excavating in a mine, looking for a diamond while surrounded by a rich society. I feel jealous of people who can turn on the radio and like a song, turn on the television and like a show. I want to be able to just like things, I want to just be happy. Why must I work hard to obtain what others can just get naturally? More and more, it shows how much I don't belong in the world, even the counter-culture is too lacking for me, so I end up questioning where that community is that would like what I like and thus provide me with resources that could lead to eternal happiness.

I am still struggling to read the /anti/ posts. Somehow they feel highly confusing with their terminology, either that or I am even more of a brainlet than I thought.

>>25660

>I am mostly bothered by it because I just want to know my own identity.

Understandable. quick tip: don't base your identity on some imageboard meme. You are you and best thing you can do is being yourself. That doesn't mean if you have flaws and they bother you, you should remain same forever but my humble lifecoaching advice, if you pardon me, would be accepting yourself as you are and using it as starting point for changes you and only you desire from your own heart. You have more power in your own hands than you think. I was there, I know how it feels and if there wouldn't be art, I would be still sitting in dark corner of my own purpose. Identities suck though and are often traps for you, rather than something uplifting. Be careful before you take identity as coat over your shoulders.

>I want something to cling to out of the hopes that it might allow me to figure out what might interest me and thus give me happiness.

Unfortunately, you have to find it and actively if possible. Sometimes it's right under your nose all the time but you can't see it, sometimes it isn't there so you have to find it elsewhere. Don't let the world tell you what the fuck you should do, you might as well better be dead. Don't worry, you will get what you are looking for but searching it outside your comfort zone isn't bad idea imho.

>I might like doomer things. Yet all I see is talk about STALKER and drugs. At least it is better than /r9k/, which is basically just constant pining over women, but it would be nice to say "I know where I belong and won't be ousted for being too far gone".

It would be nice if some board could give you feeling of being home right? Well it might but it will never be real and always it will be temporary. It's internet page ffs, how ridiculous would that be? It can never replace the true feeling of being home, when you do something and you instantly know this is what you want to do no matter what.

>I gravitate towards unhappiness. I am not sure if it is depression that makes me do such, I think it a core part of my identity that I apparently like more negative tastes.

It can be anything. I'm also "child of darkness", but that's not a bad thing. Darkness isn't void as people make it to be, it can be source of both creative and destructive forces as well. Keep that in mind. When your darkness will turn into void, you know you are in deep shit. Is it void in your case?

>Usually I find things within the gothic subculture get closer to what I am looking for

Get dressed, make yourself make up or ask some girl to do it for you, trust me, girls love to do make up for bois (if you are boi), go to some place where they gather and have best night of your life.

>then I could say I am a goth and have some sort of an identity.

And you would end up like those close-minded idiotic gatekeepers no one like. Life isn't such a serious deal. Feeling of true freedom without constant judging or being judged is hell of a drug.

>>25662

>Be careful

I can highly understand that mindset. I don't wish to kill my own identity, I just seek finding that of where I am. Especially since the problem with accepting myself is that I just don't know myself. Life is so… confusing and chaotic… that I just cannot grasp what I even am or what I even want.

>searching for it outside the comfort zone

Oh, that is what I spend most of my time doing. I don't have much of a comfort zone, so I just endlessly hunt and then break down in cynicism. I constantly question if depression is what kills my enjoyment or if I genuinely dislike things, so I end up trying to explain out detailed reasons why I hate things, which in turn makes me question if I am just justifying hatred for things that should be objectively good.

I find modern games almost innately shit due to their reliance on DRM, I hate Steam with a burning passion. Yet indie games often rely upon being pointless VNs. You get something with some nonlinearity, people end up calling it sandbox, so that means no challenge because people just want to mess around. You try to play some title, but your autism takes over and you endlessly hunt for some file that is apparently lost to time on the internet, resulting in the inability to continue while also not really enjoying what you currently had I have OCD as well which usually leads to avenues of complete misery, such as reading D&D manuals or playing mods for a game I hate for a year in the hope I can somehow improve it before deleting it all and starting again as I broke the stability.

>instantly know this is what you want to do no matter what

I never get that feeling, quite the opposite. I live in constant doubt, questioning everything while never really gaining closure. I want some escape from that doubt… that might be too much to ask.

>void

That summarizes a lot anon… I am in a void. I just broke down about it almost being Christmas and not having any presents, but also nobody really caring. I just want somebody to show the feeling of caring, yet caring seems gone, and it might be a source similar to oxygen. Both in turn feel like they are running out, which in turn leads to a weird sort of line crossing. That probably didn't make any sense unless you are as hopelessly disconnected as me… I have tried being creative, but what I make is complete shit. It is so… tryhard and so lacking in the feelings I want it to have. So I get more experimental in the hopes of reaching that point, only to never really get there.

>go to the place they gather

I don't belong with goths. I am not a goth at all and would feel alienated, especially as social areas tire me out. I also don't want to put so much effort into wearing stuff on myself, I find shirts with collars are stressful enough to the point I can only wear t-shirts.

>gatekeepers

Summarizes most cliques sadly. Is that not what this entire post was made for? To gatekeep being a doomer? As if being such a thing is a worthy goal to make… and yet we get so many posts of people complaining about being found normie. I wish I was a normie, would make life so much easier. Perhaps the freedom I am in can work, but the problem is that I just don't enjoy, I don't have anything to pass the time.

I am just cynical and miserable. That alone means I am already hated for who I am, there is a reason I have no friends, not even online. People get fed up with my deep levels of depression, of my complete lack of liking anything, of every day being so monotonous that I never really have any stories to offer, and "of not trying". I don't think I was made to be liked. I am not sure that really matters… I am fine with being hated as long as I can find something in this world made for me. Something that gives purpose to my days, a bit of enjoyment.

>>25663

>Only person stopping you is yourself

Being edgy as I am is not really the answer, that is a facade with nothing I enjoy underneath. That is what I am missing that I feel others have, the ability to just have something to like.

>time wasting

I am perfectly fine with time wasting. I could care less about politics or society or any of that. Family Guy bores me because it is a television show, I am forced to sit there and not interact with it in any way. That gets depressing to me, makes me feel like I am withering all the more. My family loves Family Guy, I just cannot grasp the humor. It makes me feel all the more alone.

>can be redone

Curious. I tried going to a psychologist and taking pills. The psychologist told me I was a narcissist and no matter how terrible I think I am, truthfully I am a lot more shitty than that. He suggested I kill myself and got angry at me when I didn't as it proved I couldn't even try what he suggested. The depression pills didn't do much for me but give me night terrors, I would wake up in the middle of the night screaming as opposed to the normal panic attacks where I would be too frozen to scream. Any time I tried to talk about the issue of me not enjoying things, he would just tell me I was trying to divert from the issues of child abuse. Needless to say, after about 10 months of trying my father cancelled it for me. I couldn't stop it myself, there was the possibility that what he said was true and thus I didn't want to be close-minded and outright reject his thoughts.

>what you desire

All I desire is finding something to entertain me. A place where some people post some games I end up really liking, some music I end up really enjoying. You know, a place where I belong, where I don't have to spend months to find one song I can enjoy.

The problem is I am too unique in every clique. Being a snowflake is not a good thing in my eyes as that means every day is a struggle to find just something to make you smile. Nobody has ever recommended a song I could say I liked, actually what ends up happening is that I end up feeling the song is complete shit and feeling all the more isolated. Why can't I grasp what makes this so great to others? Why, in a world with so many palettes, is mine so limited and hard to find?

>write with comfyness in your heart

That is much of what I do. Surprisingly, so far it has been more accepting here than other places, then again I usually feel that at first before people get fed up with me.

>everything is light as a feather

I seek meaning perhaps too much. I guess this is what happens when you think too much. I am not really sure if I know how to turn off my mind, almost everyone has told me I think too much and how unhealthy it is. Yet my mind is just one part of me I struggle to control, at best I can fight it, which just comes with stress and more misery. The best solution is just to find something I can enjoy, which can result in my mind being distracted.

>cringe

That is one of the words I never really understood and saw mentioned there. It gives me thoughts of someone turning into themselves, sort of like a pillbug. I don't get how the actions of another makes one do this.

Cringe is one of the words that makes me fear we live in a hivemind society where others are able to feel each other and are one with each other. Then, like the guy outside of the Matrix, there is me. Free, possibly, but also not really happy as reality is much more miserable. And I can't even take a blue pill if I wanted to, I am yearning for my own Matrix. Yet at the same time that sounds like I know my truth is the objective truth, when at the same time I wonder I am the only one in a Matrix while everyone else just gets annoyed with how I end up doing stupid actions due to being locked into a virtual machine. I have tried breaking the paradox with unorthodox means, such as throwing my shoes at people or hitting my head repeatedly at the wall, but then I wonder if the simulation accounted for such possibilities.

If I live in a simulation, would it matter? I sense it like reality. Yet if everyone else is outside of it, that means I am needlessly tormented, an unfair existence. Tell this to a normie, they will tell you that you must be highly intelligent because the stupider you are, the happier you are. Yet I lack knowledge or skill in anything, doubt my own wisdom if I can even call it that, and don't have the tradeoff of happiness.

>>25665

>I just seek finding that of where I am

>Especially since the problem with accepting myself is that I just don't know myself. Life is so… confusing and chaotic… that I just cannot grasp what I even am or what I even want.

A lot of people feel this way. I don't want to get too poetic but what helped me to somehow know myself was writing and silence. Even if you might have some desires, they are often hidden, which is a problem because knowing your desires would help you to know who you are and where to go. Writing helps making things being more concrete. By silence I mean turning everything off and listening to yourself. It's not simple, it can take years, it took me so much time and still I don't have everything figured out. What is worse, I'm sure I will lost myself again but such is life. We transform all the time. Don't be anxious about this. You are now like empty bottle which can be filled, that's called potential. Knowing what to fill yourself with is understanding field/direction of where you should direct your potential and I guess here is where you struggle. My point is, of course I can't give you answer because I have no clue who you are but torturing yourself with this helpless anxious attitude is making things only worse. Taking it easy really helps and saying to yourself "okay, I don't know where I am right now or where I should go with my life, but that's fine" has enormous psychological effect, I call it being in peace with yourself. This is something which requires time though and paradoxically some effort. Being your enemy is terrible.

>so I just endlessly hunt and then break down in cynicism

I really envy you this. First, you are not giving up, that's awesome. Second, you are not stuck in your comfort zone, I was and I still somehow am. That's something I have to work on. Man, you have such a good outlook and you are putting effort into all this. You should reward yourself in some way, you really need just a tiny break imo.

>I constantly question if depression is what kills my enjoyment or if I genuinely dislike things

Might be. Depression isn't only mental illness but can manifest itself in, as I said previously, wrong thought patterns.

>why I hate things, which in turn makes me question if I am just justifying hatred for things that should be objectively good.

You are maturing, I went through exactly same phase. I was so much filled with hatred towards myself and world around me that one day it just snapped in me and I couldn't hate anyone anymore, couldn't bother myself with judging the world, especially if I'm such imperfect creature and piece of freak. There are some questions which have different answers or are not meant to be answered. What I mean is that for example, I objectively don't know what is purpose of my life BUT is it important to me? At this point, not really, I'm trying to enjoy what life can give me and what I can offer to other people. Is it important if it makes any difference or any impact? Not really, as long as you love what you do. Does it have to have meaning? Not really, very cliche saying but I understood it only very recently - the path can be as much enjoyable as getting to the finish, especially if there is no finish, no end goal.

>>25665

>games

I don't play much as well, I more don't than I do. Again, playing games is just one activity, it's not big deal if this is not bringing you joy. And why you should even do something you don't feel like doing? Why it should bother you?

>I never get that feeling, quite the opposite. I live in constant doubt, questioning everything while never really gaining closure.

Yes, same but good news - you are braver than I ever was. Sometimes it's really just stupid "hit or miss" game. Often there is no right decision. However, I would question if you are really good for nothing. I never met person who would be totally useless. People are more scared to make steps.

>I am in a void

>yet caring seems gone

It isn't. People still do care and genuinely care, about others too, not just about themselves. You are not the only lonely person on planet.

> have tried being creative, but what I make is complete shit. It is so… tryhard and so lacking in the feelings I want it to have. So I get more experimental in the hopes of reaching that point, only to never really get there.

I had pretty much few years of writers block so I ended up doing something I'm good at but it's not really satisfying me. Problem is that best option is to be yourself when it comes to art but how do you be yourself when you represent void? Being creative also means enjoying the process, not just the result. Just don't hate yourself for this as I did, it happens to everyone.

>Is that not what this entire post was made for? To gatekeep being a doomer?

I don't care at all at this point, Personally, I have no gatekeeping tendencies, you can wait for other anons to crown you a knight doomer if you want to.

>That alone means I am already hated for who I am, there is a reason I have no friends, not even online.

True, one problem leads to another. Petermeme is right in one thing, that sometimes sorting your own shit first isn't such a bad idea.

>People get fed up with my deep levels of depression, of my complete lack of liking anything, of every day being so monotonous that I never really have any stories to offer

This is actually easy to fix. When you are trying something new, when you are somebody, overcome yourself. Try to enjoy it with open mind, don't judge it, don't judge people around it, don't judge how good you are in that scenario. Just do it. Even if it's meh experience, it's better than absolutely gross one.

>>25667

>writing and silence

Curious… I have written a lot of poetry, but I am not sure it has ever helped reflect more on me.

>turning everything off and listening to yourself

Definitely the difficult challenge, not sure how I can do that most days. Most days are so overwhelming between reality and the imaginary.

>potential

That is often used in my situation, a sort of optimistic hope. I just hope it is true, I question if I truthfully have any potential.

>In peace with yourself

Intriguing concept indeed… and probably the answer I need. How I go about obtaining it is what is confusing to me, once again that sounds like directing my thoughts, when my mind is an uncontrollable environment.

>I don't know where I am right now or where I should go with my life

I don't really care where I go with my life. But alas, I live highly in the present. I need to accept that not knowing where that is can be alright, as depressing as it is.

>That's awesome

I have had people impressed by the amount of stuff I put up with. I truthfully don't understand it, you don't know if you don't try, and I don't really have a comfort zone to get stuck in anyway. It just gets daunting when you realize how much I have tried and hated, potential means of enjoyment that I just cannot grasp.

>tiny break

Except I cannot rest as I just don't have that happiness that I am seeking. It is all circular, isn't it? I need a break to get happier, but a break is just as stressful with nothing to enjoy.

>Wrong thought patterns

Quite the scary thought, as I fear if trying things as I am is actually counter-intuitive for that purpose. Say I one day get healed from my depression, I have a bunch of past biased memories of reasons why I hate things. It is destruction. Experiencing things and disliking them is overtly destructive, with the consequence that I may never really reach that period of happiness.

>hatred for the world around me

Except I don't really hold hatred to other people… I believe highly in acceptance.

>purpose of life

I am not sure there is purpose. It is sort of like being an ant, you wander aimlessly and eventually you wither. There is not much greater, the rest is just glorified means to add sentiment to everything. Purpose means little for me therefore, it is more just about finding that escape zone.

>as long as you love what you do

And this is what I struggle with sadly. Do what you enjoy, no matter what it is, has always been advice I have heard. Yet I don't even know what I enjoy, I just am good at finding things that make me unhappy.

>the path can be as much enjoyable

I have heard that I should treat my life as a challenge, that it offers amusement by making things so hard to find. I just can't revel much in that, I want to enjoy and what I am given is counter to my enjoyment. I do not care much for the finish, the finish is finite and destructive after all, but the path is miserable as long as I can't find much to embrace. All it does is make you weary.

>>25666

>That is what I am missing that I feel others have, the ability to just have something to like.

Does it make you jealous though? Are you jealous about other people because they have something you don't have? I was and this was one thing which was like anchor dragging me down to the hole.

>and not interact with it in any way.

Maybe you have some comfy streamer? That's a bit more interactive and if they are small and nice, then usually the atmosphere is chill.

>psychologist recommending suicide

>muh child trauma psychoanalyst

I don't know why are you even bothered by such a low-tier scumbag.

>A place where some people post some games I end up really liking, some music I end up really enjoying.

Feel free to do that here.

>The problem is I am too unique in every clique. Being a snowflake is not a good thing in my eyes as that means every day is a struggle to find just something to make you smile.

Sorry but no, you are not, hon. You are unique, yes but people nowadays share so much of common basic problems, it's unreal. It's kind of a good thing, because even if it's negative, it connects us.

>Why can't I grasp what makes this so great to others? Why, in a world with so many palettes, is mine so limited and hard to find?

That could be great project, making music you want to hear yourself.

>Surprisingly, so far it has been more accepting here than other places, then again I usually feel that at first before people get fed up with me.

Oh, don't worry, people have enough of me here already as well. You fit here, so take a look around, participate in whichever thread you might want, ask people for specific music, there are still a lot great folks around with such wide taste in music and knowledge about different topics, good stuff.

>Yet my mind is just one part of me I struggle to control, at best I can fight it, which just comes with stress and more misery. The best solution is just to find something I can enjoy, which can result in my mind being distracted.

As I said before, maybe you will have same future as me and one day it will all just break in you and you will say "fuck everything, I'm going my own way, I don't care about anything, it's my life". That's truly liberating moment and I wish you will get there eventually. I think I'm not alone here who just realized that this is not really satisfying state of being and doing something, no matter how worthless, is better than nothing. Occupying your mind with something which gives meaning to you even if it's the craziest stuff imaginable, etc.

>we live in a hivemind society where others are able to feel each other and are one with each other.

Surprise surprise, we do.

>I am yearning for my own Matrix

You know, the issue here isn't matrix. What sort of satisfaction give you questions about if anything around you is real? Or what is the real purpose of it all? They did more damage to me than anything else. I grown into state where I truly don't care about the answer anymore. If I die and on other side I will see God and he will say to me - it was just a simulation lol, I will just shrug shoulders.

>>25669

>games

The problem is that games are pretty much the direction that seems most ideal for me. I seek something that does not require physicality, more imagination, since I find the physical realm tiring. I seek something with mental activity at the same time, since passive watching becomes frustrating. I just don't enjoy if I cannot interact with it in some way, it feels too… dead. Same reason books tend to frustrate me, yet I end up writing endless text on imageboards.

>Braver than I ever was

I really don't feel brave. It mostly is just a circumstance of being stuck, a sort of survival necessity. I need to get out of the hole, so I need to strive for that. It is simple logic to me.

>Totally useless

You are talking to someone who has broken doors because they couldn't properly open them. Someone who cannot cook food, tie their shoes, or even breathe properly. All I know is the computer, outside of it I am hopelessly lost. Yet I am also not a technical wizard, I do not know coding or 3d modeling and my efforts to get there haven't gone well. I tend to fail at beginners tutorials, spend a while hunting online for the answer, then not really getting anywhere. Forum posts are ignored, everyone around me has less of an idea than me.

>Not the only lonely person

But they are more in the… hive mind. They like music others like, they can share interests, and usually their loneliness goes away after a short time because they can be accepted by other human beings. They mostly are just depressed because they don't have a girlfriend.

>Enjoying the process

I guess that makes sense, while the result is something to strive for, the process alone can be part of the entertainment. I was trying earlier today to make a composure, it was comfy while designing it even if the end result sounded very "try hard", like someone just doing things to show off without any real emotional backdrop.

>No gatekeeping tendencies

I can respect that highly. It seems people spend so much time ensuring the validity of others. From experience, I was always seen as not a robot by /r9k/ standards because I was too unbelievable of a character. What I say would be so far out there that no rational human can believe it.

That is sort of the depressing part about me. I can accept people disliking me, but somehow the world can't even believe I exist. I am this unbelievable a character to most. When I failed in reality, people would tell me often that I must be intentionally trying to fail due to how bad I did it. Online, I often am seen as a LARPer just by being genuine.

Usually, I am not welcome because I always talk about the same things. Myself and how I don't really have anything to entertain myself with, the endless hunt. Mostly as that is all I occupy my time with, all I know, hunting and not really finding. In a way, I envy the "tfw no gf" for the simple reason that they understand the concept of love, one of many human feelings that I just cannot comprehend and makes me question if I am a sociopath.

>sorting your own shit

Much of what I have been trying to do, except I am unsure how to do that as a lot involves fighting with my mind and not thinking the way I do.

>try to enjoy it with an open mind

I unironically try to do that. I go into things with a mindset of "this sounds promising for me, like the answer to all I have been hunting for. Finally, I can be at peace". Then I find annoyances that get worse and worse. The problem is that meh is miserable in itself as that means it is mind numbingly frustrating to sit through, while miserable is in turn torture because you cannot get past the faults. It is some mechanic, some feature that is innately connected to the thing you are trying to enjoy, to the point it pervades all else.

>>25671

>I have written a lot of poetry, but I am not sure it has ever helped reflect more on me.

Even if it isn't helping you now, it might serve as some kind of method of comparing your timeline of life. You know, few years later you read it again and you will see if things are better or worse. For me it was more about having real perspective on myself being lost in whirlwind of chaos.

>Definitely the difficult challenge

Yes ikr. Important is that your are important, you should be to yourself, if you want to change something. You know, if you don't care about yourself, you won't have energy to do anything. I'll give you example - Maybe painting for fun has no purpose and it's piece of crap but does it give anything to me? It does, it relaxes me and I deserve to relax - I'm worthy enough of doing something for myself. Finding silent moments is a bit harder but important is to feel you deserve to try having them. Even if world is not giving you answers now, nor helping hand, be here for yourself.

>I just hope it is true, I question if I truthfully have any potential.

You definitely do. I read it all over your posts, you are just a little bit lost now. We are all, normies or not, everybody experiences this. What is more important in my opinion is that you actually have will in you to keep on going, you are not giving up. That's really impressive.

>Intriguing concept indeed… and probably the answer I need.

It's not from my head. It was more explained to me by one poster here and I sort of re-thought it instead of rejecting it.

>How I go about obtaining it is what is confusing to me, once again that sounds like directing my thoughts, when my mind is an uncontrollable environment.

You can control your mind because it's you. I'm not very good in this topic but I think the answer is some sort of missing balance. You can't solve everything in one day of course but I think if you will start doing for yourself small steps in form of anything - activities which are even mildly enjoyable, taking a walk, eating some food you like, whatever - you might want to naturally slow down a bit, to make things more even inside of your head, if that makes any sense. It's sort of like this, you know Spanish or Italian mentality? Siesta? Give yourself a siesta, you deserve it, life is not a race, there is no one who will force me to not sit here, not enjoying my cup of coffee and I don't want in my head even one negative thought, this is my moment. Sort of like this.

>But alas, I live highly in the present. I need to accept that not knowing where that is can be alright, as depressing as it is.

That's actually good approach to life. Doesn't it make you feeling more free? A lot of us have massive fears about the future. I had to get rid of them.

>I truthfully don't understand it, you don't know if you don't try, and I don't really have a comfort zone to get stuck in anyway.

Well because, honestly? We are as humans bunch of freaking cowards. We find it impressive when someone is as fearless as you are. You might think that, oh, it's just me living life, but for majority of us, this is something unimaginable. Overcoming obstacles and keeping on going is huge deal.

>but a break is just as stressful with nothing to enjoy.

That's the mistake you do. I did it too. It's being anxious. Break is break, during break you should not seek for anything, during break you just ARE.

>Purpose means little for me therefore, it is more just about finding that escape zone.

I get it. It shouldn't be too hard. You are now on your way, you will get to finish, it's not possible you will walk in darkness all your life with approach to life as you have. There are people who are truly fucked up and stopped trying.

>Yet I don't even know what I enjoy, I just am good at finding things that make me unhappy.

What I meant in my previous posts was that you might be your biggest enemy - in context that what if you are too critical to yourself and that's your whole problem stopping you from enjoying what you'd otherwise enjoy? What if you judge yourself too much? Speaking from my own experience.

>I have heard that I should treat my life as a challenge

Hell no, that's toxic. It never worked for me either.

>>25674

>Someone who cannot cook food, tie their shoes, or even breathe properly.

>game dev

That's quite big obstacle, I get it. However, what is beautiful about programming f.e. and whole game developer thing is that there is always an answer. Always, I can guarantee that.

>They mostly are just depressed because they don't have a girlfriend.

Yep we have here a lot of these people too but it doesn't mean you are uninteresting. People don't just search for what they know and can relate to, when it comes to art, they usually like new stuff. I can imagine your music taste can be interesting for people and some common ground.

>to show off without any real emotional backdrop.

Good. Based Yngwie Malmsteen was all about that and look how people love his music.

>the world can't even believe I exist

I hope you are not really narcissist and you won't take this as offense. but I think after people who spent time here and reading their stories, we are all quite bunch of unbelievable characters and you sound like pretty normal guy compared to some posters.

>a lot involves fighting with my mind and not thinking the way I do.

Yes well, for me, this was the biggest issue and still it. In my case, that was the ultimate key to everything and luckily, you can shape mind pretty well.

>The problem is that meh is miserable in itself as that means it is mind numbingly frustrating to sit through

Question is - do you have anything better to do instead? You sound like you are bothered because it waste your time but you don't have anything better to do anyway so why bother?

>>25673

>Does it make you jealous though?

I am. I am not jealous of much about others, but this is one thing that torments me highly. The knowledge that the rest of the world has something they can just enjoy.

>comfy streamer

Generally, I rather play the game myself than watch someone else. I would watch a game I have experienced myself if someone else would play it, but then there is the issue that I tend to go far more niche.

>low tier scumbag

Because I cannot know anything and therefore grant the possibility that he could be correct. Anyone could. That is how volatile and unstable my world is. People have enjoyed mocking me for that in the past, reveling in my ability to believe almost any conspiracy theory as possibly being true. Humanity might have been replaced with reptilians long ago, I am truthfully unsure and cannot prove with certainty I am human. All I know is basic perception is what really matters in the end. The Matrix is as you experience it.

>feel free to do that here

I don't really enjoy games, so I don't have that I can really do. I checked the music thread, but found Type O Negative and a bunch of other music I couldn't connect with, so I felt more mocked. I feel like if my music is possibly too identifying, that I am too unique with what I like.

>It connects us

Really? As I have suggested, every place I have gone has pretty much resulted in me being the one who stood out and was hated. Somehow I am good at getting a target on my back.

>making music you want to hear yourself

See the part where I mentioned compositions. My father suggested similar, but the problem is just that I can't make that which I want to hear. Not only is it unpolished, but it also is so dry and technical.

>You fit here

I am quite glad to hear that for now, friendly anon. If you pervade this community, that is good, since that means I am welcome.

>Maybe you will have the same future

I can hope I come to some epiphany. My imagination ends up with me falling apart, a weird sort of comfiness where I am miserable as I cry inside my head about being unable to draw butterflies. Very delusional and random, but also comfy in a weird way.

>We do

Makes a lot of sense. Quite scary, as that suggests all the more I am not part of it. Only way I can explain how I don't feel cringe, shame, or those other weird society connected emotions.

>Don't care for the answer anymore

Thus why I yearn for the Matrix instead of a red pill as you often seen touted on the internet. As I have said, simulations are as real as you make them, the basic perception is what is important. I just need basic enjoyment.

>>25676

>timeline

Funnily enough, I can do that now. Going back, I realized that everything was pretty much identical to how it is today. People change all the time, but I am not sure if I do.

>If you don't care about yourself, you won't have the energy to do anything

Curious. So my self-loathing plays a lot into all these issues as well. Of course, that might be even harder to change.

>Be here for yourself

The problem is that I question why I am worthy enough to be there for myself. If I am so utterly irredeemable, a slug upon humanity, what right do I have to even exist? My continued living is just a burden on others. So in turn, why should I support myself?

>I read it all over your posts

Quite intriguing, I definitely can hope you are correct with what you see. All we can do is try, try and push to a better tomorrow. It may suck tomorrow, but we won't know unless we genuinely try.

>one poster here

Quite impressive actually how constructive it has been. You get used to the opposite with how most places are. Now the question is mostly how to apply it.

>Give yourself a siesta

Curious… often, my mindset is often that of trying to fulfill a quota. I need to find that which I like, so that means working through a large number of things, which in turn means a steady pace to get through all of it to ensure I am not slacking. Perhaps taking it easier here could be more beneficial. I just need to find that which can provide happiness during my days so I can do that, which of course results in a circle. My work is to find happiness, which in turn makes it difficult to stop and rest, since that requires something to enjoy.

>feeling more free

I guess you could say I feel free. It isn't something I generally prioritize, I have a lot of freedom but no real usage for it.

>Overcoming obstacles and keep on going is a huge deal

Quite curious indeed. I don't know if I should be glad to be doing what I am doing, scared that maybe I am not doing it as well as it sounds, or depressed that I lack even this bit of connection with others.

>Anxious, break is break

I suffer from a lot of anxiety indeed… just be… a difficult concept to grasp, but one that does seem practical. Easily the most sensible I have heard.

>Not possible

That is what I question. Sure, every story loves to tell about those who overcame. But does effort always equal payout? I am not so sure, I feel it just as likely that I will be in the same situation years from now, much like I am in the same situation I was a decade ago.

>What if you judge yourself too much?

I don't think this is the case…

To explain more, I hate puzzles in games because they limit replayability. They exist during that one time, then become mindless in the future. Meanwhile, that one time is not really fun, since it is often figuring out some ambiguous answer while getting frustrated due to the lack of clarity if a solution even exists due to too much experience with broken games with impossible to solve puzzles. I hate spamming walls, I hate riddles that are the same with every game, I hate hidden levers, I hate pushing crates in a specific order to unlock a door. So I try hunting games, only to get frustrated when the targets can get out of bounds constantly, while the gameplay revolves around chasing something for 20 minutes with little change in variation. Note this is what most games are made up of. Is this criticism of the self? Not really, it seems more geared towards that which I am touching.

>That's toxic

Good to know indeed. Seems I am surrounded by a lot of toxicity.

>>25677

>There is always an answer

There is of course, but Google tends to work against you in such instances and forum posts tend to get ignored. Been fighting with Autodesk Maya for years after realizing it was the best chance I had after getting too frustrated with the counter-intuitiveness of Blender.

>Interesting, common ground

I am not so sure. From experience, people tend to see my stuff as "tolerable", yet "nothing they would listen to themselves". I haven't seen a chart posted with my stuff, any links ever to my stuff on an imageboard… it feels like quite the opposite, like a lack of common ground.

>Based

Problem is that I am very much about emotional content in my music. I like composition based, but also emotional. This is one big element that tends to make classical music terrible for me. It is all so… disjointed, disconnected. The music will stop and start a million times, playing some basic style whilst not really holding much of a connection.

>you sound like a pretty normal guy

I don't think I am a narcissist… more than likely… and that statement actually felt comforting. As said, I often have been called the CWC of a location, which combined with being unbelievable just gets depressing. One reason I sought out /doomer/, when I saw that /r9k/ and 4chan in general would just see me as a meme to mock.

>you can shape mind pretty well

That is an intriguing thing to say after saying how it is a big issue. That is definitely the key to a lot of this. Telling me to accept myself is one thing, but changing the way I think is just one thing that I just struggle to grasp. It feels as able to be done as when people yell at me to be happier.

>Better to do instead?

Interesting question, especially as my answer is no, I don't have much better to be doing. Main reason I sit through it, even though it is stressful because it tests my patience. I guess the "better to do instead" would be finding something I actually enjoyed, since that was the goal, so "meh" is in turn a failure of that.

somehow i got cool normie even though i have no friends

>>25678

>I am. I am not jealous of much about others, but this is one thing that torments me highly. The knowledge that the rest of the world has something they can just enjoy.

It isn't helping you though, is it? Or it makes you motivated? Jealousy is not good imo, it was taking too much of my energy and completely ruined my mindset - instead of focusing on my inner voice and what it wanted, when I've seen someone happy I was like "yes, fuck you happy person, you are happier than me, why am I such a failure? I don't even want to be like you, I spit on you" and instantly it made me spiritually blind, you could say. That was one block I was putting in front of myself and a lot of people do that. However, I can understand some people can use this as motivation, they can be jealous but it makes them try even harder.

>That is how volatile and unstable my world is.

This sort of "objectivism" isn't really helpful either. I see it often and I was like that too, the solution was for me literally stop caring. You know, it's this question of "what if" which is the problem. What if my psychologist is right? What if we live in matrix? What if we have been replaced with reptilians? Well, who cares, I don't have mood for these silly questions.

>I checked the music thread, but found Type O Negative and a bunch of other music I couldn't connect with, so I felt more mocked.

No one is mocking you, share something you like, maybe it will revive the staleness of that thread.

>As I have suggested, every place I have gone has pretty much resulted in me being the one who stood out and was hated. Somehow I am good at getting a target on my back.

Heh, I had this one all my life. I don't know if you believe in destiny and numerology or any of that stuff but I genuinely believe there is certain energy me and my name gives off. It's not normal my name always became synonym for troubles, in all schools and even in first 2 workplaces. I maybe understand how you feel then, it's almost like this fact is outside of your capabilities, like there is something inherently wrong with you, like you are dragging curse behind yourself, yes?

>Not only is it unpolished, but it also is so dry and technical.

That is totally fine. You can "polish" it whenever you wish and if you wish. Some pieces require more time, like for example you give up now but 2 years later suddenly it becomes clear and you will finish whatever you need to finish. And people like technical stuff. You have tons of these fusion players now, which focus only on technicality - weird rhythms and harmonies. There isn't much else in that music other than pleasure from achieving something technical.

>>25680

>People change all the time, but I am not sure if I do.

Everybody does so I assume you do to. Maybe it's hard to see without perspective now and maybe it's just because you are right now stuck in this "void".

>So my self-loathing plays a lot into all these issues as well. Of course, that might be even harder to change.

Yes it does but it's not something you should blame yourself for. You know, just ask yourself if it helped you in any way.

>The problem is that I question why I am worthy enough to be there for myself.

Yes, a lot people ask this, especially here. The answer might be a little bit ego and approach in form of "well, if no one is going to hold my back, I have to do this job". It's like cycle of problems and you understand it already - you are miserable, people find you too obnoxious, you are miserable because people don't like you and you have nothing in common with them, etc. Maybe you can try changing it and caring for yourself just so it may break this circle, but even if it won't, living your life just so you will satisfy needs of people isn't good either.

>I just need to find that which can provide happiness during my days so I can do that, which of course results in a circle.

Certainly but what I meant was something like "doing nothing and just existing". I used to do silly things, like just watch sunset or listen to rain and smell the world after it rained. It wasn't solving any problem of mine but it was helping me to re-charge my energy.

>But does effort always equal payout?

Hmm, no, maybe even in most cases no but even swimming in endless ocean of failures isn't a such a big deal. You try something, you fail, and? You might want to try it again or do something else instead, at least you are doing something, even if it's hopeless trying. It's not so uncommon for people to just lose themselves, trust me, especially in this world. I believe the pay off for all this trying will be good enough.

>>25681

>but Google tends to work against you in such instances and forum posts tend to get ignored. Been fighting with Autodesk Maya for years after realizing it was the best chance I had after getting too frustrated with the counter-intuitiveness of Blender

I don't have this experience. I'm not 3D artist but I somehow managed to learn Blender thanks to answers on internet, in times when it was even worse with its counter-intuitiveness. It's all about key binds most of the time, it feels like using Emacs to make model.

>yet "nothing they would listen to themselves"

There is audience for any genre of music.

>This is one big element that tends to make classical music terrible for me. It is all so… disjointed, disconnected. The music will stop and start a million times, playing some basic style whilst not really holding much of a connection.

Maybe you might find yourself in some branch of jazz? I was ignoring musical theory for too long but I always spontaneously understood keys to composition. What is beautiful about music theory is that it may help you understand what are you exactly doing and even mathematically explain the relations. It can definitely broaden up your possibilities as musician. It's like having that hammer, not knowing it has other side for pulling out nails. There are plenty of good videos on youtube by professionals if you are not into studying this yourself. It won't teach you how to feel your music but being able to use more than you use now can help you express what you feel better.

>One reason I sought out /doomer/, when I saw that /r9k/ and 4chan in general would just see me as a meme to mock.

It's internet, toxic people are everywhere. It's nothing personal, especially on anonymous imageboards.

>It feels as able to be done as when people yell at me to be happier.

It wasn't meant like that. What I meant is that if you have some thought patterns you find problematic, your mind is like pasta, it can be reshaped to any form, practically in any age. There is this possibility but I'm not saying you should do it, that's all up to you.

>>25692

>It isn't helping

That is very true, but once again it is one of those things that are mental and thus feel outside my level of control.

>Fuck you happy person, why am I such a failure

Yep, that sounds somewhat familiar. I don't spit on them and hate them directly, but I view myself as a failure for it for sure.

>Stop caring

That seems to be a case of just eventually hitting some point like you said, the answers matter because that is the direction to take.

>Share something

I shall try, best I can do after all. I just doubt I belong.

>Certain energy

I have often referred to it as "the curse". The more you know me, the more you will realize how shitty I am and thus be unable to be around me, no matter how loyal you think you could be.

>Troubles

Elementary I became known as the person who got into the most fights. Almost every week I was suspended due to someone attacking me to the point I was homeschooled for middle school to prevent me getting shot. I have memories of being in third grade and having an angry mob surrounding me. High school I switched towns to a less urban environment, mostly it was just underhanded currents, people viewed me as the autistic retard and I mostly got death threats, I focused primarily on school . After that I started getting more social online, but always would run into issues such as people accusing me of masturbating to them or that I am a tyrant for disliking certain anime characters. I just wanted to be accepted, that seemed impossible. Somehow end up getting mocked for my inability to do pushups, get taken out of martial arts due to being the retard, get kicked out of my grandparents as I am the retard, am unwelcome among waifuists that I envy as they hold the human connection of love because I am too schizo. Have a list built up of criticisms people have told me, had the psychologist… it just feels like I always am the problem. My mother told me it would be good if I killed myself today.

>Technical

I guess the problem there is that I personally don't like music that is dry and technical. The purpose isn't so much on making music others like as much as appeasing myself.

>2 years

Perhaps. My greatest fear is that I always seem to lose direction on whatever I start. Make a horror novel about a plague through history, I make it into a caveman romance. It is hard to control where it goes.

>>25693

>stuck in the "void"

Curious, I didn't connect the two but it does make sense. You are also right, others do change, it is one of the big things about me that bothers others. All I say today is pretty much how I will be tomorrow, some optimists have praised me for just how consistent I can be.

>If it helped you

My self-loathing doesn't really help me, but it is just the realization of how things are. I admit I am a terrible being.

>nobody else is going to do it

Nobody else will, but perhaps nobody else will because you don't deserve it yourself.

>satisfy needs of people

This is what I don't want to do. I believe social approval is beyond me, mainly I just seek happiness for myself. I don't want to be happier for others, I want that bit of entertainment which can bring me happiness.

>Silly things

Curious… a complete shutdown and instead focus on the environment… I sort of do that at points already, though mine is far more… introspective. Specifically with a world that could only be described as "schizo" and wouldn't make much sense to others, but it serves a similar purpose.

>At least you are doing something

Continual failure makes me question if it is good to do something. It seems almost comfy to just revert to a vegetative state, to fully shut off the mind, to never have the obligation of learning things, to strain or stress.

>Not uncommon for people to lose themselves

It is quite intriguing to being told that I am not too abnormal, especially in light of just how ousted I am. It just feels like if I was normal, I wouldn't be cursed and ousted.

>>25694

>key binds

This is another part of the issue for sure. I just suck at remembering a bunch of keys. Even when touching games, I hate ones with a bunch of macros. I just want a few buttons…

>An audience for any genre

There is. It just feels like mine is a lonely road.

>Jazz

I think that isn't for me, based on what I have experienced, but I could try more. Jazz immediately brings to mind Ahab, a doom metal band which got more jazzy as time went on, and how miserable of an experience that was.

>Like a hammer

I have definitely evolved with my musical tastes, so I have a bit of broadness while at the same time having some sort of connection. When I was younger, I preferred songs with choruses as I felt songs without it would lose structure and often just rely on a bunch of filler while not going anywhere. More experience has shown that I highly prefer compositions, detailed works that don't stick to one thing for too long. I can love chorus based songs as well, but find compositions more intriguing generally, and find songs with generic patterns such as basic drum beats can get on my nerves. Then again, I question if someone tore apart my music if it could be rather predictable.

>Toxic people are everywhere

I guess that makes sense. Give people freedom to do whatever, they mostly hurt each other. It is sad.

>Reshaped to any form

I understand that part, what I meant with my saying is that it is suggesting a level of power I am not sure I am capable of. I cannot grasp how one goes about reshaping their mind, just like I cannot get rid of my depression.

>Tutorials how to feel

I am almost scared I would fail them based on my current track record with tutorials, but I guess I got nothing to lose.

>>18072

I was a cyborg the last time i did the test, now i am a robot. Relations with my family deteriorated, and i am not really going out anymore.

>>25697

>Yep, that sounds somewhat familiar. I don't spit on them and hate them directly, but I view myself as a failure for it for sure.

Jealousy and hatred are often connected and it's hard to tell if you hate because you are jealous or you are jealous because you are the one filled with hate, etc. I can understand hate and jealousy, they are human feelings after all, it's just that often they hurt no one else than you.

>people viewed me as the autistic retard and I mostly got death threats

>My mother told me it would be good if I killed myself today.

You are not alone anon. It's really fucked up, I get it but you don't have to pay so much attention to that even if it always hurts.

>The purpose isn't so much on making music others like as much as appeasing myself.

Yes that's what I meant, good thing is you have all the time in the world to work on it if you feel like it. Some ideas might be unfinished for long years, if ever. I have tons of material I dropped, everyone does. At least you have the luxury of not focusing on money, that should make you more liberated in your music.

>Make a horror novel about a plague through history, I make it into a caveman romance. It is hard to control where it goes.

I don't see it as bad thing at all.

>>25700

>some optimists have praised me for just how consistent I can be

That is admirable indeed. I'm that type of person which provides no stability and consistency whatsoever, one day I'm this, other day I'm something else, going for something different. I settled down more with age but I still get called schizo often. I can't be better so who cares, taking it with smile.

>Nobody else will, but perhaps nobody else will because you don't deserve it yourself.

There is nothing I can do to convince you, you know. I just talked about my view of things. I tend to fire back if enough was enough, like spring. More I thought about myself of how worthless I am the more ego fired back to position of newly gained self-confidence. We all have different personalities.

>It is quite intriguing to being told that I am not too abnormal

I lived in this thought that I'm too special with special problems for many years until I actually started talking with people only to find out how much we share together on deeper level.

>>25702

>Jazz

I meant it more in approaching music in certain ways. Jazz is very different from most genres in how it blends together different world and approaches. Jazz represents in my head certain way of thinking rather than music itself.

>Then again, I question if someone tore apart my music if it could be rather predictable.

Music, no matter how unpredictable still kind of has to make sense. Again, take a look on free jazz. Man, the art doesn't have to be anything. It's what you make it to be.

>Give people freedom to do whatever, they mostly hurt each other.

I'm quite optimistic here though. I see growing trend of people online being more supportive towards each other same as I see growing toxicity. It depends where you stop by and where you fit in, that's all. Works this way irl as well.

>a level of power I am not sure I am capable of. I cannot grasp how one goes about reshaping their mind, just like I cannot get rid of my depression.

Sometimes you need help from outside but you should be able to do that yourself. Thinking out of the box is key here and I'm sure you can do it without any problem. If one way of thinking is damaging you, it's reasonable to try something else no matter how foolish it may look. Like a lot of people are too proud, they say "I don't want to lie to myself that I feel fine because I don't and I won't, I reject this, I'm too clever for this". Truth is that this is only yet another mind pattern speaking.

>>25718

>hurt no one else than you

Sadly very much the truth. It just is depressing when life is so difficult… just to reach entertainment.

>You don't have to pay so much attention to that

Mostly I do not. I acknowledge and bring them up, but I mostly live in an imaginary realm. Physical means little.

>not focusing on money

That is indeed one stress I don't have that many adults have, very true. Finances and stability are two avenues I have highly, my issues have always been just the mental and the lack of a real sort of enjoyment. I have a world of comfort, but yet I cannot enjoy, and that makes it all the more depressing… it is like wasted potential.

>bad thing at all

It is when someone expected and wanted a horror story… when I find the romance story uninteresting myself that I never wanted to bother with it again… it had no audience while also being uninteresting to even the creator. Just because it is in my head doesn't mean I enjoy it.

Actually, that is one problem with creating content I find. What is the purpose if there is no audience? I can experience at a much faster rate in my own mind, experiencing it properly. To get the right song, it had to be in your head first, so why did you spend hours translating it? The only rationale is to communicate with others, so they can appreciate it as well. But if there is to be no audience, if my stuff is uninteresting to others, what point does such a means have? If anything I am stunting myself by translating to human language.

>Schizo

Oh, I am seen as such just due to my chaotic inner world. My concepts often come across as so unbelievable to others that they see me as trolling. Saddest part is that I am always genuine. But yes, my outer world often is static… perhaps it has something to do with my difference in priorities.

>Different personalities

Definitely the case, personally I am unsure how to go from seeing myself as worthless to wanting to actually boost myself up. I just want happiness and some hole to die in, expecting greatness is beyond me.

>deeper level

I can definitely see that, either due to just you being a better individual at expressing it than most or just /doomer/ being closer to what I needed. In any event, I am grateful.

>>25719

I guess that makes sense. I can tell enough of my tastes that non-heavy material is probably not the direction for me, totally acoustic material tends to be extremely repetitive and grating. Even if it was less repetitive, then it would just be disjointed. Jazz often has a sort of… druggy atmosphere, it is just uncomfortable and unappealing. I do better looking within metal genres, specifically gothic or DSBM. Plus German music tends to be more promising than most.

>Still has to make sense

Correct indeed. I care a lot about emotive quality. It is hard to describe precisely what I am looking for, I am not so sure myself, I just know when I hear it… and am quite familiar with most music just lacking that quality I seek.

>Growing trend of being more supportive

Well, so far I can say this place seems positive, if just due to yourself. Of course, it is hard to tell when you have felt the essence of shattered hopes on several occasions… I usually start out with people being friendly to me and being well noticed before I falter. Happened that way in school too, I was actually in the popular clique for the first little bit in Elementary and High. As said, the curse, my individuality perhaps is what draws others… but then people get upset because it goes against social norms. Or maybe they just realize how terrible I really am. All I know is that people often feel genuinely fine with me at first, then hate my guts later.

>one way is damaging

Ironically, I have often felt it best to keep pushing. Perseverance and determination, not giving up when it gives hard.

>Mind pattern speaking

I guess that makes sense, it still fits the same narrative, but says something a bit different. Except I am pretty black and white… this makes my views extreme and thus probably more difficult to alter in this manner.

>>25738

>>25739

Alrighty anon, I'm wishing you all best unironically but sadly I don't have energy to continue in this wide discourse. You will make it, don't worry about that.

>>25754

I understand, thank you for the comfy conversation.

>>25822

英國奴

>>13461

ALL INTERNET TESTS ARE DATAMINING PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE DATA SET BUILDERS