my mom hates my ex-wife right now.
but my mom has to understand that i brought this whole pedophilia thing into the picture.
and i stepped out of bounds with it.
and my mom has to realize my father stepped out of bounds with it as well.
i should take my wife back.
there's a lot of things people can say about us. me or her.
that things are too traditional.
that i don't respect women. or something.
that i don't expect much out of her.
loving a pedophile is enough
and I am dedicated to a function.
I can give her her dream world. whatever.
it's just money.
I need someone who loves me.
and she isn't selfish. she isn't superficial. she stuck with me through a lot already.
I was running tight on money.
and I was losing my mind
and I did let pedophilia get overtake me
but she still calls for me as someone who loves me.
I wouldn't expect any woman to be with a homeless pedophile
at least I proved myself some worth. i'm not homeless
and really. I'm not a pedophile.
i'm not a pedophile with her.
I'm only "a pedophile" because I've admitted to intrusive thoughts.
i've given into them. but what am I supposed to know? I thought that's who I was.
I wonder how such things became intrusive.
I think about how other witnesses talk about how traumatizing the images from the book of revelation were.
When I saw a kid. What else was I supposed to think? That's all I knew when it cames to the subject of kids. "School" and "Sex abuse". idk. but it can't be just me. Especially if my dad marries the baby sitter.
Maybe it's a personality thing. a timid personality that never gets socialized.
I tried.
I do not prefer this pain.
This was gone with my wife.
I did hit on her friend.
I did hit on her sister's friend
while she was pregnant.
i guess i felt things closing in.
I felt sexually inadequate.
pedophilia has a lot to do with that.
i've been jacking off so much
to the worst things
i got just what i deserved.
and i know it.
and i'll never be able to be a loud mouth about it the way i am about everything else.
and i guess i got shut up.
i guess i got put in my place.
it is my fault for letting those feelings creep in.
i could have been stronger.
i could have tried to engage with women earlier. before i let it get too bad.
i do feel cheated though
i was only lucky enough to get a good paying job at 18 and then lose my religion once i bought my laptop. I felt like I didn't have enough time.
i know what i need to fix. but it's hard not to blame where this all came from. this isn't just some nebulas curse that's hard to put edges around. this is generations of pedophiles victimizing innocence.
and i'm french too
so is it in my blood?
is this just what I am? beyond the cult and everything.
is this why my dad was attracted to convert for his virgin prize?
what the fuck is my life?