/blog/ - Your own personal blog

I'm gonna get therapy. Fuck this.

I have so many things tied into one fucking cluster fuck in my life. And I just want to disappear.

Be gone.

I hate myself

so much

i ruined everything. so perfectly

i had the perfect everything & I ruined everything

why

my mom has covid

I shouldn't have moved houses

the code is the only thing that reduces all the noise in my life.

it's so hard to stick to just that though.

it's so goddamn fucking boring, and I never get enough to really enjoy myself.

it's always "Just a little bit more" "just work a little bit harder"

my father took all of my mother's years from her.

he is the only man she ever knew. since such a young age.

disgusting.

why is everything disgusting?

my mother is about to die. i need to stop fucking smoking. fuck the weed i have left. i need to stop fucking smoking

that's all i have to do and I'd be able to do so much more for everyone.

why did I have to fall for that?

the longer i stay sober. the faster I code

I did it for a lot of reasons

1 major one is I didn't want to be under the pressure of being a role model.

i can say that now, because there's money.

i'm not delusional.

and there's about to be a fuck load more money.

one reason I never got on the dark web is because I knew I could never resist cp.

Everything else wasn't interesting enough for me. Unfortunately, I missed out on btc because of that.

but I would have definitely been into cp if I was on the dark web earlier. I just already know.

i know how i feel about those kids. i know how beautiful they are to me.

I did it for a lot of reasons.

i was already so sick of carrying the weight of everyone falling in love with me so easily and they don't even know i'm a huge fucking pedo.

the only other way to not carry that burden is to change. and take children for myself.

this is what life is

this is the game of life.

anyone that tells you differently is lying or naive.

i was so sick of being held up so high and not getting any pussy.

now that i'm in the hood. there are a lot of pretty black girls that i would have fucked.

but the coons that make it into white society broke their ugly asses out of black favor's orbit.

we're all just some niggas though.

i'm so fucking racist

black people are the most racist people i know

and i'm the most racist.

I am always thinking about "if i was white"

holy fuck.

I'd be fucking so many more bitches by default.

My height, and being white. with white features.

done. easy.

and everything I am now.

yeah.

right now i just look like a black guy trying to compensate.

but if i was white. holy shit.

all jim ever talks about outside of work is how he's always getting ladies.

he's tall at best, and white. nothing over me.

white girls already know how desirable they are, why would they risk having less desirable babies?

I've always thought like this.

it only makes sense.

at a certain point, being black isn't fun anymore.

"the struggle" isn't cool anymore. I just want to be loved.

I want my sisters to be loved more by the world.

I think about my sisters all the time. compared to my whore white wife.

and it's horrible.

and i'm a hypocrite.

and life is just fucked up.

and holy shit. if i was white. i can only imagine just feeling sorry for black guys that buy into "everyone is equal so therefore you can get a white girl too".

it took my entire life, good genes, and hard creative work to get a trashy white bitch that couldn't be strong for me for shit and doesn't do shit for me and is a fucking whore not worth shit, not educated not shit. not shit. really not shit.

but she's a white girl so i guess i feel good enough now.

i am so sick of being a fucking nigger

i am so fucking sick of being a fucking nigger

i wouldn't miss being black.

it's been a great challenge. nice difficulty setting. but i'm over it. i just want to be loved now.

i just want a beautiful life, a beautiful face, i want everyone to look at me and treat me with that fucking privilege.

and all i have to do is stay silent about how fucking great it is to be fucking white

I've conquered the world just to feel more comfortable in this dark skin.

I spent 3 years on this stupid fucking shit because I don't want to always be a dumb irrelevant fucking nigger. and i lost my mind. and i couldn't keep it together. and i look crazy. my beautiful white wife thought i was going to end up on the streets, homeless.

everyone in the hood just talks about white people the same as the voices in my head.

so yeah, we're just a whole bunch of NIGGERS.

and i want to forget, and i want to be loved.

i'm a rapist

i'm a predator

because niggers can't be loved

who would love a nigger?

i'm a rapist

i'm a predator

because I've never been loved

who would love me if I haven't loved the black girls that loved me?

i'm a rapist

i'm a predator

i never had a chance to be a man and show aggression

and be physical.

I never got to express dominance

i never got to be manly

and now i just work hunched over at a computer all day solving puzzles and not getting laid

I keep flip flopping

good and evil

all i know is that i have to keep building.

--—-

it hurts when they say i'm going to prison.

they don't know me.

they don't know my situation.

i'm sure no one was hurt

I guess there are things i need therapy for.

but i'm paranoid of everything.

the people in power aren't getting therapy.

what the hell do i need therapy for?

i'm competing with them.

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