I’ve recently become a faggot. A real sad faggot at that. A girl I got really close to dumped me and got together with one of my closest friends. Me and this guy had many hours spent together on tf2 servers with 170 ping and csgo comp getting railed by smurfs. Those were good times and yet for some reason I can’t remember it ever being particularly fun. I laughed, I guess. Maybe that’s why I enjoyed it? Not sitting around doing nothing? Regardless, I moved on, sort of, and life was normal once again. Went into school and became friends with a great big bunch of people all of whom have now somehow gone in every direction opposite from each other besides one or two. I’m talking about 25-30 people here, mind you. Again, I felt that weird sadness. I can’t really describe it but it is what it is. I played lots of vidya to forget about it and I did. However, eventually tf2 got bumfuck boring and csgo was just a cesspool of “edshot machine” wannabes, hackers, and the same strats used every time but with slight variations.
One of my friends that ended up floatin away was an Overwatch player. He’d regularly reach top 500 NA every season or so and encouraged me to play it. My goal was to get good enough to become his equal and perhaps surpass him in the process. Finally, I felt happy again. A purpose in life that would require actual effort. After a month or two in I was frustrated. I just couldn’t get past a certain rank. No matter how well I played, how smartly I played or even what strats I used. i just couldn’t get past that elusive skill rating. To make things worse, the one reason I wanted to get better at the game, my friend, moved on. He went onto play a moba or some shit like that. Once more I had that weird sadness. I guess you’d call it melancholy. It’s just so fucking frustrating. Every time something goes my way it just yeets, 180s, and fucking leaves for a pack of cigarettes from the 7-11, never to return. I don’t fucking get it and for the first time ever, I’m more sad than angry. Would that make me one of those extroverts that absolutely requires validation when they achieve their personal goals? Perhaps. But I wasn’t playing Overwatch to receive praise from the guy, I simply wanted to beat him. In any video game that I played there’d always be a peak level of players and skill. I’d get good enough to impress the average joe or a newcomer but that’s about it. Never would I get past that level where other actual players from the game could acknowledge my skill. When other people just get the game and see me play “wow your Mcree aim is so good” or “man those are good roadhog hooks” it irks me deeply. It’s just another reminder that I’ll never reach that goal of becoming truly good at a game where I can compete with others on a high level and prove myself to be the better player. The smart player. The superior crack shot. To be known as someone who is ‘good.’
Am I simply not dedicating enough time to playing the game? Is it a toaster setup issue that is holding me back? Perhaps my playing style is weak.
No, no and no. I play the game pretty much all day every day. I have a good pc setup that allows me 100+FPS easily. I’m a solid believer in “if you can make your setup work, then you don’t need 300fps” and I still am. My playing style has given me great edge over those who’ve just started the game alongside me, I am sure it is not that. I just don’t know what I should do anymore. Do I want to continue my attempts at becoming one of the best in this game or just give up and move on, wherever and whatever that may be?