/blog/ - Your own personal blog

>>395

Sure we had the same hobbies but I never felt as if I could trust them. That Tai Chi teacher was the first person I considered a good friend. Other than Tai Chi I also started taking computer classes, but more specialized one's. There was only one computer teacher and he was the best. The computer teacher was a former video game developer who worked on shit like American McGee's Alice, and some outsourced parts of the OG Kingdom Hearts among other's. The only reason he went into teaching wasn't because Game Design failed him, it was because he wanted to spend more time with his family instead of sleeping under a desk at work from all the crazy overtime. He was the gold standard for someone who had actual experience in the subject he was teaching and was a wealth of knowledge. He knew how to do Graphic Design, Animation, Game Design, Web Design hell he was also doubled as the IT guy for the entire school running the server. He's the second person I could consider a real friend. Taking his classes was the first time I almost failed a class not because the teacher was shit but because I was not good enough, he taught me how to keep at it and try again to improve myself for the sake of improving. Meanwhile I snagged a position at the Library as an Aide giving me a full class period with all the free time I could want. 8th grade was wonderful and it gave me the best body, mind and attitude coming into 9th grade, and it went great, but this is where the first serious issue of me not giving a shit about anything happened. The year before the Tai Chi classes were disbanded and I started practicing less, dragging me down, but I tried to not let it stop me. I performed well in all my classes but the only meaningful one's were Computer Teacher's and the Tai Chi teacher's Chinese classes. As I was acing everyone else without trying. 9th grade passed without anything else of note, but shit started to turn sour in 10th grade. Tai Chi teacher left and while he had laid a strong foundation for learning Chinese we had only mastered the basic before he was replaced with a Taiwanese bitch who barely spoke English, and refused to explain anything, just asking for us to memorize and regurgitate, it got so bad I had to switch over to Rosetta Stone but that taught me literally nothing either as it was also just memorization but at least a bitchy voice wasn't attached. I never learned Chinese and lost my chance to learn a second language in a somewhat structured environment. I had the exact opposite problem in math though. I was given the chance to skip Algebra 2 and go straight to Pre-Calc. At that point math seemed so instinctively tied that it didn't occur to me you could go one step higher and have plenty of things taught in the lower completely untouched. To this day I have a weird disjointed knowledge of math where I have some information other's lack but lack common thing other's do as well. I was still passing everything and even started college classes at this time but actually learning things became important to me at this time, however, this was also the time I realized something that I hate about myself.

>>396

As I mentioned early I can not give a shit about anything myself, I can be intellectually interested in something but nothing connects inside for me to actually want to do it of my own initiative. I first realized this after the Tai Chi teacher left and I just stopped. I realized the only reason I cared, was because he cared. Once he stopped being there, I stopped caring, I stopped doing, and I stopped benefiting from the results. I thought this was just me being lazy at the time but it truly is my second worst trait. School of course was still going fine on paper but inside I was turning into a wreck as it started to dawn on me what my worst trait was. I mentioned the Asperger's diagnose earlier and it comes into play here. No one ever explained to me what the difference between boy's and girl's was until 9th grade. Having finally had it explained to me in great detail I felt like an idiot for not connecting the dots together earlier. The thought had literally never crossed me before about the subject and I realized I had never had sexual feelings for anything. Hell, my friends tried to joke about masturbating but I didn't even understand that, no one bother to mention it, it's just something you figure out yourself. Well I evidently didn't until now. Now that I finally understand the difference, my worst character trait started to gnaw at my mind. The slow, gnawing internal realization that I might hate being a boy, and want to be girl. I hated the idea so much that I repressed it for months but it always gnawed at my mind. Summer's were worse than school though. My father ran his own used car business but refused to hire helper's so as his son during summer I spent hours upon hours working under the hot sun repairing, moving and cleaning a derelict parking lot. This instilled a hate of summer and free time to this day as it reminds me of my father being able to arbitrarily pick me up and put me down in that horrid lot for hours on end, him yelling at me for every little mistake I made.

>>397

Thus 10th grade passed with my body not only degrading but my mind slowly drifting into a depression slump. My grades, including multiple AP classes, and actual college courses from distance campuses, dropped only slightly, but they did start to drop. 11th grade began and I was starting to lose my grip on my priorities. At the time I started studying psychology if only to disprove my self-diagnosis, that I was perhaps misinterpreting something but I couldn't find anything. Maybe I was depressed for other reasons, but if so, I was an incredibly high functioning depressive person on the outside. The biggest mistake I made was trying to double down on taking as many of the Computer techer's classes as possible, as at the time I thought I was genuinely interested in all the subjects and thought I should prioritize them. This throw the rest of my schedule into array. I had to switch from Chemistry to Physic halfway through the semester never properly learning one or the other and left with jack shit for both. I stopped taking PE because it didn't seem useful, but to some degree I was still happy and my sleep and life were mostly still under control. I again mostly auto-piloted good grades as it wasn't that hard for me given the great foundation I started with but shit started cracking in 12th grade.

>>398

12th grade saw two things starting, one, I finally figured out what masturbation was and for the first time did it at the tail end of 17. Now I had read erotic literature, and even glanced at porn across my life but I didn't feel anything erotic about it, just curiosity. Perhaps growing up in a Christian household fucked over my sense of sex as it was never talked about, but it lead to the current problem. In addition, the symptoms of being a tranny with no one to talk to was taking it's toll, I developed insomnia completely wrecking myself mentally and physically. The first semester passed by in a blur as I still felt productive, taking classes as I pleased. Then I was thrown into a pile of shit. In all my college courses and computer courses those PE classes I had been neglecting earlier were needed for me to graduate high school. In fact, by the last semester, I had to take two credits but of course wasn't allowed to just take the same class twice. In addition to all other shit hitting the fan I needed to take an extra curricular as well. I completely hated any and all sports as I never understood what was fun about them and definitely didn't want to be surrounded by men all the time as I'm internally exploding. However, because of my good grades and records she let me cheat and take "meditation classes" with that old Tai Chi teacher, who I got in contact with. This is in addition to working a part time job, and in addition to all the extra projects I did for the computer teacher. My sleep schedule was a wreck and I had almost zero free time but everything distracted me from myself. In addition to taking all these classes, I directed an animated claymation short in class, designed a board game, passed two AP tests, took multiple college courses. As I just barely managed to limp past the finish line of my High School graduation, I sank into the darkest pit of my life. I knew what I was doing after that summer, as the college I was taken classes from offered me a full ride scholarship for my grades, but that was the first time I realized I would never see my Computer teacher again, nor most anyone else I knew either. I started browsing 4chan at this time and it exasperated my insomnia even worse. I nearly crashed while doing my job, twice. And once I actually fell asleep in my car as I pulled up to my work, only to be woken up by my manager looking for me since she saw the car. I finally had no distractions left and my mental state started failing severely. I started fighting with my Father almost every time we talked, at one point he through me down a flt of concrete steps in a state of rage from a smart alec comment. I hated my Mother and didn't want to be talked to by her either. I lost interest in literally everything that was not mindless internet trash as there was no one to give me things to be interested in anymore, all my teacher's were gone, and I was by myself. I started college and somehow managed to survive the first semester as it was still general studies that were barely different from High school. It was at this time that I realized, as an 18 year old, I could seek treatment if I believed I was a tranny, and try to do something about it. So I decided, I would start hormones, and if I didn't feel like it improved my situation I would stop, and if I did decide to go through with it. I would commit suicide if after two years I did not look reasonable close to a woman. So at the tail end of my first semester of college I started it without any therapist visit as I could not afford it, and felt better after two weeks. I was finally relieved I had a solution to my problems, until, it fully donned on me that I was a transsexual, and all the expensive, complicated, socially hellish consequences that meant, so even though I felt better, I completely crashed even worse before my finals into a deeper depression, but I still managed through by the grit of my teeth and even managed to keep my scholarship. It was at this time I fully actually tried to date, starting with this own websites /cuteboys/ board. With nothing to lose and growing more effeminate by the day, I started looking for relationships that might accept the piece of shit that I was.

>>399

My first ever relationship was actually a long distance threesome, and it ended as badly as you can imagine, but I ecstatic from the start. Someone finally showed me the affection I was never brave enough to ask for in high school and we had similar interest. Shown the slightest bit of affection I accepted all kinds of weird BDSM shit that a first relationship certainly shouldn't have but that's all in retrospect. It was quite fun for the first few months, everyone was genuine and it was first love as much as a bastard one like this can be. At the time I was making plans to move in with a pair of people I'd never met in person without a second thought I was that emotionally charged, however, I also had different problems. In order to continue my schooling, I needed a major to study in. I couldn't just mindless blob around classes I needed to choose what I wanted, and this is where I fully came to terms with the fact I did not give a fuck about anything in particular. I chose psychology because it still mildly interested me but as soon as I started taking the classes a sense of doubt and second guessing pervaded everything. I was depressed, on hormones, in a strange LDR, I was a ticking timebomb, and it all came down when I left my email logged in on a family computer. My mother not only read everything she could find she screen capped it too. She threatened to call the police on my boyfriend and the other tranny girlfriend in the threesome. I fell into the strongest panic I ever have, it seemed like the world was crashing down. In the end it amounted to literally nothing as she didn't report anything and just kept pestering me but that was the most stressful 24 hours I've ever experience. It was enough though, I stopped taking my classes entirely, I purchases plan tickets to move two states away, and quit my job. Int he biggest fuck you I could manage, I moved out of the house my parent's owned in the middle of their week long vacation. I told no one where I was going and that I was going. They came home a week later to an empty room and house, myself completely gone.

>>400

Luckily, I did not get raped or sold into slavery, nor was I catfished. I actually had successfully managed to turn a LDR into a real relationship. I moved into my own apartment for the first time, I had sex for the first time (with the tranny), and realized I absolutely craved physically affection I was never shown at home and I felt life was looking up. My then boyfriend wasn't there as he lived in another country at the time, but he was to arrive soon in less than a month. Once he did, I was so excisted, as we were both subs int he relationship me and the tranny, it didn't feel absolutely real until he showed up, and when he did… he completely ignored me, had sex with the other tranny, and the closest I ever got to sex was his dick in my mouth for 1 minute before leaving. I had given up everything and put everything in a bag to get this. I thought I just needed to wait at first, but he never did anything, then I thought it was because I needed a job, so I tried for weeks and got one, he still didn't do anything. In the end I finally confronted him about it and he hand waived it off and said he realized he wasn't as into it as he thought, and told me to move out of the bedroom into the living room, and that we weren't in a relationship anymore. That's the first time I truly, and carefully, considered my own suicide. I got to the roof of out 14 floor apartment building, an older one, with only a measly chain link fence preventing me from getting to the edge, a convenient park bench to sit on and enjoy the view. I sat down, and had to struggle for 30 minutes on whether or not I throw myself off. Time passed by so slowly. Thinking of my body fall and splat on the ground was terrifying but I took it as just another option. In the end, I grabbed the chain link fence, and decided that it wasn't worth it just yet, I still had 18 months of hormones to determine if I'd even pass so I could try for another, more normal relationship. I cried myself to sleep that night, alone and cold. My exes married a week later, I was fired a week after that. I desperately tried to find a new job because my roommates were not longer lovers but cold and distinct. I took a temp job in a warehouse and realized that this was what I had become, some faggot living in the closet of the apartment owned by my now married exes, only here because they brought me here and decided they didn't want me. My mother by this time had cooled off as she had realized that if she didn't accept me as I was she would never hear from me again, so I contacted her, asked if I could come back, a mere 3 months after disappearing, she said I could. I quit my job, flew on a plane the next day and went home. Life sucked but it was slightly less shit than being a cuck. I managed to get my classes I dropped out of expunged from the record due to my now diagnosed mental illness, restoring my GPA. I got a slightly less shitty job, and managed to find, this time a far more normal boyfriend from /cuteboys/, as lonely as I was. One restaurant date and we hit it off so well I went to his house and fucked him right then and these, first time having sex with me on the receiving end, it was amazing, by the second date I knew he was a keeper. We were both poor as shit but we loved each other and the affection was real this time. We dated for 3 months, we then moved into together, 6 months in I accidentally asked him to marry me, he said yes. I realized at that time that not only were people calling me Miss in stores and restaurants but I was looking fine to myself and my husband, and quit my plans for suicide on that matter. 9 months later we were married, and I've been happily married for one year as of today. I still don't give a shit about anything, in fact, college still terrifies me because of that, and being a tranny is pure hell, but, in the end, I am incredibly fortunate. At least for now.

Sage for blogpost :^)

>>403

yes

I read your story, OP. I'm glad everything worked out for you. Transitioning is hard but the only alternative is suicide.

>>404

Good. Unless there's been some kind of break through I don't know of. All transition therapy is a gaping flesh wound where your dick is supposed to be.

>>429

>All transition therapy

You mean vaginoplasty?

You're a fuckup. Kill yourself or fix yourself.