/blog/ - Your own personal blog

I saw /hwndu/ at the top and you know I don't know how people are still interested in that, but of course it seems obvious that the people who are into it are people who had a lot of fun with the original event and they're all kind of just still hanging around because they've all come to be like a group whatever, and really that is heartening, yes you know I'm not always down on groupings, maybe I just don't feel it after having released all my rage last night and then that dream I mentioned about kissing some cosplaying rikka girl, well two of them. Strange dream that I do think still has some importance I've been reluctant to put it into my dream journal maybe yeah because it's not exactly, I don't know, and I'm not ashamed of it I don't care about real women I find them disgusting, regardless of the dream having this made up scenario and fictional world and people, as dreams do, but does it mean I'm lonely, well I know that, or rather it's about love, and that's something maybe I'll go into later. But I was saying so I have gotten this kissing fetish developing but I still havn't masturbated today, though it is only 10:05 actually I must have woken up very early.

I know 8chan died a long time ago and I don't really care about it at all, but and I hate to say this if I did have to pick which is worse I guess I would say 4chan is, just worse. That's a whole big topic as to why but I thought about this when I saw also at the top /girltalk/ which seems to be unironic, like it's a real board and all, now I don't know how big it'll get it's near the top of the boards though, it's the red pelican in the coalmine, like how everyone underestimated /lgbt/ and its permanent everlasting effect that now plagues 4chan. You know these people who are always on about how anything to do with immigration is terrible and they dont' seem to understand it themselves, of course not, would you trust anyone of these idiots on image boards to be any sort of leader type they can't see anything, they don't understand a damn thing, not anyone using or owning one, that's another reason again I'd stand out because I am always put into leadership positions naturally because I see and care too much.

you see these movies and things using 70's ironic-hipster songs, which is great you know I guess whatever. But I'd really like to see early 2000's songs to really make it into things, sometimes I really like listening to songs like "suddenly I see", "ur so gay", "skater boi" "stacy's mom" "99 red balloons" and so on, you know and there's obvious every type of emotion you can get though mostly teen feeling and I don't know, use those songs already, you know maybe hopefully in 20 years we'll see them all around in things and they'll be considered oldie retro classics.

Speaking of that actually I am reminded of something I've written out my feelings before and people are just fucking idiots, I hate people calling early 20th century music "fallout music, bioware music" it's fucking disgusting, now before I said you only see these kinds of retards on youtube and while true you probably won't find many outside the internet because the internet is the normalfag capital of reality, just real life exaggerated in all bad and maybe a few small good ways, but I'm not too sure when I raised this problem on an image board, which yes I am done with social anything but I just made a rare thread and I was reminded that day once again why I don't talk to anyone, these people were all just the same level of delusion perhaps worse when it comes to these things and unironically, it's embarrassing. Just stop, I don't care if you want to admit it's a song you heard from this game but jesus fuck shut up about labeling it something so ridiculously fucking annoying.

I still am not anywhere close to having my music be to the ordering I want it, though I guess nothing is, my pictures still need a lot of work, at least the animation folder does. and actually my video folders aren't terrible. but there's always somethings to do and crazy to think if I just dedicated a few days I get everything done really, we have so much time in a day.

But a few days ago I didn't mention I erased all the mood tags I added to the music, I deiced to just use the grouping category for all tags, aside from genre of course, and even then you could have crossover, but that's ultimately why I needed to forget the mood category it was too hard to really define and there was some overlapping in grouping. Tempo though is still going to remain the same with 5 speed tags. So now I have to start over though, again. this time hopefully I'll get it right because I already fucking went through all the music at one point probably 3 years ago and I don't want to leave gaps like I did then to fix later, I want this to be the final time and assert the tags I want as the only ones.

while I'm in this hiatus of everything,…I don't know what I was typing. but I think I was thinking about how nothing is happening and nothing is going to happen.

So I came back after going into apply for best buy online, every single online application process manages to be the worst possible, they try their best to make it awful. and it's just so obviously sloppy. it's gross. but I finally get to the actually questions, all the stupid questions they ask even though they are all already answered on my resume and they ask me for a cover letter, I don't even know what the fuck that is….now I've put whatever so everything is done and I feel fucking sick, after they say it'll be reviewed shortly, god I hope they dont' call me back, I just feel so queasy thinking that someone will read this shit and call me back and then I'll have to go out to an interview and all this stuff. I don't want to work so badly but I don't know what to do. rather of course I shouldn't want to work, rather I can't work, I know I can't because I gave up twice.

Fantasy chronicles I: I have a fantasy of writing many of my extreme opinions in my blogs to have them sent to some place I work and then be fired and have it turn into a media circus and leave my family because of the things they'd read about what I've said about them.

I saw an image of berserk here, with a demon with a comically afro brain popping out that's probably taken seriously in context, how embarrassing. though mostly the reason I don't like berserk is not the tone exactly but the excessive demonology, I guess I'm just not into extreme demon things, it gets to be too ridiculous and too much, and gross. like the insect pit scene in king kong kind of just unsettling and just death permanently hanging over everything. I don't know, don't like berserk, but I don't like anything apparently I can't fucking bring myself to do anything.

people are always very polarized, on the internet, I always specify the internet now because I can't believe in my heart that people are just as insane and weird in real life, I mean they are sure but now in the same ways at all, I hope so. people feel the need to be one side or the other, politics are obvious it's gotten horribly bad, everyone seems to be racist or just racist towards white people, but it's more than that this mentality has been rubbed everywhere like a cream pudding on a chocolate milkshake, like people with star wars, thankfully we have someone like rlm who doesn't hate lucas and love jj abrams and disney and blah blah blah, but you get these people who are actually trying to defend the prequels now because the new movies are even worse, and in terms of entertainment that's true, but why do you need to get so defensive about it as if now these are great films and george lucas is a superhero who invented star wars all on his own and everything he ever did was great. I already actually talked about the new movies though and the weird cult of people that think jj abrams is to blame for everything that ever happens now. Disney higherups though (the people who actually make their movies) get off with a free pass, because they hide themselves, but even people like that woman who's head of star wars, she's not even worth looking up her name, she's fucking terrible you can tell mark hamil hates her too.

I really hate having anyone talk to me when I don't want it, anyone should, well you'd think but people never don't want to talk they just never fucking shut up and want to be in with all their human groupings. a hear a knock on the door and no one is there I go down to the kitchen to refill my water container and there's two people in the kitchen, which is terrible I try to avoid going there when anyone is in there, and then I am leaving and my mother says "you're not eating" in the stupid fucking tone that anyone can imagine the stupid fucking typical woman's tone, I can see that there's food there fuck off, for real why the fuck are you asking me that, even if it was true or not just fuck off, and then of course it's not a real question these peopel don't ask questions excepting answers they ask them to be annoying and condescending and petty so she immidiatly starts talking to the other person while I'm surprised trying to answer anyone's no one listen when I say "I don't know" and then I come back later while these two stupid fucking sister twats are there and one is always singing trying to be loud and obnoxious actually talking about family is making me too angry, it's like last night I wanted to fucking kill them, and their privileged I don't if I decide not to that's the same as giving you life and they dont' even know I am the one giving them and letting them live.

But anytime I ever hear something about me my name or anyone try to address me it instantly makes me sweat, just stop doing it act more like a fucking human address people properly like when you fucking approach them simply and have something of value to them

my nails have gotten too long it's effecting my typing again.

I'm sure if the heat ever finally goes away I'll feel much less angry and frustrated. You know all my dreams in my recordings are nightmares of death, and so many nightmares related to the store when I was working, after being so angry last night I really have been taken aback by the dream, I really should hurry up and record it before I forget it again, it's only because I saw an anime image of faces pressing together I remembered it, I guess it's recorded in the blog anyways I can go back for it, it's just so surprising I don't know when the last time was I had any dream like that, or if I ever have, dreams are really just nightmares, or at best weird things that aren't necessarily scary, maybe, though I don't think I've ever had that so actually it's really just nightmares, especially last month when I become frightened to sleep and tried to just stay awake for days after having an underwater dream with sea monsters, deep murky water is by far the scariest environment, and I didn't' even have that dream in first person, the dream was about people going out on these underwater bridges leading to a platform and these giant sea snakes and shakes and whatever would just pick them off, but I was viewing it from a third person II wasn't one of the people, if I was I wouldn't be able to handle it at all which is what I was so scared of having that dream again, I don't think though my brain would even be able to do that because it's so scary…and actually I had just thought that maybe I should stop before I give myself a true nightmare, I just realised I've never had a dream about my greatest fear. I have had dreams about bugs lots of times but never the one that the very image just cripples me I hate them, but I won't go into that anymore, mentioning what it is would of course be stupid.

but I said I'd talk about love more since I had that dream, naturally I don't think I care, actually I don't know I pride myself on being honest all the time so maybe I should admit I want love with someone, but I have to always be so cautious because I'm not sure what's me and what people have tried to impose on my brain, like when people always imply I have mental issues which isn't true but I start believing them because they never fucking shut up about it and other shit. perhaps I should pose the question like, if someone loved me could I love them back. And I put no conditions on who the person is, because I think it's foolish to believe in the first place there'd ever be someone I'd want to be in any kind of relationship with that lasted more than a few months, I think my longest lasting friend record was almost 2 years in middle school one time. You see this isn't about finding anyone because I hate everyone and should, I am trying to determine if I'm past this problem the same way I have no interest in family making, the family instincts, which some may think is falling, but really I don't think it is, people may have less kids than before on average yeah, but that's again a bigger topic and I don't know all the facts. So I don't know, I have to say no by default, I think I would still basically do anything for anyone if they took care of me for the rest of my awesome life like a pet, that's not really love though, it isn't suppose to be I just want to use them like I use all people. But do not confuse this with another gender, I want to survive it's a matter of life and death, and even if options were open I'd have to eat shit and lick foot to be that honoured. So it's another place I get stuck and can't get into it easily, much like the question of whether I hate everyone because they hate me or they hate me because I hate everyone. and it takes a while to think, of course with that one I have given much thought into, this though is greatly senseless because I know I'll never find love, but do I care? I hope not, and I haven't even reached the hard years yet when most kissless virgins do go through a phase of wanting love, then again I'm always ahead a little in time so maybe these are the years and I don't even know it.

Every smart algorithm I can calculate says of course I wouldn't want anyone to be close to me unless they were perfect for me which they can't be because that would require never talking to me and talking to me all at the same time, and I use this logic for friends too, but I still have connection and loss issues, I still don't like being alone, since I quit online chatting it's still painful, will it ever go away anyways? I can't write anymore right now blue babies attacking again.

it's actually no wonder what's causing so much anger, I haven't and refuse to watch anything, it's only right for me to be mad, nothing is my fault for being in my position or not being able to enjoy anything. reminds me of those assholes that perform some filmed experiment with themselves locked in some kind of room, if you know you're being watched by a fucking million people it's not the same is it retards, you have to be completely useless and futile in everything you do, like building sand castles and having them knocked over the moment they are built, but that's just your whole life, and yes everyone's life is like that in the very end but they don't know they're so delusional and horsetrack minded they can't even think of it that way. They're distracted by life and society is built to distracted as long as your on the track, and I'm not even at the absolute level, you'd have to be in the actual middle of nowhere with no one knowing you're there at all or alive at all, somewhere in the artic, that's absolutely crazy, though at the same time it might be easier because it's the only choice, you don't have to see the other side of things, you don't feel obligated or chained to feelings because your mind knows it can't have it, so you get easier to being alone.

but that's all for other people, worthless, useless. I am mad that nothing I do matters, that's probably a very rare time I've said such a thing in such a blunt way, I don't like to but that's kind of what it is then I guess. again no nothing matters ever in many different variations, but if anyone really believed that they would fall over and cease all movements imminently and die, of course I live, and I live for nothing but I still have needs primitive needs, maybe that's the reason we haven't seen any aliens, when you reach a certain level of intelligence you just basically accept death and the entire advance society just stops.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aV-J1GW-waQ

I was writing out how I wanted friends, but that's just another moment of weakness, there's no one for you, there's never been anyone for you. but what is worth it. is the pain of losing friends outweighing the pain of just never having any temporary friends, everyone gets temporary friends even if they last much longer, that's why people are always divorcing too I'm glad and happy I don't have the family instincts… holy fuck can you imagine being sick of music and getting out of it, I just realised because that and blogging is all I have now, but I know visual entertainment will come back soon. but man, horrible.

well actually if I go to the other extreme and accept everything like I really think I do in many ways I probably could enjoy my awesome life like this, but I still feel maybe finding people is almost worth it even if we can't be together long, but that's one reason I stopped I was so sick of everyone and I still am I can't even be around people regardless.

"my" "life" is changed to "my awesome life", due to this filter I'll have to cut this blog run short and migrate to the next place.

I hadn't decided where to go next or really I just put the eternal blog on halt, I was thinking I don't even know where I originally started.

I had to come back and felt like posting something since this was the last place I was, I went out and to the computer store to buy an xbox controller for my computer because I finally decided to play a game, it's been a while but I feel like playing a big triple whatever a game, so then I saw these two people I went to school with and they're having fun whatever and I noticed more people in groups of two, like a fucking lot of people, like everyone there was so many people my age in these groups of two it was weird and just mean to make me feel bad, of course those assholes from my school didnt' say anything, they must have rexongised me I even tried making eye contact I don't care I just wanted to tell them "fuck you and stuff" like all fun like but no. I was there for an hour looking at things and trying to get people working there, their attention to get the controller behind a glass, and a mouse I was looking at but didn't buy, it turned out not to be $10 but $90, no mouse is worth over $40, you're being ripped off, lots of cheap mice are fine.

but anyways I felt really bad, I was certain I would never buy anything agaion and save all my money for being a neet but I can't do that what the fuck am I suppose to do, I can't eve, I have to work, I'm starting a new job on wednesday, I can't do it, I know I won't be able to, I'll fail again, it takes so long to bike to that store I felt so terrible and sad all the way back, people my age should have one person tofsd do things.

and I've been freaking out all night I odn't want to start that job and I don't want to be alone anymore I don't have fun with anything, and then I try to meet people online in chats, I am very open, I'll even talk in voice chat I'll do anything and no one like sme I don't like them.

I'm so sweaty, I'll feel better tommorrow anyways, I always hate night.

everyone is always looking at me when I'm outside or thinking I'm weird, I don't know, I don't shave usually it takes too long so I have these two weird patches on my cheek, but I feel naked, maybe my fashion I don't dress in anything really, it';s stupid I dress stupid too, everything I do is dumb, I hate him ,I don't know. I don't have anything else I'm fine and I'll be fine because I have Nio, love you Nio, I have lots of them love you Nio

I really felt like I was getting better and fine with things, because I was willing to buy something to enjoy something, that's fucking normal, so then why even feel so bad, feel so awful, because it's fucking nothing. those fucking two assholes fucked my shit up, if the store wasn't filled with dumbassholes my age and their friends I'd be fine but they all just happen to be there, all of them, those shitheads that stole my dnd boks are probably still together, how and why, so I don't feel any better, I should have been happy, I'll be happy, tommorrow, I'm only guilty to myself. I can't go there I've been hyperventailating constantly tonight, going to work at this place is going to take so long to bike there, and I have to cross so many lights, like crossings, I don't understand them, I don't know when to go, I don't want to inconvience any cars turning my way and I get scared sometimes I juist can't cross at all and I have to cross so many of them, my head's hurting now, won't go into anymore

well I don't really care I'm desperate now anyways and I'm okay in admitting that, people that don't are idiots, not that anyone really ever has to be desperate, everyone's fine in this category, sure. until they're really old like I always say old grandpas never have friends, and they've come to terms with everything, it's unsettling and creepy how old people are fine with everything like the body is just getting you ready to die.

But I don't care okay I can be like other people anyways, so I'm going to start and go to popular social media online things and just act normal like everyone and be less intrusive, I think my way of being is fine and more fun but if peopel don't like me I don't have to be me I don't care anymore, I haate myselfe anytways I'm going to go to make frineds nad play game sonline and do things, I don't care about anything on my own anymore anyways, a few years ago I was fine on my own, but I'm starting to really get upset. I'll update progress maybe, I can find maybe even local online things like people in mississauga on reddit or twitter and make accounts and see things.

you know…people boogie-man reddit so hard without them actually seeing what it's like, yet I do see, and it's way worse than anyone actually knows. it turned me off right away to making friends, I'm okay.

"geeky discord?"

"Do you like memes? Meme Team is here for ya."

"M/15 Just looking for someone"

"Discord for teens!"

what a disturbing reality. you knoiw it's been so long wince I really connected with someone, well since middleschool I had someone that was really fun but I actually don't remember what it was like, how it worked.

Now while reddit is far from any majority I really don't think the real world is much better, see these are real world people, they are just embarrassing themselves a little online before going back to their lives. but the thing is you see I can't meet with people in real life either because that's just not how it works, that's impossible to do, but you know after taking a piss I'm fine that was just the climax of my autistic spasm. I'm fine the way things are

it's just human interaction of course, least get confused with the term "friends" yeah some people actually have "friends" and some people might not think they do but it's about human interaction and they still get it lots of times, even if it's just online, I used to get it online, I don't feel like I like anything anymore, the 4chan crowd is pure garbage, and so is everyone else

okay though for real anyways I feel fine now nad back to everything I can go again, I do plan to migrate the blog, I always have for years, I can take breaks too. nio nio nio

actually there is one thing I had acidentally looked at this other thread about this guy complaining about college, "waaaah, college is so hard" how embarressing, even more so that he didn't have to pay for it.

peopel are fucking retarded, eh, yeah if the pot-belly child eating rice chicklets looks at me I say I don't have that right, though that's a whole new tier isn't it, if you don't really know what you're missing it's not the same it's a compeltely different world you're born into.

so it's not about being a pompus asshole "waaah waaah uni is so hard waaah" fucking lake of fire,

snobby cunts

okay that's enough, I hope I sleep soon and feel even greater then because I deserve to. I love myself I love myself. anger always good anger always good all emotions tyhey don't understand but use them all I do becuause I'm smart and better than you now I'm making rap music asshloeleleelelelelelelgsd j sg

s gs s

fuuuuckc yoiu

okay I'm still alive, but I've been so disalued lately I'm going to start that stupid fucking job because I have to and I'm going to quit at some point later, hopefully soon after or get fired, but like everything is so bad, I made a thread on /v/ and all those people are just elitist boring assholes like always, you know it is everyone, I'm not going to pretend it isn't because it's everyone everyone is the same person I hate them, and people like me hate each other too.

But just make it fucking stop, I just don't care about online shit, it's childish bullshit, every chat room feels like something only 15 year olds should be doing, and it should be, I'm not saying everyone is a kid, they are but I'm not saying it, but that's how it should be. fits much better that way, people act so fucked online, it's so fake, and I'm sick of fake people pretending so hard

okay okay no more no more. arbadurchi

being mean like you are, i am light years away from being a bad person. you made your own grave, you can fumble and mumble all about how its everyones fault and not yours. i think i can walk away letting you fall finally. its not me that will suffer anything - instead i might be happier not having to care about you.