No.158661
Life is so shitty and I can't stand it. And I'd like to tell someone somewhere how I feel about it. Every two or so weeks I get like this and then some cruel god twists the knob on my back and gets me moving again for no discernable reason, for nothing to look forward to, to completely unrealistic hopes and desires that I know will never come. So I'm constantly in this cycle of brutal awareness followed by a break which becomes a powerful hope which then fades away back into brutal self awareness. I'm tired of living and I'm tired of life and I want to tell someone.
I can't talk about my entire life story but I can make it quick so you can get some understanding. For most of my life from 10 years old to 25, my life was characterized first with humiliation, embarrassment, and patheticness. My parents were awful, hypocritical, and neglectful. My peers used me as a punching bag and a laughing stock. For the latter part you can just imagine me going to work or school, then gaming until my eyes burned, then going to sleep, for almost a decade. I knew early on I hated living. I would cry about being beaten by my father, I would cry about being bullied in school. I remember spending lunch time alone just on my phone chatting online or reading something. Life was something I had to endure to get to the video games. The video games was oxygen for me. When I got older I needed a job so I could keep playing video games.
By the time I became 25 I came to an epiphany. My life is horrific. And I need to do something about it. In the span of three years I lost weight and got in much better shape, I got a good career, I left and no contacted my family, and I am financially independent and I live alone. I got two hobbies in real life. But life still sucks. Sometimes, it's unbearable.
Before I go on, I need to tell you, I think that I am genuinely a broken person. I am extremely opinionated and judgmental. I know that I am a know-it-all. I can judge and hate you very quickly just by knowing one thing about you, you are instantly put in the "not a human being" bucket. I am pretentious. I cannot forgive people and I despise people who make excuses or say "theyve changed" when almost always it's circumstances or hardly a change at all. I have many controversial opinions and beliefs, values and convictions. I have pride in living by them. For example I do not look at pornography and I haven't for almost 6 years. I have denied opportunities to violate my values when I could've and would've benefitted. I feel like I am in many ways, intrinsically superior to most people. Most people, from what I've read and experienced, will hit you with their car accidentally but drive away if they knew they could get away with it. People often only have self-serving beliefs, and then change them when the beliefs no longer serve their whims or current predicament. I hate people a lot. I am alien to them. I believe different things, I do different things than them, I cannot relate to them, I notice their hypocrisy all the time. It gets worse. I have a terrible personality, well in a way you couldn't have predicted. I either cannot stop fucking talking, laughing and giggling and nonstop blabbing about anything and everything that comes to mind, or I act stoic and agree shallowly just to get along. I've tried for years to stop being like this but it is so difficult I often forget and only remember after I realized I've been running my fucking mouth. Essentially, I act like an annoying little sidekick desperate to talk but at the same time with opinions and beliefs most people despise. I hate my personality. But if it can be changed, I don't know how to fix it.
____________________________
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No.158662
part 2
Almost every role model I've ever had or known has failed me. My parents are totally morally bankrupt. My dad has a child in NJ that I've never met, my mother divorced her first husband to be with my rocker dad who did drugs and lived in his car. My brother was like me until one day a woman sexted him and he immediately went to fuck her because he had an opportunity. The Crusaders in history? They were in large part a bunch of barbaric, stupid raiders who had whores follow them around. They went crazy in battle for loot and would even lose some battles because they were so disorganized and greedy they'd stop fighting to loot. Ok fine, the knightly orders? The Hospitallers/Malta did have an epic siege at Malta but they were hypocrites, they had whorehouses all the time and were criticized for using them. The Teutonic knights? They were ok I guess? But they did nothing noteworthy or good for the world. The Templars? They were ok but some scandals give me suspicion about them. Presidents? Washington quelled the Whisky rebellion. Jefferson had slaves and may have had sex with one I don't know for sure. John Adams was a federalist. Milton Friedman was pretty good, up until his monetary policy helped influence horrible things and his last words on the economy was so fucking wrong. Ayn Rand? Lmao.
I was raised catholic and I really love a lot of what Christianity represents and does. I love the rules, the standards, how strictly it takes relationships and marriage, how it teaches you to defer gratification. But I cannot bring myself to believe, and I've been reading and listening to apologetics for years. I find the philosophy and arguments very interesting but I can't bring myself to believe. The world is too uncaring and the story of Christianity is far too specific to be real in my mind. Another big problem. I despise... the forgiveness and fucking love your enemies bullshit. Actually, I cannot relate or understand or desire "god's love" at all. I hate that God is not even a god that follows his own rules. I am so prideful and strict in what I want, I want a god that makes rules not even he is willing to break. Like a moral statue of indestructible inflexibility. God in the bible often kills babies and causes rather indiscriminate atrocities, and if you are believer now, he permits evils not from free will (which is fair, evil from others will is fair to me as his hands are free) but evils where someone is born with a terrible disease or circumstance wrought from nature outside of their control. It's like playing a video game and your character is nerfed at the start. And you can't quit the game and you can't get a new character. It's unjust and it's unfair, and just unfun suffering.
With all this in mind, I now need to let you know since forever I've always wanted to have a girlfriend/wife. Make fun of me or call me dumb, but I've always wanted someone who was at least somewhat like me. Someone who takes sex and relationships seriously like me, essentially like a Christian. But someone who could stand by my side and help me go against the world. Not like actually go against the world, I'm not planning on destroying anything or anyone. What I mean by this is someone to be by my side to endure this shit we call life. The hypocritical people, the struggles. Someone I can trust and talk to, relate to, someone who would actually want to hear my thoughts and opinions. And I would want to be there for them in the same way. I would want them to sometimes need me, I would want to be there for them. A romantic partner I could also be my confidant and ally. Am I being unrealistic? Yes. I used to not think so, but reality has struct me hard and I now see that I am.
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No.158663
>>158662
part 3
I always felt like I was a completely undesirable worm to women, and a pathetic man to men. I've always been picked on or made fun of. Although some women even in this state did show interest in me in school, for some inexplicable reason I ignored it even though I remembered it. It did not count? It was irrational. When I lost weight and got some muscle while I didn't become some super chad, it was obvious I was not "unfuckable". The thoughts before I realized this however, have been extremely dark. I don't have the words to describe it well enough.
For the first time in my life, the last two months I tried dating for the first time. This is after I've lived a few months in a new state and are now completely independent. I tried finding women in some hobbies but one hobby has almost no women (but some friends at least) and the other it was difficult to talk to women in it. So I tried using dating apps, I've known many friends and people who have found success with them. I get plenty of matches, if I try to use them several a day. Maybe one per day will talk. Then I get maybe 2-3 dates a month. It is so horrible using these apps. Most women do not respond to you. When they do it's no effort, you can already tell she's talking to someone else. I hate dating. I cannot talk to people unless it is an interrogation about their lives. I try to tell a story related to the conversation or a personal experience and it's just awful. I can't even relate to these women. Totally different ways of thinking, totally different hobbies, beliefs are never similar enough. I'm not funny or interesting. I am not charismatic or whatever the fuck. I'm just boring and responsible, with a thousand pounds of beliefs and assumptions hidden behind my face that I want to find a moment to let out. Lol. Maybe I'm interesting to men, that's for sure. I can relate to some men for sure. But one woman was obsessed with me and I have no idea why. She would start agreeing with whatever I said and it felt very fake. I was awkward and would be terrible in conversations. And then she wanted to sleep with me on the second date. I was disgusted. She has little to relate to me with, she waves away potential incompatibilities with things, then she wants to fuck me so early. She even paid for dinner on the second date which was shocking. But, she wants to have sex with someone she doesn't know to well, she probably has done this with many other men before. That is a boundary for me, so I cut it off with her. One woman was very much like me. We had so much in common and we chatted for hours. But then she said she smokes weed every day all day. And I had to tell her we couldn't be together. It always feels so horrible because I know it's the responsible thing to do but it also means I have to go slog it out in the app again, suffering through conversations that go nowhere.
I've quit using the apps. But it gets worse. I've realized that I do not relate to women really much at all. The way women think and act is totally alien to me. What I like to read, talk and listen to is almost entirely male dominated. Women love animals, being empathetic, dealing with people. I do not like animals, I hate being empathetic, and I despise dealing with people. Most women also have body counts and are mostly progressive liberals, which I am very much not one, actually I couldn't be any more against that sort of alignment. I realize that most people in relationships with women the women just kinda hang out with a guy and they don't have that much in common, convenience or attraction holds it together for the most part. Good relationships like how I describe do exist, but not with people like me, and they are not as common.
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No.158664
>>158663
part 4
I find myself trying to distance myself from being online and playing video games all day, and living in real life so I could have friends in real life and maybe a girlfriend. But I realize that it will take forever, and I will probably never get far in it. And I also see some guys get girlfriends even from playing games online, I even know two guys specifically who did this. Yet I did not get any women in this way despite being very active in social games and online competitive games in the past. The most damaging thing is that my near terminal online activity has made me unrelatable to most people and most of my life experiences is tied to unreal worlds in a computer screen. I wasted my life. I'm 28 now and I don't see this getting better any faster. By the time I'm 35 maybe. But by then I'll be older, which isn't a problem in itself. But I'll just have to endure more suffering. Every day is suffering really. I have some friends I do hobbies with but it is fleeting and I can't do it all day. One hobby in particular I can just concentrate on and it is skill based. Training and practicing to get better is enjoyable. But then it's just like a video game but costs more and is in real life. What the hell am I even doing? Every day I yearn for a girlfriend and wife yet I know I'll probably never get one that I'll be happy with. Every day I get older it'll be harder to find a woman who hasn't been sleeping with other men before, or a woman who aligns with my beliefs. Life just sucks. And I don't know how to stop this downward spiral.
Since I listen and read so much Christian philosophy I am thinking of joining a church and participating in activities there just to be with people and keep myself busy. Maybe even find a woman, but really, I have a lot of misgivings about that. But even then I have so much consternation. My doubts on Christianity are real and heavy. And what if the activities do not exist? I will also probably not get along with the others. Maybe I can find people who hate the world and everything just like me.
pic unrelated
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No.158669
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No.158675
Why don't you do something enjoyable to express yourself, like write a story, create something cool, try to convince. You like talking a lot, okay, good you have practice, use your ability to convince and teach others about your experiences, and what you want them to believe. put time into something enjoyable, drop the video games, and sit with yourself and see what you can create. forget the random motivation, you will do it anyways because you are bored, it forces you to do something. and even if you dont do anything, thats okay too because then you have time to think with yourself.
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No.158678
>>158661
Do not put this on Reddit. You'd be called an asshole.
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No.158679
>>158669
That's impossible. The autistic mind only outputs the liberal ideology. All autistics are entitled, hate rules, love the environment and treat everyone that's a liberal or hasn't yet disagreed with liberal opinions equally. They love harmless drugs like weed and mushroom and stealing from corporations.
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No.158680
If you don't want people who use drugs you are forced to date an asian (avoid arabs). They have no drug use vulnerability and are boring. They value marriage and you can get them into cultural Christianity?
Why are you so offended by someone smoking weed? Your dad must have given you his polygenes that have added to your risk taking. Your mom would have not been the opposite of him unless somehow she was absurdly anxious. You cannot say this in public. Outside of religious areas, rejecting someone because of their drug use is fascist.
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No.158681
>>158669
what is wrong with autism?
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No.158687
>>158681
It's a stupid disorder that makes you a liberal and provides no advantages in life. All you get is seeing people as objects but treating them like humans, speaking robotically and being extremely anxious and having high affective empathy.
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No.158709
>>158687
I WAS FALSELY DIAGNOSED WITH IT
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No.158731
>>158680
Because doing drugs is what hedonistic, short-term oriented people do. It is harmful to their health and it effects decision making. It is also just directly injecting dopamine into your brain. I believe it is intrinsically wrong to get such a cheap high like this. Your happiness should derive from things you earn or build up to, or work toward. Well not all the time. But I just feel like being impaired in that way just feels wrong, just to feel good. Also a lot of people abuse drugs to escape their problems in an unhealthy way, and that feels like a very common occurrence.
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No.158743
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No.158748
>>158661
I mean this shit is honestly how life goes, its just cruel and not worth it. Im not gonna sugar coat it mam, but i think the best option, for me atleast is ending my shit. I dont know much about you but i can tell u this much; theres nothing after it. Your brains electric impulses die down and u just dont exist. Try and think about it as what you felt before you were born, you technically didnt exist, you couldnt feel anything. I mean this doesnt mean its all meaningless. Honestly your situation isnt so bad from what im reading. I think youll be fine, i genuinely hope youll find love and a desirable life. Dont go er yet
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No.158754
>>158731
I'm trying to do the math equation to get MY BRAIN TO SEEK DRUGS BUT IT WONT WORK.
I tried the checklist.
Abuse: Check.
Poor: Check.
Vulnerability to addiction: Grandpa died from nicotine so Check.
Know where to get them: Check.
WHY DO I NOT SEEK DRUGS?
Anyone can "fall victim" to ADDICTION IS ALL A LIE IF IT DOESNT APPLY TO NORMAL PEOPLE LIKE ME
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No.158777
>>158754
Might be either pride or hope. And fear too. Even when losers look for drugs, as soon as stuff is handed to them, they chicken out and think "I'm better than this" or if "I go down this path I'll be doomed"
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No.158779
>>158777
Seeking drugs is not just ABOUT A LOSS OF HOPE, WHAT ABOUT PARTY DRUGS? WHY DONT I WANT TO SNORT SOME COCAINE?
THERES NO PATH TO GO DOWN. I WANNA TRY SOME WEED, ALCOHOL, LSD ANDD COCAINE. THEY DISTINGUISH between recreational use and addiction.
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No.158781
>>158779
Idk you talked about abuse so I just assumed that. Might just be a lack of curiosity then. Or maybe you still somewhere hold on to the teaching that drugs are bad and should not be tried at all. Some ideas just stick to your subconscious even if you know that they are/ could be wrong.
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No.158782
>>158662
teutonic knights were the worst ones, they got land from the king of Poland and then turned against us and started robing our grain shipments and sacking our cities and they ignored the pope when he sided with us.
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No.158815
>>158748
I am thinking about committing suicide sometime soon. But I have a few more fun things I want to do. But often days feel like such a drag to get through. And it's not a chemical imbalance or some shit. It's because I'm deprived of what I want out of life.
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No.158832
>>158815
No YOU JUST THINK SUICIDE IS THE ULTIMATE ESCAPE AND IS THE BETTER OPTION YOU DONT ACTUALLY WANT TO DO IT. SUICIDE CAN ONLY BE COMMITED IF YOUR BODY STOPS SELF PRESERVATION AND REACHES THAT THRESHOLD.
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No.158844
>>158832
After you die you dont know whats next, existence is suffering but at least its familiar suffering
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No.158845
>>158844
YOU DO. WHEN YOU DIE YOU DONT FEEL ANYTHING. WHAT DID YOU FEEL BEFORE YOU WERE BORN? THATS WHAT WILL HAPPEN AFTER DEATH.
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No.158846
>>158832
I'll be fine. I've come pretty close to it already.
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No.158859
>>158845
how do you know that? Maybe you just dont remember how you felt before you were born? You don't remember first 2 years of your life that doesnt mean they never happened
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