/random/ - random

"Nek' sada ratne igre prestanu

Jer više ničeg nema u tebi, u meni

U mome srcu, kiše padaju

U duši, veju crni snegovi

Ti uvek odviše ponosna

Ja tvrdoglav kao noć

I ko će koga prvi zvati?

Ko kome dati ruke za dodire?"

Why? Is this some sort of show? Will this end?

IS THIS EVEN REAL? TELL ME, WHAT IS THIS REALLY? I FEEL AS IF I AM RETARDED, LIKE A WALL IN MY HEAD. I AM NOT KNOWN FOR AN IMAGINATION. I AM KNOWN FOR BEING A LIVING SCANNER-FAX MACHINE: COPY-PASTE, RIP OFF, TRACE FUNCTIONS. NO CREATIVITY. I AM THE UNATTENDED CAMERA LEFT TO ROLL FOREVER. NO CONTROL. I ONCE FILMED WITH A CAMERA HOW MY MOTHER TERRORIZED MY SISTER IN A BID TO CHRONICLE WHAT WAS BEING DONE, BUT SHE TURNED ME IN. I WONDER? HOW MUCH LONGER CAN I TAKE IT? I CAN'T EVEN WRITE ANYMORE, RAN OUT OF STEAM. WHY DID I DO THIS?

I frequently get nosebleeds, like when carrying heavy weights or when I get angry or sit-on-the floor sad. I am told that crying is unacceptable for guys. I am supposed to be unbreakable after all. They tell me that I am mentally unstable, then tell me that I am perfectly sane and making everything up, then right after that they tell me that schizophrenia shows up around these ages, so I am insane after all, and then this, and then that... BULLSHIT. Just LET ME BE. I don't hear voices, I just don't dream too much, but when I get dreams I get things like flashbacks or made up scenarios, just keeping my brain on edge. Sometimes when I'm really down, my brain finally gets the memo and gives me somewhat comforting dreams. I've read Mike Ma, Ted Kazynski, Mason's Siege, The Bible,The Satanic Bible, the Prose and Poetic Eddas, Hellenistic writings, Crime and Punishment, Dugin's ambitions for Eurasianist tellurocracy. NOTHING CAN COMFORT ME. They say art should comfort the disturbed and disturb the comforted, and I take some comfort in Kristoffer Zetterstrand's painting The Void (2009) with the angel. There are hauntingly beautiful things out there. I'm tearing up as I write this. They tell me that I just like throwing myself a pity party and they might be right. All of this deep thought, coming from a nobody. I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING TO PROVE MY WORTH. Just another nobody. My parents really did their best to create a good future for me and my sister: They studied the hardest and went to the best universities in the Soviet Union, fled the dumpster fire of the collapsing Soviet Union and continued education up to PHD level in America, got jobs in the Silicon Valley during the dot com bubble, and got a house near * *** in a quiet neighborhood. WHO AM I COMPARED TO THEM? A WOLF HOWLING AT THE FAR OFF MOON. AM I TRULY JUST RETARDED?

Sometimes, I wish I could lay down and wake up in a universe where everyone was happy and there were sunlit fields as far as the eye could see, beautiful light forests, oceans, Towards A World Removed Of Sin, just as Mike Ma intended, God I want to go to Europe to finally meet the saner, paternal side of the family, that my mother intentionally tries to isolate me from. :3 :) :| :( I'm just an edgy nobody. Why live? Is this all just for attention. Bet it is. I bet this edgy shitstorm will seem deeper to you, the reader if I put in some lyrics from some song from FEX or Mac Demarco or Rebzyyx or Mitski or whoever is popular among edgy teens these days, or drop a Schopenhauer quote. I'm tempted, but not gonna do any of that. I don't even know how to end this, holy hell. Was I spoiled as a kid? According to my mother: Definitely. According to me: probably. I feel like this should discredit most of my arguments here. For you psychologists examining this for classwork or Master's thesis or whatnot, I pose an interesting thought experiment: Suppose you have a parent who is behind closed doors hostile, but then "bribing" the children with kindness to create a semblance of a healthy family, but in public created such a good reputation that nobody will ever question it. How would you be able to detect this. School counselors/therapists are useless. I was assigned one for 2 years after a stupid violent episode, and nothing came of it. I have a sense that professionals are just the same charlatans but more expensive. Digging quite a deep hole for myself, amn't I?

My father, who is a pacifist, advised me to tolerate this all until I go to college and become free. It seems impossible to me how this man has put up with her for so long, almost 30 years, even when she cheated on him, and when he actually left her for a long enough time to meet a better woman and blessed me with a half-brother whom I don't even know but then he returned to make sure I make it. This man is a saint. Orthodox, Catholic doesn't matter. Just a week ago I almost gave myself hearing damage because I listened to Through Fire and Flames on repeat as loud as possible while working out to drown out the emptiness in me when I read The Hard Reset and the writer called Dagestani peoples filthy muslim invaders, and funnily enough, my mother's half of me is all Dagestani. Funny how the tables turn: one day you've got a purpose, the next, they rebuke you.

Again, I'm gross, although you could probably tell this already, I know, I know, but I feel like I should mention that I am out of Ideas. This entire thing was written in one burst but I need to think. This is pretty cathartic but still leaves me with a lot to think about. I hate how sanitized the internet has become. I DON'T NEED SYMPATHY, I JUST WANT CLARITY, TO SEE. She took a computer I cleaned up and installed Linux on and she is implying she got a friend who she claims is a head of IT to open it for her, but she oh-so-nobly claims that the contents don't interest her. SHE'S BLUFFING. I USED UNIX SYSTEMS FOR 2 YEARS, SHE IS TALKING BULLSHIT. SHE TAKES ME FOR AN IDIOT . I miss the times someone in class would try to trick you into looking at his screen and show you an ISIS beheading or some shit.That was peak internet. What happened? One Second? Why the hell am I treating this like my personal Joe Rogan podcast? I'd bet someone is already laughing. I gotta smile for the camera, hope this shows up in the Reddit screencap. :) Don't know how to end this so I guess don't take this down pls. Thanku. Fuck that, actually. Slept for the remaining, what, 6 hours of the night and I’m back. I feel hollow. I raked some leaves and reminisced for a bit. I remember, 8th grade, when I was friends with a bunch of faggots. God I hate those people. Goddamn snowflakes of the highest order. I bet you Tumblr fags or dykes or niggers or kikes, doesn’t matter, are shivering in your timbers just as much as those overweight reddit mods scrubbing those screencaps from your jeet shit caked subreddit. They tell me I am insensitive, I tell them they’re too sensitive. We need another big war, just to put into perspective how the world should be to the next generation. Perhaps I, a son of violence, am an ill advisor in this, but the rest of the world has its grievances to settle in tow too. Even if I could, I wouldn’t kill. Not that it makes me sick, but hurting just leaves me empty rather than satisfied.

Pleasure: Be it chemical like a rush from consuming half of a gram of caffeine in one sitting, physical from well you know, or mental, from seeing your enemy sick, any pleasure will eventually make you sick of it. The hollowness will set in. Say the Atomwaffen nukes Tel Aviv and purges all of the inferior races. What then? They’ll have nothing to do. Same with people: no matter what, they still want more or better if you try to satisfy it. I am sick of this all. Did I mention that today my dumb sister managed to tangle a comb into her hair while combing her hair and walk around like a fucking retard without mentioning it. How come a child of 2 PHD’s manages to do this type of stuff? I WILL BE BACK, YOU JUST WAIT. They tell me to forgive and forget. NEVER. She tried to gaslight me into forgetting about things that I will never forgive and never forget. I feel empty with all of this said. My head is empty. But memory persists. They tell me I need help, but that just means getting medicated into oblivion or being lied to. “Imagine a society that subjects people to conditions that make them terribly unhappy then gives them the drugs to take away their unhappiness. Science fiction is already happening to some extent in our own society. Instead of removing the conditions that make people depressed, modern society gives them antidepressant drugs. In effect antidepressants are a means of modifying an individual's internal state in such a way as to enable him to tolerate social conditions that he would otherwise find intolerable.” Theodore Kaczynski.

8Kun tells me Kazynski is jewish-made slop for goyim cattle to read and tear apart Aryan society in fear of progress. Everything seems to be bullshit these days. Funny. 4Chan is just a mess. Haven’t used Dread before. God I am sick of this. This writing with an empty head just feels like vomiting nonstop. The last few days I’ve been getting headaches. My father said that he got them all of the time in his 20s and 30s. I must be an early bloomer. I WILL BE BACK. I hope nobody has the misfortune of reading this. I randomly started thinking of pizza. Fuck, now I want to go heat something up. What ultimate purpose am I leading this up to? What holy lesson shall I teach my disciples? Fuck this all. I hear her crying because she can't take the comb out of her hair. What a fucking retard. I WILL BE BACK. PIZZA CALLS. The jews may be bastards, but pizza is the best goyslop they’ve fed us westerners.

It’s funny, almost sad, how easily I lie and wear two faces and play two sides. I’m in for the thrill of it all. Be an asshole online, condemn that mask in real life, be an asshole in real life, condemn that mask online. These games. Thrilling. I have an unparalleled grasp on reality. My father locks himself away behind a filter where he ignores the spots on the apples and the smell of roadkill while driving. I see it all in its full colors. Doesn’t it feel great? Ever seen a mandelbrot set? Beautiful, isn’t it? What was I even on about? Remember that time she hit you a bit too hard so you hid like a wild animal in between boxes and screamed, screamed, screamed, so she poured cold water into there to make you shut up? How could you ever forgive her for that? Remember the time she made you get out of the car while thousands of miles away from home to threaten to leave you there to terrify you, and then convinced your sister to lie to the police, and then you finally broke down and repeated the words she wanted you to say? Remember? What are you gonna do about it, loser? Remember how she ordered Father to take you away from home, far away, for yelping from pain when you closed the door on your toe? She’s probably going to die peacefully in her sleep, without any pain. Didn’t she tell you that God only does that for good people? She blames Father’s heart problems on you, why? CRINGEEEEEE What a cornball, look at this crybaby! I’d bet that these are the comments of the readers, they’re right. I’ll bet some retard from youtube shorts will take this and put some phonk or hyperpop as the backing track and post it across the internet.

You know why I use an adblocker? It's because of the JEWS. Yesterday I tried to play some game where I could rebuild the universe piece by piece but the controls were broken so I couldn’t play. Went to the gym though. What am I even supposed to do in my free time? Sleep? Why? Living is so boring. Why live, why was I born? She claims that she is justified by the Bible. If God had seen what she had done, he would have turned his face away from her. Funny how I can go from singing Solo Tu or Bailando to sitting in bed and Thinking. What a funny thing. It is said that a man who sleeps with a machete is a fool every night but one. Today, tonight is the precipice of the new year, 2026, that mayhaps will bring digital censorship to the God Blessed US of A where I live, mayhaps become the first year of the Great European Way, if that fag Macron and his tranny wife manage to fuck hard enough that Macron gets brain cancer and that tumor grows him some extra brain cells. Lets face it, in politics, everyone is a fag or a Mossad agent at least: Fuentes is a fag, Obama is a nigger, Trump is a kike, and Biden has dementia. There are no sane leaders who haven’t got their brains put through a wood chipper by the Bavarian Illuminati or at least space reptiloids. Anyways, this new year opens 109 of 110 new doors to a better tomorrow, and at least two score of them are sponsored by WEF and Klaus Schwab already managed to fuck at least twelve camels in the ass in the progress. God I love /pol/ and /x/, truly the sanest places so far.

The people tell me I am a fascist. I tell them they’re right, and that my statistics are true and immutable. They tell me the future Is DIVERSE. I tell them the Future Is NIGGERLICIOUS. Heemeyer and the Killdozer, a classic American kid's fairy tale about Granby Colorado's most famous fairy of them all: The Welding Fairy. Terry Davis and the CIA train: a classic American Kid’s story about why the CIA are a bunch of kikes stuffed to the gills with aborted baboon fetuses and condoms used by niggers with syphilis. Ted Kazynski and His TiMe At harvard: A story about why the MKUltra program happened around the same time they started Putting FlOurIde in the water, so that niggers can’t swim in it. Schizoposting aside, living sux, I’ll paint the walls with my brains the instant I can legally get a shotgun from my local Dick’s Sporting Goods store (didn’t want to sound like a fag for Just Saying Dick’s). I’ll make it easy on myself, I’ll wrap myself up with blankets and put a pillow over it and sleep with it to warm it up to make the feeling of the barrel in my mouth less shocking. Then I’ll get on my knees next to a snow-white, sinless, white, non nigger wall and aim for my brain stem. It better not hurt. I’ll have a whole not-so-lot of time to be in pain. Anyways Happy new years, fags. Enjoy serving Klaus Schwab after I make some EMT’s whole week with my death in 3 years. Fuck you. Have fun :| I didn’t. 2025 was niggerlicious, 2026 will be shit too. 2029 will be amazing. I wish I could lay down and wake up in a universe where everyone was happy and there were sunlit fields as far as the eye could see, beautiful light forests, oceans. That would be my new year's miracle. I remember in my middle school years I was a retarded fag. Bought thigh-high socks, was a goddamned furfag, was with leftist fags online, I had a dream then that I reinterpret now. I dreamt that a house along a certain road I used commonly was replaced with a grassy space, a microcosm of the aforementioned World Removed Of Sin, just as Mike Ma intended, but with the main inhabitants being furry femboys. I was retarded then. Still am. I can’t learn shit, I feel like there is a wall in my head. A BERLIN WALL. Here I am, soberer than a son of a Muslim and a commie I hate 2026 already. To think It's been less than an hour of it where I live. Fuck this shit. A year closer to 2029 I guess. The last year. When I’m done reforming the system into fascism at my school, I’ll be called a hero. I WILL TAKE ACTION IF NO ONE WILL. I’ll pull an Erdogan. You just wait. I wanna see how much I can get away with. I WANT TO WAKE UP AND FEEL LOVED. I WAKE UP TO FEEL EMPTY. Osama bin Laden was a fag, Kazynski was a tranny, the government is run by cannibal billionaires, Nikolaos Michaloliakos is an ok guy, the BATFE is the Bureau of Autistic Tranny-Fucking Eightballs.