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/pen/ - A Place to Create and Critique

Writing and reviewing ink pens and political literature
Learn more about the EARN IT Act, the latest attempt to gut Section 230
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Welcome to Pen Island
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Political discussion is allowed by default. This board is SFW

File: 1446608090059.jpg (96.79 KB, 900x720, 5:4, wizardswamp.jpg)

 No.438

Hello /pen/

This is my first time posting here, as well as my first written piece, and I'm really invested in it. I began working on this a few weeks ago, and I would just like some opinions on what I could do to make it better, what I could add etc. Just general thoughts. I've only written 8 pages so far, and I've hardly revised it.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1esrpB70RUyMVN7jB_TGTrvnE6Aj_QqPusI_z7w4vbBo/edit?usp=sharing

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 No.443

Might sound pretentious but here it goes.

>It had had two windows…

I'd use only one had, not sure if correct but it sounds better imo

>stood up to begin…

you can always get rid of "to begin" or such words by simply adding an -ed to the next word or just getting rid of "to begin" entirely… I might not be explaining very well so here's an example:

"then stood up and pierced his scrawlings together" or

"then stood up, piercing his scrawlings…"

>the man did not sleep soundly that night.

You could start a new paragraph there.

The beginning of the next scene needs work spelling/grammar wise.

>He came upon, presumingly…

you can start a next paragraph there.

>The book appeared to be bound in human flesh, but the young boy was blissfully unaware of this at the time

If he doesn't know it then you could suggest it by describing how the book looks, instead of simply telling us what it is. Something like "The leather in which the book was bound was surprisingly soft with a skin-like oily texture to it, with a colour pigment similar to that of the old man's skin."

Ok I just noticed you changed the old man with the beard character to the young boy, so a flash back… But I'd still call him the "old man" as it's from his point of view and this seems a bit jarring.

>young lass

Where did she come from?

Consider giving the "old man" who turns into the "young boy" in the flash back a name at the beginning, as it becomes

a bit confusing when you at the german man into the mix

Cba to read the rest, consider putting the flashback of the young boy at the start since that sounds more interesting than the current opening page.

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 No.444

Just saw the year it was posted.

Nigger I dun goofed

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 No.469

>>444

You still got an auspicious number with your post.

In Asia it could be considered triple death.

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 No.517

File: 23e4b0f5ec215b1⋯.pdf (848.17 KB, Flower's breath.pdf)

Since this seems to be the only place to get any sense of critical critique of writing, I might as well ask for some help here.

I wrote these three stories for a writing competition on /polmedia/ and never really got any critiques of them and was wondering if someone here would be so kind as to tell me just how shit they were.

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 No.518

File: 168a1953493a687⋯.pdf (46.1 KB, sazra fixed.pdf)

>only one file per post

gay

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 No.519

File: 1d08eeb4fa0c2da⋯.pdf (75.05 KB, dreadnought fix.pdf)

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 No.520

>>519

give me a little time to read them.

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 No.521

>>518

I glanced at the "Fall of Sazra." The Formatting is better than the other two books . As for the story I dig it it's nice . However don't add letters to the words . Daaaaad as an example. Let the narrator, and letters when the audiobook is released.

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 No.522

>>519

You should continue the Dreadnought story. Your style reminds me of Andre Norton. Less conversation and more explanation is a good idea.

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