>>17595
Hey anon. Long post coming through, and forgive me for any inconsistencies or bad structure in-general, my capacity for meaningful conversation has been decreasing greatly in the past few months, along with my intellectual ability.
Complete abstinence from porn and masturbation is the only way for both your suffering wrong doings and lack of masculinity.
I recommend checking out John Butler (not the musician) on YouTube, specifically his video "Naturally" I watched in a very low state. It was a depressing night, I don't remember exactly what it was, these past few months I have had downs, that night I had suicidal thoughts. I watched that video, in the morning I had a major anticipation for something in my life, a sort of interview, I needed to be very calm. I meditated throughout the whole night due to insomnia, probably slept about 1 hour, I have never experienced something as bad before. But in my mediation I watched as hours passed. I wonder if I went into REM sleep. I was sitting down so I couldn't have fallen asleep, but the time passed as if I was sleeping, and although that night I couldn't achieve true peace and calm of mediation and prayer, it was good looking back at it, with no choice I got up at 5, barely sleeping but feeling fairly rested. Now this was about after a week of not seeing sunlight, I don't remember how exactly, 1 year back I sunbathed regularly and here I was not getting any sun for several days. And so, in the morning I decided to get some morning UV-A to help my fucked up Circadian Rhythm and for proper Dopaminergic Cycling. The interview was at 12 I think. Anon, I have never seen something so beautiful. It was the type of weather after a few days of rain and it being a clear sky. The air was clear, there was some wind, the sun powerful where I live but it was cold. Anon, I felt at peace. I knew at that moment depression distorts one's worldview. The true world is not what your mind encapsulates. The next day I needed to walk for school for the first time after a long time do not going due to Corona and mental fuckage, the whether was as beautiful. I almost cry thinking about that sky, the general feel. I live in a fairly rural area. I took of my shirt and walked around, took off my shoes and put my feet on the soil, got to a rock and sat on facing the sun. I knew the world is God's Kingdom and by His Grace I was in it.
This whether has happened a few times since, sometimes I miss sometimes go out in the morning. But anon, that first morning was something incredible, through all my suffering I was a dead-end, and God was merciful and gave me that experience. I have never felt such peace, I said to myself "and to think I wanted to die this night. To think I would have come so close of missing this."
One day we will all find peace in unending labor anon.
Check out John Butler, some Orthodox Christianity stuff, Bruce Lee quotes and philosophy.
If your health is fucked up I recommend reading some of Ray Peats' stuff on Raypeat.com .
After ejaculation Beef, Lamb for recovery along with fruits and Orange Juice, maybe potatoes. If no money beef neck, beef heart, ground beef from the butcher. Make a broth off of Oxtail, Shanks.
Stop eating Vegetable Oil. Stop eating Chicken, Turkey, brown rice, grain, fish, fish oil and other bullshit which tastes like shit. Stop eating unripe fruits or Buy some Orange Juice for nice sugar. Maybe use some Cane Sugar with warm milk. To cook use Virgin Coconut Oil (not like other Vegetable fats which are unsaturated, infact Coconut Oil is the most Saturated Fat out there, 90% of it is saturated fat, so super heat stable plus no Cholesterol = no oxidized fat or Cholesterol which is the real bad shit) or just butter. Honey. Dates. Lots of shit to cover. Ray Peat is good, check him out.
I really struggle to type, forgive me. I wish you luck on your journey, no more suffering, shame and the state of true manhood is within reach for all of us. All the best.
And if you live in America I'd feel shit aswell, the morality there is very sickly and sociopathic.
