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/nofap/ - Fappers Anonymous

A support group for getting your fap addiction under control.

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File: eda58dcb9bea938⋯.jpg (286.27 KB,2100x1400,3:2,sad dog.jpg)

 No.14311

I posted a bit in Deadman's thread, but I've fallen off the wagon repeatedly recently, so it'd probably be better for me to have my own thread. Don't feel like name/tripfagging, but I was the Canadian guy talking about playing fighting games and driving around to tournaments, if anyone cares to connect the dots for additional context.

Anyway, now that I'm finished with school for the next couple weeks, I have been struggling to complete even basic tasks, let alone preparing for another semester/year of school. I think there are a few factors for this, and I want to use this thread to help me track my motivations, thoughts, and potential solutions to unhealthy habits.

>relapsing

Partially due to the holiday season surrounding me with temptations (chocolates, carb-rich food, etc.), I have had much less motivation to stay clean. I have made some efforts in the past to deny myself sugar and unhealthy food, and I remember it being very healthy and positive for my life. Thus, when presented with the smorgasbord of holiday foods, my first impulse is to say "well, no-one could withstand this" and gorge myself.

Obviously this is not a good mentality to have, and it has weakened my resolve to stop looking at pornography and masturbating. I relapsed for several days in a row leading up to Christmas, and even though I didn't ejaculate yesterday, I wasted the entire day looking at porn.

About two months ago, I had an early morning dream which shed some light on my approach to this and left my head feeling heavy, but that's long enough to deserve its own post (if anyone wants to read it). For now, I think the best plan of action I can implement is to stop exposing myself to these chocolates. If I do see them, I will need to say, forcefully, "I don't need this" and walk away.

>work habits

I think my poor work habits are a reflection of my feelings of social isolation. As I expressed in Deadman's thread, I feel as though the only people around me are either bugmen, NPCs, or nonwhite subhumans. I feel very lethargic, as though every day I try to find a reason why I should bother to succeed, but cannot.

<MTG club is filled with trannies and soy males

<video game club is filled with trannies and tranny dicksucking KGB

<parents worship minorities and think whiteness is a social construct and large families are unnatural

The silver lining is that I have a few friends with whom I play MTG casually, and they're quite open-minded about discussing religion, politics, etc.

>the solution

I'm aware a lot of this sounds like whiny blogposting, but I find it easier to vent here than in a personal journal (in a weird way, this place's obscurity makes me feel more safe talking about my problems than recording them in a book someone could potentially read by mistake). Thanks if you read all this.

Really, what I need to do is pretty simple:

>stop looking at porn, especially the degenerate stuff

>start working on the computer programming stuff so I can get my diploma in a year and then actually try to find a job I'll like

>go to the regularly and eat healthy foods instead of the sugary holiday shit I've been stuffing my face with

Today is day 1.

I can do this. I am sick of being tired and depressed and enslaved by people who don't care about me.

____________________________
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 No.14314

>I think my poor work habits are a reflection of my feelings of social isolation. As I expressed in Deadman's thread, I feel as though the only people around me are either bugmen, NPCs, or nonwhite subhumans. I feel very lethargic, as though every day I try to find a reason why I should bother to succeed, but cannot.

I recommend you try to compartmentalize a bit. It's not healthy to go around thinking negatively of everyone. You'll only push yourself into a downward spiral in which you subconsciously justify retreating from real life because of the quality of people you're around. Though tbf I rarely have to deal with fags and trannies; keeping my cool around them might be difficult.

>I'm aware a lot of this sounds like whiny blogposting, but I find it easier to vent here than in a personal journal (in a weird way, this place's obscurity makes me feel more safe talking about my problems than recording them in a book someone could potentially read by mistake). Thanks if you read all this.

NP, though I find keeping a journal can be very helpful. It's done more than most things to calm me down.

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 No.14364

Relapsed a bunch, but I do not think it would be productive to dwell on what happened. I was out walking yesterday and I came to a few realizations about my life and weaknesses.

>parents and family

I get along with my family well enough, but I've never been very close to them and my father traveled a lot when I was young. I don't think ever had a strong masculine figure in my life. Sometimes I find myself becoming very angry at my parents out of nowhere, but after mulling it over, I have realized that I become angry because they represent what I worry about becoming if I am not vigilant. That is, they are physically lazy/unfit, mentally regressive with regards to both art and politics, and extremely bluepilled.

Since I realized that the source of my anger (all anger, if you believe the philosophers) was my actions not living up to the standards I set for myself. I have been able to cool down much more easily when I remind myself of this.

>>14314

>compartmentalize

I know this is true, but I find it difficult to do this without fully becoming a zombie who never has strong feelings except when typing on an image board (the recent outage made me realize how incredibly dependent on this website I am; everywhere else on the internet is trash or too corporate).

I guess it's that I've spent a lot of my life not really saying what I think because it's immediate social exile. I want to be able to be more honest with people.

There are some other things, but I would be here all evening if I delineated each one, so I'll cover them in future entries.

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 No.14366

>>14364

>I don't think ever had a strong masculine figure in my life.

>I have realized that I become angry because they represent what I worry about becoming if I am not vigilant

Same thing here brother, my parents divorced when I was pretty young, so my father never played a parental role with me growing up (not that he would even be a good role), meanwhile my mother had to work for the majority of youth as well.

So I basically was raised alone and got the worst end of both sticks, no masculine figure for a role model, and no motherly love and discipline, which is a reason I suspect why I particularly crave women's affections.

And like wise, I hate what they made with their lives and am afraid of becoming. I feel the most anger when I do not follow to my own standards of what I want to be in life.

To be honest I think a lot of people are like, specially in the millennial generation, it was fucked up because had no idea what they were doing, and most people usually dread becoming like their old folk, even when they're good examples.

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 No.14375

File: 6a8710ced283481⋯.png (149.21 KB,970x525,194:105,Canadian FGCs 1.PNG)

The second issue I have been contemplating recently is the kind of friends I have made, if you can call them friends. Mostly, I have had a couple hobbies (Magic: the Gathering, fighting games) and gone to the local communities of these hobbies over the last four or five years. What I have come to realize is that, although I may enjoy the experience of playing them, I mostly cannot stand the people I need to interact with in order to do so; pic related.

>the solution

I think compartmentalization is important, as was mentioned, but I'm not sure I want to go to the trouble of doing it if these are the people I'll be spending time with. I want to try picking up a martial art as a hobby soon, and see if I enjoy that more. The way I see it, I enjoy improving at fighting games, but I can get the same feeling of self-improvement through physical fitness and it would be more productive in the long run. It would also give me more time to play single-player games, which I haven't been playing much because I always feel like I should be practicing something in a fighting game instead of playing something I find more interesting like an RPG or a shooter.

When I type all this, I feel kind of silly for worrying about how to spend my time playing video games, but like many people on this website I really like them and I consider them my primary hobby. I have all but stopped playing MTG because all the cool players graduated from the local university and moved away, so now I just play casually at a friend's house; I am building a set of decks for casual play in the years to come, but that will be my last major expense.

When I first moved away from MTG at the start of this year (due to a ban for using counterfeits, which is a long and boring story), it made me realize I wasn't married to the hobby for a couple of reasons:

>i could just go out and do something that wasn't MTG

>none of the people I had spent hours of my life with over the last several years gave a shit I stopped attending events on a dime

It's a hobby, of course, but whenever I thought about the second reason I couldn't help but get angry that all the time we spent together seemed to matter so little. It didn't help that one guy whom I fondly called a friend severed our friendship when he discovered my ban because he was obsessed with the game and didn't like me "ruining" it.

To make a long story short, it made me realize that saying goodbye to hobbies is a lot easier than I thought. I've been more aware of that when choosing how to spend my time recently.

>>14366

>divorce

That's rough. Good on you for coming out the other side of it. I've had some hardship in life, but nothing as pronounced as that; it gives me hope to hear that people can be exposed to much worse problems than I have and still be well-adjusted (by an 8chan anon's standards, at least).

I don't know what your parents are like, but mine are nice to a fault: they donate to rapefugee charities, love immigration, and believe there isn't anything wrong with importing foreigners by the boatload to replace the children whites aren't having. I was very nearly the same kind of leftist zombie they are, so that kind of "blissful inaction and ignorance" is truly disgusting to me because I have seen how it rots peoples' abilities to think critically.

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 No.14378

>>14375

>I think compartmentalization is important, as was mentioned, but I'm not sure I want to go to the trouble of doing it if these are the people I'll be spending time with. I want to try picking up a martial art as a hobby soon, and see if I enjoy that more.

I think this is the core of a great plan - disengage from your toxic social circle, but only after you've found a better replacement for it

>When I type all this, I feel kind of silly for worrying about how to spend my time playing video games, but like many people on this website I really like them and I consider them my primary hobby.

I've just started to use them as an incentive for myself - I can play video games if I haven't relapsed today, and if I haven't relapsed the previous day. Seems to be helping, even if it's not necessarily the best way to spend my time.

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 No.14387

File: 54ff7a4debf370b⋯.jpg (107.83 KB,685x600,137:120,Pokemon.jpg)

I think my subconscious is noticing the lack of easy dopamine. Had a really weird dream where I imagined one of the porn artists I used to follow closely announced he'd no longer be posting porn because Tumblr banned it. This led him to bundle up all of his released and unreleased work and publish it one last time, so I had a bunch of new porn to titillate me.

>tfw even your dreams are about the internet

Interesting side note: I'm much less tolerant of the social media bullshit surrounding porn artists than I was even a few days ago. Yesterday I went to an artist's Twitter profile to see if he had posted anything (a danger action, I am aware, but I will explain momentarily) and the first half-dozen posts were him talking about

>ooh my coworkers called me a cute boy

>ooh i'm so embarrassed >.<

>ooh they know i get embarrassed but they do it anyway

Made me feel like I had a wad of cotton stuffed into my throat. Closed the window right there.

As for why I was looking in the first place, I wanted to see how quickly my fetishes would leave me. To spare you the gory details, I have a theory that most of the weird shit I'm into was as a result of me seeing some weird shit during a masturbation session and having my defences lowered, so to speak. I have checked this theory unscientifically but satisfactorily by looking at weird shit for a few minutes with no previous stimulation and without touching myself to see if the image alone has any effect on me.

The result, if you can call it that, is that I think most of my fetishes were manufactured by proximity to other things any man would like (yuri, pregnancy, etc.) and that I'm not as sexually deranged as I thought I was.

Obviously, this is a bad practice for long-term sobriety; I may do it once or twice more after I have spent more days clean, but I am acutely aware of how often I have relapsed because of stupid "just a little bit" sophistry like this and I have no intention of continuing. Suffice it to say that I think my tastes will normalize quite organically if I stop looking at degenerate porn.

>>14378

>video games as a carrot on a stick

I've had the same idea, actually, so I'm glad to hear it's worked for someone else. Whenever I'm sitting at my PC and get the urge to masturbate, I think "if you're going to be unproductive, at least be unproductive productively" so I watch an anime or play a video game on my backlog. It's crazy how much good stuff I could have done if I hadn't been addicted to porn as my go-to time waster.

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 No.14401

File: 06cd3de998f9057⋯.png (36.29 KB,171x174,57:58,Ad lib moaning in pain.png)

>>14387

So, as you might have imagined, the idea of looking at porn without touching myself didn't work out and I spent several hours today fapping. I didn't ejaculate, but I hate that I was so easily distracted. What a fucking stupid idea.

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 No.14417

>>14401

Yeah, that is pretty was pretty dumb. If you have a peak in a moment of weakness, just stop yourself and get of the computer.

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 No.14425

>>14401

>>14387

I see what you did there.

Let this be a lesson to you, sometimes the pure desire to see porn (be what form it may take for you) is greater than the actual sexual desire we think is behind it.

Porn is like a real drug, and we can hold of easily for a few days, but as withdraw goes stronger we feel really bad with mixed emotions (the lack of dopamine) and start craving and missing it much more.

That's where it gets harder, and if libido really starts becoming a major problem, fap if you must but make sure to noporn.

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 No.14452

File: f9851e612920a80⋯.webm (497.46 KB,1280x720,16:9,Boston Dynamics banana sl….webm)

I'm still going to count this as day 6, even if just for morale. It feels like the last few days have gone by very quickly, although I think a large part of that is me being a lazy vegetable all day and spending most of the day anchored to my computer and brain-rotting websites. I have looked at some more porn and touched myself that terminology is really shameful, which is why I keep using it, but not as much as what I described as in >>14401.

I've been feeling my ability to think and speak return to me; when I relapsed, I found I had physical difficulty speaking grammatically correct sentences, or differentiating between similar but distinct words (invoice/bill/receipt/account). I pride myself on being literate, so I am hoping the memory of this dopamine-induced illiteracy will be a strong factor in making me stop myself from walking down the street in the first place.

>>14425

>porn is worse than fapping

I thought this was dumb, but I've come to realize you're really speaking the truth here. Porn is like candy, and masturbating is the act of overeating: the latter is obviously bad, but you're just making things worse for yourself by gorging on candy.

This is anecdotal, but the mental image I had while fapping without porn was much more vivid than the images I saw online.

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 No.14503

File: 6286fd6318765a9⋯.gif (1.06 MB,541x675,541:675,Anger.gif)

File: 4d159ceb17be337⋯.jpg (56.62 KB,640x448,10:7,Ky's advice.jpg)

I relapsed the day before yesterday. I was disappointed, but not surprised by my actions since I had somehow convinced myself looking at porn was okay. I think in previous attempts, I would have brushed it off and said "oh well, guess I won't do that again" but nothing in my mentality would actually change.

Having a record of my failure and my absolutely retarded thought process has made it more permanent, and I will better recall the doublethink my id forced upon the rest of my brain. Yesterday was a completely clean day, and while I did waste a lot of time staring at the internet unproductively, I can say none of it was porn - that's something, at least.

I will be reviewing my posts in this thread to reflect upon what a real, clean day feels like, which will assist my mentality. and give me more dedication to the cause of self-improvement. As silly as it sounds, I often recite pic 2 to myself in moments of weakness, and I have a little card on my desk where I wrote it out.

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 No.14541

>>14503

>did waste a lot of time staring at the internet unproductively

If your going to spend a lot of time on the computer, at least do something besides mindless browsing. Anyways, good luck on this new streak anon.

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 No.14738

File: c975cbbf113bdaf⋯.jpg (2.51 MB,3504x4672,3:4,Sad face.jpg)

Day 0 again.

I'm not going to pontificate about why I failed this time: I wasn't strong enough and I wasn't doing a good enough job of catching myself. I allowed my emotions to get the better of me.

Recently I was made aware of this study, which had so far eluded my notice: https://archive.fo/444XV - the gist is that smoking weed when you're young makes you dumber, permanently, and you can't get back your mental functions if you quit as an adult. If something as "harmless" (comparatively) as weed can do this to my brain, I need to be aware that I'm having the same effect on my brain when I relapse and masturbate.

My head is still fuzzy right now, but the creeping horror I feel when reading research like this and realizing what I've done to my brain should hopefully prove to be an effective deterrent.

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 No.15255

File: b1058a9453f8b2d⋯.jpg (37.32 KB,960x960,1:1,(slow_heavy_metal_music_pl….jpg)

I'm making this post to record a very strong and weird, but meaningful dream I had last night and to provide myself with some context based on how long I've spent trying to fight this.

Short story is, today is day 2, and I relapsed frequently throughout all of February and early March. I've usually not made it past day 2 or 3 without looking at porn, which invariably ends with hours of wasted time or masturbation. The last couple of relapses have really driven this point home, and even now I am biting back the urge to look at "harmless" suggestive drawings. The plus side is that I have a lot to focus on aside from shitposting on the internet all day, so that will help me do something more productive. I've also been allowing myself to segregate my time into work and play, which makes me feel better about things because I have a distinct on-off mindset rather than the limbo of the internet and pornography.

Anyway, the dream went as follows:

>Don't recall how it begins, but at some point I end up having a conversation with the Simpsons family at Ned Flanders' house.

This is odd because I've never been a huge Simpsons fan.

>There is some cause for emergency, and everyone scrambles to leave, but Ned hustles Marge into a closet.

>The closet has a trap door, which brings her to a hidden, garishly coloured room under the house, where several other women have been captured.

>Ned appears and quickly subdues/binds her before retreating to the ground floor.

This sounds odd, but it's a pretty familiar situation from many of my sexual fetishes (minus the Simpsons characters). Bondage, vore, bad ends, various peril situations - you get the idea. The women were even stuck halfway in the floor, which was molded like clay. At the risk of going into too much detail, it bore significant resemblance to a lot of art/porn I've seen.

>I should also point out Ned is shirtless and immatulately athletic.

>Emergency runs out, family and I return, Ned tells us Marge is gone and fights us away from the house with his physical strength and a small army of killer toy robots he built in his garage.

>We run away, knowing that something must be done to help the women but unsure what to do (police will confront him, but in the meantime the women are still in danger).

>I decide to confront Ned myself and challenge him to a duel which I kind of know will end in my death due to him being much stronger/more fit than I am, but to which I still commit because it feels right.

>I don't tell anyone of this, but while walking to Ned's house (and getting lost in the suburbs) I meet a non-cartoon, kind of overweight guy who asks me for directions and starts a conversation.

>We talk, and he asks me where I'm going.

>I tell him I'm going to challenge someone to a fight to the death before interrupting myself and saying "a duel" instead.

>He gets the idea and becomes very surprised, but ultimately says "good luck, man" before I go off again.

>Night falls quickly.

>I end up hopping fences and cutting through peoples' yards because I have a desperate urge to go there and fight.

>I note that the physical activity makes me feel good before arriving at Ned's house. Somehow I know the women are still in the room in the basement.

At this point, Ned taunts me and begins speaking about how I should just wait for the police because I'm going to get myself killed (which is true given he's more fit than I am and I'm surrounded by small killer robots). I don't recall exactly what he says, but you can probably guess it was the kind of doubt-ridden stuff anyone would have when confronting a part of himself.

>We begin fighting with knives.

>Dream ends.

It doesn't take a psychiatrist to recognize the meaning of each element. Ned is my ideal/potential future self: Christian, happy family, fit, computer scientist (I'm studying software engineering), but with a dark secret literally in his closet. In the dream, I represent my current/old self, who is fat and lazy. The guy I met on the street was my conscious mind (face didn't resemble me, but his body and behaviour did), who was surprised to see all this stuff happening beneath the surface.

I think it's a pretty clear indication from my subconscious mind that there will be great difficulty in what I am about to do (nofap), and it may result in the death of my current self (giving up juvenile pleasures like pornography, atheism, and the internet). If I can succeed, then I can shape myself into a good man, but I will still have something lurking beneath the exterior.

Now that I'm reflecting upon it, that's what has me so worried: I'll go to all this trouble and still be the same depraved lunatic I am now. I want to believe this won't be the case, and logically I'm sure it won't be, but it's still a scary hurdle which has held me back so far.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading this.

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 No.15267

>>15255

I'm going to be honest, I really don't think dreams mean much. It's nice to think they do, but save for speculation there isn't much there.

>psychiatrist

That's not real science anon, even real science is iffy, but trying to dissect the human psyche isn't something the human race has mastered. At least on an individual basis.

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 No.15274

>>15267

I used to feel the same way when I had fewer dreams and less direction in my life. Six months ago, I had a really powerful dream as I was waking, and while I will spare you the details, the situation I visualized was a near-perfect representation of one of my longer-standing inner struggles; the experience was so powerful, it didn't make sense to interpret it as anything but a direct message from my id/subconscious/shadow/whatever you want to call it.

>not real science

You know what the fuck I mean.

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