No.13715 [Last50 Posts]
Let's get to know each other.
I was diagnosed with severe depression and put into weekly therapy when I was 8 after I started expressing suicidal thoughts. This wasn't prompted by any negative events in my life, and my parents say my behavior didn't ever suddenly start getting worse (aside from telling them I wanted to die instead of just thinking it), which makes me think I was either born depressed or developed depression so early that I might as well have been. I wouldn't be surprised if I was autistic and/or schizoid, too, but I've never been evaluated for those things. Either way, I was NEET for three years after graduating high school, and even though I'm slowly getting my life together now, if someone told me I was going to die tomorrow, I'd think "fuck, what a relief". I don't think I'll ever stop feeling that way.
What about you?
____________________________
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No.13717
Ive been in and out of therapy my whole life for depression. I also have insomnia which tends to dance a terrible sad dance with my depression.
I'm transgender, but no longer transitioning, so not only do I have that kind of mental illness going on, I'm also ostracized by my community.
I think I'm developing anxiety issues at this point, its hard to tell. I hope not.
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No.13718
>>13717
Why did you start and then stop?
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No.13720
I come here whenever I'm having a low. Like right now I'm being vacated for non payment and I'm going to be homeless again.
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No.13721
>>13718
I was on hormones for a little over 4 years, but it wasnt right for me. Being transgender is not what I wanted, what I truly want cannot exist, and worse, being transgender was a huge net loss on my life. I had a small piece of a social life, I had a decent job, but being trans was a pretty negative effect on everything.
Ultimately, I am happier being a man again, but it isn't without its own difficulties. I have basically come to terms with the fact that my body will always be an uncomfortable topic for me and that I will likely stay depressed for the rest of my life.
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No.13723
2 years struggling with social anxiety and only finding out i have aspergers last year
in general i just want to find someone i can relate to
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No.13729
I don't feel safe around *new* people, every time it gets weird because of me, bc I chose the wrong words or i'm giving the wrong social responses. Sometimes on purpose bc it's become like a bad habit I think.
Also, I get too much informations from faces, gestures, eye contact. It's like a wall covering up with all kinds of pictures, press articles, knowledges about someone. A reason why I never take public transport.
> public transport is like on acid
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No.13730
I have authority problems usually when my decisions or my actions being questions, critiqued ever since I was a child so now I have this big problem where I try to compensate by having a big ego. It's a huge problem socially and at work.
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No.13731
>actions being questions
actions are being questioned
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No.13756
My anxiety disorder gives me psychosis, I used to hallucinate a lot and even now mild delusions are the norm for me. In the past year I've converted to Christianity and it's made a very positive impact in my life, but another recent development is that every few months I have a dream about eating people and really enjoying it, and all the next day I can't stop thinking about it. A couple nights ago was the fourth time, and the urges during the day were more persistent than before. This is my first day on this board.
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No.13841
Voices.
Day in, day out…
They somehow "see" and "hear" what's in my mind, idk if it's true or not but somehow there have been a ton of coincidences that show up IRL that make it seem so real.
It feels like everything should be normal, but isn't.
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No.13844
I still want to have incremental improvements in my own life, ever since I realized that all the psychiatrists didn't help a single grain for me. If anything, I can bet that quality of my verbal speaking has degenerated with the many years I've left primary education and got a part-time seasonal job. I am still a humorless being that intentionally avoids speaking in order to avoid suicide-by-public-shaming.
This is just why I'll likely stick to anonymous imageboards, because I can actually speak my mind. But even then, I'm still a jokeless fuck that resorts to shitposting on /v/ as a 'sense of humor'.
Most of the knowledge I know is too niche to be easily relatable and my delivery is too dry and stiffer than cardboard to bring any 'subtlety' in my speaking. When I moved to a larger city, I still kept hold of my rural habit of being 6 months behind in terms of news and events. I don't really spend money on events, so I don't go to band concerts or gaymer parties or a sports match where the local sports team is taking part of. I just shitpost on /v/ and Youtube instead of doing the above, because that's what I know best, aside from minute nonsense like Woodstock 1999's lineup and the rape cases. I still can't find any nearby classes to help 'improve' social skills, but there might be one in the local community college but i don't fucking know. Also I only know how to talk about other hobbies in relation to myself, because i've had enough of this blog post thats enough for now why am i continuing this despite me fullly knowing the pointlessness of it fuck
tl;dr autism begets a path to more autism
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No.13874
>>13715
I'm trying to figure out how to treat my symptoms without going to a psych and make it public and formal.
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No.13875
First time posting here, found out about this board through another. Expected a decent board to call home, but there's a Trump image and links to Discord chats right on the front page. Dropped.
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No.13876
Just another autist. Found out about this board way back in 2014 during the whole GG shitshow, back when all the cool niche boards like this one actually showed up in the top 20 and got more than 1-2 posts a day.
Got diagnosed with assburgers when I was like 8, but the treatment the school gave me didn't help because it was stuff like quiet rooms and teachers' aides. And all I really needed was just to be taught how not to be a complete fucking weirdo. Which I did learn, but only over the course of my entire youth while everyone else my age was making friends and having fun and getting prepared for an adult life. So now I'm stuck here at age 25, hating myself, still living with parents, with a shit job that would only barely get me by if I were living alone. I have a couple of friends, but we almost never talk nowadays. Twice a month if I'm lucky, and that's just with one of them. And even then it's always them leading the conversation, talking about whatever they like while I just ask questions to avoid sounding disinterested and looking like a bad friend. I never have anything interesting to talk about, and if I did then I've already discussed it to death with them years ago.
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No.13880
Found this through /kind/. I'm 19 but I feel like I've always had some sort of mental disorder. My race doesn't really believe in mental health so anything like depression or weirdness was just cited as me being over sensitive.
True, but I thought that people would be better if I was dead since I was in 4th grade. Vivid dreams of people dancing on my grave. I almost walked into traffic in 6th grade.
I think I escape into nerdy stuff to ignore how detached I already am from people. Even before I used the internet nobody really knew or cared about my interests. But I feel like my folks would rather I beome a drone and just work 24/7. They don't want me to be a fuck up at all because my brother is on the vegetable scale as he legitly has autism (like 21 years old but having a 2nd grade reading level). The guilt I put on myself is like double the guilt I feel from my family, on top of feeling I wont amount to anything due to all the time I waste in my creative endeavors, I feel like I set myself up for a road of regret down the line.
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No.13882
Off-topic post,
Can anyone help on how to finally stop my OCD? It's painful.
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No.13885
I often suffer from bad sleep.
A few days of the month i will go a few more hours without sleeping, which results in me being manic for whatever reason, and that's when i remember of this board.
And the reason for that is that i have two main desires when I'm manic: one is to make others feel good and love me, the other is to abuse weak people. Sometimes they overlap when i talk to masochists, so those are my favorite kind of /mental/s
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No.13891
Diagnosed with mild depression with anxiety at 14, CBT till I was 18 then I decided it wasn't helping so I stopped going. 2 years later went back to get help, now my depression is 'severe' apparently, plus my anxiety has given me mild psychotic symptoms (delusions, mild hallucinations) and that's about it. Pretty standard case nothing too interesting. I'm almost scared of getting "better" because I don't even know who I am without these thoughts, I make a lot of music and I channel my emotions a lot, I don't know what would happen if I suddenly wasn't sad all the time.
Can't hold down a job, girl or even friend
Also slowly becoming more dependent on alcohol/drugs to shut my brain up, which is probably a bad sign but it's not a problem as of now
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No.13894
I have a lot to say, but i'm insecure about my english writing. Well, having fear of what anonymous people think about what i say or how I say, it's already a problem.
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No.13896
>>13715
I don't have a mental illness officially outside of adhd but I just relate to mentally ill people strongly. Specifically social anxious, depressive, and anything that would make going out in public extremely hard. I like knowing there's people like this that I can relate to because it makes me feel less alone in this shit life
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No.13902
I'm here because I pretty sure I have really bad schizophrenia but I'm afraid to get officially diagnosed or medicated because if my family finds out, i'll get kicked out and disowned.
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No.13910
I like solitude, but I don't think it's good for my case in psychiatry. I say nothing is wrong, but my doctor is thinking about schizophrenia. Kind of odd.
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No.13915
I have aspergers, bipolar, and recently developed PTSD. I've been in and out of therapy, hospitals, and the like since I was 5. I have a hard time relating with people and feel very lonely often because of it. I'm here to find people I can relate to and to just have a place where people might understand what I'm thinking/feeling. I seem to dislike people more the more I'm around them but at the same time feel lonely. I can barely communicate and always feel uncomfortable. I have a terrible time with conversation. Somehow I still have a small hope. If anything gets worse again though I might just try to kill myself again. I might just become a druggie or something if things dont work out.
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No.13922
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No.13924
>>13894
Never mind!
Don't be shy!
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No.13928
My name is Marshall A. I was originally from London but I moved to the United States when I was 9 mos. When I was a child my parents gave me quite the unusual punishment: they forced me to drink as much hot sauce as I could until I vomited. Let me put it in perspective, I could chug a whole bottle of Tobasco right now without even the slightest flinch. Anyway, this "force feeding" of hot sauce has had a huge impact on my life. Not only am I scared of hot sauce but I am scared of all condiments period. Do you know how it feels to not be able to dunk your Chicken McNuggets in sweet and sour sauce? I think this is called OCD. If there is a sauce in the room I am in I must drain it. I have lost all my friends and shyed away from my family all due to the Sauce conundrum. These days I just get over it by chugging a bottle of Beefeater and wearing a blinder.
Please for the love of god help me.
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No.13929
>>13928
Can you bring yourself to start small?
If you can't do anything for yourself, you would be wise to seek out a mental health clinic (low cost/free) if there is one in your area (I hope so).
If you were my friend IRL, I would try to start slow with you, just having a meal with a sauce packet nearby or something, do that once a week for a month or something, then try using a little bit.
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No.13937
I'm on the Schizophrenia-like spectrum, diagnosed with Schizoid Personality Disorder.
Reality has a very low intensity to me. It's not like I'm not making the distinction between things being there or not being there. They are just far away, you could say.
I just feel so little. There is no hobby or anything for me to be exited about. I spend a lot of free time watching Youtube videos and drinking tea. It's a pleasant state, not having to think anything or have any problem with reality. Because of how little motivation I have, even small, small things have me drown in stress.
I didn't have friendships in about ten years. I'm reasonably conflicted about that, but it seems that's the way I like it best. Yet it's stressful to be on bad terms with society. How can you not hate us for all the suffering of the Chinese cancer-ridden factory niggers for example, or for driving all of these species into extinction? I don't think that's a healthy thought. I just did not come to terms with other people, sometimes I have a sense of inferiority because of that.
I accept that I'll probably be alive until I die from natural causes, but I don't see how I can feel good about myself. Nothing I could do seems to be meaningful.
I'll end the post here. Have a good day.
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No.13939
>>13715
Over the past few months I've found myself being angrier than usual. I'm rarely happy, and it's like my mood goes from angry to sad. It's kind of a joke at my workplace now, 'oh there goes anon, angry as always' and so on. I have bouts of rage, and I've said a lot of things that I don't mean while angry, especially to people I considered close friends or loved. People tell me that I look like I'm about to snap sometimes, and I have supervisors asking me if I'm alright all the time, saying that they are concerned for me and it hurts to be this way. I mean, just the other day I got into a fight with a buddy of mine because he told me I was doing a good job and my head translated that into an insult and I thought he was taunting me. Two people can't be talking and looking in my general direction or I will start to think that they are planning to throw me under the bus. This caused me to break up from two relations in highschool and I've lost friends because of it. People outside of work, and inside of work have recommended I go talk to someone about it, but whenever I mention any of these things to my family I'm told to pray it out of me, or they say I'm full of it.
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No.13944
I'm here because I don't fully know what's wrong with me and maybe lurking on this board might bring me answers.
For my entire childhood I was repeatedly told by teachers and education professionals that I either had Autism, Aspergers, or was "gifted". I believe that this mostly was noticeable socially. I always had a difficult time finding a circle of friends and fitting in.
I also moved frequently throughout my life, from k-12 going to 9 different schools and living in 15 different homes. This has made it even harder to maintain friendships that I did manage, but on the other hand I can sometimes be charismatic because I've had a lot of practice meeting people.
>inb4 blogposting
I probably won't post too often, but I think its important to mention some of this stuff. I could go into much more detail
Also had a very unstable home life with an abusive parent, and constant separations which were partly responsible for some of the moving I did. When I was 14 I did experience an episode of sexual abuse. (not from parents, unrelated circumstance).
The first time I saw a psychologist I was 9. They diagnosed me with Aspergers.
After seeing a military family psychologist when I was 18- who had a PHD from (((Harvard))) I was diagnosed with General Anxiety- no autism or anything whatsoever.
My own opinion is that I'm somewhere on the 'tism spectrum, based on my inability to socialize when I was young and some of the awkward interactions I still face today, along with my interests which differ from my peers. But I also think that I may be a manic depressive, since I can have spectacular highs where I feel like I can do anything- but then do reckless things that I regret later, but more often I feel like my existence has been a net loss as far as positive/negative experiences and I feel that death could be a relief really.
Another source of pain for me is that I'm homosexual, and really as far as how I feel if I was led down the path of modern "tumblr" gender psychology- I probably would have become a transgender. I never identified strongly with my masculine side outside of strong interests in technical subjects and idealism, but I wish I could be more feminine-like physically and be cared for in that kind of way in a relationship.
I don't feel that I will ever have peace or fulfillment as either a man or a woman. My existence is a contradiction, evolutionally speaking I am an error.
>end of blogpost
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No.13945
>>13944
I also think that being ostracized for most of my life for being the way i was or because I was always a stranger in a new place has made me feel unwanted, and this is another feeling that will arise during my low periods.
On an unrelated note, wow sorry for the reddit spacing. I don't post very often even though I'm a long-time lurker. (I remember when this board was relatively active back in 2014/15 post-exodus)
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No.14108
My brother has psychosis/schizophrenia and I have ADHD and probably some autism.
I think my little sister has it too.
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No.14178
>17
>schizo
>traumatized from childhood abuse
>ptsd and DID
>depressed
>confirmed retard
reality is a distant dream for me and i cant remember 80% of my life it falls away in huge time chunks. came to meet similar minds
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No.14181
>>14178
Are you really mentally retarded?
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No.14182
>>14181
im just on the autism spectrum, i will be completely ‘tarded after my next break & i get pumped full of drugs tho. im calling it
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No.14192
>>14182
Don't you need behavioral therapy, why not try counseling first?
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No.14213
>>14211
Alright. Made me have a giggle, so you're off the hook for now
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No.14342
i like POIENISES and i also like BALLSACKS
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No.14385
>what brings you here
My interest in mental disorders I guess
>tfw I hoped I had some epic mental conditions but it all just was Asperger's paired with depression
Feels boring man
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No.14441
>>13715
stpd/shizophreniform disorder
generally speaking
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No.14453
Looking for people to relate to. Just came out of a psychotic episode.
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No.14457
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No.14473
>>13721
You can be a man with feminine qualities, anon.
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No.14474
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No.14475
Might be sociopathic, I am definitely paranoid,
I was misdiagnosed with Bipolar disorder because of our wacky tobacky and shit tantrums that resulted to tearing up a book.
I noticed no difference in my emotions or well being during the year I took meds and the years I didn't.
>Why don't you go back?
Thing is, I am scared of losing my 2A rights. I was wrongfully diagnosed do to my mother's ignorance in parenting.And knowing how the judge favors my mother when it came to my happiness then, I'd rather not.
I was a forced shut in during my school years and still am now. My faggotily are fornters and it angers me, they act all dominant but once there is trouble they cower, they want people to take care of it. Of course, I come from an "absent" father household, my father is a biological male, he is not a man. I wasn't thought the ways of manhood by him.
>Did you ever tried "going outside"?
Yes. I could've been a football player, I was okay socially, It was the household that fucked me over.
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No.14476
>>13875
Nothing of value was lost.
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No.14494
I have severe depression and am going through therapy right now. The little things I built up in my life are falling apart, not that they mattered to begin with. I've been suicidal since third grade, I almost got addicted to cutting but because of a lucky series of circumstances I had to go without cutting for long enough that my urges died down.
It feels like everyone around me is depressed. I go to high school and kids on my bus all randomly overshare how they're depressed and all the problems in their lives. I used to believe there was happiness out there but now that I've actually started to look past myself I can see no one else is happy either. I don't see the point of living, I wish I didn't love my faggotily so I wouldn't feel guilty about slitting my throat in the woods.
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No.14557
>>14494
>faggotily
What is that, some sort of italian word?
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No.14558
I think I have paranoia. Last year was like one long psychotic episode, I failed all my classes because I was too paranoid to go to class, and too depressed to get out of bed. My breakfast consisted of cocaine and a cigarette, then I would walk to the coffee shop and wait for my friends to get out of class. Every afternoon was spent doing drugs while studying for the weekly quizzes, then we would go to a house my parents bought and throw a party. My own thoughts horrify me into shocked silence, and the depression was so crippling I wouldn't even leave my bed for days. To cope with the disturbing thoughts, I tried/try to distract myself with girls/books but it only works temporarily. After the school year and over the summer I started to eat and live more normally, and slowly began to stabilize. I'm back at school now though, so we'll see how long it lasts. I have little to no control over my impulses, I hate drugs and the effects/feeling but I do them anyway. By myself I have partial-control over my problems, but I lose it when other people are around me. I deleted all my social apps from my phone to avoid my friends, but I know they're looking for me. I'm "popular" on campus, but I try to spend as much time alone as I can. I've been able to live and breath alone so far, but its only a matter of time. Halloween is a huge deal, and I have no choice but to participate. The weirdest part about the whole thing is that I have these incredibly vivid dreams with Britney Spears, and I always feel almost normal afterward. She talks to me and helps rationalize my fears, and makes them easier to deal with/think about. I've had the dreams almost every night for the past couple weeks, and I'm feeling better. My depression has disappeared, but the paranoia is still lingering. I haven't told anyone this for obvious reasons, but the dreams really help, for whatever reason
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No.14559
>>14558
Sorry for the erratic posting style friends. Insomnia dulls the senses
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No.14560
>>14558
I don't know why, but there was something cozy about this post.
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No.14561
>>14494
>I go to high school and kids on my bus all randomly overshare how they're depressed and all the problems in their lives.
Stop listening, it's making you worse.
Are there any hobbies you used to enjoy? Can you focus on that instead of listening toother's problems?
>I used to believe there was happiness out there but now that I've actually started to look past myself I can see no one else is happy either.
Because all they share are depressed thoughts, Happiness starts with being happy with one's self.
>I don't see the point of living, I wish I didn't love my faggotily so I wouldn't feel guilty about slitting my throat in the woods.
I think you should give life one more try anon, the environments you are in are clearly affecting you in a bad way.
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No.14562
>>14558
>My own thoughts horrify me into shocked silence
Are we talking about homicidal and going postal? or just general disturbing imagery like a loved one going trough a gory torture?
>To cope with the disturbing thoughts, I tried/try to distract myself with girls/books but it only works temporarily.
>I hate drugs and the effects/feeling but I do them anyway.
It seems like you're trying to fill a void.
Any hobbies, anon? have you tried long walks at the park and admiring the scenery?
>I'm back at school now though, so we'll see how long it lasts
This is great anon, I'm proud of you for this.
>I have little to no control over my impulses
You should see someone for this anon if it gets too life threatening
>I lose it when other people are around me. I deleted all my social apps from my phone to avoid my friends, but I know they're looking for me. I'm "popular" on campus, but I try to spend as much time alone as I can.
This sounds like anti social disorder to me anon.
>Halloween is a huge deal, and I have no choice but to participate.
Do you really have no choice? Is it peer pressure because the normalfags want to see you there? You can always say no, anon. make up some story that you're taking care of your foreign cousin.
I don't see how its mandatory unless you're in higher up positions like the athletics department or student council bullshit.
Anon have you told your counselor if you can continue your degree online?
>The weirdest part about the whole thing is that I have these incredibly vivid dreams with Britney Spears, and I always feel almost normal afterward. She talks to me and helps rationalize my fears, and makes them easier to deal with/think about.
This is okay anon, people have different coping mechanisms., sure some might consider it abstract but it seems to be helping you.
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No.14572
>>14560
Thanks anon
>>14562
>Are we talking about homicidal and going postal? or just general disturbing imagery like a loved one going through a gory torture?
No, its more like I "see through reality" and it breaks me. I don't want to go into specifics because its too soul-crushing to think about. I do have random images of myself going postal on family etc. but those aren't as bad as the other thoughts
>Any hobbies anon? have you tried long walks at the park and admiring the scenery?
I play piano mainly, and try to walk while I can. I don't as much anymore as my uni is in a city, and close to a bad neighborhood
>This is great anon, I'm proud of you for this.
<3
>You should see someone for this anon if it gets too life threatening
I might if I fall back into drugs, I can't handle the stress all over again
>This sounds like anti social disorder to me anon.
I think its paranoia because sometimes I'm able to socialize normally, and other times I'm too terrified of people to even respond. I don't really have social problems when I want to socialize
>Do you really have no choice? Is it peer pressure because the normalfags want to see you there? You can always say no, anon. make up some story that you're taking care of your foreign cousin.
I can't say no to a big event, all my friends will be expecting me to be there. Staying behind to do something else is possible, but I would lose social points and people might raise questions.
>Anon have you told your counselor if you can continue your degree online?
I can, but I think I would lose the social padding I have. Without my friends, as agitating as they are, I'd be an outcast. I hate them, but they keep me connected
>This is okay anon, people have different coping mechanisms., sure some might consider it abstract but it seems to be helping you.
Lol, yeah. Can't bring myself to imagine explaining it to a psychiatrist, they'd put me on medication almost immediately.
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No.14582
>>14572
>No, its more like I "see through reality" and it breaks me.
Oh, redpill stuff?If you are talking about IRL drama, you can always bring the truth to light anonymously.You might be overestimating the intellect of your peers but reminder that a group of Harvard students were kicked out because they were retarded enough to post politically incorrect memes in a facebook group. Still, it doesn't hurt to be cautious and cover up weak points should certain situations arise.
>I play piano mainly
Have you tried to monetize your talents? There's a guy out there on Youtube that plays anime OPs on the piano.It will be a slow growth most likely though or you can do requests on Fiverr. Do you play Jazz?Have you listened to Ryo Fukui's "Scenery"? It's pretty great.
>and try to walk while I can. I don't as much anymore as my uni is in a city, and close to a bad neighborhood
Have you tried guided meditations? There's a channel called The Honest Guys, they are a nice guided meditation channel. I find it relaxing to have those aquarium videos playing the background while i'm cleaning.
>I might if I fall back into drugs,
Please do.
>Can't skip halloween event or get degree online due to networking
You can kill two birds with one stone: Ask your friends if they want to camp at the nearby state/national park, You can get a walk in some beautiful scenery while developing a comfy future. But it sucks that you have to shitow your problems instead of focusing on them head on. You can get through it anon, you got this.
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No.14587
>>14582
>Oh, redpill stuff?If you are talking about IRL drama, you can always bring the truth to light anonymously.You might be overestimating the intellect of your peers but reminder that a group of Harvard students were kicked out because they were retarded enough to post politically incorrect memes in a facebook group. Still, it doesn't hurt to be cautious and cover up weak points should certain situations arise.
No, its more like I notice people's mannerisms and speech patterns and "see them for what they are". Reality seems pointless and biology seems "needlessly complex" all at the same time. Its awful
>Have you tried to monetize your talents? There's a guy out there on Youtube that plays anime OPs on the piano.It will be a slow growth most likely though or you can do requests on Fiverr. Do you play Jazz?Have you listened to Ryo Fukui's "Scenery"? It's pretty great.
I have thought about writing original music, or even converting new music into piano sheets, but it hasn't happened yet. I'll be sure to look at Ryo Fukui, and Fiverr. I'm not familiar with the online communities for pianists, but I'll try to check it out
>Have you tried guided meditations? There's a channel called The Honest Guys, they are a nice guided meditation channel. I find it relaxing to have those aquarium videos playing the background while i'm cleaning.
Yoga is helpful, but there isn't ever enough time to actually allocate time for it. An hour or more long session feels amazing though
>Please do.
I can't stand the thought of someone analyzing and simplifying my thoughts. The idea that I'm the only person who knows whats going on inside my head is comforting to me, on some level. I only want to go if its absolutely necessary
>You can kill two birds with one stone: Ask your friends if they want to camp at the nearby state/national park, You can get a walk in some beautiful scenery while developing a comfy future. But it sucks that you have to shitow your problems instead of focusing on them head on. You can get through it anon, you got this.
I like this idea actually. I'd love to just spend the holiday eating halloween candy and hiking, but my friends are too normalfag. If we end up going into nature, they'll insist on bringing drugs, I'm sure of it. Even if I don't take any, the thought of sitting in the middle of nowhere with mentally impaired people is distressing. Unfortunately, I think I',m stuck spending this halloween doing whatever my friends will be doing(probably house costume parties etc.)
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No.14594
>>14587
>No, its more like I notice people's mannerisms and speech patterns and "see them for what they are"
It'd be wise to take advantage of this cursed ability and make sure you're not getting played.
>I have thought about writing original music, or even converting new music into piano sheets, but it hasn't happened yet.
I think you can make a name for yourself if you try the latter. If you can you can gset 30 minutes of your day to do that.
>there isn't ever enough time to actually allocate time for it.
Does school really take much time?
>I can't stand the thought of someone analyzing and simplifying my thoughts. The idea that I'm the only person who knows whats going on inside my head is comforting to me, on some level. I only want to go if its absolutely necessary
I'm just trying to help, anon.
>If we end up going into nature, they'll insist on bringing drugs, I'm sure of it. Even if I don't take any,
Don't become the mule, anon.
> the thought of sitting in the middle of nowhere with mentally impaired people is distressing. Unfortunately, I think I',m stuck spending this halloween doing whatever my friends will be doing(probably house costume parties etc.)
You can always try pitching the idea of going hiking instead of going to a party and doing drugs. Have a little campfire, try ghost hunting. From the way I see it, this auto pilot customs when it comes to Halloween. You should try to sell the idea once you see them again.
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No.15110
I wanted to see what kind of discussion is made here, and to see how understanding this community is
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No.15112
Part 1
18yo, Male
I'm an un-diagnosed nutjob, and while I make progress in some areas, I only descend into others
I successfully beat my depression, and no longer even consider the rope. I'm telling you dudes, it's the power within that will save you. My one regret is participating in self harm. I carved fucking "unfunny meme" into my calf, and years later I decided I would try and burn it off, so I heated up a knife and used it to basically brand all of the skin off in that area. Kek, looking back on it that's not the first time I intentionally hurt myself. According to my mother, when I was younger, if I was upset I would smash my head into the nearest solid object until forced to stop.
On the other hand, I think I'm a schitzo. I spend most of my time on /pol/, and while I really do believe there is some kind of international cabal working to obtain world power, I can't help but feel isolated and go into denial about it. Sometimes I feel like I should do something about it, find out who is pulling the strings, but even if I did find them, I wouldn't know how to deal with them.
Background til present day:
>born
>dad leaves
>Mom is broke, but we have awesome grandparents to help us out so we don't starve
>be isolated during all of public school
>le sadface bullied quite a bit
>had my first suicidal thoughts at age 9-10, when I was wandering around the playground as I often did, alone, wandering why nobody wanted to be around me. The thought occurred to me, that I could make the hurt stop if I jumped in front of one of the cars that passed my my school on the regular.
>on top of this, mom meets a dude, who becomes my stepdad for 8 years, who basically traumatises my sister and I to the point where we shared a bed in the room furthest away from my parents room because he scared us so much, that lasted until I was 11 I think
>during this time I actually met my best and only friend in 7th grade, he changed my life
>tfw never been able to pay him back for all he's done, he changed me
>meanwhile, stepdad still living with us
>made fun of alot for being poor
>after years of shit (14yo), I develop an aura of anxiousness, and develop a habit i still haven't broken for many years, where I pick my hair out, which has led to a bald spot in my hairline. During this same time frame, I develop a weird thing where I mouth words or phrases I just said unconsciously. I wouldn't even know I was doing it if it weren't for people pointing it out. These persist to this day
>oil crash happens in 2014, which puts my family out of work
>can't afford to live in town anymore
>have to move cities to find afforgenocidele housing
>live in a ghetto apartment complex for a few years or so
>fucking bedbugs
>a good year or so of waking up at 3AM to the sight of 20 bedbugs running across your body, something you never get used to, not to mention the whole feeling like you're on fire part
>move out to the hicks in a trailer that is just within our budget, been here since
>during this past year, step-dad left, and now I'm watching his son
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No.15113
>>15112
and 2
During all of these years, I've slowly progressed as a human, I got better at socialising, I got friends, I have a gf, but most of the time it feels like I'm just putting on an act for everyone. I try to be a loving person, and I truly do appreciate the beauty in nature and life, but I can't suppress the anger I feel for most people sometimes. It's like I'm Buddha one second, and a genocidal maniac the next.
I have a gf and a family that loves me, but I feel like I have more in common with the una-bomber than I do with them.
I want to get a job, and go to school, but I'm in a really weird situation where I'm kind of forced to be a NEET.
My father is a man driven insane over time, to the point where he is potentially violent, but it doesn't matter because he hasn't really been in the picture since I was 3. My mother works from 11 to close at a restaurant, so she's never really home despite this we're still so broke we can barely afford to eat sometimes. I spend most of my time taking care of my 5 year old step-brother, because there's nobody else that can do it. The past 8 years I lived with a mentally disturbed step-dad, who I love to a degree, but also destroyed my childhood with his drunken and violent antics, but he's gone now so that's a sigh of relief.
I would walk to work, but that's pretty hard to do considering I live in bumfuck nowhere and I have responsibilities at home. I would just mow lawns, but I don't even own a lawnmower.
My only hobbies consist of lifting, guns, lurking the le ebin chons, and being overly paranoid. Even sex isn't as thrilling to me as those things
I have trouble staying attached to the here and the now, my mind is always somewhere else, usually conspiring, trying to decipher the bullshittery that is modern day life. For the past 5 days it's been really bad, and it's caused me to seem more distant than usual to those close to me, and somewhat hostile while we're at it.
Potential symptoms of un-diagnosed disorders???
irritability
insomnia
delusion
paranoia
hallucinations (These stopped many years ago though)
incessant picking of my hair
unconscious mouthing of previously said words
history of self harm
history of depression (under control though) and other mood swings
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No.15114
>>15113
I'm no shrink, but I'm going to say you have some symptons of PTSD and bipolar ii.
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No.15115
>>15114
>PTSD
That's funny, I always thought PTSD was the most pussified disorder you could have, then again I'm very stubborn. Another anon in another thread suggested that I might have OCD as well, but who knows.
I'm perfectly happy living this weird bizarreo life where I know things are a little off, it's kind of fun that way. I guess I could say I've never had a mundane moment.
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No.15117
>>15115
I also thought it was pussified, and scoffed at it, thinking "Pffft, I've never went to war, why the fuck would I have it!?", turns out growing up with domestic violence, bullying, rejection and constant stress gives it to you. I grew up in very economically/emotionally/physically unsecure home, shit was fucked.
There is Little PTSD and there is Big PTSD, do research on them, it can avalanche and make you an unstable cunt. I had STPD as well, so I was an absolute fucking basket case, so that made people distance themselves. Reading what you have reminds me of myself, I see me in yourself.
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No.15118
Just plain old 'tism. Somebody on /v/ said that it would be nice if there was more traffic here.
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No.15126
>>15117
>I see me in yourself
we are one
It's a hard pill to swallow. I'm somewhat stubborn in my pride, and I hate admitting weakness, but I guess I have to give it up eventually.
>>15118
I agree, this is a cozy board Although, I don't want it to have toooo much traffic. More people = more shitty content
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No.15139
Was diagnosed earlier this year with assburgers. Had an IQ test done at the same time and scored 131. Currently trying to unfuck my life now that I know this, as everything I've tried prior has blown up in my face.I'm 25 and work at a pizza parlor
Not very exciting, I know, but I enjoy the company here.
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No.15276
>>13896
What's funny is, I used to feel like this. I would often lurk 4/r9k/ (but before it was shit) because seeing how other people had it worse than I did made me feel a lot better, plus I could empathize and relate somewhat. Problem is, I fell into depression myself, and now I'm here. Funny how that works.
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No.15285
a friend did. I was diagnosed with high functioning autism and bipolar disorder and a touch of borderline.
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No.15286
>>15112
I do a lot of the same things.
>During this same time frame, I develop a weird thing where I mouth words or phrases I just said unconsciously. I wouldn't even know I was doing it if it weren't for people pointing it out. These persist to this day
this is what got me kicked out of a B&N. fuck private companies. they can go to hell.
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No.15287
>>14587
I'm a noise musician myself so getting famous is a fool's errand, also not OP
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No.15684
>>15112
>>15113
Bumping this thread.
It's been 4 months since I've posted here, and nothing's changed. I'm still a useless sack of shit who accomplishes nothing ever, I've never had a job, my father disowned me, and I still want this gay Earth and everyone on it to be smacked by a fucking comet.
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No.15725
23 male with major depressive disorder and mostly likely Schizoid.
I first got diagnosed when i was 16 as a depressive and have been taking meds ever since. Currently unable to enjoy life and planning on working min wage after college (been in 6 years because of continually delaying, forced by parents ofcours) trying to find something with minimal interpersonal interaction. Already know that i dont want to work in the degree that i choose to study.
Also currently trying to escape a south american shithole that i was born into, to live a comfy isolationist life in hopefully a first world country.
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No.15760
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No.15781
I have something called General Anxiety Disorder. I can end up in full-blown panic attack at times but I got some Zoloft I take daily for it.
I got back in school in April to learn a better trade. I spoke about it briefly a couple of months ago here on how my job was a dead-end job and it was difficult to go back to school.
While I do have better self control in my anxiety, it can still show up in other ways than a panic attack. I can get emotional and want to cry often. I have the shakes especially on days I return to school/work because of the pressure of thinking of starting another week. I can sweat heavily too.
Also, being a student makes me live in scarcity in terms of food and money since I am paid very little by the government while I go to school full-time and any amount I'd make above 50$, the gov will substract it from the funds it sends me twice a month (roughly 550$ each). It's hard, man.
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No.15782
>>15781
Fuck, I meant to say I got back to school in February, not April. Not that it changes much of anything.
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No.15784
I've been diagnosed with anxiety and shit, I guess I'm just here to see how others are. I don't even want to go to the doctors again, I'm scared i'll probably get locked up
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