/mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders

I know this isn't my blog but I don't know where else to put this. I need someone to tell me they understand.

My life is a series of failures. I was supposed to be smart but ever since elementary school I've been nothing but a source of disappointment for myself and family. I can't seem to do anything right, even when I apply myself.

I really hate myself and I don't know what to do.

>>13342

>>13343

I've been experiencing something like this for the past few months. I don't have any proper diagnosis or whatever, but I've felt like my life is building up to something violent, something that is going to change the way of my world, I keep going into a weird trance state where I imagine what i might be doing to myself or someone else, and eventually I'll start acting out whatever I'm doing, whether I be yelling at someone or holding them down and trying to eat someone's face (this is a common vision of mine, maybe I got a thing for it) I know this seems super edgy, but this is what I have been experiencing, it's what I've been feeling,how am I supposed to un-edge something. I've always been the quiet kid in the back of the room, but I've never been violent before, I think this all started when I fucked up massively and ruined a perfect relationship with the girl I soon became obsessed with, she's in my head every day, she dictates what I do, she is, or what she made me feel, is part of me. This obsession has led me to devolving into a violent nasty fuck who has fapped to the same guro and furshit for years. I used to be able to sympathise with you op, I used to just be depressed all the time, tried to get myself put in a ward because I wanted to kill myself, but I think I've changed because I find that being angry at others and finding a reason to hate is much more satisfying than hating myself.

I honestly don't know what to tell you to do, but if the description of me disgust you, you better change soon or you're gonna sympathise with me eventually.

>>13344

I'm in a very different state of mind right now, in fact I feel very peaceful. I owe you a response though.

>I keep going into a weird trance state where I imagine what i might be doing to myself or someone else

I know what you mean. Particularly with people who have embarrassed me in front of others. I'll sometimes think about how I could stalk them, learn what they love so I can take it from them.

>I find that being angry at others and finding a reason to hate is much more satisfying than hating myself

It's very different for me. When I find myself suffocating in rage I look for reasons to hate the people around me but I always realize I'm just denying my self-hate. This leads me into a spiral of shame and hopelessness. I'm sure you know what that's like.

>>13345

I've not felt much shame for many of my actions, I only feel shame when I fap or think back on my obsessions and insecurities surrounding them.

I think my trance state is much different from yours, mine aren't thought out, happen at any time I get to a place where I can actually think without interruption, you seem more focused and organised

I also don't necessarily hate people, but I go in to the trance as I said, and what happens is I'll think back on a time when someone annoyed me or questioned me, and usually I'll have a violent rage fantasy for around 30 minutes (maybe longer if I decide to put on some music) the thing my rage fantasies all have in common is that they're fairly unrealistic and that it seems that I enjoy the idea of eating someones face (im not even fucking you right now) I imagine myself hitting them over the head with something in a public space, holding them down, and taking as many chomps as I can out of them before I snap out of it.

I've not been having a good past few days and I've been having some pretty bad rage episodes recently, more than usual at that, it's not uncommon that I'll snap out of a trance bent down in my chair with my hands trying to choke or punch something that isn't there.

It's funny to think that something as beautiful as love can lead to something as ugly as what I've described.

>>13346

Sounds like you've been driven mad by regret.

>>13347

i also came to a similar conclusion, something tells me I'm supposed to be this way, I'm going to copy paste something I posted earlier, from a feel thread, kinda repetitive because you already know some of what's in it, but there's some more in it

I've stopped being depressed, I've gotten worse. Every day, before I go to bed, I go into rage filled trances/daydreams that consist of me doing bad things to people, it's gotten to the point where when I snap out of these daydreams I'm choking or punching something that isn't there, one time I snapped out and I was trying to eat the face of someone that wasn't there, just the daydream. I wish I were being edgy but this is what I've been experiencing for the past months. My love life isn't any better, if anything it's the cause of my violent tendencies. I had her /b/, within my grasps, an angel, she was perfect to me in every way, it's been so long since I've seen her that sometimes I manage to forget features about what she looks like, but the way she made me feel, there's nothing to describe it, I'd trade a lot of happy memories to be with her for just a moment to tell her the things she deserves to hear. I sometimes try to convince myself that she's one of the good people that God put on Earth to teach others a lesson before taking them away swiftly, you've heard the stories from the anons here, they meet the one, who changes their lives, and they end up married or happy, but then something sudden ends up killing them not too long later, but they die pure, they die having served their purpose, sometimes I think that if I did get just that one minute to tell her what I had to say, that God would think her purpose was served. I think this is just me trying to justify my vain attempts to let her go.

>>13347

I had dreams about her sometimes, they were nice dreams, but when I woke up and realised none of it was real, I would bury my head in a pillow and try to go back to sleep because when I'm dreaming I can finally be with her and nothing can come between us.

>>13343

I know that feel mang

>fucking erryday up til jr high

>oh your son is so smart

>he's going to be a doctor or scientist one day, future valedictorian

>fucking skid by highschool barely

>pretty sure my parents viewed me as a burden from the beginning of my HS year on

>>13347

it was nice talking to you, im going to head to bed, talk to you later

>>13351

I'm back

Am I the only /rage/ist here?

I wanna hate WITH someone

>>13364

I'm still here brother.

How are you /feel/ing these days?

>>13372

how's the /rage/ going

>>13415

>>13416

>>13417

>>13418

Hanging in there. I'm feeling more depressed than anything else these days. Partially because I know I could be doing so much more with my life yet I feel the window of opportunity closing, partially because I'm embarrassed of myself.

Most notably, with each passing day I feel more convinced that life will never get much better.

Cool drawings btw.

>>13432

That buffanon looks great. The clown looks creepy af tbh.

I think I've realized something. I'm so prone to anger and depression because the world is so fucked up. I know I was happier when I didn't spend so much time on /pol/.

light a few dumpster fires. It's very cathartic, and since dumpsters are made of metal, they won't get ruined by the fire.

>when you get frustrated enough that thinking of breaking into the tardzone (ie. start making loud/weird-ass noises, running all over screeching and breaking things) would bring extreme catharsis

>quickly realize that shit like that would instantly destroy my entire life I 'built' for the last 2-3 decades of my existence

>crisis => repressed

>>>/christian/

It's honestly worth a try, I promise.

>>13452

Hey, I'm back, thanks for your criticisms on my drawings.

A lot has happened since I was last here, my obsessions have shifted to someone else, but I'm filled with far more regret and anger than I was with the first girl. I still do the same things as I did before, only it's become a much more volatile situation in my head. Shitty stuff keeps happening in my personal life and when I'm not being depressed/regretting all that I've done, I'm filled with hate and a drive to make it known.

And lol, ik how you feel regarding /pol/, I was there man, for a loooooooong time.

>>13342

I had this rage my entire life, it hits me when I see something that makes me feel weak or hutrs me a lot, like seeing couples or talking about sex. What I usually do is draw (I paint too). If it becomes something unbearable I just try to sleep. When it hits me in class, I avoid talking or interacting with anyone, going into an autist-like trance.

>>13342

Step 1. Go into the woods.

Step 2. Just fucking scream. Just scream

Step 3. If you scream from the bottom of the heart, tears will come.

Step 4. If there really is rage left, punch some trees. But thats extreme cases, because self harm isnt right, but if theres nothing else left…go ahead. Atleast you'll look badass with fucked up knuckles.

I hope you'll stick to the step of screaming. Because thats what I usually do. Fun fact.

I live in a neighbourhood near a forest and there's some myths about some mad man screaming about.

Aaaaand I'm the only one who screams there.

Atleast people are afraid of the…Myth of me. Not me but the myth.

>>13415

I have ADHD, so I envy you.

Do you know if anything triggers it?

>>13911

Thats epic :)

Im thinking about doing the same right now - bit of a trek for me but it might be very satisfying

>>13342

I have felt this before OP right now I feel very calm but two days ago I was really angry

I was and had massive rage over a forum admin at a video game forum who really has it in for me - without delving too much into the politics another forum user called someone else a evil racist bigot or something along those lines +other users where ganging up on him and this guy was as close to a moderate classical liberal as they come I mean for crying out loud he is/was a descendant of immigrants.

But the admin decided to put me on the to ban list because I had posted 20 mins after him telling the other user to knock it off

(and I actually started writing it before he posted - but he did not believe me)

I was so enraged that I screamed at God to punish him for his injustice

Then I got a pair of scissors and cut into the base of my palm clenched my fist and formally asked for Gods vengeance against that Mod/Admin on my blood and on Romans 118 as he was/is a worker of iniquity.

I waited a day to calm down then calmly but firmly wrote a Pm to him explaining as point 1 that No I had not seen his message

The site owner then posted in the thread saying lots of sweet nothings really but talking about respecting the mods

Curiously I feel a great calm right now