/mental/ - Mental Health, Illnesses and Disorders

I wish I could stop being jealous. I'm tired of having to work my ass off for things that almost everyone else is practically gifted with only for me to fail in the end. I can't understand many things that most people instinctively 'get.' I can't do things that most people can do with little to no practice, at least not in any timely manner(took me years to practice doing something only to be on a level that most people get on within their first few months.) My physical endurance and strength is shit no matter what I do to try and improve it.

As far as I know, the only thing I do have is persistence. I'll hurl myself at a task over and over until I absolutely cannot take it anymore…and that's part of what contributes to this feeling because after I see the fruits of my labor, they are still rotten apples compared to the golden stuff other people produce. Sometimes I think it'd be easier if I would just give up, that way I wouldn't be so disappointed given how I wouldn't have thrown any effort in, but I fear that would only make things worse in the long run. At least with persistence, I can try and have at least something to my name even though little to no progress is ever made, but in this eat or be eaten world, nobody gives a flying fuck about effort, only results. I can't blame them, you will know a tree by its fruits and, by that reasoning, I'm a very ill tree.

Feeling backed into a corner with no way out is endlessly frustrating.

Finding work has been a terrible nightmare and I'm so goddamned tired of getting my hopes up for no reason.

Id kill myself if I wasnt such a coward.

i am chating online with nice gurl but she seems not to be interested in me romantically ;_;

All the people I tried to make friends with have abandoned me, and I will continue this cycle until I realize I'm the common denominator.

>>12576

write sth about yourself, maybe we can be friends

Oh God really stressed lately kind of tired in the middle of a move so it's pretty tiring on my mobile because I packed my computer and everything else already and the keyboard on my phone isn't even working so I have to use the mic speak into it no good Oh God but you other than that just peachy everything's gone to s*** I'm hoping things will get better hope that's something rare fleeting like happiness funny my phone filters out curse words its been roughOP its been rough.

This place is a one bedroom apt for six people…were poor as fuck and me being fucked in the head doesn't help. The Methylphenidate 27mg ER kind of helps but the side effects are hurting. Pretty lonely as usual. No bed to sleep in tonight.

>>12578

Thanks but no thanks, I'm not cut out for friends anyway.

I was listening to some talk about how life isn't about the end result as a song is not about the final note. It made sense to me, so I'm satisfied I've got that sorted out in my mind, but it still leaves me at the problem that life is pretty crap.

Also I keep panicking whenever the phone rings because I backed into somebody's car and left a scuff mark on their bumper and drove away.

today in a bus i meet an ill old guy, he was probably alcoholic

im so tired, why do i have to lie to myself its not gonna get better just let me sink in my "delusions" I want to let go I want to be happy

i am sad because i would like to go herping but i have social phobia

I am sad because I feel like I have no friends and no future.

Fucking awful I was doing so well this last month. And now I'm back to square one fuck my life

i am fat ;_;

I'm having suicidal thoughts again. They say that suicidal thoughts are something you should go to the loony bin for, but I've been getting them so commonly that I don't think they should be seen as anything more than gnats.

I could probably condition myself to stop thinking about death when I feel guilt, but I'm not sure I should. Deep down it really feels like I have no place here and I kind of hope I'll grow enough balls to kill myself one day. It feels like I have no place here. I don't want to be here anymore and I see no escape. I keep dreaming that I'm looking for a door but everything is dark and there's nothing in front of me, just blackness. I'm so fucking scared. I just want out.

I wish I had no moral compass. Moral compasses hinder you, particularly when they point in the wrong direction.

My moral compass tells me it is my duty to go home. My moral compass says I should sacrifice my well being for someone else's. This is clearly wrong but it just won't let go, it haunts me. I don't even believe in right and wrong. Why am I feeling this? Why do I value "duty" all of a sudden? What the hell is his garbage and why is it in my head? Fuck. Fuck this whole planet to hell.

I'm desperate for help but the only one who can help me is me and I'm so lost within myself that I don't know how to help myself. Everything around me is the same shade of black. I can't tell where I'm going and I don't think anyone can lead me out of here.

I am infernal.

i am worried about my exams ;o

tomorrow I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist.

I've already been diagnosed with bipolar 2 so I take a mood stabilizer that helps my mood swings, and my GP gives me Benzos to keep the panic attacks under control.

but there's nothing to help the fact that I spend half my week in a dissociated state.

nothing to help my obsessive fear of angering people, to the point where I just can't even leave the house sometimes because if a stranger looks grumpy my mind will go to RED ALERT RED ALERT THEY'RE ABOUT TO START SCREAMING IN YOUR FACE RUN RUN RUN.

I'm retaking a course I failed last semester and I can't get anything done because I'm TERRIFIED of pissing off my professor. I'm scared to submit homework because I'm scared that if I get a single question wrong he's going to send me an angry, threatening, and completely unprofessional email just going on for pages and pages about how stupid I am and how I need to drop his course before he makes me regret it.

I have an irrational fear of petite women with pale skin and black hair because they remind me of my mother. I almost failed another course because the professor looked so much like my mother, I just spent every class in a state of panic.

I don't even understand why I'm so fucked up. my mother never raped me. she didn't beat me within an inch of my life, or chain me up in a basement with no food. she just screamed, constantly. she made me feel like shit. she belittled me. she always threatened to get rid of my dog, my only friend in the world, if I so much as looked at her wrong. she threatened to call the cops and have them take me away to a foster family that would rape me. when she wasn't screaming, she would just lock herself in her room and go to bed, and tell me she'd probably die in her sleep because I made her so mad her heart was beating out of control. she didn't hit me often, but I guess enough that I always knew being psychically hurt was a very real possibility if I made her mad.

it was just emotional abuse. emotional abuse is sad, and people shouldn't do it. but at the end of the day it's just words, it's just someone being a dick. but I moved out of her house five years ago, when I was 17, and I'm still not over it. it still fucks me up every day. I feel like one of those retards that cry about how they have PTSD because a cis white male disagreed with them on Twitter.

but I'm a pussy so it's ruining my life. hence calling the therapist tomorrow. I don't even know what to say when I go in for an appointment. I had to talk to a psychiatrist when I got diagnosed as bipolar 2 but it was just explaining all my symptoms, having bloodwork done, basically the same as seeing a normal doctor. but you're supposed to talk about your feelings and shit to a therapist. but I don't know what else to do at this point. I can't fucking function like this, and they unfortunately don't make a pill for life ruining childhood trauma.

today i meet in a bus stop very attractive teenage gurl

I like this thread.

I think about this a lot: I've met the criteria for borderline personality disorder in a few different assessments, but I feel like it's a coincidence, and I don't 'truly' have the disorder, like there's a special BPD switch that's flipped in a person's mind, and that switch is off for me.

I know that instability in identity is a feature of BPD, but I question if that's the cause for my doubt in my diagnosis (apparently that happens) or if I'm really fundamentally different from other borderlines. I feel really alone in this way, and sometimes I feel comfort from thinking that there are other humans that are 'special' in the same way I am.

Can anyone else relate?

i started using facebook under fake name, i am becoming social ;o

Today I woke up, terrified.

My girlfriend went on an internship few thousand KMs away for a month.

We haven't been together for too long, 10 months in right now, but I am generally a very emotional person, so I take our relationship pretty serious.

Like 1 week before the end of her internship, she wanted to look around the city she was in and go out more etc. Ofcourse, I as a lovely boyfriend, didn't tell her to do otherwise.

After that we got more distant and distant, until the point where the "I miss you"'s and sweettalk etc was gone, atleast from her part.

Yesterday we had a conversation about her kinda ignoring me I guess. Eventually she told me that she has doubts, fucking DAY before she actually came back.

We agreed to meet and see, maybe the passion sparks up again, because a month is quite a long time.

She's already back, but she will spend today with her family, tomorrow we'll meet and see the if there is still point in being together or not.

Pretty much I'm so terrified. Atleast now my mood is a bit better, because she started chatting with me first, soon as she got back to our country and ofcourse, alot more.

But still. I'm anxious that she cheated on me, now she's afraid of telling me and tryes to find excuses to break up with me, without me finding out the real cause.

She's not the cheating type tho'. Definetly not.

I am so afraid of tomorrow. I planned on buying her flowers and going out for dinner etc, nothing too fancy, because I got my last 30 euros and if she really rejects me, I'll have some money for alcohol to lock myself into my home, not wash myself for a while, get shitfaced and play videogames.

Anybody has any suggestions about tomorrow? How should I try to spark that ol' flame again.

I am hoping that it's just because we haven't gone physical for a while and she forgot the feeling of my touch etc.

I am hoping all goes well.

today i wrote a test and it went really smoothly :D

Since I've come to terms with being alone in my own head, my thoughts have a weird lonely echo to them.

i have to call someone today ;o

>>13035

Probably nobody gives a fuck, but oh well. Atleast I can get shit out of my chest.

Well. We met when she got back. Everything was good. We both ran into each others hands, smiling. Pretty much all she said "oh my fucking god, finally"

Everything was so fucking beautiful. We finally met, we finally hugged each others and kissed each others.

We then proceeded to a local pub, fucking best food ever. Tastes like the best dish a mother could make.

We had dinner, everything was good, we just sat there, in silence. Look into each other hands and just appreciated the moments we spent together. Over a HUGE amount of time.

We then went to her grandmother's, picked up her sister's son and went to her place.

I massaged her, kissed her forehead and neck, she loved every bit of that.

She then went to cinema with her little brother and invited me to her place, because her parents went away.

I went home, fucking excited and happy and went to sleep.

Next time I woke up to a text "I still want to break up". Everything crashed from 100 to 0. My world just broke. Everything.

All the plans we made for summer. All the plans we made for our future. Everything…Shattered.

I later that night met my friends, we drank and drank and drank. I drank from Friday to Sunday. I was up through out the weekend, no sleep. I puked so much, luckily I have good friends, they understood me.

On Saturday I found out that she had cheated on me with some fucking Indian chink motherfucker. Probably with a 4cm penis. And wants to go back to England to meet him and probably start fucking him again.

I saved her from her abusive ex. The guy never pleased her nor respected her. I pleased her to the max. I fucking respected her. I treated her like a princess.

Now I'm just sitting here, worthless. Going to hook up with some random bitch who I just picked up from the bar…On Tuesday.

I'll now go and fuck her, probably start crying mid way.

i passed an exam :D

>>13062

Today, early in the morning, I was up late. Getting ready for my next day's nightshift. Trying to get the sleepschedule a bit messy, so I could stay up.

Around 3AM I got a text from my ex gf's friend, telling me that they were at this garage party. She (the ex's friend) was about to go hope with my ex, but then my ex went another way, told me that he is meeting with another friend and he'll take her home.

Turned out that the he was my best friend. One of few who still sticked around me when I was in the relationship with my ex.

My heart sinked, everywhere on my body started burning.

The the ex's friend even told me how on the internship she cheated on me 3 times.

Ofcourse that was a lie, because my ex's friend is known manipulator, she just gets a kick out of it.

But the meeting part was true.

Even if nothing happened between them, a best friend should NOT do such thing. Now I don't know who to trust and I am cutting out everybody from my life.

I can't bother getting backstabbed again.

I feel disgusted, I generally don't think about suicide, but it does cross my mind sometimes. Hopefully it wont get too serious.

Anyways, I am back in that shitty hole where I was before me and my ex started dating.

Full of alcohol, and one night stands. All I ask is a fucking steady relationship, I want to feel loved and cared. Seems like its too much to ask.

Hopefully things wont go for worst.

I had an interview for a job last week after applying for it two months ago. They told me to call them today if they didn't call me by them, so I did. Turns out I didn't get the job after all. Two months of waiting, all for nothing.

This was a job I really thought I could get, too. Met the requirements, did decent on the interview, dressed well. But I guess that's just not good enough for anyone, save for the shitty mom-and-pop shop that took me in because they were desperate.

I was really hoping that by getting this job, I could finally move out of my parents' house and start fulfilling what few dreams I have. But I guess we can't have that, can we. I've been wanting to kill myself for the past few months, may as well go ahead and do it now since I've got nothing else to live for.

>>13078

And this is why you should never rely on just one position.

Try to apply to multiple places around your area, where the job is fairly similiar.

I just went through the same shit.

I applyed to like 5 spots. First 4 turned me down, the 5th took me in.

Not quite the job I am aiming for, but the aim is in the future, when I finally finish my school.

my exams went not bad

A friend of mine drowned today while on borderguard duty.

I feel like utter shit.

I just, I don't know. I'm having those weird swings right now.

I almost break down crying, then suddenly the feeling is gone and I feel no sympathy.

I just want to finish my shift, go home, sleep it off and see what the next day brings.

I can't tell if im getting better, or worse, or this is my constant state of being from now on.

I seem to be losing my shit, but i have no comparison.

I make just enough money to continue with my life, just stagnant.

I have all these conflicting thoughts, coming and going, colliding inside.

Can't stop drinking.

I'm so numb guys, i wish i knew who to ask for help.

My mom took me from my house to the ER after i told her somethings, then days later she starts sending me these AA group link, and motivational posts, asking how im doing.

I completely understand shes trying to help, but i told her this was extactly why i didnt say anything, i didnt want her to worry.

Now she says she wont say another word..

She was my only help a t this point, now i have to go to strangers,

I truly wish i could just go full psycho, if thats my destiny.

If this is my fate, please just give it to me 100% right away..

So i'm looking for some quick answers here…At what point should i look into professional help? I go through some really rough patches, becoming delusional i guess. Then other times, it's all good. I'm sociable, i feel good, i enjoy being alive. There's just these periods where i get distanced from people, get delusions/parinoid, depressed.

I try to talk myself out of it, and it works sometimes, but it keeps coming back, with FORCE.

Every time i get low, it gets worse, day by day. My delusions, if thats what they are, cause im not getting soo convinced anymore..,becoming real.

It even feels weird posting on here, me being the only sentient being alive and all.

Feels weird to ask myself for help, lol??

>>13104

You shouldn't have pushed your mother out like that, asshole.

>At what point should i look into professional help?

>Feels weird to ask myself for help, lol??

You just answered your own question.

>>13076

That fucking sucks Anon. Hope you find someone that actually appreciates you.

>>12569

I try my best and my hardest to fix things. I start to get results. Then I crash and fuck up everything. Repeat this cycle. I'm starting to think I should just stop trying now.

I am horrible and I want to die. I posted on /cuteboys/ but the board is dead af and honestly I don't think I am ready to off myself. I am a colossal piece of shit.

>22 years old

>depression, anxiety, ocd, cyclothymia

>been having an affair with an older married man who initially said he was in an open relationship

>fell madly in love with each other online

>his wife is fucking monogamous it turns out

>stayed with him a year and a half long distance

>says his wife will eventually accept us

>fly halfway across the world to see him

>pretend to be just friends when his wife is around

>we all have a threesome eventually that his wife initiated

>later says it made her uncomfortable

>does it again

>says shes uncomfortable

>does it again

>her feelings about things change like the weather

>shes even older than him but acts like a teenage girl

>he and I have sex when shes not around and he cums inside me a few times (I am on the pill). I have never done that with anyone.

>he tells me I give the best bjs hes ever had

>no man has ever given me attention like this

>I am back home now

>he barely has time to talk to me

>his wife notices he is sad since i left

>she will never accept us being together

>I don't think he will ever tell her he is in love with me because he is afraid of divorce and losing everything he has to her.

>he wont tell any friends or family about our relationship because they wont understand

>i just wait for him to talk to me any moment he can

>his wife literally told him she doesn't want us to be alone so he can't visit me unless he has adult supervision apparently

>happiest I have ever been was when he and I were together

>I feel like I will never be happy again

>I hate myself so fucking much

He says I make him happier than any partner ever has, that he loves sex with me and we have amazing chemistry. Only time I am ever happy is when I am with him, all other times my heart feels broken. I am done with this pain, I am done living and hating myself more and more because of who I am and what I have done. Just needed to vent, because I can't bring myself to tell anyone else about my double life. I hope someone here can understand.

>>13132

I can fucking understand, I just a few weeks ago fucked a married woman. Was so passionate when we first met then nothing, I'm a guy, I should be fine with being booty called, right? Just fuck, I only ended up doing this because my girlfriend never touches me anymore (yes, I'm scum too) and has even joked I should get a mistress. How the fuck is it that I feel used by everyone around me when I'm the cheating bastard? She told me that she's on antidepressants and that I'm the only guy she's cheated with that has been able to get her off, now I'm sitting here checking my email like a teen girl and she just doesn't reply. Maybe I need affection as well as getting my dick wet.

Oh yeah, diagnosed depression and GAD, 29

>>13133

I could really talk a long time about the inherent flaws of monogamy and how it really isn't for everyone but we are just sort of forced into this box… But that aside, my heart is with you anon. It's a painful situation. I have a boyfriend too but he knew about it from the beginning. He was okay with me having another partner after lots of talking and opening up. I am lucky for that… But he is also practically a eunich and there is no passion between us. So I can relate needing to get passion and intimacy outside of your primary relationship.

Our guilt does us no good. But we can't rid ourselves of it. Sorry if this is lame to say but ((hugs)) someone out there understands you anon.

>>13136

It's not the guilt that's bothering me. It's that feeling of wanting someone more than they want you. What the hell was I thinking pursuing other women, I always like them more than they like me.

Hell growing up girl's mothers would like me more than the girl I was "dating". I use dating losely because it means I looked good to their friends for prom then I was no longer needed. I know exactly why I cheated, I wanted to feel wanted. I got to feel wanted for a week and then nothing, what the fuck was I expecting after 29 years of experience?

>>13138

That must be really hard anon. I hope things get better for you dude. :(

>>13139

Hey, are you the same person as 13132?

>>13140

Yes sorry for the late reply I was sobbing uncontrollably lol

>>13141

> sorry for the late reply I was sobbing uncontrollably lol

Jesus, look after yourself hun. Remember, he's the one doing the cheating, feel less guilty. All the fucked chemicals in your head may tell you that you can't find someone else, but remember, you can if you want to. You're not worthless and you don't need this guys validation.

Yes, same dude here.

>>13148

>How are you feeling now?

Like a filthy hypocrite, she emailed I'm seeing her again. This shit was supposed to make me feel better for being a loser in high school but really all its done is remind me how painful meeting new people is. It's over as soon as my girlfriend gets back. Then I've just got to fix a sexless relationship while angsting about a girl who actually wants to have sex with me as opposed to "has" to have sex with me, while not having my gf to confide in. Truly, each man makes his own hell.

Also doesn't help that it feels like the other woman is playing hard to get, that's real good for the self esteem. I just tell myself it's because she's got kids that she doesn't return my emails. She doesn't find your boring, you have other redeeming features apart from being good in the sack. You are not a living dildo to this woman. Fuck.

>I feel addicted to him like hes a fucking drug or something.

>have sex

>receive happy chemicals that you're below baseline in

Exact same damn thing.

>>13152

you know, i was a loser in highschool too and men never pay attention to me, i am practically invisible to the male sex. Maybe our experiences growing up have caused us to get used the way we do. i hope something changes and things get better for you anon.

And yeah, drugs are the same thing but at least they can't leave you and you can't romantically fall in love with them. :/

>>13156

>Maybe our experiences growing up have caused us to get used the way we do.

Oh boy, father mentally incapacitated when I was two. I don't blame her, it had to be done, but after that I never saw my mother because she was always working. I, at the age of two became *her* emotional support. Mmm, hot sexy covert incest (that is, covert, never laid a hand on me) So yeah, the stereotype holds of missing childhood affection making you a slut.

Couple this with all the of bullying I got from girls in primary school (while being support for my mother when she had her first lot of cancer) and it's no wonder I'm sitting here whoring myself out for the female affection I missed in my formative years.

> but at least they can't leave you and you can't romantically fall in love with them. :/

Do you consider him to have left you? Do you feel you can move on?

>>13149

If you're still around I promise if you tell us, I at least will keep any misgivings I have to myself.

>>13157

No he said he will never leave me, but I'm still scared he will. Abandonment issues and all that. And even though it's unethical to stay with him, I won't ever leave him. I am completely in love.

And about the childhood affection thing hell yeah that was me too. Only child, drug addict mom for the first 5 yrs of my life and emotionally distant verbally abusive father. They were way too young to raise a kid so I don't blame them but.. Still feelsbadman.

To be honest though I am feeling a little better today and I'm sure part of that is thanks to you anon so thanks. I feel less suicidal and I'm not sobbing uncontrollably anymore.

I hope you see better days soon <3

>>13160

That's heavy anon… I wish I could tell you that I understand how you feel but I don't. The closest thing I can imagine are moments when I felt detached from reality. I don't know a whole lot about mental illness outside of depression and bipolar disorder, but maybe it would help to see a doctor. Do you have access to professional help? Either way, my heart goes out to you anon. Hang in there…

>>13162

Also, an addendum. If you do speak to a psych, I would say to make sure your find some with experience dealing with people with either schizophrenia or schizoaffective. Hell even schizoid would be more useful than your garden variety motivational speaker psych.

>>13161

>Do you have access to professional help?

Had it when I was a bit younger, but that did nothing as I idiotically refused to crack or say anything that needed to be said. I just listed off general surface symptoms which didn't really bother me that much in comparison and, looking back on it now, I regret doing such a stupid thing. I don't have that anymore since current medical coverage doesn't cover it, and it's not like I could drive myself to a hospital anyways. I barely know where anything is despite living in the same place for so long. No matter how long I stay anywhere, nowhere is home.

If I could go back to the doctors again, I would. When I speak to my family, my mother in particular who is pretty much the only one I can at this point, about such things they say they'll do something…eventually. I don't what it's gonna take to show them how dire things really are and I'm afraid for both them and myself that it's gonna be one of those 'waited until it was too late' things. I don't know what I'd do but I fear what could potentially happen.

>>13162

>Part of my GAD is over writing for assignments, I've never been able to divine what people really want you to write and hence experience extreme anxiety, procrastination and therefore shit marks, reinforcing said anxiety.

Over writing is a bad habit of mine as well, I get repetitive as if trying to jam someone's face into what I'm trying to get across to them. It's an interesting property that anxiety has, regardless of what it stems from; it always reinforces itself digging the grave deeper.

>>13163

Advice noted. And this time around I certainly won't speak to one specializing in young teens and children(like I said, I was younger at that time.)

Well, now it's time for sleep. At least dreaming is a nice respite from the waking world. Thanks for not making this awkward as all hell like it would usually be, brought a bit of relief for the day.

>>13164

>Had it when I was a bit younger, but that did nothing as I idiotically refused to crack or say anything that needed to be said.

But how fucking could you when no one has ever accepted what you've said as valid, amirite? You were a child defending yourself the only way you knew how, you shouldn't blame yourself for that.

>No matter how long I stay anywhere, nowhere is home.

Stop it, you'll make me start wondering if I'm covert schizoid again. Please take that the right way, I'm joking with you.

> I don't what it's gonna take to show them how dire things really are and I'm afraid for both them and myself that it's gonna be one of those 'waited until it was too late' things. I don't know what I'd do but I fear what could potentially happen.

Mother fucking alarm bells. But as long as you're not actively planning anything, it's all good. Is this more of a you think you'll have to hurt someone/yourself so people will fucking listen?

>And this time around I certainly won't speak to one specializing in young teens and children

I had this too. Ever had what was essentially a child psych try to explain how the psychological and physiological symptoms of anxiety reinforce each other? She had a tiny fucking whiteboard man. Could have only been worse if she had fucking hand puppets.

>>13159

Sorry I got distracted.

>To be honest though I am feeling a little better today and I'm sure part of that is thanks to you anon so thanks. I feel less suicidal and I'm not sobbing uncontrollably anymore.

That's a real fucking compliment, thanks. Seriously, not actually talking from my outside sarcastically-defended self here.

Also not to go all "baby don't hurt me" on you, but are you sure it's love? I thought the same thing over the woman I was cheating with, then realised I didn't know a fucking thing about her apart from how big her tits were. Felt like love though, giddy want to shout it to the rooftops type feeling. But for me it was just infatuation. I'm reminded of a quote about a girl whose father was a stern silent man, who would make sure the house was heated by lighting the fire before anyone else was awake, bring his daughter cocoa before church. A slow enduring burn, that's what I think love is.

>>13165

>Also not to go all "baby don't hurt me" on you, but are you sure it's love

I'm not sure about anything, but I do think there are different kinds of love. I've been with him for a year and a half now and I desire him more each day… Sure he's very good looking and we have more sexual chemistry than I can imagine so one would question if I am mistakening burning passion for love.

Maybe it's both. But one of the things I loved most about visiting him was seeing him live his life, be with his family and friends and yes even his wife (who I love but is rightfully starting to hate my guts.) That's when I knew I was fucked. Seeing him smile makes me happier than I had been in a long time.

It's fucking confusing. Do I love him? Am I just a needy pathetic womanchild? Do Ibjust enjoy the sex? I dunno.

I just know I would do anything for him.

Sorry for the long vent. I know a lot of that stuff is over saturated with desperation but it's how I really feel.

Have you ever been in love anon? If not with that girl you are fucking, how about your girlfriend? Anyone before that? Just curious and thanks again. Hope you are well.

>>13166

>Have you ever been in love anon?

Well of course I'm unsure as shit myself, but I'll say this, I've been with my girlfriend for 10 years and I still greet her at the door when she gets home (been writing a thesis/uni for forever), drop what I'm doing to help her if her computer is fucked and got disowned by my crazy ass mother for being with her. Why am I cheating on her? Because I'm not sure she feels the same way anymore, feels like she likes facebook more than me. I guess the only kind of woman I know how to love is distant.

>>13167

Hell, do I even know what love is? Am I capable of it, I'm cheating on my girlfriend. Fuck. Yes, I get awkward asked similar questions by psychs, not really comfortable with strong emotions.

>>13167

That has to be painful.. Even with the cheating I know you care about her. My lover still loves and cares for his wife. Love and relationships and people are so much more complicated than people like to pretend they are.

I can't imagine an emotionally distant partner that would eat away at me. I can understand why you did it anon.

I hope either you and your gf get better together or you guys can peacefully move on from one another. I know how awful it is being in limbo where there is one foot on either side.

>>13169

>I know how awful it is being in limbo where there is one foot on either side.

Just how do people even end up getting into stupid situations like this in the first place?

Maybe it is love for you, sounds like you enjoy seeing him happy. This probably isn't helping you though. I just don't know what to say for you, not like I would be equipped to deal with your situations, it's the blind leading the blind.

>>13170

Actually, I did think of something, try to figure out if he loves you back, if you're looking for resolution as opposed to just venting, that is what should guide your decision. For God's sake don't just stay because you don't think you'll get any better or you somehow deserve this, that's the poor self esteem talking.

>>13170

I know I'm an idiot for getting myself in this situation. I hate myself for it so much sometimes that offing myself gets really tempting. I wish someone could convince me to do it but I still have hope as much as I hate to admit it. I can't believe I still have hope. My optimistic heart doesn't know when to fucking quit.

Part of me regrets everything, part of me doesn't because I can't imagine who I would be if I never met him. It's okay that you can't offer any advice, there is nothing I can really do at this point. I already fucked up, I can't un-fuck up.

>>13171

He does love me, to pieces. It would be so much easier if he hated me but he is crazy about me. Maybe that's hard to believe, but even with my cripplingly low self esteem, I know it's true.

>>13172

I didn't mean to imply that you're an idiot, maybe the worst I meant was that the pair of us are fools in the affectionate sense. You're also nowhere near so contemptible that I would wish death upon you, and you shouldn't either.

>How are you today?

Not great, since I've finally accepted the fact that I can't really control my anger anymore.

I started experiencing "anger issues" a year or so ago (stress from exams? fuck knows). Previously whenever something pissed me off I was able to just brush it aside or laugh it off, but a year or so ago it suddenly became a lot harder to suppress it. Since then it's been getting more and more difficult to put my anger aside - my friends used to really help in this regard, but unfortunately an incident occurred last week (a result of one of my rages) that finally pushed most of them away. Looking objectively on the situation I can't really blame them but the memories of that event seem to just pop into my head unbidden from time to time which really stokes me up. Since then I've been on a complete hair trigger - I might stub my toe or see something that reminds me I'm single and the anger just hits me like a fucking tidal wave. The worst part is my wonderful family are now on eggshells around me all the time in case they inadvertently piss me off. I know they're trying to help but it makes me feel so fucking guilty that they think I might flip out at any moment.

I tried meditating and calming exercises but they didn't seem to work. I also tried to do more expressive stuff like chopping wood or doing push-ups, and while that's a little better it's never really satisfying enough. I have this idea of some activity I can do that channels all my anger away into something else, but I have no idea what it is or if it even exists.

Anyway, as I said I've realized that I no longer have full control over my behavior. Normally I'd like to think I'm a pretty normal guy, but more and more often I find myself at the mercy of my anger. I'm really kind of scared that I'll either do something really stupid in a rage and hurt myself or my family, or just go fucking berserk such that I have a heart attack or something.

I haven't seen my therapist in 2 weeks and I am super dreading the session. She's referring me to this DBT program that I really don't want to do, it seems really focused on substance abuse and not very trauma-informed. I'm trying not to assume the worst, but it's hard. The intake person sounded kinda mean on the phone :( plus they need my therapist to fill out a referral sheet and I'm terrified of what she is going to put for my diagnosis.

Work today went surprisingly well, especially since I was working alone. Usually there's one other person in the shop with me, and when that happens I have him deal with customers since I'm horrible at it and don't want to deal with pissed-off customers. But the customers today were nice. Hard to understand, sure, but nice.

But the fact that today went so well makes me nervous. Like something terrible will happen to cancel it out, or I'll just have an overall shit day, and that fleeting moment of not hating myself will end.

>>13174

>>13172

>talk to girl online

>she mentions killing herself

>abruptly stops posting

Welp, time for another drink.

Alsp, if anyone care, remotely at all, im the last two replies above this one.

Keep this board alive, it helps some.

It remains to be seen if it helps me.

>Alive

>alIVE

>ALIVE!!

>>13192

There's plenty of time for true existence anon. not like anything in this life is permanent anyway, try to enjoy this life while you have it even if it feels inauthentic? I don't know man, I'm ill equipped, closest I've had to any kind reality breaking event is the feeling that my body is moving a few seconds after I tell it to.

>>13196

I very much enjoyed your image, that's what's been going through my head for the last couple of hours. As in, why the fuck did I ever try to seek comfort in anyone's arms, let alone another woman's.

Doctor said there's only a 3% transmission rate, so I might not even have it, thank God. I'm going for testing tomorrow, did I tell you I'm needle phobic? Again I deserve it.

I wouldn't call yourself an adultress, you're not committing adultery, you're better than me. Maybe this stupid shit is karma, maybe it will teach me to be a less lonely, needy cunt? Not bloody likely

She doesn't even seem that sorry, I got one email and a couple of texts, does this sound that sorry to you when I told her that a google search said the drugs take a week to fix it and my girlfriend is home on two days: "shit shit shit. I feel like and absolute asshole"? Do you think she did it on purpose? Hates my entire sex? From what she's told me she has no love of her step father, did I find someone orders of magnitude more nuts that me? Do I talk to her anymore? Ask her how many times she's fucked hubby since he caught it? Mention that him saying he got it from a drunken hookup seems dubious given the 3% chance? Fuck I'm glad the trains don't go express through my station any more, could have fucking splattered myself. At least my girlfriend would remember me fondly that way and would hopefully be less hurt.

So a Manhattan or a Vodka tonic? Of course drinking alone in the dark at 4pm is normal right? I want an actual hug, from a nice sterile robot, like I needed another excuse to go full Howard Hughes.

>>13197

Oh fuck, the 3% is the population chance she would have it. But we know her husband has it and transmission efficiency is 25%. I fucked her a lot, I have it.

>>13199

Learning experience

>sex is always kind of meh to me

>even being monogamous for 10 years I have tried more things than people who sleep around

>if you think you are being neglected, you are

>never fucking trust anyone

>I mean, I'm sure your gf has made mistakes.

I'm pretty damn sure that she's at least given head before we got together while I was an absolute virgin. Which is part of why I fucking tried this, because she got to fool around when she was young. I let mainstream society into my head and tell me that I missed out and look what fucking happened. I used to be so strong and idealistic.

Did I ever tell you that her brother's marriage is over because he cheated, just fucking recently too. I'm a selfish fucking moron.

>>13200

My boyfriend and I were both kissless virgins… I get how that can feel. It feels strange now that I've been with another man. Especially such an experienced one (he was somewhat of a womanizer before he met his wife 10 years ago.) It was intimidating and exciting and I felt special because I've always been pretty invisible to the male sex so getting attention from him made me putty in his hands. I am fortunate he's a good guy, I really could have been hurt a lot worse.

My point is, he's a good guy. He's been cheating on his wife with me for a year, but he's a good man. And you are too, anon. People are flawed we make mistakes we hurt people.. But you are more than your mistakes and flaws. So much more. You sound like you are really going through a crisis.

May I ask how close u and your gf are? Do you tell each other everything?

>>13201

>It was intimidating and exciting and I felt special because I've always been pretty invisible to the male sex so getting attention from him made me putty in his hands.

Aaah, this but the sexes reversed. Just the way she was on me when we met I was completely fucking overwhelmed. Her mouth was fucking huge.

>Do you tell each other everything?

Not anymore I guess, I worry I fucked things. If she'll be able to tell I'm hiding something. But yeah, told her real embarrassing shit I've done. I just can't tell her this, she's said with our dismal sex life that if I ever cheated she just wouldn't want to know, so she won't. No I'm not going to let her get infected, told her I just picked up a UTI, which typically requires two weeks of no sex to heal. Just fuck, never again. I spent my whole trip avoiding looking at any women, probably looked like a retard. I should speak to my psych again but I swear I saw a little chuckle when I said I almost cried at a movie. The movie? Falling Down.

>>13202

Let me just say thanks again for having this discussion with me. It has helped a lot.

>if I ever cheated she just wouldn't want to know

This is the shit that my lovers wife has told him and its so destructive honestly. To me, its like saying, "i am basically telling u that u can cheat but i want you to feel guilty and suffer alone about it so dont tell me"

I know thats not her intention but, christ, "dont ask dont tell" should never apply to a relationship with someone you love.

I could never be with someone I couldnt share my darkest thoughts or deepest secrets with. But I got lucky with my bf, I guess. Who knows, maybe in 10 years we will be distant and keeping secrets from each other.

I just hate all this blocking your significant other from having open communication with you shit. Seems really counter-intuitive. If you ignore a problem, it doesnt go away, it gets worse… and thats exactly why my lover and his wife have been struggling for so long.

I know, easier said than done.

If you don't tell her you cheated, I don't think it's a problem. But for your own happiness, I hope you can find help somewhere anon.

Who knows, maybe your psych chuckled because they cry at movies too…

>>13203

>I just hate all this blocking your significant other from having open communication with you shit.

I think it's more that she doesn't want the anxiety of worrying she's being replaced. But it's not going to happen, she's been there for me when others haven't, I'm not just going to throw her away like garbage. I'm just weak willed.

>Who knows, maybe your psych chuckled because they cry at movies too…

I also noticed she would treat me coolly if I didn't come in freshly shaved. I'm stereotyping here but she really didn't seem the type that had any personal experience that would help her empathise. Also once forgot to tell me that she had another appointment and had me show up when I was really fucked up and writing my thesis for absolutely nothing. I'd get a new psych but they all look so fucking perky, I don't want that person "mmhmm'ing" at my problems.

>>13204

>i am basically telling u that u can cheat but i want you to feel guilty and suffer alone about it so dont tell me

Also yes, this is why I don't feel as guilty as I should. So I feel extra guilty for acting like a stone cold sociopath.

>>13205

About your psych… It's hard to find the real ones. The best one I had was a total hippie and did cool shit like color and light therapy which got pretty intense. If I came in really depressed he had a genuinely concerned look on his face. Some people are really meant for the to job and others aren't.

Keep in mind them acting perky outside.of sessions is probably just them trying to atay professional. I would definitely *try* a new therapist.

About the cheating.. I mean you.learned your lesson and you aren't going to do it again so the best thing you can do is take the steps you need to forgive yourself. Its the best thing for you and your gf. You deserve forgiveness and peace, anon.

8chon is kill

>>13160

Oh boy.

You have a way with words.

You described your feelings just as if it was mine.

It has gone on ever since I remember. I don't remember most of the things I had done in the past.

Most of the day I feel as if I don't really exist. Or if anything around me exists.

I remember, back in the elementary school I was known as the "daydreamer", I think I still got a birthday card of a cartoon character daydreaming around somewhere, which I got from a teacher.

As I grew older, I did try to speak about the feeling of emptiness. To multiple people. Even some of my "friends" who stabbed me in the back.

They laughed about that shit behind my back. Spreaded screenshots etc. Thanks to which I have major trust issues.

I don't know.

Are we on the verge of insanity?

Are those early signs of losing our minds, our touch with the humanity, of going mentally handicapped?

I wonder where will this lead.

>You. Are. Not. Alone. Anon.

>>13206

Sorry for the delay been running around getting all my bits molestered in order to see what antibiotics I need. Ever seen a guy, who is generally so on edge that when given a dental injection the tiny bit of extra adrenaline in it made him start shaking uncontrollably, have a blood test? How about if he's needle phobic? I am the least manly thing in the world. How the fuck did I even manage to get into this situation being so anxious in the first place? Fucked if I know. Also I now know what it's like to have a q-tip shoved in my penis and twisted.

I am starting to think I need to talk to someone if only so I don't do anything stupid again. Just why did I do what I did? Part of it was snapping from being *incredibly* straight laced for the past 29 years. Part of it was probably Freudian mother issues shit, big boobed woman who was sexually available (as opposed to sexually ambivalent) and actually made me feel attractive. I've just stopped asking my partner to lie on top, she never wants to, just goes under my shoulder, makes me feel like a father more than a lover. I worry if I ever stop playing the part of the stoic rock she'll leave me. Had to put into words that she should, for one day, handle her own shit on the morning of my mother's funeral. Part was probably plain self destructive impulse. Part would be low self esteem. Part would be making up for "lost time" and accepting the morality of the masses, that is that our worth as men is defined by how many orifices you've been in. Of course being able to identify all these things doesn't mean I'm able to stop feeling them.

>You deserve forgiveness and peace, anon.

I worry if I stop self-flagellating that I'll do it again. She's been blowing up my phone all day, actually seems sorry now. Helped me find an online place that will deliver the meds before my gf gets home. (has this happened to her before?) Of course whether this is genuine guilt that was put off until her husband was out of the house, or a siren song since I stopped emailing her designed to enthral me again is beyond my ability to discern.

Also ffs you yourself had unprotected sex, get tested, Chlamydia can make you infertile if untreated. The other woman here seems to have had no idea her husband was fooling around, maybe wifey who had a threesome with you, is open to other things as well.

>>13211

>They laughed about that shit behind my back. Spreaded screenshots etc. Thanks to which I have major trust issues.

Just drop the bombs already, end this species. Although you probably don't want sympathy from me.

>>13212

Christ that sounds sooo invasive and humiliating for you I am so so sorry… I can't imagine what that must be like for you. I am sorry you have to be strong for your gf. A relationship should be more equal than that, supporting each other.

What you said about your sex life with your gf made me think about mine with my so… I feel horrible but I have not felt attracted to him since I got back. He literally asked me the other day "why havent we had sex since you got back?" jesus. Maybe if he ever showed a sexual interest in me we would have by now but there is no heat between us whatsoever.

Don't go back to that woman. She has major major baggage and you don't have feelings for her or an emotional connection do you? Do what you will, but she sounds like bad news all around.

Sounds like you and I will just have to accept we will never have good sex again.. Sad.

As far as getting tested, I really don't need to anon. If his wife had time to cheat on him, I would actually see him more than 5 hours a week but when she isnt working, she's. Always. There. Ugh. Plus she hardly ever fucks him, she seems to have the same sex drive as my bf. Trust me, I am okay. But thank you for your concern, really.

Fighting the urge to break down and cry because I miss him so much… Getting a little better at shoving my feelings down into my gut. I hope.

At least he and I had a nice night together last night. :/

>>13191

>>13192

>>13193

i pour my soul out, and no one seems to care.

It's always like this..

When i'm vauge about issues, replies all over

when i tell exactly this issue, the precise problem, everyone flees..

It's not just you guys, but everyone i ever talk to.

I just don't what to do guys, its gradually becoming more difficult to face myself.

To keep continuing like i belong in a reality that i feel 85% likely fake.

Should i seek help, honestly?

I really, really dont want to, everyone in my family that has went to the hospital.

>I'm so numb guys

>>13214

We are there. Even when we don't reply.

We read and we understand.

Consider this as just getting shit off your chest and not a therapy session.

We are the silent listeners who listen you your problems. We do not comment or judge you on them.

We do care.

>>13214

It's honestly because when you get specific it moves beyond what I can understand. Vague malaise and angst I can understand.

Yes seek help, they *should* only put you in the hospital if they think you're a danger to yourself, and if you're a danger to yourself you need to be in a hospital lest you do something you can't undo.

>>13213

Oh geez, for some reason I thought you were single. Sounds like we're fucked pretty much identically.

However, him asking why you haven't had sex is him showing an interest! Trust me when I say, the amount of courage needed to verbalise that after you've been rejected a couple of times is huge. I normally just wait for her to fuck off so I can have a wank because I've gotten resentful after being turned down so often all these years. Mmm healthy.

Also also, remember you can jump him. Kek, I was the one being pursued 10 years ago, fucked on the second date. Then again, you feel neglected by him and are probably giving him the metaphorical finger yourself.

Extra guilt time, I had been pestering my gf that she never buys anything for the bedroom. She ordered normal lubricant, which is required for everything because vaginismus and I'd left the package on the counter because who cares, she's not home. She's telling me online that things will get better, I of course don't believe her. She tells me to open the package. Lingerie, after 10 years fucking lingerie. Would have to happen after I fucking cheated on her.

>She has major major baggage and you don't have feelings for her or an emotional connection do you?

Told her some stuff, she told me some stuff, similar childhoods. Then again she doesn't seem to give a shit and is minimal efforting this bullshit. Plus after all I've been through with my gf I'm not going to throw her away like garbage, she stuck by me, I will stick by her.

>Sounds like you and I will just have to accept we will never have good sex again.. Sad.

Relationships aren't just about sex, relationships just aren't about sex. Your parents aren't fucking any more, relationships aren't just about sex. Why yes, I am trying to convince myself as well as you.

>Fighting the urge to break down and cry because I miss him so much… Getting a little better at shoving my feelings down into my gut. I hope.

Haha, time for drinking. Oh yeah antibiotics means I can't drink for a week. I should probably go eat something, I'm going to be noticeably thin when she gets back. Last couple of days I haven't really slept, I was up all night before the tests. Down to eating muffin a day. Should brush my teeth. Yep, I'm depressed again. Also cry if you want to, lest you end up like me and it comes out at the weirdest times, over nothing. Like on a bus once.

>>13218

Well thankfully my bf knows about my situation, so it must be even harder on you right now.

I don't have any resentment toward him, I just don't seem to have any intimate feelings toward him and I feel so guilty about it. I know relationships aren't just sex. But me and my bf's relationship is devoid of anything really right now, even joy. He's depressed, I'm depressed, he won't open up. Then, my lover is just constantly trying to distract himself from how lost he feels and hardly ever has a moment to talk to me.

Everyone's miserable right now and I can't help but feel like it's my fault.

Sometimes I can distract myself long enough to feel okay. Other times, like now, I wish someone would put me in a coma.

Anon, it really made me sad to hear how depressed you are. Breaks my heart. It sounds like your gf is starting to care/show more interest. Maybe that makes things harder, but I'm glad you're not alone right now. Even though me and my bf don't feel close right now, I can't imagine what I would have done to myself if I lived alone right now.

>>13175

I've lived with rage for years and what's helped me is dude weed lmao.

It doesn't just mellow me when I'm on but in the days after I've smoked as well.

I don't want to push drugs on someone but I'd recommend it for anger.

>>13219

Death, quick or no, is no release from the kinds of problems you're experiencing. You'd be just as alone and just as miserable then as you are now in "life" (if you could call it that). In one way or another, at one time or another, I think we've all been at that point, brought to the utter brink of desperation and despair, standing on the edge of a cliff and seeing only the endless black abyss beyond. You don't really want to die, no one does, but there is no other apparent path before you. But, is there any rush, or could you stand to hold on for just a moment to think things over first? If you don't mind my steering this discussion a bit, let's see if there are any elements in your life that you could conceivably change or modify.

When you're in such a dark and lonely place yourself, the last thing you need to hear from other people is all about their relationships, bfs/gfs/whatevers. I think the reasons why are already quite apparent to you. I wouldn't say you need to go and burn any bridges since you may need them later, but so far as is possible, let them know that you need a little distance for a bit to think more clearly and without such painful influences. If they're really your friends, they'll understand.

I can't say that I've ever visited a therapist, but the idea has always seemed of dubious benefit to me. Going to see some total stranger (though I'm one to talk) to get help with perhaps your most intimate troubles while they have a vested interest in you in any way (i.e. monetary) sounds like a recipe for heartache to me. If it really seems like a good idea to you though, that's your decision to make.

The above may all be well and good for diagnosing your problem, but then there's the question of how to treat it. If I had to say anything, it's that there's no one "right" way to go about doing this. Whether it's something more "conventional" or something that throws convention out the fucking window, I can't say. I wish I could give you some more concrete directions, but I just can't. It's something you have to find out for yourself, if you're willing to look for it. If you'd accept one little piece of advice from me however, it's to not be afraid to do something out of the ordinary, whatever that might entail.

This is, I believe, the single hardest thing for anyone to overcome: loneliness. I sincerely hope that what little I've written here might help you in even the smallest of ways. I'm not sure how much it might help you, but if you really want, I could write a little on my experiences, which might help to illustrate what I mean by un-"conventional". Might give you a little direction; just a thought.

>>13220

>I know relationships aren't just sex.

Maybe I stated that too emphatically. I'm more disappointed in my own desire for sex being so strong that it led me to infidelity. If I could switch it off I would, would get so much more stuff done. I sometimes lose whole days to finding source of pornography. My own flesh sickens me, especially the though that infectious materials would be produced were I to touch myself now. I feel nauseous just knowing I'm human, I wish I was something more.

>He's depressed, I'm depressed, he won't open up.

This I get, life is going roughly shit for both of us, it doesn't help. I just managed to get a thesis off of my head. I wrote the majority of it drunk, in a week. Do you know if *he's* not getting resentful from the lack of sex? I know the sex comes before the talking for myself, I do enjoy a post-coital chat. Again, with the world we live in it's pretty unrealistic to expect him to open up first (not that it's unreasonable for you to want him to) , given he's a man. I guess it's something that just can't be understood unless you've lived it yourself, but his worth to society and perhaps even to you is based upon his stoicism. You might have to make the first move. As unconscionable as it may be to say in (((current year))) that move may be sex you're not particularly in the mood for. The question remains whether you want to though, do you want to be more than friends with this man?

>I can't imagine what I would have done to myself if I lived alone right now.

kek, I'm used to it, it's probably been 13 years since the onset of my depression. Never had many friends, never wanted many, can only really manage one at a time anyway. In grade/high school I used to enjoy completely disappearing over the summer holidays. I'd just watch tv or later play videogames when we could finally afford it. Hell I'm marathoning justice league right now and the characters feel more real to me than most people I've met.

>>13223

Death is most certainly a release from my problems as it is a release of all but I didn't expect someone to steer me toward it unless I had an opinion they didn't like :^)

I don't need distance from my friends as much as I need them to shut the fuck up about specific topics. They know how sad I am but I think they think I'm better since I have more energy to pretend.

I don't see what else I can do for myself besides therapy so that's why I went after I found an allegedly reputable one. In my mind it's either treatment, pain, or suicide.

I'm not really afraid to do anything, but when it comes to a lot of self-help shit like telling off bad thoughts, I feel like I'm just deluding myself out of protection like a parent telling a child that Santa is real.

I don't care about overcoming loneliness. I used to think that if I had a gf I wouldn't be lonely but every relationship I've had has ended horribly and without answers. I'm done with them as a whole, for better or worse.

>>13224

Thank you for your response. He and I have usually always talked about everything and ever since we were just virgins in love, he's never been much into sex. I've always been the one to initiate it and after a while I got tired of feeling like I was just initiating a reluctant participant. For a while I thought I was just bad at sex or not attractive enough because it seemed difficult to please him. My lover dispelled that belief.. Somewhat (low self esteem and all that)

Honestly, he has a lot of shame when it comes to sex. He gets upset if I accidentally see his porn folders or something and I always tell him it's good and natural. The poor man has no self confidence whatsoever and it really kills his sex drive. I realize male stereotypes can pressure people but he is actually pretty sensitive and sometimes has trouble just holding it together, having breakdowns and crying fits. He just wont TALK about it to me, trying to find solutions. He was better today, though, today I was the broken mess. We like to take turns I guess :/

I do love him so much. I would do anything for him. I just don't feel attracted to him anymore and that makes me feel like a piece of shit.

How are things with you, anon? Any news?

>>13227

>He and I have usually always talked about everything and ever since we were just virgins in love, he's never been much into sex. I've always been the one to initiate it and after a while I got tired of feeling like I was just initiating a reluctant participant. For a while I thought I was just bad at sex or not attractive enough because it seemed difficult to please him. My lover dispelled that belief.. Somewhat (low self esteem and all that)

The similarities between us in this regard are uncanny. There's only one exception, at the start we lived under the same roof with my mother, I'm starting to think that the idea of getting caught did it for her, or maybe she just wanted it too because new romance hormones. Then again it could just be general stress with all the shit that's happened.

>He gets upset if I accidentally see his porn folders or something and I always tell him it's good and natural.

Hah, I get this, not that I would call some of the shit I've seen saved good and natural. Again he's probably crushed between two worlds, the old morality of sex as procreation only and the new morality of men being sexual exploiters of women. Either way he feels like shit for a desire, that is in me, about as strong as the desire to eat sometimes.

>pretty sensitive and sometimes has trouble just holding it together

>He just wont TALK about it to me, trying to find solutions.

He could still be trying to do it old school but just be at the absolute end of his rope. His entire low sex drive could be depression related. Remember I myself has lost it on public fucking transport. Hell, felt like crying coming back after the tests. Other possibility is that you're completely role reversed and you should be treating him like all of the advice would tell you to treat a woman, especially as in your own words you have a solution based support style.

As for news, meds are late, great more lies required if she checks the mail. I ordered pizza so have actually eaten something and am now struggling to get bathed, put on some clothes and check the mail just in case the meds have come but tracking is stupid. Also would be nice to not greet her smelling like a yak but I fucking hate how cold and depressed showering makes me. Stare at white walls and think about you life for 10 minutes, fun.

my throwaway email is bismarck@airmail.cc, I feel we're shitting up the thread

>>13228

I don't think you guys are shitting up the thread. I can't see how posting daily updates in a daily update thread isn't the intended purpose, even with the other conversation in the mix.

>>13228

Thank you for the perspective, it is really helpful. I do really care for him.

Yeah showers have been hard for me too because I usually spend the whole time crying while I try to wash my hair.

I hope things get better for us both, anon. I will make a throwaway email later and send u a message.

>>13230

Thanks anon. I do wanna see how other people are doing, too. I hope you're all okay. Always lurking if anyone needs someone to talk to.

>>13232

>Always lurking

same

im flying to italy

>>13235

Business or pleasure?

>>13230

Shouldn't have forfeited your right to complain, because I *will* keep going.

>>13232

>it is really helpful.

I somehow doubt that, but whatever, I'll keep whining if you'll keep listening.

Things will get better, all I need is a decent job, so I guess nothing will get better, hah.

Oh and same day delivery my ass, already one day late and dumbass mail guy was too lazy to leave the package (had to literally walk around to the other side of the mailbox and put it in) and has left a slip. Wanker deserves to be replaced by the automated package boxes that are being rolled out. My girlfriend wants to walk to the post office with me so she can get some stuff from the shops. Thank fuck I regularly order random crap to fix old computers online and it shouldn't be too suspicious if I pick up the package and then leave it on my desk because I'm not in the mood to fix shit. I will be glad when this is all over. Oh and I'm also not looking forward to going because I've seen a douche from my class at the local shops before. Real Dunning-Kruger type, but I guess he's smarter than me (less morally bound? Anymore? After what I've recently done?) because he's networked his way into a fancy job. Then again doing what amounts to admin instead of work within my field does not appeal to me at all. I'd rather be poor than dead.

Also doctor is late on getting results and my controller is fucking up so I can't even shoot anything in the head. Seems like anything that can be an obstacle to me will be. Life has become a long march. I can fix the damn controller but that's yet another thing put in between me and something fun.

>>13238

When it rains, it pours. I almost wanna say "it can't get worse than this" but I've learned from experience that it always always can… Hang in there anon.

>>13235

Where at, may I ask? (unless that is too personal)

It is a beautiful country with a very rich culture, anon, hopefully your reasons for going are positive ones. If so, you will love it.

>>13035

>>13062

>>13076

>>13103

All this shit happened turing one month.

I just can't take anything serious anymore.

I saw my ex today, with his new boyfriend.

The boyfriend have fucking frog eyes, I seriously don't get it what she sees in him.

I treated her like a fucking princess.

I never disrespected her.

I fucking respected her.

Now I am always every day on a bottle of hard liquer.

I haven't really seen point of living ever since I understood concept of living.

I just literally have no thoughts. I feel so distant from the surrounding.

I wouldn't mind if I died, because I just don't see the point living.

>>13246

Oh also, I have WELL over average size.

>>13238

holliday- pleasure

>>13239

sardinia

greetings from italy

>>13248

I wish I was there with you, anon. I miss Italy. How is it?

>>13246

Anon I have read your posts, all of them, I just feel like too much of a hypocrite to reply properly.

>>13251

I wouldn't really care if anybody read it or not.

I just felt like I wanted to get this shit off my chest. And atleast on this board, I know that there are people who are in the same situation, if not even worse.

So I know I won't get judged that much, not like the other boards and websites.

That's what we all need. To get shit off our chests without getting judged.

>>13246

I was at the peak of untreated PTSD and depression just as my brother ended up in the hospital and my gf left me. I get it, anon. I understand what it feels like to be constantly hammered with the worst pain you can imagine all in a short stretch of time.

I wish I had advice for you but all I do is drink, smoke, and watch It's Always Sunny. My days are blurred together, if computers and phones didn't say what day it is right on the screen I wouldn't even know what month we're in.

I guess I'm just waiting for my life to be over. I consider myself retired as a person.

>>13249

it is not very hot thanks to the wind. girls are nice but only small percent of women are in their teens. my stepfather today found Batoidea. but i am not satisfied with today, yesterday was better. i was snorkeling as well but did not find Batoidea

>>13255

Take some pictures and have fun, anon!!

>>13253

You wish that you had advice for me, but that what you typed in, was enough.

Atleast now we both know that we aren't alone. Even tho' I don't have a brother, but still.

We pretty much in the same circle. Circle of alcoholism and nicotine, or weed (I don't smoke weed cus this shit too expensive here, would be a GREAT solution for all this shit tho)

Anyways. Thanks for taking the time to reply. I appreciate it, and I appreciate you. You are never alone when you post here. We will be here for you.

To listen all your drunk rambles. About your relationships etc.

Even after the relationship depressions are stampled as just attention whoring, we know that its not.

>>13246

So. Today I met with the "frined" who stabbed my back

>read >>13076

He was such a pussy. He, first off started denying all this shit, until I shouted on him.

He then got scared and confessed everything.

Nothing happened, I know, but still, its not the way to act.

Anyways. Today's shitty day was all about the alcohol.

It's 4:33AM right now, and around 3AM we went into my work place to buy vodka (all the bars were closed)

My motherfucking co-worker didn't let us into the bar.

We walked fucking 10KMs just to get some drinks.

Atleast I had some brandy and whisky from friday.

I started rambling to all the people who I don't trust.

Told them to forget about what I said, and I contacted my psychologist.

Turned out that she upped the price.

Now I don't know what to do. I can't afford the psychologist. All I can afford is alcohol.

I will just drink myself to death. Fuck it.

>>13258

>>13246

>>13211

>>13076

>>13062

>>13035

Alright guys. I have decided. Tomorrow I will go buy a big bottle of painkillers for my migraine.

Also a bottle of hard liquor.

If I will feel as bad tomorrow as I feel today, I will fix myself a coctail and pull a plastic bag over my head.

I will write here if I reconsidered it. If I wont write here again, I'm a goner.

Good luck to you all.

>>13261

Anon, as much as you don't wanna hear this please don't an hero. Please be okay. Please please please. I've been feeling suicidal too but haven't planned anything. Keep fighting with me, with us. Please anon. I care. You are in my thoughts.

>>13261

anon, some days are very very dark but you have to know that you are loved and exiting is never ever worth it.

>>13257

>>13258

Thanks anon. I'm glad that it was enough to do something. Please don't an hero. I want to die too but suicide ends everything in your world, not just the bad, and poisons everyone around you with the same grief you carry. And there are still things in the world worth doing even with the pain holding you down. If I had shot myself when I planned I wouldn't ever have taken acid which was one of the greatest times in my life and one of the most intense things I've experienced.

I've been reading all your posts since I started posting in this thread and your post about you being scared of losing your gf, getting her back, and losing her for real broke my heart. Whether you believe me or not I cried reading that post.

Just like you say I'm not alone you aren't either. I check this thread every day.

>>13264

Also I gave myself the PTSD flag so I'm a little more recognizable to you. I hope you don't die.

>>13261

godspeed anon, RIP

>>13261

I mourn you, anon.

RIP.

Took the garbage out after midnight, glad I was not seen by someone coming home from partying

im fucking tired and my perception of everything has changed

i dont feel like im in my room anymore

i feel like im in a big empty room with white walls, a white floor and a white ceiling with a big window high up on the wall with a beam of light

i feel so fucking weird

The thrill is gone, the thrill is gone away.

I can't imagine anyone being more unhappy than me and with lower self-esteem.

It's nice this place isn't totally dead.

I don't deserve anything I have. I'm awful at my job, treat my friends like shit, my girlfriend thinks I'm a good person when deep down I'm an awful person. My family is beginning to get the idea that I'm not worthy of their respect. Shit, I don't even deserve to eat, my mouth is so full of fillings I don't deserve to use something I destroy so willingly. All I deserve is to get beaten, abused, and badmouthed because I'm an awful excuse for a human being. The worst part is that I'm not doing anything to change it. I don't have the money to find any help or get any medication. I have panic attacks when I drive so it's hard for me to get a job. I'm clumsy and my mind is degrading into a pile of mush. Maybe one day I'll become so braindead I'll be practically retarded, get some people pitying me and I'll be happy.

I started seeing a new therapist. I've lost count of the number of therapists I have seen over the course of my life.

I don't honestly know if he can help me, all the others couldn't. I don't even know what I want out of therapy or even life at this point. Non-existence, I suppose. No one supports that though.

I'm drifting along at work, waiting for some kind of opportunity. I always feel like I'm waiting for something, for the next… thing to start. Like at some point, I will finally be doing what I am supposed to be doing with my life, but every time any transition happens, it never feels right.

Will anything ever feel right?

>>12573

I want to say "i understand u, it happens to me" but also, this happens more to one of my best friends, i know why he said it, he truly had and have a hard life, and im here, with more things than him, i try to help him sometimes, but cant stop feeling like im useless, and dont deserve what i have.

>>12574

Finding work is a real nightmare :c.

i lost my head torch ;_;

I want friends, but am too much of an autistic sperg to get any. I just sit in my room wasting my life away playing childhood vidya while everyone gets on with their lives.

I'm going to spent fortune again on another psychiatrist just to talk about the maze I built in my head that I can't escape. Of course she won't help me, but maybe at least I will get some benzo this time.

Honestly, give me a button that makes me disappear, I won't hesitate for a second to push it.

I can tell my depression is getting worse. I just slept for 12 hours and I can't stop eating.

>>13333

can't you get psychiatrist for money from taxes (like national health service)?

I borrowed a little USB adapter for IDE drives from work. I have this old-as-shit computer that I used all throughout my teenage years, and I wanted to see if I could recover any files from it. I backed up most of my stuff from it when I got done using it, but later on I realized I missed some things, and it was too late because I had set up a 98/XP dual boot on it after backing stuff up.

Most of the files I found were either things I backed up already, system files, or stuff I missed that was corrupted beyond recognition. Makes me wish I could just go back in time and tell myself not to format the old drive at all (since I never even used that dual-boot setup), or to at least back up every last file on it beforehand.

A really cute Japanese guy came into the shop today, cutest guy I've seen IRL in years. He was looking for an old type of memory which we had plenty of, so I sold him one. Apparently there's a 15-year-old computer where he works that's used to manage some kind of system (forgot what it was), and the RAM in it went bad. I probably should have talked to him some more and tried to be friends with him, even if his English wasn't all that good. It's not every day that you meet someone cute that's familiar with old computers.

>>13376

Did he call himself Hououin Kyouma and yell about being a mad scientist?

I'm going to see a psychiatrist today. It's weird, then again, so is my whole life. I think I have schizophrenia, I'm experiencing things that aren't there; sights, sounds, smells, and touches. I'm not even sure if this is real, no assurance changes it. Who cares anymore? I want off this ride.

I've worked 52 hour weeks for 3 weeks in a row

can I die?

>>13443

depends on what you are doing in your job

>>13444

I walk 7-10 miles a day

>>13443

if you continue working so much- probably yes

I do not feel anything outside disappointment, intense misanthropy and disgust towards absolutely everything.

Basically I see no hope.swf

I vainly wait for evidence and people to convince me otherwise. I've waited for years I've grown more cynical, disheartened and demotivated as a result,

People fucking suck, world around us is going to shit, cancer is absolutely everywhere,'

I am literally unable to see any hope in the future. I have schizophrenia, a personality disorders and extensive white matter damage so I am not interested in wishful thinking, blue pills - vidya, animu, porn etc. I am disgusted with the thought of self delusion and escapism.

No-one is there to save me, world around me is going to shit and I have no place here.

Just please someone put me out of my misery as soon as possible.

>>13461

well shit, I thought those were large paragraphs probably because I spent a lot of time coming back to writing this. my bad it just comes across as messy thoughts all written at random intervals in a stream of consciousness fashion. Which it is.

Hello.

I will be talking to a psychiatrist for the first time soon. It's related to anxiety and panic attacks. What should I expect? Questions about how I "feel"? How do I prepare myself before getting emotionally and intellectually probed? Can anything fruitful even happen in a 1.5 hour long session?

Thanks.

Like shit. I've been texting this girl I went to school with and we hung out a few times over the summer. I thought she was starting to like me. We kept texting after she went to college, and tonight she was complaining about a guy not texting her, and it pretty much confirmed that she has no interest in me besides as a friend. I was going to quit smoking cigarettes, but now I'm smoking up a storm. I'm just going to start ignoring her. Don't think that a girl is different from the others; they're all the same.

i passed theroretical part of my driving exam :D

Accidentally saw my final school transcript again after a few years

1.9 GPA.

And so I chose to complain about me regretting about my parents not getting Ritalin because I was never able to get over the fact that my whole family is just a basket case of Stepford Smilers in order to spread the news of Jesus coming sometime in the 21st century.

Still can't remember important shit like my Social Security and Bank Accounts. Ah well, I've got plenty of time to waste on nothing of value anyways.

I'm a genuine idiot who has ruined every chance he's had for any success in any field. There is no escape, and I know it, this is a hole I've dug, and I'll never get out. I'm genuinely retarded, have no future, and the terrible thing is it's completely expected of me. I'm applauded by my father and mother because the fetal stroke I suffered didn't leave me a complete, malfunctioning retard. They put so much time and effort into fixing my physical issues, so any condition I'm in now is seen as admirable, because of the amount of surgeries, therapy, and shit I dealt with growing up. I don't even have motivation for anything anymore. The only people I can relate to are fucking eight or nine at the latest, all I can think about is the past, it's the only thing that brings me comfort, thinking about people I'll never see again who likely have long forgotten me. I wasted my time as a teenager because I had autism and constantly looked like shit because I didn't care, rarely paid attention to anything, and had a crush on a girl for over six years that only lead to her not only wanting nothing to do with me, but further lead to probably rightly justified anger against me. And I've never even spoken a fucking word to her.

Shit sucks. I constantly want to tell people how I feel but I literally can't. I'm incoherent as all fuck, yet I hold a perfectly fine conception of things in my head. I would blame all of this on my parents, but they didn't know what they were doing. I don't know what to do. Maybe there isn't anything to do. If I had the courage to kill myself I'd do it, fuck.

https://www.wired.com/2016/11/autistic-people-can-solve-cybersecurity-crisis/

here is some hope for you gotta keep it up, cant let the parents down anymore

>>13574

what is the cybersecurity crisis about?

Fucking complete utter shit.

Been having an anxiety attack for the past hour and an half while working.

Lucky for me, I'm on a nightshift.

I did have couple people walking in though. Hopefully they didn't notice.

Feeling shit to my stomach. Weak limbs. Veins on my arms are aching. My jaw is all cramped up. Hands shaking.

Feel like I'm on the verge of crying.

Derealization.

I was walking around the building, in circles while my back was all rolled up and I was panicking like hell.

Atleast the depression "season" is over, yay.

>exam season

>can't focus at all

>grades still shit when I can focus

>only friend is an hour plane ride away

>only friend is an active, productive person in his uni, in direct contrast to myself

>my gf tells me I'm boring and depressing to be around after 2 years

>relationship going down the drain real fast

>can't even muster up the courage to see a shrink

>can't even bother to write proper paragraphs

It's still hell on earth, just in a different form now.

everything all in a day. periods of being ok, then just losing my shit crying and holding back from doing stupid rage shit. Everything seems alright now so oh well

>>12569

It's 3:36 AM

I haven't slept a full night in ages

I don't have insomnia, no I have myself keeping me up, my thoughts, the things in my head, the pain, the anger, the regret, the rage that controls my life, I'm up, with these thoughts, and they terrorize me until I eventually pass out.

A couple minutes ago I rambled on /x, and tried to remote view as a spirit into my exes room, in the desperate attempt to try and just let her know the things she deserves to know, I wish I could just tell her, that I regret telling her to block me, that I'm not as angry as I made myself out to be, that I regret being so pissed off about things and going ALL CAPS MOFO on her, I never meant to let it get that bad, I just loved her, and the idea that she was slipping through my fingers again brought up feelings worse than death, I was so close to having her back too.

I've been rejected, so many times, in highschool, I was called a creep when word that I was gonna ask someone to prom got out, they didn't even know it was me, they just said "I hope the guy asking me out isn't that anon guy, he's such a creep" They called me a "stalkerish weirdo". I've been shot down a billion times it feels like, and she was the only one who wanted me, even if it was for a faulty reason for a while, I believe there was a time when she really loved me, and that made me so happy, I could die content with my life as it were. Now she probably hates me, I could have prevented it, I could have been better, been wiser, but I'm not. Now, at best I'm an obsessive, creepy, failed normie. The only thing that can redeem me is to start lifting again. Every day is filled with bouts of depression, regret, I feel pitiful, people tell me to just get over her, move on. Thing is it's hard to do that when I know that there's probably not many people out there who'll have me, who would even give me a chance in the first place.

I don't know what to do. I love her, and I want her back, but I know that the odds are stacked against it, but I also know that the odds are stacked against me finding anyone else either.

I don't get it, you know, the only thing that being nice ever got me was pushed over, stepped on, used, essentially bullied. But it seems to work for everyone else, it's like, when I try to be good, the world rewards me with dropping a steaming log right on my face. Am I gonna stop being nice? no, not because I like being shat on, but because it's right, I'm a depressed piece of oxygen wasting shit, but I'm a strong one, at least, will-wise, I can't feel forced to surrender my ways anymore. Maybe one day, if this shit doesn't work out, I'll find someone, anyone, just maybe who won't give up when things get hard, who won't put their fucking dogma higher than the law of love.

Who knows, tbh I think I'm a piece of shit, and I deserve to die alone, but that's not gonna stop me from wanting a partner to ride this shit out with.

>>13862

I painted the whole not sleeping thing on my ex and that situation, but that's not the only thing fucking me, it's the other thoughts, that and weird dreams, sometimes nightmares, been having those more often too.

Worried and anxious. I am making an appointment with my doctor tomorrow about help with stopping alcohol. I hope they don't pass me off and not give anti-seizure meds.

Also freaked out that they'll try to get me on an antidepressant again. I don't want a pill that's base is fluoride.

>>13883

To add I now go cycling, hiking and fishing to help with depression. It's always there but the hobbies help. I know it's never going away but whatever. I don't even enjoy fishing anymore but force myself to do it, I go with my wife and she has a blast.

>>13262

>>13251

>>13253

>>13258

>>13273

Sad or happy to tell you, I am still here. I hope that yall niggas see it.

See it just because there's still fucking light. I never got laid after that.

I never felt any decenci after that.

But If I, bipolar 2, can handle this shit. yall niggas can too.

Unless you fucktards have some fucked up illnesses. But I'm still here. I didnt an hero. Even tho I tried but they pumped me…Multiple times.

I hope yall hobosexuals wont live it through. Its cryworthy. Not cringe. but cry

The difference between having one friend and no friends is really astounding. I hope he's having fun a uni but it get's lonely here.

I'd probably be addicted to drugs if my anxiety didn't stop me from contacting dealers myself.

I really hate having to rely on other people but I'm too lazy to be self sufficient.

haven't bathed in a week, sleeping at like 4-5am, haven't left my house in the time either, I've been skipping class (inb4 underage, I'm 19, I had to redo a year)

I get fucked up off sleeping pills because they're easy for me to access, people I've told about it think I'm pathetic and I should just get "real drugs" but I'm a pussy as mentioned before. Not that I haven't and don't do "real drugs", they're great.

Of course no one thinks I have proper depression, I'm just asking for attention or whatever according to them, so I don't talk about it any more, then they wonder why I stay indoors all the time.

I fucking hate life, but can't bring myself to an hero so I guess deep down I must think it's not that bad. Every day I wake up and feel like shit I'm sure you guys understand

was feeling good then I came on here and now I am sad

>>13913

I had that same problem until I discovered buying drugs online - darknet markets, bitcoin, and PGP are all you need

>>13917

unfortunately this is not really an option for me because

1. I can't afford to move out of my parents house, last time I bought off DNM they found it and threw it away

2. As far as I know, most of the reliable markets were recently taken down

3. RCs are illegal where I live

however, I have discovered a possible solution. I don't know why it never occurred to me before, I could buy san pedro cactus, since that's legal to own.

>>13263

loved by who? strangers on the internet who never met me? a god who i can never be sure of exists?

I cannot stop watching Final Fantasy 7 Machinabridged, I think there's a problem here.

This is all so fucked, reality, the world, society, life, whatever you want to define it as. How can anyone bear these feelings? I feel like I'm being crushed every moment of my existence, only distracting myself takes me away from it.

>>13881

> everyone wants a degree (IT)

Not true. I know a guy who doesn't have a degree that started at a help desk, became a help desk team leader after a few years, moved up to an IT admin position and now is an IT manager after 10 years. Makes something like $70k+ per year. Just have to find a place willing to hire on experience. Try indeed or monster.

t. IT professional of 8 years. I stared with no degree too but got one after 6 years.

>>14045

How credible do you think those tests were? These days people just call everything that's sad "depression", though it is possible to have it the other way round where you think you're not depressed just because act happy as part of your character.

To me, depression is when you're living, but you don't really feel alive.

I'm watching F1 and it's awesome Hamilton is crying.

I took down this small wasp nest that's been hanging over my porch for a good month or so now. Took a good deal of psyching myself up to do it, I was deeply afraid they were going to fight back once I started spraying. But they just sat there and took it.

Trapped, vaguely anxious, depressed, and lacking my sleeping pill prescriptions, so I will probably get fuck all for sleep tonight. I feel like running away, just getting in my car and driving until lord knows when. Also I found a new album that I like.

>>14066

Don't run away without cash. Something like 2 months worth of expenses would be ideal (I'm not an expert on running away, I've never done it). That should be enough time to re-establish yourself – find a basic job and get a place you can maintain.

Sleeping is the hardest thing in the world to come by for me if I'm not dead tired. The world is so empty at night where I live. Sleeping pill prescriptions sound rad.

>>13376

Faggot fuck

Going to get help soon

>>14635

Wow. I thought I was the only one with such an obsession… I should get away from it too but my Asperger's won't let go and I keep falling back the moment I see a newspaper article randomly at some place. It's all so painful and frustrating at this point.

im supposed to start uni today…

I'm going to off myself before I have to pay any debts in my name, sorry mom and dad.

Fucking terrible. I thought I was getting help today but I was re-scheduled.

Fucking christ that stings so bad.

I think my anxiety is the root of all my mental problems, I tried cbd rich weed and worked like wonders on me, I was in a clear mental state and could actually articulate myself properly, the only problem is that weed is illegal where I live and you never know what kind of weed you get.

I might talk with my doc about anxiety drugs, but I am somewhat afraid they will fry my brain.

Should I just sell them to a drug dealer and get proper weed from good sources?

>>14666

If the weed you're taking right now works, then don't bother selling it.

>>14667

I wasn't talking about weed, I was talking about the medication that might get prescriped

>>14668

Oooohhh! Well, I haven't had good experience with anti anxiety meds, but I suggest you try it first.

>>12978

There are chubby chasers who can fuck you.

i got to know 17yo mulatto girl from my state online :3

>>15407

LA CREATURE

>>15419

she looks like syrian or tunisian or moroccoan

>>15460

Does she have colored eyes?

>>15461

her eyes are brown

https://www.disabilitysecrets.com/win-can-you-get-disability-for-depression.html

https://www.alllaw.com/articles/nolo/disability/determination-anxiety-disorders.html

https://www.disabilitysecrets.com/conditions-page-1-30.html

https://www.truehelp.com/understanding-ssdi/guidelines-by-disability/sleep-disorders-and-social-security-disability-insurance/

>>15479

Thanks