/lit/ - Literature

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This is the first chapter bundle of a larger work. It's 6,211 words for over four chapters, but you could read the first two chapters.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/18715999/chapters/44389918

2,000 word short story.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/23078542

>>16784

> This is the first chapter bundle of a larger work. It's 6,211 words for over four chapters, but you could read the first two chapters.

I only read the first chapter.

The very first paragraph is describing 4 different planets that I don't give a crap about.

Next, the assassination scene is, just straight up, boring. I see you're trying to depict the cool sniper guy getting frustrated and trying to escape, but I can't feel any emotion from what should have been a major fuck up, guy just sounds like a robot as he jumps down a rooftop and breaks his legs.

Then we meet the blond guy… and then you throw in statements such as "Everyone knows blond andriods are evil", when I the reader, didn't.

I'm not feeling any sort of direction or motivation from anyone at all, probably cause the characterization is nonexistent, and there is no plot being defined.

Basically, this story has no plot, and the characters are boring to me.

> 2,000 word short story.

This one is sightly better than the previous one, but thats only because of a couple factors;

-It's set in the real world, so the shitty infodumping is cut out and unneeded.

-Your characters actually face an interesting dilemma, that I can understand would make them face some consequences, unlike the other story where sniper guy jumps off a roof and breaks his legs.

Alright, so our guy is being threatened by someone online to do something online or else his homo fanfiction will be released to his parents.

And then your story just takes a dump there.

Your MC does nothing except says "fuck you" to everyone around him, his parents confront him about the gay fanfiction but they just brush off the issue, a random online girl who contributes nothing to the plot comes up, and at the end I still don't understand who the blackmailer is or what I am suppose to feel.

Basically, your characterization is shit, and your plot doesn't exist. The short story you posted basically seems like you are writing about your daily internet browsing instead of a interesting story.

I don't want to read a blog, I want to see an interesting story and interesting situations and interesting characters.

>>16787

Here's other feedback to contrast.

>>16769

>The very first paragraph is describing 4 different planets that I don't give a crap about.

It's not four planets, but one planet and three cities.

>The recently colonized planet only hosted three cities that neighbored each other:

You gotta check your reading comprehension for at least the second sentence.

>guy just sounds like a robot as he jumps down a rooftop and breaks his legs.

He didn't break his legs.

>"Everyone knows blond andriods are…"

That's supposed to tell you that they do.

The characterization and plot gets built up over the next chapters. As for the information density of the text, I'm steering terse more often than others.

2nd story is a repost of:

>>16533

>Your MC does nothing except says "fuck you" to everyone around him

This one is inaccurate.

>at the end I still don't understand who the blackmailer is

This is typically the case on the internet.

>what I am suppose to feel

Ok. So the joke flew over your head.

Bump for an actually interesting thread.

>>16908

https://terrorhousemag.com/templar/

Tear me a new one if you're still alive, OP.

>>16909

I knew that Terror House was /lit/

"WHY AM I IN YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE"

IS THIS WRONG?

I MEAN, ARE YOU TRYING SOMETHING?

I MUST CONFESS, MY SOCIAL SKILLS AREN'T THE BEST

BUT THIS IS NUTS

I'M NOT COMPLAINING, ACTUALLY

BUT, DAMN

DO YOU SHOW YOUR ASS LIKE THAT TO YOUR FRIENDS, LIKE, ALL THE TIME?

AM I THE ONLY ONE IN THIS LIST? THAT IS EVEN MORE WEIRD (GOD, I HOPE SO)

I REMEMBER WHEN I FOLLOWED YOU BACK

I LIKED YOUR PICS

I ADMIRE YOU, TO BE HONEST

I HAVE A LOT OF PEOPLE THAT I WANT TO FUCK ON MY CLOSE FRIENDS

BUT THEY STILL MY CLOSE FRIENDS

I'M NOT YOUR CLOSE FRIEND

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE

LET'S TALK, LET'S MAKE A VIDEO CONFERENCE, HIT ME UP ON DISCORD

IS THAT WEED? OH MY GOD, DID YOU ADDED ME TO SEE YOUR SMOKING?

I DON'T SMOKE WEED IN DAYS, THIS IS A BIG TRIGGER

IS THAT A FUCKING BUZZFEED TEST?

ARE YOU TESTING ME, INTERNET?

FUCKING YOUNG PEOPLE AND THIS HORNY INSTA

I JUST HAVE TO SEND A FIRE EMOJI? THAT'S IT?

I'M ONLY 19 BUT I'M FEELING OLD AS FUCK

I SPEND MY DAYS SCROLLING MARK FISHER AND HEGEL MEMES, I KNOW, NOT HEALTHY

SHOULD I BE IN THIS GIRL DM'S?

DAMN. THAT'S HARD

THE LAST TIME I FLIRTED WITH A GIRL WE ENDED UP HATING EACH OTHER

I DON'T HAVE MUCH HATE TO SHARE WITH SOMEONE ELSE, I ALREADY HATE HER

I AM NOT PROUD OF THIS, BUT I HAD NO CHOICE

I HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HATE HER OR HATE ME

WHY AM I IN CAPS LOCK RIGHT NOW? WHY ARE YOU READING THIS? IS THIS POETRY?

IS THIS POETRY? DAMN, FUCKING CONTEMPORARY ART

I'M NOT PISSED OFF, FAR FROM IT

I'M ACTUALLY GLAD THAT YOU ADDED ME TO YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE YOUR ASS, I HOPE I'M THE ONLY ONE HERE

THIS IS A GREAT MOVE, ACTUALLY

I'LL WAIT, I DON'T KNOW IF I SHOULD ANSWER THIS STORY

LET'S MEET SOME TIME

I LIKED YOUR PIC, MARINA ABRAMOVIC TYPE OF SHIT, I LIKE THAT

CAN I BE YOUR SIMP?