>>16445
>>16449
Ouffda. Whatta day and a night. Anyway, here's my late impressions.
The writing suffers from what I would call outlining disease. You are sketching characters out in flimsy first order detail. The problem with presenting characters like this is it starts to read like a laundry list.
>and his sweaty, limp hand felt like a sponge when he had to extend it to greet a new co-worker.
For example, you might try expanding this into a little scene describing how someone reacts to being handed a wet sponge of a handshake, without using "wet sponge" in your description.
>Suddenly, a block to the restaurant, …
I usually interpret this construction as a note from the writer to himself about something of importance in need of proper emphasis. A Freudian slip of sorts. Thing is, if you drop the "suddenly" you have what you want in basic form. I'd suspect you were in discovery writing mode at this point, which is perfectly fine. Going with the flow is one powerful writing technique to move forward. But, with the discovery method, you then need to go back and analyze with an eye to what you were really trying to communicate. Again, what does the need for suddenness mean? Obviously, she's suddenly hesitant, yes. Why? Stereotyped female behavior is cliche. If you imagine a bit as to why you felt the need to note its importance, you may discover a path to a more interesting character, a better means of characterization, an improved scene, avoidance of cliche (or how to better use cliche to your advantage), and a path to a better story.
Those are just my first impressions. I may be telescoping out my suspicions based on similarity other young writers typically demonstrate. It's hardly a fair analysis as there is not enough to go on. Don't be discouraged by my commentary. Keep writing.
I was thinking of suggesting some novels for you to pick over in comparison, as examples of what you probably need to be on the look out for and learn from. But, they're not a proper syllabus, just some examples I'd be rattling off the top of my head. Let me know if interested and I'll throw the list at you with some further commentary.
