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Excelsior!

Sister site: [Fan-fiction]

File: 529546c344d131e⋯.jpg (415.11 KB,1280x856,160:107,19999.jpg)

 No.16445

I'm writing a short novel. Let me show ya a little passage so you guys can get interested.

John's face was always gloomy. When someone asked him a question, he would answer monosyllabically or pretend to be deaf. He'd never look into one's eyes, and his sweaty, limp hand felt like a sponge when he had to extend it to greet a new co-worker. His life was divided between his home and the office. He spent the weekends sitting on the old couch in front of the television, reading the late newspapers and drinking beer.

No one liked John except Martha, who thought he was a true gentleman. Finally, one day, he ended up inviting her to dinner. Marta blushed when she received the invitation, her heart pounding as she couldn't help but let out a shy smile from her lips. She swallowed and agreed day and time.

Two hours before the meeting, Marta took a long bath with scented salts and applied a hydrating mask on her face. She brushed her hair for a long time, but in the end decided to make a relaxed bun. She painted her eyes, stretched her lashes and intensified her lips with red lipstick, dressing in a tight skirt and a slightly transparent silk blouse that she had saved for a special occasion.

Inside the cab, on the way to the restaurant, Marta tried to straighten a strand of hair that kept peeling off her bun, running her fingers across the skirt whilst looking intermittently at her makeup mirror as to touch up the lipstick.

Suddenly, a block to the restaurant, a thought crossed her mind. What if John had only invited her to talk about work issues? As she got out of the cab, Marta used a shop window as a makeshift mirror only to ponder whether her skirt was too tight, or her shirt too transparent.

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 No.16446

Bump.

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 No.16447

No one is interested?

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 No.16449

(Derp. Second post. First attempt created a new thread instead of a proper reply. Another pot, another go, just so.)

Taking a look and pondering a bit. My first impressions for what to critique seem to be running off the rails after a second read. I really should not try to do this right after I wake up. After a pot or two of coffee set to chasing away the fog, expect a subsequent commentary in the next four hours or so.

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 No.16450

Is this the very beginning of the story? If it is i would say i sort of like it but if not… hmmm depending how long of short write you're doing it could become a bit tedious maybe? That is if your rythym like this stays the same throughout. Thats just my worthless two cents though. I'm very overdue on sleep at the moment so i may be way off and it's vauge criticism anyhow. It's not terrible. I think you should write the whole thing and feel it out as a whole.

I just got quite the idea for a story earlier today and came here to ask some advice myself. I've never written anything outside of schoolwork really. I like the idea i came up with it's origional to me at least and i think it could be really fun. Don't want to reveal the premise. I was thinking i might write a short story of it since i'm a beginner. If anyone feels like giving a total nube a tip or two i would appreciate it. I'm thinking it's going to be a story where you think it's the current time and place but Plot Twist! You find out at the end it's not the current year or more precisely a near in the future setting at all. That's not the main point of the story though. It just drives the actual story home at the end.

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 No.16453

>>16445

>>16449

Ouffda. Whatta day and a night. Anyway, here's my late impressions.

The writing suffers from what I would call outlining disease. You are sketching characters out in flimsy first order detail. The problem with presenting characters like this is it starts to read like a laundry list.

>and his sweaty, limp hand felt like a sponge when he had to extend it to greet a new co-worker.

For example, you might try expanding this into a little scene describing how someone reacts to being handed a wet sponge of a handshake, without using "wet sponge" in your description.

>Suddenly, a block to the restaurant, …

I usually interpret this construction as a note from the writer to himself about something of importance in need of proper emphasis. A Freudian slip of sorts. Thing is, if you drop the "suddenly" you have what you want in basic form. I'd suspect you were in discovery writing mode at this point, which is perfectly fine. Going with the flow is one powerful writing technique to move forward. But, with the discovery method, you then need to go back and analyze with an eye to what you were really trying to communicate. Again, what does the need for suddenness mean? Obviously, she's suddenly hesitant, yes. Why? Stereotyped female behavior is cliche. If you imagine a bit as to why you felt the need to note its importance, you may discover a path to a more interesting character, a better means of characterization, an improved scene, avoidance of cliche (or how to better use cliche to your advantage), and a path to a better story.

Those are just my first impressions. I may be telescoping out my suspicions based on similarity other young writers typically demonstrate. It's hardly a fair analysis as there is not enough to go on. Don't be discouraged by my commentary. Keep writing.

I was thinking of suggesting some novels for you to pick over in comparison, as examples of what you probably need to be on the look out for and learn from. But, they're not a proper syllabus, just some examples I'd be rattling off the top of my head. Let me know if interested and I'll throw the list at you with some further commentary.

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 No.16455

>>16445

>>16453

>laundry list

Yeah, that's what I got too. The rhythm of the story is bland and its details are (un/de)saturated. Unless this is an outline, the pacing is too rapid while, paradoxically, on an individual sentence level it's monotonous.

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 No.16479

File: 6b778742ca3557f⋯.jpg (477.54 KB,1025x1500,41:60,2019-10_-_A_Mrs._Miracle_C….jpg)

>>16445

Your sentences lack variation and depth, you are writing the woman section a lot better than your intro to the man but it lacks creativity. Is this man autistic or a killer or sleepy? Give us an anecdote or thought process for him other than

>What if John had only invited her to talk about work issues?

You shouldnt be writing novels in the style of Debbie Macomber unless you plan on writing 50 of them and having no soul

Pic related your equivalent

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