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/kind/ - Random Acts of Kindness

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File: 1457765982318.jpeg (253.6 KB,985x769,985:769,image.jpeg)

 No.28201 [Last50 Posts]

The corner where we shove all the unpleasant stuff we gotta put somewhere. I'll start.

I don't know why I'm alive. This world is lousy and I'm not strong enough to deal with it. As is common with depression I can't very well enjoy things and anything and everything has a gray filter to it. It goes beyond that though, I simply cannot hold on to anything, nothing is mine to hold important in the end because I'm so defective and untuned to embrace this world or any other imaginable one. Living is just intangible chains and barricades and as much as I'm able to I hate it. Over and over I tell myself it would all be better if I could just not be me, to not be me would be to not have these unfixable problems. I don't want help, nobody could possibly provide me any real aid and the authority I'm supposed to turn to is a sick joke. The world is just one big bully and I sit and take it because I can't fight.

I'm sorry for making this thread, it doesn't even do anything for me but I have to do something even if it's just whining and complaining only for the sake of doing so.

____________________________
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 No.28203

File: 1457766242680.png (452.27 KB,709x709,1:1,1455358356407.png)

Well tbh there's no inherent reason for living, or being born or anything. You could just come up with one if you wanted.

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 No.28209

>>28203

I feel everyone is ugly and everything is outside my reach. Any variation of any lifestyle, any valued thing or concept, ect.- I'm a loser no matter what, whether I buy into the cheap cookie-cutter mind-control ideals of modern society or not it doesn't matter. With no god, friends, love, creativity, intelligence, beauty, stamina, wealth, or ability to appreciate things for what they are I may as well not have whatever equates to a soul yet here I am. I have no conviction to even want to die and it makes me want to cry but I'm unable to do that too anymore. I've heard it said that the greatest pain mankind has is uncertainty. I agree with that sometimes.

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 No.28219

File: 1457784718863.jpg (1.46 MB,1800x1786,900:893,6dff6032221d6cac31a01166bc….jpg)

I feel like I'm wasting my life away. I'm only alive because I haven't gone to sleep yet. I spend most of my day working on projects which I don't even like, but they're all I have.

I spend a lot of my time lying in bed, imagining a life much better than the one I have, because I know that I am incapable of achieving that better life in actuality.

I don't really like this place either. Like with everything, it seems to be some secret club where everyone gets along, and I'm intruding. An outsider. I don't belong.

Maybe it's because I'm a very unkind person by nature.

Everything feels fake. No matter where I go, or who I speak to, it boils down to the same basic principle: I'm talking to people I don't know about things that don't matter.

And that's all my life will ever be.

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 No.28222

>depressed

>not killing yourself because reasons

Well, I hope you all somehow die on accident, friends.

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 No.28223

File: 1457795765147.gif (933.68 KB,393x388,393:388,1441537628597.gif)

You are fine anon. Your wall of text is too long so I'm not going to read all of it.

If you can pull yourself together to write such a long monologue you could put your life back together.

Fighto

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 No.28224

One thing I strongly recommend everyone, as someone who has been mopey his whole life, is cardio. Lots and lots of cardio. Hard cardio. But keep it easy to start out with. Even then, though, at least a half hour 4-5 days a week of SOMETHING that keeps your heart rate elevated and your lungs huffy and puffy I promise WILL make you feel much better after about 3 months if you stick to it.

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 No.28226

File: 1457796907482.jpeg (57.08 KB,500x521,500:521,image.jpeg)

>>28223

I think I might hate you, all due kindness.

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 No.28227

File: 1457797072973.jpg (90.43 KB,528x779,528:779,1452999681311.jpg)

>>28224

Hard to find motivation to do cardio when you don't care about yourself or your body.

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 No.28278

>>28227

When I'm feeling unmotivated, I just go out and do it. Motivation to continue almost always comes anyway. And even if not, so what? Motivation is just a feeling; basing you actions on transitory emotional states, well, I'd have to be /unkind/ to say it.

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 No.28283

>>28278

Just doing stuff makes my anxiety and defeatedness flare up even more than trying to ignore life. Time will catch up with me eventually but that's when I opt out because fighting on has really lost all meaning. I don't let my emotional state throw me all over the place because it never changes anyway but if you wanna throw your unkind point at me then have at it, not like anyone ever is able to get to me with their opinions anyway (y'all are just accomodating, not that I wish to abuse that).

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 No.28284

>>28219

I think maybe you should at least take pride in whatever these projects of yours are. As far as fitting in goes that's up to your interpretation isn't it? You doubtless are able to coincide here peacefully but maybe you don't feel like you share certain people's enthusiasm. I wouldn't let that get to you though, people have different viewpoints and motivations and even if you came here for the simple need to get along with others that's enough and that's all that's asked of you. Maybe you feel you don't get along with or like people here enough and that's fine too, you're not restricted to this or any one community.

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 No.28315

>>28283

Do it anyway.

No talking or typing.

Count 1… 2… 3– now go.

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 No.28317

>>28315

Fine butthole. Starting this hour of midnight I'm gonna draw a picture and hate myself for it and it will be all your fault!

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 No.28322

>>28317

Express your dukka through picture, yes!

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 No.28338

File: 1457980045093.jpeg (37.87 KB,500x281,500:281,image.jpeg)

>>28322

Alright… Google's showing me spices, nuts and noodles.

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 No.28365

My exbf who i would >>>/pretend/ with and revealed my real sex to, just talked me me again,i haven't talked to him since 2009.

I hate having feelings for someone who isn't even sexually into me, i made a terrible mistake, i played with too many random guys online and actually liked one. Hes so nice to talk to a disturbing gay whore like me, i'm not even trans (no gender dysphoria, just autogynephilia).

I just wish i was born a woman, the women in my family are god tier, short with giant breasts, i could be married now making him happy, fulfilling him, taking care of his children, feeding him. Instead i'd have to get disturbing operations and take drugs scaring my spital memory or getting a fucking womb implanted. I'm so ashamed around him, i'm so hateful to myself.

I'm so angry at myself and i can't even cry anymore because the salt is seriously hurting my eyes to where i've been taking medicine for irritation. He makes want to die, i'll never been the right gender, i'll never be able to give him a family, i'm so perfectly useless to him.

Last i heard he had an irish gf, i don't even feel bad at the thought of him enjoying her natural female body, i want him to be satisfied and start a family, it's even a painful thought.

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 No.28367

>>28338

I probably misspelled it but that's the pronunciation for a Sanskrit word that depending on context means "suffering", "frustration", and so forth. I was referencing the First Noble Truth of the Buddha: which roughly translated means "Life Is Suffering/Chronic Frustration/Etc.".

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 No.28383

>>28365

That story is depressing, hits home a little, but also rather cute.

I don't know what I could write to truly make you feel better, except that there are a lot of other boys in the ocean. Treasure the memories you have, but don't linger on them forever, or they'll eat you up.

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 No.28399

>>28383

>I don't know what I could write to truly make you feel better, except that there are a lot of other boys in the ocean. Treasure the memories you have, but don't linger on them forever, or they'll eat you up.

Thank you.

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 No.28458

>>28365

There's nothing more of a shame than people feeling they weren't born right I think. Second to that I guess would be unattainable love. Whatever order I'd place it all in I'm sorry you have to feel the way you do dear Anon-o-gynephilic. If only life were like a video game and we got to balance things as we liked them before we were born or just whatever the hell that seems like it would work. Maybe we'd be platonic girl friends you and I.

Anyway, I don't mean to cheapen your troubles with "Well tons of people want to be pretty girls." but that's about all I can say. I hope things somehow turn around for you.

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 No.28491

File: 1458192256882.jpg (464.29 KB,840x1200,7:10,1456058176230.jpg)

>>28201

I like the idea of a mopey thread. There's a lot of threads of people complaining about their own personal woes, and it kinda makes /kind/ quite a negative/unpleasant place to be sometimes.

A place where all that kind of stuff can go instead will be beneficial I think.

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 No.28492

File: 1458192720604.gif (798.69 KB,500x374,250:187,14typing.gif)

I want to receive attention and love, but I don't want to give any.

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 No.28493

>>28492

Do you know the reason that might be? Stubbornness? Fear or unwillingness to express yourself or just presenting yourself in general? Nobody you think deserves your affection? Don't feel you have the energy or know-how to give without having received?

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 No.28494

>>28491

Well the saying that nice guys finish last isn't far off I think, from what I see gentle people are very often people who don't want to hurt because either they know how it feels and don't want to spread it or they don't have the self-esteem to choose to be the bad guy. That isn't to say that empathy is a weakness but it's easier to shut out less than pleasant factors and people if you can get by on your own steam.

Anyway, what I'd conclude from that rambling is that it's to be expected from a community of goody-goodies.

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 No.28497

I want to say I'm a misanthrope but quite the opposite might be true. I hate dealing with people, they're ugly, stupid, obnoxious and all-around unpleasant in my eyes. What makes me doubt disdain for humanity though is that I take feelings very seriously in concept. I feel that we're all unfortunate for whatever faults we have and don't want to blame anyone for anything. I never understood someone hating a character in fiction for being a villain, to me even if they're outright vile they're just different and misunderstood. These feelings don't reach me in real life though, I don't have the capacity to endure people's shit so most everyone is toxic to me. Online though I'm super mellow and can enjoy some people again. I'm left to wonder then how much I actually like people as people and why.

So that sums up the most important point of why I'm doomed to loneliness and dreariness I guess. I could go on and on (and just might eventually, sorry) but ultimately I'm just screwed up and can't be fixed. I guess I'm wanting to treat this like a blog or diary or whatever the hell because I need to feel like I'm talking to someone for writing this down to matter. I'm not looking for you guys to be my therapists or even expect my walls of text to be read, I just need it out somehow. Like tears in the rain maaaan…

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 No.28537

File: 1458276168251.jpg (444.1 KB,800x1200,2:3,1456101137900.jpg)

>>28493

No, I'm not scared of anything, Anon.

I don't know why it is.

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 No.28539

>>28537

Like literally not scared of anything? -because I'd find that impressive.

Anyway maybe the reason might not have a definitive explanation or maybe the cause just eludes you faster than you can realize it's there or something like that. The brain can be too tricky to observe but if you believe it possible maybe there's some methods you can set up to catch yourself on a reasoning or motivation.

I'm just spitballing here though, if you wanna give something to work with (not that anyone can promise any kind of expertise) you might get more helpful responses.

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 No.28540

>>28539

-actually I wanna apologize right quick, by the nature of this thread you may not have wanted any kind of particular response or questioning so I don't mean to insinuate you're calling out for help.

Have a good day Friend.

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 No.28648

File: 1458503237794.jpg (24.77 KB,395x428,395:428,1455646494046.jpg)

>>28539

>>28540

I just wanted to voice it.

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 No.28730

For starters, there's nothing wrong with feeling that way, so stop punishing yourself or letting others look down on you for already being in a pretty gloomy place. Secondly there IS good and light and wonder in the world, but part of getting to it is seeing the evil and shittiness for what it is so you can reject it in favor of what you really love and care about. That may include all the defeatist/nihilistic replies you may have already expected to see here, but then again those may also be people fighting the same internal battle in their own way. Peace.

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 No.28753

File: 1458667604643.jpg (47.24 KB,500x375,4:3,1458589835160.jpg)

I don't know if this is mopey, to be honest. I'm moreso confused than sad. I was kinda sad for a while there, a week or so now, but at this point, confusion has taken over.

What the hell is wrong with me?

To explain this in the best way I can, I have not been able to do ANYTHING right in the past few days. Not a damn thing anymore.

I can't fall asleep properly, I can't play vidya, I can't even shitpost without fucking it up. I keep dropping things for seemingly no reason and everything I say to everyone has been the worst thing I could have chosen to say. There's more examples, but the main point is simply that I have not been able to accomplish anything today without some sort of fuck up, no matter how major or minor it is.

The one time in my life when I need things to go right, everything goes wrong. Fucking typical.

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 No.28760

A bit of a TV cliché is that everything would have just worked out if you cast aside some of your pride and asked for help. Putting aside how those characters are already respectable enough for you to like I disagree in such a hopeful safe message. As someone who has no real amount of pride I say more it's a fear of losing dignity which is a very legitimate all-around concern. If you feel like a mess and you don't see a way out there's still that much to lose for no gain. Everyone around surely knows that I'm a dreary person but when you put it into words or obvious actions that outright make a statement people inevitably judge or won't leave you alone and you cant stop them without really losing it and getting agressive and driving them off and adding a personal hurt to their lives. I already have so little connections that keep me safe, no part of that process is acceptable just to vent so that's why I'd like forgiveness for perpetuating a sorrowful atmosphere here even if only within this lone thread.

-but that's a foreword of sorts really, should I remember what I had to bitch about I'll be back. Brain problems.

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 No.28960

Both pretty and ugly, positive ane negative things make me sad anymore and so I no longer want to watch anime. I feel like my mind isn't even my own in a world I don't feel a part of and I can't even escape into imagination and by extension my heart to want to create. All I want to do is sleep anymore but I do that too much and I'll just get sick and frustrated. I'm done trying to think anything positive will ever come of my life, being a drone to consume the next product simply isn't okay with me (I mean hell, I don't even do that right). I tell myself pretty automatically I want to die a few times daily but I don't believe anything I say or feel. The negative feelings I feel might be building up into something useable and starting to let that feeling legitimize itself somehow though and occasionally they're my aid to sleep at night when I can't quite manage through the erratic sleep schedule. The most laughable thing I've heard in a while was some religious-type person at work ranting about some other depressive person saying "Girl, aren't you thankful for anything in this world? I tell my kids blah blah blah- World aint THAT bad, blah blah blah. You should wake up and thank god you got to wake up because some people didn't". As if dying in my sleep from some freak occurance wouldn't be a godsend to me. Like I need some excuse to shit on god without that kind of crap thrown in my direction.

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 No.28965

I realized today that being depressed is probably a more comfortable lifestyle for me than aiming for happiness and self improvement.

I know that if I tried, I could probably get out of depression. At least, I could work towards improving my current predicament, maybe create some sort of goal for myself.

But I am at a point where being apathetic towards everything and spending my life alone seems like a much safer, simpler life than risking getting screwed by people again.

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 No.29014

File: 1459077963745.png (184.64 KB,333x547,333:547,1300728344178.png)

>>28497

I have been going through a lot of the same. I recently met with a counselor and he thinks its bad enough for me to go on anti-depressants.

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 No.29052

>>29014

Well he'd be right I guess, I have to take crap for depression and axiety. At the same time I think the whole field is like 70% dicking around and it's always been handled badly. -not to scare you off of even trying it, just expect to the use of them to be a compromise and a good amount of your own judgement even after they find the best possible thing.

I recently stopped going to what I think was a therapist, maybe a counsler could provide me with just a little help instead, hell if I know. Sure not getting my hopes up. Here's hoping at least one of is gets a happy ending.

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 No.29060

Insomnia is ruining my life.

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 No.29095

Girls have shit in their ass

Fuck, now I know

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 No.29098

>>29095

so do boys, anon.

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 No.29108

I feel like shit and no one cares.

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 No.29109

File: 1459206398813.jpg (107.61 KB,1520x1080,38:27,1397594944187.jpg)

I thought about posting in the blog thread, but it seems like it's mostly positive over there , at least as of late, so here I am.

I'm just tired all the fucking time. I just had a birthday last month, but no one remembered it. I bring that up because one of my coworkers, who controls the employee records, noticed today and asked why I didn't have a cake or something in the breakroom.

I used to drink to have a good time, I remember that, but now, I drink just to not have a bad time. I used to say "I like being drunk because it's the only time I don't hate myself", but that's not even true any more. I still say it.

I'd like to talk about how sad I am, how heavy my chest always feels, but there's no one I can tell. I used to have a therapist, but insurance ran out. I should be medicated, but it's just so damn expensive.

"Happy pills" rot the mind anyway. They make you spend every day in a moderately positive haze. You don't feel sad any more, but you can't feel happy either. you're just locked, there at 60%. I tell myself that I prefer it like this, that I would hate seeing myself in that state of stupor. I think I'm lying.

I tell myself how awful my stint at the mental hospital was, but I think I'm lying there, too.

I tell myself I hate the sight of blood and the taste of gunmetal, but the only thing that keeps me around here most of the time is that I'd feel guilty making someone else clean that mess up. Last thing I want to do is make someone else have to repaint.

sage, because there are more important posts that deserve their spot on the front page. I'm just using up my ration of oxygen and ten-square-foot allotment of space, not doing anything good with it.

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 No.29124

>>29109

Were they legit asking why there was no cake or was that a joke?

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 No.29170

>>29124

think it might have been a joke, I dunno. Either way, it hurt a little.

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 No.29180

File: 1459281468805.jpg (172.07 KB,1141x1069,1141:1069,HAPPINESS EATER.jpg)

>>29052

I have been on anti-depressants before, and it wasn't very pretty. Though I'm probably worse off now than I was then. I have decided I'm going to start them, but try to get off of them as fast as possible.

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 No.29207

>>29109

If you want to get the meds and can manage to get a prescription written up (I know that must be tough with whatever situation you have with your insurance) I would recommend getting a coupon from a site called GoodRX. Dunno how it works but I've tried it and the copay gets lowered to a reasonable cost. Even if that info were to help you I'm sure the alcohol screws things up further though.

Why do you believe you're lying about the stupor or the mental hospital might I ask? I sure know what it's like to be unsure of how you feel (plus what's good and what's bad) but it's been that way just as I've been with my meds (with the many variations over the years). Often I feel like I'd like to just fall into a sad mess again but I know it isn't that simple, none of it is. I guess even if we knew the answers it wouldn't matter but you just want that much right?

Really is rough that life is so cruel and unmanageable and then dying has to be too.

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 No.29208

>>29180

What happened? -and are you trying to get off fast again because of fear of that brain rotting away you mentioned? I'm sure you know they can't be used with a ton of freedom or even you out for just small terms.

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 No.29209

You want mope? Here you go:

Why am I here? Why am I sitting here staring at a glowing rectangle? It's my day off. What am I doing? Mindlessly browsing pointless waste of time sites. Not even doing anything "bigger" like looking for new bands or pirating TV shows or chatting.

I only get two days off a week. And I've been here for five hours, after sleeping in for almost 4.

I could be doing dishes, taking out the trash, sweeping and mopping the floor and scrubbing the walls, cleaning up my apartment a bit.

I could be out grocery shopping then cooking next week's meals.

I could be working out using the $400 of home exercise equipment I made a big brouhaha over not long ago.

Hell even if I'm not going to pull away from the glowing rectangle I could be reading through those hundreds of "learn how to draw" e-books I pirated years ago. They've just been sitting there collecting digital dust, unopened.

I could be learning Japanese using the hundreds of pirated e-books and expensive software and yadah.

I could be learning more about cool things about religion and philosophy, like listening to more Alan Watts lectures or reading the Tao Te Ching some more. I could be continuing to read Behold The Spirit: A Study In The Necessity Of Mystical Religion which I've only read maybe 5-10 pages a week for the past half year.

I could be meditating.

I could be researching how to find some sort of specialist who can finally help treat my undiagnosed mental illness(es).

I could be researching how to get a better-paying job, and stop using "my sister has a STEM degree and is exactly where she was before she went to college: unemployed" and "my mom had like 5 degrees and all the work she could find was as a bartender" as excuses, and get out of shit-job limbo.

Or at least work on a department transfer so I'm no longer on grave shift so I can hopefully take a step towards dealing with chronic insomnia.

Alternatively find some way to "be my own boss", using my ceaseless drive to create SOMETHING and get paid for it. The Oatmeal did it. Markiplier did it. Elliot Hulse did it. Tom Leykis did it. Bill Gates did it. Oprah Winfrey did it. Why can't I?

Maybe I should be focusing on how to market myself or "make friends in the industry" or whatever needs to be done since the dozens of times I tried to write (even reading at least half a dozen "how to be a good writer" instruction manuals beforehand) or make some other sort of art has gotten me no attention whatsoever. "Write and they will come" has been the biggest lie to me.

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 No.29211

>>29209 (continued)

"Just do what you like!" Yeah, no. Going through all the trouble of making some stupid utub video or whatever is the difference between sex and masturbation: you look at your proud creation, heady in feelings of accomplishment and satisfaction… but then you look at the spunk in your hand, look at how your baby still hasn't gotten more than 100 views in 2 years, realize no one was there to enjoy it with you, and get horribly depressed and "why did I even bother?" when I already know the answer is simple expedient dealing with an unignorable urge by whacking the feelings away and feeling terribly lonely afterwards.

And yet, here I am, letting life pass me by as I have done for over 30 years, staring into a glowing rectangle. Just letting my apartment continue to stink of piss and rotting plant matter because I can't summon up the wherewithal to grab the trash bag and walk 15 steps out my door to the garbage chute.

What should I do? Blame the glowing rectangle for being my escape from the pain of never growing up knowing teenage love? Shall I, right now, grab my $3000 computer and chuck it out my second-story window, then grab a hammer and smash my $350 phone?

Objectively speaking my life isn't so bad. Hell it's not bad at all; that I have a $3000 computer alone (…thanking my grandma for the inheritance would feel as wrong as, "thanks for dying, beloved gone family member!") should indicate this. But contemplating this results in a feedback loop because I feel bad about feeling bad about feeling bad about feeling bad…

That I have wasted multiple windfalls on stupid shit has… well, at least I'm now better prepared should I ever win the lottery or a slot machine jackpot.

Why, then, do I feel so bad? Why do I feel so depressed all the time? Why does life feel so meaningless? Why do I feel so meaningless? That my existence is just a waste? Why can't I just get off my ass and do something with my life? With all the gifts that have landed in my lap that most people would kill for?

What am I so afraid of? Is it fear, or am I just lazy? Is it both, neither? Who knows? Does it matter?

"You just need to get laid!" Heh. I've actually read The Game and Rules Of The Game twice each, I've listened to Leykis 101; I could go out there right now and practice completely cutthroat dating shit, tricking gold-diggers and manipulating poor girls just looking for love by being an asshole player, and other self-serving misogynistic bullshit that I read up on during my "it's not my fault, it's WOMENS' faults for not loving me for who I am!!" phase just to get my dick sucked by dumb bar whores. I could go out right now and put to perfect what I've learned. But I'll say this: the greatest advertisement against PUA and such, was learning exactly what I'd have to do, to do so. Having to lie, lie, lie to get anywhere would… just… *shudder*. Related reading: https://introvertchronicle.wordpress.com/2009/11/24/introverts-and-prostitutes

Yet considering all of this, that, and the other: here I am. Still staring into a glowing rectangle. My one true friend and greatest addiction (even moreso than junk food) my entire sheltered life. Still have shopping to do, still have an apartment to clean, still have dishes and laundry and trash to take out, still have myriad things I could be reading to expand my mind and my soul.

And what have I elected to do instead?

Browse through stupid pictures on stupid websites.

What I wouldn't do to give my life to someone far more deserving, someone who would actually do something with it instead of letting life live them, possibly make something great out of it and create beautiful art and beautiful memories in this weird, wonderful world that I have chosen to just sit and stare at through a window, like that one particularly cruel punishment the Greek gods had for someone who's name I forget: to have a banquet right in front of him, but every time he reaches for any of it, it moves just out of reach, forever wafted right in front of him, forever "just a little closer…" This is a great example of how my life feels, and the worst of it is if I COULD just try a little harder, reach just a little further…

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 No.29212

>>29211

>What I wouldn't do to give my life to someone far more deserving, someone who would actually do something with it instead of letting life live them, possibly make something great out of it and create beautiful art and beautiful memories in this weird, wonderful world that I have chosen to just sit and stare at through a window

Oh, so this is why I spend all my money on donations for drawers, musicans and sculptors I like. /kind/ teaches me a lot about myself

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 No.29217

File: 1459353679181.gif (1023.97 KB,500x354,250:177,Lain.gif)

>>29207

>Why do you believe you're lying about the stupor or the mental hospital

To make myself feel better, probably?

As much as I hated my stint in the wacko basket, life was easier and rent was cheaper. Same with the meds I suppose. I shudder to think of the pale gold fog of medicated bliss, but it can't be worse than this… and it can't be worse than booze or my last nursed addiction, oxycodone.

The same with the rest of it.

I don't know if that makes sense.

>I guess even if we knew the answers it wouldn't matter but you just want that much right?

Is it really too much to ask?

I just want to matter. Not to be a god, or a king, or a leader, or even have a spotlight. I just want someone to know my name. I'd like my funeral to be attended by more than the pastor.

I did matter once. I had a to-be-wife. She was the most beautiful thing that had ever walked this earth. We had a child. We were so young, she was scared, but I was excited. I was so happy.

The baby miscarried. two months later, she killed herself, one week after our birthdays. I was too late, I couldn't do anything but sit and watch helplessly.

I can still hear her last few breaths and those words they made when it's too quiet.

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 No.29220

>>29217

>oxycodone

I had that prescribed to me following my surgery. Had a bunch left over when I was no longer in dire agony. But I only used one then gave the rest to druggie friends because I was afraid of addiction.

Kind of regret that since I loved that opium high…

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 No.29221

>>29220

Although…

I WAS able to achieve a similar "calm-warm-sweet-shivers" sensation during the deepest meditation session I managed to achieve.

Maybe I need to try that again. If I can get a similar "high" to taking opioids just by concentrating really really hard…

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 No.29224

Is there anyone on this whole goddamn board who doesn't take meds or something? I'm 23, doing crappy degree, never had a job and living with my parents, but I don't have panic attacks and never tried to kill myself. You guys make me scared, because it makes me feel like hell is going to unfold before me and I'll go through some depression-mental hospital phases like you

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 No.29225

File: 1459366063431.gif (96.18 KB,429x650,33:50,jiwsek.gif)

>>29224

> who doesn't take meds or something

Technically I don't, if that makes you feel better?

>it makes me feel like hell is going to unfold before me

I can't speak for everyone, but I started noticing all these symptoms before 3rd grade was out. I'm 24 now.

If you don't already have suspicions, you're most likely in the clear. I believe it was Freud that said "before diagnosing yourself with depression or low self esteem, make sure not to be, in fact, simply surrounded by assholes."

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 No.29231

File: 1459375022171.jpg (22.09 KB,683x470,683:470,12729312_489831837870111_4….jpg)

>>29208

> brain rotting

Probably talking about a different anon, but I have felt that I'm slowly going insane; hopelessness, paranoid delusions etc. I was on anti-depresnets once before, but I cared about absolutley no one or anything, including my own life. Not even my Chinese cartoon lesbians could make me feel okay ;_;

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 No.29252

File: 1459423612901.png (195.41 KB,1152x756,32:21,1414.png)

>>29211

>Yet considering all of this, that, and the other: here I am. Still staring into a glowing rectangle.

browse pilled af

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 No.29262

File: 1459434489421.jpg (219.78 KB,1280x1024,5:4,bcitu_headbutt_1280x1024.jpg)

>>29252

>browse pilled

It's a tough pill to swallow!

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 No.29266

>>29224

true empathy comes from true pain friend~

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 No.29358

File: 1459494480388.jpg (344.33 KB,936x779,936:779,1443591049870.jpg)

I've recently been getting off a drug I've been reliant on, and I'm having some intense withdrawal tonight. I feel like shit.

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 No.29377

>>29358

I went through times like this. Your unconscious is a cute loli who adorably stabs you from the inside so that she gets what she wants. After half an hour of meditation on that thought, as you accept the pain of withdrawal as natural and just course of things, it becomes almost pleasurable, the same way painful cold shower can be pleasurable

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 No.29383

I had this beautiful dream.

My sister changed her personality by changing her hair and she lost her huge breast that brought her so much turmoil.

She was happy to see me and as out going as she was when she was a child, happy to watch anime with me.

A female roomate just left with her husband a few days ago and in the dream i was going to the bathroom and she was in the shower. She said before i could use the toilet "just pee in the shower here, it faster" which was a random weird and platonic shower peeing.

My sister suffers from panic attacks and i often can't talk to her because shes so fearful and anxious.

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 No.29394

All I feel now are self loathing and fear of who I am. People see my happy, eccentric exterior and think I feel great. Ever since I was in a nearly abusive relationship, I've been going downhill. I haven't done any work, this quarter I will fail at least half of my classes, and worst of all I honestly don't care. When I rarely do work, I get distracted by ADHD HELL. I can't get medicine for that, because my father was a druggie and he thinks I will be too. And worst of all, every day, I feel like I have to fight to stop myself from killing someone, myself or someone else. I always cycle from suicidal to homicidal to hypersexual. I hate it so much,I often spend hours staring at the scalpel from a stolen disection kit, wishing I had the guts or the know how to end it. I attempted suicide with razors once and my ather made fun of me for it and made me show my scars and healing cuts all over my wrists in public. And he hasnt done enough to be considered legitimately abusive, just bad judgement. I struggle with the thought that I have no real personality, I just emulate characters from fiction, intentionally or not. I have no self control. I don't know how long I can last. I dont know if i should try.

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 No.29396

File: 1459562405711.jpg (129.92 KB,894x894,1:1,tmp_30967-IMG_273921491770….JPG)

>>29394

Hell, the only reason I even get to be on here is that my parents are away..I am completely grounded otherwise. And what do I do? Go to 8chan and bitch about my problems. This is why I hate myself. I talk too much. I HATE talking but I do it and I fantasize about sewing my mouth shut. The only reason I don't is that people will open it. I want to cut out my tongue or something so I can finally stfu. I hate making friends cause I constantly move and its the worst feeling ever to lose like all your friends, and watch those who stay slowly leave you.

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 No.29401

>>29394

>I attempted suicide with razors once and my ather made fun of me for it and made me show my scars and healing cuts all over my wrists in public.

Jesus Christ, how…? What on earth situation could someone delusioned enough even find that appropriate? Sure can't blame you for wanting to kill a motherfucker. Druggie dad can go die in a bad drug trip with his ass up in the air. Where's the hypersexual part come in you think, just pent up frustration and heated feelings?

>>29396

Don't say that Friend, talking is your right and you seem well-spoken enough to at least stay friendly with others. I know it must be incredibly painful to have such problems with connecting but you at least shouldn't feel ashamed. How old are you anyway, middle/high school or college?

I really don't like my life as a useless piece of shit but I don't know how I could survive the kinds of shit like this I hear. Really the scariest thing is that I have to question whether I would. Don't take that as me encouraging suicide or something, I don't even believe you're as bad a person as you think you are.

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 No.29402

>>29217

I sure wasn't expecting that… I'm sorry for your loss. Did you lose a sense of importance from it or was that from things afterwards? Is there truly nobody who cares anymore? I didn't mean to question you wanting some sort of escape, distraction, veil or whatever you might describe these different routes, I just asked to maybe understand my own mind a little. I understand a little though, you're not being confusing. I simply don't know what I could say, I wish we all at least had a chance of coming together and trying to support eachother should we want to, I don't just wanna be some douchebag who only appears to cry at your funeral though. I dunno what the hell I'm even going on about, sorry…

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 No.29411

>>29401

I don't know, I mean like the other day, with no warning, I had the urge to give a friend who doesn't feel for me as far as I know a lapdance? And I regretted every second of it. And stuff like that makes me feel really uncomfortable even considering it, but for no reason I suddenly find myself doing it. And I hate how everything can turn me on. I wish I could be normal in all respects.

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 No.29424

>>29411

Are you a grill?

So wait, are you saying you ended up doing it or you hated just thinking about it? Do you find your friend attractive or otherwise believe these things should feel ss goid as they seem?

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 No.29431

File: 1459663798531.jpeg (105.76 KB,600x650,12:13,image.jpeg)

In my states of more condensed emptiness (look at me screwing with them words) I get to thinking there has to be a better world and death is the gateway to being free to it. -or that's what I want to be real anyway and with certain sides of me I can almost start to convince myself it's true. I don't think I could ever actually convince myself of that though and so I just wait to die. I wish I had the balls to go halfway and take absurd risks. Anything I could think of to guarantee me a death is as fanciful as something happy though, why even think about it? I wonder just how empty I can drift downwards with that kind of defeatism. I miss being a kid, I was a dipshit then too but somehow I could ignore blatant realities and things made me happy and had importances even if I constantly ran into curbs in those pleasures because I ignored responsibility. Masturbation has little effect anymore either, like there's a physical side to it even. I'm such a failure as a human specimen. That's the only reality I can believe, I'm some organic shit that got mixed together bad in a pointless world with no significant beginning or end. I wanna take it deeper than that but I have no mental ability and that's the point, we all are just here to suffer many forms of inadequacy within and around us with coping being a lottery.

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 No.29463

>>29424

No, and I actually ended up doing it. I mean he's totally gay and stuff but I don't enjoy it or want it I just end up doing it with like no reason. I'm embarassed saying it and I have anonymity.

Like I said, it's not like "I want to do this thing. I am doing the thing." It's more like when someone shows you some shocker video and you're like NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE but you can't move to turn it off so you lie there, impotent, crying because NO WAY IS THAT GLASS CUTTING HIS OH GOD NO

So I've got this mantra I repeat when I embarass myself: "Everything dies eventually." Seriously. I move constantly, so like every 8-14 months I get a fresh start.

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 No.29466

I am incapable of holding a conversation with anyone. Every time I try, the conversation just dies because I have nothing else to say.

Doesn't help that I don't have any interests or hobbies.

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 No.29467

>>29463

That sounds like some real shit to have to put yourself through. Are you conscious of any factors that let it happen? Say, does this kind of thing happen in public? Does it happen with people you're closer to? Even though you don't want to do it is there something in you mind you think these compulsions might read from?

Well remember to update your marker on that /kind/ map! Bad jokes aside that fresh start is a shit consolation prize with what you've said. You're being denied a home in so many regards, you need some kind of break.

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 No.29469

>>29467

Shoot I don't know the answers to your questions but thank you!

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 No.29470

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 No.29471

>>29470

Damn it phone.

At least you have people who listen to you long enough to run out of things to say. No one pays attention to me longer than 4-6 words.

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 No.29490

>>29471

There's a contact thread on here, so you can try talking some of those guys. i'm on there too, and I will gladly listen to you, if you can put up with my snarky remarks.

there's only one person that ever talks to me willingly, and she probably does it out of pity. I appreciate it nevertheless.

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 No.29532

File: 1459888416207.png (1.59 MB,1520x1080,38:27,1418600994736.png)

>>29402

>Did you lose a sense of importance from it or was that from things afterwards?

I poured my whole life into her, which I suppose was my first mistake, because she gave me attention and importance that no one else gave me.

I joke about it, because it makes a good joke with the right verbiage, but I wasn't really important to my family - I'm one of six kids. It's just reality that I didn't get much time with my parents, because that's just a shit ton of kids to split one's time across. I don't blame them for it, it's just how it happened. So they didn't have much time for me, so I learned how to paint myself into a corner, so they didn't have much time for me, et cetera.

Not to mention 4 divorces, one of the stepdads of which was bi-polar and abusive when he was down.

I didn't have any friends because I spent most of my formative years getting the shit kicked out of me by my assigned schoolyard bully.

I didn't exist, and I liked it that way. But then she showed up. I guess the more apt description would be "I gained my only sense of importance from her".

> Is there truly nobody who cares anymore?

I used to have cats. They kept me going because I made the commitment to them that I would be a good caretaker. The littlest one was weaned to early before I got her, so she would suckle on my ear when she was tired. That was nice. I miss them.

>I didn't mean to question…

No offense taken friend. Sorry if I come off that way.

> I wish we all at least had a chance of coming together

I appreciate the sentiment, friend. Maybe there'll be a pin near mine in the zeemap eventually. In any case, if you were to be a douchebag and show up to my funeral, just know that I have a good portion of my living will dedicated to go to whomever shows up to my funeral in a black hood and robe, stands motionless in the back of the room, and makes no noise.

That shit's funny.

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 No.29552

>>29532

I would consider it if truly nobody showed up and I had this post (printed out) on me. I feel it's a disservice though, you had at least one loved one not counting your kitties. Burials and crap are pretty expensive too I hear, couldn't take your cash.

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 No.29580

Lying in bed at 12:30 am and can't sleep. Memories of being abandoned and betrayed won't leave me alone. In the bigger picture of things, I've always been the unwanted child. The one who just is there while the favored son is given what he wants. Its not even just that, everyone around me has only ever wanted him and when I come around they hope I'm just some kind of clone and begin attacking me, usually physically. None of my teachers bothered to learn my name some even going as far to use my brothers name instead. Other students made plots to jumps me and in some cases even frame me for crimes (most notable I remember is a group I thought were my friend trying to plant cp on me). And my parents, their hypocrasy is even worse than sjw shit, saying no one cares that I'm not my brother both before and after ranting how I should've been more like him. Even when I was just 3 or 4, they left me at a daycare til the late hours of the night because they were too busy celebrating my brother's victory at a tournament.

I wonder why I was even born if they had their perfect son already. Everything combined has left me completely incapable of forming a deep connection with anyone and no skills to deal with people in any capacity. My 25th birthday is coming up and I can't bare to think about how my life turned out from all this. I don't feel love or loved and I hate that I've become this broken piece of shit.

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 No.29584

File: 1459947648957.png (277.48 KB,689x720,689:720,1421037600720.png)

>>29580

Your post made feel for 2 reasons. One being the pain of having a brother you hate and who makes your life hell. And two for feeling like the unwanted child, its likely not a good idea to say this but im speaking from the opposite side here. I was the "loved" child by my parents, just them though. My brother made sure of fucking any potential friends I could ever had and was actually more loved by people than me, thanks to him I was always the outcast, the friendgot, you know, "that kid", in the process destroying my life and self esteem. So much that in the end before my parents passing away some years ago things took a 180° turn and I was finally hated by everyone, including my parents and all my family. To them im a sort of rapist, murderer and junkie. God knows what amount of lies he told them and frankly I couldnt care less about such shite people. I understand your first years of life are crucial in the formation of your personality and beliefs, and despite what I said about being loved I turned out to be as useless and bad at relationships with people like you. Hell I havent had a real friend in almost a decade and no gf ever. Its more out of pickiness with people, having dealt with so much shit from my family made me unable to tolerate the smallest bit of BS from people. Better alone than in bad company is something I always keep in mind now. I dont know how sound of mind im in the eyes of a shrink or a psychiatrist (im probably a mild schizoid at this point), despite not feeling love or loved I kinda learnt to deal with it, to appreciate the small things of this shit life and have fun with what I have. I dont know why im really writing this, I know its silly to expect helping a person in despair like you with a short and useless post like this but I'll try anyway and hope you can take something from my words. There are multiple things that made me feel better despite the circumstances and solitude, part of it was realizing how quick life goes through our eyes after my moms death, it really is a fucking blink (I still feel its 2012 for some reason) and so I understood how the least I could do was either trying not to feel this way or plain and simply kill myself. Im sorry if it sounds silly. Another part was realizing how I had power to end it all should things become truly insurmountable, Ive had a nitrogen tank with its corresponding hood in my closet for years and I know of many other ways for ending my days, just in case. Somehow this realization made me believe that nothing was really as bad as it seems and helped me get out of my comfort zone, whats the worse that could happen? I go insane, lose my job and die. So what? Death isnt bad after all, its literally like going to sleep. And nothing fucking matters as much as you think, takikg life less seriously makes me a manchild in the eyes of society but so what? whose fucking consciousness is this? thats right. Next factor was drugs, I hold the belief we are nothing more than a product of a process which takes place in the brain, nothing keeps us from tinkering with it in hopes of an improved product, so I did lsd, shrooms, coke, heroin and weed, of all those I think lsd was the most benefical and long lasting because it changed my perception of reality. The ego, this thing we call I felt like a mere illusion chained to our memories and sense of identity. Without those it was like being reborn and learning to enjoy again, free of your traumas and letting whatever entity that comes closest to your true self come to life. Probably doesnt make sense but I advice you to try this not once but many times. Last thing is philosophy (thanks mom for making an inquisitive mind out of me instead of letting me become a drooling, tv addicted consumerist retard like dad), you have plenty of choice here and although I have only once tried theraphy when I was a kid I think this has the potential to improve your life more than most therapists can. I really like Nietzsches übermench concept, admitedly I dont and cant follow it faithfully (im not even sure if I fully understand it) but I think its a sort of great guide for people like us.

ahh I wrote a bunch of nonsense, whatever im posting it because it took 60 minutes from my life and why the fug not? its cathartic

please excuse any mispellings and my odd writing manners, english is my 2nd language

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 No.29585

>>29584

>>29580

Forgot to say fuck your parents and brother, anon. Theyre not worth shit if they treat you like that.

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 No.29592

>>29552

And she's gone now, so you best show up, or I will haunt you for all eternity from beyond the grave.

I will make really irritating sounds from your attic for the rest of your days. Not, like, irritating enough to go investigate or do something about, just irritating enough to bug and distract you when you're trying to do other things, sort of like a leaky faucet that keeps you up at night.

>>29584

Your English is great, friend. Very well-said.

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 No.29595

File: 1459963844704.gif (987.54 KB,500x281,500:281,sad anime girl.gif)

I feel terribly scared of the future, I'm still in Higschool and always dreamed of getting a good job, becoming someone great, maybe famous.

But even if I get good grades, I still know that I forget most of the stuff that I have learned, even if I try to learn everyday. I fear that I will just fail because even if I try, I cannot work hard enough.

I feel like I'm destined to become a complete failure that will disappoint my family and spend the rest of his days leeching off others or working in a way that I hate.

I feel like I'm good at learning and writing, but I also sometimes feel like I'm not good enough to actually fulfill any of my dreams.

No matter how much I try to improve, I feel like I'm too weak to actually do something significant. Sometimes I feel proud of my accomplishments, but then I see people that do it a thousand times better. I want to become a doctor, or a scientist but when I actually see people who accomplished that, I see that everyone who did it is far better than me at learning. I want to write, and I want to write good, but then I see how shit I'm compared to other people.

I really feel like I'm not that good at things that I think I am good at, but those things are the only thing I have. I'm only any good at learning and writing, I'm a social retard and am simply unable to talk to people.I can do something stupid or childish in public because I did not thing about what I'm doing or just panicked. No matter who I talk to, I feel that even if they seem to be nice to me, they also seem to be laughing at me, thinking of me like a retard because I cannot act properly around people. I feel like I'm a subject of jokes. I probably do dumb shit without even noticing. I once did a stupid thing in a joke once, and then realized that everyone took it completely seriously, urging me to do it again so they can laugh at it, thinking that I was that retarded. I just don't understand how to act around people to make friends or at least talk to them without them thinking that I'm a retard. What is worse, is that nobody seems to be interested in the same subjects that I'm interested in, or they just have a very shallow understanding of the topic. I even thought that maybe I should start getting into more social activities like partying or sports, but not only I do not enjoy them, I feel a horrible disgust towards them. I do not want to fall into feelings of superiority towards others though I sometimes do, because I think that I'm really no better than them. No matter how much I would scream at the "normalfriends", it would not change the fact that I myself am not a great person.

I feel like nobody could ever truly love me, and only very few people that I met on the internet/are a part of my family/I meet long time ago I consider friends.

I feel scared, it's improbable that I will ever get a girlfriend, and if I fail at my dreams, I will have nothing to dedicate myself to. I am already walking on a very thin line, and if I lose it, there will be nothing left for me.

And even then, I feel like a fucking twat for complaining, as I know people that have it much harder than me. I have a loving family, I have a pretty good life, but I fear that I might lose it and eventually become nothing more than a problem to my parents, and I really don't want that.

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 No.29596

>>28201

Toothache fucking sucks. It HURTS. I got like 3-4 hours sleep last night because it wouldn't stop hurting until the painkillers kicked in.

It only really hurts when I lie down.

I tried to waggle it out, that only made it hurt more. I can't find where it's meant to go back in properly. Can only take one kind of painkillers for it as well; the other sort make me unable to walk the next day.

I've got a dentist appointment for it. In a fucking week. IT HURTS NOW DAMMIT.

Also, headache from glasses being out of date. Had an optician's appointment today, but they cancelled on me citing staff sickness. Rescheduled to next fucking week as well.

Looks like the next week will be painkillers to get some sort of sleep, and energy drinks to stay awake due to the lack of it. Fun.

Dosage says every four hours, though, so I can just keep the packet by my bed and check the time before taking more. Just gotta hope I don't sleep through my alarm again.

I think that tooth is gonna have to go. I'm already missing two on that side, dammit.

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 No.29605

>>29596

Only a matter of time before before I get serious dental problems, I only brush once a day and even then I always skip days. I may not care about my life but you'd think I would be smart enough to get off my ass to prevent your brand of suffering.

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 No.29612

File: 1460005639107.gif (261.38 KB,640x360,16:9,1444930163168.gif)

I'm currently writing an article about the connection between emotional trauma, and sexual deviancy. I'm using myself as an example, and recounting my childhood is fucking heartbreaking. I don't wanna feel these feels.

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 No.29613

File: 1460008422899.jpg (322 KB,864x864,1:1,1459669601421.jpg)

>>29612

Interesting. What can you tell me about reluctance to intimate behaviour and disgust towards masturbation? Where does this stem from other than low test? Im on my 4th week of non intentional no fap.

Also what does it mean when im talking with someone and they say something that gets to me in an emotional level and a diamond boner pops? Like "I care about you"

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 No.29625

>>29612

Interesting. I assume your thesis focuses on the positive correlation between the two?

What is the article for? Why are you writing it?

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 No.29633

well… lets start the beginning

im depressed as fuck. not suicidal, just sad, mopey and meloncholy all the time. my parents can see im not happy, yet them trying to help is

them suggesting to send me off to a boarding school. yeah, the guy with little to no friends and is socially inept being ripped away from all he has

in his social life and plopped down in some place where he doesnt know any-fucking-one? yeah, wonderful idea. ;-; the only relationships ive had with

grills have failed horribily or ive just fucked them up. the only time im 'happy' is when im under the influence of a chemical. whether its dmt, thc or dopamine,

thats what only seems to get me happy… but for a short time though. music releases dopamine from the brain, but that amount only lets me actually live correctly.

anything i do, whether its typing this out or working on homework, i need something to listen to so i can actually focus and not feel like shit all the time. not

to mention, but im alone love and relationship-wise… i kinda opened up about that on an online forum, but some friendgot fucking made fun of me about it. i dont really wanna talk about that…

the only friends i have are a couple (3) irl friends and a handfull of online ones. i even made a skype group to talk to more people and get new friends, which has worked.

im just lonely and depressed /kind/… ;-;

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 No.29639

>>29595

To start off, you are not alone. I feel the same, and I've lost half a decade of my life due to this bullshit. Have a hug, friend.

Now, first things first, what are your hobbies? Magic can be picked up for some 100 dollars to play in paper, and is an amazing way to make some friends. It also appeals to most people who would be posting here. Another option is tabletop and RPG groups. Boardgames are easier because you do not really need to be that good in role playing like, obviously, RPG, but roleplaying is a natural progression.

What I urge you to do is to just set yourself a goal. ONE goal. Does not need to be an enormous goal, something as simple as "I'm writing X words a day, whatever the subject". Get yourself a calendar and a marker and just mark when you complete the task for the day, soon just looking at the huge streak of productivity will motivate you, until it turns into a habit. Rinse and repeat. For me it is currently learning X Japanese kanji a day and not skipping my psychiatrist. Then, hit the gym with my live-in cousin and sister. Once I get myself a job, Magic at least once every two weeks. If you need someone to talk to and to motivate and push you, hit me up, I am absolutely willing to help.

Best of luck, friend. I hope for the best, you deserve it.

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 No.29691

>>29605

Make it part of your routine.

Personally, I brush at least once daily. This pain is due to an old injury; a couple of bike accidents cracked a metal filling and caused issues, along with the constant stabbing of my jaw from the shattered molar.

I was an idiot as a teenager.

Recently, the tooth that's now hurting got shaken loose at a gig. It settled down again, then got shaken loose at ANOTHER one.

I have now run out of chocolate milk. That was instant pain relief that lasted half an hour. Gonna try regular milk with it tonight so I can sleep; use it to wash down painkillers so I get a nice cushioned pain relief, long enough to sleep.

I'm so fucking tired. I tried to nap, and it started hurting before I dozed off. And the sleep shortage means aches from work built up over the last few days.

I'm super out of shape. I've GOT to hit the exercise again this year, or I'll get fat.

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 No.29695

>>29595

I identify with very much of what you're saying except I'm almost 25 with a shitty job and my capacity for learning and remembering things is abysmal. First thing I wanna say to you though is do not give a damn about comparing your fortunes to others. Your problems are yours and that's why they're important and a priority. The way you tell it it sounds like you're capable enough to learn skills or info to help you land a moderately good path depending on what's acceptable to you.

If you have any belief that there's something you can create that is special from you then embrace that. Having the heart of an artist but lacking skill is tough shit I know but hardly anything you like you would consider without flaw right? If you think you're good at learning and writing then maybe focus on keeping your reader's interest by throwing fun details in left and right and take on an edu-taining ride (in all seriousness writing for children even could very well be fulfilling, I sure like that stuff still). Also I've never been one for science (or anything remotely complicated) but you don't gotta be a super whiz to help the developing world around you or see cool new things right?

That all is basically just encouragement to dream but maybe you should elaborate why you feel so doomed to fail and disapoint. What actually is seems to be in your way for a career you think, just the super pressure of higher learning?

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 No.29724

Since I'm not good at a damn thing and nothing makes me happy anymore I'm just waiting to die. When I pretty easilly get really bummed I get tired and want to get some sweet sleep but taking naps almost always makes me feel sick. I wish they'd legalize marijuana already so I could be a pothead and giggle and gape the rest of it away (too pussy to get it myself and no friends to ask). Seriously, this world can suck some major dick when pleasant things that make easy money are prevented just to protect old things that are harder to maintain and fuck us ever harder.

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 No.29730

>>29724

Do you and similar people on this board here, have history of drug use or something like that? Because I'm 24 and I pretty much stimulated myself away with the Internet entertainment all life. Yet by some miracle I still feel okay.

I have no future because I have no skills and it's possible I will become homeless in my 30s, but right now my dopamine circuits must be somewhat fine because I enjoy things normally. Watching game streams, searching for new songs, listening to songs, eating (healthy) food, browsing the Internet, memes. All these things make me feel life is great. And I talk with another person face to face for 5 hours a week on average. What did you guys do in your life that you're all so depressed and fucked up. I feel like I should know because I'm either steadily heading there, or I'm doing something differently than you, and it's something I'm doing right.

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 No.29736

>>29730

No history of drug use and have never smoked or had a significant amount of alcohol. I've always struggled with depression with significant mental disorder and such leaving me with no real reason to protect my self-esteem. If you're suggesting some substance broke me that's probably very well the case but I chalk that up to whatever widespread neglect to populace there is rather than an illicit substance.

What I can gather that is different between at least you and me is that you like people and I don't (though very largely self-loathing). Putting aside that you don't appear to be medically depressive like me you also have the ego to enjoy things (like, say, you don't hate yourself for not being good enough at something even pointless like a video game). As far as my surroundings influencing me I can't say I live a great life but certainly fortunate enough I should be able to power through it and make my own happiness if I were of a capable person in my own right.

It just comes down to me not wanting to have been born and slowly realizing it more and more really.

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 No.29750

I'm desperate for love and affection. My family used to abuse me and neglect me and I managed to get out, but now I'm horribly attention seeking and clingy. I need someone with me constantly and I need praise otherwise I'm useless. I desperately want other people to be happy so that they'll like me. I can't even be mean anonymously. I found out that a friend of mine makes hateful comments and it's making me insecure but I don't want to give her up for a friend because people I've managed to be friends with eventually leave me or forget me.

Even when I was in the hospital with a leukemia scare, not one of them came to see me or cared, they made excuses.. I feel like it's too late for me to make new friends because of how alone I am. I genuinely feel like if I died, no one would really care or be unhappy. Not that I want them to be unhappy, but I really wish someone would just hang out with me and watch movies and do hobbies together.

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 No.29863

>>29730

No, no history of subsance use/abuse. I just hate my life, and they'd only make it worse.

>>29736

I can relate to you, friend.

>hate myself for being bad at stupid things like video games, and not able to enjoy them because I'm so bad

in addition to

>feeling guilt over wasting time consuming media

>also guilt for eating and wasting precious resources in general, but I stuff myself because fullness is comforting

>spending my worthless time trying to do productive things, but in the end it's futile because I'm not capable of anything

>fail at things but continue attempting them half-heartedly because if I know I can't complete them, and if I fail I'm correct about it all

I'm a broken person, and I wish I hadn't been born. I'm a waste of resources. Please, someone else should be in my program at uni, someone else would train this body, someone else would make something of this mind. Someone else might actually be capable of happiness. By existing, I am taking away opportunities away from people who deserve them more than I do.

I am literally physically broken. My parents had me circumcised at birth. Others may not have a problem, and some may even prefer it that way, but I am deeply and incredibly hurt by it. It's an outward sign to remind me of the fate I'm destined to live out. I am doomed to long for things that I am not capable of feeling, both physically and emotionally.

I don't have any friends. People aren't allowed to like me. I'm /kind/ to a fault to people, often at my own expense, because they're more worthy of life than I am. I gave a homeless man $40 before, I figured that he'd atleast enjoy the drugs/alcohol he'd use it on. I could go without groceries for the week.

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 No.29864

>>29863

If you're so kind to a fault there's so uses there.~

In all seriousness why is it that you feel people "aren't allowed to like you"? -because you push them away with negativity? -because you don't feel you have peers or a place in the world?

Circumcision depression seems more widespread than you'd think.

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 No.29865

>>29863

>>29736

Anon who asked whether you had history of drug use here.

I can relate to your mindset, but only at times. There are periods of time when I feel exactly like you, but it's never too long. Something changes in my perception eventually. For example, the realization I have a free month. The idea that I can NEET for a whole month comes with a deep sense of appreciation for the world. I'm so grateful and happy that I experience burst of positivity and/or productivity or at least comfortable indifference.

I suspect I'm even more or just as useless in life and bad at games etc. as you, but chemicals in my brain are different, and therefore I'm not depressed as often/as much.

Another trigger that makes me feel down the next day is masturbation. I think it's somewhat fair: I either have very slight good feel buzz the whole day, or feel really great for 10 minutes.

I just wanted to say that I really respect your struggles.My mood fluctuates like that and I'm extremely prone to being pushed by some chemical changes. It's also the reason why I talk about all of this, I try to understand it because I'm absolutely horrified of depression. I avoid unhealthy things and always sleep 8 hours no matter what because I believe depression is the worst thing that can happen to a human. It's where my respect for your struggle comes from. If I ever happen to have more money than the little I need for rent and food, I'll spend it on some fund to help research depression

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 No.29866

File: 1460841686168.jpeg (158.13 KB,818x728,409:364,image.jpeg)

>>29865

I'd rather you gave me my weed.

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 No.29867

>>29863 same friend

>>29864

I tend to act like I'm perfect around others, so they don't get to see that I have issues. I end up pushing people away so they don't find the real me underneath.

I do have peers they're all just so different than me. I feel like a child around them in any scenario.

thanks friend. I can't share stuff like that in person

>>29865

I don't have the luxury of such freedoms. My program in uni has me in class all year round in addition to taking a heavier course load than normal because I did nothing in HSwith a week's break between terms. That week always stresses me because I'll usually have things to prepare for the next clases.

I agree that perception can help. I'll have fleeting feelings that it'll be alright, but they don't last long once the dread begins to set in.

Masturbation is alright. I've found my drive decreasing because I think too much about my condition and I let it turn me off. I think I'm more productive when waiting until the weekend or late at night before bed.

I'd like to be healthy, and I think it would help, but I've got no drive to do it. I wish I wasn't such a glutton in the past so I'd have a better platform to start from.

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 No.29894

File: 1460986352960.jpg (835.29 KB,986x1000,493:500,1445664663170-4.jpg)

I lost another friend because I'm still a little fucked in the head. The only way I can improve is through self-awareness. I'll work towards achieving a more consistent state of self-awareness.

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 No.30133

[spoiler]thanks friend for giving a fuck about my troubles. let's hope someone replies to mine this time.

[/spoiler]

im lonely. and depressed. and anxious and paranoid and a handful of other mental fuck ups. my ADD fucks around with my schoolwork, which makes me feel like shit when i can't concentrate on easy homework. im not stupid, i can figure out problems (when its enjoyable or i get something out of it) by myself. my dropping grades and stacking tower of homework definitely doesn't help with my depression or anxiety. not to mention when your siblings catch ear and call you a 'worthless degenerate' that really doesn't make you feel great either. i started the /kind/ skype group with the idea of meeting new friends, which has worked, but i still feel empty and lonely inside. recently i made a judgement and kicked a user for a day, creating a fuck ton of backlash. that pretty fucking hurt. it wasn't the 'fuck you maiki he should have stayed' that hurt, it was the fucking paragraph and a half from an irl friend in there saying that he didn't trust my judgement and wanted to go off and create his own group with him in charge. i don't have much really. i have the skype group, my laptop and a handful of irl friends. so when one of those becomes at risk of being taken away from me, i just feel like wanting to run off or crawl into a hole.

i feel worthless, lonely and not cared

about much.

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 No.30190

File: 1461906112210.jpg (25.44 KB,500x500,1:1,12039302_690068437796154_5….jpg)

>>30133

Apologize to everyone, that lets your friends know you care about them and what they feel

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 No.30191

File: 1461907980009.jpg (26.15 KB,704x400,44:25,1440787190256-2.jpg)

>>28227

Not trying to bully or anything, but I'm a little confused about something I see often on this board. Why do certain types of people say "I don't care about myself!" or "I don't care about anything!", and then go on to write wall of text about themselves while asking for help (I get why someone without this attitude would seek help here). I've seen many cases irl and online where it goes beyond the boarder of self-obsession. It seems too inconsistent to not be a lie or confusion on their part. Why bother writing novels about someone you don't care about?

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 No.30195

File: 1461933396694.jpg (53.5 KB,500x537,500:537,1452418209533.jpg)

>Take dexamphetamine for ADHD.

>Get extremely anxious.

Fuck. I try other meds and I still get anxious. SSRI medication sucks too.

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 No.30198

File: 1461947652519.jpg (228.55 KB,1280x1024,5:4,1397532676729.jpg)

>>30191

I can't speak for everyone, but I might shed a little bit of light on it; for reference's sake, depending on which therapist you talk to, I'm either manic depressive or bipolar.

The histrionics of "I don't care" aren't insincere. I, for example, couldn't give a shit if I ate a bullet tonight. I won't because I have commitments tomorrow I need to be around for, but I'm not worrying about my well-being in the least.

I say "I don't care" and then write a WALLOFTEXT, partially because it helps to talk, but also in part because I'm aware I'm crazy, or "wrong" or what have you, for feeling that way. So I'm stating a subjective fact, but moving forward objectively, if that makes sense. And if there were anything that could make insanity worse, it's being consciously aware of it.

Also, as far as "asking for help" goes, the best way I could describe it is: "Not wanting to live" is not the same as "wanting to die". If I could curl up in a blanket and not have to deal with reality and sort myself out, then just come back a week later and pick up where I left off, I would. It's not that I want to off myself, it's that I want to not have to deal with the shit going on in my brain any more.

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 No.30204

Alright, here goes.

My gf of 5 years is now extremely distant to me and we rarely talk. We managed to avoid breaking up just barely, and still technically are together now. It really doesn't feel like it. We used to talk every day, and try to be cute with one another, nowadays I'm lucky to get generic conversation and have to press to get any sort of affection, so it feels forced as fuck everytime.

Worst part is this happened after coming home from being with her for 2 months. Go figure.

I've been living with constant anxiety since the spat, and all through this is killing me. Some days I want to just break down and cry, other days I don't care, some is mixed between both. Have had to leave work and return home in some instances to save myself not just slumping aside and crying. Said spat was 3+ months ago, and it's still killing me. I don't know what to do anymore, and can't muster enjoyment out of anything, everything is just something 'to keep my mind off thinking about it all' rather than for my own happiness.

Don't have anything really in the way of friends either, and am extremely inept/anxious to fuck in social situations, so means new friends are extremely rare to come by. Just work, come home, play videogames blankly, go to sleep. Rinse and repeat. Have projects I make up here and there because they seem interesting, but eventually finish and drop them soon after.

For note, we were meant to be married and live together by now. Had a whole life planned and it all went to shit.

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 No.30205

>>30191

They're obviously lying, there's hope though as some will eventually actually stop giving a fuck after realizing it does nothing after you vent enough times. After that they either shut up and accept it or slowly towards improvement. Those who don't get past this stage are the dumbest ones, im thinking of /r9k/ right now.

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 No.30207

>>28201

>>28203

There is an intrinsic meaning to life and it is to propagate the species.

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 No.30209

>>30207

Well sure but putting aside how in a strictly nature-oriented sense our species was a mistake (unless nature's plan was for us to destroy the world anyway) this life by such cheap value and rules is no way to live for weak people (or most strong people even). I don't expect anything good at all to come of seeing it all through but as I wait it out with my idiot genes I hope beyond hope that I get to go to a cooler world as a prettier identity (but not like any crappy religion I've heard of).

>>30191

Maybe I don't so much know that feeling of supreme apathy or whatever you envision for that statement/concept but I think there's a good number of facets or variables to it I think. Using the example of not exercising to better your appearance it's easy to not think it's important or that it's meaningless because of how you accept your appearance or a lack of appreciation for the game of physical attraction. Putting aside no motivation to make your body better life in modern society is already an amazing grind and who has the patience? Beyond any kind of reasoning, stubborn emotions or a lack of energy you're asking "Do people literally not care about what they say they do?" and "Of you don't care about something then why keep talking about that subject?" right? I think it's probably rare to reach a state you remove it as a factor you appreciate but to lack something is a problem in itself which is provides that separate issue. Taking it not so literally it would be much the same thing except instead it's an extreme defeated feeling or a clashing of importances and non-importances leaving you empty of just upset. I guess.

People just wanna dump their feelings and discomforts, I ended up starting this thread because of it.

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 No.30210

>>30209

Shit, sorry for the typos. It's hard to check my writing like this.

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 No.30213

>>30133

> not to mention when your siblings catch ear and call you a 'worthless degenerate' that really doesn't make you feel great either

Wow you've got some shithead siblings Maiki. As for your problem with your friend (pretty surprised to hear a friend you know face-to-face wants to talk via a /kind/ thing by the way) he sounds a a good deal shitty too for trying to divide people against and away from you, taking something obviously of some importance to you and being harsh about your judgement for one mistake. Here's hoping you can smooth things over.

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 No.30246

I need legitimate psychological help, I've been having awful thoughts that, on retrospect, and so fucking harmful to myself but I can't stop myself from thinking them. I strike myself with the palm of my wrist until my forehead goes red when I get stressed, and I get stressed extremely easily. I have an easy job but sometimes I still have panic attacks while I'm there. My body constantly feels aches and pains, I never feel relaxed anymore because I constantly hurt. I have extremely low self-esteem and hate literally every aspect of myself and the things I do but I don't want to kill myself because I don't want to put my family through the trouble of dealing with my death. I'm just a parasite, a burden on society, and as much as I want to change I don't know if I can, I don't think I'm strong enough, I don't think I'm a good enough person to ever be able to be anything but what I am – a pathetic, disgusting, insult to the very act of living.

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 No.30282

File: 1462226637036.jpg (57.38 KB,736x736,1:1,786126253b6bbb9dfc192b1383….jpg)

Here as of late I’ve been going through a sort of inner moral conundrum. Recently I’ve become involved with a gay relationship online, and even if our interactions are only through the screen, he’s become one of the most important things in my life, and is a key component in helping me get through each and every day. Despite this though, I’ve started to develop an odd sense of shame from this relationship. Not because of him specifically, but because of my sexuality as a whole. I suppose I’m technically bi, but I feel so far removed from the opposite gender that I could never imagine myself in a healthy relationship with them, so I may as well be gay. And I suppose because of this I can’t help but feel like a broken amoral specimen. I absolutely despise what is referred to as “gay culture” and find a lot of their actions to be a narcissistic cry for attention, and a shameful display of the human condition. I try to separate myself from them, and really, pretty much already have on all accounts. Regardless I am unable to convince myself that I am mentally different, and often wonder if my current condition really is much better than that of the ones I’ve come to look down upon.

My family, or at the very least my mother and sister, are very supporting of gays. Although my dad isn’t so open armed to the concept to gays as they are. I’ve discussed it with him as a sort of “hey, what if I was this?” kind of scenario. And he said that he would still love me, but deep inside himself he would be unable to ever see it as anything other than wrong. And I’m ok with this. I have no qualms with his outlook. But seeing all of this lined up, and considering I was raised primarily by my single mother and to a lesser extent my older sister, I can’t help but wonder if being brought up with such feminine caretakers has somehow “corrupted” me to an extent. I love crossdressing, collecting dolls, stashing frilly pictures of various anime girls ect. And only just now has the possibility of all of this being “wrong” crossed into my head.

I’m not at all religious. So it isn’t like I fear any sort of dire consequences such as burning in hell for all eternity. But looking at myself and how weak and liberal America has become, I’ve seemed to have come to the conclusion that I’m part of the problem that is slowly killing my home country. And it’s this that I believe is tearing me up on the inside.

I no longer am able to enjoy the things I’ve already listed, and although my love for my boyfriend is still true, I can’t help but feel a tad sick when concepts such as anal sex are brought to the table. Honestly if the most we ever did was cuddle and just tried to help support each other emotionally, I’d be completely content with a sexless relationship such as that. But that would be undeniably unfair to him.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just overthinking it all. But whatever I guess. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and finally see the light. Whatever that could manifest itself as.

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 No.30292

File: 1462233499096.png (743.51 KB,833x649,833:649,1461646498493.png)

>>30282

It's very strange to see someone who is struggling with the exact same problems I am. In the end, I think I'll just keep the relationship platonic because sex is repulsive (especially gay sex), I'm absolutely sure the relationship would work as it has for the last 8 months, and I've never had any qualms about being selfish, though I do worry about hurting him, but that just mean I'll just have to work harder to make him happy in other ways. After all, sex isn't everything. I'm going to meet him for the first time in about a week from now. Hope things go well.

>I can’t help but wonder if being brought up with such feminine caretakers has somehow “corrupted” me to an extent

There may be some truth to this. I was also raised by women.

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 No.30295

File: 1462241041646.jpg (46.03 KB,500x714,250:357,1461365673478.jpg)

>>30282

>>30292

>tfw no cute online bf

You guys are making me jealous.

>I can’t help but wonder if being brought up with such feminine caretakers has somehow “corrupted” me to an extent

>There may be some truth to this. I was also raised by women.

Same here.

In fact, two of the cousins I was raised with and still live alongside are gay. My dad died when I was months old and my only masculine influence was my Uncle, the father of these two cousins I mentioned, who died when I was not even 10. I was pretty much raised only by my mom, grandma and aunt.

Still, while I believe upbringing defines the way people are, some things just "are". Specially things such as sexual preferences and fetishes. I distinctly remember getting little stiffies and super excited when I was a little kid, before even being able to understand what "gay" was, when seeing crossdressers and transsexuals, or even better, girls wearing super exotic, frilly and cute clothes and getting excited not at the girls wearing them but at the thought of myself wearing the clothes the pretty ladies were wearing while watching TV or movies.

It's something I'm sure I've always had with me. It's probably different for everyone.

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 No.30297

File: 1462248925130.jpg (113.75 KB,600x842,300:421,1437111804282-3.jpg)

>>30295

>>tfw no cute online bf

It's nothing to be jealous of, really. Relationships are burdens that only become more burdensome as time goes on. You lose so much freedom, and time. Every little thing you do or don't do could end up hurting your partner deeply, and the chances of hurting them increase daily as the two of you grow closer (the hedgehog's dilemma). The blissful feeling of love you once enjoyed slowly wanes in time to the point that only the words "I love you" can bring them back, and even then that begins to fade (diminishing returns). I'm starting to think short, and sweet relationships are the way to go.

Sorry, I'm just using your words as a springboard.

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 No.30310

File: 1462301756069.jpg (326 KB,1006x887,1006:887,1436673360980.jpg)

>>30295

>you guys are making me jealous

It can really be something special, but relationships like this I can't help but feel get put on a bit of a pedestal sometimes. You have to be especially careful with online ones because without any sort of physical contact, there really has to be something genuinely there for it to work. We both found each other at vulnerable moments in our lives, so we've recently started to really take it slow to make sure what we share isn't just some short term infatuation. Although on the same token, a reason I really like these online romances, disregarding the fact they make me feel like a broken specimen because of my inability to connect with others in real life, is because any sort of attraction is based on around a love for them as a person rather than any sort of immediate physical lust. I may be alone on this, but I feel that simply being nice to talk to and genuinely caring can be way more attractive than a nice pair of tits or a huge cock and chiseled abs.

>while I believe upbringing defines the way people are, some things just "are"

I still agree with this. A lot of my current fetishes I can recall having dreams about long before adolescences or any sort of puberty. Although, even if it’s simply how I just am, I still can’t help but feel what I am is wrong. I think a lot about this at work and what not, and what I feel is the case is that it isn’t the fetish or the sexual orientation per say, but more so the individual and how they carry it. My gripe with a lot of gays is that they seem to have no sense of boundaries. From the ones I’ve personally encountered besides myself, they always seem to make their sexuality such a huge part of their entire being and personality. I try to not be judgmental towards others, but if the only major defining trait you possess is your sexual orientation, then I can’t help but feel like there really isn’t much there to you as a person. I believe such things should not be something for a person to be neither proud nor ashamed of. It should just be another element of the self, no different from standard personality traits or preferences in various whatever’s. Hell, I have yet to come out to a lot of my family, not because I’m afraid they’ll disown me, but because, well, I have no reason to. I know they don’t care, so why make a fuss of it? If they ever find out, it’ll be when such a fact has some relevancy like if I ever wind up with an actual boyfriend to introduce them to.

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 No.30324

>>30282

>>30292

>>30295

I don't blame it for any of how screwed up I am but I'd call myself a good deal effeminate as well and my mother was the one who primarilly looked out for me and is the guardian who I liked best. I recall that back when I was maybe 10 or so I had a fantasy of sorts (something I repressed a bit rather than enjoyed to be more precise) of somehow getting stuck in my female cousin's underwear or something. This kind of thing was alongside more commonplace fetishy thoughts like bathing scenarios. Also when I was five I wanted a "Tatoodles" doll for Christmas. -which I got embarrassed about actually getting and let it get buried away for like nine years. Needless to say I was drawn to pretty girl outfits and such but it wasn't until a few years ago I got around to admitting it to myself. To say I thought that my mom influenced me too much this way wouldn't be too accurate I don't think though. I've always been emotional and all-around weak (and by extension dependant) so maybe I just felt inclined to fall into being a sissy or something.

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 No.30350

I care too much about strangers.

Every day I wake up with the thought of how many people are still suffering to this day.

I want to help but the least I can do is donate a dollar their way and be around for them whenever they feel down.

Sometimes this drains me to pounding headaches and forgetting to take care of myself (like eating, I'm skinny as hell and my doctor tells me I should eat more).

I resent anyone that gives me any kind of attention when I feel down - I lock up and respond with one word, even though I appreciate it in the end.

I want to open up, but it feels bad. I find it cringy and humiliating. I've been offered to roleplay recently to make myself feel better, but I denied - I'm terrified at the thought of someone reading them and turning it into a laughing stock.

I have wishes of expressing myself but I can't bring myself to do it. It feels like the only way I'll ever get over this is by being with someone and letting them tease me till I break, even though I want to slowly open up and believe there's multiple ways of solving this and that first method is just another easy way.

I have crushes on so many people and want to get into a relationship, but I'm afraid I'll become dependant on it that I'll become clingy turning it into a common problem.

also i like adding jokes at the end of every post i make and sometimes people think im shitposting when i do that. phhhh.

i just find this stuff kind of silly sometimes and want to say fuck it, let's have fun but then id be throwing my responsibilities away.

ty for reading this.

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 No.30561

Have you written pessimistic or Lovecraftian stories or tried videogames? It helps me tune out the world.

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 No.30569

>>30350

If you find that you have someone online who would hear you out and help you come out of this shell of yours (that can be me if you really want but I'm not great at talking I think) then you should walk into it not expecting outright negativity. I'm not so sure where "teasing you till you break" would lead but I'd not go into things expecting that. Maybe you're just comfortable thinking that because you want to make messing up feel safe (despite that roleplaying fear you mentioned) but it doesn't have to be all or nothing, you can put up with a good dose of teasing or whatever else but still expect an overall person-to-person respect. -and I know it's redundant of me to say so but if at all possible you gotta just find a way to not worry so much. As someone who likes to joke around as well as someone who posted in this thread I'm sure you can appreciate that life isn't always terribly pleasant and some supplementing of niceness or turning things around is necesary. I'll not argue how much concern you should have for the things you do but being comfortable focusing on your own well-being, comfort or just happiness and setting the world aside is only natural. If you truly want to impact people, share love with people too, you can't leave yourself out as you are in fact one of everyone in this world.

I know it all isn't simple (here I am just sort of stringing these ideas as I go) but good luck finding your way Friend. Eat a sandwich before you forget ya dingus.

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 No.30738

Is there a way I can shut off my feelings /kind/? I mean if I'm a genetic loser who can't do anything and the world doesn't do much besides jab inadequacey and shame into my husk of a brain and soul then why do I continue on? It's just a stupid hope that more feel-good events will happen to me and by some miracle life gets to a point where I can say it doesn't suck anymore. -which it won't plain and simple. I want to be the robot I'm expected to be if it means I have to live just to get sad. I don't want to someday get suicidal and be a curse and have everyone else be a curse if I fail. I'm weak and hate it and just want to beg a god I don't believe in to make it all right, to hide me away from it all and tell me it's okay. I know I'm pathetic, I know people overall yearn for the meaning of life and my being pathetic isn't even interesting. Just fuck man…

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 No.30765

>>29605

Wasn't even a 'lack of brushing' issue. Half my teeth on that side got smashed when I was a teenager due to a bike accident or two.

Then the wisdom tooth got shaken loose at a gig, and got an abcess and rotted.

20% chance of saving it at great expense, so I just had it yanked. No pain since, except for aching when I have to dig food out the still-healing hole.

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 No.30819

File: 1464185215189.jpg (154.87 KB,850x1191,850:1191,11111.jpg)

I just want to sleep, like, forever.

Everything sucks. From studies, relationships, health, family, interpersonal things, and my psychological test results from my therapist had been concerning too. Everything sucks, especially myself.

Even though I've been significantly coping with what I have, I'm sliding back down, and I don't want to talk about it to my friends anymore; I'm sure I'm just a bother.

I've changed a lot, I'm no longer the cheery, loving person they used to know and love. I turned jaded, nihilistic, and negative as if my own anguish is an infectious plague that spreads everywhere. I distance myself because I don't want them to catch what I'm having, it feels bad and I love them.

I don't see any other reason to keep on going aside from doing it for the few who cares about me. I'm trapped, I'm depressed, I'm slipping into despair and I can't get back up.

I know, I have to change my attitude, I should change my habits, I should march on. But I've done it all before, but this time I really can't break free anymore, and I don't want to fight anymore. I don't deserve happiness. Even though being stuck here makes me miserable, it also feels really good; good in a way that I feel that this is exactly what I deserve.

I should just sleep.

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 No.30821

>>30819

>it also feels good; good in a way that I feel that this is exactly what I deserve.

I can never understand how people can feel that. Do you envision a force at work judging your existence for you? Is that just what coming to a full acceptance of your negative feelings feels like? Maybe even just a thrill of walking through life on your own tightrope?

What do you think makes you feel so bad if you could point to anything Friend? A low self-image? Does everything just feel cheap anymore for whatever reason? Do you maybe want to share how that attempt to crawl out of it went?

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 No.30824

>>30821

I guess I just hate myself and my life so much that I'm actually starting to find solace in suffering.

I don't know, it's hard for me to explain too.

And as much as I want to say I have came into full acceptance to my life, I'm afraid that's not the case; otherwise I won't be so sad all the time. No, I hate it, and it makes me feel worse whenever I thought of how much it could've been better if I did things just a bit differently back then.

I attempted to crawl out by trying to stop caring about anything; whatever happens, happens. When bad things happen, I just shrug it off and not let it bother me. But all I did was dull myself by blocking my emotions, and there was only so much I can take before I break, and I inevitably broke.

>what kind of problems?

Workload problems, people problems, friends problems, love problems, mental problems. I'm thankful I at least don't have money problems.

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 No.30827

>>30824

Maybe it's just become so familiar it comes off as strangely good then?

So it's things just constantly going wrong or being out of your control huh? I mean you're saying you wanna die or magically sleep forever or whatnot. Is there no path you can see that you can leap towards with that apparently decent amount of money you've got? Are you pursuing something now you don't want to leave (would this workload happen to be college-related?)?

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 No.30830

I've done a rather significant amount of this thread's bitching and as such it wouldn't surprise anyone that I think about dying all the time. When I do get to start thinking about it for real I get very anxious and then scared though. I think the explanation for it is that with my life I never make any decision to control it and to die is a pretty significant thing to choose. I can't even comprehend what the decision means though, everything in my life is cloudy and so to dive into it I think I'd be twice as anguished as if I lead a functioning life (though I guess that's bullcrap, other people actually have precious things to leave behind). This (for lack of a better word "nagging") feeling feels like it's driving at me stronger over time maybe but I can't say when life is such a standstill to a tremendous dimwit like me. -so I'm scared. I guess I remember being scared a lot when I was young too and this uncertainty is pretty familiar I think. I'm scared of when I'll lose myself and just as scared of how people would treat me if they knew and how society would try and trap me and steal any kind of decision I could ever make. I much dislike the frequent question of how I'm feeling or "What's wrong?", it's just provacation of breaking in a way I can never allow because it's unsafe to anyone involved's relative peace, especially mine.

-so as a disclaimer, no I'm not about to go to sleep but you'd be a shithead to tattle if I was.

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 No.30852

I'm a very happy person with only the best intentions. I've made many people smile and impacted their lives, some in ways I never realized until they told me. I would never describe myself as sad, suicidal or depressed. There's just too much to focus on to be negative and my life is actually going great in terms of career because I'm actively chasing my dreams.

But I'm indifferent, and that's been something I've never quite figured out. I broke up with an incredible young woman who was sweet and I knew was going to be good to me because after a while I just got numb. A part of me even started to see her as annoying and in the way, even though she would've understood if I just told her I needed time because I did that before.

It's not just love. If an argument or fight were to happe I could instantly leave a friend and block him or her everywhere, and about a half-hour later I'd completely forget about them and what happened. I hate to say it, but I think I'm a monster in this sense because I just don't seem to care about the other side much, that I'm looking out for myself much more than I should be.

I don't think anyone would be able to solve something recurrent like that in one simple post among so many others that deserve a lot more attention than mine. I'm not expecting that. But I could never tell these things to my friends. As heartless as I could be a part of me still tries to have some perspective, and I know they'd be very hurt if they heard that.

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 No.30853

It's my birthday today and I feel like shit. Every year my life only get worse than it already was instead of better.

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 No.30854

File: 1464441082342.jpg (30.34 KB,336x336,1:1,1449960799853.jpg)

>>30853

Happy Birthday bro, I know that feel.

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 No.30855

File: 1464441342763.jpg (92.64 KB,517x811,517:811,f4c9c9fddded4465eb9a40aecd….jpg)

>>30853

Happy birthday!

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 No.30859

File: 1464473695323.jpg (40.75 KB,591x716,591:716,1439900905358.jpg)

>>30854

>>30855

Thanks guys

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 No.30862

Can't cool down inside and I laugh at the thought of venturing outside. Very easy to lie down and be a useless sack of shit in these conditions. It will of course get hotter though. Hate heat so much, if I lose my fan I wonder if that will lead me down the path to really losing my mind.

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 No.30869

>>30853

Happy (belated) birthday, anon! Mine is coming up at some point and I'll feel even more pressured that I haven't done anything significant with my life.

But just try to use those frustrations as a jumping off point to set meaningful goals.

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 No.30870

File: 1464560355415.jpg (530.65 KB,928x864,29:27,Konata.jpg)

>>30869

Thank you too, my birthday happens to be on the same day as that of the main character from Lucky Star by the way. Pretty cool in my opinion.

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 No.30938

File: 1465010416501.jpg (536.15 KB,1920x1080,16:9,1448134694255.jpg)

Just ended my relationship with my last boyfriend after he confessed to cheating with me. I don't know why stuff like this doesn't make me as mad as I feel like it should. Maybe I'm just used to this sort of thing by now…

What's going to hurt the most is knowing that I no longer have that one thing to look forward to. I no longer have something to think about that can make me smile while I wageslave. I no longer can lay in bed at night and think "one day, I won't feel so alone when I go to sleep."

I don't know. Maybe such things just don't seem worth getting upset over. Maybe…

I'm feeling good right now but damn this is going to hit me like a truck in the morning. And on a day where I work for 11 hours too…

Oh well that's life though. I'll get through it just like I always do.

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 No.30939

File: 1465017238139.jpg (180.91 KB,500x720,25:36,1370021127830.jpg)

>>30938

Why did he decide to tell then, at the start of a long day?

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 No.30942

>>30939

He wouldn't have known. I usually kept my working conditions vague. I didn't like complaining about it because he was working two jobs as well and it would feel really petty on my part to whine about it.

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 No.30943

>>30870

That's pretty cool!

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 No.30945

File: 1465040659536.jpg (64.08 KB,1280x720,16:9,homusmile.jpg)

>>30938

That's the thing about heartbreaks… It's the realization of the loss that will hurt, it's like having your tooth removed; you're fine immediately after getting out of the dentist only for it to start hurting the next day.

>What's going to hurt the most is knowing that I no longer have that one thing to look forward to. I no longer have something to think about that can make me smile while I wageslave. I no longer can lay in bed at night and think "one day, I won't feel so alone when I go to sleep."

Now now, c'mon… Don't say such nonsense.

If there's one thing that /kind/ have taught me, is that out there is a cold and unforgiving world, and there are so many people that can and will hurt and disappoint you. However, you should never lose your faith in love, life, and humanity.

Because there are people who care, and there are kind folks that will lend you a hand and help you during difficult times, there are people who will love you for who you are, there are people who will stay faithful to you, there are people who can make you happy, and there will be someone who can make you stop feeling alone when you sleep. You just have to keep looking and soldier on.

The thing about broken hearts is that every time it happens is that once it heals, it gets bigger and tougher than it ever was. Once you rid of the pain and anguish, you'll be reborn as someone much stronger and wiser. You will finally see clearly of what he did wrong, why you two didn't work, and it won't hurt you anymore. And you know what? You might not be able to feel it now, but this sort of thing gives you valuable experience that accumulates every time.

And with every experience, you'll get stronger, and wiser, just as I have said. And with that, it increases the chance that you will meet someone else who is actually worth your time, someone that can make you smile, someone that can rid of your loneliness, someone that can make you feel special.

This sort of talk, I know how idealistic it sounds, I know how naive and hopeful it is, and I know all too well that the world is forgiving to no one. Happy endings don't always happen because life is not a fairy tale, and there's no script. However, it's a thought that keeps me going day after day.

And it still works up until today.

Keep fighting, my friend, and probably someday you can finally make your happy ending happen.

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 No.30954

File: 1465076011168.jpg (78.46 KB,1280x720,16:9,80cba678.jpg)

>>30945

Good post!

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 No.30961

File: 1465105742140.jpg (77.23 KB,610x406,305:203,Danbo night.jpg)

My stepsister had her graduation party today.

She sent out 200 invites, and 200 friends of hers showed up. She was very active in clubs, held a high GPA. Everyone was happy at the party. They all showed up, even if most of them were a bit distant to her, relationship wise. She'll be going to a prestigious university starting next fall, some of her friends are going to move in to the dorm with her.

I spent most of my day out at a baseball diamond, hitting off a tee and swallowing my soul with a lot on my mind.

Two years ago, I was this low-scoring ACT, 2.59 GPA highschool loser with only around 24 friends. I sent 24 invites, and only 2 people attended. The rest were family who felt obligated. Hell, one of my brothers had plans to be picked up during my party so they didn't have to sit through the 2 hour shitshow, just to play videogames with his friends. Some of the kids that fucking came to pick him up I probably gave invites to, because we shared friends like that.

I don't have any friends anymore. I severed those ties. I've shut my bro out of my life for now, because it's a fucking toxic relationship. I attend community college close to home, and haven't made a friend in 2 years. I feel so goddamn lonely, but I don't want to be in these ridiculous relationships where I'm uncherished.

I don't know how I feel. Shitty and spiteful, I guess. How the hell you even feel a longing for friendship but a loathe people, I'll never know. Fuck, I guess I'll just watch anime or something and sleep tonight.

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 No.30980

File: 1465230140588.gif (64.56 KB,256x500,64:125,205114.gif)

>>30961

>random pic from an unsorted folder. Probably not related

not trying to one-up you here, but back in 2010 I graduated high school. I could have gotten an honors diploma, but I never found the time to take foreign language courses, which is okay because as it turns out, I'm sort of on the spectrum legitimately, not the standard "internet autism" and absolutely failed at school because it was boring as fuck and proved entirely without use anyway.

So I graduated - I think my GPA was probably about the same as yours. I did send a handful of invitations, but of the dozen or so people that got them, There was only 3 that were going to friends. I had a whole cake to myself that day, no one showed up.

It really is okay though, honestly. Thinking back on it now, I'm sort of relieved I didn't hold onto any of those high school relationships, because I can't remember why we were "friends" to begin with.

College wasn't much better; just like high school, relationships were built more on what your last name was (at least for me) than any sort of shared goals or ideas. I didn't make any friends because there wasn't time for that shit anyway.

I dropped out in the spring of 2012. Entered "real life", started paying rent, that sort of thing. I made my first new friend in years, they lived a few doors down in my apartment complex. We were both hanging out on the patio one evening.

It gets better outside of school, is the point I'm trying to make. School and work, by their design, make creating relationships hard. No one wants to be there, everyone just "wants to get it over with". It'll be easier when you're placed in a position where you and others are, by their choice.

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 No.31026

File: 1465458543581.png (77.93 KB,297x203,297:203,65558758857578.png)

>>30938

I know that feel hun, at least he said it with a straight face. Although, he's still a jerk tbh. Get a husbundo or gf instead.

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 No.31036

File: 1465480617040.jpg (266.42 KB,905x881,905:881,1462654144716.jpg)

>>30204

And just hit me hard and made me slump the moment I got in now. Even when been fine all day, saw one image and there went the floodgates.

Fun.

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 No.31059

File: 1465612538532.jpg (103.4 KB,600x400,3:2,danbo bus king.jpg)

>>30980

I've let what you've posted sink in, but it still doesn't sit right with me. I'm sure it does get better outside of school and workplace and all, but it seems like its almost a once in a lifetime experience to be grouped up with people around my age looking to achieve almost the same thing, passing courses and enjoying time with each other. I see everyone hanging around after classes and all and going to cafes and I just envy that, man.

Unlike you, though, after the high school grad party I never questioned why I made those friends and why I didn't achieve a higher GPA. Instead, I asked why I didn't achieve a higher GPA and why these friends of mine never showed up to my party. Hell, I even wondered why we weren't friends enough for them to at least stop by for 15 minutes. I still do, I guess.

I really, honestly tried. I honestly put my best foot forward for an attempt to make friends and post a college-worthy transcript. I played videogames that I never truly loved, I took AP courses that I never fully passed. I just keep asking why I never obtained anything I wanted, even though I tried this hard. Her grad party reminded me that its possible, but I can't figure out how its done.

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 No.31095

>>31059

I appreciate you trying. I won't lie and say any of that would have made sense to me in your shoes – I am, after all, speaking with the benefit of hindsight.

If anything, actually, I still feel, from time to time, that I missed out on what I might call a "quintessential youth experience", having not done most of that. It doesn't bother me though, because there are plenty of analogues.

For instance, although I missed being "grouped up with people around my age" and working together to "achieve almost the same thing" in school, at work just recently, we sold a big important job that needed to be manufactured and shipped in a rush, so we all traded in out office white collars for some production coveralls. Every person in the company went back to build this job. It ended with a bunch of beer and pizza in the kitchen. It was a good time. Gratifying, too.

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 No.31100

I spend a lot of days looking at porn but get little sexual gratification, can't even get erect anymore. Some research says most impotence can be cured by treating yourself better but that's why I distract myself with porn in the first place, I hate myself and can't stand trying to do anything because I'm totally inept and unfit. My poor mental capacity and unattractiveness is upsetting enough for imagining (or rather failing to adequately imagine) things and that defeatedness may have sealed the deal for me not getting off. I really ought not to live when I'm such a genetic fuck-up and I can't even pretend right but any such ambition is emptier than my dick even though I think of dying roughly as much as lewd stuff.

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 No.31171

File: 1466354974279.png (6.03 KB,728x90,364:45,dd677e1de0654933807676a798….png)

>>31095

That production floor story was heart warming anon ^_^

I'm glad you experienced that. Life does not end at youth. You have your whole life to fill with interesting experiences

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 No.31172

File: 1466356587425.png (147.58 KB,340x298,170:149,1465552632609.png)

>>31171

I can't tell if those ads are supposed to be a joke or not.

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 No.31173

>>31172

I assumed it was a subtle mind fuckery bully troll type ad, but i tend to over think things so I could be wrong.

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 No.31178

>>31173

Mindfuckery bullshit or otherwise, it's nonetheless true. which makes the mopey thread the best place to put it

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 No.31201

>>31178

>it's nonetheless true

Depends on who you are, and your belief system, really. Value is subjective. For some even time is meaningless/worthless.

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 No.31202

File: 1466491206237.gif (1.39 MB,500x277,500:277,1412702007311.gif)

>>31171

Heh, reminds me of my days on wizardchan when hotwheels ran the place, and I listened that time. It's so true though, it hurts to watch months pass by without doing anything with my life.

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 No.31257

>Don't smoke, drink, do drugs, have a facebook, watch TV or go to restaurants

>Constantly feel like a social reject because I don't do any of the above and never really fit in

>Want to be a qt trap and have the looks to pull it off

>Been slowly balding since I was a teen

Why must we sad, /kind/?

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 No.31258

>>31257

>Been slowly balding since I was a teen

This could be from excessive stress or excessive fapping.

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 No.31260

>>31258

It's probably both and it runs in the family

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 No.31307

i started balding in my teens and was/am a chronic fapper and also had a lot of stress around that time.

I'm bald as fuck now.

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 No.31308

>>31307

At the moment my plan is to finish the course I took to get out of my NEET life and then get a job to buy finasteride. I'm not going to give up on being a trap before I even get the chance to

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 No.31322

>feel like shit

>can't do anything because I feel like shit

>feel like shit because I've done nothing

and the cycle continues.

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 No.31426

So I guess I could start out with some things about me.

I'm apparently smart. I don't doubt it, really, it's just that no proof has actually been shown that I am. I was tested at one point or another back when I was a kid (7-8 maybe), but I was never given a straight answer from my parents on the test results.

I'm obstructive, and very, very good at it. Don't want my parents to notice

my crippling depression? Just fake a smile and seem happy. Parents want to know where I was most of the day? I was out riding my bike, getting some exercise

Surprise, I'm a social outcast. No one wants to be friends with a guy who will tell you why you shouldn't use this and how this could get compromised or how that spies on you and whatnot. No one in the real world interacts like that, mostly because the world isn't fucking /tech/.

My hobbies include learning about technology, fucking around with Linux, programming in C# (shittily), learning new programming languages and trying to not be a social outcast.

Now let's go over to why I'm here, the mope part.

I'm lonely. I have some friends, but usually they're off doing something else or avoiding me. Recently, someone had a crush on me (or still does). It's this cute guy that I met online though (yes I'm bi and I like dick). Guy lives in another fucking country, of course. Now you might be thinking: "well why don't you have a long distance relationship?".

No.

Lemme back it up a couple months to where I had a long distance relationship. No, no, no. Before I even had started a relationship with her. I was talking to one of- you know what, fuck it. This name will for sure get traced back to me some fucking how but it doesn't matter. I was talking to one of Blanket's friends about her last long distance relationship, which apparently had ended with her leaving him, due to him apparently not giving her not enough attention. I was a little hesitant at that point, since I didn't want shit to end like that, but her friend pushed me on. So we started this little clusterfuck known as a long distance relationship and things went well. Calls with each of us being up 'till 5 am, confessing dirty fantasies and fetishes, the generic shit. Life was good, we were happy and it was going well. At around our one month "anniversary" or whatever you'd like to call it, I was talking to a friend irl who I also know online (one person I know who's into the same shit as me) about it and he just said "hey man it's gonna end eventually.". Me being an arrogant prick at the time, said whatever and didn't take his advice.

Fast forward to a month and a half. I want out. She's unstable, psychotic and wants to have children with me. Never stick your cyber dick in crazy, kids. But, I stay, for some odd reason. I can't really put a finger on why I stayed, but it probably was the mixture of it being my first "relationship" with a girl and the misconceived idea she would eventually come halfway across the country and give me the succ.

So it's at almost two months. Literally New Year's Eve. We talk a little and she decides to go to sleep. I stay awake and decide to talk to her ex. I don't really remember the convo word for word, but it went along the path of me asking if she did any of that shit and him telling me to get the fuck out of there. I proceed to then have a mental fucking break down at one am in the morning on New Years. I violently tell her I'm leaving her and explain why then block her.

Then the emotional part starts to set in when I've realize what I've done.

I'll skip all the depression and bullshit so we can get back to the guy who has a crush on me.

TL;DR: LDR ONLINE WENT FUCKING HAYWIRE, 0/10 WOULD NOT DO AGAIN EVER.

Anyways, I'm not going to get in a LDR with this guy. He's cute and I like him (I've seen pictures, I'm not fucking crazy), but I'm not going to get into a relationship with him. It wouldn't work and would just eventually end up with the story being posted in the mope thread.

I'm just lonely and need some affection honestly.

But here's the worst part:

I want to have little fling with him but I know it will just end badly for both of us.

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 No.31429

File: 1467291886181.jpg (281.16 KB,768x903,256:301,1467261458440.jpg)

So a while back I dropped out of highschool because I was being forced into incredibly shit subjects. It was either do a uni-level Economics course when I've never studied for economics before or do a uni-level Modern History course when I got failed hard in regular modern history. I've been doing a few courses at a TAFE, I've got no clue what the American equivalent of that is and this year I found out I wont be getting my certificate because of >>31379 and it turns out my parents wont be paying for another year.

I wasn't too mopey about this until I realized I've never worked and I'll be stuck in the NEET life until I find some job that will actually hire me.

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 No.31488

File: 1467562185590.png (35.79 KB,160x160,1:1,hes listening.png)

>complained in a public chat about my pc crashing sometimes when i draw

>two folks gathered funds in secret and one of them tells me they're willing to buy new parts for me

>dragged my foot around it and refused the offer eventually

I don't understand why I can't just accept the offer - this would relieve me from worrying about my computer crashing when I'm doing stuff.

I'm suspecting that I'm addicted to denying people because I refuse any help that is offered to me or I'm terrified of never being able to pay back.

Then again, I was diagnosed with depression and I've been told that it makes you do illogical stuff.

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 No.31605

File: 1468083410004.jpg (91.11 KB,1280x720,16:9,1459532690408.jpg)

>>31429

That's not so bad, some of us enjoy being NEET. I can't imagine ever working for a living. I can't drive either though, there's not a lot of real life things I've experienced.

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 No.31640

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

Today this piece of shit guy (very likely impersonating a cop) showed off his police patch in all black asked "if i wanted to buy something".

I wasn't even 20ft from the store and i got his attention. First he showed off his patch and then asked the question and followed me in and out of the store.

I found a cop and told him, he said asking to buy "something" wasn't "wrong", but him following me in and out of the store was. The cop drove to the store, but i don't know if he got him.

The one taboo i have about pranks is people impersonating a cop. I don't know if this asshole is corrupt cop or a comical millennials, he could be raping someone while looking like cop. Corrupt police aren't funny they can legally ruin your life or rape your family, that's fucking scary.

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 No.31657

>>31640

Did a cop rape your family, anon?

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 No.31667

File: 1468285266718.jpg (21.13 KB,275x223,275:223,0e24d8efa172d8b31283ee9bb6….jpg)

It kinda feels like the entire world is testing my patience. People I respected are infighting with each other over the pettiness of things.

However, in the past I would've moped about it. But this time I'm feeling oddly… determined to change myself for the better. I truly want to make the world a better place, but at the same time I know there's so much wrong going on that there's very little I can do to truly stop it. I think part of me growing up is being able to accept that change isn't about some big final battle to save the world, but really changing yourself to ultimately positively contribute back to society in some way, even if it's ultimately something small.

Perhaps I'm just rationalizing the fact that I'm ultimately not that important in the grand scheme of things, but well, if that leads to a better me than who am I to complain?

this didn't sound very mopey

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 No.31692

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

I miss lying about my gender and being a perfect person for my exbf to enjoy. I hate being male and being stuck with myself for other people in real relationships. I just hate myself and gender trolling was too much of a good way to escape this decided world where i'm of lowest teir race, height and gender.

My sister is the perfect woman with my exact face. Shes perfect, why couldn't i be perfect. i hate being alone.

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 No.31693

File: 1468403633437.png (792.54 KB,1920x1080,16:9,1341406810691-3.png)

>>31692

Your sister can't be perfect if she's also of the lowest race like yourself.

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 No.31697

>>31693

Why so bully anon?

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 No.31698

File: 1468466244713.webm (509.3 KB,720x405,16:9,1468380791748.webm)

>>31697

I no bullied.

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 No.31712

I wish I had less retarded friends.

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 No.31716

>>31693

You probably don't care, but race doesn't matter as much when your attraction comes from being feminine/physique, then your class/race doesn't matter.

but you're right, my logic was contradictive.

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 No.31721

>>31712

How are they retarded?

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 No.31724

File: 1468590943877.gif (175.75 KB,333x286,333:286,1414352902532.gif)

>>31721

Here is an example. I got a text yesterday from one of them asking what onecoin is. I told him it's a scam. He asks me if I'm 100% sure. I said yeah. (I had researched into it months ago for him and told him the same thing and explained why) He goes on to argue how his uncle is doing it and so all the things people said online must be false and that bitcoin is the same thing. I tell him, anyone can get bitcoin he tries to argue it's the same thing. I tell him to do what he want's. He goes on to say I'm supposed to know about this stuff and I don't need to show him attitude. I tell him I already explained to him months ago and that it's been advised by the Belgian authority not to use it. He says yeah because you can't track it (This is bs). He tells me not to worry my "little brain" about it and he thought I'd be more understanding. I tell him I understand, it's a scam and if he doesn't want to listen to me that's up to him. He lol's. I tell him I did research month's back and it's nothing like bitcoin it's basically a pyramid scheme. He tells me he knows it's a pyramid scheme. I don't reply because I'm pissed off at this point.

Another example.

>Say's my phone is shit because a game won't connect due to server issues (Pokemon Go).

>tell him it's better than his phone (he's got an old iphone)

>Tell's me apple killed nokia and it's the most popular phone in the world.

>try to explain to him how this isn't true and that it was android who took nokias market

>starts shouting like a 6 year old every time I try to make a point all the way through the car journey

>arrive home, I say w.e and leave.

I can't argue with these people, they don't base their arguments on facts and just bs their way into "winning". I also have to work with this person today and we're 1 staff short. I've been on the edge for a few weeks now and already lost it once. I just hope he doesn't say anything to me.

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 No.31753

File: 1468700980938.png (246.61 KB,600x487,600:487,1467665757957.png)

>>31724

you should relax anon!

don't think about it too much or else you won't be able to stop thinking about it!!

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 No.31777

>>31712

We are to be enemies then. I do hope you understand and our mutual ill-feelings can be civil though.

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 No.31778

>>31692

So you've got your perfect sister's face but can't trap irl?

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 No.31779

File: 1468835090792.jpeg (120.89 KB,1015x651,145:93,image.jpeg)

It's roughly 2AM in the morning. I am cooking spaghetti while silently tearing up because I made the mistake of letting one of the sadder songs from the Onegai Teacher OST (Kikou Inoue's vocal song) queue up on my YT playlist. I think one of my tears dropped into the sauce pot.

Sad, yet beautifully composed, songs typically have this effect on me. I'm not even sad over the context of the song, it's just that the depressing tone makes me introspective. It makes me reflect on my entire life, showing me every step on the way to living 23 years of mediocrity and stagnancy.

I have no gf, I'm a hugless and kissless virigin at the age of 23, and I feel my sexual depravity is getting worse. I'm often told that I'm handsome, but I can't even approach women and start conversation with them, because these Chinese cartoons have me believing that girls fall for the brooding handsome/pretty guy. I don't have a life (do nothing free nights), have two friends left who I feel are so distant they probably wouldn't recognize me in public, and I'm still living at home - in a cramped apartment - with my mom for the past 6 years. After I graduated high school in 2011, I had no idea what to do. I spent two grueling years trying to find a minimum wage job so I could support my gayming habits. I had to bite the bullet and make legitimate career choice in 2013 and opt to pursue a career in Computer Informational Systems, taking classes at the community college. The biggest issue is that there were so many financial obstacles in my time attending school that I had no choice but to work dead end jobs while juggling school. I had to bust my ass to pay for tuition because I didn't qualify for financial aid; odd since I'm a Flip in the lower-class percentile, living in one of the most liberal fucking states in this country.

Basically, my attempt at getting a career has pushed people farther away from me, even though I'm nearly done with school (just one more semester until I get my Bachelor's). I can't talk to my mom for more than 5 minutes; our phone conservations last up to 50 seconds, with the shortest phone calls being 4 seconds. As for my dad, will shit I haven't seen that nigga since I was 4 years old. My friends don't want to talk to me and they seem to have removed me their friends list on Steam and PSN; I'm not outwardly otaku/weebish, and I don't have anything embarassing on my profiles, so I don't get it. I haven't made a single friend since 2009, and I feel that my reserved personality will prevent me from even making acquaintances. So how I can expect to get a gf, let alone transcend that relationship to experience the tribulations and happiness of marriage? I don't know how it's possible, but I have reached a point lower than Tomoko.

I have tried therapy in the past. It worked, but they had me prescribed to anti-depressants that made me impotent and - honestly - made me more depressed. I make an honest effort to keep myself physically fit; I lift a moderate amount (no juicing for me), partake in cardiovascular activity, pull ups (my faves), and occasionally play basketball. But it's all for naught, because in the end, I yield no results and all the added stress and obligations to my schedule just makes me even more depressed + neurotic.

Honestly, my reason to keep on living are my two cats. I both rescued them over a decade ago, when they were small kittens. Their warmth and happieness keeps my sanity and humanity in check; gives me something to look forward to when I come home from busting my ass off for a career where I'll bust my ass off even more. But my two lil fuzzballs are getting old, and they may let nature take its course within the next few years. I don't know what I'll do after that; I'll be alone, with constructed unicode texts from strangers on the Internet to give me a social outlet.

I know everyone had their own problems, and to be completely honest, my problems don't mean shit to someone else who has a harder struggle. But god damn it, these feels are just over taking me. I'm frantically typing this shit on my phone while stifling my sobbing so I don't wake my mom up in the middle of night.

Is there hope for me, or should I just lynch myself?

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 No.32915

I’ve become so angry and miserable at the world. I hate everybody. I used to be much more tolerant towards the bullshit, but all the sudden I can’t contain it anymore. It makes me angry seeing such endless idiocy, I’m no longer able to just sit by and watch it go on with itself.

All I want is to vent, to scream into the void, but people would just belittle me with the obvious, like I’m a fucking idiot. And you know what? I appreciate it to an extent. I don’t mind the advice in of itself, but they just share it in the most condescending, assumptions, and snarky way possible.

I hate these fucking idiots, I hate, hate, hate them. And I can’t call them out for it, I can’t say what’s wrong or what I think about them. That’s “rude,” and yeah it is. I don’t deny it. But at least I’m direct and clear with my intentions. I wouldn’t be bothered if you just directly called me out as an ass. You should have a right to that, I believe.

I don’t attack people unprovoked, but I am simply unable to just let someone talk down to me like that. These fucking idiots who think they know best, so ready to shoot me up with their home made remedies. But not a fucking one of them even has a grasp on what the ailment is in the first place.

I overreacted, fine, I can fess up to that, but not a one of them could even be assed to try and understand. They’d rather dog pile me. Slap my wrists repeatedly. And that’s fine, call me out for my shit, that’s ok. But for fuck sakes, a few harsh words doesn’t suddenly diminish my point. No, I’m just a villain feigning as the victim. Woe is me for expressing what I feel, woe is me for being direct with what I think. It’s all as black and white as can be. Always.

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 No.32921

>>32915

I think if you'd change the basis of your attitude everything can change for the better slowly. As soon as you realise how many times you yourself have trespassed, made people feel miserable and harmed them, you'd become more humble. This humbleness could wash away your sense of entitlement to a certain treatment you believe to deserve, and therefore be a first step to set you free. Because at the moment, you seem little more than a slave to your anger and wrath.

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 No.33181

File: 8f361116e99150f⋯.jpg (73.85 KB,480x576,5:6,__tenryuu_kantai_collectio….jpg)

I don't know how to feel about life anymore honestly. I'm 27, a virgin, and still live with my parents whom I love dearly. I've lost all my contact with my in-real-life friends; most either moved away or it was me who just stopped communicating. Most of the day I spend in my room, browsing the internet or playing video games. It's a lifestyle I want to break away from. I do go to the gym on occasion, and while I do feel good going there, I've fallen off the train and can't keep a schedule.

Over the past few weeks I've been looking for jobs and applying with no success. At first it was for things I wanted to do, namely becoming a graphic designer. Then I noticed all these places that were looking for entry level designers were looking for people with experience (3 years plus too), which I do not have because I am a fresh college graduate and because I was busy there I had no time then for an internship, which weren't paid to begin with. Now I am looking for any jobs; places like sandwich shops, grocery stores and the like. Anything to put on my resumé. It's also so I can at least start feeling less depressed; for a long part of the summer I was cooped up inside my room.

Today I got a phone call from a grocery store that I applied to. They said I did not meet minimum qualifications but they did not go into detail what they meant. No chance for an interview, and if I want to reapply it would have to be at least in 30 days. Normally I wouldn't think much of it, but the "did not meet minimum qualifications" part got to me. I'm a fucking BA who volunteers at a homeless shelter sorting food donations and helping clients twice a week and I can't get a job to be a produce stocker because I don't have minimum qualifications apparently.

College was rough. It took longer than 4 years to complete, mainly because of anxiety and depression. I had to drop one course because a piece of art that I did that I worked my ass off on was apparently unsatisfactory. And this was a piece I did twice, and while I admit the first one was shit the second one I actually had some pride in. But when your best isn't good enough what do you do? Because even if you redo that piece 50 fucking times over it isn't going to get better.

Did not meet minimum qualifications. What do I do now? What can I do anyway, if I never meet qualifications? Am I really that worthless?

I apologize for the writing; it's not really coming from the mind but rather from the soul as it were.

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 No.33182

File: aea734bf03614cd⋯.gif (307.9 KB,480x270,16:9,u are great and I love u.gif)

>>33181

> Am I really that worthless?

You do not acquire worth by the things you do, but by what you are. You are a human, and that gives you an infinite amount of worth. You are worth so much more than anything out there. A pile of gold, a palace, a painting. All of them dade away.

>Did not meet minimum qualifications. What do I do now? What can I do anyway, if I never meet qualifications?

That sounds like a real harsh job market. Where are you from? Here such jobs are done by people that never finished school. I'm not sure if I can give practical advise, nor if it is what you need. Are you good at what ou do`? ever thought about becoming an entrepreneur?

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 No.33184

>>33181

I hate hearing people call themselves worthless simply because they're neets or virgins. So long as you aren't evil you should feel satisfied with yourself. You gave it your best shot and didn't purposely hurt others when it would have benefited you. That's a lot more than what other people can say.

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 No.33185

File: 06066642eedd4b3⋯.jpeg (17.99 KB,661x360,661:360,devil's advocate.jpeg)

>>33181

>Am I really that worthless?

In relation to the job market, yes you are. You might even be worse than worthless if you're a net drain on your family. Here's your (you).

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 No.33186

>>33182

I live in Massachusetts; I won't say where in other than I don't live in Boston. For careers, I know I would be moving from my parents' house. Probably go back to where I was born in Virginia; simply more opportunities there. That said, there are more general jobs that I am applying for. But when you don't hear back from any of them it's rough. I did have an interview with a frozen yogurt place, though that was 3 weeks ago. I've gone in and asked several times about status, but now they might have an answer next week. The further I wait, the more pessimistic I get.

I'd like to feel that I am appropriate these jobs. As for entrepreneurship I have no business experience, and I would not know where to start.

>>33184

The worthlessness comes from the fact that while I might be trying my best it feels like my best isn't needed. I don't want to hurt anyone at all though; there's nothing to be gained from it.

>>33185

I get you're playing devil's advocate, but honestly that isn't helping.

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 No.33197

>>33181

If you have no work experience, you can't distinguish yourself from an illegal immigrant that will do unskilled labor for a buck an hour. When a company says you don't meet minimum qualifications, they most likely mean to be paid an actual minimum wage. A BA isn't going to help you there.

What kind of graphic designer are you? There are things you can do to get "experience" that don't depend on the kindness of strangers. You could build up an online portfolio, or head over to /agdg/ and one-man-army a game, for example. If you're just going to program a VN or something, you can learn the code involved in like a day. And that's something that can go on a resume.

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 No.33216

File: add4b2229975977⋯.jpg (114.74 KB,960x540,16:9,5.jpg)

>>33184

Not him but I wish I was more selfish and cold if I was more capable as well. I never want to hurt anyone but at the same time I hate the world and people and I wish it would all get erased and redone. They say hardship builds character and I feel that all that means for me is I'm a bleeding heart because I'm not a good enough weasel or conqueror. I'm preaching sacrilege here but I feel goodness is worthless if you aren't attractive and attractiveness (which is valued as much as niceness, you can be just as happy with some gold-digger trophy wife) is an extension of being a capable person. -but again I feel real life is full of ugly and stupid people and the fortunate strong are the only ones to prosper.

I don't believe that's an absolute rule though, it's mostly nature that's cruel ultimately (even if it turned out we were planted here by aliens or some shit and aren't natural). Pretty much my only hope anymore is that my life was just a mean joke and there's a plane of existence I'll be luckier in.

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 No.33416

AAGHGHGHASFPHADSF EAEPH IFPEQWRFjR[T

OWE1

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 No.33444

Sorry I haven't replied in a while.

>>33197

>If you have no work experience, you can't distinguish yourself from an illegal immigrant that will do unskilled labor for a buck an hour. When a company says you don't meet minimum qualifications, they most likely mean to be paid an actual minimum wage. A BA isn't going to help you there.

I am willing to work for minimum wage really. At this point anything on my resume will help, just because I will have something.

For graphic design, I just wish there was something I can get in. Internships here for the most part don't pay and very few are willing to take on graduate students. Junior level positions very rarely will take grads, especially if they don't have multiple years of experience within a certain type of environment. There are a few places that are doing graphic things that I am looking at though, so I am hoping something comes up there.

I did have an interview with a second grocery store though. It went well, but I didn't hear from them for a week; turns out they filled it in without calling me. Found out when I visited the store myself.

I hate to say this but I am getting numb from this.

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 No.33450

File: 1a4a7f24f52329a⋯.png (243.71 KB,500x489,500:489,heart.png)

>>33444

Nice quads anon. The requirements for being a teacher varies from state to state. Sometimes all you need is a bachelors.

Maybe you could teach art or English.

I'm a STEM graduate with no job and I'm seriously considering teaching. Florida has a teacher shortage but to do that would mean I'd have to move. I only spent a day on a couple applications and I got two calls and an email.

Whatever you do, hope something works out and you get a job. Keep your chin up friend

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 No.33451

File: 1a1f025ad784af1⋯.png (8.11 KB,500x250,2:1,Oekaki.png)

>>33444

>For graphic design, I just wish there was something I can get in

MAKE US A MASCOT!

Not a moeblob but a /kind/ valkyrie dog with wings

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 No.33453

File: 29871d76e5249ce⋯.png (Spoiler Image,191.26 KB,900x1084,225:271,valkyie dog.png)

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 No.33457

>>33453

♥♥

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 No.33492

The most upsetting thing is that rainy days are never as nice in real life as they are in Animal Crossing. I want a rainy day that video games and movies have promised me, instead of the ones that I actually get.

Oh wait, this wasn't mopey at all.

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 No.33499

File: 10a2b1ca3fb323f⋯.png (118.92 KB,316x263,316:263,steamworkshop_webupload_pr….png)

unlike most kids i never got over my disgust for veggies. just putting them in my mouth already makes me want to gag. so i almost never eat them, to make matters worse i also consume a shit ton of candy

i feel like i would die at age 28 because of such an unhealthy diet

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 No.33505

File: d315555ceba751a⋯.jpg (132.09 KB,1500x1063,1500:1063,28d35011b55dc4fe11edfa3f3b….jpg)

>>33499

It doesn't have to be that way, anon.

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 No.33506

>>33499

As long as you're not fat it should be ok, if you still get your vitamins (juice, fruits etc)

Do you dislike all veggies? Potatos?

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 No.33524

>>33506

i can eat carrots, cucumbers, raw spinach and salad.

fruits and juice i have no problem with whatsoever. i also take vitamin pills

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 No.33526

>>28201

I’ve been slowly starting to realize what a bitter and jealous sourpuss I am. It’s something I’d want to say started about a year ago, and it’s only gotten worse as time has gone on.

I remember a time I wanted to make people happy, to spread joy and leave a good impression on other people’s lives. And for a while I did. But…, something changed inside me…, for seemingly no reason. I’ve become more prone to anger as of late. I lash out at others in an overtly aggressive manner. I always feel like people are talking down to me, or thinking less of me.

I’m horribly petty on top of it. Sometimes I feel an urge to stir up shit and create drama, all for the sake of some attention. Or so I theorize. I’m self-aware of these faults, which makes it all the more frustrating when I see my negative emotions constantly come out on top.

I consider myself a creative person. I enjoy writing, have taken up drawing, and constantly dream of seeing all the ideas in my head come to fruition. But recently I’ve come to the conclusion that I create solely as a means of seeking validation for myself. Nothing I do feels like it’s for me anymore. It all just seems like an attempt at filling some vaguely defined hole.

When people don’t give me any sort of reaction to my works, I internally flip my shit. Like, I sort of reach this never-ending pit futility. Where none of it matters. And I’m a damn fool for wasting my life on this shit.

Creating used to make me so happy and fulfilled…, it was all I had to keep my chin up. Now it embodies nothing but spite and self-loathing. What’s there left?

I have to constantly escape through media, movies, music, anime, ect. Anything to get my head away from lingering solely on myself. My brain is like my stomach, if I don’t give it something to chew on it starts to eat away at itsself.

I’ve turned all of my friends into crutches, relying on them entirely for my emotional support. If I’m down and have no one available, I start to feel abandoned and forgotten. Not that anyone did anything wrong, this is all in my own head. And yet, to know what’s eating me up and still tp have had no success fixing the issues only manages to dig me deeper into my own pit.

A part of me wants to get rid of them all, just to say fuck it and delete every single last one of them. And for what?… Why do I want to take such a drastic measure? Especially at the cost of other people’s emotions. That’s not fair…

I just want to belong. I just want to be a part of something positive. But I guess, I just wasn’t meant to be. Reckon I’m just broken. Another dime-a-dozen, bargin bin, piece of trash.

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 No.33804

File: 3cedf3795cb4ce8⋯.jpg (34.96 KB,514x424,257:212,1.jpg)

How do you keep going when you feel entirely fucked /kind/? I don't find enjoyment in anything I do these days, and everything good that does happen usually fucks up eventually. I keep trying to throw myself at shit I used to enjoy, but I just can't concentrate.

Image unrelated. All I have on hand.

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 No.33805

>>33526

I know this all too well.

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 No.33806

File: 719d7e62a02200a⋯.jpg (958.02 KB,1808x1096,226:137,b08f47c4fc0611a83d1f52e2eb….jpg)

My 3rd day of failure begins. Wish me luck.

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 No.33810

>>33806

good luck!

… But how do you know it will be a failure?

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 No.33813

>>33810

Yeah, I'm not certain I will fail. I'm just noticing a trend of nothing but failure.

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 No.33869

File: 4187d84225bd095⋯.jpg (138.59 KB,392x495,392:495,4187d84225bd09547d28d42428….jpg)

Alright, time to mope I guess.

I got out of high school in a small nowhere town in 2015, and since then I have been stuck being a NEET. I spend my days watching anime and playing VNs and vidya. I have no friends, anybody I knew in high school left and it's getting really lonely. My parents barely tolerate me, I can see it in their eyes that they want to kick me out, but they know that in this economy I can't find a job outside of the military. I feel like a disgrace, my parents spent all that time and effort raising me, and for what, for some asshole weeaboo who leeches off their money like a parasite so sit in his room all day? I also go to college, but I was stupid and got my grant revoked and I ran out of money to go. Not that it was worth anything, but that was the only thing I could do to go outside and maybe have a little social interaction.

I hate this. Living like this is so pathetic, I feel so damn worthless. I'm supposed to be an adult and have a job and have the money to feed myself, but I keep completing applications and get no callbacks whatsoever. I might as well be shooting them in the sun for all the good that will do.

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 No.33871

>>33869

Don't do ordinary college. Its filled with so much useless artsy ideological garbage and its forced upon you. If you hate school/ don't want to waste excessive money, go to a technical/trade college. Get relevant certification or diploma. A diploma can be earned in as little as 1 - 2 years. A certificate can take you as little as 2-8 months.

I'd recommend PLC, DCS, electromechanical or robotics programming technician. Everything is becoming automated. So the welder meme will be automated away soon.

If you live in burger land, the navy/army/marines is dangerous to your health and limbs. If you live in a peaceful country like mapleland, its not a bad idea to try the military route if tech college route fails.

Whatever you do, I wish you success and future employment.

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 No.34026

File: 390baec2a9dac47⋯.jpg (89.29 KB,800x1031,800:1031,1465442241594.jpg)

Compared to some other posts on here, my ramblings are insignificant and petty.

I live a life of luxury and hedonism. For the duration of my time spent on this Earth, everything that I could want or need was given to me on a platter. I have never experienced a hard day's work, I have never studied nor have I had any form of employment. I am a product of modernity: the age of plenty. There doesn't seem to be a point in living. I agonizingly drift through life with no desire to do anything of value. The slightest discomfort wells the greatest of terrors.

I don't know how to expand on this.

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 No.34027

>>34026

Hey there friend.

I think I understand how you feel - Life can feel very empty if it's never "fought" for. That's not to say you should go out and live on the streets, or fistfight someone over a sandwich full disclosure, I've had to do both these things. Not my proudest days but maybe you can find a hobby that brings a bead of sweat to your brow, like woodworking, or building models?

Something that you can hold at the end of the day and say "I made that".

I knew a guy in school who built and flipped cars on Craigslist. He'd buy some broken-down POS, fix it up, and sell it for almost triple sometimes. He made money and always felt good about the time he spent.

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 No.34029

File: 7d03b106e1cefdd⋯.png (137.06 KB,739x791,739:791,1466992045509.png)

i feel pretty much cast out by the rest of the internet. i'm too autistic to enjoy social media, too socially retarded to use email/texting. i enjoy imageboards but i'm just so damn sensitive that one post could ruin my whole day, the only place i feel good is here but the board is just so damn slow.

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 No.34043

File: 165e1009983b5f2⋯.jpg (12.72 KB,229x350,229:350,1479815115234.jpg)

I'm infatuated with a girl I've never met. It's absolutely pathetic.

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 No.34150

I am a monster of a person. I will never be happy. That's all.

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 No.34162

>>34150

Find another monster; if you can handle it.

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 No.34174

File: 019421f948446b2⋯.jpg (107.3 KB,540x720,3:4,8a8816df2b38a7ffe3410cd034….jpg)

I ruined the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I was manipulative, insecure, possessive, and dishonest. I broke trust, and love. I lost a dear friend. I don't know if I can fix this, or redeem myself, but I've been given a chance, and I'm going to try my best.

It hurts so much, and It won't stop.

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 No.34214

File: c0a94bca946617e⋯.jpg (137.35 KB,960x806,480:403,1479522745443.jpg)

>>34029

Have you tried finding any discord or telegram groups? I don't know any off the top of my head, but I know there are plenty around for autistic anime sort of people.

>>34043

Depends who she is.

>>34174

You've learnt a lesson, though, and though it may be painful you've certainly gained experience. Good luck redeeming yourself, just be sincere.

Well my turn I guess. Second year of uni here. I feel so downhearted and lonely.

I really tried in the the first year, I went to social events, joined societies, etc. I made friends. Except I didn't. I tried… bonding with them. And it just didn't work. They weren't interested. There was always someone else more interesting for them to talk to, and I just couldn't get past the awkward acquaintance stage. Since then my world has been gradually getting smaller. I tried contacting a few old friends from school this summer (I was ok with making friends at school, even if I was shy and nerdy) and they all faded on me. None of my new "friends" cared.

Nowadays everyone seems set in their cliques. I sit alone in lectures and seminars. I try talking to people sometimes but it's difficult, they rarely seem interested and it just knocks my self-esteem down even further. I was put on medication and therapy for anxiety recently and, whist it has helped, it hasn't made my situation improve, nor do I feel much more capable of improving it.

My one friend, who does not go to my uni, is nice, and kind, but he's a bit out of touch. He has his own problems of course, ones that I myself probably don't understand properly in turn. But he does make me feel more depressed. He's one of those "just be yourself" sort of people. He's good looking, is quirky but in a an attractive way, has always been surrounded by friends and family, you get the picture. He doesn't have to put much effort in to get a girlfriend. He doesn't seem to understand me and, whilst I will always try to be his friend, it does make me feel even more lonely.

I don't really see a way out anymore. I guess I'm just destined to be lonely. I don't want to be.

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 No.34240

I want to kill myself but given how most of the means of doing so are not 100% and I'm a wuss, I can't do it.

Whilst can forget it somedays, the hopelessness is still there. What's the point.

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 No.34241

>>34240

Try unity development.

I can't get a job so I'm trying something. There is s lot of documentation. Maybe you'll like it. Maybe it will be a fulfilling hobby

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 No.34243

>>34241

As in the game engine? I hate Unity. It's probably not even the engines fault, but nothing made with it looks remotely good, and it's a shovelware engine. Sonic 2006 remake in it looked 'okay'.

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 No.34253

>>34243

Yea the game engine. I'm a complete noob. But I have an idea for a top down, 2D game. I'm unemployed so I might as well try to do something productive. I just picked unity because based on what I've read on internet forums its the easiest to use. Its also probably why there is all the shovelware garbage on it. I'm half way thru my 2nd tutorial/game. My biggest irk is that they made the vertical axis Y instead of Z. This bothers me greatly. I guess it won't be an issue once I start the 2d tutorials though

Having a goal, of any kind, and having work to do does wonder for the mind. I'm not happy or anything like that but I do feel somewhat better that I'm working towards something. Hope you find contentment; be it via meaningful action, inaction or eternal sleep.

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 No.34281

Less mopey. I have extreme social anxiety, to the point that if I'm any situation in public by myself, I visibly shake and panic. It's to the point it's almost debilitating to go to work by myself. Because of such issues, I have very few friends which causes me all manners of depression. How would you even fix that?

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 No.34282

File: 19bfd3f941df8dd⋯.jpg (70.31 KB,500x681,500:681,7bf6a8bc092cf2be51adda9055….jpg)

Again I find myself alone, and unloved. My own love has discarded me.

It's not as though I haven't made an effort. I posted contact info in a thread somewhere. A few people added me, but none of them care for me or are interested in me. I basically have to force and beg them to talk to me. Isn't that pathetic? Of what value are we if we have to do this? None. Worthwhile objects are cherished, and sought after. Worthless trash is thrown away and forgotten. It's just a fact that I have to accept.

If I'm to be honest I still haven't completely lost hope. Maybe I can find someone as desperate as they were again.

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 No.34310

File: bc7eec1f8389198⋯.jpg (49.65 KB,640x360,16:9,watamote_02_03_6.jpg)

Its 1AM and I cannot sleep.

The black well of mental void is a tantalizing place, yet now I am denied its embrace.

I must let my thoughts be known, I must shout to deaf ears. I know I am rude. I cannot deny the selfishness of my actions.

The self is all that exists now.

Time heals all wounds, time heals all the pains of life itself, yet now time slithers weighted down by the chains of perception with locks too strong to bend. I cannot think, I cannot breathe, I cannot believe in anything outside of the accursed emotion I possess.

I am sad. I am very sad.

The burdensome weight that I carry on my person drags me through hot coals on the ground. I am defeated by illness. I am defeated by outside influence. I am defeated by my successes. I am defeated by my want, desire and ambition.

I desire not to be sad.

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 No.34311

File: a0219fb3b499aae⋯.jpg (124.77 KB,736x736,1:1,525339cea8c522c37327ba0537….jpg)

>>34310

For decades I have pursued an end to self-loathing, yet its nine tails always whirl back behind me, providing me with the punishment I so rightly deserve. I should be grateful: Grateful for having all of my limbs, grateful to have all of my organs functioning, grateful for having not been abused, grateful to have been raised in a middle-class home.

I don't deserve it.

How many others could have benefited more from what I have than myself? How dare I remove that possibility and drop it into a bottomless well of despair? So many people NEED the accumulated assistance. And who am I to receive it? Selfish beyond compare.

And yet I selfishly crave an end to this drowning sensation, this asphyxiation on positivity. What is there to provide gratitude for if gratitude itself razes the mind of the worth it was intended to provide? Kindness wounds. Instead, it is chastisement that invigorates. The knowledge that if not I, than another will sup from the chalice of compassion. Perhaps all that is left to accomplish is excise the mental gangrene that infests this diseased psyche.

-But everyone deserves to be loved.

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 No.34312

File: 850b125640816b2⋯.png (81.55 KB,237x450,79:150,valen_preview.png)

>>34311

We are human, and with that comes limits. There is only so much energy a person can muster to assist an ailing acquaintance. Time takes tolls through tiresome turbulence.

Therefore, love is finite.

Notes should also be made of the amount of love it takes to please a person. Those surrounded by caring individuals will appreciate love more, as there is a further understanding. Those who separate themselves will reject love entirely, and punish those around them that try to provide it. Therefore, some people require less love than others.

So if it is stated that love is finite, than would not the goal be to maximize happiness by allowing the shallowest cups to be filled first?

-So fill up your cup

My vessel is damaged, and needs repair. Unfortunately, the metaphor falls flat here. That which repairs the vessel, also fills it. And to maximize happiness-

-The vessel must be repaired in order to provide more sustenance to others?

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 No.34313

File: 5d198b1563f210f⋯.jpg (58.76 KB,550x840,55:84,7677623_l.jpg)

>>34312

"It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men"- Frederick Douglass

Build the youth of tomorrow. Be the Catcher in the Rye. Ensure that broken vessels are reshaped during their forging. Don't let anyone become like you.

-But if you spend time with youth, are you not ensuring that they will become MORE like you due to your increased proximity?

!!!

-Its simple. Fill up your own vessel.

As a hermit.

-As an ascetic.

Foolishness. Redefining the argument does not make it new. Without logic, there is no case.

-Without faith, there is no hope.

So either I can be right and sad, or wrong and happy?

Ignorance must be bliss.

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 No.34314

File: 7065c551412d64b⋯.jpg (224.42 KB,990x1400,99:140,5062281 _4247d572718cb59bc….jpg)

>>34313

There. An emo rant in a sea of emo rants that takes up five posts (including this one) What do I win?

-pic related

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 No.34316

File: 0e6c49e96c38185⋯.gif (97.92 KB,250x261,250:261,giphy[1].gif)

>>34314

You win a hug!

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 No.34317

>>34316

>>34310

>>34311

>>34312

>>34313

In all seriousness though, I hope you feel a little better today.

While not entirely helpful, I can at least briefly share my own story.

To torture a metaphor, my vessel was broken. Whether it was broken by someone else, or if I shattered it into a million shards myself is another conversation altogether, though on the quieter nights like you describe, I'm inclined to believe the latter.

I think, maybe I broke it to protect myself. To remove from my core the threat that anything further can be taken. You probably know my story, I've written it here.

I can see how mad it would be for someone to choose not to own anything for fear of robbery, to sit in a dark room in an empty house, secure in the knowledge you have nothing a criminal might want. So why do I do that in my chest?

In my years, I learned that I can't install a lock on my heart. Perhaps that's my own ailing, perhaps I wasn't hugged enough as a child, perhaps that's part of being on the autism spectrum. I mean that unironically as well, I've a formal diagnosis and everything.

Regardless of the cause, lacking a proper lock and key, my only choice is to live in such a way that I have nothing to take.

I've learned to live with some approximation of happiness by finding joy, or at least fulfillment, in watching others and helping others fill their vessels with love. "I pride myself in being useful" is a phrase I say a lot. Usually, it refers to my knowing a bunch of practical skills or carrying around tools, but it goes deeper than that. I want to help people because that's the closest I can come to helping myself.

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 No.34431

i have an ear infection or something. i dont know if thats it exactly, i dont remember ever having one before. it really hurts, this is why babies scream

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 No.34461

File: aaffa9e8614cf61⋯.jpg (221.04 KB,1024x1024,1:1,there is nothing for me in….jpg)

Evening of New Years Day and I fucking total my car driving friends to a party. Sober as can be, wasn't speeding, I was just taking the corner and hit a patch of black ice and spun out into a fire hydrant. Fucking hell it's the last thing I need on my plate right now. I just landed a job 30 miles away, so I need a car to get to and from work every day, and I start in two goddamn days. I already have loan payments to deal with and now I have to dip into my meager savings just to barely stay afloat most of the time. Not to mention the added stress of dealing with insurance companies, police reports, towing fees, and hydrant repair fees. God fucking damn it's not even the worst part.

The worst, crushing feeling I have to deal with now is that I know it was my fault as the driver and it's my responsibility to make sure shit like this doesn't happen.

Luckily no one was hurt in the crash, but how the hell could I have lived with myself if someone was hurt or god forbid killed because of me.

And hell, my new years resolution was to quit smoking cigs and this bullshit had me burn through half a pack in a few hours.

Christ, I'm a goddamn mess right now.

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 No.34464

File: 2c90e5608a39042⋯.jpg (217.22 KB,649x1050,649:1050,2aef3f020c1106c6fcf4c3ca43….jpg)

>>34461

That sounds like an accident, don't blame yourself for it. I hope everything turns out okay!

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 No.34467

File: f090d540b061a58⋯.png (258.07 KB,1350x553,1350:553,where is my mind.png)

Repost from blog thread.

————————————————————

I thought of typing this a few days ago but I was too lazy and complacent to (one of my big problems) that the grandeur size of it all went to my head and all I remember conjuring was something grandeur and not the actual contents, I don't know what to type and this isn't all of it if I post it and most likely how it will turn out not even my true feelings, it will all be half-assed because I can't remember and the way I felt about what I was thinking is gone, things I remember I use to love and associate things with are gone and how they make me feel, any idea I like gets deleted by me, this has been happening since September, for the first time in my life I feel lost and lost the already ground I stood on which was just firmly-cobbled dirt but this it was stability and my stability.

I felt warm because I remembered this board and seeing a blog thread I could get an answer but the feelings I had were lost in abstract and translation, in my head whatever what was brewing on the whim was my fire ticket, I forgot what I was going to say and have become afraid to think, is my capability & capacity of thought outgrowing me. You grow up and you swap out good things for bad things, on a physical level, on all levels, I swapped my hectic sharpness with sterile maturity and let others influence me, I've been hanging around with people who are dumber than me or who I yell at repetitively and I myself got dumber, this happened in late July where I started seeing how I had to lose more complex vocabulary to communicate with these people and I've just been getting smarter while they stayed the same. Maybe I'm just growing up but I doubt it, I forced myself to act a certain way with current girlfriend which she was fine with how I acted before, I tried explaining to her what happened but I explained what superficially happened and she's fine with how I am now, the woman ruined, all the trials in my life and it's a woman who loves me that strikes me down, this crisis started with her. I wish I could remember everything I said when I first jumped into this spell to see what the old me said and how it reacted to it, I was a lot more self-aware and I'm now cloaking myself in different tastes but I want to be on top, I have built a personality but from depression not hard work and energy, I was always free-flowing, I have become cemented and don't hop around a lot. I think of how stupid people are, how could they be so stupid, and try to mold myself to be that stupid to understand, this also makes me dumb, the people who live in my head are dumb (I know for a fact they are and I'm not being delusional, and we're not talking about whether my interpretation is reliable), my head hurts constantly and I can feel blood ready to spurt out my nose (my ass has been bleeding recently), I get no stimuli and /r9k/ has destroyed me, I'm growing emotions and getting dumber (these two have correlation but I disregard every other correlation), I'm becoming pseudo-intellectual and pretentious embarrassing myself in front of her (I'm slipping up in front of her but I refuse to believe it's because I'm nervous because of her besides the time she read me and my mannerisms like a book which I could do too if I wasn't stupid), . I've become self-conscious and have I become too artsy, I'm becoming normal. I don't even know or care what to say anymore I've probably said enough (always justifications i.e. "I've" and uncertainty like "probably), I spent hours with this reply and really didn't give a fuck with it.

Merry Christmas.

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 No.34481

File: 0341e0d3e976651⋯.png (864.7 KB,960x720,4:3,depressed imouto.png)

I don't know what to fucking do, if anything at all. Wall of text incoming.

Backstory: I don't get to see my dad's side of the family very often because we don't live anywhere near close to each other. Among that branch there is this one household, the farther is a rocket scientist, the mother is an engineer. They have three daughters, my cousins, the oldest is schizophrenic/autistic and gets institutionalized for psychosis as often as their insurance allows, the youngest has a sever learning disability and only gets institutionalized sometimes, but the middle one on the other hand was born pretty much normal.

The rest of our family is full of nothing but geniuses/try hards. Engineers, psychologists etc. One of our cousins graduated salutatorian at harvard law. The least prestigious position anyone over 30 years old has involved leaving their technical jobs to become teachers in order to "feel more fulfilled" while their spouse raked in 100k+ more than one of those couples mind youfuck those guys , you get the picture. The expectations for intellectual success in our family are so high that the "asian/jewish parents are strict and demanding" meme made absolutely no sense to me while growing up. Whenever anyone made jokes about it I would think to myself "wow, I thought that was lenient or at least normal?"

I somehow made it through highschool by completely cutting myself off from my parents. Lied to them about literally everything involving school. Just sort of secluded myself and slept breezed/slept through all of my classes. Once in uni, I found out I had also completely cut myself off from my body emotionally, I didn't feel weed at all the first 10 times I smoked, and I only found out later it was a lot of high quality shit developed crippling depression and an anxiety disorder so severe that the my psychologist had never before actually seen someone functioning on a practical level with my symptoms I'm working on it, fuck you.

During last summer there was a wedding where I got to see my dad's side of the family for the first time in years. That middle cousin from that family was the only I really spent any time with while I was there, we basically just sat around for hours outside by ourselves mostly in silence poking our phones, talking occasionally. What I gathered during that time was that she was practically me when I was in middleschool if I was a girl, a kindered spirit, expect instead of being in absolute solitude in the middle of butt fuck nowhere, she had mentally disabled siblings that can't take care of themselves. Talking to my parents right after the wedding, apparently the whole family thought she was a "nice normal girl"

which was obviously not the case she is at least as fucked up as I was at her age, and thought it was perfectly normal to be shitposting in the wildwest of old half/b/

The farther is married to his job and is pushing all of his aspirations onto her, she is in some sort of honors STEM program, and the mother was a control freakfrom the beginning. For example, back when we were kids and they were visiting I tried putting on the first shrek movie, but the mother flipped out on me, yelling, screaming and turned it off because it was "too violent."

(1/2)

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 No.34482

File: e4cc5de00536e08⋯.jpg (72.79 KB,700x739,700:739,1412473543361.jpg)

NOW THE ACTUAL PROBLEM is that since the last time I saw her, she has seemingly finally broke and the parents actually began to notice her having problems. The school caught her "sexting" whatever the fuck that means these days on the laptop she got from that honors STEM program, she was cutting herself, she had "suicidal tendencies", probably doing some sort of drug on the side, you know, all of the normal stuff a nerdy adolescent girl bound in a ridiculous control structure is going to be doing 9 times out of 10 at her age. Pretty much expected.

Except now just a few days ago the parents decided to commit her to a psychiatric hospital for psychosis and stopped her from going to school. I mean, a break from her household will probably do her good, but this seems like an extreme way of doing it; especially with family in the area. Even then, at the end of the day, its just the same thing she was getting in her house, surrounded by the totally socially dysfunctional and the clinically insane, except when "pill time" is called she gets some arbitrarily decided mixture of anti-depressants, anti-psychotics, and tranquilizers instead of the vitamins she was getting so her sisters don't feel bad. Its not like the parents know any better, they are just handling it the same way the they do with the other two kids when they blow up and start trying to knife themselves or other family members. Yes, its common in that household.

I'm 99% sure she doesn't need to be in psychiatric hospital but she will be probably be out in a few weeks because of insurance complications. It might just be me being selfish and wanting to care for that cute little imouto that I always wished for, but I want to be there for her if it will help even if its just shitposting on skype but I'm not sure how to do that since messaging her out of the blue seems like it would be incredibly awkward. Even not asking specifically about hows she doing will just come across as "hey I heard you just got out of the insane asylum, want to talk about it?" I'm not even sure what the best place to talk to her is.

(2/2)

TL;DR want to help a junior high school imouto I don't talk to and can't go visit who is a potential femanon dealing with the usual bullshit we all went through. I'm not good at family stuff/communication, what do I do?

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 No.34512

My only friend killed himself a couple of weeks ago, don't really know how to feel about it since it didn't really affect the course of my life a lot but I do miss talking to him at times.

I wanted to post this because I just want to get it out.

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 No.34560

File: c4392d3c4e1ae47⋯.jpg (201.45 KB,850x1176,425:588,koma. isafjorour..jpg)

By a small chance you're reading this,

I read it, Slovenia.

I'm struck. I'm feeling dizzy. I'm almost crying. I don't know. I don't even know what to write. I'm trying to think of how to write this but I can't. I love you so much. I'm sorry. I'm pathetic. How can a person be so stupid as to feel so much over so little? It was all just that: a pair of flags, nice images and a few words on a screen. Despite being just that I hold these memories so dearly in my heart. And now that I have read that I feel dazed. I'm stupid. I told you you I wouldn't forget you. I was not lying. I said goodbye but I never left. Because I don't want to take this ahead. I'm the kind of person who breaks everything she touches. How can I risk it? How can I risk breaking this? I'm afraid. I don't know. By a small chance you're reading this, this is the truth. I want you to know that I love you so much. Whenever I go to bed, I hug my pillow and think of you. I want to be by your side and hold your hands. I want to help you. I want you to tell me everything you have felt in your journey through life so far and listen to your every word. And then I'd hug you and tell you it's all fine now, because we are together. I want to cuddle with you. I want us to sleep on the same bed. But I'm sorry. I can't take it. I'm paralyzed toes to head. Please just leave this be. I don't want to break this. But more than anything what I want is you to be happy. I want you to shine brightly. Shine brightly. I'm sorry. I can't really express myself. I don't know how else to put this. Be happy. I've been rewriting this over and over for hours and yet I can't find better words. I can't even find a good picture to share. I'm stupid. I love you. I'm a coward.

Please, please, be happy, by the small chance you're reading this.

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 No.34567

>>34482

Get going, be the older sibling that she never had. Controlling parents can leave a strain in the family that usually causes the opposite of what the parent wants. Just by being their for her will improve her position in life.

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 No.34571

File: 610dd3343abba9e⋯.gif (954.39 KB,500x281,500:281,d898f03bbd8b22b272c9ddffbd….gif)

>>34560

I don't know how to reply without repeating your post, because I feel the same way. Maybe it's for the better we just keep ourselves in memories and leave it be, I don't want to break it either. I know you probably didn't want me to reply, but I want to thank you for everything for the last time. You can't even imagine how much you have done for me, you gave me feelings I never thought I would feel. Please don't be so critical over yourself, you're not a coward or pathetic or anything bad, you're an angel if anything. I will try to be happy, but please you be as well ok? I love you, if there is a heaven and I somehow get in I hope we meet there.

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 No.34628

I feel I ought to share a little pleasure in my life. I'm not wealthy and only get by with the generousity of my grandpa letting me live in his house. It's sad to not have my own space (moving my mom's junk to give myself room to move around not getting privacy from siblings also trying to escape a worser household). I'm not handsome and am rather dumb, sickly and demotivated to anything. -but I've found a little relief, almost something that cheers me up, despite life not being anything how I like. It's a simple pleasure to just work to do yourself up nice. I struggle to even brush my teeth every day but when I get in the rhythm and add washing my face and special grooming to my daily routine it feels like a labor of love, that I'm at least loving myself to give myself that attention. I know it doesn't make me pretty but it makes me feel better at least, which is better than it sounds.

I hope you all can indulge in some unexpected comfort of your own.

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 No.34646

File: da49fe33aa475c2⋯.jpg (104.77 KB,827x868,827:868,1468000069500.jpg)

Gonna go ahead and say something here, just for the chance of someone replying with some sage wisdom. I need some stimulation. Like a lot of you, my life is lived mainly online.

I left (well, blocked) my only friend a little while ago. He just changed too much, too suddenly. We grew apart, and our relationship became strained. I tried to work it out with him, but he ignored my attempts. Said it wasn't worth the effort since we were just "online friends".

He was a bit twisted from the onset, but so was I. I empathized with him, and did my best to accommodate him. He thought I was an absolute angel for doing so and showered me with attention. For months, would spend every waking hour talking to each other, and we seemed to share a lot in common. Both of us thought we had found our BFF, after having been alone for all our lives. We always said "i love you" when either of us headed off to bed. We meant it, too.

But as they often say, "don't stick your dick in a crazy". I had noticed his strange tendency to jump from ideology to ideology, but it never directly affected our friendship, so I was generally willing to write the whole thing off as him being his eccentric self.

In reality, he was a bitter NEET who hated everything about the world around him. This lead to twisted headcanons he'd make up about life and morality. He would often take the ideas of actual thinkers, or even just lyrics from songs, and bend it into some school shooter /r9k/-type thing. Red flag, but I was just a dumb kid. I didn't understand the implications. But, eventually the crosshair trained itself on me. He had switched gears in his seemingly endless search for "the truth", now settling on religion. He went full throttle, and some of my hobbies (no abhorrent/gay stuff, but enjoying anything mainstream was now equivalent to me being a tranny or something) he now mocked openly and pressured me to stop.

He started analyzing what I typed for anything that could be construed as "gay". We used to act like cuteboys with each other, so I guess he reacted hard trying to phase that out of his new, God-fearing life. We weren't gay, and he knew that, so him being so adamant about it was just laughable.

He decided I was no longer good enough to be his #1, and spent all his time playing games with other friends who I guess were exempt from his crusade for purity. He stopped talking to me for the most part. Months of me stupidly clinging to this sinking ship later, and he gets me into a call out of the blue. I'm excited because I never gave up on possibly getting past this rough patch, and maybe we can rekindle the flame by shooting the shit like we used to. And so it was - for maybe an hour? Then I made a joke, hinting at him being a pedo after he gushed about some 15 y/o kid he knew on Steam. Yeah, it was in poor taste, but I was just filling the air. Of course I wasn't seriously accusing him of being some degenerate, but boy he sure took it that way. He called me "disgusting" and tried to force me to apologize. I was a little pissed at how ridiculous he was being, so I refused. He left the call and set himself to offline.

Enough was enough. I dropped him a short farewell note before blocking him.

I joined a Discord group pertaining to an interest of mine and tried to make friends. These guys are total normals and I don't really understand them at all, but I thought I could do my best to be sociable anyhow. I did okay, but I'm already tired of trying. I guess I just got too used to having a close friend, and I can no longer stand being fake. I want to be able to just put myself out there and have people react, but nobody's biting. I haven't posted in that group for a few days now.

Overall, my life has improved since leaving him. I'm no longer an emotional wreck, constantly worrying about him and how to make everything gravy again. I'm looking after myself more, and I can say that I've grown quite a bit as a person from that experience. My only issue atm is loneliness.

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 No.34649

File: fa757b8378bf640⋯.jpg (287.02 KB,1000x1000,1:1,1473622845645.jpg)

>>34646

I don’t wish to false flag you into thinking this anything close to “sage advice” but I feel compelled all the same to offer a perspective from someone who relates.

I think it’s natural for friends to come and go. Whether things just slowly dye down over time, or something big occurs and creates a split. I’ve experienced both of these with friends of my own, and when I found myself with a split, it’s almost always because of myself. So I actually found myself relating to your friend, in the same way someone might find themselves relating to Charles Manson. Which is to say I don’t condone what your friend did, nor do I think you were wrong for cutting it off.

I have gone through violent changes in short spurts of time, creating friction with previous acquaintances. These were often the result of my own heavy insecurities. I wanted to find the right way of going about life. What typically occurs is that I’d develop an unnaturally large ego, and like a crusader, I felt the need to strike others down who did not meet my imaginary standards, the very standards I myself am unable to uphold.

The reason I mention this at all is merely to outline my understanding of both sides. Which isn’t to say I can, nor should, speak on his behalf. Only that I, myself, have had a similar mindset. A mindset of self-proclaimed riotousness, which in truth, for me anyway, was merely a cover up for my own inadequacies.

Now, with this great loss of some very close friends, regardless of which side one finds themselves on. One can either withdraw or grow out. Or in normie terms, just keep trying. (I warned you this wouldn’t be anything sage worthy.) Now, with most normie quotes is the ever popular saying of “easier said than done” applicable. And such things are no different here. But really, most friendly encounters are merely chance. And if you don’t play you can’t win. (I would like to take a moment and say this is the important point I’m trying to get across. It is hard and shitty to wade through normal bull crap, but only when facing others can these chance encounters occur. Now I will return to my regularly scheduled spergy wall of text. You can continue on if you wish, but to spare you the time, what value to be found here is mainly going to be the tiny bit I took the time to outline.) It is frustrating to be bombarded with seeing people who are happily aligned with each other, finding ways to relate that would seem trivial or asinine to more introverted people such as myself, and mayhaps even you, if you would allow me the opportunity to make great, broad, generalized assumptions for the sake of brevity.

Returning to the point of how friends come and go, what this infers to when simply put: don’t put all of your chips on one person. People change. And with change comes natural friction. Some don’t adapt well to certain kinds of change, and some changes are so great, most people would be unable to adapt regardless. For a best-case scenario, you need multiple pals to fall back on. Which is awfully shitty of me to say considering your difficulty of being able to find even one. But hey man, nothing personal. It’s just how it is…

I use Discod and I’ve joined my own groups with the same intent as you. And often times it leaves me feeling like wanting to die seeing everyone in their tight little nich circle jerks. But through the fecal and the farts I carried on. And because of such endeavors I have been able to meet for myself a slew of half way decent people who I love very very much.

If anything else, I would like to elaborate the value that is how in spite of your loss, you still gained in the end. Which isn’t to devalue the relationship you are no longer have…, but more so to shine a light on the fact that from here you can sorta do whatever you want to. Where’s he at? He’s stuck limiting his world to appease some other worldly deity. He’s given himself up only for an end result similar to when I offer my daily bodily sacrifice to my big eyed, benevolent waifu deities. A pinge of momentary gratification, followed by a dim afterglow at the realization of the futility of it all.

So take heed and conquer the world. Limitless you are, contained only by the shackles of your own imagination. It is you who decides how long such shackles are. Or better yet, you simply imagine them gone from the get go. Or just say fuck everyone and become a self-absorbed butt chugger like me who only cares about his personal endeavors and crafts.

The choice is yours and your alone.

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 No.34651

File: 6d75762ea2b443e⋯.png (95.58 KB,252x460,63:115,6d75762ea2b443e23fc099d7ed….png)

>>34649

Wow, wasn't expecting a reply so soon.

Well, what can I say? Everything you said is true. I was dumb to depend so heavily on him, it shouldn't be that way with anyone. I actually had another friend who drifted away while I was enamored with the guy I talked about. He wanted to pursue some interest, so he moved on to others after being exclusive with me for months. I didn't mind that he and I didn't talk every day anymore since I had the time-bomb to frolic with.

It's funny that you explicitly relate to my experience. I had read some posts on this site during and after that whole debacle in various "mope" threads that were eerily similar to my story. In fact, one was so similar that I seriously suspected it was my friend. However, not every detail was parallel, so that's that put away I guess.

It's a big world with a lot of people, I suppose. Glad you found your way.

And about your Discord experiences, I totally relate. These normals speak in their own retarded lingo made up of outdated memes. Makes me wanna end it all. How are people this lame? They call themselves "memers" but they can't even do that right. And this is coming from a guy who hates memes. It's like someone made a personal hell just for me. Lamest clique ever, seriously.

I was actually considering joining another group related to one of the smaller boards on this site, but I've been mulling it over for a couple of weeks now. Do I really want another friend? I'm totally free to do what I want right now, and if I get involved with someone again, I'll be limited based on their opinions. Sometimes I really want someone who's sort of on my level to talk to, but I'm not sure it's worth it.

I feel like I'm only at 100% when I have someone to "come home to", in a manner of speaking. Maybe I'm just being childish.

Anyway, thanks for catching the word wall I threw out.

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 No.34672

File: f9dc90bc5422e01⋯.png (470.38 KB,840x630,4:3,1480109676017.png)

>>34651

No prob bob, I’ve been catching things since my conception. Your post was no trouble.

It’s easy to get caught up in bullshit and lose sight of things. Happens to everyone, so don’t get too down about it. Not that you where, but…, ah screw it, you understand. (I hope)

And yes, I too have also found myself projecting my history onto certain mope threads and posts. Shit’s eerie. From a psychological point.

But like the endless barrage of trinkets to be discovered in an early era 3d platformer, friends can be found everywhere. And not only that, but where you go searching can help dictate the quality of said friend from the get go. Or at least give you an idea. As a side note /furry/ was and is a shit hole for friend finding. Anyway.

I often find myself too occupied for people either way. Wage slaving is bad enough, but I’m too intertwined with my own goals when off the clock for my own good, and tend to disappear for a bit because of it. Being a good opportunity to start up on something you’ve found yourself too busy to ever get into previously, is something else that is definitely worth considering.

But yeah, for whatever reason, Discord just ain’t the best of places for amigo wrangling.

Ah well. It’s a dog eat dog world, and I hope you’ve built up quite an appetite for yourself.

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 No.34789

File: a928dd2af5521e0⋯.png (47.25 KB,500x430,50:43,1413729160040.png)

I don't even know how to put my feelings into words. I'm completely empty, dead inside, like I was born without a soul and I hate being alive, always have. I can't even maintain lately I feel like crying all the time. I can see how I'm destroying my family by being alive, I'm a constant burden to them. I'm making the only person who cares about me, my mom sad since I'm depressed and unhappy all the time and it's only making me more depressed and I feel like even a bigger burden than before. I wish I could fake happiness for her sake like I used to, but it's getting way too hard. I don't even know why I'm writing this, I guess I need to get in of my chest somewhere and I don't think the god is listening. Everyday it's only getting worse and worse, I don't even know anymore. I want to end it so badly, but I'm scared to do it, why is it so tough to end your life, why am I such a coward? I'm sick all the time, I'm falling apart in all senses of the word. I'm so tired of it all. I feel like I age a year every week and I do not want to get any older. I'm afraid of it. I'm afraid to face life, I'm afraid of everything. I don't fit in this world I'm not built for it. I feel exhausted just from living, I wake up exhausted I have absolutely no energy. I always had an eating disorder and barely ate something, but now I can't even eat one bite of food. I feeling so extremely unhappy, I can't even describe it. Every night I cry myself to sleep hoping I will die, but always wake up the next morning. I'm getting dizzy from writing this. I'm sorry, I feel like I need to apologise to everyone, especially my mom just for being born and then for staying alive. I don't know… Does it get any better? I don't know why I'm even lying this to myself anymore. What do you think happens after we die?

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 No.34797

i hope you don't mind if i vent here a little

some people go around saying their life is "a mess". with me i think it's worse, i think my life is a mistake

the first thing you should know is that i wasn't born by mistake: you see, before i was conceived, my parents already had 2 sons. sadly, one of them (which we will call A) died very young, at age 4 from a lung disease , before i even ever met him

this of course had a tremendous impact on my family, i mean, i wasn't around yet to see it, but one can imagine it

and i can observe it still today, in particular in the way i was born. i was born 4 years after A died, which makes it a total of 8 years from the period my parents were having my brothers (they were born at one year of distance from one another) if i was in their plans since the beginning they would have probably made me in that period, instead of 8 years later

basically, what i'm trying to say is that this together with other things such as the fact that i bear A's name as my second name make it quite obvious that i was born as a replacement of A, to fill the void that he left when he died. it does not take a genius to deduce that

now, keeping all of this in mind, let's move on to my life

my life is… well, a disaster. i have failed in literally every field i could fail, and i don't even know where to begin to describe it

i am of course a kissless virgin (not hugless though, i managed to get one when i was 13 and that's the furthest i've ever gone), but by now i hardly even care about it, and because of conditions i'm not even going to waste time explaining, it's fairly certain that i'll never come out of it and i'll always be alone, so let's just leave that aside and move on

i am also a neet and a slacker, and worse than that, a burden. i don't have a job, i failed university, i have no idea what to do. i came to realize some time ago that this is actually the symptom of some greater problem, and that problem is that i have no idea what to do with my life

in all honesty, i have no direction whatsoever. i changed high school (my country has different high school types with different subjects which lead to different job/university leads) like 3 times before i was even legally adult, i was completely lost already back then

after that i failed university, i tried pick up a job at mcdonalds but didn't get it because i acted all autistic at the job interview and that's it, the closest i've ever been to having a job was showing up at my father's shop to give a hand, without doing anything important or remarkable anyway. so there it is, i lack any particular talent or motivation not just to merely find a job, but also to have a direction and generally move on with life. i have no place in the world.

to have a place in the world, that is a very important thing actually. without it you feel like you're not even actually living, you're just there

and to be honest, i don't feel that way only because of the job thing, i can feel it in everyday life and talk, when i interact with other people. well, it's not like i interact with tons of people aside from my parents now, but the few times i do and the many memories i have from school are enough to get a picture

i don't know how to describe it, there are a lot of times i act, how to say, wrong

sometimes it's just little things, like a word of two said out of place, or things i say that don't fit or whatever. many small things, or at least mostly small things, sometimes they are bigger and lead to me being clumsy or cringy (i have a large collection of cringy moments from school in my memories), but let's say many small things put together, which make me feel somewhat out of place, or even worse, they make me feel wrong

and that's why i see my life as a mistake, my life is wrong in some way, that is ultimately what tears me down. it makes me feel like a useless extra to the world, something who shouldn't even be there

and it makes me sorry for my family, who probably conceived and raised me with high hopes for me, hoping to see a redemption for A's loss in me, and instead ended up with what i am now. but that's indeed my ultimate concern: i don't think they should have done that. making me was a mistake

looking at it now, i brought more worries and problems to my family than i ever resolved anything, i went wrong. my birth, my life, my existence was a mistake, they should have found another way to deal with their loss, and i'm terribly sorry for them because of that

my life is a burden both for me and for my parents

it's better if i stop here. there are many other small things which make my life miserable of course, but i think the ones i just exposed are the major ones which bring me down the most

i'm sorry if maybe i sperged out too much, i don't really have many more places to get shit out of my chest like this

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 No.34841

File: 0a3a5a48c377ef9⋯.jpg (97.52 KB,576x490,288:245,1484366915926.jpg)

I don't know why I'm still here either. I'm completely dependent on my parents because I was sheltered since I was very young due to my sickness. I'm not good at social interaction so I always come across as strange. My friends don't really talk to me that much because they can't always relate to what I say and no one understandably wants to deal with a burden. I feel completely empty inside, completely bored, and nothing's going on for me. I'm just totally talentless. I thought I had a skill for writing but I'm just mediocre. I'm trying to create a novel but every single time I write I start loathing myself even more that it's a torture to continue. But I do anyway because it's the only way I can actually feel something intensely. I just wish that something interesting will happen to me that will just take me out of this hellhole of a vacuum.

In a few weeks my mother might have to go away for a long while as my sick, verbally abusive dad stays with me. I'm trying not to think about it but it invades my head every once in a while and it stings like hell.

I wish I could have a friend that truly cared. Maybe I do, I was just being an asshole about it. People tell me I offend them sometimes even if I don't intend to.

I'll live life knowing I have nothing going on for me, and I'll die without myself going through substantial change.

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 No.34842

File: 7eea503c7bd7e5a⋯.png (165.41 KB,316x615,316:615,1482831225155.png)

>>34841

I can definitely relate to you for most things you said, especially being empty. I would want to be your friend, if you have a steam or email I would love to talk to you time to time. Good luck to you regardless.

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 No.34863

File: 3933bcd141946d7⋯.jpg (253.5 KB,1157x2048,1157:2048,1483507158190.jpg)

>>34842

I also would like to be your friend. You can email me at platinumb@teknik.io if you wish.

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 No.34943

File: cb479a79dffdc6d⋯.png (547.71 KB,529x703,529:703,sad twink.png)

I’ve been going through a bit of reoccurring grief and I just seem unable to shake it completely. Not to be a gloat, but I have so many good things in my world. Good friends, good family, okayish place to call home. But, for whatever reason I just seem to always come back to thinking about what I’ve lost. The things I no longer have. And it’s been eating away at me for what feels like a month now.

I’ve never seen myself as one to hold onto things. And yet, well, here I am. It’s natural for people to come and go. I get that. But that doesn’t make it sting any less. And the person I can’t let go of, his departure must have been over a year ago.

I’m not mad at anyone, maybe at myself a little, but it’s nothing super extravagant. It’s just frustrating to hold onto emotions I know are irrational and dumb. A part of me feels like if I were to let go, I would lose the happy memories, and all the good times we had. But at the cost of hindering me being able to make more good memories, and have more good times here in the present? I don’t know, it just feels like it would be such a betrayal to what we had. Betraying something that no longer even is, could you imagine anything more brain dead than that?

No matter how hard I try to put my focus elsewhere, it always keeps coming back, like the flees in my cat’s fur. And I just want to let go and be done with it. So, why don’t I? Such an easy answer, and I still don’t know. Oh well, I reckon that’s just life. We all win some and lose some. Easy come easy go and what not.

I’ve got a hunch things will get better down the road. It’s just going to take me longer to get there with these emotional shackles on my ankles. But at the same time, it’s by carrying such burdens that we can become stronger, I suppose.

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 No.34968

>tfw only 30$ left on my bank account

Have mercy on me, Allah.

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 No.35316

File: 980669edf3f60fc⋯.jpg (15.47 KB,129x212,129:212,a980669edf3f60fcf8798680f7….jpg)

i hate living, i want to die and i feel like i can't exist and be happy beyond this point in time. and that things will only get worse from here on for me. no matter what i do, i can't prevent it.

sorry if its overly vague and a shitpost but i'm typing from the heart here.

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 No.35332

OP here. It's been quite a while since I've been on this board. As I've said in so many posts I'm quite the simpleton who can't get his affairs in order and I sort of rely on interacting with people online to keep me chugging along Then again I'm so empty that I'll essentially endlessly stare into space until something decides to shake things up and take a shit on my day. -but the point is I crave someone to be there very much whenever I have free time.

I feel it's worth attempting (though sure I'll fail) to explain how I treat relationships. I try and keep how many people I know few because I'm always afraid of how forgetful I am. In addition to that I have a bit of an intense fondness to people I feel have developed some type of importance to me and I want to shower them with my warm feelings. That kind of love might be the only thing that can really drive me in life. The problem is that I know there's pressure from it on the receiving end and the last thing I want to do is hurt people precious to me.

I know full well that everyone has a life and things they do for their own sake and I can't always expect one of ten people to be around the late hours of the night to calm my loneliness and other easilly accumulated (and repeated) feelings. There's surely some sweet spot of a number of people I can devote myself to and I need to reach it. I hope this all doesn't sound incredibly petty, but in the end I just wish to plug my Skype for attention.

Skype:shammyal011

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 No.35342

>>34789

I understand the feeling of nothingness in one's self and the spiraling anxiety of the constant reminder that you hate yourself and life. I'm a big old dummy who can't promise much more than an ear but if you have the patience I would like to talk to you, hopefully manage to provide some degree of comfort.

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 No.35347

>>35342

Thank you anon, you're very kind, but if I'm being honest things are kind of improving for me. Most of the post still stands, but at least a have something to look forward now, something to get up for.

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 No.35352

>>35347

Wanna share? I for one would like to hear things going right for somebody here.

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 No.35360

>>35352

I met someone very special to me who's motivating me to fix myself and improve, so that's what's driving me forward, as for now I'm focusing on my physical health and hopefully my mental one will follow, to be honest it already does a bit.

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 No.35384

File: 69825fe85aecc90⋯.jpg (95.27 KB,1280x720,16:9,1425670405252.jpg)

I didn't ask to be born poor. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it, other than

Everything I enjoy could be taken away overnight, I can't find peace unless I make myself forget about it for a moment.

I pass the time amusing and impressing shitposters on an italian bronze carving forum, giving people free work and advice

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 No.35385

File: 5f6a2b59174247a⋯.jpg (10.5 KB,564x644,141:161,2.jpg)

>>35384

Other than waiting until something kills me or I decide to do it myself.

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 No.35416

File: 01f2a321863e6fb⋯.jpg (99.66 KB,1024x689,1024:689,01f2a321863e6fb1df917e880f….jpg)

Today i lost my relationship with my dad which i hardly knew. And my dream car, which i nearly inherited. I spent 3 summers and every holiday to make it run, to make it pass inspection and to make it look good. Hand-crafted cloth seats, roof and even gear lever. But it is gone now.

I never realy had much hopes of getting it, as well as ever having a normal father/son relation. Though now i have absoloutely lost it. It would ahve hurt much more if i had expectiations, but i thankfully did not have much.

I just finished doing 2 A4 pages of calculations to occupy my mind. It did not help much.

I do not feel bad. But i feel more than usualy. Not any especial emotion. A mix of at least 5 of them. And they are conflicting. So i end up feeling… a feel.

Anyway, post something nice to make me not think of that. I know you can do it.

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 No.35417

>>35384

You always have a choice in life other than go to sleep. You just have to see it. You can drop all conections with people you know, change a phone number, email, and walk away. Then kitchhike a car to somewhere. Then from wherever it takes you to somewhere further. Repeat for a week and you should be far away and nobody will find you easily. Though leave them a note that you have not died and chose to do this, or you might worry someone.

Finding a new home and job is not hard. Neither is getting to know new people. Though why would you need them.

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 No.35506

File: faa9d4b9d5c5142⋯.png (70.7 KB,703x822,703:822,1450742848854.png)

Not sure how to word this but I'll just be brief: Going to quit imageboards and delete my *chan folder, I might dump it for others. I need to move on with life, my friends. I love you all.

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 No.35513

File: ca9e9461db32d9a⋯.jpeg (470.19 KB,1100x799,1100:799,2011-03-16-384209.jpeg)

>>28201

I don't want help with my problems. Honestly I don't know if I can fix them anymore

But maybe a hug would be nice

Because the world is so dark and scary and I don't know what to do>>28201

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 No.35520

File: 86cb21c29ab903d⋯.jpg (55.63 KB,465x650,93:130,11872627.jpg)

>>35513

>But maybe a hug would be nice

Don't do that stuff, anon, it's worse than drugs. I've found the strength to drop weed as a teen, but hugs? Man, it's a one-way road.

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 No.35534

I will kill myself very soon.

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 No.35536

>>35534

Why? Consider watching the stream with us, at least.

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 No.35537

>>35536

I can't watch streams.

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 No.35630

File: 81a68cb095a975c⋯.gif (1.11 MB,720x1100,36:55,cc41da8e58a69bc99766c5e4cd….gif)

I am not very good in group settings for games (since I really only have online friends), especially with friends and their friends. I often feel very unwelcome or ignored despite trying to interact accordingly.

For example, sometimes I'll post a message in a game and no one will respond. Even rarer are the times I've been on voice, I'd say something multiple times and be ignored, only to find out my voice was made fun of by a few people later.

I've been stuck wondering if this will ever go away. I am afraid to play games with friends to the point where I feel like I'll never play in a group setting again, let alone playing a game with a friend is very tough for me now just because I feel like they won't have any fun playing with me.

It sucks to see friends of friends all add each other and get together and play all the time while none of them add you, let alone want you around. I remember a specific instance where I was actually added, but anytime I tried to message, I was just ignored.

People just seem very hurtful to me, and it's hard to trust. I feel like I've forced myself into a nice little hiding spot alone just to make sure I don't get upset and do anything irrational anymore.

Maybe I am overly sensitive, maybe I am paranoid and even overthink these things. But it's hard not to when the past several months I've failed to properly be involved, let alone welcome.

The last time I played with my friend and their friend for example, they just made fun of my performance and their friend teamed upon me over it, publicly in game. I understood it, but when you don't get to play anymore cause no one wants to play with you or talk to you about the game, I think it's reasonable to not be any good at said game.

But that's just an example. I just worry I won't play with my friends ever again because I am not welcome nor wanted. Hard to accept and hard to circumvent, but I think I do a good job by just restricting myself to games they don't play so I don't feel lonely. Though, I do wish I could find a better way to cope or understand why I'm not wanted anymore.

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 No.35648

File: 23e14db4526c50a⋯.gif (950.86 KB,245x180,49:36,tumblr_m2jm2cUDLl1qay81po3….gif)

>>35630

>Maybe I am overly sensitive

Only a little. Although present day social norms might say otherwise.

>maybe I am paranoid

Don't think so.

>and even overthink these things.

Likely, but doesn't seem to be the case in this instance.

>it's hard to trust

Welcome to being an adult in the social media age.

You are giving the impression of being eloquent enough and, what's worse, your grammar seems immaculate to me (although ESL-friend opinions are to be taken with a pound of salt in such instances, of course). Nowadays most people interpret those as signs of condescension or arrogance. That might not apply to tabletop groups if that's what you are talking about, but I won't be surprised if it is only socially acceptable IC.

Furthermore, have you ever felt like you're using slightly different versions of communication protocols when trying talk to other people? Pardon for the clumsy figure of speech, can't think of a better way to say it no matter what.

Tl;dr well-adjusted people tend to dislike those who stand out without being charismatic enough to be perceived as leaders because they see it as attempts to improve social standing at their expense. Apes are fun.

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 No.35708

I still want to kill myself. It's not going away. Nothing good has ever happened to me.

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 No.35709

>>35708

Tranny?

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 No.35712

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 No.35719

>>35712

Then that's one really shitty thing that's not happened to you and you can at least try to be glad about this. Have a good day, anon.

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 No.35762

I can't sleep. I'm having attacks every night. I'm dying. I start coughing and it intensifies. God it hurts my throat and chest so much. And I can't stop coughing. I cough for hours straight like a dying 90 year old man. From 3 to 5 hours. And then there is all the sneezing and irredimably disturbing itching in all parts of my body during the whole time. There's a point my head starts hurting, it's a terrible headache. I start yelling "help!", "I can't stand this anymore", "what did I do to deserve this?" "heeeelp!!" in extreme agony. I feel like an animal, no more than an irrational, non sentient animal driven by instinct as I desperately beg for it to stop while crying powerlessly. Its so much pain, it's like intense and prolonged torture. The cherry on the cake is how my single mother reacts. Being the loving person she is, she completely ignores me, she doesn't even look at my face, she acts like nothing is happening. At best she'll shout something like "shut up already, friendgot" and then go back to whatever she was doing. I haven't slept in 3 days straight, I haven't had a good sleep in over 10 days and I haven't slept well for an entire week for some 5 years now. I think this experience by itself is a good portrait of my life as a whole.

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 No.35778

>>35762

>And I can't stop coughing. I cough for hours straight like a dying 90 year old man.

Sounds like bronchitis, you should see a doctor as soon as possible. If it started recently you can still nip it while it's still acute instead of chronic.

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 No.35816

>>35506

Same anon here, just popping in to let you guys know that I'm still of the chans. I feel a little more free.

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 No.35826

Decided to kill myself and am on my last days of life. It feels different and at the same time no different from normal. I can't explain this feeling, I mean, knowing you're going to die and you have just a few couple days left of life.

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 No.35827

>>35826

How are you going to go about doing it, and what made you finally decide enough is enough? Apathy is strange like that.

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 No.35829

>>35826

For me it was huge relief. Unfortunately plans had to change and I'll have to linger for a while. Good luck.

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 No.35830

>>35829

What kind of plans kept you from the deep sleep? Must have been pretty important

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 No.35837

File: 0d0d541a15da53c⋯.png (630.75 KB,1051x686,1051:686,image.png)

I can't go a day without a substances (atm just pot ) due to feeling utter boredom about everything in my life,I just don't even know anymore what ever vestiges of motivation I had are gone, I just sit all day here contemplating when to smoke pot or when to feel self introspection and just aimlessly lament in my mind.

I wish I had hugs but I don't have any motivation to talk to people after knowing how inept I am at social interaction. The amount of people I've pissed off or just lost contact with on the net is telling.

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 No.35853

>>35837

Harsh but I get the feeling I was like that but I had to quit so I could get a decent paying job so now I drink far more which is counterproductive and far more damaging. Still feel the same way I just try to dfisyra f myself with booze. Why do you think you piss people off and what makes you lose contact?

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 No.35897

I hate myself. I'm ugly, unsociable, and just plain weird. Ever since I was a kid the idea of being in a relationship made me sad for the other person. My only redeeming quality is my slightly higher than average intelligence, but my siblings have that in addition to being enjoyable people to be around. I feel like I've done nothing but disappoint my father. The only reason I haven't committed suicide is because I don't want to burden my family.

Sorry for the ranting, I'm not good at writing

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 No.35902

File: ef38dfb12fab4b8⋯.jpg (630.69 KB,1920x1080,16:9,sad sit down you got your ….jpg)

When I was a child I have been sexually molested by my grandfather, I did not know anything about sexuality near that time, so I somehow thought it was normal. And family always said for me to always trust elderly people and so.

My father is a bipolar man who is absolutly draconian when it comes to school and grades. Even when I did good, by good I mean an average of 7,X points he would still scream at me, he would spend whole hours screaming very loudly and it looked as he was going to hit me anytime.

All this made me completly fucked up on the brain.

I have failed university and thus the screams will visit me again.

I have always been kind, while everyone around me acts like a caveman for nothing, it seems as all my deeds were not worthy of anything, and suffering was all they gave me.

Slowly I have detached myself from people around me, until it the only remaning are my parents. What's even worse is that all I wanted was to live a happy live, completly free of discussions and all that hectic and vicious enviroment. But, now, seem that as a platonic delusion, each day I am tempted with thoughs of violence and retribution, there's one part of me that wants to give it back to those who wronged me, but at the same time I know that it is not a very good idea.

My grandfather, the one that wronged me, is also coming to spend some time on my house soon, and I will be forced to walk to the beach and similar things with that creature.

I also have failed the driving test 4 times, I can even pick a car and drive around, but everytime that I go to the test I fail miserably, all my HS acquatainces, who I only used to speak by brief encounters at the university, these brief encounters served only to talk about tests and driving tests, it was unbearable, they were there for the sole reason of being a remainder of my failures.I can't even talk to them anymore, when I was still at university I would hide in the part of the building that they don't go to until the time for them to leave came.

The only times of my day that I can sense some happiness is when I am doing something consired escapism, but with all that happened to my grades, I won't even have that anymore.

I just wanted to tell those things to somebody, and /kind/ anons are the best people that I know of. I have never told that to anyone.I expecet to find some type of release by this.

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 No.35909

>>35830

A grieving close family member. Can't force him to endure this again, gonna have to try and endure existence some more myself.

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 No.35910

>>35897

Pretty much the same, except no siblings and have plenty of room to disappoint dad even further. In fact that's the reason why I'm going with the peaceful pill instead once I can't take it any more.

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 No.35917

File: abce69b8e164128⋯.png (54.92 KB,210x480,7:16,abce69b8e1641282cede7afe14….png)

I don't really know why I'm posting here, but I guess I need a bit of positivity or some advice.

>be me, 24 nearly 25 years old

>dropped out of school with one semester left due to mental health getting worse

>no job

>no friends

>no money

>I don't know what I'm doing with my life and I feel trapped.

>I want to travel or get out and do stuff and experience life

>I can't drive, and have no money to go anywhere

>every day I'm trapped in my house with nothing to do and no one to talk to

>medication doesn't help

>I have severe depression and on top of that I have anxiety and fibromyalgia

>can't even get weed (which would help the nerve pain and depression) because I don't know any dealers or anything.

>I had Electroshock therapy done a few years ago, and that helped some but I eventually slipped back into depression.

>can't go back and get it again because it's too expensive and I don't want to risk damaging my memory

>I want to get better but I just can't find a way out and I need help

>I feel like I'm drowning and there's no land in sight

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 No.35923

>>35917

I appreciate the admin/janitor that moved my post to the relevant thread rather than outright deleting it.

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 No.35928

File: f4ef1d4a9783b61⋯.webm (5.48 MB,800x460,40:23,Karen smile.webm)

It feels like my heart is giving out. Every few minutes I get a slight pain right underneath it and my pulse skips once. To me that sounds really bad, but I went to see a doctor today but he didn't seem to worried and sent me home after scheduling some tests for a few weeks from now.

To me it seemed like he just didn't know what the fuck was going on and was just hoping I didn't die between now and then. This might be my last post here, it was a good run.

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 No.35932

>>35917

If he didn't seem worried and didn't give you special instructions to avoid stress or anything like that, I don't think you're in any danger. I'm sure you've overthinking things, don't worry.

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 No.35942

>>35928

I have a very similar thing. You will have an ECG done and they will probably tell you it is nothing but that won't convince you if you're anything like me. I don't really know what to say to help but the chances of having a serious heart issue just randomly manifest if you're relatively young, healthy and not addicted to cocaine are very low. I didn't know this but apparently anxiety can manifest as chest pains so every time I have been to the doctor with chest pains they see I have anxiety and write it off as that, but maybe they're right since it's been going on for a few years now and I'm not dead yet. I don't know if this helped. Good luck friend

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 No.35951

>>35928

>>35942-san is most likely right. I have heart issues on my record, but going on ECG-checkups after yet another bout of heavy chest-pains only for them to tell you that it's nothing is pretty disheartening. You should be able to write it off as tiredness, lack of sleep or anxiety. Please try to take it easy!

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 No.35990

>>29209

>>29211

Join our Discord server, let's talk! I'll want to give you some advice on those problems

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 No.36010

>>35928

Strange, this exact thing has happened to me before.

My heart would randomly skip a beat every once and awhile and i'd get this strong sting feeling in my chest.

Doctors just wrote it off as being in my head, despite me feeling actual pain.

I've managed to go about 4 years just ignoring it, so it's probably nothing serious.

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 No.36038

>>35816

Same Anon, relapsed and went on 4/fit/ but I'll be off again.

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 No.36123

Having autism is basically being an annoying pile of shit that nobody wants around.

You grow to hate yourself so much because being extremely annoying is just an irremovable part of who you are. You feel disgusted when you see yourself in a mirror. You want to go to sleep partially so the end can stop, partially because you know you'll be doing society a favor. You grow to isolate yourself. Even if someone so extremely kind was to extend his or her hand to help me you would refuse because you know that this person like everyone else who said would understand you is just going to end up telling you the truth. That you are an annoying retard. You're useless. You're worse than a 7 year old. You had a weirdo childhood. You were the clown of the classroom. The one kid even teachers would bully, laugh at, humiliate, make jokes of. You are treated like a subhuman. You are treated like something disgusting. Worse than an animal. Worse than a hobo or a stray dog. You have the most things to say and at the same time is the one with the least people to hear it even if just one fraction of it. Your parents hate you. They gave up on you. You're a disappointment. A waste of time, money, energy. Your father abandoned you and your mother wants to get rid of you because you're no better than a baby who still needs diapers. You couldn't perform a job even if your extreme anxiety let you get one. You ruin the atmosphere. You are inconvient. Unwelcomed. Unwanted. You are the subject of essays, experiments, scientific experiments, even political debates. But just the subject. Far from being really cared about. You are alone. There's nobody that wants to understand you. And even less who wants to help you, comfort you, and so on. Even if God exists, the Bible says it very clearly, that the mentally disabled are not to carry the flame of God or enter the Kingdom of Heaven. So even God sees you as what you are. A little piece of shit. Nothing to you makes sense. It's not like a videogame with clear instructions of where to go, what to do, how to clear the level. Everything is confusing. You don't know where you are. You don't know where to go. You don't know how things should be. You're always lost. With no directions, and nobody to walk you through the storm. And even if there was somewhere to go you couldn't get there. You're weak. You feel physical pain. On your back. Knees. Elbows. Neck. Head. Chest. As you grow older you're hundreds of times more likely than neurotypicals to have cancer, be deaf, blind, have seizures, strokes. The only place you find peace is in imaginary worlds that won't ever exist. At night you just lay in bed. Cry like the 30 years old baby you are as you imagine your ideal life, or what would you do if you were God. Only to then remind yourself. None of that will ever come true. Only to remind yourself that the beautiful planets, cities, cathedrals, life forms, that you build in your own mind, only exist there, and it's not reality, and nobody gives a damn about the tremendous conclusions of physics, math, philosophy, psychology and so on, just from thinking, talking to yourself. Nobody will want to hear them. Because you're just the annoying sperglord. Like since childhood you are the the clown. What is the meaning and purpose of life of autists? Your purpose is to be annoying. Inconvient. To ruin the atmosphere. Your purpose is to be hated for merely existing. To suffer in unimaginable ways. And there is no meaning to it. All the pain is just in vain. As not even God wants anything to do with the worst of the worst.

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 No.36234

File: 176b85c1430bb80⋯.jpg (181.28 KB,1920x1080,16:9,lastsamurai.jpg)

Death is something that you must accept for yourself. It is a weird feeling. There have always been so many things that I wanted to express, that just went through my mind but nobody saw. Accepting your death is difficult, but it is possible to do so without betraying yourself (betraying the things that you long for). I have seen so many things, that nobody will ever see. I do not want to die, I know these things I saw will disappear forever, there is no afterlife or God who cares about me. But yet… it is how things are. I saw more than anyone else ever saw, but yet I do not understand anything. Things don't make sense. Nothing does. Living will only prolong this suffering, and suicide will prematurely end this "dream" and prevent me from ever exploring any of my mind further. I don't know. I just don't know. There are few things that I can take as absolute in this life. One of them is that this existence is not enjoyable. Maybe more than anything, I wish I could understand. Not understand something, just understand.

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 No.36235

File: 5b2c3e2c8a4316c⋯.jpg (381.84 KB,1459x1000,1459:1000,1486701539495.jpg)

>>36234

To further add on that, death is throwing your entire life on a garbage can. You have come this far, you saw everything, you thought of everything, felt everything, you imagined and dreamed of everything, you went through everything and you suffered a lot. All to in the end throw it into the garbage. It is like writing a master piece of poetry, but make it a paper ball and throw it into the garbage. That is why I said it is like betraying yourself. It is sad, but it is what it is. I said it is not necessarily betraying yourself, because it is possible that your former self would accept the decision of death. I don't know. I constantly am seeing so many things, they are infinite. It is difficult for someone reading this to imagine just the scope of the things I see, it is very hard to explain and not worth the time. But yet I don't know anything. Everything is so strange and complex, and also meaningless, and doesn't make sense. Reality is sad. I don't understand.

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 No.37326

I feel very bad right now tbh. Like, I have so many things I wanna do but I'm not doing any of them. Instead I'm lurking this board and chatting on Discord. You may wonder "If you wanna do them then why not do them?", and that's a legitimate question,

However I just don't feel like, and that frustrates me a lot. I don't even wanna play games, and that's like my most loved hobby.

And looking for freelancing jobs is hard, I don't like it. But common jobs don't pay good where I live.

It just feels bad, everything. I wish I was born with a better mind, better genetics, in a better country.

God damn it. I hate it, I wanna do all those things but I don't care about them. I don't care about myself, I don't do anything. Ugh. It's just…I dunno since when I've been feeling like this.

And I can't even end it because I'm too sissy for it. Like, I planned to kill myself at 20 but did nothing (I'm 22 now). I've been a NEET for 5 years now and I don't care.

I want to care, but don't feel the need or the energy for it.

Eventually my parents are going to die and I won't have someone to support me anymore. And I don't care, if it happens, it happened, and I die of hunger. The end.

Honestly it's depressing. And I've been going to a psychologist for two years now and nothing has changed.

Well, I'm least I'm going to the gym. But even that it's annoying. Anything that's not procrastinating seems annoying to me. And I hate that.

I really really hate it.

I wish I was a hard worker.

You know, I have a dream to be a trillionaire, but I'm not doing anything for. Because I don't know!, I live in Venezuela where minimum wage is like 10$ a month…but I'm not doing anything to try to earn some $$$ in order to leave. Because I don't know what to do. Jobs don't pay enough.

Everything is just bad, I feel like everything is worthless. I wish I was beaming like I was when I was a kid.

I don't even have a degree. Yeah a High School diploma but I never learned anything in school.

I never applied myself to anything. I wish I could start now but my mind blocks me.

I want to be a writer

I want to be an artist

I want to be a 3D modeler

I want to be a programmer

I want to know japanese

I want to make my own game

I want all of those things and more, yet I'm not doing anything for it. Because I don't feel like it. Everything is emptiness.

It's just sad, really. I'm pathetic. I wish I was better at living. Better at understanding the basics of life like Work = Money. Or something.

But ultimately, I won't do anything about it. Because I really don't care. Don't care about anything.

But I wish I could care. But I don't know where to start. People say baby steps but I'm not even a fetus.

Anyways…I hope someday I'm able to break this loop and get better…

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 No.37348

File: 1ca2f1a972b7907⋯.jpg (26.92 KB,600x418,300:209,1473339665090.jpg)

I recently overcame a 6 year battle with depression. It seems like it had to become absolute hell before I could finally see the light and climb out; I was already on the brink of suicide and felt that any coming day would be my last. Coming out of it was surprisingly anti-climatic. It's like one day my head cleared and I connected a thought or two and just went "Oh…" and everything just stopped.

It honestly consumed the better part of my life. Years that should've been spent growing, exploring, and in relative care-free peace, I spent struggling with troublesome emotions, self hatred, and other ugly experiences.

With that said, it makes sense that when I came out of it, I was extremely confused and didn't know how to feel or what to do with my life at that moment. After reading some philosophy from time to time, I found that the best thing for me was to expand my skills and hobbies and indulge myself in liberal education to continue to better myself. Alongside self-improvement, I want to seek discipline but also live my life with independence and personal freedom.

Undergoing that long battle made me confront my mortality and essentially took away my fear of death. I had accepted my mortality and made peace with the uncertainty of the future. As such, for the first time, I feel as though my life is my own to experience in any way I realistically see fit. However, it also meant embracing my true self and discarding that hollow personality I had undertaken to please those around me and otherwise "blend" in.

And that's where my problem rests. All the friends I've made, and the family I've grown with have only known this fake persona. As I'm coming out for who I really am, they're starting to notice and I fear that some don't take to well to it; as in "you're not the person I thought you were" or "You're not acting like yourself". I feel like in doing so, I'm letting the people I care for down.

Likewise, I begin to make my own choices and seek independence, but these choices are sometimes risky or contested in the eyes of my family. Normally I would not have done many of the things I do today out of fear or anxiousness. These are not stupid and dangerous things, but rather, things that have risks as anything else in life would, and they are activities that heavily contrast my former self. As such, my family is afraid for me and obviously want the best for me, but they cannot shelter me forever.

I am not afraid, but it is their fear and their concerns that hold me back. I still care for how they feel about me, and I still take their thoughts into consideration, but it ultimately makes me feel like they're getting in my way and keeping me from doing what I want to do. Seeing as how I'm basing my purpose on progress, this block in the road is leaving me feeling stressed and a little disgruntled.

I'm also being crushed underneath the weight of various situations and pressures, and it's making me feel very isolated; ironic since I'm the solitary type. I want to seek a friend or family member out and talk to them about how I'm feeling or just drown out the shit storm around me by spending time with them and sharing a laugh or a good time; but I've always been a stoic and feel as though I'd only be a burden. Hence, my visit to this thread to unload on a bunch of strangers.

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 No.37464

I'm a junior in high school, so please excuse my writing. I've never really been good at it. I've been depressed most of my 17 years alive. I've been feeling a bit better this past year because of meds I was prescribed for depression but I'm off of it, voluntarily, to see how I'm feeling without it. I've been fine up until lately. I've never had any friends in middle school who I'd do things with outside of school. I had some laughs here and there with some kids but no strong friendship bonds. This followed me to high school. I've always been someone who would be nice even if I wasn't in a very happy mood, which was most of the time. I could never make friends in middle or high school. I always try and try, but everyone I try to connect with shuts me down. It's not like I look like a monster or anything with my appearance is horrendous. I try my best everyday to be nice to others, but not so much that I'm kicked around or used. I've been used by some (a lot) of people, and I do my best to avoid it again because it hurts to know you're being used after you've acted so kind to someone. Even though I'm a teenager I've had an emotional/sexual relationship with someone. I first saw this girl at my church's Friday fish fry. she was working in the back but I forget why I was there. She had really dark brown hair, brown eyes, short, skinny, and she looked lost. I was outside for some reason and she came outside to smoke a cigarette. I asked her out then, the first night I saw her. This was by no means love at first sight. She looked lost and I felt lost. We would text all ight from then on. She'd get worried I was "cheating" or something if I didn't text back right away. I remember once I was playing Rainbow Six Siege and every few seconds she'd text me and it was getting a little annoying, but I liked her so I replied every time. She had a bad relationship with her family. She and her mom would fight, cuss, and smoke together at times….

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 No.37465

>>37464

… I once stayed at her house for the weekend. Her mom helped me lie to my parents saying we were all going up north to some farm. I stayed over at their house. My girlfriend and I had never kissed, and we never did. She said she didn't like kissing because she wasn't good at it. I told her it was fine, I wasn't good either, she denied. On that weekend we had sex around 4 to 5 times, within the span of 24 hours. The day I left to go back to my house, while we were in the middle of having sex, her mom came back and threw a box of condoms on the bed. When her mom picked me up to school to spend time with her daughter, I'd finger her in the backseat. God, I miss that. I ended up breaking her heart and left her. I felt it was too much of a bad relationship to be in. I don't think I was good for her either, me being there was controlling her to some extent, but.. I'm not sure. Maybe she was my only chance at meaning in the world. I've been thinking about her ever day since I broke up with her. it's been more than a year since, and I still wonder how she thinks of me. Apart from my parents "unconditional" love, she is the only person to ever listen to me and honestly talk to me with all her attention. My parents aren't really huge fans of premarital sex. I can't go to the church fish fry because her dad always works there and the last time I saw him was at the church festival, he was yelling, drunk maybe, and wanted to 'talk' to me about his daughter. He was an abusive dad. I miss her. God I miss her. I don't know if I love her, but I wish I could at least talk to her again. I remember what she wanted to change her name to; Scout. Both our grandfather's fought as Marines. I bought us matching dog tags, but being a dumbass, I threw mine away, to get rid of the memories. Throwing away that dog tag did nothing but cause both me and Scout pain. Anyway, I'm starting to feel depressed again and I don't know what to do. Thanks for listening to me talk about my troubles.

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 No.37517

>tfw the every day, ever-present frustration of wanting to communicate, BUT:

1) little to no audience,

2) when 1 is true [rare], little to no skill on my part to communicate skillfully and effectively to get my thoughts and feelings to leap across the abyssal chasm between me and others, and

3) when both 1 and 2 are true [very rare], whether or not I’m misunderstood, most of what I have to say:

A) those around me don’t care,

B) those around me are deeply offended by what I really think.

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 No.37535

File: 09c73e6f867f8f1⋯.jpg (60.95 KB,423x951,141:317,09c73e6f867f8f1ef733fa0c3a….jpg)

Boy, this board is dead as shit, I'd write a fun little story of retarded shit I've to go through recently. But seeing this board being dead as shit, I'll just settle on asking any anons who are still here to cheer me up, cheer me up would you, anon?

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 No.37536

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

>>37535

I'm still here, but I imagine like most others don't really have anything to say so I don't post much, but I'm still here to listen or read anything that's on your mind. I'm sorry to hear you're feeling down anon, what's wrong? I hope it will get better. I'm not really into football, but here is a short football tv advert that always makes me smile, I watch it when I feel down, maybe it will cheer you up as well, I hope so!

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 No.37537

>>37536

Thanks for trying to cheer me up, the animation is pretty nice.

You see, I'm currently abroad another country. I wasted about a month looking for jobs, most didn't contact me back, a shop called me in for an 'unpaid trial' then kicked me out because I wasn't experienced enough according to the shithead even though their ad said 'experience preferable', and my fucking resume didn't even say any experience on that job I was trialed on, wasted 3 hours. Then another shop called me for a trial, then she told me she'll pay me half of the minimum wage if I want to take the job (the manager was a chink, and some folks told me chinks are really fucking greedy they'll pay you shit). One month passed and I'm sure I've atleast spent $1k on fucking rent and some other shit.

Then I tried doing UberEats on bicycle, I got bullshit routes so I decided to just get a motorcycle license, buy a motorcycle and do UberEats that way instead so I won't get assraped by bullshit routes (I've done 3 trips, first trip was okay despite a bit tiring, second trip was bullshit that I had to pedal 1km uphill, I couldn't do that so I pushed the bike and wasted a whole hour delivering this shit, third trip I had to do a long ass trip that had me crossing a bridge. I'm not very out of shape, but I can't handle shit like that). So I booked a motorcycle course I have to pass, I booked an automatic course instead of manual because I thought I'll pass easier, which is a mistake I later realized MID course, that sports bikes comes in manual (And no, fuck scooters, where I come from, you can buy scooters for merely fucking $100. In here they'll go to $1k-2k. If I buy one, I'll indefinitely feel stupid and ripped off for the rest of my life and I can never live it down). Of course, thanks to my stupidity and luck, I can't change back to manual, so that's $92 course fee down the drain for no reason. I booked a second course, then while on the course, I got fucking stopped because apparently I (((struggled))) while others who were also struggling were just left alone. I was told to take a remedial private lesson before I can continue on, so I had to waste another 2 weeks. Right now I'm fucking waiting for that day.

Whatever shit I have to go through in life, it always seem like I have to go through the longer, harder, roundabout way.

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 No.37538

>>37537

Sounds rough. I wonder if this "remedial course" can work as like a way out for you. Try to level with the instructor and see if you can get transferred into the manual course. Tell him the manual course is what you needed the whole time but taking the automatic one was just a mistake on your end. If the instructor is /kind/, he'll understand and switch you over, and you won't have to waste time with the remedial lesson.

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 No.37539

>>37538

Oh, the second course is already a manual course, I just skipped on the first course. I got stopped on the second course and I'm currently waiting for the remedial course next week.

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 No.37540

>>37539

Ah, I understand now. Completely renders my advice useless, but nonetheless. Keep your chin up. Consider it a speed bump on the way to the license. Grovelling to get out of the lesson isn't going to look good on you. I don't have much else other than grin and take it. Maybe when you finally do get it, put your head down, do a ton of jobs then spend your extra money on something special to treat yourself. Make it feel like it was worth it, you know?

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 No.37541

>>37540

>Grovelling to get out of the lesson isn't going to look good on you.

Huh? I didn't grovel or anything, I just skipped that automatic course since I thought that's just a waste of time and money (As I have to waste more money to get on the bus), so I thought I'd just wait until the manual course. (I'll also clarify here, the ones taking auto course can't ride manual bikes)

>Maybe when you finally do get it, put your head down, do a ton of jobs then spend your extra money on something special to treat yourself. Make it feel like it was worth it, you know?

Hah, yeah, can't wait for that. I'd love to own a nice sports bike, deliver shit to recover what I lost, then treat myself nice things. Thanks for trying to cheer me up, anon.

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 No.37548

File: 3f0a721117fb127⋯.gif (2 MB,500x328,125:82,3f0a721117fb1277ee03e9a384….gif)

>>37541

>I didn't grovel or anything

I wasn't saying you did, I was just making sure you didn't think it was an option, because it rarely ever works out.

>Thanks for trying to cheer me up, anon.

No problem

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 No.37621

I am currently watching Naruto Shippuden (read the manga several years ago) and I can understand and relate to the villains. To the point that its making me cry.

Obito has no one. He is completely alone. Same with Kabuto. Kabuto is worse off as he doesn't even know himself. He just imitates and steals from others.

Just like how I have had no one to rely on or to look out for me. I have no one. I rent a small room in an apartment building working a job I hate, Sage for negative post. Don't bully me for watching this anime

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 No.37629

File: ca25bdad6628908⋯.jpg (45.32 KB,331x331,1:1,1438623104405.jpg)

I can't stop daydreaming about boring, unreachable things and it's tearing me apart.

I have had a rich, immersive fantasy life since I was a kid, but now the subjects have changed from the fantastical to the soul-crushing and mundane. Whereas I used to go on sprawling, epic journeys in various game and anime universes; nowadays, I just daydream about making insightful and profound imageboard posts, becoming friends with nice people I come across on non-anonymous parts of the internet, being able to banter and make witty jokes, having a job, etc. My daydreams have become so focused on what feels "realistic" that reality feels less real than it normally does to me. For example, two weeks ago I felt very social and had the opportunity to write a post, but all the possible things I could and could not say, along with all the possible conversations that might arise as a result, started to branch out in so many ways and to such depth in my mind that when I came to my senses, I was genuinely surprised to find that I had not posted anything at all.

Moreover, since a lot of my daydreams are just about me making posts, I inevitably developed the habit of writing these pretend posts out as a form of roleplay. Day in and day out, I write them. I've written over a million words like this in the last three years. I keep typing until my wrists hurt so much I have to stop and can't do anything else for the rest of the day. I spend so much time pretending to post that I don't even want to make real posts anymore. There are topics that used to be dear to me that I don't want to think about anymore because I have wasted so much time obsessively writing about them. My life is a complete wreck because this roleplaying/writing takes up so much time and energy.

I am tired of these daydreams. I want to go back to daydreaming about fantasy worlds. This is at least a marginally more productive activity since it provides inspiration for writing and worldbuilding. Every time I put in the effort to have meaningful fantasies, it feels refreshing and invigorating, but sustaining it for more than a few hours every couple of months is impossible. Escaping from these thought patterns seems impossible. When I try to think about what to do, I end up just writing it out as a post. Even this post is an iteration of something I've already written countless times in private. In all honesty, nothing short of CTS is going to make me stop, and that thought makes me anxious.

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 No.37631

File: c20818deafb22a9⋯.png (460.56 KB,674x666,337:333,....png)

>>37548

I finally got my license and bought a bike that had a great deal, but today has to be the worst day of my life. Bike was really heavy I couldn't push it easily or lift it. I tilted it about 5 times and broke the clutch lever, snapped the brake lever, right rear view mirror, bent the right handle bar, and crushed the right front blinker. I'm guessing I'll have to pay for like $500 to fix this shitty mess up. I couldn't lift it alone and had to get people to help me lift it. I only have about a month or two of funds to live, if my life doesn't improve any time soon, I think I'm just going to kill myself.

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 No.37632

>>37631

That's weird, the site posted immediately after I typed captcha in. I haven't mentioned I already had to blow up $300 to tow it to where I live.

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 No.37636

File: 2c49b683b2d46a2⋯.gif (249.83 KB,300x100,3:1,do it for them.gif)

>>37632

>>37631

That's rough, no doubt about it. But you now have the means to improve your life. Take care of that bike. Spend less time shitposting on whatever board you usually shitpost on and read up on how you can take care of it and keep it in good shape. What we discussed before hasn't changed, now that you have the bike, put your head down and go for it. Earn that money. Put bit by bit aside so you can reward yourself later. Don't worry about the extra expenses you had to incur; every venture has a startup cost, just because some were unexpected doesn't mean the whole thing has to be dragged down. Sure it's gonna take a bit longer to pay back the initial cost, but you'll do it. And as an aside, don't be afraid to ask for help. Some things are going to be too heavy, or too big to handle alone. There's no shame in getting a helping hand here and there.

You've got this, anon. We believe in you.

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 No.37639

>>37636

The problem right now is I'm waiting for the repair quote to decide whether just sell it back to dealer and lose basically 1.8k and get a shitty job or repair it and keep going or repair it and swap for a smaller bike/sell it for higher price. I'm not sure I want to handle that bike again, it was too heavy and I don't want to drop it again and get fucked in the ass.

>don't be afraid to ask for help

Yeah well, that'll be just funny to ask people to help me every time I want to park my bike.

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 No.37643

File: d9a85f97b975491⋯.jpg (39.54 KB,350x354,175:177,1434666938828.jpg)

>>37636

>>37639

I decided, I'll fucking repair my bike and get to UberEats. I can fucking do this, I'll do it for them. Thanks for your support anon, it helped.

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 No.37647

File: 6aef4648392a954⋯.jpg (144.02 KB,680x510,4:3,1c07a2f19ad7956a201f92cea6….jpg)

>>37643

Godspeed Anon

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 No.37649

File: ef56fa7e91a00c9⋯.jpg (61.01 KB,669x542,669:542,1404792993345.jpg)

>>37647

Welp, I went to Uber's office and they told me they don't accept learner license. I could try to be a sneaky cunt and just deliver on my bike while on my bicycle, but I wouldn't risk it as I'm bad at navigating without GPS, and it's against the law to mount my phone on the bike (GPS is fine, but I don't think I wanna risk another +$100). So I decided to put up my bike for sale just until I find a good paying job that can cover my bills, including my bike's bills. This isn't the outcome I expected, but I gotten my will to fight on again, and if it really comes to me having to sell my bike, I'll get more if I manage to sell it privately. Thanks again, anon.

On a side note, does anyone know if there's a way for me to work online?

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 No.37651

>>37649

Look at >>37267 there is a thread running about the topic, some good ressources were shared.

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 No.37659

>>37651

Thanks lad.

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 No.37680

File: e5b48eab5f41184⋯.jpg (185.36 KB,1280x1000,32:25,359d52135e28b3c24083ff4b77….jpg)

>tfw friendless

Why am I only lonely in the winter?

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 No.37687

How does anyone plant good spiritual roots, cultivate any kind of a life, or follow any longterm goal whatsoever when one is always feeling distracted and drained by work and chores and bills sucking dry all drive to do naught but screw around on failbook, /r9k/, and /fit/ when I DO have a few hours of free time to myself once or twice a week… I wish I could just walk away from everyone and everything to go live in a monastery or something. I might actually feel I have a purpose in life, and not like some buzzing bee trapped in a jar til I die. Stop feeling I'm expending enormous emotional, mental, and physical energy into nothing useful or fulfilling whatsoever. Maybe I should take up cutting or crack some other act of self-harm to see if I can replace binge-eating & mindless Internetting to smother my sorrows, the "I wish I were dead" Bad Thoughts, and so on whenever they inevitably arise. Maybe then I can finally lose weight and keep it off.

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 No.37692

Every time I hear the likes of "happiness is a choice", "you must LIKE being depressed", "man up, it's not abuse if you don't let it", and so on…

I wonder how they'd would feel if I shoved them in a pool then finger-wagged them for choosing to be wet?

Or pulled off their coat in the rain/snow and rolling my eyes at them for not trying hard enough to stay dry/warm?

Or knocked them down, jumped atop and whupped their ass while screaming, "I'm not the one beating you, YOU were asking for it! Should have made better decisions in life! Now if you'd jus bee urslef & stop letting me pound your face into melted cheese your broken nose and shattered teeth would fix themselves!"?

So many people somehow, especially authority figures – despite allegedly experiencing emotions their whole lives – have it in their heads that feelings are a switch one can magically flip like a light switch, and not as involuntary as the pain one experiences from stubbing a toe or the arousal of touching one's preferred set of genitalia. I get PHYSICALLY ILL every single time I come across this absurd assertion. Are you people alien robots who still haven't quite figured out humans, or what?

"B-B-BUT YOU CHOOSE YOUR REACTION–" Okay. Hold still while I dump hot oil on your feet and let's watch you choose not to scream and jump. Or see if a crowd of feminists can keep it cool while an MRA with a megaphone is demanding they show him their tits and get back in the kitchen; being offended is a choice, remember? So, like, it's TOTALLY their fault if they CHOOSE to be angry, or you should be punished for CHOOSING to jump and scream when I dump hot oil on your feet.

No?

Then why do so many of you insist that happiness/anger/depression is a choice? And why do so many of you cling to the Just World Fallacy and have this bizarre notion (especially authority figures, whether they be teacher or boss) that it's A-O-K for bully/harass/etc but we should harangue and/or punish those who stand up for themselves or even just report it? To blame them for "allowing" themselves to be called names and so forth? To shame the victims into silent acceptance of verbal attacks because they know they'll be told to "be the bigger person" and "you were asking for it"?

And then you people wonder why there are 121 suicides in America every day, and why this country also leads the world in mass shootings and serial killers. (Almost 19x as much as the 2nd-highest producer.)

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 No.37734

I have so much within me SCREAMING to be free. I want to climb the mountain and shout to the world HERE I STAND! I want to ACCOMPLISH things, to BE somebody, to no longer look in a mirror and be disappointed and disgusted with what looks back at me.

But every time I try to stick to ANY longterm goal, walk in ANY direction, I'm YANKED BACK by the 700lb ball-and-chain of anxiety, depression, autism, post-traumatic stress disorder, and whatever else intake therapists have suggested is wrong with my head all chained to my neck. I've had nervous breakdowns trying to learn a new language, and trying to bodybuild or merely trying to lose the rest of this stubborn fat, and get the ball rolling with Buddhist practices, and trying to self-teach riding a bicycle, and self-teach trying to be less socially crippled, and any other of my dreams and desires. And that's not even mentioning those that are still an evil gleam in my eye like learning Flash animation or publishing novels or having a successful YouTube channel or attending college for anything whatsoever that's relevant to my interests and passions! No I'm not lazy, I'VE TRIED, and every time, within weeks of getting going it becomes too much or something unrelated happens (like a fight with my dad or a bad day at work) that knocks me off my high horse. Then I have nothing left within to get back on the horse and so I must drop everything but going to work, bathing, and binge-eating until I recover from the overpowering craving for shotgun mouthwash.

I'm perpetually a phone with less than 20% power that is quickly drained by just my job and chores, so when I do have free time? I HAVE NO ENERGY, NO DRIVE, NO MOTIVATION TO DO NAUGHT BUT FUCK AROUND ON MY LITTLE COMPUTER OR SMOTHER MY SORROWS WITH JUNK FOOD. And so when I try to follow any dream, I drain what little's left of my mental and emotional batteries and shut down…

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 No.37748

>>37692

People are retarded at times, and I prefer to just ignore their stupid shit. Just smile, nod, and ignore them, man. Did someone say that sort of stupid shit to you?

>>37734

I'm sorry you have to go through all of those. Can you tell me why are you getting nervous breakdowns when you're trying to improve yourself? Is it because you're trying too hard and overwhelmed yourself with all of that you wanted to do? Also, bad days can ruin your motivation and drive, but I'd advise you to try not to dwell on it and just let that go. You had a bad day, now it's over and it's in the past, let it go so it doesn't drag you down. I'm not sure about binge-eating, but I think you can start by not buying more foods than your basic breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

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 No.37756

>>37680

Winter is solemn season, often the Sun hides away and people say we feel happier when exposed to more of it, so that doesn't help either.

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 No.37780

File: cc5a9f032aa9134⋯.jpg (165.39 KB,378x585,42:65,20171203_203335.jpg)

I can only hope I will be forgiven for wasting any potential time an anon may use to read this.

My life is completely and utterly mundane, I have nothing to complain about and everything to be grateful for; my parents never abused me, if I ever wanted something, I'd only have to wait until Christmas or my birthday. I went to school everyday, was never bullied or talked down to, and did as well as one could without ever having done their homework. My family loved me as any normal family would.

In spite of this, I've never been a happy person. I've always sulked around and felt nothing but misery when I'm left to myself; whenever I don't feel miserable, I actively think that something is wrong. I never even knew what love felt like until maybe a month ago or so, and even now I'm not sure if that was love or not.

I have a handful of friends, and talking to them usually sets me at ease for so long as I spend time with them, but whenever they go off and spend time with others, I feel an enormous amount of jealousy.

I recently enlisted in the army, to try and tell myself that I'm actually doing something good with my time, that perhaps my family will have a reason to feel proud of me, but I've started feeling worse about myself ever since I finished basic combat training and I don't know why.

I've begun to lose interest in things that used to hold my attention for hours on end, I feel miserable all the time, and I don't know why.

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 No.37784

>>37748

>Did someone say that sort of stupid shit to you?

Every once in a while, and each time it makes me want to deck a dumbass, beat a bitch, smack a shithead, and so on. Maybe I should be more a snarky edgelord to them, and say something like "If you say emotions are a choice blah-blah then you don't quite understand how humans work, and I can think the only reasons for that are you're maybe a robot, an alien, or a retard now please get off my planet, get back on your spaceship or get a magnet or get a gun yadah yadah". Little else pushes my buttons harder.

>I'm sorry you have to go through all of those. Can you tell me why are you getting nervous breakdowns when you're trying to improve yourself? Is it because you're trying too hard and overwhelmed yourself with all of that you wanted to do? Also, bad days can ruin your motivation and drive, but I'd advise you to try not to dwell on it and just let that go. You had a bad day, now it's over and it's in the past, let it go so it doesn't drag you down. I'm not sure about binge-eating, but I think you can start by not buying more foods than your basic breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Probably because I went from NEET (occasional part-time jobs with years of NEETing in between), then first full-time job and leaving mommy's garage at the same time. Still overwhelming even years later just to keep up with the dishes and other housework, bills, and so forth after over a decade post-high-school sitting on my ass playing video games and watching anime. Not to mention lifelong insomnia and depression and so forth, my socially-demanding job, and so on leaving me feeling like a zombie much of the time. So when I try to force myself to pursue bodybuilding (or just lose weight) or learn a new language or abstain from porn or whatever… but I'm already repeating myself.

Yeah, bad days suck. Bad weeks and months are worse. It's hard to let go but I'm trying. Sucks I have to give up all my leftover free time to image boards and vidya in the process while feeling guilty about wasting my life yet fearful of blowing up yet again, but you do what you gotta do.

At least I'm having some success with the binge-eating, though, even if it's just replacing $30 of ordered pizza or Chinese takeout with $5 of homemade chicken salad tacos. Okay, so I still hit the buffets maybe every other week, but better than every other day, especially on my wallet!

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 No.37785

Thank you whomever felt like reading this giant whiny persecution complex.

Who in this world do I envy the most? Not billionaires. Not social engineers who sex up supermodels by verbal trickery alone. Not those with functional strength and phenomenal physiques who can run 20 miles and bike 100. Not people who live off selling their creations. Not meditation masters who know little but inner peace and love for all. I envy these people very much.

But more than all the above combined? I am unspeakably jealous of those who can speak their op-onions freely and skillfully. Speechcraft warlords who rule the debate arena from radio shock jocks to edgy comedians to political vloggers, all whom I stand in awe of the massive balls to stand up and shout "this is what I think, here is why I am right and you are wrong. disagree? bring it." who are fully prepared to verbally whup the ass of anyone who dares step up.

Whereas I'm a coward who won't say what I really think about this and that, for fear I'd not only be made a fool out of even if I'm right and they're wrong because my own social development is decades behind my peers, but my unskillful words would more than likely come back and bite me in the ass, at my job and elsewhere…

Hence why I only say what I really think offline or anonymously, because I don't want to lose my job because I offended one of my bosses so they just so happened (like totally unrelated) to start riding my ass until they caught me making a tiny mistake everyone else gets away with and writing me up for it, repeat until I'm starving on the streets.

I'm not being paranoid. I've already gone through being pulled into the office and "so we heard you said this and that online - mind explaining yourself..?" Another time I've had the cops called on me, and banned from their establishment, for yelling at someone over the phone for being rude and snotty with me. And then there have been all those times online and off where someone were pricks, so I responded in kind only to have authority figures take massive shits on MY head and not them. So these kinds of things DO and HAVE happened to me.

This is why I for the most part just let people walk all over me, because for the most part I've learned over and over to be a good little slavebitch because it's apparently okay to be fucked with but to stand up for myself is superbadwrong that's a very bad Anon very very bad.

And if I say anything about it I'm just told to man up, deal with it, "be the bigger man", "stop letting assholes bother you", "you choose to be upset", "what are you doing to make them treat you that way?", "maybe if you wouldn't ABC and not XYZ everyone would be nicer", "want some cheese with that whine? a tinfoil fedora? a cross you can nail yourself to? all the above? LOL!" or my personal favorite: "STFU or we'll punish you even harder".

Same in school, in the workplace, online forums and chats, sometimes in the form of "Don't like I'm doing this and that to you, unrelated to all I've done for you? Well I'm not gonna help you anymore, how about THAT? Don't like it? No? Well you better bend over and let me fuck you or you can go fuck yourself. There you go, now you understand that being my personal bottom-bitch is your payment for me doing nice things for you, my little doormat. You need to learn that when people do things for you, that gives them free license to also take massive shits on your head and if you give any indication that you won't tip for services rendered that somehow means you don't appreciate the unrelated so-and-sos." If that didn't make sense to you, congratulations you're not an asshole.

It's gotten so commonplace that my throat (or fingers if online) automatically "locks up" out of fear of the consequences almost every time someone fucks with me, because I just know if I don't roll over and expose my belly at everyone who decides to make me their personal chewtoy MY NECK will be put on the chopping block while they laugh and walk away unscathed.

And so I continue feeling like a scared, powerless little weakling. And so the repressed anger and resentment grows. And grows. And grows. And grows.

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 No.37792

File: b9985fbba816740⋯.jpg (287.36 KB,875x1400,5:8,85c2afe4d29d2c10f4245cd066….jpg)

I've considered getting a therapist but I know I can't because dosh and they call the police on you if you want to kys and it sucks.

I've been keeping in my problems often and releasing them in little vents and comments. Suicide jokes are in right now so I can joke about it on occasion, not often though. It's amusing to make suicide jokes and have people laugh but inside it's one of the things I want most. There's more things I want to talk about, I have so many problems I end up forgetting some and I don't even have a broken childhood or anything. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want to die.

As such, I try and plan a suicide and I'm in between buying a shotty or buying nembutal. Alternatively, I could just be a dumbass about it and chug some allergy pills and fall asleep with my fingers crossed but I'm not sure if it would work. My primary goal is offing myself but it seems like I get happy from minor things or I just forget to and it's making me question whether I truly want death or it's just a bad habit from a result of not being able to cope with hardship. Either way, it's like I'm smart enough to know that my future isn't a good one and I'm not something needed, wanted, or even qualifying as a human being. But I'm also dumb enough to forget that goal and the methods in which I want to do it.

It's annoying as fuck and I want out. I just wish somebody would run me over or shoot me in the face. I'm sorry for bitching.

I also have a bad habit of forgetting that I need to use an exit bag instead of anything else.

I don't know if this is the right board for it, I know /suicide/ isn't right either because:

>Want a place to talk about your feelings? Go away.

and because the last time I came here there was one guy who was kind of a jerk and maybe crazy. I also can't shake the idea that most people here are normies who have never experienced any kind of significant suffering or failure resulting in "just do it" or "you can succeed if you try" or anything else that makes them sound like a shounen anime character.

I might delete this based on the responses I get if I get any.

I also really fucking hate that when I try to do nice things for people sometimes it results in them thinking negatively of me like they think of me as creepy or stupid. I've learned to watch myself and even just stay away most of the time but it still annoys me a bit. I think I've been losing the capacity for kindness anyway and I've been becoming apathetic.

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 No.37804

File: 2f8a8e8a2a0a6f9⋯.gif (15.42 KB,400x329,400:329,1440326415621.gif)

>>37780

That's terrible, to feel nothing but misery for no reason even though you have a nice idyllic life. I couldn't help you at all other than probably advise you to take it easy, and perhaps also offer my friendship if you want it.

>>37784

Yeah, I guess all those would be very overwhelming. Have you thought of getting a job with less shift, maybe a part time job instead so it doesn't drain out your soul? Insomnia sucks shit, how are you doing against it, is it impeding you hard? And, how hard did you push yourself to do bodybuilding or anything else? Trying to do bodybuilding or learn a new language goes better if you don't force yourself, rather, try motivating yourself with shit like 'I wanna be strong and lookin' good, I wanna get most out of this body I'm born with', or 'I wanna play untranslated games so fuck those translation'. Also don't push yourself too hard, I usually just spend like an hour or less to work out or learn Japanese. Lastly, in my opinion, you don't have to ban yourself completely from porn, just not every day every week. Great job on toning down the binge eating, keep it up!

>>37785

Holy fuck, I'm sorry you have to go through that crap, what country is it anyways? All I can tell you is speak your mind anonymously online, I don't know what were you doing that your boss caught you saying shit they don't like. On offline shit, if you wanna shout at retards over the phone, you should do it outside, I guess they banned you from an establishment because you were annoying others or something. Also, if I were you, I'd stand up for myself no matter what the consequence would be.

>>37792

I won't bitch about how you shouldn't go to sleep, but you can talk to me what's bothering you and maybe I can help you somehow, or just talk with me and I'll try to help you however I can. Though if you do wish to go to sleep, I think you should use a gun, aim for your brain from under your chin. I'm not a gun expert, but if you do use a shotty, I'm sure birdshot have lower chance of killing you.

>I also really fucking hate that when I try to do nice things for people sometimes it results in them thinking negatively of me like they think of me as creepy or stupid

Can you tell me what were you doing for some of those people? Though I feel like those people are just dickheads that don't deserve your kindness.

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 No.37806

>>37804

>how you shouldn't go to sleep

how you shouldn't suicide*, they filtered the other way of saying suicide, apparently.

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 No.37810

>>37348

I have my doubts that you're still here and reading this thread, but I can greatly relate to how you're feeling. I spend everyday stressing myself out trying to manage multiple fake personas to my friends and family, and I realized the importance of being true to yourself. The hardest part about being yourself again truly is the transitional stage. It's frustrating trying to be yourself while everyone else is wondering why you aren't being "yourself." You're not alone anon, I hope you manage through it.

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 No.37863

File: b393d04f2c65ee9⋯.mp4 (2.3 MB,720x1280,9:16,ユウイチ(しばらくお休みします) ‏ @altenn….mp4)

i miss the feeling of anonymity

haven't confided in anyone in years

it's a strange space between surrender and paranoia

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 No.37865

<My answer to a friend's email that I just felt like dumping before more eyes because it makes me feel better thank you even if you've already seen other whine-streaks of mine ITT:

>Anyway, what's up with you? Did you over-indulge in food, family or cardio?

Because it was a work day, I screwed around on the computer for an hour before getting ready for work, then went to work then went to bed like any other work day. Same with Christmas. Except this week I had to work 12/12/10/8/? (who knows if anyone's calling off tonight) hour shifts because of the holidays and people keep calling off for the holidays.

And, I'm sick for the first time in 2017 and beginning the new year as thus. Sneezing and coughing and spitting.

And my bike is still broke and keeps breaking and I'm resisting the urge to break the necks of those who sold me an unreliable $600 ride and I'm too "autistic" to out-talk those salesmen without making an ass of myself.

And I'm still in perpetual freak-out mode due to being in CC debt to afford groceries and bills - the time-and-a-half paychecks are going to help but then I gotta resist drowning my sorrows in pizza and Chinese takeout so I don't go right back, and my willpower levels are nigh-dry due to all the above and below atop the usual.

And my apartment is a stinking mess and I'm too busy dealing with the mountains of depression and existential woes and so forth along with sky-high stress and rock-bottom energy and mood thanks to my job and bare-minimum maintenance of health-fitness-lifestyle just so I don't balloon any more than I already have the past several months (~250lb and my work pants barely fit anymore) to keep up with daily Dishes and Vacuuming and etc. so with the 0 to 1-1/2 hr screw-around time on work days and 4-8 hours of screw-around time on days off I'm usually just burying my head into my computer or phone and letting the roaches clean my floors and plates for me.

And I'm still coming down from tapering off an antidepressant that had the opposite effect. Speaking of, another that HAS been working? I think I may be the 1 in 10,000 having the side-effect of a "severe, possibly fatal" skin disease from this drug, and when I called and got hold of my doc's receptionist: "hopefully it isn't, hopefully it is just the weather making your skin dry even though you've never gotten an itchy bumpy rash from it before, but in either case your doc won't be in until the 9th, then you can schedule an appt that'll probably take weeks to get in, but please keep taking that drug so you don't 'suffer' and let's just hope you don't, like, develop 'severe cholestatic jaundice, Stevens-Johnson syndrome, and multiorgan hypersensitivity with fulminant liver failure resulting in death' in the month of continued dosage it takes for us to take a look at you :^) unless, like, you wanna call our Express Care then get sent to the hospital and saddled with ANOTHER >$1000 bill for the hour we spent checking you out LOL the low- and middle-class just need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps and not get sick and not let their cars suddenly break down xD".

So all in all an absolutely miserable past few weeks after a somewhat miserable few months before a severely bad month after maybe a few months of okay-to-moderately-crappy months after a few decent-to-horrible years since I got on full-time and moved out of mommy's garage… Oh hey and today I got to wake up after maybe 3-4 hours sleep and laid in bed for four hours from dark to bright and got up dead tired and am still dead tired even after 25 minutes of watching anime on my stationary bike.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a $50 and an $80 bill to pay for prior >$1000 medical debts, and tomorrow I begin $20/wk for therapy, and the day after maybe $60 for my quarterly dentist visit, cuz I wasn't saving for the future or anything…

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 No.37895

>>37865

I still live in my mommy's garage. Reading posts like these makes me think I shouldn't ever leave. That and everyone I know who lives proper adult lives are always full of woes like yours. I hope your financial problems improve soon and your therapy goes well. If I was your irl friend I'd come round and clean your house for you.

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 No.37937

File: 349ff6e12f7823a⋯.jpg (773.02 KB,1400x1400,1:1,cover.jpg)

I've never been able to relate to "normal" people and can no longer abide the disgusting habits of supposed outcasts. Everyday I become more lonely with no one to talk to.

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 No.37956

>>37863

you can confide in me if you wanted :)

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 No.38004

File: a60256fcd3ecfb8⋯.jpg (315.55 KB,483x396,161:132,download_20170906_122929.jpg)

>>37937

>>37937

Feel free to stick around here friend. There will always be someone to talk to here

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 No.38024

File: 81bd8da525476b6⋯.png (230.67 KB,599x337,599:337,82e43192cc068aa43f2734b7cc….png)

>>37865

Hi friend, I hope things are getting better for you. I hope your time-and-a-half checks are coming through and working for you. Despite these setbacks, you've made progress since we've first spoke in this thread. Keep at it. You're getting better, and so am I. I'm working on myself too. I'm getting help and learning things to get myself going on my own.

I believe in you anon, keep going.

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 No.38025

File: a3d4d1f4088fe9b⋯.jpg (510.99 KB,1000x1000,1:1,a3d4d1f4088fe9b53d75b6e09a….jpg)

I constantly sabotage and flagellate myself both mentally and physically over the misdoings and ill intent of people whom I don't know and may as well not even be real. Every time I try to sleep I'm bombarded by visions of every past, present and future mistake I've committed and will commit. Every proactive action I take in order to better myself is immediately frowned upon by my superego because it thinks I will use it as a stepping stone to bring punishment upon those whom I perceive have done me wrong directly or indirectly and it wouldn't be wrong. To top it all off I project this constant state of self inflicted pain onto the very few people who have the patience and selflessness to care about my well being. That's as eloquently as I can put it and I'm probably missing a lot but it doesn't really matter anyway.

Also I have anger issues.

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 No.38026

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.
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 No.38036

File: 892e3ecff1e4810⋯.jpg (174.33 KB,953x953,1:1,1460391014487-2.jpg)

I think i can't feel emotions anymore.

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 No.38046

>>38036

Of course you can't feel anything Mr skeleton

:^)

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 No.38053

>>38026

Ugh… It's true, so horribly true. How do I stop being a man baby? My mother babies me to an almost ridiculous degree and it's gotten worse since I'm now the only child left in the house. I suppose I should start by getting a job. It's hard. Everything seems so futile when you're at the bottom looking up.

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 No.38087

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

>wanted to share a scene from game I recently fell in love with

>screen capture program suddenly stopped working

>get stubborn; point camera at monitor

>go through the trouble of recording, slight editing, encoding twice (to a reasonable file size), and uploading

>realize that even though I have fun sharing, almost no one but me cares, not a single one I wanted to show this to is going to watch and even if they do they're just doing it to humor me out of pity, so it's yet another reminder basically no one in flesh space shares my interests and passions

>sigh as going through the trouble of "making" things with nobody caring is basically masturbation, and try once more to resign myself to the fact that I'll only get it on with Myra Hand and her Chinese friend Lo Shen

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 No.38088

File: 67fede4ba3b07ff⋯.jpg (64.32 KB,720x822,120:137,perfect people suck.jpg)

>>38024

>>37804

>>37895

The fact that I just whined about 1st-world problems should tell you guys I'm doing a little better with other situations. Or they're just bothering me less. Guess I just needed to wave off caring about the "real world" for a little while to calm down. Maybe now I can start calorie-counting to try and get this gut down, among other things. I'm also finding starting the day with riding a stationary bike while watching comfy SoL is both exciting and calming! Thanks for the well-wishes!

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 No.38097

File: ff75b79937ebb35⋯.png (66.47 KB,354x578,177:289,yusss.png)

>>38087

Wow it's been a long time since I've heard anything about KS, and even longer since I last played it. You just find it recently? If you're new into the whole VN thing there are plenty of others similar to KS.

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 No.38106

(polite sage for blogpost)

>>38097

>You just find it recently?

Six years late to the party but better than never! Wanted to try a "real" romance VN (which I mistakenly called a dating sim) after a friend introduced me to Doki Doki Literature Club and, while finding the horror aspect neat and all (if done better in Saya no Uta and Higurashi) I was fascinated by the girlfriend-making aspect, something I had never encountered in a game before; I thought it was really cute and fun. I heard of KS many times throughout the years but it never sounded relevant to my interests until now, and I'm loving the bittersweetness and the fun. And much better at keeping the >tfw_no_gf away than a steady diet of moeblob SoL I find! So far have finished in this order: Emi, Rin, and Shizune (lightweight on feels compared to the first two but I couldn't stop grinning at her and Misha's evil-genius fighting spirits, those tricky little devils I love them!), and now on Act 2 with Lilly. As you could see from the above, I just finished Hanako's birthday party and it was so heartwarming it made me tear up. I can't wait to make her my girlfriend; I've had my heart set on her since the first playthrough when I was trying to get with her before Emi swooped in and took me away before I realized it. I thought I was just getting my exercise in before "hey wait a minute, why haven't I had more chances to go after Hanako, why am I spending so much time with this joyful little cutie…" Though I still find it neat I wound up with the cheerful athlete just by choosing the paths I would do in real life.

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 No.38117

File: 78680c7784b2fca⋯.png (265.12 KB,800x800,1:1,1514058183425.png)

There's someone I really like but he only seem to talk to me when he's horny and want nudes. When we started exchanging pics we both agreed that this wouldn't evolve into anything more. The more I talked to him though the more I fell for him. As much as I'd love to just come out and confess my feelings we're both part of the same group of friends. They were originally his friends though; he just happened to introduce me to them. Flash forward to a few days ago; after a particularly harsh downswing I went offline on Steam and Discord in hopes that somebody would notice I'm gone. Sadly I haven't gotten any messages. I'm beginning to think that they don't even care. I already regret doing it because pretending to be gone is a pretty pathetic cry for attention. I need to know though. Should I try to give it a few more days and hope they notice I've been gone or should I just go back online? If they notice I'd be put in a position I can't ignore it and be forced talk to them about it. I'm worried that going online will cause me to ignore these feelings and pretend this never happened.

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 No.38150

File: 4cf5069e0611f8d⋯.png (Spoiler Image,1.17 MB,680x1213,680:1213,best_route.png)

>>38106

The same thing happened to me! I wanted Hanako's route my first playthrough but ended up on Emi's because I made "real me" decisions. But I think I definitely needed Emi's story at that time in my life. It really kicked me into gear and made me serious about my future.

If you like the whole romance VN genre, Grisaia no Kajitsu is another really great one. I've got a ton of other reccs too, if you're interested. Most can be torrented pretty easily if you're into that sort of thing.

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 No.38181

File: 0196e31f6909ad6⋯.png (926.72 KB,800x600,4:3,hanako happy.png)

File: 22d952ac6d3b340⋯.png (525.87 KB,800x600,4:3,hanako cooking.png)

File: 9acf34e1cd734fb⋯.png (596.66 KB,800x600,4:3,hanako d'aww.png)

File: d82b777a8c93cec⋯.png (835.66 KB,800x600,4:3,hanako happy.png)

File: fc7c9c02f4578e7⋯.png (690.81 KB,800x600,4:3,hanako uh oh.png)

>>38150

"The Fastest Thing On No Legs" is inspirational, to be sure. If SHE can interval sprint every goddamn day with no legs, why can't I bike through subzero temps home from work five days a week? And just because my persistent back issues make it too risky to do squats and deadlifts again (guess how I discovered out I have degenerative disc disease in the lower spine), why can't I make slow but sure gainz with my dumbbells, pullup stand, and resistance bands? Sure I won't get as big and strong, but as Zyzz says, if size really mattered it'd be the elephant that'd be king of the jungle! The other girls, too, help put into perspective how much my life doesn't suck as bad as I feel like it does most of the time.

>Grisaia no Kajitsu

Excellent, I'll be needing those reccs soon enough! I've finished four of five routes (taking so long because I'm a wageslave bachelor /fit/izen which means I only have the weekend to play, and then only for maybe three or five hours on one of my days off as I've prioritized gainz over games, assuming something higher priority doesn't crop up) and about half-way through Hanako, and after that it'll be time to hit 100% completion, then to delete the shortcut on my desktop and forget its existence to play something else.

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 No.38215

File: dd9d4f4bbe75625⋯.jpg (253.98 KB,800x999,800:999,1263362074501.jpg)

That's YET ANOTHER exercise (this time: dumbbell row) I must place on my Can't Do List because it hurts my back! Bad enough with the insomnia and depression gainz goblins always hounding me… Maybe I shouldn't bother with resistance training at all (since my bad back, and my bad rotator cuff too, forbids me from doing just about any workout that'll grow my strength and mass anyway – thus, those 45 minutes every other day would be more fruitfully spent on dishes, blogging, epsom salt baths, reading, video games, meditation, and whatnot) and learn to tolerate forever skinnyfat t-rex mode?

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 No.38217

File: cf6107d3b7819c7⋯.png (284.88 KB,436x628,109:157,hanako-reading.png)

>>38181

Hanako is a miracle of the universe.

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 No.38218

>>38215

Is there a local YMCA or gym with a pool you could swim in? Swimming is an excellent all body workout and is very low impact on common stress areas in weight training. It may not be ideal for bulking, but it certainly improves overall strength. Added benefit, it's also a cardio workout at the same time.

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 No.38219

>>38217

I'm torn between how perfect an ending Hanako's route was, and the craving for more, to (now that she's established she's not some pathetic child to look after) watch her grow and to see her and Hisao's relationship develop. (Maybe I'm spoiled by finishing Emi's route first, but I loved how with her, The Kiss wasn't the end of their story but the midpoint!) To be there when Hanako finally breaks free of her cocoon and joins that newspaper/computer club, or whatever it was they just gave a few throwaway lines to in the end of Lilly's route… disappointing there wasn't more to that, as I was looking forward to seeing that unfold from her perspective with Hisao by her side! I keep dreaming up scenarios like, when Lilly comes back, her shock and amazement followed by fierce pride and joy when 'her baby' finally grows up and gets her man, or how Shizune and Misha would react to what an adorable couple the two make (similar to when Emi and Hisao get together), or just how in utter embarrassment Hanako would be following their very public kiss – after staring blissfully into each others eyes for a few moments, it'd slowly dawn on her that she's surrounded by a crowd giving her serious "d'aww!" faces and right before her "igottadosomething!"ing away Hisao having no choice but doing the cliche thing and grabbing her arm and pulling her into the Shanghai (I think that's where they were outside of?) and then stuff happens maybe they talk about their future together or they just calm down by enjoying each others' company as newly-girl-and-boyfriend chit-chatting about books over coffee and cakes I dunno I haven't thought that far ahead in my mind-only-fanfic that I would never ever dare write down like so many others… mostly because I'm a crappy writer and even if not all those emotional-masturbatory self-inserts would be embarrassing for anyone else to be inflicted with..

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 No.38220

File: d01d291d887f5d1⋯.jpg (Spoiler Image,90.46 KB,800x600,4:3,realm1.jpg)

File: c34b05cbe0e9bf0⋯.jpg (Spoiler Image,93.05 KB,800x600,4:3,realm3.jpg)

File: ff5bcf5c7506cde⋯.jpg (Spoiler Image,71.38 KB,800x600,4:3,realm5.jpg)

File: 25b7aa2fb319bb6⋯.jpg (Spoiler Image,56.42 KB,800x600,4:3,realm7.jpg)

File: 9e495d0c0b48f78⋯.jpg (Spoiler Image,103.24 KB,800x600,4:3,realm9.jpg)

>>38218

There is, but I've kind of a busy life what with being a live-alone wageslave trying to keep up with health-focused /fit/izenry – now there's an oxymoron in most cases! – and, well, I already spend at least five hours a week biking with a rickety POS through hilly ghetto-ville, heh. If only my apartment complex had a pool so I wouldn't have to get a $30-40 membership and find time to get there and back a few times a week. Though if they had a leg press machine (since my bum back won't safely allow squats or deadlifts, goddammit) that went up to 1000lb or more (once did PT at the doc's for, you guessed it, my back, and found I could leg press close to 700 for reps, which was their highest weight) I'd probably join up for the pool and that since leg press is probably the only thing I can safely do to train legs heavy.

Plus, well, eh I don't wanna bring down my mood after thinking about the miracle that is Hanako (and the rest of them in their own way; thinking of Emi is perfect for when I'm finding myself veering off into "can't…go…on…" mode while biking to work, for example) by typing up more whining and excuses after my day going even more downhill after hurting my back more than I thought I did overdoing it with the DB rows. So if anyone wants some sad cuntery I threw up throughout the day, I'll copy paste 'em in the next post or two.

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 No.38221

Today instead of yet another useless work out I could have had the time to blog what just appeared in my head: connecting calling oneself an introvert or hardcore gamer and so on with the likes of sexism and homophobia. But I don't have the time to explain myself because I only have the time before work to belt out a few quick posts while I dry off…

Maybe today's fail workout is good in that it yet again reminds me of that one Old Testament (I think?) quote, something like "bodily exercise profiteth little, but exercising spirituality and faith bears many more fruits" and so on. Looks like Alan Watts may be right again, in that it's foolish to plant one's flag at any one religion as it shuts out all the rest, which is intellectual suicide, and such. Because Venerable Master Hsuan Hua, one translator of the Diamond Sutra, has this to say about the subject: "If you do not believe (the body is like a shadow: empty and unreal) then just continue to be attached to your body,protect and maintain it, and see whether or not it dies." Extreme methinks as you can't meditate if you're sick, but he still has a point…

I just don't have the time to dedicate >7 hr/wk to cardio, so instead looks like I must slowly train myself to eat like a bird to lose weight. This is gonna suck.

Why am I bothering with fat loss despite my last post? Severe body image issues, also being overweight is even more unhealthy than smoking. Joy and rapture are two Factors of Enlightenment after all, and it's that much harder to be happy with such a powerful contributor to one of the Five Hindrances and one of the Three Poisons (namely: aversion/hatred) as being disgusted with what I see in the mirror! It'd be optimal to just not care about appearance, but the present me is incapable of such a feat…

Maybe there are some Sutras out there to teach how to uproot vanity?

Sure am glad I've learned a few techniques for not only identifying an event of Warning: Incoming Mad, but able to apply various methods of Activate Protocol: Calm The Fuck Down. I don't know how to do so for every situation, like when a customer is screaming in face or I'm trying to keep track of several kitchen orders, so in the meantime I'll just have to take the hits and hope I have enough emotional resources to handle it until I can later recover…

The likes of The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People would be very useful for me BUT:

• I'm very right-brained, so such structure especially of time bugs the hell out of me.

• It's irritatingly Protestant.

• At any time something can trigger me into a depression descent, necessitating an immediate Baby Talk Self Into Functional Grownup Mode act which can take an hour or longer, which would destroy any present hard schedule.

This lifestyle is unsustainable if I am to keep my sanity. I'm in need of serious time-saving substitutions. If that means slightly less healthy and more expensive (in some cases) choices (like canned beans over cooked lentils, and microwaving frozen broccoli instead of boiling produce, and those big bins of spring mix and such over raw cabbage that needs to be chopped then fed through a food processor before I can eat it, liquid egg whites instead of buying eggs and separating and tossing the yolks) so be it.

Back. Hurts. So. Much.

Almost lost my temper due to customers earlier on top of very bad back pain and all of today's events thus far. Had to hide away in a corner and pray for Buddha's patience while supervisors dealt with them for several. As one who spent 14 years in special education, I REALLY DON'T appreciate hearing 'retarded' used as a pejorative, y'know, and that wasn't the one that nearly brought me to my boiling point!

And later another customer calls ME retarded, and if I don't bend over and take it like a good little bitch I cut off my supply of food and shelter. Ho. Lee. Shit. Shaking with rage for hours trying to bottle it up, I still am so pissed off, can barely talk "off-script" and I probably come across as a robot and I don't fucking care right now because it's either sound like a drooling stammering moron or vomit hate-venom all over everyone who dares look at me. Literally came this close to pulling my register, counting down, and clocking out right then and there, the line behind that guy would've had to starve, and my bosses would:ve probably suspended me and I would have been happy for the days off. If I don't get over how utterly livid this rotten day has made me by tomorrow morning I'm calling off,thr 8 hours of overtime aint worth this, not even close. Cheeks still feel like spiders are crawling all over them, still feel like puking all over everyone and everyone from how disgusted I feel with this place right now. Ho. Lee. Shit.

I am half tempted, because of how wound up today made me, to walk home just to let the icy rain cool me off for an hour.

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 No.38223

File: 1eb4b016c58e90c⋯.jpg (64 KB,448x359,448:359,[083269].jpg)

>>38221

…aaaaand spent an hour typing and re-typing this giant wall of pity-party, then saying fuck more proofreading I need food and to get ready for work because I'm STILL shaken up over yesterday (and probably repeating myself several times over, sorry for that):

Not only did that guy call me that stomach-churning term but had to keep twisting the knife with that hateful “fake pity because I’m better than you” face and tone of voice telling me (implied & direct) that I “seem ‘different'”.

Might not sound like a big deal to most of you who have such traits as self-confidence. But for me, having been looked down upon like that many times (implied or direct), little makes me feel like a more inferior piece of shit.

I KNOW I’m ‘different’.

I KNOW I’m ‘weird’.

I KNOW I’m ‘not normal’ — whatever ‘normal’ happens to mean, I’m not it, therefore I’m subhuman slime, if my entire lifetime’s experiences with ‘normal’ people have made abundantly clear hundreds of times, having been told (implied or direct) that by virtue of ‘existing wrong’ I’m not worthy of ‘hanging with the beautiful people’ so to speak.

And all that’s been made loud and clear over and over my whole goddamn life. EVERY SINGLE DAY, WITHOUT EXCEPTION, IS A DEATHMATCH AGAINST MY OWN ‘BENT BRAIN’.

What I don’t know, however, is what precisely is wrong with me — I don’t need to be reminded that I’m a freak who is psychologically incapable of having a verbal conversation with another human being. I am incapable of making a face-to-face connection, there’s almost always a ‘glass pane’ or ‘closed window’ separating me from almost everyone else and I’ve long given up on trying, there is no hope for me, too late to learn how to be part of the human race.

Except, ironically, through the Internet where I have a chance to THINK, where there’s more than about a half-second window of opportunity to bark out a handful of ‘pre-scripted’ words like a robot (yes I’ve been called that too, been laughed at for it), and most others seem to know by instinct the ‘right’ things to say and how to say them, just seem to know the ‘correct’ moves of ‘social choreography’ that involves a lot more than just words that I have a vague understanding OF, but little ability to DO — much the same way a person can read about birds, but knows practically nothing on how to be a bird.

And that’s why it hurts so bad to be called a retard. I know what I am. I don’t need to be reminded that I’ll always feel like a foreigner. That there are ‘normal’ dudes who can beat off in the break room who will still be accorded more respect than ‘that one creeper’ who is the laughingstock of his family and workplace simply because he isn’t good at talking even if he’s a perfect little angel in every other aspect.

And yes, I realize a lot of people will just roll their eyes and think “get a load of THIS tough guy thinkin’ he’s all special snowflake blah-blah-blah” and those jackasses can go fuck themselves. I have no idea where these idiot ideas came from but there’s nothing ‘cool’ or ‘special’ or ‘romantic’ about being a mental fruits basket who wants nothing more than to live life, who has hopes and dreams like everybody else. But for whom must put up with all sorts of extra ‘invisible’ obstacles that only seem comprehensible to those with degrees in psychiatry, not the least of which is being perpetually looked down upon for being the pack omega.

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 No.38291

File: d44aa6292424ac4⋯.png (98.31 KB,246x246,1:1,sad remi.png)

>>37804

I appreciate your advice for how to catch the bus properly, most try so hard to persuade you otherwise even to the point of hurting the person they try to help so I am very happy about your advice. I have actually purchased a rope a few weeks ago and I learned how to tie a slipknot. I just need to get the last couple of things done and I may be ready to leave this world. I only hope there isn't an afterlife at all for me, I just want to rest.

>Can you tell me what were you doing for some of those people? Though I feel like those people are just dickheads that don't deserve your kindness.

I'm embarrassed to even think back on it but I know that I had deserved it in those moments. I think one instance was where I tried handing napkins to a child after he dropped a few drops of frozen yogurt and his parents just stared at me like I was planning to do something to him. It has been quite a while and I don't get as many opportunities to do nice things for people and I can't remember the examples I wanted to list but if I can remember quite a few of them involve me trying to do something nice and people just looking at me weird. It doesn't always happen, but I don't remember so well. Sometimes I think it might be in the way I dress or my appearance or just the fact that I'm a guy and people don't like guys being nice to kids.

In these past few months a friend I did research for used the research to help him achieve his dream of starting an anime store.

I also finally finished the fumo I wanted to make for another friend of mine, it is a fumo of his waifu. Now it is finished the last necessary obligation before I deem it okay to end myself is complete and I can just sort of do whatever until I decide I'm done with it all. I work on a nice custom for myself real quick but I don't know. I might just do it first thing after I send it off to my friend. I'll need to make a note too.

In the past few months since my last post I have left my home on the internet because I haven't felt welcome there anymore. I've searched for a new one and I found places for incels and wizards and such but I have found that I can't relate to them like I thought I would be able to because they are all so mean and they seem to like the idea of violent crusades against certain kinds of people. In a way, they don't seem to act much better than normals. To list an example, the word "subhuman" is one I have seen incels use freely. This leaves me with few people to truly relate to and talk to as friends.

I have been losing motivation and I can barely care about school anymore, the one thing my parents told me to place above all else in life.

I actually think about starting to smoke but I never get around to it and I would rather not damage my lungs.

Again, thank you for talking to me. I know a lot of people are here just to be ironic or whatever so I do appreciate it.

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 No.38329

Me again, dropping yet another massive textual deuce to maybe a few more pairs of eyes than I would otherwise as for some reason it makes me feel better knowing someone's going through the trouble of reading what I went through the trouble of throwing out of my head all over the floor in a big-huge disorganized mess of words (thanks to whomever does so by the way, and sorry that I probably barely make sense):

No Longer Buddhist, 1 of 4

I’m staring at this text editor, fingers unmoving, wanting to explain myself. Yet I find I lack the skill to both do my best to “translate my mind-pictures” into coherent words others might understand AND have those sentences be brief enough for anyone but me to actually read my “signpost” pointing to the blah-blahs in my gut. See? Can barely summarize why I feel unable to properly summarize!

So I guess I’ll pull a Rin Tezuka and merely *shrug* then something-something bullet list:

• Thanissaro Bhikkhu, Hsuan Hua, the Dalai Lama, and many others finally broke through my cement wall of stubborn pride, of desperate starving, to feel some sort of identity, belonging, and reason for living (see next sub-bullet) and convinced me I never had the “right” to call myself a Buddhist in the first place.

○ I was treating it as a form of “self-psychotherapy” as yet another attempt at escaping (or at least reducing) my near-constant and immensely overwhelming anger, misery, and hatred (most self-directed) that’s gnawed at my guts my entire life. Last night I read some things which informed me (like a ton of bricks) that that was totally the wrong way to go about Buddhism. And why? I’m terrible at balancing brevity and accuracy, remember? So, *shrug*.

○ This probably wasn’t their intention, but it’s what happened. And why? *Shrug*.

○ Something else I’m trying to say but blah-blah next point.

Oh wait never mind! I’ve already (probably) crossed the “too long; didn’t read” threshold of my Internet ADHD audience!! So I’ll split this into multiple posts. Maybe someday I’ll “complete” this someday… if doesn’t abate my incessant craving for others to care about what I care about (lifelong [mostly] lack of which is dreadfully bothersome), and I’ve just moved on and once again hid from my near-constant anger, misery, and self-hatred (due in part by lack of self-identity and life purpose [see my next post) by once again stuffing my head with video games, anime, and mindless Internetting.

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 No.38330

>>38329

No Longer Buddhist, 2 of 4

• I have never been either religious or spiritual, so I have no idea how to something-something alien concepts like “belief” and “faith” — prerequisites for the aforementioned.

○ Even Alan Watts explaining “‘belief’ is clinging; ‘faith’ is letting go” goes over my head as “letting go” is, likewise, an incomprehensible idea to me; maybe I’ll explore the “I have no idea what ‘letting go’ means” point in a later post.

○ I’ll at least include THE gut-punching wakeup call from Thanissaro Bhikku (buoyed by much else, but this was the straw that broke the camel’s back):

>Thus, for every listener, faith in the Buddha’s Awakening was a prerequisite for advanced growth in the teaching. Without faith in the fact of the Buddha’s knowledge of Unbinding, one could not fully accept his prescription…. Acquiring this faith is called “going for refuge” in the Buddha… This act of going for refuge is what qualifies one as a Buddhist — as opposed to someone simply interested in the Buddha’s teachings — and puts one in a position to benefit fully from what the Buddha taught.

• The situation described last time [link] is just like every other project to “self-improve to be less angry, miserable, and self-hating to ‘free up emotional baggage’ so I can finally go about feeling some sort of ‘life purpose’, ‘meaning for existence’, beyond my current entrapping vicious circle of Work, Chores, Sleep, Occasional Mindless Entertainment/Indulgence/Addiction, Repeat, in which I feel entrapped by because of the apparently impossible obstacles of overwhelming anger, misery, and self-hatred”.

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 No.38331

>>38330

No Longer Buddhist, 3 of 4

• I feel I am “unable” to practice Buddhism for the same “reasons” I “can’t” engage in any other project to “self-improve to be less angry, miserable, and self-hating to ‘free up emotional baggage’ so I can finally go about feeling some sort of ‘life purpose’, ‘meaning for existence’, beyond my current entrapping vicious circle of Work, Chores, Sleep, Occasional Mindless Entertainment/Indulgence/Addiction, Repeat, in which I feel entrapped by because of the apparently impossible obstacles of overwhelming anger, misery, and self-hatred” (eg bodybuilding, learning a new language, going to college…). And why?

○ Apparently insoluble issues of near-constant and overpowering levels of anger, misery, and hatred serving as the backdrop of nearly every waking moment.

○ My career which is highly ill-fitting (for “introvert” types or whatever less-sociable folk are called these days [possibly from one or more undiagnosed mental disabilities? I’m going to therapy to try and have all that sorted out!!]), coupled with keeping up with the chores of live-alone bachelorhood AND an extremely stressful (for me because see last parentheses) full-time job, feed into each other (along other things like resentment at my lot in life, free time spent recovering from the aforementioned instead of engaging in any other project to “self-improve…”, and such and so) and intensify my anger, misery, and hatred.

○ When I try to fit in a project to “self-improve…” in between work and live-alone/full-time bachelor “upkeep”, what eventually happens is the emotional baggage (from effort piled upon effort) builds and builds and builds and I eventually snap: nervous breakdown, anxiety shutdown, weeks of depression doldrums post rage and hate storm triggered by this and other things (like a coworker or my dad pissing me off) — whatever you wanna call it, I am a tremendously emotionally vulnerable individual.

○ This is why I’m going to therapy in the first place (as trying to fight things alone obviously has accomplished jack all): to get the Holy Grail of a diagnosis (or four) for whatever the hell is wrong with my head and start the treatment(s) I’ve needed my whole life so I CAN START LIVING, NOT JUST SURVIVE AS I HAVE BEEN FOR OVER 30 YEARS, I AM SICK TO DEATH OF FEELING LIKE THE ONE LIFE I’M EVER GOING TO HAVE IS ONE HUGE WASTE, BECAUSE WHEN I TRY TO ASSERT SOME CONTROL OVER MYSELF I TRIGGER A NERVOUS SHUTDOWN OR WHATEVER SO I’M CONSTANTLY LIVING IN FEAR AND OF WHAT A PATHETIC FREAK I AM, SCARED OF DOING ANYTHING THAT’LL SHATTER MY FRAGILE FOUNDATIONS, AND KNOWING THAT IF I DON’T DO ANYTHING I’M WASTING THE ONE EXISTENCE I’LL EVER EXPERIENCE AND THE IDEA THAT AT ANY MOMENT I CAN DIE BEFORE I LIVE SHOCKS THE SHIT OUT OF ME TO MY VERY CORE…

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 No.38332

>>38331

No Longer Buddhist, 4 of 4

• I could list a bunch of “reasons” here for why I feel forever drowning in anger, misery, and self-hatred despite little outward appearance suggesting I “should” feel such a thing, but that’s beyond the scope of these posts.

• Maybe I can just practice the “emotional/mental healing practices” of Buddhism and other religions/philosophies like Taoism for the sake of alleviating a little of my nigh-constant inner firestorm so, maybe, I can feel less of a purposeless, directionless waste of human existence. Like Alan Watts says:

Irrevocable commitment to any religion is not only intellectual suicide; it is positive unfaith because it closes the mind to any new vision of the world. Faith is, above all, openness – an act of trust in the unknown.

• Why am I so keen on the whole faith and belief thing, despite 30 years of “hard atheism”? Because I’ve experienced… things… I cannot explain that only religion and spiritualism seem to “point to”. And for many reasons which would take me several pages to express and explain — and once more, beyond the scope of these posts — I’ve never really been so into institutional science and other atheistic/political philosophies. And I’m not interested in kicking the fedora-tipper beehive anyway; I’d rather avoid sinking what little free time into stupid arguments with idiots. And so,*shrug.*

• *Shrug.*

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 No.38345

>>38331

>to get the Holy Grail

If you're looking for the Holy Grail, it's right here.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7wEgQ_01cXM

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 No.38348

File: 5a35898afe6f9b5⋯.png (279.39 KB,578x640,289:320,you win this time.png)

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 No.38364

File: 0f175d4096666b4⋯.png (399.01 KB,900x1000,9:10,__shiki_eiki_touhou_drawn_….png)

>>38332

>>38331

>>38330

>>38329

The important thing is that you are not lying to yourself my dude, you might not find the truth about what you are looking right now, but as long you don't lie you can have a goal and built a foundation based on that, that is what matters. Unfortunately life is filled with events that can make someone miserable, and I don't know how to help to understand spirituality, I am an agnostic and have never really put much about this subject and don't know how to help you.

Good luck with your therapy and search about spirituality.

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 No.38365

File: e7f35b58d482b9d⋯.jpg (87.46 KB,672x672,1:1,1505528424067.jpg)

Someone who had offered me help to escape my horrible life backed out at the last minute because of sudden circumstances. I'm not even angry or sad, just resigned, that no matter how much I try or hope I'll never be able to escape this goddamned life I was born into.

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 No.38373

File: 452d0bf8b3c3bd2⋯.jpg (99.99 KB,600x791,600:791,1263243942229.jpg)

Most other people seem to be able to, in an instant:

>Receive Information (eg being talked to)

>Comprehend It Fully

>Formulate A Verbal Response

>Respond Verbally (with "appropriate" tone-of-voice, facial expression, body-language, etc)

Things would be so much easier, I imagine, if whatever part of my brain that governs this "normal/healthy" process weren't malfunctional.

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 No.38374

File: dffa90dede615d7⋯.jpg (91.98 KB,800x652,200:163,__sagisawa_fumika_and_tach….jpg)

>>38365

>>38373

Hang in there

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 No.38397

They said I was a good friend. They invited me to play D&D with them. They said they were interested in me trying to run a black crusade adventure. They played twice without me (knowing my work schedule) and it's been two weeks and they haven't even looked into making characters.

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 No.38516

File: cc9f999a008c108⋯.png (514.97 KB,680x639,680:639,3b9.png)

I'm trying to find work doing freelancing stuff and am now realizing that it seems to be pretty hopeless for me since I'm not a people person at all, nor am I into constant self-promotion (assuming I even have the skills). All this "networking" stuff would be 100% insincere on my part considering that I don't care about any of these people in any meaningful sense and would feel like a sociopath doing it.

Not only do I hate dealing with people, but I'm chronically exhausted and can't think clearly. That means ordinary nine-to-five jobs are out (assuming I could even find one and get past interviews).

This wouldn't really be a problem if sites like Fiverr weren't a total rat race for beginners, but there's nothing stopping your post from getting lost in a sea of similar listings.

I want to make enough money to live a quiet, comfortable, independent life, but it feels like the whole world's against me.

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 No.38521

They say that we are a united front. They say I should communicate more. I call and get hung up on, and then am told off the next day for not calling around.

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 No.38523

>>38516

Don't try to wrap the world in leather, put on a pair of shoes.

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 No.38525

I am 100% doubtful I'll ever know what it's like to be happy. I am 100% convinced that the best I can hope for is that my perpetual struggle-battle to mitigate misery helped me tolerate that ball-and-chain attached to my neck at least a little while today. Even so, despite not just losing weight but a million-billion other little and big chess pieces against myself, I am always on the precipice of falling back down that perilous pit: one snotty comment from a coworker or a customer, one moment of my computer or Internet malfunctioning, one mystery medical bill in my mailbox, and suddenly I'm unstoppably spiraling down-down-down. And the only way I know short-circuit myself is to immediately whip out >$40 and run to one of the local Chinese or Mexican restaurants, or to Dominoes or Papa John's (fuck Pizza Hut), or to Walmart or Meijer to grab 3 half-gallon tubs of Reese's ice cream, and shovel 5000 calories of nutritional garbage down my throat. I know it's bad for me, I hate it and the ensuing guilt, I hate being so helplessly addicted to stuffing my stomach with shit. Most of my efforts in misery-mitigation is for the express purpose of pulling myself a little further away from that shit-pit than I was yesterday so tomorrow's little-big event doesn't kick me down into sad cunt town.

I wish so bad I weren't such an emotional little bitch that even WITH health-n-fitness, a battery of drugs (OTC and prescription), escapist hedonism I still engage in because I have little else to do during those short times off hamster wheel of work-chores-sleep-repeat to de-stress and recharge (doing anything more, especially social, would just pile it on ever harder and heavier), and binge-eating (most the time nowadays on veggies, egg whites, and other lower-calories deliciousness; gotta fill the void with something…) that I COULD "just do it" from expending all my non-work-chores efforts into mitigation-misery and instead into life-purposiveness to do what I want to do with the only life I'll ever have. But oh well. Not everybody was born to be happy, I guess. I am what I am and there's nothing I can do about it but swim through the bullshit as best I can.

But at least the swim is a lot less horrible nowadays with a less heavy ball-and-chain thanks to a much less heavy belly!! Still there (ball-n-chain and the belly), still a bitch to work with all the time, but eh. All my efforts haven't been for naught afterall. Can only hope to not find myself in yet another nervous breakdown backslide wherein I'm trading $300 to gain 30lb…

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 No.38565

>>38523

Easier said than done.

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 No.38573

In 2015 I left my job (entry level code monkey) to go back to university… I didn't really feel like it but I didn't have much direction in life and felt stuck in my dead end job, and I knew it would please my mom. However, my mom died shortly after and I dropped out of uni. I had some savings so I thought I'd stay NEET for a while to take her of my mom's inheritance (she had no will) and figure out what I want in life and get another job… it's been 3 years and I'm still a NEET, my savings are long gone and I'm living on welfare barely making end meet. I'm "looking" for a job which ends up being sending my resume somewhere once every three months and not getting a call back.

I have all these responsibilities I need to take care of and keep pushing it for later, which just makes my problems grow as new responsibilities arrive and I didn't take care of the old ones yet. I know I need to take of this shit and actually take my job search seriously, but I just… don't. I feels like the same as procrastinating on homeworks as when I was in school, except I'm not a kid anymore and it's not homework but important adult stuff. And the more I push my responsibilities away, the more I get anxious about finally doing them, which makes me delay it more. It's been 3 years and my mom's inheritance isn't even settled yet.

I don't feel suicidal but I have mood swings. One day I'll be optimistic about the future for no reason, the next day I'm back to being a depressed NEET with no future. I just wish everything could go back to normal when I had a job and could at least pay my bills without problem and didn't have to deal with inheritance papers and welfare papers I have to fill in monthly. I actually know more what I want to do in the future now compared to where I was 3 years ago, but the first steps necessary are to just get a job and start taking my responsibilities seriously and I can't do it.

Far less of a problem but I feel too emphatic about other people and feel like I don't belong anywhere because all my hobbies are segregated in different sub-communities that hate each other.

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 No.38581

File: f8e58bbce5cae27⋯.png (554.45 KB,640x950,64:95,1523637472238.png)

I…I don't know what I'm living for anymore. I'm trying my hardest in school yet my grades are average at best, I might be able to earn a good job but it definitely won't be what I want to achieve (a job that could make an impact, discovery, or just something that I could enjoy.) I might have a family but for some reason, a family has no real appeal to me. I believe I'm feeling this way because I've never had a "strong" family nor a strong community to be. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do, I've lost interest in many of my hobbies, I can't afford to start new ones/I have no motivation to, I'm incredibly exhausted most of the time and end up spending a lot of my time sleeping, and I talk to nobody. I think I like it that way though, a majority of online friends I've made have resulted in me blocking them out of fear. That was a bit of a messy ramble, I genuinely don't know what I'm doing.

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 No.38583

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 No.38587

Fighto friend 2 post above

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 No.38588

File: ff5c967029282fd⋯.jpg (513.08 KB,2048x1366,1024:683,Baby's first existential c….jpg)

>>38581

>I genuinely don't know what I'm doing.

I don't know if you've come across this guide, but perhaps it will help you. In any case I wish you luck in finding a path for your life.

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 No.38594

>>38588

that chart provides a very oversimplified and incorrect view of philosophy. i wish people would stop posting it

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 No.38602

File: dc0e0a3fdb4e68b⋯.png (720.42 KB,800x600,4:3,murakami chie plotting kir….png)

>>38594

It shall keep being used until someone puts together a better one. Hint!

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 No.38679

Warning: Incoming Blog

>"money isn't everything"

>"calm down / cheer up / who's in charge of how you feel: you or them?"

>"be the bigger [wo]man. / you choose to let them bother you. / who's in charge of your feelings: you or them?"

>"self-improve / to be better"

>"jus bee urslef :^)"

I don't know the meaning of any of the above, and I suspect nobody else does either. I suppose mere parroting of pious platitudes and other empty Disney B$ and little more. Here's what I think they mean based on the context I keep hearing these irritating phrases and their ilk:

>"money isn't everything"

<TRANSLATION: "My food, clothes, shelter, car, and phone all come from good vibes, bro. *puff puff pass* lol wut r bills herp derp"

>"calm down / cheer up / who's in charge of how you feel: you or them?"

<TRANSLATION: "Despite ostensibly living as a human being (and not, say, an alien robot) long enough to have figured out how to form coherent sentences, I somehow believe thoughts and emotions are under one's control (that I can flip a mental lightswitch from sad to happy and so on) and not phenomena that 'happen to me' 'outside' my conscious efforts in much the same way one cannot CHOOSE to fall asleep or get hungry. lel wut is therapy and antidepressants, wut r heartbreak and violent crimes, hue hue hue *drool*"

>"be the bigger [wo]man. / you choose to let them bother you."

<TRANSLATION: "Bend over and take their bullying/harassment like the good little doormat you are and don't you dare gimme no back-sass – and if you defend yourself and fight back, YOU'RE the one who's gonna get it little boy/girl!! I wonder what causes school shootings, by the way? Must be rock 'n' roll Dungeons & Dragons video games smartphones…"

>"self-improve / to be better"

<TRANSLATION: "I want to make things worse by trying to make them better; I have no idea what exactly I mean by 'better', 'improve', or 'self', therefore I have no measurable means to accomplish my goal(s) so I'm following as nebulous a concept as 'I want to lose weight' or 'I want to get "jacked"'."

>"jus bee urslef :^)"

<TRANSLATION: "Be an obnoxious, auto-fellating hypocrite."

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 No.38683

>>38679

You're pretty woke in my opinion, this is really victim-blaming, a depressed or mentally ill person is often blamed, putting all the fault on one person, instead of seeing the person in the context of environment, circumstances, all causal patterns really.

Other than that some of these cultural meme phrases like "Cheer up!" have good intentions, optimism can help some people a lot.

I've thought alot about "self-improvement", this can lead to a lot of self-hate instead I think. At least if you believe you are a problem, you need to improve, you are broken, and so on.

A schizophrenic or whatever would do better improving his enviroenment, improving external circumstances instead of going into introspective lunacy.

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 No.38732

I am too nice to have a girlfriend :(

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 No.38750

File: 75514075ce31217⋯.png (664.5 KB,753x600,251:200,WHAT.png)

>>38683

>being called "woke"

Wow, thank you. Took so long to respond mostly due to embarrassment.

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 No.38755

every single server on discord has rules longer than an employee handbook (because censoring conversation on the internet is more important than customer service lmao) full of powertripping dick swinging moderators that analyze messages looking for additional reasons to ban people that aren't even on the list, like tone.

but their clique of retards get away with anything of course

every single server i've joined today, someone is banned within five minutes of me joining. people are banned in the waiting room sometimes even, i saw a guy get banned over his username, he hadnt even written a message yet. it wasnt inflammatory either.

where the fuck am i supposed to go, im lonely as shit, and i cant even have a normal conversation without a piece of shit mod going "thats the wrong channel"

fucking people complain about the government in EU countries censoring people. ive never been banned by government agents, just 14 year old cliques. peers censor peers more than the government censors us. it's sad as hell

and everyone applauds and kisses the mod's ass when they ban someone instead of going "was that really necessary? that seemed like an abuse of power"

of the thousands of people ive witnessed banned i've only seen one user other than me say "that was bullshit"

church groups probably allow more freedom of speech than the average discord server does

it's cause when you give mod powers to 30 mods all of them compete to get the most bans to impress the admin or some shit. too many crooks in the kitchen, as chris-chan says.

i've been banned for saying "dragon ball z sucks". I've been banned for saying "4chan isn't full of racists anymore and has more in common with tumblr nowadays."

the second one happened just today, that's why it's such a specific example

i made my own server once that was anarchy more or less. the only rules were no spam and no illegal content. it went really well. but im too mentally ill to be in charge of anything. someone could give me a task as simple as watching over a cup of water and i would fuck it up.

i tried giving the server away to someone else and LITERALLY INSTANTLY he censored three people. so i deleted it. it lasted a week. it was one of the only times i've ever been happy on discord. didnt have mod fucks ruining my good vibes.

i have no friends irl and mods are ruining the internet for me

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 No.38756

>>38755

>where the fuck am i supposed to go

Where non-normalfriends have chatted since before the world wide web: IRC. None of that proprietary garbage.

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 No.38757

>>38756

i tried that before of course. everywhere that had a topic i was interested in got an average of 1 post per five hours. do you have any recommendations for channels with just general chat?

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 No.38785

>>38757

Sorry I'm not much of a chatter except with my one good friend on Skype. (And we're only there because we used to chat on MSN Messenger back in the day.) But if you find one let us all know! Or, hey, maybe someone wants to start a #kind channel?

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 No.40214

sucks there is nowhere on the internet or real life to talk about feeling bad

dead thread, dead board, dead site

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 No.40217

File: cc246b5c85dd18d⋯.jpg (113.03 KB,1167x908,1167:908,a7f3e2ef0456ecdd002996e984….jpg)

>>40214

How may I be of comfort in this trying time?

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 No.40222

>>40217

I'm a diagnosed sperg khv who had become more outgoing over the last year thanks to a local meetup group. I met a qt church going girl and fell age meeting her a few times and discovering she's single. I asked her how the search for a guy was going and she said she'd put it on hold until after Easter, but then I asked her out anyway even though I knew what that meant and I feel like shit. I could have said something like oh I'll ask you out in April then but I was just so hyped with the plan I had that my linguini got away from me. Last night I find out she's been out of state partying and doing keg stands and probably sleeping with at least one guy.

At least now I can feel vindictive and resentful instead of pathetic. Why is everyone on the coast full of shit?

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 No.40223

>>40222

Use your autism to get good at coding or something that will make you money and disregard roasties.

If you have money then the roasties may show interest.

But it's a really terrible situation. Keep doing meetup and try doing hobbies you like. There might be maker spacers, art or dev meetups.

You'll meet more people. And in meeting more people you might meet a nice gril.

If you want to go really extra, you can try yoga or something else like that which would be heavily tilted towards females.

Goodluck.

If its any consolation, most people on 8ch have similar lady problems. I honestly don't even try anymore. But I should.

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 No.40227

>>40223

I have some money I just don't know how to spend it in ways that impress women.

Spectrum uprising when?

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 No.40231

>>40227

>I just don't know how to spend it in ways that impress women.

Simple: fuck bitches; get money. Why? Chase women, you'll have neither women nor money. Chase money, you'll have money and women.

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 No.40241

>>40227

My unironic advice is to use a legal hooker from a legally regulated brothel. Because of work I lucked out and ended up working for a few weeks in a country where it's legal and regulated.

It's how I lost my wizardhood. They'll most likely line up who is available. You'll talk to the girls. Pick the one that you like the best and that seems happiest to see you. Also be upfront that you haven't done anything and that you are shy.

>I have some money I just don't know how to spend it in ways that impress women

Firstly don't spend beyond your budget. Have nice clothes that you like, a nice watch and a decent clean looking car that you like and have your own place. You aren't gonna impress the ladies by living with mommy.

If you have hobbies such as biking, jogging or tennis, that may be enough to find people to talk to.

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 No.40245

>>33181

Start doing graphic design short gigs off craigslist. Get used to not getting paid or not paid all the way. Its the only way to get experience when you don't have it. Or if you can do the work & can be a creative liar fool soimeone into thinking you have experience, Use your skills don't go to the grocery store. Also fuck what the grocery store says about your requirements.

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 No.40246

>>40241

I could clean my car tonight, and get a hair cut, and wash my bedsheets, and throw away some things.

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 No.40297

Few nights ago:

>Coworkers in the kitchen behind my kitchen (different dept) start yelling at each other

>Getting louder and louder; extremely bothersome

>(I was abused as a child and my parents fought, so people shouting really screws me up, and I was already irritated about a hard day at work)

>(Of course I didn't say this because it's none of their business, and I would just get made fun of anyway)

>I call supervisors on radio

>several minutes pass, nobody has arrived

>Coworkers now screaming at each other

>Call supervisors again

>Coworkers screaming still; I'm getting pissed and can't concentrate on MY job

>Angrily grab radio for the third time and tell supervisors that I will call security if I must

>Supervisors finally arrive

>Coworkers finally quiet down, but supervisors first gang up on me: "Eric, if there's a problem, what do you do?" "…call a supervisor." "Yes, you call us and we'll take care of it." Well then what am I being bitched at for?! Coworkers were escalating their argument FAST and several minutes had past and no supervisor had come! They were DISTRACTING me from MY job!!

>One of the coworkers from the other kitchen shout at me: "we were just having a disagreement!"

>Supervisors don't even look in their direction, still staring at me

>I shout back: "then disagree like adults!"

>Supervisors start scolding me, not them, for doing the exact same thing

>What was I supposed to do? Bend over and take it? And why was it okay for them to do the exact same thing to me?

>So like high school it disgusts me to nearly puking

>About to FMLA right then and there

>Those coworkers spend the rest of the shift throwing all sorts of little comments at me like "we gotta be quiet or we'll have the cops called on us!!" and so on dozens of times

I don't bother saying anything back because prior experiences at this job (for example, that very day), previous jobs, and my schooling have taught me that authority figures do not give a fuck about bullies

>Chuck this upon the mile-high pile of being punished because I missed an I or a T to cross when reporting to authority figures about this or that (I'm fucking AUTISTIC, how the FUCK am I supposed to know what iddy bitty widdle thingies I'm doing "wrong" when doing exactly what I was TOLD to do??), or was a little forceful about it, despite just about everyone else apparently allowed to jump up and down and throw things all day long but I gotta be a Good Little Boy(tm) and a Per fect Little Angel(c) about everything at all times

>If this and all the other similar times isn't mistreatment, isn't workplace bullying, I don't know what is

>But saying anything is "hearsay" and "who's in charge of your emotions: you or them?" and "you choose to let them bother you!" and all the other shitty remarks those very same supervisors have plopped upon my head

>But I bet if I say anything of the sort to anyone else or THEM I'm getting written up or worse

>And this is why I'm FMLA'ing today and tomorrow: they wanna let people walk all over me but I so much as speak up in my defense I'm stomped back down then FUCK THEM, I'm sick and tired of doing what I'm told I'm supposed to do when a situation arises but then I'm bitched at about doing it a little wrong or whatever, so sick and tired of it, what do they exect me to do next time take matters into my own hands or what?

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 No.40298

>>40297

Today before going home. Well okay, I admit this one's on me. But I'm sure you'll be amused:

>yet another speedy Saturday

>was breaker so I was in the kitchen for a bit to cover a break

>once again getting frustrated due to a good amount of time of certain someones chit-chatting instead of getting to the >10 orders we had

>they weren't doing it often but it was often enough to get under my skin

>more than once one of them coming to the back for no other reason than to yuck it up for a spell

>my tension level was already high from being on register almost non-stop for hours; still better than if I were in the kitchen with the same customer traffic, though, but anyway

>after coming back to the front, I don't know what got in me, but after some time there were about five in the back and two in the front and I was asking if anyone could take orders out which OFC they didn't

>the other cashier said something about there being so many…

>…or did me once snapping into the back, after one too many times of them all just chit-chatting and such, "THIS AIN'T A HIGH-SCHOOL GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM: GET TO WORK!!" I can't remember which came first

>but eventually I called the supervisor on the radio, and when he came I snapped at him "There's 5 in back, 2 in front, WHY is this acceptable?!" but I didn't see his reaction because I immediately went back to the customer in front of me all friendly-toned and such

>remarks from the back about me not being a supervisor, "uh oh he's gonna call security!", blah-blah-blah

>but when that customer was leaving I remarked to him something along the lines of "I'm sorry it's going to take a while longer than usual since I'm not here to carry the team back there" or something, which got the supervisor to immediately pull me to the side and yell at me not to talk to customers that way, not to talk to coworkers that way, and not to talk to him that way, stuff like "I am here to help, I am not a piece of shit," and so on

>funny thing is, I really don't think I said anything worse than I've heard the likes of Felicia and Jonas say over and over and I don't remember anything like that kind of reaction over it

>maybe I'm just a lot more nasty when I'm spitting venom?

>it would be easy to spin this into a "poor widdle oppressed Ewic" moment but I understand I got vile and vicious with everyone today

>but hey it felt nice to finally use the "not a girl's locker room" line I've dreamt up of saying dozens of times but today it finally shot out of my mouth!

>maybe I should get nasty more often to see if they let me get away with it like I've seen other coworkers get away with the same or worse with little more than a slap on the wrist

Okay, now I'm gonna start reading ze wall… might not have the energy to reply right away but a head-start on thinking of replies… or sommat…

(Also, I never know whether to post this kind of thing in here or the "get it off your chest" thread.)

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 No.40307

>>40297

>>40298

sounds like a case of coordinated intimidation and hostility intended to make you quit

keep a journal of these incidents and when you have a dozen call a lawyer

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 No.40329

File: 516365b368ccc22⋯.png (1.7 MB,1921x1079,1921:1079,2019-03-22 (1).png)

>>40307

I hope not, but it wouldn't surprise me. Anyway, not gonna bother "properly" converting another shitty day to greentext:

>Second time my CC company (separate from my bank) is interpreting one small payment as THOUSANDS, which I DO NOT HAVE in the bank. It's now too late to cancel the payment so I had to call my bank to reject it which is costing me $36… I re-emphasis: A-G-A-I-N!!

>For about 3 or 4 reasons, today has been so mentally draining I'm probably gonna FMLA tomorrow so I don't bring a hair-trigger temper with me. I don't need to deal with the consequences of screaming in my supervisor's face a second time!

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 No.40395

File: 45cad29fcc24996⋯.jpg (50.73 KB,1093x442,1093:442,2019-04-25 17.02.27.jpg)

Doubled my anti-depressant and started me on this to help sperging at work.

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 No.40406

File: 3edb646930cf513⋯.jpg (160.84 KB,1316x640,329:160,depression.jpg)

This is what depression looks like. Not pictured: four or five empty pizza boxes on the other side of the room and my bedroom.

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 No.40410

File: 27a43024b23d09d⋯.png (1.25 MB,2392x1440,299:180,Capture _2019-02-21-17-03-….png)

>>40406

Clean up your damn room

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 No.40414

I try my hardest to stay happy, but there's gonna be a point where I might just explode.

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 No.40421

Time to copy-paste from failbook IM a giant wall of text to a coworker:

>Today I gave [girl] a few Crush sodas as a kind of corny/casual way of telling her how I feel. I'm thinking she either didn't get it or is just ignoring it. I'm still too much a beta to outright say it to her face but hey, baby steps amirite?

<You do know your not in her shade right? Sorry to bust your balls brother.

>No, she's in mine cuz, well, shadow…

>But eh, better than to keep it to myself forever.

>Worst thing is she says no.

<NO you flirt away practice makes perfect.

>But she makes it too easy she pretty much just smiles and giggles at everything I say or do.

>Even, like, playing with her hair or poking her cheek.

>And, well, all the times I've caught her out of the corner of my eye staring at me or kind of looking then quickly looking away.

>Have you noticed her putting her hands on anyone else? Like, friendly pats and such? She's done that to me quite a bit but I can't recall her doing the same to others.

>I woke up after dreaming of making out with [girl]. GOD DAMN IT.

>And last week I dreamt I saw her arm-in-arm with someone else and feeling burning jealousy. And gutstabbed when later I tried and she rebuffed me. Grrr, this is highly bothersome.

<Yeah even though I'm married I understand what your going through. I used to have the hots for this guy years ago and finally we hooked up once before I was married and now it bothers me even seeing him when I do.

>Sucks that I've had feelings for her as long as last October or November. It's a lot stronger when I'm in a depressive state; otherwise she's just a cute lady with pretty eyes and a lovely smile. But even then the first time I see her or hear her name in a day I get a hot flash in my cheeks and a cold "sinking" down through gut. Never felt so strongly towards anyone like that before. And I can even understand, logically, why and even how this came about. But surely you've heard enough about my thirsty beta, beta-orbiting, AFC, oneitis-afflicted sorry ass… ??

>I don't even think of her in a sexual way. Like, at all. Well okay I've checked out her booty a few times when up close but other than that…

>Sorry, you're the first person I've told anyone of this. Been eating away at me trying to keep it to myself, especially a whole heap of negative self-talk about mu being absolutely convinced a thin, pretty thing like her would barf at the idea of being with a disgusting, sick-in-the-head, zero-status, boring landwhale like myself. Hell, if they REALLY got to know me (and not the cheery-when-not-moody mask/face I wear at work) I'm sure people like Sarah Sims, Lillie, and Felicia would probably think of me (in terms of physical, personality, and social-standing attractiveness) like a puddle of diseased dog diarrhea.

(the body was too long)

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 No.40422

>>40421

>Again, sorry for the ranting, it just feels nice to bitch and moan and get my whiny candyassery off my chest. Thank you for listening. I mean that.

>(I brought up those three as examples of women who, even I though chubby, could most likely get much better dicks [metaphorically and literally] than mine.)

>Sorry if I'm coming across as sexist for ranking looks and so on… I'm just seeing pretty much every woman as far superior in equivalent attractiveness in every respect (looks, personality, etc) so why should I expect anyone to take me as better than a joke and a failure of a man.

<Your a great guy and will find your diamond. Just let her find the gold heart of yours. None of those women are even worth a minute of Anon's time. You are strong, handsome and friendly someone will come along soon. Anytime you wanna rant I'm here to listen. Thank you for working with me today. You are Awesome!!

>Meh. I've already resigned to dieing a kissless virgin. I'm damaged goods (mentally and physically) and my only means of getting myself or another wet is settling for equally damaged goods, and I'm too much of a psychotic fuggo to put up with, I don't have the energy to deal with another of my "level". Ah well, there's always pr0n and J-Pop to keep The Bad Feels relatively escaped from for a little while at a time.

>Eh, don't mind me, I'm in Depress-o Mode from caffeine crash mostly. I'll probably feel relatively better after a good night's rest. ??

>Hopefully I'll have that "comfortable emptiness" within instead of puking and sobbing like a little bitch. ??

>Anyway, let's see if I can explain why I've fallen so hard for that little brat. (Yes gonna go on about her some more ?? )

>at first she's like maybe 1/3 other coworkers in our dept.: pretty enough to catch my eye

>then I start to notice she has a REALLY pretty smile, and she's only a few steps away from being 'my type' physically, and I start thinking "she's super-cute, I will mess with her just to see if I can't make her grin"

>she responds positively to my "mock light-flirting" and (when I got enough guts to push my luck) even hair strokes & cheek pokes

>notice she acts more-or-less the same when other guys act the same with her

>but then a few times she would stop and chit-chat with me when I'm alone in the break room or counting down my drawer – wait, did she do this before or after I began to like her? I can't remember.

>I distinctly remember other things, like:

>giving me a much different kind of smile I hadn't watched her give anyone else that struck me square in the sternum

>that other time I was crouched while filling condiments and every time she'd walk past me to deliver orders she'd run her fingers over the back of my neck (which I thought was accidental the first few times) but then she'd stop for a moment to tap-tap or scritch-scritch (that's clearly… unless she's done such to other dudes…)

>several other times catching her out of the corner of my eye staring at me or glancing in my direction with incredibly sad expressions

>offering to help and sometimes ask if I need water when I'm stressing out

>patting me on the back when walking past or near me

>once gently took my elbow and asked how I was

>such as the above few got me REALLY thinking about her: "does she like me? feel sorry for me?" though several happened after.. well, keep reading

>but any positive considerations would almost always be shut down by me following up such thoughts with the likes of

(the body was [still] too long)

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 No.40423

>>40422

>"a cute li'l sweetheart like her would never be interested in your lardass, she's just a cock-teasing slut, look at how she interacts with everyone else, no one would ever be interested in you, you have nice hair/eyes/face but she'd gag if she ever saw you shirtless and especially pantsless and/or learned of the 'real you' how even uglier you are on the inside than the outside, you will die alone and unloved as you deserve to you worthless excuse of a little boy"

>blah-blah-blah, such self-defeating thoughts inevitably arise when I register even the littlest hint of a girl being even the littlest bit interested in or attracted to me…

>I didn't really like her yet, but I was REALLY close

>then the moment I realized she kinda-sorta resembled a celebrity I DID crush on at that time, [finger-snap] I had a kind of "crush-transference" and from that instant on I've hardly been able to keep her out of my thoughts for too long

>most two or three times a week, in between periods when she's near-daily (or sometimes hourly!) she or at least her name has intruded on my conscious day-dreaming

>depending on my mood my physiological reaction to such mental/emotional meanderings goes from (at most "positive") of a light-hearted, "fluffy warmth" that usually necessitates I breathe deeply once or twice to calm myself, to (at most "negative") a long, rusty, salted knife twisting into my abdomen

>typically somewhere between these extremes

>but either way wish to fuck I could get her out of my head, out of my head, out of my head, so damned distracting most the time, wish I was still in Supernormal-Stimulation mode from stuffing my eyes with sexy/cute anime to which I've pretty much outgrown…

>or at least "enjoy" my celebrity crushes knowing I'm only perving on an unobtainable act which is far "better" than having the steak wafting right under my nose; seems "better" to crave a steak on television than unable to take a bite when it's close enough for me to just lean in a little closer and chomp-chomp…

>. . . brevity is the soul of wit, so they say. But I'm quite the lackwit blunderer I would say!

Other facts:

>she did have a boyfriend, not sure if she does now but that boyfriend died (either a car accident or he got shot, I forget which) and I don't know if she's found another

>she's acted this way towards me and let I and other guys "flirt" with her even when she wasn't single (assuming she is now?)

>this is a red flag telling me even against all odds she'd want to date me that I shouldn't… but emotion refuses to listen to reason… ugh…

>whenever I've seen her be chit-chatty with other dudes, smiling and giggling and so forth, many times I've wished to scream and break their arms and so forth; would likely be MUCH worse if she were my girlfriend; what a possessive asshole I am, huh?

>oh yeah almost forgot: once she wanted me to tell another coworker something but I was about to leave, and she actually gave me her phone number to text her the other worker's response. let me re-iterate: A GIRL I LIKE GAVE ME HER PHONE NUMBER. I was walking on clouds for days

>when I texted her about such-and-so and she thanked me, for like every 3-5 days afterwards I tried texting her, until after like 3 or 4 messages I wasn't getting any responses I gave up and figured she was ignoring or blocked me which pissed me off; I really fucking hate being ignored, especially over the Internet'

>I'd sometimes ask about that in person and she'd tell me she doesn't get my texts… heh… something tells me she's lying… too convenient… but oh well, it's her choice, her business to (if I'm correct in my assumption) be two-faced like that… but still hurts

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 No.40424

>>40423

Coworker I was chatting with came back online and had this to say:

<If she gave you her number before January she has changed it due to family issues.

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 No.40441

>>40424

UPDATE: Finally saw her today. She let me know that I had her old number, and when I asked she gave me her new one. Also, while talking to her, she told me she was single.

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 No.40444

File: 57672363b7b49f4⋯.gif (493.84 KB,646x466,323:233,1475772047504.gif)

>>40441

Another update: she didn't respond to my handful of texts. run sadcunt.exe

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 No.40455

File: 7b41ad422ea068a⋯.jpg (1.35 MB,1920x1200,8:5,Jenseits der Wolken, der O….jpg)

>>40444

tl;dr update: we're now trading texts occasionally, I was just being an impatient little bitch

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 No.40510

>>40455

Congrats on becoming a hyper chad normalfriend. don't mess it up. Good luck. Have fun

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 No.40773

File: 52e939934cbc8f9⋯.jpg (112.71 KB,1920x1080,16:9,IMG_6716.JPG)

I feel constantly torn between my desire to have friends and my desire to be alone. I've been trying to condense all my feelings into a single post for months, but it just isn't coming together, so this will be a jumbled wall of text I hope no one reads.

Being alone feels good for the most part and I don't enjoy being around other people, yet I feel drawn to them like a moth to a flame and every single time I act on this impulse, I regret it. Not because I run into bad people or anything, but because I find social relationships unbearably awkward, stressful and confining. For as long as I can remember, I've been stuck in this perpetual cycle of making friends, abruptly cutting ties with them, seeking them out again or making new friends, then cutting ties with everyone. On and on it goes. The few times I've brought this up with someone, the response has always been that having friends is good and that I should try to find some kind of balance, but for me it's an on/off thing. If I have even one friend, I can no longer enjoy the parts of being alone that I like, and the loneliness doesn't go away either.

From about 2012 to 2017, I didn't really talk to anyone except my brother and it went well, but two years ago I decided to make friends again and since then everything has become a bit irregular. I feel lonelier than ever, yet I find friendships even more unbearable than before. Nothing satisfies me anymore. I made a friend last year who was perfect in pretty much every way. Kind, easy to talk to, relaxed and non-judgemental, etc. We talked every day all year long pretty much, but I still stopped talking to him out of the blue last December and while it was almost unbearably painful for the first month, the truth is that I don't miss him at all now. Despite having the ideal, dream friend, I view last year as a mistake and I regret it. Every time I want to make new friends now I feel like 'no, never again'.

For the past eight months I've avoided people and haven't visited imageboards either, and I've been doing much better than usual. I've had a few opportunities to make new friends and every time I've recoiled. Still, I have this gnawing feeling sometimes that I'm doing everything wrong, that I'm going to regret not having friends, but I just can't accept it. When I was younger, I used to be able to throw myself into my solitary lifestyle and not think about this sort of thing, but that doesn't work anymore, hence my confusion.

I don't think there's a solution. I just wanted to vent a little. I feel like this post is too long; I'm sorry.

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 No.40799

Sometimes I think about how I could die any day, any time. People can die in traffic accidents, for instance. And almost nobody can avoid traffic.

I think about how I don't want to die and how I keep postponing doing the little things I wanted to do but have problems finding courage or time away from school to actually do that.

I think about how I keep only looking after myself. Even though, its critical time in my life… I kind of regret not being more kind to my mom. I regret being cold to her and blaming her, in my mind, for something she doesn't know is happening and about which she can do little to change.

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 No.40819

I don't have anyone to talk to and this board is dead.

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 No.40907

I looked through my old school photos and yearbooks and saw a lot of evidence girls were into me that I never pursued.

Also messed up a relationship with a good girl because I was a coomer. There were problems but would've liked to see where it went. It felt like a real love story you know meeting in person being similar and having similar pasts. Both my old jobs told me to not be a nice guy but I saw flaws in the guys there that I pointed out to myself as justification for staying the same. I even tried to be an asshole and ruined things more. Just now I swallowed my pride and read up on nice guys and saw that you have to be confident and stick up for yourself and speak up but you can still be nice. I wish I knew a lot earlier. I feel a little bitter still about my past and not having family to rely on, but I know I have to push through this pain. I know a gf won't fix me but it's what I wanted for a long time and I got close. I just have to fix myself more. I made a big mess and dug myself into a hole. Even a year ago with a worse job I was doing better.

At least knowing someone might read this helps. I know some anons go through similar things.

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 No.40910

>>40907

How did you mess up the relationship?

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 No.40913

File: 1c551ee0dd7644d⋯.png (1.06 KB,500x250,2:1,Oekaki.png)

ive wasted my entire life playing video games and i still suck at all of them

i almost broke my pc punching it out of frustration. i cant even be mediocre at something that isnt real and doesnt matter .

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 No.40915

File: 6ad2c9dc08f6d4b⋯.jpg (110.25 KB,725x864,725:864,2fcd748eb22cb5758c8512a8f2….jpg)

I grew up having autism and pretty nasty depression, but only later in my early adult years have recently realized I have OCD as well, and that primarily it effected my education without me even realizing it. It 's gotten to the point now where it became primarily thoughts about doing horrible things to other people usually children or animals, and although I can cope with it now, I'm fairly certain I can never open up to anyone about it ever in any capacity. They just won't understand and assume I'm some sort of evil psychopath. The combination of being a sperg and having pretty nasty depression already made me a huge target to avoid amongst "friends" in high school, but this added variant of OCD involving doing unspeakable things to people seems to solidify that I will never have friends in my life.

So essentially now I'm undeducated because I was too prideful to admit I had a problem earlier in my high school life, I can't make friends because litterally everything I do is shitty and they expect me to know why and I fucking don't, and I'm constantly dealing with unwanted thoughts about being a pedophile or a murderer or mutilating myself. I didn't ask to be like this. Life's a joke.

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 No.40916

File: bc16e300fac3baa⋯.jpg (195.76 KB,750x750,1:1,bc16e300fac3baa946fcd8bd7f….jpg)

>>40915

I have thoughts like that and when I was tested they said I didn't have OCD. Pretty sure intrusive thoughts about killing and deviant sexual acts are universal to men. I mean throughout all of human history men have been killing and raping kids so its to be expected that our 'instincts' wouldn't just disappear over night. Anyway take the schizoidpill so you won't give a shit about friendship.

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 No.40917

>>40916

>>take the schizoidpill

What does that mean?

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 No.40918

>>40917

You have to schizoidmax by going out into the wilderness and endure mind breaking loneliness. You will eventually lose all social desires.

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 No.40943

File: a3d68aeff656413⋯.png (99.53 KB,454x440,227:220,Screen_Shot_2020_03_22_at_….png)

In my attempt to reply to a thread in crystal cafe I created a new thread by accident.

Kekapalooza.

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 No.40952

>>40943

>crystal cafe

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 No.40953

File: 8990b92ec7bd263⋯.jpg (28.53 KB,275x400,11:16,51Q2YSCDBWL_AC_SY400_.jpg)

What? No cg remake as well? :(

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 No.40960

File: 11865fdda85e9a1⋯.png (682.47 KB,1042x708,521:354,Screen_Shot_2020_03_27_at_….png)

I'm glad I left twitter after only lasting five and a half months.

My nasty tone would've gotten me banned anyway.

It barely even belongs in imageboards.

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 No.40964

File: cee4bc4d7836c0d⋯.gif (100.43 KB,320x180,16:9,8c171f91331291e46052b85fe3….gif)

I am sooooooooooooooooo sleep deprived right now. Serves me right for believing stronk coffee at 12 am would cure me art block.

Naptime.

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 No.40978

I can feel the worst of me on its way.

I'd rather not get into detail other than it's impossible to contain it regardless of how positive of a spin I try to keep. It's happened before, so I'm taking a break until April 17th.

However, before I leave I want to clarify one thing:

Unless you've seen The Wrestler and…a certain music video that lasts over 7 minutes long and…sounds like the angriest Taking Back Sunday song you will ever hear in your life, the way I and my siblings feel about how certain people in my life have treated us is none of your BS.

Take care.

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 No.40994

YouTube embed. Click thumbnail to play.

Pentti Linkola passed away today. This sucks.

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 No.41026

TomSka was right: we can never outlive nor live down our pasts.

The tough yet horrifyingly gruesome, if somewhat edgy, side of me knows this.

The weak side, however, just wants to keep being that nice little child who tried his hardest to see the best in everyone until he was mentally raped to death.

Again, maybe that's the former speaking, but as if people who judged others for being edgy didn't end up blindly becoming 10x edgier themselves only to crawl into denial to avoid carrying the weight of their actions.

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 No.41029

File: 0409451c30f1242⋯.jpg (174.38 KB,1210x896,605:448,1555708769060.jpg)

Imageboards are 4chan or dead i dont like discord

what do i do now?

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 No.41032

File: 1e6f4e4fdf08f24⋯.jpg (79.8 KB,519x428,519:428,20200426_142943.jpg)

Sometimes I can't tell if certain imageboards want to bring out only the best in me or only the worst.

It certainly mostly feels like the latter.

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 No.41039

File: db08aada1c48a98⋯.jpeg (9.67 KB,476x360,119:90,images.jpeg)

>>41032

I'm not going to pretend I'm not a cunt,