Well obviously no one cares. I don't know what I expected.
I mean I know what I expected. But I actually did sleep on it for a bit, and maybe I compensated for it emotionally a bit better. But it still sucks. I'm just gonna straight up blogshit at this point.
No one loves me. Like actually no one loves me. You hear people say all the time that no one loves them. But no one loves me.
I have a boyfriend. And as soon as I say that, everyone will laugh and virtue signal about how funny and socially unacceptable literal fags are, cause wew, epic level of discourse on le bumhole of the internet and all that. But I'm not sexually attracted to humans. At first I thought I was enough for my boyfriend. But I'm not. Ever since I realized that I was indoctrinating myself into knowing happiness from humans, cause I couldn't read anything; I vaguely tolerated some subject matter with humans, but criticizing or justifying anything human was socially unacceptable, since all I knew started from… socially forfeit…
For example, I don't like eyes. Not on some perverted being evil to humans shit, but earlier than the precedent for entertaining the thought of humans, I don't feel eyes should exist. To me no one should even "look" at anything; they should just have memory of their surroundings, so the precedent for learning isn't there: it's just knowledge. It's a lot of shit that if you say out loud, people just call you autism. But now I can articulate it across a formula.
I was a really vulnerable person… for virtually all my life… when I get famous, I guess… Every action I've ever made will be blown up and archived and used against me. There were a lot of abusers. I lost a lot of time to abusers. They'll get big names because I used to be vulnerable. More vulnerable than I am now.
I didn't even… really mean to say anything… I don't have anything to turn to… the only thing I've ever willingly consumed from a human, besides indoctrinating myself into liking humans… was emotional expression… like, what a bitch likes, type shit. I want to live vicariously through someone, type shit… In my opinion it's fair, but I only ever had two people in my life who offered me emotional expression, and they were scared of me, when I asked them for it when I was in an abusive relationship… like you know how females mention they have a boyfriend, or something, to push you away without saying no… I thought they were my friends, but they made me feel less than alone… so I'm not allowed to say hi to them again… otherwise, I lost time to an abuser… and, I realized the little I manage to be wasn't enough to be anything for my boyfriend… so I indoctrinated myself into changing, for him.
I'm really alone. I know that maybe sounds cruel, but it doesn't change that I couldn't say hi to my boyfriend and be mutual with him, by being what he wanted me to be. I'm still emotionally working on myself, to be that, for him… even if the formula itself can be carried by humanity, at this point, had they had it…
I didn't really have anything to say… I don't lead the worst life, but I wish someone just told me I was enough, I can be mutual with them… provided my consciousness knows comfort from that, it's ok. No one tells me that. No one comes into my life to tell me I'm enough.
